Transcribed by Lee Estall (lee.estall@home.com)
(Open to Cartman's house. Mrs. Cartman has brought home a package.)
Mrs. Cartman: Look, Eric! Mommy got you a present!
Cartman: A present! Is it a Rocket Racer?! No! Lemmie guess! It's a Frogman Game Board! No, wait! I know! It's a Police Power Chopper!
Mrs. Cartman: No! I got you something that's going to help you win the big spelling bee tomorrow!
Cartman: Sigh! Mom, I'm not gonna win the spelling bee! I never do!
Mrs. Cartman: This year's gonna be different! Look! (Opens the package which reads "HOOKED ON MONKEY FONICS".) I got you Hooked on Monkey Fonics!
Cartman: What the hell is Hooked on Monkey Fonics?!
Mrs. Cartman: It's a new way to learn how to read and spell! And it comes with everything you need to help win that spelling bee! (opens the package. Takes out flash cards, cassettes, instructions, a tiny drum set and A LIVE MONKEY.)
Fonics Monkey: Eh, YAP! (sits at the drum set.)
Mrs. Cartman: It says we just put the cassette into a tape player (take out a tape player and puts the cassette in and presses "play".)
Fonics Host: (on tape. toy xylophone introduction.) Welcome to Hooked on Monkey Fonics! Level one! I will read the sounds and the monkey will help keep the beat! If your monkey arrived in the box dead, call 1-800-555-4500 to get a new monkey! Ready!? Let's begin! (toy xylophone introduction. Fonics Monkey starts druming a basic jazz beat. Chants.) The learning monkey is here to say that reading is easy and it's okay! Work with monkey and you will learn to spell hard words like Morgan and Fern! (druming and chanting stop.) Start with card one! Ready?! Begin! (toy xylophone introduction. Mrs. Cartman shows the first flash card reading "CH CHALK". druming and chanting start again.) C! H! Ch! Chalk! (pause. Fonics Monkey pauses its drumming periodically in order for Cartman to keep the beat and respond. After a pause.)
Cartman: C! H! Ch! Chalk!
Fonics Host: (on tape) Good! Card two! (Mrs. Cartman shows the next card reading "TH THERE".) T! H! Th! There!
Cartman: T! H! Th! There! Hey! This is easy! (Chants.) I'm gonna win the spelling bee for sure, man! (Monkey ends with a Ching on a symbol.)
(Cut to South Park Street. Spelling Bee. The banner reads "The 15th Annual South Park Spelling Bee Finals". The mayor is running the bee some of the most familiar South Park kids, including Cartman and two new kids, are competing.)
Mayor: Alright, everyone! Welcome to the Fifteenth Annual South Park Spelling Bee Finals!
Everyone: Yay! Wooh! Woo, hoo! Yay!
Mayor: This should be very interesting! We have with us twelve of the brightest spellers from South Park Elementary!
Jimbo: Kyle! Kyle! He's our man! If he can't win it, I'm out fifty bucks!
Gerald: You bet money on my son to win?!
Jimbo: Sure! When it comes to spelling bees, always bet on the Jew!
Cartman: (to Kyle) You're going down, bitch!
Kyle: Shut up, fatass! Everyone knows I can spell better than you!
Cartman: Yeah! Well, this year, I have a secret weapon! (pan to the Fonics Monkey behind the curtain.)
Mayor: And joining us this year are the two homeschool children, Rebecca and Mark Coxwalds! (Rebecca and Mark go to face the audience.)
Jimbo: What?! (the two homeschool kids take their seats.)
Cartman: Homeschool kids?! Who the hell are they?!
Jimbo: Hey, that's not fair! You can't let homeschool kids into a public school spelling bee!
Kyle: What's a homeschool kid?!
Stan: I don't know, dude! I've never seen them before!
Mr. and Mrs. Coxwalds: (they clap) Go Mark! Go Rebecca!
Mayor: Our first contestant is Mark Coxwalds from homeschool! (Mark takes the microphone. only Mr. and Mrs. Coxwalds clap.) Alright, Mark! Your word is "Conscientious"!
