Transcribed by Lee Estall (lee.estall@home.com)
(Open to South Park Docks. There is a big Halloween celebration going on.)
Deejay: (at a booth reading "102.1 FM Extra-easy listening. Live from the docks' Halloween Haunt") We're here live at the COZY 102.1 Halloween Haunt at the South Park Docks! Come on down! We've got a haunted house and everyone is decorating for tomorrow night! Halloween! When the band KORN, that's right, KORN is going to play live! And don't forget to wear a costume tomorrow because there's a big first prize! (Kenny, Kyle, and Stan walk up) Oh, here's some kids enjoying the Halloween Haunt now! Say, boys! What do you think of COZY FM's Halloween Haunt so far?!
Stan: This one time, like eight months ago, I saw two guys kissing in a park! And that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen until I saw the COZY FM Halloween Haunt!
Deejay: Alright! Well, enjoy the spooky docks, kids!
(The kids walk along the docks and Cartman joins them)
Cartman: Hey, y'guys! You know what time of year it is?!
Kyle: Of course, dumb ass! It's Halloween!
Cartman: That's right! And that means only two more months til Christmas! (Sings) You better watch out! You better not cry!
Stan: Christmas!?
Cartman: (Sings) Christmas time means presents for me! (in the tune of "Santa Claus is Comming to Town)
(Cut to Spooky Laboratory. Jimbo and Ned are line as are many others.)
Jimbo: Aw, nuts! C'mon, Ned! This ain't a whore house! It's a Hor-Ror house!
Everyone: Awww! (all leave including Jimbo and ned. Four kids enter.)
Cartman: Hey! Spooky Laboratory, y'guys!
Kyle: Those things are stupid, Cartman! They just stick your hand in cold spaghetti and tell you it's intestines and stuff!
Cartman: Well, I'm going to Spooky Laboratory! (Sings) Jingle bells! Jingle bells! (Enters the Spooky Laboratory)
(Cut to Inside Spooky Laboratory. Cartman is greeted by Dr. Spukalot.)
Dr. Spukalot: Welcome to the Spooky Laboratory! (blindfold's Cartman) I'm your guide, Dr. Spukalot! Allow me to show you around the lab!
Cartman: Cool!
Dr. Spukalot: Here, I have a bowl of human eyeballs! (makes Cartman feel inside a bowl of eggs)
Cartman: Eeeeww! He heeew!
Dr. Spukalot: And here, you can feel the brains! (makes Cartman feel inside a bowl of green jello)
Cartman: Oh, ho! Gross!
Dr. Spukalot: And here, you can feel the warm innards of the body! (makes Cartman put his hand inside an actual donkey's ass! Little does Cartman know this 'cause he's blindfolded)
Cartman: Eeeew! It feels like cold spaghetti! (To other kids who are not present) Y'guys, it feels like cold spaghetti!
(Cut to Docks. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are walking)
Kenny: {I was wondering! What's the first prize for the costume contest?!}
Kyle: Give it up, Kenny! You're not gonna win the costume contest! Your costumes always suck!
(Three Bullies sneak up on the three kids)
Bully #1: BOO!
Stan, Kyle, and Kenny: Aaaaaaah! (they run in circles)
Bully #1: Ha ha ha ha ha! We scared you chickens!
Stan: We weren't scared!
Bully #1: Oh, no?! Well, you should be! The pirate ghosts are gonna come gitcha!
Kyle: The what?!
Bully #1: Didn't ya know?! There's an old legend in South Park that says these docks are haunted by pirate ghosts!
Kyle: N'uh, uh!
Bully #1: Y'uh, huh! They roam these docks with their swords and hook hands looking for victims to cut up!
Kenny: (Bundles up) {Aah!}
Stan: That's just an old legend!
Bully #2: (Holds up a king-sized wooden ghost pirate puppet from behind a crate) Raar!
Stan, Kyle, and Kenny: Aaaaaaah! (they run in circles)
Bully #1: Ha ha ha ha ha! Gotcha again! Ha ha ha ha! Just wait til tomorrow! We're gonna scare you kids to death! Ha ha ha ha! (Bullies leave)
(Cartman enters)
Cartman: Y'guys! My hand totally smells like spaghetti now! Smell it!
Stan: I'm sick of those fifth graders scaring us all the time! We should come up with a way to scare them!
Kyle: Yeah! Let's see how they like it!
