(Open to the Marsh Family Car driving at night. Randy drives. Sharon sits in front with Randy. Stan sits in the back)
Stan: I don't wanna go to the stupid party!
Randy: Come on, Stan! You're gonna have a great time!
Stan: No! YOU guys are gonna have a great time! Whenever there's a party, the adults get to hang out and have fun while the kids spend the night locked in the basement eating stale pretzils!
Randy: Well, your Mom and I don't get out much, so you'll just have to bear through it!
(Cut to Mr. Mackey's House. Banner across house says "Meteor Shower Party".)
(Randy parks the car. The Marsh family walks to the door which reads "Welcome Skywatchers". Randy Rings the doorbell. Mr. Mackey answers.)
Mr. Mackey: Hello! Welcome! Mkay?! This is already a wild party!
Randy: Yeah! Well uh, sorry we had to bring the kid along. We had nowhere else to put him!
Mr. Mackey: Oh, that's okay! I got a special kids room down in the basement!
Stan: Aaaaaaw!
(They enter. Inside)
Mr. Mackey: Be sure to help yourselves to the crab soufle and the...uh, Wanita! Wanita! (Claps twice) We need some more finger sandwiches!
(Cut to basement stairs. Mr. Mackey leads the Marsh family down the stairs)
Stan: I don't wanna hang out in the kids room! I won't know anybody!
Randy: Well, it would be good for you to make new friends. You can't just hang out with your buddy Kyle all the time! People'll think you guys are...You know! Funny! I bet you'll have a great time!
Mr. Mackey: Here we go! Its right in here! (opens the door to the basement. They walk in. Cut to basement)
Stan: Huh! (shocked as he meets with Pip, Jim Butters, and Dougie, three of the biggest dweebs in school, or Melvins as they will be called in this episode)
Randy: We'll be upstairs if you need anything, Stan!
Stan: Dad! You can't leave me here! These guys are total melvins!
Sharon: Have fun, Stanley!
Stan: No, Mom, please! They're the geekiest kids in our school!
Mr. Mackey: We'll come get you kids when the meteor shower starts! (he exits with Randy and Sharon and shuts the door.)
(Stan looks at the three melvins and tries to open the door, but it is locked.)
Pip: Cherrio, Stan! I do say, it's quite a nice surprise seeing you here!
Stan: Shut up, Pip!
Butters: Hey, Stan! Weeell, I sure am glad you're here. Cuz then we'll have even more fun than we...Well, than we was havin before! We w'...We were havin an awfully good time before you showed up too, However.
Stan: Butters, is there any way out of here?
Butters: Nope! No way out! But...but there ain't nothin upstairs but an old stupid party anyways! It's better down here in the kids room. (points to Dougie) Uh, this here is Dougie! He's not too old, but he sure is a hoot to hang with! Uh, he's a first grade, I think!
Dougie: I like math!
Stan: Oh, my God!
Pip: We were just playing a game called Wickershums and Decklers. Do you want to play?
Stan: No!
Pip: I'm the head Wickernicker, and you are all Wickershangs. We all sing the merry tune of Stratford untill I yell "Tarah!", and then you all fall down laughing and I join you as I find it funny too! Stan, would you be the Wickershangerbrungerbrier? (Stan does not answer) Well, alright! Here we go! Wippie tippie tu tu! Tra La la La!
Melvins: Wippie tippie tu tu! Tra La la La! Wippie tippie tu tu! Tra La la La! (Stan tries the locked door again)
(Cut to upstairs)
Mr. Garrison: (to Mr. Mackey) Great party, Mr. Mackey! Mr. Hat just grabed Principal Victoria's Ass! (making believe that Mr. Hat is pulling away) No! Mr. Hat! You get back here!
Mr. Mackey: Anyone for some meteor mai tai punch? It packs quite a wollup!
Sharron: Oh, I'll pass! I don't drink hard alcohol!
Mr. Mackey: C'mon! Loosen up! Meteor showers only come once in a great wild! (Gives Sharron a Mai Tai)
Randy: One little drink isn't gonna hurt anything, honey! Live a little!
