Jimbo: I'm Jimbo Kerny and this is here is Ned. Say hi Ned.
Ned: Nnnhi Ned.
Jimbo laughs
Jimbo: Now isn't that great? We have a terrific show for you today. We're gonna kill some elk and we're gonna kill mountain goats. Now the new law passed by Colorado legislature which Ned and I call pussy law #4 states that we can no longer kill animals in defense. In otherwords our old line of "It's coming right for us"
Ned: It's coming right for us.
Screen says in white letters "Pussy Law #4: No animal shall be harmed, even in self defense, unlesss specific license and season is in order. Self defense can only be justified by extreme, provable peril and or documented visible bodily harm."
Jimbo: No longer works. So now we only kill animals to quote "Thin out their numbers". If we don't hunt, these animals will grow to big in their number and they won't have enough food. So you see, we have to kill animals, or else they'll die.
Jimbo: Ah, so roll the tape.
A clip of Ned and Jimbo outside is shown
Jimbo: Here we are up at Shafer's crossing looking for some animals. Lookee Ned there's some deers. Quick Ned, thin out their numbers!
Ned: Thin out their numbers.
Ned fires a huge flame turning all the deer into skeletons.
Jimbo: Good work Ned, now they won't starve.
Clip ends
Jimbo: That sure was a great hunting trip, we saved those deer from extiction.
Ned: Mmmwere environmentalists.
Jimbo: Coming up next, we're gonna drop some nepalm on an unsuspecting family of bevers. And also try the numbers of some endangered species.
[Mr. Garrison's Classroom]
Mr.Garrison writes "Vietnam" on the board
Cartman: Mr.Garrison? What's Vietnam?
Mr.Garrison: What's Vietnam. A question a child might ask, but not a childish question.
He starts laughing
Mr.Garrison: Children for the next few days we'll be learning all about Vietnam. Chances are that somebody in your own lives was affected by this incredible war.
Mr.Hat: That's right Mr.Garrison, the Vietnam war was sticky and icky.
Kyle: Mr.Garrison? Were you in Vietnam?
Mr.Garrison starts seeing real Vietnam soldier being dragged by other ones. There's a shot of the helecopters. Jimbo is heard.
Jimbo: [In Mr.Garrison's memory]Come on Ned, let's go. Jump into the chopper.
Someone says "Who's next to take a shower." and other people are heard saying "Me, I am." Some man with a pipe says "Where could I hide this big pipe?"
Mr.Garrison's memory fades.
Mr.Garrison: No I wasn't in Vietnam. But sometimes I like to pretend I was. Anyway children, I gonna assign you all a paper.
Class: AWWW!!
Cartman: Son of a bitch.
Mr.Garrison: I you all to find somebody in your own life who was in Vietnam, and interview them about it.
Clyde: What if we don't know anybody who was in Vietnam.
Mr.Garrison: Then you get an F, fail the 3rd grade and have to get a job cleaning septic tanks to support your drug habit.
Clyde: Oh.
Stan: Dude, my uncle Jimbo was in Vietnam.
Kyle: Hey yeah, he and Ned did that stupid TV show.
[Huntin' & Killin']
A shot of the TV that says "Jimbo's Mysteries of the Unexplained"
Jimbo: [From TV]And now time for Jimbo's Mysteries of the Unexplained.
Jimbo: One of our loyal viewers from South Park, sent us some 8 millimeter film of what he claims to be the Mexican Staring frog of Southern SriLanka. Now as you all know the Mexican Staring frog of Southern SriLanka can supposedly kill you with one hoard daze.
A frog is seen in the monitor with a censor bar over its eyes.
Jimbo: If the person even so much as looks into the frog's eyes, they can be paralyzed or even die. And this film proves that that frog may very well exist. Now watch carefully, you're gonna see the Mexican Staring Frog.
A clip is played
A green smear can be seen very momentarily.
Jimbo: There! There, did you see it? Roll that back again. Now freeze it.
The clip is rolled back, and it pauses to reveal a green blur.
Jimbo: Well I'd like to know what all you skeptiks out there say now. What do you think Ned?
Ned: MmI'm scared.
Jimbo: Well be sure to join us next time, until then[starts singing] we're so glad you spend your time with us, while we slaughtered our way through nature's guts. Come again and stay a while, we'll kill a lotmore living things and make them bleed.