(Cut to COZY FM booth. Father Maxi, the priest, is the Deejay's guest)
Deejay: Joining me now is Father Maxi from the South Park Church! Father, what do you think about all the preparations here at the docks?!
Father Maxi: Halloween is an abomination of God! A celebration of the ocult!
Deejay: Yeah! And, how about KORN playing the big concert tomorrow! Pretty exciting, huh?!
Father Maxi: KORN is a devil worshipping group that plays violent music! If we allow that demon band to play on this most unholy of holidays, we may encure the full wrath of evil!
Deejay: Alright! We'll see you tomorrow for Halloween! In the mean time, here's a COZY hit by Barry Manilow!
(Cut to docks. Where the four kids are.)
Stan: C'mon, you guys! Think! How can we scare the fifth graders?! It has to be something really scary!
Cartman: We could get a big, scary, plastic spider and dangle it in front of them on a string! S'spooky spider! That's pretty scary!
Kyle: That's not scary, fatass!
Stan: Well, c'mon! We can think of something better than stupid pirate ghosts! (The four kids leave as some REAL Pirate Ghosts appear from behind a nearby building)
Pirate Ghosts: Arrrg!
(Cut to KORN's van. KORN are driving toward the South Park Docks for their concert. KORN members are Jonathan, Munky, David, Fieldy, and Head. Scooby Doo music in the background. Jonathan's driving.)
Jonathan: Are you sure we're going the right way?!
David: I don't know! This map doesn't make any sense!
Head: That's because you've got it upside-down, chowder head! (laugh track)
David: (Turns map over) Oops!
Fieldy: When're we going to get to the gig?! I'm starving!
Jonathan: Don't think about it! We'll just keep playing our game! Ready?! I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter "T"!
Munky: I know! A "Tree"!
Jonathan: You got it! I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter "R"!
David: The "Road"?!
Jonathan: That's it! (KORN enters South Park Docks. The Pirate Ghosts appear.)
Pirate Ghosts: Arrrg!
Jonathan: Okay, here's one! I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter "P"!
Head: The letter "P"?!
Fieldy: What the heck starts with the letter "P"?!
Jonathan: P'"Pirate Ghosts"!!!
(KORN sees them on the road ahead of their van.)
KORN: Aaaaaaaaaah!
(The van steers right off the road and down a cliff.)
KORN: Waaa! Waaa!
(The van crashes to the ground upside-down and looses a back wheel.)
(Cut to Cartman's House. Cartman is holding a catalogue.)
Cartman: Mom! You go the new Duffy's Catalogue! I-I'm gonna circle everything I want for Christmas, okay! Mom! Okay?! (hears nothing) Okay! (Opens the Catalogue) Let's see! I wan't this, and this, and... (turns the page) Let's see! Comes with soldier...(mumbles as the door bell rings) Comes with two ...(mumbles as the party at the door enters) Let's see!
Mrs. Cartman: (Enters) Eric! Your little friends are here!
Cartman: Mom! Mom! You wanna see what I want for Christmas!?
Mrs. Cartman: Eric! It's only Halloween!
Cartman: That's only seventy-two shopping days left for you!
(Stan, Kyle, and Kenny enter)
Stan: C'mon, fatass! We have to go!
Cartman: Hey! Don't call me fat!
Mrs. Cartman: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Cartman: Mom! Don't laugh!
Mrs. Cartman: I'm sorry, hon!
Cartman: I can't go with y'guys right now!
Stan: Yes you can, Porky!
Mrs. Cartman: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Cartman: Mom, seriously!
Mrs. Cartman: Oh, that's not funny, boys! Eric isn't fat! He's big boned!
Kyle: He must have a huge bone in his ass then!
Mrs. Cartman: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Cartman: GODDAMMIT MOM!
(Cut to outside Cartman's House)
Cartman: God, I hate you guys!
Stan: Okay! So we've figured out how to scare the fifth graders!
Cartman: How!?
Stan: What's the scariest thing we could get?!
Cartman: Spooky spider?!
Stan: No! A dead body!
Kyle: Yeah, fatass! A dead body!
Cartman: You mean we make something that looks like a dead body!
Stan: We could never make one that looks real enought! To be really scary, it would have to be real!
Kyle: Yeah, fatass! It has to be real to be scary!
Cartman: So where the hell are we gonna get a dead body?!
Stan: We're gonna dig up Kyle's dead Grandma!
