Transcribed by Lee Estall(lee.estall@home.com)
(Open to Shop Class. Richard Adler is the Shop Class Teacher)
Mr. Adler: This is shop class! My name is Mr. Adler! For the next week, rather than your normal school work, you will be learning how to make things! Now, does anybody know why you are in shop class?! (Stan raises his hand) Yes!
Stan: Because we had to choose between this and Home Ec and we didn't want to be sissies?
Mr. Adler: Wrong! You are here, becasue you are America's future! You may someday be doctors or lawyers or scientists! Most of you however will be pumping gas or cutting sheet metal! And that's why we have shop class!
Cartman: Ooooh!
Mr. Adler: Now, let me make one thing crystal clear! I don't like kids that screw around! You screw around in shop class, you could loose a hand or an arm! I have a...I have a... (looks at a picture of his deceased girlfriend) I have a...
Kyle: Mr. Adler?!
Mr. Adler: Huh?! Oh! Uh, I was just saying that I want to know who's the biggest troublemaker in your class!
Stan: Tweek is!
Tweek: Aarg! No I'm not!
Kyle: Yeah you are, Tweek! You always get in trouble!
Tweek: Aarg!
Cartman: Uh, hello! Excuse me, but Craig is the biggest troublemaker in our class!
Mr. Adler: That true, Craig? You a troublemaker?
Craig: No!
Mr. Adler: Well, you better not be, because in shop class y... (Craig flips him off) Hey! Did you just flip me off?!
Craig: No!
Mr. Adler: Yes you did!
Cartman: Told ya!
Kyle: Dude, shop class sucks! Maybe we should've taken home ec!
Stan: No way, dude! Home ec is for girls!
(Cut to Home Ec Class)
Home Ec Teacher: Welcome to Home Ec! For the next week, you will be learning how to bake, sew, clean, and make things that are lacey and pretty!
Kenny: {Whoopie!}
Home Ec Teacher: (Wendy raises her hand) Yes, Wendy!
Wendy: I requested to be in shop class, but they sent me here!
Home Ec Teacher: That's right, Wendy! You see, some of you girls will go on to have interesting jobs and careers, but all of you pretty ones won't have to worry about that, because you can marry a nice man, and that's why we have Home Ec!
Kenny: {Whoopie!}
(Cut to Shop Class. The kids are using an electric buzz saw)
Cartman: Wonder why Kenny didn't wanna take shop class! (Cuts two pieces of wood. BUZZ BUZZ)
Stan: I don't know! He's such a wus!
Mr. Adler: (passing by) Hey! Don't screw around! You screw around too much!
Cartman: You know, y'guys were totally wrong about Tweek! Craig is way worse than he is!
Stan: No he's not, dude! Craig is a wus!
Cartman: Dude, if Craig and Tweek got in a fight, Craig would kick Tweek's ass!
Kyle: You wanna bet?
Cartman: Yeah, I'll bet!
Stan: How much?
Cartman: Five bucks!
Stan: You're on!
(Tweek is in another area of the shop and he turns on an electric sander)
Tweek: Aaah!
(Stan and Kyle approach Tweek)
Stan: Hey, Tweek!
Tweek: Dyuraah!
Stan: Dude, Craig chooses you! He wants to fight!
Tweek: He does?!
Stan: Yeah! He's all pissed off at you, so will you fight him?
Tweek: Why?!
Kyle: Dude, because you have to stand up for yourself! So will you fight him?
Tweek: (looks at Craig) Aag! He doesn't look like he wants to fight me!
(Craig is in another area of the shop looking in a box of wood. Cartman approaches Craig)
Cartman: Craig, can I talk to you real quick? (Craig flips him off) Eh, just a second! Jus...jus. Craig, I'm not normally want to get involved in this kind of thing, but, well I was just standing over by Tweek and he called you a big poop eater!
Craig: He did?!
Cartman: Yes! He said you eat poop and it makes your breath smell like poop and that... well... you like it!