Ned: MMgood night.
Director: And we're cut. Great show guys.
The kids approach
Jimbo: Oh look who's here, my little nephew Stanley. So you interested in your uncle Jimbo's big TV show, huh?
Stan: No we have to do a stupid report on Vietnam. You and Ned are the only guys we know who were there.
Jimbo: Oh yeah we sure were.
Cartman: Was it fun?
Kyle: Cartman! What kind of stupid ass question is that. Of course it was fun!
Jimbo: Well sure Vietnam was fun, but not like going to the circus fun, or fly fishin' in Montana fun. No, Vietnam was more like shoving shards of broken glass up your ass, and then sittin' in a tub with tobasco sauce fun.
Stan: Whoa!
Jimbo: Yeppers, that's where me and Ned met.
[Vietnam]
People are having fun on a log ride, and a carousel.
Jimbo: I remember I just gotten off the Ferris Wheel. [In memory]Oh boy what a gorgious day.
A bird flies up and sits on Jimbo's shoulder and starts whistling.
Jimbo whistles back to it.
General: Kurns get over here! The new privates are here. I'm assigning one of them to you as a tranee. Ned Gurblansky.
Ned comes up looking all young and is able to talk normally
Ned: Ned Gurblansky reporting sir.
General: Thanks Ned. Now the bad guys have been spotted about 10 clicks North of here.
He points to a location on a map
General: I know that you and Kurns are best suited to take em out. Are you up for it?
Jimbo and Ned: Sir yes sir!
Shot of a real chopper.
Jimbo: Standing without on, just me and Ned to win the war for America. [On the chopper] Pass me some cocoa will you Ned?
Ned: Certainly, and would you like another muffin as well?
Jimbo: Why the hell not? We're at war.
Ned starts smoking
Jimbo: Hey you know those things are bad for your throat.
Ned: Naw, that's all lies. I'll be fine. Charlies at 2 o'clock!
Jimbo: I see em! Drop the bomb!
Ned: The bomb's not releasing!
Jimbo: Oh no!
Ned: It won't budge.
Jimbo: We only have one option!
Ned: What are you doing man?
Jimbo: We'll have to take em out Ned, at all costs. Die you red comi bastards!
He steers the plane and crashes it into the ground. Then he and Ned jump out and start shooting the Vietnamese.
Ned gets a grenade, but it accidentally explodes while he's still holding it, which blows half his arm off.
Jimbo continues shooting
Jimbo: AHHHHH! Oh no! Out of ammo!
He takes out a sword, and out of nowhere comes out a white galloping steed. Jimbo gets on it and starts riding around chopping Vietcong heads off.
Ned meanwhile is kicking ass with karate.
A shot of the whole Veitcong army dead.
Jimbo: We did it Ned! We killed the entire Vietcong army!
Ned: Whoopie.
Jimbo: Let's get back to base camp. We can ride the log ride before it closes.
Ned hops onto the horse and both of them ride away.
[Memory ends]
[Huntin' & Killin' Set]
Jimbo: [To Stan]And that's the way it happened boys.
Stan: Wow!
Cartman: Whoa Vietnam was sweet.
Producer: Great news guys. Your TV show ratings have doubled!
Jimbo: Wow!
Producer: They've gone from 6 people, to 12!
Jimbo: Holy smokes! We could get an emmy!
[Jesus and Pals]
Jesus is having his hair brushed by a woman
Producer: You've got to do it J, your ratings are being killed by the Jimbo and Ned hunting show.
Jesus: But I don't really care about that.
Producer: Well you better care Mr.Smartypants. No ratings means no show. If you want to keep reaching out to people, you have to keep up with the times.
Jesus: Oh alright.
Director: [Wearing a "Titanic" hat]Alright we're 10 seconds to air guys.
Producer: Remember, big, big , big!
Director: And 5, 4, 3...
Announcer: It's your hour of power, on midday mountain cable access.
Lights are shining all over Jesus, and crowd is cheering.
Announcer: Put your hands together and welcome the only man in town who always has a full in stock wine cellar, JeeeeeeeeesusChrist!
Jesus: Uh...hi.
Producer in the background waves her hands up.
Jesus: Ah, ye, yeah. Ok. Beggining today we're taking the show in a new direction.