Kyle: Yeah, fatass! We're gonna dig up...Dig up Kyle's dead Grandma!?
Stan: Dude, she's perfect! She only died like three months ago! Right?!
Kyle: Are you insane?!
Cartman: I think that's a sweet idea!
Kenny: {Yeah!}
Kyle: Dude! We're not digging up my Grandma! I'll get in trouble!
Stan: All we have to do is sneak in the graveyard, dig her up, scare the fifth graders, then put her back before anyone notices she's gone!
Kyle: No! Let's dig up somebody else!
Stan: Relax, dude! What's the big deal?! Think about it! Your Grandma knew that she could help you, even in death! She would want to!
Cartman: This is gonna be fun!
(Cut to Graveyard. The four kids sneak through with Kyle holding a flashlight.)
Cartman: (Sings) Just hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring ting tingling too! Outside, its lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you! And you! And you!
Stan: Cartman, will you stop singing Christmas carols?! We have to be quiet, or else we're gonna get busted!
(They find the Grave of "Cleo Broflovski 1928-1999")
Kyle: This must be it! Cleo Broflovski! That's my Grandma!
Stan: Well, let's dig her up!
Kyle: Wait! I don't know if this is cool!
Stan: Of course, it's cool! She's gonna be all rotted and scary!
Kyle: I don't think my mom would want me doing this!
Cartman: (immitating Kyle) Oh! I don't wanna dig up my dead Grandma 'cause I'm such a goodie two-shoes! (Kyle hits him with a shovel) Ow!
Stan: You guys! Be quiet! Now, do you wanna get back at the fifth graders or not?!
Kyle: I don't really care, dude!
Stan: YES YOU DO! NOW DIG!
(They start digging.)
Cartman: (Sings) Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling yoo hoo!
(A shot of the moon.)
Coyote: Aroooooooooo!
(Cut back to Cleo's grave. The coffin has been dug up. They are trying to pry it open.)
Stan: Okay! It's almost open! Ready?! One, two, three! (The coffin is open. They look inside.) Whoa, dude!
Kyle: Oh, my God!
(A shot of the body)
Kyle: Hi, Grandma!
Cartman: (doing Cleo's voice) Hi, Kyle!
Kyle: Aaaah!
Cartman: (doing Cleo's voice) Have you been a good boy, Kyle?! Have you been making Grandma proud?!
Kyle: Dammit, Cartman! That's not funny!
Stan: Ha, ha! Yes it is!
Cartman: Ha, ha! I'm sweet!
Kyle: Alright! Alright! Let's just get this over with so that we can put her back!
Stan: Okay! (to Kenny) Grab the sled!
(Kenny grabs the sled and the rest of the boys put Cleo's body on it.)
(Cut to South Park Docks. A brown dog is sniffing the ground and he leaves. The boys enter pulling the sled with Cleo's body still on it.)
Cartman: (Sings) Silver bells! Silver bells! It's Christmas time in the city!
Stan: Okay! Let's just hide her here and tomorrow, during the Halloween party, we'll come back in our costumes and use her to scare the fifth graders!
Kyle: How exactly are we gonna use her to scare them?!
Cartman: We could shove a stick up her ass and use her like a puppet! Rarr! Rarr! I'm Scary Grandma!
Kyle: Alright! That does it, Cartman! That's my Grandma! You show some God Damn respect!
Munky: (from the kids' right) Groan!
Stan: What was that!?
Kyle: Cartman!?
Cartman: It wasn't me!
Munky: (from the kids' right) Groan!
Stan: Dude! Not cool! This is scary!
(Munky shows himself.)
Kids: Aaaaaah!
Munky: (to the rest of KORN who show themselves) Hey! Like it's just some kids!
Jonathan: Oh, whew! I was really scared there for a second!
Stan: Hey! You're that band KORN!
Jonathan: Yeah! I'm Jonathan and this is Munky, David, Fieldy, and Head! And over there's our pal, Niblit! Hey! Where'd Niblit go?!
(Niblit enters eating a bag of chips. He looks like a giant canary with ostritch wings.)
Niblit: Mmmm! Mmmm! Niblit loves potato chips!
KORN: Niblit!
Niblit: Uh, oh!
Stan: What're you guys doing out here?!
Head: We were just driving our van when all of a sudden we were run off the road by some super spooky Pirate Ghosts.