Cartman: What?! What the fuck does that mean?
Mark: Conscientious! May I have the definition, please?!
Mayor: Closely attentive to details! Carefull!
Mark: Conscientious! Could you use it in a sentence, please?!
Mayor: Mary's analysis of the spread sheet was conscientious!
Mark: Conscientious! C! O! N! S! C! I! E! N! T! I! O! U! S! (bells ring)
Cartman: Holy crap! (Everyone is stunned.)
Mr. and Mrs. Coxwalds: (they clap) Way to go, Mark! Alright! (Mark takes his seat.)
Mayor: Okay! Our next contestant is Eric Cartman! (Cartman takes the mic.) Alright, Eric! Here's your word: "Chair"! (repeats it to make sure Cartman hears.) Chair!
Cartman: (long pause. whispers to Fonics Monkey behind the curtain.) C'mon Fonics Monkey! Drum! (pause) C'mon!
Fonics Monkey: (semi-silently to itself) Eek, eek, eek! Eek, eek, eek! Eek, eek, eek!
Mayor: Eric, your word is "Chair"!
Cartman: Uh, definition?!
Mayor: Something you sit on!
Cartman: Country of origin?!
Mayor: English!
Cartman: Could you please use it in a sentence?!
Mayor: Oh, for Christ sake, kid! The word is "Chair"!
Cartman: Uh, Chair! C! H! A! R! E! (Buzzer sounds.) Ah, dammit! How come I get the hard ones?! (runs off-stage) GET OVER HERE, YOU SON OF A BITCH FONICS MONKEY! (leaves.)
(Cut to Spelling Bee. Later. Only Mark, Rebecca, and Kyle are left competing.)
Mayor: Alright! We're down to just three finalists! First up is Rebecca Coxwalds from homeschool! (Rebecca takes the mic.) Alright, Rebecca
Rebecca: (she often shakes) Litoral! Definition!?
Mayor: Having to do with a lake or ocean!
Rebecca: Litoral! Will you please use it in a sentence?!
Mayor: Gary was most interested in the litoral features of Michigan!
Rebecca: Litoral! L! I! T! O! R! A! L! (bells ring)
Mayor: Correct!
Kyle: (in amazement) Wow!
Mr. Coxwalds: Alright, Rebecca! Good job, honey! (Rebecca takes her seat.)
Mayor: Now, we have Kyle Broflovski! (Kyle takes the mic.) Here we go! "Kroxyldiphyvic"!
Kyle: What?!
Mayor: "Kroxyldiphyvic"!
Kyle: Definition!?
Mayor: Something which has a kroxyldiphlyke quality!
Kyle: Uh, could you use it in a sentence?!
Mayor: Certainly! Kroxyldiphyvic is a hard word to spell!
Kyle: Kyoxyl-divic!
Jimbo: You can do it, kid! You can do it!
Kyle: Kyoxyl-divic! C! (Buzzer sounds.) Dammit!
Jimbo: You little bastard! You cost me fifty bucks! Why don't you run away and join the circus, you stupid little son of a bitch!? Aaaaw! (gets carried away by Stuart, Randy, Gerald and Ned)
Mayor: Congradulations, Mark and Rebecca! (gives Mark and Rebecca each a trophy.) You are truly South Park's finest! (a photographer takes their picture.)
Stan: Damn, dude! Those homeschool kids are smart!
Cartman: Yeah! Too bad they have the personalities of a wet dish cloth!
Kyle: (Walks up to Rebecca.) What's your name?!
Rebecca: What's in a name?!! (Walks to Mark.)
Kyle: Wow!
Mark: It was nice competing against you boys! We will have to do it again sometime!
Cartman: (sarcastically) Oh, yes! We must do it again!
Stan: We've never seen you before! Do you live in the woods or something?!
Mark: No, I live right over there! (points to a dark greenish house behind Cartman, Stan, and Kenny.) I lived there all my life!
Cartman: How come you don't go to school?!
Mark: Because I'm homeschooled!
Stan: What's that?!
Mark: My parents teach me! So I stay and home instead of going to school!