Sharron: Well, it is kind of a special night. I guess I could experiment! (Shakes the Mai Tai a little)
Randy: Yeah! Experiment! (Sharron drinks the Mai Tai)
(Cut to Basement)
Melvins: Wippie tippie tu tu! Tra La la La!
Pip: Wickershung! Talley ho!
Melvins: Flop! (fall down)
Pip: Are you sure you don't want to play, Stanley?
Stan: Yes!
Dougie: What are you, a sour puss?
Butters: Weeell, you really oughta play, Stan! It's an awfully fun game! I...I've never been to England, buuuut I bet the people there are real nice! Are people nice in England, Pip? I'll bet they are, huh! They got those thick noses and all!
Pip: (looks in a box) Hey! Look at this!
Butters: W...what is it? Is it something neat? I...I wonder what it could be!
Pip: It's a box filled with ladies clothes!
Dougie: (picks up a bra) Neato!
Butters: Heey! You know what we could do with these lady clothes? Huh? Why! Weeeell, we could play Charlie's Angles!
Stan: Aw, Dude! You godda be kidding me!
Pip: Ah, yes! Let's! Can I be Jaqueline Smith? Can I?
Butters: No! I gedda be Jaqueline Smith! See, I thought of Charlie's Angles! And I gedda be Jaqueline Smith! Cuz I thought of it!
Pip: Oh! This stuff's as fun as Wickershungs and Decklers! Come on, Angles! Let's get dressed! (Melvins grab some ladies clothing. to Stan) Which ladies garnments would you like, Stan?
Stan: Dude, I'm not putting on ladies clothes and I'm not playing Charlies Angles! You guys are Melvins, and I'm not one of you! So, you go ahead and be Melvins and leave me alone!
Pip: Well! Alrighty, then!
(Cut to back yard. The Hot Tub)
Mr. Mackey: Here it is! I just had the hot tub put in last week!
Gerald: Wow! Neat!
Sheila: It looks quite inviting!
Mr. Mackey: Yeah! You can get a lot of action when you have a hot tub!
Sharron: Oh, Mr. Mackey! You nut!
Randy: Hell! We should get in!
Gerald: Yeah!
Mr. Mackey: Sure! Go ahead! It's a...it's a party, isn't it, mkay!
Sharron: Oh, I'm not hot tubbing! I have nothing to wear!
Mr. Mackey: Hma! Hmma! That's okay! Hma! Hmma!
Sheila: No hot tub for me!
Gerald: Well, screw you guys! (removes clothes and jumps into the hot tub)
Randy: I'm getting in for a while too! (removes clothes and jumps into the hot tub) Geronimo!
Sharron: Oh, look at our boys, Sheila! It's just like they're in college again!
(Cut to Basement. Melvins wearing lady clothes)
Pip: Okay, Angels! What's our mission this week?
(Pause)
Butters: Well, I don't know what our mission is! Do you know what our mission is, little first grade kid?
Dougie: How should I know?
Pip: Oh, dear! We're Charlies Angels but we don't have a mission!
Butters: Hey, that's because we need Bosly! Uh, Bosley always told the Angles what there mission was! Remember Bosley? Wellowell, we need somebody to be Bosley!
(Melvins pause and all look at Stan)
Stan: What?!
Pip: Well, we hate to trouble you, Stan, but would you mind terribly being Bosley for us?
Stan: What do I have to do?
Butters: You-uh-you just godda tell us what our mission is! That's all! That's all Bosley does! Just give a mission and us Angles will accomplish it!
Stan: Alright, alright! Here's your mission! In ten minutes this room is gonna fill with water and drown everybody! You have to find me a way out of this room fast!
Pip: Oh! That's a splendid mission!
Butters: Well-uh! What are we waiting for? We godda find our way out of this room, by golly! Or else, we're all gonna get drowned! C'mon, Angles! (Melvins spread out)
Dougie: Which Angel am I again?
(Cut to Hot Tub with Gerald and Randy soaking alone)
Randy: Oh, boy! It's nice to have a night out without the kids, huh!
Gerald: Yeah, I know what you mean!
Randy: I love having a family and all! I just miss being able to party, drinking and socializing, experimenting with all kinds of different things.