Stan: Ah, dude! That was just the fifth graders!
Kyle: Yeah! They're trying to scare everybody 'cause they're gay wads!
Stan: Don't worry! We're about to get'em back!
Jonathan: Oh, swell! We're supposed to play here tomorrow! Do you know where the stage is?!
Stan: Yeah, dude! It's right over there!
KORN: Okay!
(KORN leave the kids and head toward the stage where Father Maxi is putting up a sign reading "Halloween is Anti-God")
Jonathan: Oh, hi! We're KORN! We're supposed to play the Halloween concert tomorrow!
Father Maxi: I know who you are and what you stand for! I think your music and Halloween is an abomination!
Jonathan: Groovy! Could you show us where to set up?!
(Cut back to the Kids and the Body)
Stan: Alright! let's just set her over here behind these boxes! (Cartman hides Cleo's body behind a pile of crates.)
Kyle: Shouldn't we hide her better than that?!
Stan: Kyle, will you stop worrying!? God! Now, we'll all meet back here tomorrow with our costumes, and then when the Halloween party gets going, we'll bust out dead Gram Gram! Let's go!
Kyle: Wait til you guys see my costume! It's gonna be sweet!
Kenny: {Yeah?! Well, my costume's gonna be way sweeter!}
Cartman: Ah, c'mon, Kenny! You never have a sweet costume! You're not gonna win the costume contest!
Kenny: {Yes I will! I've got the hottest costume ever! Yesterday, I went to the store and I picked it out and...}
(The brown dog comes back, sniffs the ground, sniffs Cleo's body, and carry's the body away!)
(Cut to Kyle's house. Two Graveyard Watchmen come to the door and ring the bell. Inside.)
Shiela: Hold on, Kids! (picks up a bowl of candy and answers the door. She sees the two Graveyard Watchmen.)
Watchman #1: Mrs. Broflovski!
Shiela: Yes!
Watchman #1: We're from Mount Peaceful Cemetary! Could we have a word with you?
Shiela: Eh, sure! Come in! (The Watchmen come in and sit on the couch. She sits down) What is it?!
Watchman #1: Miss Broflovski, somebody has defiled your mother's grave!
Shiela: Defiled?! How!?
Watchman #2: Well, I'm afraid that somebody dug her up!
Shiela: Dug her up?! Why?!
Watchman #1: Well, the most likely reason is that somebody wanted to have sex with her dead body!
Watchman #2: Yep!
Shiela: What!?
Watchman #1: Uh, uh, we don't want to upset you, but it happens! Somebody's probably making love to her corpse as we speak!
Watchman #2: Every vile position! Every disrespectful act imaginable!
Shiela: Oh, dear God!
Watchman #1: Yes, by now, he's probably even removed her eyes and made love to the empty sockets as well!
Shiela: Aaaaw!
Watchman #2: Now, we don't want to upset you, but you should know that your mother's body would be stiff and dry. So, he would have to have it soaked in warm water for several hours before making love to it.
Shiela: Aaaaw!
Watchman #1: Yes, and now for the difficult part!
Watchman #2: Brace yourself!
Watchman #1: It is highly possible that he has created new orphises in her decomposing flesh leaving her to look something like an overloved hunk of swiss cheese. She probably...
Shiela: Okay! Okay! I get the point! Just tell me what your going to do about it!
Watchman #1: Do?!
Watchman #2: Oh, we don't do anything! We're just the watchmen!
Watchman #1: Yeah, I guess maybe you might want to call the police or something!
Shiela: Aaah! (leaves)
Watchman #1: (after a pause) Now, He probably would make love to the dead body in a cool dry place so as not to allow further decomposition!
(Cut to Cartman's House. The postal truck has arived. The Postman rings the doorbell. Inside. Cartman answers.)
Postman: Package delivery for Mrs. Cartman!
Cartman: A package!? Oh, really?! Well, I think I can sign for that!
Postman: (presents a clipboard) Sign hnya and hnya and hnya! (gives the package to Cartman and leaves)
Cartman: (grabs the package and chants) I got a Christmas present! I got a Christmas present! Maybe I can see what it is! I'll just open one little corner. (does so) Let's see now! Ah, screw it! I'll re-wrap it later! (opens the package) Oh, sweet! Lifesized Blow-up Antonio Banderas Love Doll with realistic Genetilia! (Opens the box) Oh, this kicks ass! (takes out the doll) What a cool Christmas present my mom got! (Blows up the doll)
(Cut to South Park Docks.)