Cartman: You what?! S-stay at home?! All day?! No school?!
Mark: Right!
Cartman: (sings) Who would've thought such a miracle could be?! Who could've known that this moment, I would see a new way of living?! A chance to be free?!
Stan: Shut up, Cartman!
Cartman: You shut up, butthole! (hits Stan)
Stan: You shut up, gay wad! (hits Cartman)
Cartman: You shut up, ass logger! (hits Stan)
Mark: Oh, my goodness! Are you two enemies?!
Stan: N-no! W-we're friends!
Mark: Strange, friends would call each other names and fight!
Stan: What?!
Mr. Coxwalds: Come, children! Let's take our trophies home and place them high upon the mantle! (all four Coxwalds leave. Kyle is still looking at Rebecca.)
Stan: Dude, what a bunch of freakin' nerdos!
(Cut to Coxwalds' house. Night time. The family is eating dinner.)
Mark: Papa!
Mr. Coxwalds: Yes, Mark!
Mark: Why can't I go to school with the other boys?!
Mrs. Coxwalds: Huh! Oh!
Mr. Coxwalds: Well because son, public schools are inefficient and dangerous!
Mark: But I want to play with the other children! Oh, how they laugh and play, papa!
Mrs. Coxwalds: Mark, you have play time! You get to play in the afternoons!
Mark: I just feel like I should go to public school, if only for a little while, to see what other little boys are like!
Mr. Coxwalds: Mark, public schools are no good! Your mother and I were both homeschooled and we turned out much better, because of it!
Mark: Geez, papa! Just let me try for a few days!
Mr. Coxwalds: Alright! Fine, Mark! You go ahead and go to public school! You can just find out for yourself how flawed and trecherous it is!
Mark: Hooray!
Mr. Coxwalds: You don't wanna go to public school too! Do you, Rebecca?!
Rebecca: Oh heavens, no!
Mr. Coxwalds: Well, thank God for that! At least my daughter will remain safe! (the doorbell rings. Mrs. Coxwalds answers it. It's Kyle.)
Kyle: Uh, hi! Is, uh! Is Rebecca home?!
Mrs. Coxwalds: Yes she is! (Pause)
Kyle: Uh! Can I talk to her?!
Mrs. Coxwalds: Oh! Well, I suppose so! Rebecca! This little boy wants to see you! (Rebecca comes to the door.)
Rebecca: Hello! (long pause)
Kyle: Uh! Hi!
Rebecca: Hello!
Kyle: Uh! I was...just uh...well! That's all! (leaves. The Coxwalds close the door.)
Mr. Coxwalds: Who was that?!
Mrs. Coxwalds: A little boy wanted to see Rebecca!
Mr. Coxwalds: Oh, no! I told you the spelling bee was a bad idea!
Mrs. Coxwalds: But, the children won and they were happy to meet the other children!
Mr. Coxwalds: Yes, but now, I think we may have opened a Pandora's Box that we can't close!
(Cut to Classroom.)
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children! We have a new student joining us today from homeschool! Now, his parents are very worried about his safety, so please don't be too cruel to him! Mark! (Mark enters inside a huge plastic bubble or hamster ball! Mark bumps into Craig's desk.)
Mark: Hey, guys! What's up?!
Cartman: Dude! What's wrong with you?! You have some kinda John Travolta disease?!
Mr. Garrison: Alright, children! Let's just try to pretend there isn't a little boy in a huge plastic hamster ball here and go on with our studies! Now, who can tell me when Columbus sailed the seas and discovered America?! (Mark and Cartman raise their hands.)
Mark: Uh! Uh! Uh!
Cartman: Uh! Uh! Uh!
Mr. Garrison: Yes, Mark!
Cartman: Hey, how come you never pick me!
Mr. Garrison: Because you never know the right answer, butt-for-brains! Yes, Mark!
Mark: The answer is 1492! However, the Americas had already been discovered by many before him, including the Vikings and the Native Americans! And therefore, your questions is a sharad!
Cartman: Aw, see?! That's what I was gonna say!