A man is seen holding up cue cards in background
Jesus: We've got some interesting people coming on the show this week for you, our viewers. Today's guest is TV's Gilligan, Mr.Bob Denver!
Announcer: Here is Bob Denver!
Bob comes up and sits in the chair next to Jesus
Jesus: Hi Bob Denver.
Bob: Hi Jesus great to be here.
[Silence]
Bob makes a weird smile
Jesus: So Bob, so you just get in town?
Bob: Yep, just got in.
[Silence]
Jesus: So..um...so what have you been up to?
Bob: N..nothing. Nothing really at all.
[Silence]
Producer gives the band called the Disciples a signal and they starts singing and playing music
Disciples: [Singing] Nothing from nothing means nothing. You gotta have something...
Jesus: [To himself] Oh boy.
[Mr. Garrison's Classroom]
Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman are presenting their Veitnam war paper.
Stan: And after killing the entire Vietcong army, they returned to base camp. Once there they rode the Devil's Drop Rollercoaster, and ate cotton candy. And ultimately, Ned got the purple heart for his courageous defense of the log ride. So was the horror of Veitnam. The end.
Kenny, Kyle, Cartman: The end.
Kyle: Are there any questions?
Mr.Garrison raises his hand.
Kyle: Yes Mr.Garrison?
Mr.Garrison: Yes, uh where the fuck did you hear this ridiculous load of bullshit?
Stan: From Veitnam veteran.
Mr.Garrison: Well boys, it's obvious to me that you didn't do your work and that you stayed up all night making up some ridiculous lie.
Stan: No, no we didn't!
Mr.Garrison: You all receive an F...minus!
Kyle: F minus? Can he do that?
Stan: But, but we're not making it up! It....
Mr.Garrison: Stanley the Vietnam war was war. There weren't galloping steeds or singing birds or logrides.
Kyle: How do you know? You weren't even there!
Mr.Garrison: Well that's it! All of you have detention for the rest of the week!
Kids groan
[Cut to Commercial]
[Detention Hall]
Mr.Mackey: Welcome to detention, mmkay. Mr.Garrison told me about your little joke. So it's important for you all to know why you're in detention for you to obtain the full benfits from it.
Cartman: I know it.
Stan: Know what dude?
Kenny: Mmmmfmmfmmf
Mr.Mackey: [Continues] You're here because you were inferior mmkay. You're here because you're akward, mmkay.
Cartman: Well thanks a lot for having such a cool uncle that got us all detention for a week.
Kyle: Yeah dude, your uncle Jimbo sucks ass!
Mr.Mackey: SHHH! Mmkay.
Stan: Why would he just invent a story instead of telling us the truth?
Cartman: Well let's see maybe because he's an old drunk hillbilly dick!
Mr.Mackey: Shh! Mmkay?
Kyle: We've gotta get him back dude!
Cartman: Totally!
Stan: How?
Kyle: Well he screwed us by making something up, I say we do the same thing!
Stan: Who...what do you mean?
Kyle: Did you guys ever see that one Brady Bunch where the guys....
He starts whispering to the others
Cartman: Oh, yeah sweet.
Kyle continues whispering
Cartman: Oh yeah sweet!
Kyle keeps whispering some more
Cartman: Ssweett!!
Kyle finishes whispering
Cartman: Yyes!
[Huntin' & Killin']
Announcer: And now back to huntin' and killing with South Park's favorite hunters, Jimbo and Ned!
Jimbo: Welcome hunters. Boy have we got a show for you today. We've just received a tape from another viewer who filmed the Mexican Staring frog of Southern SriLanka right here in South Park.
Ned: Ahh!
Jimbo: Yes now we're about to roll the film but remember, if you look the Mexican Staring Frog in the eyes, you can go catatonick. We don't know if this applies to pictures of the frog or not, but who wants to take chances? So when we roll this film, be sure to look away. Ok roll the film Tom.
Tom rolls film and looks away, Jimbo and Ned look away as well.
The film is of a frog sitting on a doorstep of a house
Film is over and the screen says "fin"
Jimbo: Is it over? Ok, it's over. Well there you have it. Undeniable proof that the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern SriLanka exists. And you saw it here on the Jimbo and Ned show.
[Cartman's House]
The kids are sitting on a couch watching Jimbo's show
Kyle: Dude I can't believe they fell for it.