Deejay: (at his booth) It's Halloween Day, so come on down to the docks and bring your Costumes!
(Enter Stan in a Cowboy costume and Kyle in a Clown costume)
Stan: Where's Kenny?! He said he had the best Halloween costume ever!
(Cartman enters with the inflated Antonio Banderas doll)
Cartman: (Chants) Na na na na na na! Guess what I got! Antonio Banderas blow-up doll! Y'guys didn't get one!
Stan: Where's your costume, fatass?!
Cartman: Screw Halloween! I already got my Christmas present! In a few days, I'll wrap it back up and then when I open it on Christmas, I'll act all surprised like "Oh, Mother! Antonio Banderas life-sized blow-up doll! What a surprise!"
(Suddenly, a large robot, resembling one of the two-legged walkers from the Star Wars trilogy, enters. This robot is Kenny! This is his costume! Pretty amazing, huh!)
Stan: (greeting the robot) Hey, Kenny!
Kenny: (in his robot costume) {Hey, guys! I sure picked out a super sweet costume!}
Cartman: Heh! Nice costume, Kenny! You think you're gonna win with that?! Heh!
Stan: Alright! The fifth graders are gonna be here soon! Let's get Kyle's Grandma! This is gonna be sweeet!
Cartman: (finds the empty sled) Uh, problem, guys!
Stan: What's the problem?!
Cartman: No Grandma!
Kyle: No Grandma?!
Cartman: No Grandma!
Kyle: (looks) She's not here!
Stan: She has to be here!
Kyle: Well, she's not here! That's just great! Thanks a lot, Stan! You're gonna get me busted again!
(Cut to City Hall. Officer Barbrady is speaking to the crowd at the podium.)
Barbrady: Okay, people! I know we all want to get down to the docks for the Halloween Haunt, but first we just need to inform you of the people or persons out there digging up bodies to have sex with them! Gentlemen! (The two Graveyard Watchmen take over the podium)
Watchman #1: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! A person who steals bodies to have sex with them is called a necrophiliac! So that you all know what to expect, my partner, Allen, has drawn a sketch of what having sex with a dead body might look like. (Watchman #2, or Allen, shows his sketch)
Everybody: Aaaaaaw!
Watchman #1: Yes! We know it's horrible! It's probably best you not look at it! (Watchman #2 puts his sketch away.) Now, Allen will demonstrate what having sex with a dead body might sound like! (Watchman #2 opens a jar of Mayo and pumps his fist in and out of the jar making the pumping sound)
Everybody: Aaaaaaw!
Man: Excuse me! How is this helping?!
Barbrady: That's it, folks! Now, we can all go to the docks and enjoy the Halloween Haunt!
(A Pirate Ghost appears)
Pirate Ghost #1: No! Don't go to the docks! Arrrg!
Everybody: Yaaaaaaaaa!
Pirate Ghost #1: Arrg! I'm Captain Bleigh! You land lubbers had better stay away from the docks or else there'll be hell to pay!
Everybody: Yaaaaaaaaa!
Pirate Ghost #1: Fire the cannons!
(The Pirate Ghost Ship appears in the air. It's cannon fires a cannon ball and hits the audience at the City Hall injuring people.)
Pirate Ghost #1: Ar har har har!
(People scream and run everywhere. The other Pirate Ghosts appear)
Pirate Ghost #2: Arrrg! (Cuts off the heads of two people with his sword.)
Pirate Ghost #1: We won't warn ya again! Stay away from our docks!
(The Pirate Ghosts and the Pirate Ghost Ship disappear. Father Maxi enters and takes the podium.)
Father Maxi: I warned you! I told you this would happen! When you allow bands like KORN to come to town and play your hethanistic Halloween concerts, this is what you get!
(Cut to South Park Docks Stage. KORN are rehearsing. There is a banner over the band reading "CHEF'S 2ND ANNUAL HALLOWEEN BASH!".)
Jonathan: Great rehearsal, gang! That was really groovy! Let's practice one more time before the show starts!
Deejay: (enters) Uh guys, I'm sorry, but the Halloween Haunt's been cancelled!
Jonathan: Cancelled?!
Deejay: You best clear out of here! There's Pirate Ghosts and they'll kill you! (he leaves)
Jonathan: Well, gang, it looks like we have to pack it up!