Craig: Why would he say that?!
Cartman: I don't know, Craig! I don't know! But, now he's over there telling everybody that you're a poop eater and he chooses you!
Craig: (getting angry and heading towards Tweek) Well, I gotta go over there and...!
Cartman: No! (stops Craig) No, Craig! Y-you can't fight him here! Mr. Adler will just break it up! Tell ya what! I'll go tell him that you accept his challenge and set it up for after school instead!
Craig: Okay! (flips Tweek off)
Kyle: There! You see? He just flipped you off!
Tweek: Arg! What a jerk!
Stan: He's really got it out for you, dude!
Tweek: Why! Wha'did I do?!
Kyle: So, do you agree to fight him after school?
Tweek: I guess so!
Stan: Super! See ya there! (Stan and Kyle leave Tweek)
(Move to Mr. Adler's desk. He looks at the picture of his girlfriend which we will call Elizabeth. Mr. Adler goes into a daydream about her.)
Elizabth: (in flashback. Outside) Catch me, Richard! Hahahahahahaha! He, Ha! He, Ha! I'm so in love with you, Richard! (Kitchen) I made you some cookies, Richard! (Smells them. Christmas time) Merry Christmas, Richard! (Outside) Hahahahahahaha! Oh, Richard! Say we will be this happy forever! (Airplane Cockpit) Aaaaaahhhhhhhh! (blood in her face! In the ocean. Drowing) Riii*glug*chaaard*glug*!
Mr. Adler: (Back to reality) Whoah! Oh! (takes out some Nicotine Gum and chews) Oh, why?! Why?! (Chews on some more Nic Gum)
Stan: Mr. Adler! Mr. Adler!
Mr. Adler: H-h-huh! S-stop screwing around!
Stan: The bell rang! Can we go?
Mr. Adler: Whoa! Uh well, sure! Uh, class dismissed!
Stan: C'mon, you guys! (all the kids exit)
(Cut to school playground)
Stan: This is gonna be sweet, dude!
Cartman: You guys are so wrong about Tweek! He's gonna get his ass kicked!
Kyle: We'll see!
Cartman: Why don't we just raise our bets to TEN dollars?!
Stan: You're on, fatass!
(Kenny enters)
Cartman: Well, well, well! Look who's here! Our little home economics friend, Kenny!
Kenny: {Hi, you guys! What's going on?}
Stan: How come you wanna take home ec, Kenny?!
Kyle: Yeah! That's not cool, dude!
(the Girls pass by)
Bebe: Bye, Kenny! See ya tomorrow!
Curly Blond Girl: Bye, Kenny!
Kenny: {Bye, ladies!}
(The Boys enter)
Clyde: Hey, what's going on?!
Kyle: Tweak and Craig are gonna fight!
Clyde: Really?! Cool! (Pause) It's funny, 'cause Tweek and Craig both went home about fifteen minutes ago!
Kyle: What?!
Black Kid: Yeah! They left!
Stan: Aw! Hell!
Cartman: Those sons of bitches!
Clyde: I guess they don't wanna fight!
Kyle: Ah, they wanna fight! They just don't know it yet! (He, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny leave)
(Cut to Tweek's house. Outside. Stan and Kyle enter. Stan rings the doorbell)
Stan: Tweek!
Kyle: Tweek!
Tweek: (Opens upstairs window) Aarg! Wha'd'ya guys want?!
Stan: How come you didn't show up to the fight, Tweek?!
Tweek: Craig and I have no reason to fight each other!
Kyle: Well, Craig showed up!
Tweek: He did?!
Stan: Yeah! He was standing there waiting for you and he was all like "Man! Tweek's a wus!" and we were all like "No he's not, Craig!" and he was all like "Yeah he is! He isn't showing up! He's a wus and he has crooked teeth!".
Tweek: I don't have crooked teeth!
Kyle: And then, Craig was all like "Tweek is scared of me! He's a big chicken" and he started doing an impersonation of you being a chicken. (flaps his arms) So everybody in the world saw it!