Stan: Yeah what a couple of dumbasses!
Kenny: Yeah, they're a couple of bitch ass motherfuckers!
Kids laugh
Stan: Yeah.
Kyle: Come one we gotta go make another one!
Cartman: Lying kicks ass!
[Jesus and Pals]
Producer: Jesus!
Jesus: Yeah?
Producer: We're in trouble. The Jimbo and Ned show, they got some ridiculous staring frog story, and jumped another 2 points in the ratings.
Jesus: Uh-oh. So what are we supposed to do?
Producer: I don't know. We'll have to continue with the changes we've made and then...go even further.
Director's voice is heard
Director: And we're back in 5, 4, 3
Producer: Remember, big big big!
Jesus and pals starts out with an Oprah type beginning with him holding a jacket, sitting with a monkey, etc.
Jesus is standing with a mic in the audience.
Jesus: If you're just joining us, we've been listening to Michelle's incredible story of survival. Go on Michelle.
Michelle is sitting with her husband and she's crying. Her husband's all gaunt with some bandages on his head.
Michelle: Well as I was sayin', I tried and tried but my overturned car just wouldn't budge. My husband was trapped for 12 hours.
Jesus: And yet somehow he managed to survive.
Michelle: That's right. He's a very brave man and I love him very much.
Husband: [All crappy lookin'] I love you too.
Jesus: Well, let's see if the audience has any questions.
Fat lady raises her hand
Jesus: Yes, you over there.
Fat Lady: I think she needs to kick him to the curb baby.
Audiece claps and cheers
Jesus: Kick who to the curb?
Fat Lady: Her no good husband. She's gotta loose that zero and get herself a hero.
Michelle and husband look shocked
Audience claps
Jesus: But...
Another woman starts speaking into the mic
Woman: He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He's gotta dump that trash girlfriend. It's all about respect, you gotta have respect for yourself.
Michelle and husband look more shocked
Audience claps
Jesus: I think we've somewhat missed the point here. Let's go to somebody else. Yes your comments.
Some black guy with a fro raises his hand
Black Man: Montel, I think we're forgetting something very important in all of this. Ok, sure he touched some children. But the man is a great singer, and has entertained us for so many years.
Jesus: What, what are you talking about?
Black Man: Michael Jackson. All this bad mouthing, putting the man down, maybe he did touch some children now and then. But come on it's Michael Jackson! Michael Jackson!!
Audience claps and cheers
Jesus: Uh, we'll be back right after these messages.
[Outside South Park]
Stan: Ready you guys?
Others: Ready!
Stan: Ok, action.
Cartman hides behind a rock, with a rod and a string with a plastic frog attached to it. He starts making all these noises
Cartman: I am the deadly Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka. I am very scary, and dangerous.
Stan: Cut! Cartman!
Cartman: What?
Stan: It's supposed to be a frog!
Cartman: I know that.
Stan: Since when do frogs talk Cartman?
Cartman: It's a Sri Lanka frog!
Kyle: Durr Cartman!
Cartman: Durr yourself hippie!
Kyle's holding a camera
Kyle: Just do it again Cartman and don't make it talk!
Stan: Ok here we go. Ready?
Kyle: Are you ready Cartman?
Cartman: I'm ready Steven Spielberg!
Stan: Action.
Cartman hides behind the rock and starts shaking the plastic frog, and continues to make noises
Cartman: Wehehe, screw you guys.
[South Park street]
Cartman is dressed up like an old lady
Cartman: But why do I have to dress up like an old lady?
Kyle: Cause old ladies are fat and you are too.
Cartman: Eee, god damn it!
Stan: Come on Cartman. The way we're shooting this, nobody will even know it's you.
Cartman: They better not.
Stan: When I yell action, you start to walk this way. And Kenny's gonna pull the plastic frog in front of you and you have to be scared.
Cartman: Scared? Of a plastic frog?
Stan: It's acting Cartman. You have to pretend you're really scared then the Mexican Staring Frog will look you in the eyes then you fall down like you're dead ok, ready?
Cartman: This is stupid.
Stan: Good and action!
Kenny starts moving towards Cartman with the plastic frog
Cartman: Eeeee!
He falls on the ground
[Huntin' & Killin']
Jimbo: Well it appears as thought a lot of you skeptics thought that the film we showed of the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka was a fake. They say it didn't harm anybody. Well it just so happens that we just received another film from another anonymous viewer. Roll it.