Gerald: Well, that's what being young is all about! Once you have a family and a career, your experimenting days are over! But, tonight is the exception! (takes out a cigar) That's why I'm gonna smoke this cigar! Only 'cause I've never smoked before!
Randy: Good idea! (Gerald lights his cigar)
Gerald: What haven't you tried that you've always wanted to try?
Randy: Huh! Hm, I don't know! Maybe I'll drink a few more beers and see where the party takes me!
Gerald: Yeah! (pause) Was that your leg?
Randy: Huh? Oh, you mean this?
Gerald: Yeah!
Randy: Yeah, that was me!
(Cut to Basement)
Pip: Bosley! Bosley!
Stan: What, Pip!
Pip: Oh, no, no! My name is Sabrina Duncan! Remember! We're playing Charlie's Angles!
Stan: What the hell do you want?!
Pip: Well, we've completed our mission! Jim found a way upstairs!
Stan: He did?! (follows Pip to an open vent where the other Melvins)
Dougie: Air shaft!
Butters: Dougie pushed that big box out of the way and found this old ventalation duct! And I reckon it's godda lead somewhere! I...I'ts good, 'cause...'cause now we won't drown!
Pip: So, Bosley, what's our next mission?
Stan: We're going upstairs!
Butters: Upstairs? Wh...why, there's ain't nothin upstairs but adults! Why would we want to go upstairs for?
Stan: Because, you stupid melvins, they have rad food and deserts upstairs!
(They go up the vent)
(Cut to hot tub)
Randy: Hey, did you see Principal Victoria in there? She looks hot!
Gerald: She sure does! I wouldn't mind taking that home!
Randy: Oh, ho! Yeah, ha! I'm sure your wife would love that!
Gerald: I wish! That's the one thing I've always thought of experimenting with! A threesome!
Randy: With two girls or two guys?
Gerald: Well, two girls, of course! I mean, with another guy, you know, that'd be...(pause)
Randy: Dude, you've never had a homosexual fantasy? Not that I have!
Gerald: You haven't?
Randy: No! I mean, well, they say everyone has at some point, don't they?
Gerald: Well, I never really wanted to experiment with anything too crazy! You know! Maybe just...I don't know...masturbate in front of another guy.
Randy: Yeah! Well, that's...that's not really gay! Is it?
Gerald: No! No, I don't think so!
Randy: Well, it is a night for experimenting!
Gerald: Sure is!
Randy: Okay, I'll start! (Begins to masturbate)
(Cut to Across the street. ATF Officers are surrounding Mr. Mackey's estate. The ATF Commander is looking through green lensed binoculars at the house zooming in on Mrs. Cartman at the party on the phone. See Episode 307. Then, the Commander looks at two other guys having a good time)
ATF Commander: (removes binoculars) This must be the place! They've got all kinds of crazy things going on in there!
ATF Officer: (On a walkie talkie) Code seven! Legally, we've found the compound! Request Immediate backup!
(ATF Commander looks into the binoculars again and sees Officer Barbrady)
Barbrady: Okay! So just what is going on here, people?
ATF Commander: (removes binoculars and pushes Barbrady down) GET DOWN!
Barbrady: What?
ATF Commander: It's just like we told you, officer! There's a religious cult in there that plans to commit mass suicide when the meteor shower starts!
Barbrady: Are you sure?
ATF Commander: Of course, we're sure! We're the Beaureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Fire Arms! It's our job to know what these fanatics do!
Barbrady: So what does the ATF do when religious fanatics are going to commit mass suicide?
ATF Commander: Uh, don't worry! We won't let that happen! Even if it means we have to kill each and everyone of them!
(Cut to later. ATF vehicles are now closer to the house)
ATF Commander: What's the situation?
ATF Officer: Apparently, we've got at least five dozen men and women in there who intend to commit suicide when the meteor shower starts!
ATF Commander: Any luck talking to somebody in the house?
ATF Officer: We've tried calling, but there's no answer! I think we're gonna have to move in, sir!
ATF Commander: Alright! Johnson!
Johnson: (another officer of ATF) Sir!
ATF Commander: I'm sending you in! Watch your ass!