Tweek: Everyone in the world?! Aarg! (goes back inside)
Stan: Yeah! It was weak!
Tweek: (from inside) I'm not a chicken!
Kyle: Well, everyone in the world thinks you are! See ya, Tweek!
Tweek: (comes back out) Wait! I'll fight!
Stan: Tomorrow?!
Tweek: Okay!
(Cut to Craig's house. Outside. Cartman and Kenny enter. Cartman knocks. Craig answers the door.)
Cartman: Craig, what the hell are you doing home?! You're supposed to be out fighting Tweek!
Craig: Red Racer's on!
Cartman: Craig, you can watch Red Racer any day of the week!
Craig: I do watch Red Racer every day of the week!
Cartman: Well, that's fine! I guess you don't care about what Tweek said about your mom!
Craig: Nope! (shuts the door)
Cartman: Aah! Goddammit! (knocks again and Craig answers) Oh! I guess you don't care about what Tweek said about your guinea pig!
Craig: What?! What did he say about Strype?!
Cartman: Oh, nothing except that you stick it up your ass before you go to bed!
Craig: That son of a bitch! I'll kill him!
Cartman: Yeah, I'd be pissed too! So maybe we should re-schedule the fight for tomorrow!
Craig: After Red Racer!
Cartman: After Red Racer, of course!
(Cut to Tweek's Kitchen. The Tweeks are eating supper.)
Mr. Tweek: How was school today, son?
Tweek: Arg!
Mr. Tweek: That's great!
Tweek: Dad! If some kid at school wants to fight me, what should I do?!
Mr. Tweek: Son, let me tell you a little story about when your mother and I first met! You see, a long time ago, there were a lot of guys who were after your mother! And she used to be very attractive!
Mrs. Tweek: It's true! I was!
Mr. Tweek: Well, when I started courting your mother, there was this big muscular football player named Quid who didn't take too kindly to me! He wanted your mother all to himself! And so one day, he challenged me to a fight!
(they go back to eating)
Tweek: Well!
Mrs. Tweek: Well what, honey?
Tweek: Ngh! What happened?!
Mr. Tweek: Oh! I-I don't know! He moved away or something!
Mrs. Tweek: Yes, I think that's right!
Tweek: Aaarg! You guys never help me! (bangs his head on the table) Your stories never go anywhere! I hate it! I want out! I want out!
(Cut to Craig's Kitchen. Craig's family is having dinner)
Craig: Dad! I'm supposed to get in a fight tomorrow!
Craig's Dad: With who?
Craig: Some kid!
Craig's Dad: Oh!
Craig's Mom: Don't just "Oh!" him, Thomas!
Craig: Yeah! Don't just "Oh!" me!
Craig's Dad: I'll "Oh!" whoever I want!
(Craig's Mom flips off. Craig's Dad flips off. Craigs Little Sister flips off. And Craig flips off three times.)
(Cut to Mr. Adler's Place. Mr. Adler and the Home Ec Teacher enter the house.)
Mr. Adler: Well, that was fun, Pearl! Se ya later!
Home Ec Teacher: Richard, aren't you going to invite me in?
Mr. Adler: Why?
Home Ec Teacher: Well, I thought maybe you would at least attempt to make love to me tonight!
Mr. Adler: Oh! Well I...I can't! I-I left the oven on!
Home Ec Teacher: Oh, Richard! Why can't you open your heart to me? Why?!
Mr. Adler: Because I can't! Oh, I know! I have genetal warts!
Home Ec Teacher: We'll use plastic wrap!
Mr. Adler: Nope! Sorry! Maybe some other time! (closes the door on the Home Ec Teacher. Looks at Elizabeth's picture and goes back to memories.)