Film shows the frog on the pole that Cartman was shaking, then it shows Cartman sqeeling 'eeee!' and then Kenny shows a full moon.
Jimbo: There you go. Proof that not only is this frog real, but it is doing harm to the people of South Park as we speak.
Ned: Mmdamn that frog.
Jimbo: Well that does it. All this week Ned and I will be risking lives from him as we go on location to hunt the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka. Join us won't ya.
[Jesus and Pals]
Producer was watching Jimbo and Ned's show
Producer: Oh no no no, this is the biggest publicity stunt I've ever seen. Damn those hunters are clever.
Jesus: Uh, clever?
Producer: It's genious, it really is. Hell I want to watch them hunt the Mexican Staring Frog. Unless.
Jesus: Unless what?
Producer: Unless we can prove to the world that the whole things is a sham. If we prove that the Mexican Staring Frog from Southern Sri Lanka is just something made up by Jimbo and Ned we can have them taken off the air perhaps even killed!
Jesus: Look, why don't we just stick to our own show. People will watch again.
Producer: Oh J, you are so omnipotent and yet so naive. We'll launch a full investigation and then in the meantime we can cash in on the video tapes.
Jesus: What video tapes?
Video Tape Commercial Starts
Jesus: Yay my children, I am the way and the light.
Announcer: You've seen Jesus and pals, now you've got to get the video. Jesus and pals too hot for TV.
Shot of a man spraying some whip scream on a woman's bare chest.
Announcer: Things get a little out of control.
Shot of a man ready to curse with a black "censored" bar over his mouth
Announcer: You won't believe your eyes!
Shot of Jesus sitting between 2 KKK members
Announcer: Order now, only $19.95!
Screen comes up that has "Jesus is lord" blinking, and it says "Order now only $19.95, 100S Ave De Los Mexicanos, Southpark, CO 34783, Sorry no CODS"
Announcer: Remember this is stuff you can't see on TV
Shot of 2 women in bikinis take off their tops, and on their chest it's bloked out with a black censor bar that says "Too hot!"
[Cut to Commercial]
[In truck]
Camera Man: Yeah it was left on our answering machine. All they said was that they saw the Mexican Staring Frog just South of Stark's Pond this morning.
Jimbo: Hey Ned, remember that time we got that anonymous tip back in Nam?
Camera Man: You were in Nam? Where were you statione?
Ned: MMDenang.
Camera Man: With the log ride?
Jimbo: Yep.
Camera Man: Man I was it Tet. We had a bad ass rollercoaster, but all we ever wanted was a log ride. We waited and we waited, but they never built us one. I think Danforth wanted the log ride more than anybody, but he, he had to settle with that lame dinosaur water adventure ride.
Jimbo: That war was hell on everybody.
Camera Man starts crying
Producer: Ok, ok, ok bye. Great news everybody, this week's ratings are through the roof! We're up to 20 people!
Jimbo: Wow! Do we get more money?
Producer: No, but I do. We're now the highest rated show on mountain cable access. God bless the Mexican Staring Frog.
[South Park Woods]
The kids put the plastic frog on a rock
Kyle: Dude they're gonna look so stupid.
Cartman: Heh, totally.
Stan: They diserve for lying to us, dude.
Cartman: Revenge is so very very sweet.
Stan: They're here, hurry and hide.
Kids all jump into a bush near by
Jimbo's truck arrives
Jimbo: Let's hunt.
Producer: We'll start with a 2-shot of you and Ned getting your equipment together and..
Ned: Jimbo look!
Jimbo sees plastic frog
Jimbo: Hit the deck!
Everyone hides behind a hill
Producer: What is it?
Jimbo: It's him. The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka. He's right over there on that rock.
Producer: He is?
Jimbo: Dumbass! You've gotta keep your eyes away from him! Stay down. Ned you take flight position, I'll try and keep it turned away from you.
Ned: RRroger that.
Jimbo is being filmed on camera. The plastic frog is seen in the background
Jimbo: Hello fellow hunters, have we got a show for you today. The Mexican Staring Frog is sunning itself on a rock directly behind us. We've gotta take the frog by surprise. I'm gonna create a diversion using this incendiary device.