Johnson: Yes, sir! (approaches the door. rings the doorbell. Opens the door, enters, and arms himself. Through the eyepiece of his weapon, he sees a couple on the couch and then Mr. Mackey)
Mr. Mackey: Oh! Come on in! Join the party! Mkay?! Would you like a meteor mai tai?
Johnson: Hey! I love mai tais! (Closes the door and joins the party)
(Cut to another part of the party room where the air duct is locate. Stan and Melvins come out of the duct.)
Pip: We did it! Great job, Angles!
Butters: So, what's our mission now? Huh, Bosley? W...Whadya want us to do now, I wonder?
Stan: Alright, Angles! Uh, your next mission is to get Bosley some cookies and a TV set!
Pip: What kind of cookies do you want, Bosley?
Stan: I don't care! Just hurry!
Butters: Uh, hooray!
(Cut to Hot Tub. Gerald and Randy are out of the tub and dressed)
Gerald: So! Well! That was certainly...interesting!
Randy: Yeah!
Gerald: You don't regret doing it, now do you?
Randy: No, no! What's there to regret? Right? I mean, all we did was watch each other...masturbate! That's...that's not gay or anything! We said so! Right?
Gerald: Tha...that's right! It's just harmless experimenting!
Randy: Well, lets get back into the party and see what everybody's doing!
Gerald: Hey! Nothing changes between us, right? I mean, we're still friends!
Randy: Uh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure!
(Cut to Outside)
ATF Commander: Dammit! Where's Johnson?!
ATF Officer: No communication, sir! It doesn't look good for him!
ATF Commander: Those bastards!
(Cut to party. Johnson is still partying with the others.)
Man: Great party, Mr. Mackey! Thank you so much!
Mr. Mackey: Are you sure you have to leave so early?
Woman: We both have to be up early tomorrow, but thanks again!
Mr. Mackey: Mkay! Drive carefully! Mkay?!
(The Man and Woman exit. They are a couple. Cut to outside, front door. A huge spotlight shines on the couple.)
ATF Commander: Hold it right there! Whatever it is you are intending to do, do not do it! Your freaky religious cult will not succeed in its plan!
Man: What?
ATF Commander: Do not move or we will forced to shoot...(The Man and Woman are shot dead) God dammit! Who was that?! (All officers raise their hands) Did you see them move?
ATF Officer #1: I did!
ATF Officer #2: Yeah! Yeah, they moved alright!
(Cut to party)
Jimbo: Well, I'll tell ya what! We may not have Elway this year, but Brister won every game he started in last year!
Cameron: Well, that's true! But Elway was the heart of the team! Who's the leader now?
Blond Guy: I think the Jets are gonna be the team to beat this year in the AFC!
Randy: Yeah! Hey, uh! If you watch another guy masturbate, does that make you gay?
Jimbo: What?!
Randy: Well, I just...I have this buddy! Uh, he sat and watched another guy play with himself!
Cameron: Well, lets go kick his ass!
All The Guys: (except Randy) Yeah!
Jimbo: Where is he?!
Randy: Oh, he lives in...like...Florida!
Cameron: Aww! (All The Guys leave Randy alone. Gerald approaches)
Gerald: Hey, Randy! What're you doing?
Randy: Nothing! Uh, I'm gonna go get some chips.
Gerald: Can I come with you?
Randy: Okay!
(Cut to Mr. Mackey's bedroom. The kids enter.)
Butters: Come right on in here, Bosley! It wa...it was my idea! I-uh got to thinking, w-w-where do people keep TV sets, and then I remembered that lots of grown-ups have TVs in thier bedrooms! So...so I walked into Mr. Mackey's bedroom, uh, and sure enough! Here it was!
Stan: Rad!
Pip: Okay, Bosley! We've got you cookies and a TV set! So, what's our next mission?
Stan: There are no more missions! I have everything I want! (Turns on TV)
Butters: Weee ain't got no more missions? W-w-what're we s'posed to do? We're Angles! Wha'do Angles do without missions?
Stan: Just play something else, Gawd!
Pip: Oh, dear! We've angered Bosley!
(There is a news break)
News Ancorman: (on TV) Tom, I'm standing in front of a house where a religious cult is planning to commit mass suicide when the meteor shower starts!