Mr. Garrison: Well, very impressive, Mark! You should be able to throw the grading curve and flunk all these little bastards! (Everybody looks at Mark angrily.)
Stan: Oh, God! This kid's not gonna last about five seconds out on the playground!
Mr. Garrison: Now, who can tell me what country Columbus was from?! (Mark and Cartman raise their hands. To Cartman.) Put your hand down, cream-puff!
Cartman: That does it! (walks to the door.) I do not need to sit here and be ridiculed! I'm gonna go be homeschooled from now on!
Stan: You don't wanna be homeschooled, fatass!
Cartman: I'm gonna be homeschooled and leave all the pain and suffering of public school behind me! Screw you guys! I'm-a gonna be homeschooled!
(leaves.)
Mr. Garrison: Oh please, God! Let it be forever!
(Cut to School Playground. The kids are going out for recess.)
Everyone: Yaaaaaaaa! (Everyone is playing while Mark is rolling around in his hamster ball. Stan and Pip are in another part of the playground.)
Stan: C'mon, Pip! Say it! Say "Please hit me!"!
Pip: But, if I say that, you'll hit me!
Stan: No! I'm gonna hit you if you DON'T say it! If you say "Please hit me!", I won't hit you!
Pip: Please hit me!
Stan: Alright! (Hits Pip.)
Pip: OW!
Stan: Alright! Let's try this again, Pip! (Mark rolls in.)
Mark: I don't understand! You seem to like that boy, yet hate him at the same time! (Craig and Butters enter.)
Craig: Hey, kid! Get out of that hamster ball!
Mark: Oh, I promised my father I wouldn't!
Stan: Oh, boy! Sorry, dude! You're on your own! (He and Pip leave.)
Butters: Ooee! You best do what he says, uh, homeschool kid! Why, this is our part of the playground! See?! And, uh uh, and, uh uh, and if you don't follow our rules, well, uh, well we're gonna duct tape ya to the bench!
Mark: You mean you would actually duct tape my entire body to a bench?! For what purpose?!
Craig: Just get out of the hamster ball or else you're gonna find out! (Mark get out of his hamster ball. All the kids gang up on him and tie him to the bench with some duct tape.) Have a nice second half of the day, nerdo!
Butters: Yeah! Why, why you shouldn't be such a smart 'n' all Mr. Know-it-all! (all the kids go inside leaving Mark tied to the bench.)
Mark: Oh, dear!
(Cut to Coxwalds' house. Mr. and Mrs. Coxwalds are pacing.)
Mr. Coxwalds: Oh, where could he be?! He should've been home from public school by now!
Mrs. Coxwalds: I'm sure he's alright!
Mr. Coxwalds: (hears a sound) That must be him! (Answers the door. They are both shocked to see what they see!)
Mrs. Coxwalds: Aaaaaaaaaaaa! (Mark is walking around still tied to his bench.)
Mr. Coxwalds: Oh, my God, son!
Mark: Hi, mom! Hi, dad!
Mr. Coxwalds: Mark, what've they done to you?!
Mark: Well, they duct taped me to a bench!
Mrs. Coxwalds: But, why?!
Mark: I don't know, mother! It didn't make any sense at all!
Mr. Coxwalds: Well, you see?! This is what happens at public schools!
Mark: But I want to go back tomorrow, papa!
Mrs. Coxwalds: What?!
Mark: Please! Just give me one more day! (goes upstairs.)
Mrs. Coxwalds: What do we do?!
Mr. Coxwalds: Well, if we're gonna let him go back, it looks like I need to have a little talk with those other boys' fathers!
(Cut to Rebecca's room. Rebecca is writing in her diary. She hears Kyle singing and playing a guitar from outside.)
Kyle: (Singing. From outside.) Everywhere I go, I'm thinking of you! Rebecca! I don't know what to do! Rebecca! (Rebecca goes to the window and looks outside at Kyle.) You're so nice, I'd like to get to know you better! So wha'd'you say we get together?! You really are quite good lookin'! Rebecca! You really are quite good lookin'! Rebecca! Rebecca! You're really quite good lookin'! You're a fox! (Rebecca leaves the window, comes back, and throws some money into Kyle's guitar case. Rebecca leaves the window again.)