KORN: Aaaaaaw!
(Stan, Kyle, and Cartman enter. Cartman is still holding his Antonio Banderas blow-up doll)
Kyle: Goddammit! Now what the hell are we gonna do?!
Munky: Oh, hey! The kids from last night!
Head: Wow! Is that the Antonio Banderas life-sized blow-up doll?!
(Kenny enters in his realistic robot costume.)
David: Hey, Kenny!
Kenny: {Oh man!}
Jonathan: Say, what's the matter! You kids look kinda glum!
Kyle: Somebody took my dead Grandma!
Fieldy: What?!
Stan: We dug her up 'cause we wanted to scare the fifth graders, but then something took her body away!
Kyle: Now she's doomed to walk the earth in Limbo! Wa wa wa wa!
Fieldy: Aaaw! I hate to see little clowns cry!
Jonathan: Well, that does it! Something funny is going on here! Your missing Grandma must be connected to somehow to those creepy Pirate Ghosts!
David: They're not Pirate Ghosts, Jonathan! They're Ghost Pirates!
Jonathan: Huh?!
David: Pirate Ghost would suggest that a pirate died and became a ghost, but a Ghost Pirate is a ghost that later made a concious decision to be a pirate!
Munky: No, David! Then they are Pirate Ghosts because they're the ghosts of pirates!
Fieldy: You're wrong because there were no pirates in Colarado! So these must be ghosts that decided to become pirates after the fact!
Jonathan: But that makes them Pirate Ghosts!
David: No! It makes them Ghost Pirates!
Munky: Pirate Ghosts!
Head: Guys! Guys! Guys! Fighting isn't gonna solve anything! Don't you see?! This is exactly what those Ghost Pirates want us to do!
Jonathan: Pirate Ghosts!
Kyle: Then, you'll help us?!
Jonathan: Sure, we'll help you! If there's one thing we like more than playing music, it's solving a groovy mystery!
Kids: Alright!
(Cut to City Hall. A disaster!)
Chef: Is everybody okay?!
Shiela: People stealing bodies to have sex with them!? Pirate Ghosts destroying the town!? When did everything go so wrong?!
Gerald: I hate to say it, but I think Priest Maxi was right! This is what we get for celebrating Halloween and allowing that band KORN to come play!
Mr. Garrison: He's right! Nothing ever went wrong in this town before that evil KORN band showed up!
Sharron: Well, I say we go find them and kick their devil worshiping butts out of town!
Everyone: Yeaaaaah! Get rid of them!
Randy: Lynch Mob!
(Everyone gathers up some lighted torches and pitchforks and heads toward the docks to find KORN.)
(Cut to the South Park Docks Stage. Kids and KORN are off stage)
Jonathan: So, this is where you last saw your dead Grandma!
Kyle: Right!
Stan: Maybe there really are Pirate Ghosts and they took her inside!
Jonathan: Alright, gang! We have to split up and look for clues!
Stan: How shall we split up?!
Jonathan: I know! Let's have everyone who enjoys having obstacles in their life which they can overcome go this way (points to his right) and everyone who's insecurity sabotage their potential to overcome those obstacles go that way. (points to his left)
KORN: Okay!
(Fieldy, Jonathan, Munky, Stan, and Kyle join the Obstacle Overcomming group, while David, Head, Cartman, and Kenny join the other group)
Kyle: Wow! That was easy!
(Cut to KORN's van parked on another part of the docks. The Lynch Mob enter with their torches and pitchforks)
Randy: Here's their van! Here's their van!
Woman: Let's flip it over!
Everyone: Yeah!
Barbrady: Okay, people! Let's try to stay orderly! The best way to do this is all get on one side and push it from the top!
(Everyone does so.)
Randy: Devil worshipers!
(The van falls over)
Everyone: Yeah!
Mobster: C'mon! They've gotta be around here somewhere!
(Cut to inside the building on South Park Docks. Jonathan, Niblit, Fieldy, Stan, and Kyle are in their group)
Stan: This place give me the creeps!
Jonathan: (picks up a book lying on a barrel) Say! This looks like a clue! (reads the title) "Pirate Lore of South Park". Hmm! Now, why would Pirate Ghosts need a book on pirates?!
(A bang makes the group jump!)
Kyle: Wh-what was that?!
Jonathan: The noise came from in here. (opens a door) Stay close, everybody!