Elizabeth: (in flashback. Outside on swing) Swing me, Richard! Swing me higher! I wanna touch the sky, Richard! (Gazebo) Richard, I'm here! Just now! (Presenting her a ring) Oh, Richard, it's beautiful! Yes! (echos of "Yes!". insider her house on the phone) But you have to come see me glide tomorrow, Richard! I have a surprise for you. (runway infront of her plane) Don't worry, Richard! I'm a pilot! It's what I do! (Airplane Cockpit) Aaaaaahhhhhhhh! (blood in her face! In the ocean. Drowing) Riii*glug*chaaard*glug*! (Funeral. Sitting up from her coffin) Riichaard!
Mr. Adler: (back in reality) Boooh! Mu! Oh! (Reaches for his nic gum and chews some) Oh, now! What am I gonna do! (Chews more gum)
(Cut to School Cafeteria. Banner reading "Tweek VS. Craig". the students meet)
Stan: Okay! So, just to set the records straight here, the fight will be happening out by the tetherball pole at 3:30. Tweek just weighed in at 48 pounds, Craig at 45!
Clyde: (raising his hand) Uh, how long do you expect the fight to last?
Craig: Uh...
Cartman: (Covering Craigs mouth) However long Craig wants it to last!
Everyone: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Cartman: Ha, he! Ma-Make no mistake! Craig has been ready for this fight since day one! He doesn't even view it as a challenge!
Kyle: He'll view it as a challenge when he's getting his ass kicked!
Cartman: Huh, did you hear that? It sounds like diarreah comming out of someone's mouth or something!
Kyle: Shut up, fatass!
Cartman: Don't call me fat, you son of a bitch! (he and Kyle fight. They shout stuff at each other such as the following:)
Kyle: You big piece of crap!
(Stan and Kenny join in the fight. All four scamps are fighting. Tweek and Craig just sit there.)
Clyde: Wow! Tweek and Craig really hate each other, huh! This will be a good fight.
(Cut to Home Ec Class)
Home Ec Teacher: On your first day, look at the man's shoes! Sometimes you can tell how much money a man has just by his shoes! (girls and Kenny take notes) When he takes you out to dinner, try to sneak a peek at his wallet while he pays for you. If he only has one credit card, beware! It means he doesn't spend a lot, and worse yet, it could be a debit card! If he has more than four credit cards, that's a little fishy! The perfect number of credit cards for a man to have is two! (Bebe raises her hand) Yes, Bebe!
Bebe: What if we meet a guy who wants to be a doctor or lawyer, but is still getting his degree?
Home Ec Teacher: Dump that zero and get yourself a hero! He could be earning that degree all his life while you starve to death with two dying babies sucking at your teats! (girls and Kenny stare at her and take notes)
(Cut to Shop Class)
Cartman: When I have you guys' ten bucks, I'm gonna use it to buy the sweetest big-screen TV in the world!
Kyle: That's more than ten bucks, you stupid fatass!
Cartman: Well, if I get ten bucks from each of you, that's like two thousand dollars!
Mr. Adler: Hey! Quit screwing around back there! You're horsing!
Elizabeth: (in Mr. Adler's mind) Riichaard! (Mr. Adler whistles) Richard! (few other voices whisper. Mr. Adler takes out Elizabeth's picture. Back to flashback. Outside) Swing me, Richard! Swing me higher! (Gazebo) Richard, I'm here! (Presenting the ring) Oh, Richard, It's beautiful! Yes! (on the phone) But you have to come see me glide tomorrow, Richard! I have a surprise for you. (runway infront of her plane) Don't worry, Richard! I'm a pilot! (shows plane flying. Cockpit. Shouting down) It's all for you (plane malfunctions and explodes. Cockpit) Aaaaaahhhhhhhh! (blood in her face! Plane lands in ocean. Drowing) Riii*glug*chaaard*glug*!
Clyde: Mr. Adler! MR. ADLER!
Mr. Adler: (back in reality) Huh?! Uh, what!
Clyde: Tommy stuck his face in the belt sander! (Tommy enters. Tommy has no face!)