Stan: Woah, cool!
Dougie: I wanna be a reporter someday!
News Ancorman: (on TV) Just moments ago, a couple emerged from the house! (they show the same Man and Woman who had to leave the party early) According to the ATF, the couple refused to co-operate then pulled out very big guns and started shooting everyone. The ATF had no choice but to shoot the insane couple. And now, a stand off has insued.
Pip: Oh! That cult is about to be blown into tiny bits!
News Ancorman: (on TV) The ATF Commander tells us that he has reason to believe there may be children inside and that they are the primary concern of all!
Stan: Wait a minute! (Goes and looks out the window. Sees helicopters, tanks, and ATF officers in front of the house.)
News Ancorman: (on TV) There are choppers here along with several tanks...
Stan: Oh, my God! (leaves the window and joins Melvins) Dude! That's this house! They think our parents are the religious cult!
Dougie: Do you think someday I could be a reporter?
News Ancorman: (on TV) We've just received a photo from the RECON team of the action inside the house! (They show a B&W photograph of Stan looking out the window) Showing evedence that there are indeed inocent children trapped inside! Those sick cult fanatic bastards!
Stan: Dude!
Butters: Hey! Our parents aren't religious fantastics! Why, we godda tell them that they're makin an awful mistake! Don't we?!
Pip: Yes! Come on, Angles! Looks like we have a new mission!
(Cut to party. Everyone is incredibly drunk)
Everyone: Yeeeaaaah! Yahoo! Whoopie!
(Randy is sitting alone on the couch. Gerald approaches)
Gerald: Randy, you're making me feel unimportant! Talk! Talk, damn you!
Randy: Look, I'm just having a hard time with what we did in the hot tub!
Gerald: So...so now we can't be friends?
Randy: I didn't say that! I mean, I don't know! I...I just feel so strange. I know it's ridiculous, but can't help feeling like people here know! You know? Like, even though nobody could know cause we said we'd never tell anybody.
Gerald: We said we'd never tell anybody?
Randy: Well, of course we wouldn't!
Gerald: Oh! Well, I didn't realize that!
Randy: Y...you didn't...tell anybody! Did you?
Gerald: Well, a...a few people! Yeah!
Randy: What?! Why the hell would you do that?
Gerald: You didn't say not to tell anyone!
Randy: Well, of course, I thought it would be implied! When you masturbate with another guy in a hot tub, you assume that nobody's gonna tell anybody!
Gerald: Listen to you! You're yelling at me! You've never yelled at me before!
Randy: Aaaaarg!!! (he leaves)
(Cut to front door, inside.)
Stan: (talking to the partiers) Hey, you guys! We've got a big problem!
Everyone: Yeeeeaaaah!
Mr. Garrison: (or somebody who really sounds like him. he is wearing a lamp shade on his head. very drunk) Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Stan: The ATF is outside and they think you're all a religious cult! You gotta talk to them!
Everyone: Yeeeeaaaah!
Butters: Uh, How come they're actin that way, Stan? Huh?! How come they're laughin and fallin down and such?
Stan: Mom! Go look outside!
Sharron: Mommy's little poopykins! (falls down and collapses)
Butters: L...lemmie handle this, Stan! Uh, now listen up and listen good everyone! Why, I'm awful dissapointed in you drinkin and carryin on this way! Why, you...you should be ashamed yourselves! If you don't get outside right now, and tell those army guys you're not a religious fantastics, there...well, there's gonna be heck to pay! Yep! Heck I tell ya!
Everyone: Yeeeeaaaah!
Stan: Come on! We're gonna have to to tell them ourselves! (The kids go outside. The ATF arm themselves and point the spotlight at the kids)
ATF Commander: Lay down your weapons!
Stan: We don't have any weapons!
ATF Commander: Go back inside and tell everyone that they are surrounded! Tell them to come out peacefully and we will not shoot them! (ATF starts shooting the kids)
Butters: Waaaaaaa!
Stan: Get back inside! (they go back inside)
(Cut to ATF setup)
ATF Commander: I don't think they're gonna come out. Use the Gagnes technique.
Barbrady: What's the Gagnes technique?