He takes out a grenade
Ned is seen sneaking behind trees
Jimbo: While Ned will ambush him from the rear.
He throws the bomb at the frog
Jimbo: Now Ned, he's not looking! Quick Ned, hit him with the shot gun! Now Ned! Ned? Ned?
Jimbo finds Ned turned into a vegetable with his hair all sticking out
Jimbo: Oh no. Come on Ned buddy, snap out of it!
Ned's gun falls out of his hands
Jimbo: Come back to me buddy.
Producer: [To camera man] You getting all this?
Camera Man nods
Jimbo: Hold on to your butts.
He shoots at the frog
Jimbo: Take that you demon frog! Ned, Ned, can you hear me? Quick, somebody call and ambulance, this man is catatonick!
Producer: Get the flight for life helicopter.
Kids peep out from the bush
Stan: Holy crap dude.
[Hell's Pass Hospital]
Ned is lying like a vegetable on the bed
Jimbo's reading a book
Jimbo: My pony boar was beat up pretty bad. He kept saying "Stay Gold." Aww Ned, if you can hear me, you gotta snap out of it. Cause if you don't I'll never forgive myself.
Kids come into the hospital
Jimbo: Oh Stanley he's gone! My only friend in the world is gone!
Stan: Dude, he's ok. That frog wasn't even real.
Kyle: Look.
He takes out the frog
Jimbo: Ahh! What the hell are you doing! I almost looked right at it!
Stan: Dude, it's just a plastic frog, it's not real, check it out.
He gives Jimbo the frog
Jimbo: What?
Stan: We shot all those videos and sent them in.
Kyle: Yeah, we made the whole thing up. It was all just a really, really, funny joke!
Jimbo: You sent in those videos?!?!?
Producer: Oh this is not good.
Jimbo: My best friend is a vegetable, and I'm gonna be the laughing stock of South Park!
Kyle: Oh come on, Ned's faking it! That frog was just a piece of plastic.
Stan: Yeah, come on Ned, quit faking.
Ned looks as still as ever
Jimbo: You boys don't understand. Ned was so freaked out by the idea of the Mexican Staring frog that he must've set himself into a deep coma.
Shot of Jesuse's producer listening outside with headphones and an antenna
Jesus's Producer: It's a psychosomatic response!
She comes into Ned's room
Jesus' Producer: I couldn't help over hearing your conversation just now.
Kyle: Who are you?
Jesus' Producer: I produce a little TV show called Jesus and Pals, you might've heard of it. Your story's amazing. Full of jealoucy, deplicity, backstabbing and bitterness.
Jimbo: Ahhhh....thanks?
Jesus' Producer: How would you like to share your remarkable story with us on tomorrow's show?
[Jesus and Pals]
Screen says "Tots in Trouble". Kids and Jimbo and Ned are all sitting in chairs
Jesus: We're back with Jimbo and his nephew Stan. These kids can't stop lying can they?
Jimbo: That's right Jesus, no respect for their elders. As some of you may know I host a local show on hunting.
One person in the audience claps
Jimbo: Thanks. We've been hunting the Mexican staring frog for a week, based on some video footage we received from a viewer. Well, it turns out that these kids faked the footage.
Jesus: Is that true Stan?
Stan: It was just a joke. We didn't think it would hurt anybody.
Producer gives Jesus a signal to cut
Jesus: Uh, we'll find out more about this debauchery when we return.
Director: And we're out.
Producer comes up to Jimbo, Ned, and the kids.
Producer: You're corpses up here. We need a lot more action from everybody.
Jimbo: Like what?
Producer: Like go ahead and tell how your nephew Stan takes drugs and worships Satan.
Jimbo: Satan got it.
Stan: Whoa! I don't take drugs and worship Satan! That's lying!
Jimbo: Give your attention on medicine you little fibber!
Producer: You kids, I didn't bring you on this show to be boring! Somebody get pissed off and throw a chair and Ned here!
Cartman: Dibs!
Producer: Remember, you all start a fight after the chair is thrown, that's your cue.
Jimbo: Right.
The show is back from the break
Jesus: Welcome back to Jesus and Pals. Jimbo why do you think little Stanley lies?
Jimbo: I'll tell you why. Because he's on drugs, and he worships the devil!
Audience gasps
Stan looks shocked
Audience: Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!