Mr. Adler: The belt sander?! Tommy, I told you not to screw around with the belt sander! didn't I?! (Tommy says nothing) Well, go on! Go see the nurse! She'll give you some peroxide! (Tommy exits)
Clyde: What's that?! (points to the picture)
Mr. Adler: Huh?! Oh, this is a woman that I knew a long time ago!
Clyde: What?! She died or something?!
Mr. Adler: What!? Hey! Go on! You're screwing around in here! (Clyde exits)
(Cut to School Playground. Kids from Tweek's group are gathered around)
Clyde: Oh, boy! Here we go!
Wendy: (joins the crowd) What's happening?!
Kyle: Tweek's gonna fight Craig!
Wendy: Oh, cool!
(Craig's group arives)
Stan: (to Tweek) Stay pissed, Tweek! Stay Pissed! (Both groups meet) Alright! Here we go!
Kyle: Time for you to get proven wrong, fatboy!
Cartman: You're gonna be eating those words, asshole!
Kyle: No, I won't, becasue you'd eat them first, tubby!
(Craig and Tweek stand face to face. They stand still.)
Stan: Well?!
(They stand still)
Cartman: Come on!
(They stand still)
Wendy: Yeah! If you're gonna do it, do it!
(They stand still)
Craig: Wha'do we do?
Stan: Huh!?
Craig: Wha'do you mean, wha'do you do? Just fight each other!
Tweek: How?!
Kyle: How?!
Craig: I've never been in a fight before!
Tweek: Me neither!
Everyone: Aaaw!
Stan: Aw, dude! Come on!
Cartman: You just hit each other! Smack each other around!
(Craig gives one slap to Tweek's face)
Kyle: Ah! Well, not like that!
Tweek: Like what, then!
Stan: Alright, alright! Screw this! We have to postpone the fight so Tweek and Craig can learn how to fight!
Everyone: Aaaw!
Clyde: All that build-up for nothing!
Wendy: Yeah, Christ! I could've been home by now!
Stan: Alright, Tweek! We'll teach you how to fight, and Cartman, you teach Craig!
Cartman: Well, I don't think that's very fair! If I teach Craig, he's gonna really kill Tweek!
Stan: Oh, yeah?! Well, I'm gonna have my Uncle Jimbo teach Tweek how to box!
Cartman: Eeeeww! Boxing's scary y'guys! I'm gonna have Craig learn martial arts!
Stan: Fine! We'll see you back here tommorrow!
Cartman: Fine!
Kyle: Fine!
Cartman: Fine! That's fine!
(Cut to Big's Gym)
Jimbo: Alrighty, Tweek! My little nephew Stanley has asked me to teach you the fine points of boxing!
Tweek: Arg!
Jimbo: You're in luck! Ned here used to be the state champion until a granade blew his arm off!
Ned: Mmmmm...I can still kick ass!
Jimbo: Now, Tweek! Boxing is a man's sport! There's nothing in the world more man than Boxing. It is man at his most man! So when you spar with Ned here, just dig deep into that most man part of you!
Tweek: Waah!
Jimbo: Well, enough of the lectures! Let's get to boxing! (rings bell)
(Ned punches Tweek against the ropes)
Tweek: Eeh!
Ned: Mmmm... What'chyou got, beeatch?
Jimbo: Keep your guard up, Tweek!
(Ned punches Tweeks head twice and knocks him down)
Tweek: Ngeah!
Kyle: C'mon, Tweek! He's only got one arm!
Jimbo: Alright! Looks like we'll have to apply the Offendheimer Technique for Tweek here!
Ned: Mmmm... What'chyou got, beeatch?
Jimbo: Punch him in the balls, Tweek!
(Tweek punches Ned in the balls knocking Ned down)
Ned: Ehhnahhna!
Jimbo: Atta boy! Now, quick! Hit him again while he's down!
(Tweek does so a couple of times)
Ned: Ah! Ahah! ah! Ow!
Jimbo: Good! Now, kick his balls!