ATF Commander: This is what we did in Waco! Play really bad music really loud until it drives them nuts and makes them wanna come out!
(ATF sets up large speakers, two thirds the size of the house and plays the latest from Cher)
Cher: (on the speakers) Doo yoo bee lee laa woor dee laa world woh!
ATF Commander: (puts on ear protectors) Nobody can stand this much Cher! This is her new album! If this doesn't drive them out, nothing will!
(Cut to party inside)
(Mr. Mackey turns on his stereo which plays the same music that the ATF are playing outside)
Mr. Garrison: That's great music, Mr. Mackey! What is that?
Mr. Mackey: Oh, this is Cher! This is her new album!
Mr. Garrison: Well, hell! Turn it up! (Mr. Mackey turns up the volume. Cut to another part of the room)
Man with a Ghoti: Yeah! Well, you know what I heard! I...I heard that he's gay!
Another Man: Oh! Is he?
Randy: Who?!
Man with a Ghoti: Huh!?
Randy: Who...who did you hear is...is gay?!
Man with a Ghoti: Ricky Martin, the singer!
Randy: Oh! (The two guys leave and Gerald enters)
Gerald: Hey, Randy! What's up?
Randy: What the hell is that supposed to mean?!
Gerald: Huh?
Randy: Look! Sho...shouldn't you be hangin out with your wife right now?
Gerald: Well, I just felt like talkin to you!
Randy: There's nothing to talk about!
Gerald: Your having regrets, aren't you?
Randy: No! Why? I don't know!
Gerald: Hey! Talk to me!
Randy: NO!
Gerald: I thought we agreed what happened in the hot tub wouldn't change our relationship!
Randy: Will you stop it! I don't...! I just...!
Gerald: Hey, Mr. Withdrawn! You might not need to talk about it, but I sure do!
Randy: Aaaaarg!!! (he leaves)
(Cut to another part of the room)
Randy: Sharron! Sharron! Can...can we go?
Sharron: (still drunk) Go?! The meteor shower hasn't even started yet!
Randy: I know, but I want to make love to you right now! I have to make love to you right now!
Sharron: Randy, relax! We don't ever get to party. Now, come on! Loosen up! Experiment!
Randy: Oh! I already did!
Stan: (the kids enter) Dad! Dad! They shot at us!
Randy: Not now, Stan! (he leaves)
Stan: Mom!
Sharron: Whoopie! (Throws up a bowl of chips)
Everyone: Yeeeeaaaah!
Butters: Hey! What're we gonna do, huh? The-the-they shot at us! They really shot at us! They...they ain't gonna stop until we're all dead, I betcha! House and all our family!
Stan: (Slaps Butters) Get a hold of yourself, man!
Butters: How come you slapped my face, Stan? Huh? Why...why on earth would you go and do that for anyways?
Stan: C'mon! We have to find out what's happening! (kids leave)
(Cut to bedroom. Kids enter)
News Ancorman: (on TV) I'm standing now with Danny Gagnes, the commander of the ATF. Commander, what is the latest?
ATF Commander: (on TV) We have not had any co-operation with the cult inside the house! They are refusing to come out and apparently, they still plan to commit mass suicide once the meteor shower starts which should be any moment now!
Dougie: See how reporters get to wear those cool jackets? That's why I wanna be a reporter
News Ancorman: (on TV) So what are your plans, commander?
ATF Commander: (on TV) Right now, our plan is to burn the house down. If we set it on fire, they'll have no choice but to come out
Butters: Oh! Dear God! They're gonna set us on fire! Oh, great Jesus, son of Mary, wife of Joseph! What're we gonna do! Huh? Oh, sweet Joseph, husband of Mary, but not father of sweet Jesus!
Stan: Shhh!
News Ancorman: (on TV) Setting them of fire seems a little dangerous, commander!
ATF Commander: (on TV) It is! But we can't let them kill themselves!
Stan: We have to let them know this isn't a cult party!
Pip: But we can't! They'll just shoot at us again!
Butters: Uh, they're gonna burn us up and act like nothin happened! Oh, sweet Jesus! Mary, mother of Jesus, wife of Joseph, father of Mary! Well...wait! Mary, wife of... Hold on!