(They enter the door. Fieldy colides with a pillard and looses his glasses.)
Fieldy: Oh, no! I lost my glasses!
(Cut to another part of the building with the other group: Munky, David, Head, Kenny, and Cartman still holding his blown-up Antonio Banderas doll)
Head: What does this dead Grandma look like?!
Cartman: Uh, she was all like crunchy and crispy and stuff!
David: Hey! I got an idea! We should set a groovy trap!
Munky: Good idea!
Cartman: How do we trap a bunch of Pirate Ghosts?!
David: We need something that might catch their eye to use as bait! I know! Your Antonio Banderas love doll!
Cartman: Oh, no! This is my Christmas present! If anything happens to it, my mom will know I opened it early!
Munky: C'mon, kid! We all have to do our part! Even Antonio!
(Cut to where the first group were)
Fieldy: My glasses gotta be around here somewhere! (Pirate Ghost #2 appears. he feels the ghost) Is that you, Jonathan?! Boy, I'm glad to see you! I lost my glasses!
Pirate Ghost #2: Raarg!
Fieldy: Hey! You got a cold, Jonathan?!
Pirate Ghost #2: Aarrg! (laugh track)
Fieldy: Yeah! That sounds like a groovy song, man! Remember that one!
Jonathan: Fieldy, what are you doing?!
Fieldy: Oh, I was talking to you, Jonathan! Hey, wait a minute! If you're over there, then how could you be over here unless you're actually a...?!
Jonathan and Fieldy: P-p-pirate Ghost!!! (the group runs away)
Pirate Ghost #2: Aarrg!
(Cut to second group. David is setting the trap)
David: Okay! Here's how the trap will work! When the Pirate Ghosts walk in, they should go right for Antonio Banderas! When they hit the super slippery floor, they'll slide onto this mining car which will travel down this path into the next room where the fish net will fall on them!
Cartman: Wow! Cool!
Munky: Hey! Somebody's coming! (the group hides. The first group enters still running from the Pirate Ghost which frightened them in the previous scene.)
Jonathan and Fieldy: Aaaaaaaaah!
Stan: We've got to hide!
Jonathan: Hey! There's Antonio Banderas! He'll help us! Mr. Banderas!
David: Jonathan, no!
(The group runs into the trap. They slip on the slippery floor.)
Jonathan, Fieldy, Stan, and Kyle: Heeeeeelp! (they fall into the mining car) Heeeeeelp! (The mining car goes speeding into the next room)
Head: Oh, no!
Jonathan, Fieldy, Stan, and Kyle: Heeeeeelp! (they are in the next room. they bump into the wall.) Ow! (They are stopped)
Head: Hold on, guys!
(The two Graveyard Watchmen and the Lynch Mob enter the scene.)
Watchman #1: Alright, KORN! Time for you to get out of town!
(The three Pirate Ghosts appear.)
Pirate Ghosts: Arrrg!
Everyone: Aaaaaah!
Randy: KORN is sending their demon minions upon us!
Everyone: Aaaaaah!
Jonathan: Alright, gang! Looks like we're gonna have to use our special KORN powers! (KORN form a circle and join their hands in the middle) KORN powers, vitalize!
Munky: Munky!
David: David!
Fieldy: Fieldy!
Head: Head!
Jonathan: Jonathan!
KORN: Form of KORN!
(Jonathan and Fieldy turn into corn on the cob. David turns into a bucket of popcorn. Munky turns into a single kernel. And Head turns into a can of corn. Silence. David pops a few of his kernels. The Lynch mob are quiet. More silence. The Pirate Ghosts are quiet. After more silence, KORN turn back into their old selves.)
Jonathan: Alright! Great job, gang!
Cartman: That didn't help at all!
Head: We know! It's just cool to do!
Pirate Ghost #2: Arrrg!
Niblit: Niblit! (cuts the net. the net lands on the Pirate Ghosts.)
KORN: Niblit!
Barbrady: What the hell is that thing?! (pointing to Niblit.)
David: You did it, Niblit! You trapped them!
Jonathan: Yeah! And now, let's see who these Pirate Ghosts really are! (the Pirate ghosts disappear under the net.) Oh, I guess they really were Pirate Ghosts!
(Officer Barbrady approaches KORN at gun-point)
Barbrady: Alright, KORN! You can stop your demonic shenanagins and come downtown with me!