(Tweek does so)
Ned: Ngyowww! Ngyowww! Ngyowww! Ngyowww! (coughs up blood)
Jimbo: There! See?! You got him coughing up blood!
Stan and Kyle: Hooray!
Tweek: Aaaarg!
Jimbo: Now, that's boxing!
(Cut to Nishimura School of Martial Arts)
Martial Arts Instructor: (to Craig) Your friend has brought you to learn the ancient art of Sumo! You must learn dicipline and respect! (Craig flips him off) In Sumo, your body must be like a stone, and your mind like meatloaf!
Craig: Meatloaf?!
Martial Arts Instructor: The object is simply to push opponent out of circle! Is opponent ready?!
Cartman: (offscreen) I'm ready! (enters dressed as a Sumo Wrestler) God! I like this hair thing! This is cool! (powders himself and enters the ring with Craig)
Martial Arts Instructor: Let us begin! (Cartman, on his side, stomps his feet) Ready!? And begin!
Cartman: Respect my authoritah! (he and Craig start pushing on each other)
Martial Arts Instructor: Body like stone! Mind like meatloaf!
Cartman: Oh! C'mon, you! (turns around and pushes Craig with his ass) C'mon!
Craig: Oh, Jesus! I can't take it! Aaah!
Martial Arts Instructor: Fight back! Resist the ass!
Craig: How can I resist it?! Ass so great!
Martial Arts Instructor: It is only an ass! You must overcome the ass with your mind!
Craig: This ass is not like any I've encountered, master! (gets pushed out of the ring and against the wall)
Cartman: I win!
Martial Arts Instructor: There is indeed great power in your ass, Eric! Perhaps you should concider Sumo as a profession!
Cartman: Hey, maybe! (stomps his feet)
(Cut to Mr. Adler's Bedroom. He is sleeping)
Mr. Adler: (in his sleep) No! No! Make it stop!
Elizabeth: (in his dream. Outside) Oh, Richard! Say we'll be this happy forever! (on the phone) But you have to come see me glide tomorrow, Richard! I have a surprise for you. (runway infront of her plane) Don't worry, Richard! I'm a pilot! (plane flying. cockpit) Watch me, Richard! (The plane spells out "I love U Rich...". cockpit. the plane malfunctions. the plane explodes) Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhh! (cockpit. blood in her face!) Aaaaaaaahhh! (Plane spells out "I love U RichAAAGH!". The plane falls, explodes, and lands in the ocean. drowning) Riii*glug*chaaard*glug*!
Mr. Adler: (wakes up) Baaaah! I never got to say goodbye! (gets his pack of nic gum) I never got to say goodbye! (discovers that he's out of nic gum) Oh, no! Oh, no! Now what do I do! Boo hoo hoo! Boo hoo hoo!
(Cut to Home Ec Class)
Home Ec Teacher: Okay! That was very good, class! Now, let's try this one together! Honey, can I get a new wardrobe?
Girls and Kenny: Honey, can I get a new wardrobe?
Home Ec Teacher: Alright! Now, let's try this one together! Lisa Smith's husband just bought HER a new car!
Girls and Kenny: Lisa Smith's husband just bought HER a new car!
Home Ec Teacher: Good! Bebe, why don't you try this one! I think a trip to Hawaii would really improve our sex life!
Bebe: I think a trip to Hawaii would really improve our sex life!
Home Ec Teacher: Outstanding! Now, Kenny! How 'bout you try?! I can't make love to you until we get a king-size bed!
Kenny: (pouting) {I can't make love to you until we get a king-size bed!} (everybody looks at him)
Home Ec Teacher: Okay! Kenny, could I talk to you over here real quick?
Kenny: {'Scews Me!} (approaches Home Ec Teacher)
Home Ec Teacher: Kenny, I don't quite know how to tell you this, but I'm not sure Home Economics is right for you!
Kenny: {No!}
Home Ec Teacher: Well, your cooking is unsatisfactory, your sewing skills are below average, and frankly, I don't think the odds of you marrying a nice rich man in the future are very...well...good!