Stan: Come on, Angles! We've got a new mission! And this time, it's for real!
(Cut to Outside with ATF and News Ancorman)
News Ancorman: Four hours now, the ATF has tried to communicate with the religious fanatics inside this house. The meteor shower is expected to begin at any moment. And so, time is running out!
(Cut to party)
Mr. Mackey: Ho, ho! Look! Harold's doing it again! Hm, hm! Hmkay?! (indicating Harold who has a lamp shade on his head)
(Pan to kids filming their own news report. Stan holds the camcorder)
Dougie: This is Jill Monroe reporting live from inside the meteor shower party. As you can see, this is a perfectly normal party. Nobody is killing themselves. We tried to tell ATF people, but they shot at us. Anything else?
Stan: Tell them not to burn us down!
Dougie: Oh, yeah! Don't burn us, please! Jill Monroe, GFN news! (stan turns off camcorder)
Pip: Now, what do we do?
Stan: Now, we find a way to get this tape out to the real reporters!
Dougie: Hey! I'm a real reporter!
Stan: You're right! You are, Dougie! You did an awesome job!
(Cut to Outside)
ATF Commander: Attention, cult people! Do not commit mass suicide! There are so many reasons not to kill yourselves! Flowers, for instance! And back rubs! (puts down megaphone) Alright! I'm through trying to reason with them! Send in the negotiator!
(They bring in a giant cannon called "The Negotiator")
News Ancorman: Excuse me, but what proof do you have that those people inside are religious fanatics?
ATF Commander: We know what we're doing! We did this all before in Waco!
News Ancorman: Yes, but you totally screwed up Waco! You killed a bunch of innocent people and then tried to say they killed themselves!
ATF Commander: Look! You see this? You see this? (waving a little pink toy bunny)
News Ancorman: Yes!
ATF Commander: You see it? You see it? Go get it! Go get it! (Throws the bunny. The News Ancorman leaves) Alright! Let's get ready to kick some religious fanatic ass!
(Cut to party. Randy is eating nachos. Gerald approaches him. Randy leaves goes to the punch bowl. Gerald follows.)
Gerald: Having a good time?
Randy: Yeah! Swell! Could I just have a few minutes alone?
Gerald: I'm not gonna let you change on me, Randy! Just because we shared an intimate moment in the hot tub, I won't...
Randy: We did not share an intimate moment! Okay? That makes it sound gay!
(Cut to Outside. Some partiers are leaving)
Partier: G'night everyone!
ATF Commander: Look out! (ATF shoots the leaving partiers)
Partiers: Ahh! Ow! Ow, ow! Ooh! (they're all dead)
ATF Commander: Hold your fire! Okay! (turns on megaphone) People at the door! That was a warning! Go back inside and tell the others that they now have one minute to surrender!
(The ATF aim the "Negotiator" at the door of the house)
(Cut to bedroom window)
Stan: Oh, no! We're out of time! Are you sure you can do this, Butters?
Butters: (tied with an end of rope) Well, no! I'm not sure! I'm not sure at all! What am I doin again?
Stan: We're just gonna slide you down this rope then you gotta get our exclusive video to that reporter down there!
Butters: That sounds awful dangerous!
Stan: Can you hit a target, Pip?
Pip: (holding a bow and plunger tied with the other end of the rope) I was Audrey Class, Esquire! Scrap Archer!
Stan: Hit something nice and solid, now! (Pip fires the plunger and hits Officer Barbrady in the face. Barbrady doesn't notice anything but stands still and drinks his cup)
Pip: I think that's got it! (tugs on the rope to test the solidness)
Stan: Nice job, Pip!
Pip: Did I do a nice job, really?
Stan: Alright, Butters! Now, it's your turn!
Butters: Weeeell, I don't know about this! I...I think I'll reconsider! Yep, I think reconsidering is the thing to do right now. (Dougie pushes him and he slides down the rope) Woooaaah!
(Cut to Outside)
(Butters is still sliding down the rope.)
Butters: Woooooaaaaa! (hits Barbrady) Dude!
(Cut to window)
Stan: He made it down!