(Cut to South Park Bar. Ned, Jimbo, Randy, and Gerald are having a beer when Mr. Coxwalds enters.)
Mr. Coxwalds: Ahem! Good evening, gentlemen! If I could have your attention for a few moments, my son Mark was beat-up in school today by your sons! I think it would be appropriate for you to talk with your sons and instruct them to no longer tease or bother my boy! Snf!
Randy: Uh look, mister...
Mr. Coxwalds: Coxwalds!
Randy: Mr. Coxwalds, we can't completely control what our kids do socially! That's --You Know!-- That's for them to figure out on their own!
Mr. Coxwalds: Well, obviously, they need to be coached a little better! Ehh! And furthermore, your son has been harassing my little girl! I would like you to tell him to stop!
Gerald: Hey! My son is just discovering love! Maybe your daughter is too! They, they need to know about that stuff!
Mr. Coxwalds: Oh, hello! My girl is eight years old! What does she need to know about love?!
Randy: Well, something! I mean, you can't just wait until she's a teenager and expect her to figure out everything all at once!
Mr. Coxwalds: I will not tell you how to raise your children and you will not tell me how to raise mine!
Jimbo: Uh, you want a beer or somethin', Cats-Wild?!
Mr. Coxwalds: No! I don't drink beer! I just like wine coolers!
Jimbo: You what?!
(Cut to South Park Bar. Later. Everyone is leaving except Mr. Coxwalds.)
Jimbo: See ya, Coxwalds! Thanks for stoppin' by!
Gerald: Yeah! See ya! (the door closes. the camera pans down to reveal Mr. Coxwalds tied to a bench.)
(Cut to School Cafeteria. Kenny, Kyle, and Stan are sitting together.)
Kyle: Can't even get her to understand! It's like she's from another planet!
Mark: (enters) Could I sit here with you?!
Stan: Oh, man! If you have to! (Mark sits with them.)
Principal: (On PA system) Attention, students! Don't forget that this friday night is the South Park Elementary Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance! We will have a very speacial band performing, so please come early!
Kyle: Hey! That's it! The dance! I can ask Rebecca to go to the dance!
Stan: Dude, what happened to you! You're a total wus now! Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Kenny: {Ha, ha! Yeah! A fuckin' wussy! Ha, ha!}
Mark: Why do you call Kyle names and laugh at him?! Is he not your friend?!
Stan: Yeah, dude! But guys just do that! We rip on each other and stuff!
Mark: I see! It's like you have to mark your territory as a boy! You have to socially find your place!
Kyle: What?! (The other group of boys approach.)
Craig: Enjoying your lunch, nerdo?!
Mark: Ah! Stick and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me!
Stan: Aw, dude! You don't say that!
Mark: Huh?!
Kids: Yeaaaah! (gang up on Mark and tie him to the bench again. they leave.)
Kyle: Boy! That kid's havin' a hard time adjusting to public school!
Stan: Yeah! I wonder how Cartman's doing with his homeschooling!
(Cut to Cartman's house. Cartman is in bed eating Cheezy Poofs and watching TV.)
Cartman: Ohhhh! Aw, seriously! (Stretches.) Yaaawn! Yes!
Mrs. Cartman: (Peeks through the door.) Hon, are you ready for some math problems?!
Cartman: Oh, not right this second, mother! Put them there by the door!
Mrs. Cartman: Oh, alright! (Puts the math book on his lampdesk by the door.)
Cartman: Mom!
Mrs. Cartman: Yes, hon!
Cartman: Could you turn up the heat just a little?!
Mrs. Cartman: Sure, hon! (Turns off Cartman's light and leaves.)
Cartman: (tiredly) Oh! Dude! Homeschooling rules! Yaaaaaay! (turns over and sleeps.)
(Cut to Coxwalds' house. Kyle enters and rings the doorbell. Rebecca answers.)
Rebecca: Oh, hello!
Kyle: Oh! Uh, Rebecca! There's this dance! See?! At the school! And, um...