Kenny: {They're not?!}
Home Ec Teacher: No! I think you should concider transferring to shop class!
Kenny: {Shop Class?!} (He has visions of tools flying everywhere! He can probably forsee his death comming in this episode) {Oh, no!}
Home Ec Teacher: Now, now! Very few students are severely injured in shop class!
Kenny: {I DON'T WANNA GO TO SHOP CLASS!!!} (ties his hood)
(The Schoolbell Rings)
Bebe: C'mon! It's time for the fight!
Wendy: Yeah! (girls leave)
Home Ec Teacher: Fight?! Oh, no, no, no! Girls! Haven't I taught you anything?!
(Cut to School Playground. All the kids gather around)
Kids: Yaah! Yaah! Yaah! Yaah!
(Tweek and Craig are face to face)
Stan: Okay! The time has finally come!
Clyde: (selling programs) Programs! Get your programs here! Programs!
Kyle: Remember, Tweek! Punch hard, punch low!
Tweek: Aarg!
Kyle: This is when you gotta get mean, Tweek!
Tweek: Aah! Mean! Aah!
Cartman: The spirit of the dragon is in your hand! Hersherdeshurta. Hurlonghurta. Alright?!
Craig: Okay!
Cartman: Now, listen to me! Herterdeterter! Alright! I'm seriously! Herpangdepongtonqwa!
Craig: Okay! Okay!
(Tweek and Craig faceoff)
Tweek: (beating his boxing gloves together) Arg!
(Craig moves his head side to side)
Tweek: Guk! (Craig flips him off)
Stan: Y'ready, Tweek?! (Tweek nods) Y'ready, Craig?! Let's get it on!
Craig: Respect my authority!
(Tweek and Craig fight. Everybody cheers)
Stan and Kyle: C'mon, Tweek!
Cartman: C'mon, Craig!
(Cut to Shop Class)
Mr. Adler: (Writing a letter) To whom it may concern. I can no longer live without her! I could not say goodbye to her, and so now I must say goodbye to all of you! For I am all out of nicotine gum! Sincerely yours, Richard Adler. Shop Class. P.S. Don't screw around! You all screw around too much! (puts down pen. turns on the buzz saw and lays down feet first) Goodbye, cruel world! Jesus Christ! (Sits up. lays down HEAD first) What was I thinking?! That would've hurt like hell!
(Cut to School Playground. Tweek and Craig still fighting. Kids still cheering)
Stan: Yaah!
Cartman: Dahaldahaldahal! Kick Ass!
(Tweek and Craig rest for a while)
Kyle: Go, Tweek! Kick his ass!
Cartman: Yeah! C'mon, Craig!
Stan: C'mon, Tweek! You got him!
Kyle: Yeah! (Tweek and Craig are still resting) Whoa, Tweek! Did you hear that?!
Tweek: What?!
Kyle: Craig just called you a boner!
Tweek: Aaah! (hits Craig)
Craig: Ah!
(Tweek and Craig are fighting again)
Kyle: We just have to keep thowing gas in the fire!
Stan: Yeah!
(Cut to Shop Class. Mr. Adler is still upon the buzz saw getting closer to suicide. Kenny comes in.)
Mr. Adler: (in relief) Sigh!
Kenny: {Hey! This shop class?!}
Mr. Adler: What?! Who are you?! (Kenny gives him a note) Kenny McCormic has been transferred from Home Ec to Shop Class. Well, alright! Get some safety goggles and making a corner with the jigsaw over there! (Kenny leaves)
Mr. Adler: (in relief) Sigh!
(Cut to School Grounds where the Shop Class Portable is located. Tweek and Craig are still fighting. The fighters destroy a slide, but they continue to fight)
(Cut to Shop Class. Kenny is at the jigsaw making a corner. Mr. Adler is on the buzz saw near his death. Suddenly, Tweek and Craig burst in through a window still fighting.)
Mr. Adler: What the...! (stands up)
(The kids burst in through the door)
Stan: There they are!