Niblit: He he! Look what Niblit sees! (Opens a trap door in the ceiling and Father Maxi falls out from the trap door)
Father Maxi: Woah!
Chef: What the...?!
Man in a Ghoti: Father Maxi?!
Father Maxi: Well, what're you waiting for, Barbrady?! Arrest that band!
Barbrady: Oh?!
Jonathan: No! Arrest HIM!
Everyone: Huh?!
Jonothan: I think I got this groovy mystery solved!
(Cut to outside, on the South Park Docks.)
Chef: Well, I must say! I still don't get this at all!
Jonathan: It's simple! Priest Maxi didn't want there to be a Halloween, so he decided to scare everyone away from the docks!
David: Yeah! And then he used this flashlight and some cotton swabs to create the ghosts. (he demonstrates by shining the flashlight on the cotton swabs. the Pirate Ghosts appear as a result.)
Fieldy: Then all he needed was some sound effects created by this cup and a piece of cheese! (Demonstrates with the cup and cheese on his mouth) Arrrg! (sounding just like the Pirate Ghosts)
Jonathan: And all he had to do then was create a ghost ship by using some candles, a mirror, and two squirrels. (sets up these items to reveal the Pirate Ghost Ship)
Chef: Father, why did you go to all this trouble?!
Father Maxi: Because Halloween is an abomination of God! I would do anything to stop this wretched unholy holiday!
Chef: Including killing people and reeking havoc all over South Park?!
Watchman #1: Don't you see that by trying to stop Halloween you've scared the hell out of everybody!
Father Maxi: No!
Barbrady: Okay, buddy! You can explain downtown! (takes Father Maxi away)
Shiela: Well, this is all fine and good, but it doesn't explain what happened to my mother's body!
Kyle: Yeah! Where's Grandma?!
(The brown dog enters and coughs up the head of Cleo Broflovski.)
Everybody: Yeech!
(Then, the dog coughs up the rest of the body.)
Stan: There she is!
Everybody: Oh! Ho ho!
Chef: Well, thanks a lot, KORN! Your KORN powers really came through for us!
Sharron: Yes! We were wrong about you! Will you please play for our Halloween party!
Jonathan: Well, sure! Why the heck not!
Everybody: Alright!
Niblit: (raises the Bullies' Pirate Ghost Puppet and creates the sound effect) Rarrrg!
Stan: Oh, no! The Pirate Ghosts are back!
(Niblit drops the Bullies' Puppet to reveal himself)
KORN: Niblit!
Niblit: Uh, oh!
(Cut to Concert. KORN are all set up for their show.)
Jonathan: (to the audience) Well, this sure has been a wacky night, but me and the gang learned a lot and we hope you did too! You all perceive us to be mean evil people, but really, we're just normal guys! And we all percieve Pirate Ghosts to be real when actually they were just cotton swabs! So I guess the lesson is "It's easy to perceive something some way and then be wrong! So we all need to learn to be a little less perceptive!"!
Everybody: Yeah!
Jonathan: The gang and I wrote a song about it, and it goes a little something like this! And a one, and a two, and a...AAAAAAAAAAAAH! (KORN play their song. The audience are a little stunned by KORN's demonic sounding format. The Bullies are watching the concert and up creeps the body of Cleo Broflovski.)
Stan: (doing the sound effect) Boo!
Bullies: Aaaaaah! (They run away.)
Stan and Kyle: Sweet!
(KORN is still playing. Cartman still has his blow-up Antonio doll. Niblit comes up and deflates Cartman's doll. The doll is flat and broken.)
Cartman: Antonio! No! You son of a bitch creature from outer space! Hey! Come back hnya! (Chases Niblit. KORN is still playing. cut to Costume Contest)
Mr. Garrison: And the winner of the Costume Contest is Wendy for her Chewbacca costume! Come on up, Wendy! (Wendy enters wearing her Chewbacca costume while KORN are playing their song.)
Kenny: {Aw!} (disappointed. and he's still wearing his awsome robot costume.)
(Closing Credits with KORN's song)
Kenny: (still disappointed about losing the costume contest. Strolls and sulks along South Park Docks while KORN is still playing. A tiny miniature space ship comes and ties a cable around his legs and trips him.) {What the hell!? What the fuck!?} (he falls. some more tiny space ships come and destroy him! Rats eat him up!)
(Back to Closing Credits with KORN's song. End.)