Rebecca: Hey, would you like to come up to my room?!
Kyle: Huh?!
Rebecca: Would you like to come up to my room?!
Kyle: Uh, okay! (Rebecca grabs him) Ah! (they go upstairs. Pan to living room.)
Mr. Coxwalds: I'm sorry, son! There's nothing we can do to stop those bullies! We have to pull you out of public school!
Mark: Oh, papa! Can I at least go to the dance tomorrow?!
Mr. Coxwalds: Well, alright! You can go, but I'll be there to supervise!
Mark: Alright! (Start to leave.)
Mr. Coxwalds: Mark, where's your sister?!
Mark: She's upstairs playing doctor with that Kyle boy!
Mr. Coxwalds: Oh, alright!
Mr. and Mrs. Coxwalds: WHAT?!
(Pan upstairs.)
Mrs. Coxwalds: Rebecca! Aaah! Aaaah! Naaaah!
Mr. Coxwalds: Rebecca! Don't play these perverted games!
(They open Rebecca's door. Kyle is lying on the bed dressed in white sheets with his hat opened revealing his bald scalp. Rebecca is pretending to be a brain sergeon wearing a face cloth.)
Rebecca: I have to extrapate a lesion in his sereberal cortex or risk it in section to the synaptic responses!
Mr. Coxwalds: Uh, alright, Rebecca! But, it's time to start your homeschooling! Snf! Snf! (He and Mrs. Coxwalds leave)
Kyle: Rebecca, there's this dance, see! The South Park Elementary Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance! And, uh, I was wondering, i-i-if you wanna go?!
Rebecca: Hmm! Alright! I guess I'll go!
Kyle: You will?!
Rebecca: I guess! Are you gonna go?! Maybe I'll see you there!
Kyle: No, no! I mean...go with me!
Rebecca: Oh, I'm sure father will give me a ride! (steps away from the camera. Kyle hits his head against the large chair.)
(Cut to Cartman's house. Cartman is still in bed.)
Cartman: (Stretches) Oh, yaaaawn! Aahhhhh, seriously!
Mrs. Cartman: Eric, I got you a new history text book! Why don't you come downstairs!
Cartman: Oohh! Not right now, mom! Ehhhh!
Mrs. Cartman: Eric, please! We have to do some studying today!
Cartman: I am studying, mom! I'm learning with the fonics monkey!
Fonics Monkey: (in the same room. playing with a Snaky Cakes box.) Oo, oo, ah, ah! Ah, ah! Oo, oo, oo! (Mrs. Cartman leaves.)
Cartman: Ooh! Oh! (Kenny and Stan enter.)
Stan: Hey, fatass, how's homeschooling going?!
Cartman: Oh, it's so sweet, y'guys!
Stan: Well, get your ass out of bed! We have to go deal with that homeschool kid!
Cartman: Sigh! I can't! I'm too tired! Maybe tomorrow!
Kenny: (walks up to the Fonics Monkey. Trys to get the box of Snaky Cakes.) {Hey, can I have that?!}
Fonics Monkey: (Stops Kenny.) Ack!
Kenny: {Ooh!}
Fonics Monkey: Ack, ack!
Stan: But, the big dance is tomorrow and all the guys are gonna duct tape him to a flagpole!
Cartman: That sounds cool! Maybe I'll go to that!
(Fonics Monkey punches Kenny against the wall.)
Kenny: {Woah!}
Fonics Monkey: (Starts beating the crap out of Kenny) Oo, oo, oo, oo, oo, oo!
Kenny: {Ow! Oh!}
Cartman: No, Fonics Monkey!
Fonics Monkey: (Continues beating the crap out of Kenny) Oo, oo, oo, oo, oo, oo!
Kenny: {Ow! Oh!}
Cartman: No, Fonics Monkey! That's a bad Fonics Monkey!
(Finally, Kenny is beaten up until he's dead.)
Stan: Oh, my God! Fonics Monkey killed Kenny!
Cartman: You're damned straight, he did!
(Cut to Outside of Coxwalds' house. Kyle is standing and Rebecca comes outside to meet him.)