Mr. Adler: Hey! What's going on?! (approaches the kids)
Stan: Tweek and Craig are fighting! We're just watching!
Mr. Adler: Well, why the hell don't you stop them?!
Cartman: (referring to Stan) He has ten bucks riding on it!
(Tweek and Craig continue to fight)
Mr. Adler: Stop screwing around! (Tweek and Craig continue. Kenny's stool gets knocked over and Kenny holds on to the edge of the running jigsaw.) Stop scrweing around! (Tweek and Craig knock a bunch of stuff over pushing forward Kenny's jigsaw) Kids! Hey! You're screwing around too much! (Kenny gets sliced in the jigsaw and flies into a box of nails! The fight stops here!)
Stan: Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
Kyle: You Bastards!
Mr. Adler: Oh, don't just stand there! Call an ambulance! (Picks up Kenny) You see?! You see what happens when you screw around in shop class?!
Kenny: Mnna, Fmmma!
Mr. Adler: What?! What's that, son?!
Elizabeth: (through Kenny) Riichaard!
Mr. Adler: Baaah! No! No! Please don't go! I need you! I can't live without you!
Elizabeth: (through Kenny) Richard! You have to move on! I want you to be happy!
Mr. Adler: But, I can't! I never got to say goodbye!
Elizabeth: (through Kenny) Then say it now, Richard!
Mr. Adler: Goodbye?
Elizabeth: (through Kenny) There! Now do you feel better?
Mr. Adler: No!
Elizabeth: (through Kenny) Of course, you don't! Saying goodbye doesn't mean anything! It's the time we spent together that really matters, not how we left it!
Mr. Adler: You...You're right! You're right!
Grandma Adler: (through Kenny) Richard, this is Grandma!
Mr. Adler: Grandma? Hi, Gram!
Grandma Adler: (through Kenny) You never said goodbye to me either!
Uncle Corey: (through Kenny) Hey, Richie! Remember me?!
Mr. Adler: Uncle Corey! Wow! You're all alive again!
Uncle Corey: (through Kenny) No, we're dead!
Elizabeth: (through Kenny) I love you, Richard! See you soon!
Mr. Adler: Thank you! Thank you for freeing me! I feel like now I can move on! Baby, I feel so much better! I feel so alive! Thank you, Baby! Thank you! (Caresses Kenny)
Stan: Dude! this is pretty fucked up right here!
(Cut to Hospital. Kids enter and meet Nurse)
Stan: Hi! We're here to visit our good friends, Tweek and Craig!
Nurse: Oh! Well I suppose a quick visit is okay! Maybe you kids can cheer them up!
(The go to Tweek and Craig's hospital room)
Stan: Hey, guys! How're you feeling?
Tweek: Ungh!
Craig: Ungh!
Stan: Well uh, we just came by because we had something to tell you!
Kyle: Yeah! See, we got you to fight just 'cause we wanted to see who was the toughest! We made up all that stuff we said to get you guys mad at each other!
(Craig flips off)
Cartman: Yes! You can flip us off, Craig! We deserve that! We just came came by to apologize! We feel so bad!
Kyle: Boy, do we ever!
Stan: So I guess we'll be going now! And we'll just live with the knowledge that you're both kinda sissies!
Tweek and Craig: WHAT!!!
Stan: Well, I mean, that's what was on the news!
Craig: What was on the new?!
Cartman: Oh! You didn't see it! Oh! Tweek's family was on the news saying what a wus you are, Craig!
Craig: Huh?!
Kyle: Yeah! And then Craig's family came on and said Tweek was the wus! And he punched Tweek's Mom in the hooters!
Tweek: Aahng! You son of a bitch!
(Tweek and Craig fight again! They knock over a bunch of hospital stuff)
Craig: I'm gonna kick your ass!
Stan: C'mon, Tweek! You got him!
Cartman: Hibosukitai! Hibosukitun! Hurishurtung!
(Closing Credits)