Jesus: Wow, now Stanley, it sounds like your uncle's really worried about you.
Stan: Well I only did it because...he molested me!
Audience boos and gasps
Jimbo: Why you little piece of crap.
Stan: You big piece of crap!
Cartman: That's it, now I'm all pissed off!
He takes his chair and throws it at Ned.
Cartman: Take that hippie!
Jimbo: Hey!
Audience: Jesus, Jesus.
Jimbo throws a chair and hits a woman in the audience.
Jesus: Uh, ok ok, that's enough.
Woman jumps on Jimbo and punches him in the face.
Woman: Take that you asshole! What the fuck was that?
Jesus: Uh, let's watch the language people.
Jimbo: Get outta here you bitch!
Cartman: Ay get off of him you fucking nutsack!
Cartman jumps on the woman and starts beating her up too
Audience: Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.
Audience disperses and starts fighting. Everyone's beating each other up
Jesus: Let's all make our way back to our seats.
Two guys keep pulling Kenny
Kenny: No no no no no no no no!!!!
They pull him apart in half, killing him
Everyone stops what they're doing
Stan: Gasp! Oh my god they killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
People continue fighting. Cartman is seen flying around in the background. A man walks by with a chainsaw
Audience: Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!!
Jesus: Let's all just make our way back to our seats.
People continue to kick each other's asses
Jesus: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
Everyone freezes
Jesus: Jesus! What is wrong with you people?? Look around you Stanley. Look at all the pain and suffering your lie has caused.
Stan: Well we only did it cause Jimbo lied to us first. We had this report on the Vietnam War for school, and we interviewed Jimbo about it and he made up all this stuff about Vietnam and he got us in trouble.
Jimbo: Hey now, everything I told you boys about the war, actually happened.
Stan: Mr.Garrison said that there was no way that you could've defeated the entire Vietcong army by yourself.
Jesus: The entire Vietcong army??
Jimbo: I ah, well ok, I migth've embelished the truth a little but that's different.
Jesus: Is it?
Jimbo: Well sure I mean, well no I guess not.
Jesus: And as for you Stan, I think you need to kick your drug habit...
Stan: Wait a second. I don't take drugs, that was a lie.
Jesus: Wait, Jimbo made that up?
Stan: No. Your producer did! She made Jimbo tell everybody that I did drugs.
Jesus: What?
Stan: During the break, your producer came over, and told Jimbo what to say about me. She told him to lie.
Jimbo: It's true she did. I'm such a tool.
Jesus: Oh really?
Producer hides behind a plant
Kyle: Yeah then she told us to throw a chair at Ned.
Cartman: Yeah I didn't wanna do it Jesus, they made me do that.
Man in Audience: Screw this show, I thought this was all real.
Jesus: Wait everybody come back.
People in audience start to leave out the door
Black Man: Don't feel too bad Montel. We all wanna touch children sometimes, it's only natural.
[Cut to Commercial]
[Outside the set of Jesus and Pals]
Jimbo: Alright Stan, I was just trying to tell a good story. I never meant for you boys to get in trouble.
Stan: Well we're sorry too uncle Jimbo. We're sorry for making you look stupid in front of the whole world.
Kyle: Yeah, and we're sorry for turning Ned into a vegetable.
Jimbo: Ahh he'll be fine. I'll just take him home and show him some good hard core porn, he'll snap right out of it, won't you Ned?
He hits Ned's shoulder, and Ned falls on the ground like a pole
Jesus opens the door behind them
Jesus: I want to appologize to all of you for what happened in there. In our competition for ratings we all lost sight of why we got into showbusiness in the first place.
Jimbo: Yeah, TV's and beer.
Jesus: Actually I was referring more to the persuit of truth, well anyway I can't wait to get back to my old show without all the glitz and ratings and producers.
Kyle: Wait a sec, where is your producer?
Jesus: I sent her away.
Cartman: Sent her away where?
[Hell]
Jesus's Producer: What is this? What's happening??
Satan: Welcome to my dominion!
Jesus' Producer: Noooooooooo!!!!
Saddam Hussein appears
Saddam: Ah, take a load off, put your feet up. Me and Satan were just aboot to go shopping for furniture. Come on Satan!
Satan: Ok honey.
The hold each others hands and walk away
Jesus' Producer: Noooooooooo!!!!!!
[fin]