Kyle: You got my note?!
Rebecca: Of course! You taped it to my dog! How could I not see it?!
Kyle: Uh, can we sit down?!
Rebecca: Why not!? (they go to the flower garden. She picks a flower.) Isn't papa's garden beautiful?! He works so hard on it!
Kyle: Rebecca, don't you ever look at the town?! At that flicker of light over there?!
Rebecca: I have looked at it!
Kyle: Well, that's a public school! And in it, there are children just like us!
Rebecca: How can children go to school on a flicker of light?!
Kyle: From public school, your house is just a flicker of light! (They sit down) Don't you want to go out?! All you do is stay in your house and study!
Rebecca: What else would one do?!
Kyle: Love, for one thing!
Rebecca: And, what is love?!
Kyle: Love is the most important thing on earth! When boys and girls feel love, they kiss!
Rebecca: What means kiss?!
Kyle: When a man and a woman feel love, they put there lips together!
Rebecca: Oh, you mean a mate?! When it is time to increase the heard my provider will select one for me!
Kyle: Rebecca, in public school, we select our own mate! In public school, men and women get together! Make each other happy!
Rebecca: You certainly come from a silly place! Still, I should like to try this kiss! So I could write about it! How do we do it?!
Kyle: I'm not completely sure!
Rebecca: Should we look it up?!
Kyle: No, I think it's just something you have to try a few times until you get it right!
Rebecca: (the pucker) Mmmmm! (they kiss) Wow! Wow! That was fun!
Kyle: That... (They kiss some more.) Does that mean you'll go to the dance?
Rebecca: You bet your sweet ass I will!
(Cut to School. The day before the dance. There is a banner on the school reading "Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance Tonight!". Outside. Kids are gathered around the flagpole.)
Craig: Alright! Here's the plan! Tomorrow night at the dance, when none of the chaparones are looking, you guys go grab Mark, bring him out here, and then, we're gonna duct tape him to this flagpole!
Stan: Are you sure?! He could be out here all night on the flagpole!
Craig: That's the point, butt-pipe!
Stan: Don't call me a butt-pipe, butt-pipe!
Butters: W-well, c'mon! We gotta go buy us some more duct tape!
Kids: Hooray!
Dark-Brown Haired Kid: Hooray! (they all leave. All the grown-ups enter.)
Jimbo: Alright! Here's the plan! All we gotta do is volunteer to chaparone the dance tomorrow!
Randy: Why do we wanna all chaparone the dance?!
Jimbo: Because, Coxwalds is gonna be there! And when he shows up, we all grab him, bring him out here, and duct tape him to the flagpole!
Gerald: The flagpole! That's great!
Jimbo: C'mon! We gotta buy more duct tape!
Everyone: Alright! (They all leave.)
(Cut to School. The dance is in the gym. There is a stage with speakers and all the kids are around the rest of the gym meeting their partners. Butters, Cartman, Craig, and Stan meet up with Kyle.)
Stan: Dude, we're gonna go duct tape that Mark kid to the bleachers! You wanna help?!
Kyle: I can't! I have to wait for Rebecca to show up!
Stan: Oh, brother!
Kyle: Don't you "Oh, brother!" me! She's the woman of my dreams!
Stan: You suck now, Kyle! (He, Butters, Cartman, and Craig leave.)
Kyle: You suck!
(Principal takes the stage.)
Principal: Boys and girls, can I have your attention please! This year, we have a very special guest performing the South Park Elementary Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance! He was a musical force in the seventies and eighties! Please welcome Ronnie James Dio! (DIO take the stage.)
Ronnie James Dio: Are you ready rock, boys and girls?! (pause) I said are you ready to rock?! (pause)
Butters: Uh, uh! Sure! Uh, I guess!
Ronnie James Dio: Then let's hit it! (The band starts playing their song "Holy Diver".) I know you all remember this one! It's off my first solo album! The song that you all helped make number one! (sings) Holy Diver! You've been down too long in the midnight sea! Oh, what's becoming of me?!
Craig: (Finds Mark) Hey! There he is! There's the homeschool kid! (Mark enters where Kyle is still waiting for Rebecca.) C'mon! Let's go duct tape him to the flagpole!