(Cut to outside)
ATF Commander: Alright, people, prepare to fire on my command!
(Cut to News Truck)
Butters: Uh, Mr. Reporter Man, sir!
News Ancorman: Huh?
Butters: Uh, we've got an eyewitness exclusive video for you sir! (gives the video to the News Ancorman)
(Cut to party. Gerald approaches Randy again)
Gerald: Honey?
Randy: God! Everybody's looking at me! Everybody knows!
Gerald: Everybody doesn't know! Why are you so ashamed of me?
Randy: What's happened to you?! You've become all needy and talkative!
Gerald: I just want to know if it meant something to you!
Randy: IT DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING TO ME, GERRY! All WE DID WAS WATCH EACH OTHER MASTURBATE IN THE HOT TUB! (Everybody pauses and looks at him and Gerald)
Man in the back: Huh!
Half-nude Man: Aw! I was just IN the hot tub!
Randy: Yeah! Yeah, it's true! I thought it would be exciting and maybe it was! But, I can't deal with your accusing stares! We watched each other jack off in the hot tub! There! We did it! I'm not prowd of it, but there it is!
Mr. Mackey: Well, it's not like you're the only guy ever to watch another guy masturbate! I've done it!
Ned: Me too!
Man in a Dark Blue Suit: Yeah! I've done it a few times!
Brown Haired Man: Yep!
Mustached Man: Yep!
Red Haired Man: Yep!
Black Haired Man: Me too! (raises hand)
Middle-aged Man: Yeah, I've done it
Young Man: Yup!
Jimbo: Aww, hell! I...I've done it too! With Cameron, here! (Points to Cameron)
Mr. Mackey: Wanita, could you fix some more dip? Please, Wanita?
Randy: You mean it? I'm not gay?
Jimbo: Well, maybe a little! But, we're all a little gay!
Randy: Oh! I feel so much better! Wow!
Gerald: So, we're friends again?
Randy: You bet we are, Gerry! I feel great! I feel like I could take on the world! Everything gonna be okay!
(Cut to outside)
(ATF are aiming the "Negotiator")
ATF Commander: Alright, everyone! Fire!
News Ancorman: (enters) Hold on just a minute! This is Derrik Smalls reporting! We've just recieved an exlusive video from inside the house! Proving that the people inside are not cultists after all!
ATF Commander: Uh, oh! Uh, ah, attention, everyone! This has only been a test! Good job, men, on this, uh, simulation!
Blonde ATF Officer: Simulation?
ATF Commander: Shhh! All is well! Do not shoot at... ("The Negotiator" fires and destroys four other houses in the background. The four kids come out)
Pip: Oh! I believe we saved the day!
ATF Commander: (looking at the disaster casued by the "Negotiator") Wooops!
ATF Officer: Sir, this isn't gonna look good!
ATF Commander: You're right! Quick! Let's get out of here! (ATF vacates the scene)
News Ancorman: Say, that was a fine piece of journalism, boys!
Dougie: Wow! You mean it?
News Ancorman: Sure! Why, with your tape, I'll be able to make millions and further my career beyond my wildest dreams! (he leaves)
Butters: Wooaah! Hooray, then!
Pip: Well, Angles! I must say! I think we did a smashing job!
Butters: We...we sure did! Why, we put the fear of God into those ATF sons of guns, I can tell ya!
Stan: But you know, I learned something today! I used to call you guys melvins! But, you're just kids like me! We separate you in school because you talk different or study too hard! But, we've proven tonight that we can all get along!
Butters: Uh, so you mean we can stay friends, Stan? Won't that be swell! Huh!?
(Kyle enters wearing a Jew Scout's uniform and Ike enters wearing a Squirts uniform)
Kyle: Dude! I'm glad to see you! You would not believe the night I had!
Stan: You?! You think you had a bad night?! I had to hang out all night with these friggin melvins!
Kyle: Oh, Dude! Weak!
Stan: Super weak!
Kyle: C'mon! I'll tell you all about what happened to me! (Stan, Kyle, and Ike enter the house leaving Pip, Jim Butters, and Dougie Melvins once again, alone again, naturally!)
(Cher's song plays in the closing credits)