Butters: (Sees Rebecca.) He-ey! Isn't that the homeschool kid's sister?!
Rebecca: (Approaches. She is dressed like a whore.) Hi, guys! (Kisses Butters)
Butters: Wh-holy cow! (Kyle and mark are stunned.)
Rebecca: (Approaches the Black Kid.) Hey, baby! Come come see me later! 'kay!? (Slaps the Black Kid's ass.)
Black Kid: What the...?! Damn, baby!
Rebecca: (Approaches Kyle.) Hey, Kyle! Wanna go make out?!
Kyle: Rebecca! You...
Mark: Rebecca! What the devil are you doing?!
Rebecca: I'm having fun, Mark! (Pip walks by. She kisses Pip.) Mmmmmma!
Pip: Oh, goodness!
Mark: You're out of control! (Points at Kyle) You did this to my sister!
Kyle: Uh, all I did was show her how to...
Mark: You made my sister into a slut! I'll kill you! (Runs toward Kyle)
Kyle: Aaaah! (Mark pins him and starts beating the shit out of him. Mark pushes him and pins him again.) Aaaah!
Mark: You bitch! I'm gonna whoop your bitch ass! (Continues to kick Kyle's ass.)
Craig: Oh, my God!
Stan: Dude, he's kicking the crap out of Kyle!
Butters: Yeah! He's a badass!
Randy: (Approaches) Alright! Alright! That's enough, boys! (Separates Kyle from Mark.)
Mark: I'm not through with you, bitch!
Stan: Hey, your pretty cool, Mark!
Butter: Y-yeah! That, that was real badass that you stood up for your sister! I'd've kicked Kyle's bitch ass too!
Stan: You wanna go have some cake with me, Mark?!
Craig: No! He's my friend! (pulls Mark's right hand)
Butters: He, he said he'd hang out with me! (Pulls Mark's left hand. Mark smiles now that he has cured his social problems. Mr. and Mrs. Coxwalds enter through the door.)
Mr. Coxwalds: ...got to be here somewhere!
Jimbo: Hey! There's Coxwalds! C'mon! Let's duct tape him to the flagpole!
Grown-ups: Yeaaah! (They go after Mr. Coxwalds)
Mr. Coxwalds: (Unplugs the music.) Where're my children?! I'm taking them out of this God forsaken place!
Mark: (Takes the stage.) Calm down, papa! Everything is alright! You see, I've learned something today! Public schools may be a bit lacking in education, but it's the main place where children learn all of their social skills! You can't teach a child social skills! They have to learn them themselves! And the only place to do that is on the playground, in the cafeteria, and so on! Don't you see, papa?! That's what happened to your daughter! You tried so hard to keep her from anything sexual, and now look at her! She's a goddam whore, papa!
Butters: Well, she sure is!
Mark: I know letting your kids out
into the world is scary! I know you wish nothing bad would ever happen
to us! But bad things will happen, and we have to start learning now how
to deal with those things!
Mr. Coxwalds: Mark, you're absolutely right! (Mark smiles.) Okay, children! If it's what you want, you can start going to public school!
Kids: Alright!
(Rebecca kisses Kyle.)
Stan: Nice speech, nerdo!
Mark: Thanks, gaywad!
Cartman: Now you're gettin' it!
Jimbo: Well, c'mon, guys! If I'm not mistaken, we still have someone to duct tape to the flagpole!
Grown-ups: Hooray! (They approach Mr. Coxwalds.)
Mr. Coxwalds: What?! (The Grown-ups cary him out.)
Mark: See ya, papa!
Ronnie James Dio: Well, I'm glad we all learned something today, kids! Now let's dance! (DIO play their song again! Sings.) Holy diver! You've been out too long in the midnight sea! Oh, what's becoming of me?! (pan outside. Mr. Coxwalds is duct taped to the flag pole. closing credits.) Ride the tiger! You can see his stripes, but you know he's clean! Oh, don't you see what I mean?! Gotta get away! Holy Diver! Yeah!