Cartman Joins NAMBLA
Transcribed by Lee Estall (lee.estall@home.com)
(Open to Kenny's Room. The four boys are playing a board-game that Cartman brought. There
is
a Bill Curtis Head on top of the game-board and the kids are holding cards)
Cartman: Okay, Stan! I'm gonna give you (hands Stan a card) a "UFO Crash
Landing" card! You
can deny it or cover it up!
Stan: Dude, I don't understand this game at all!
Cartman: It's "Investigative Reports with Bill Curtis Funtime Game"! You have to
decide if
you deny it or cover it up!
Stan: Uh, deny it?!
Cartman: Okay! Let's see what Bill Curtis says! (Presses the Bill Curtis Head down.)
Bill Curtis Head: Hello! I'm Bill Curtis! Many believe that the US Government covered it
up!
I'm Bill Curtis!
Kyle: Alright, Cartman! I'm gonna give you (hands Cartman a card) a "Jail-Time"
card! You
lose a turn!
Stan: Sweet!
Cartman: Oh yeah?! Well, I'm gonna give you (hands Kyle two cards) "AIDS"!
Kyle: What?!
Cartman: I just gave you AIDS!
Kyle: AIDS?!
Stan: Dude, that's not cool! Don't give Kyle AIDS!
Cartman: Kyle has AIDS and now loses fourty-seven turns and eight-hundred points!
(Mr. and Mrs. McKormic enter.)
Mrs. McKormic: Kenny, your Dad and I are thinking about havin' another baby! Wouldn't ya
like
to have another brother or sister?!
Kenny: {No!}
Mr. McKormic: We just might get workin' on it later today! (cuddling with his wife as the
both of them are getting excited.) He, he, he, he! (He and his wife leave.)
Cartman: Goddammit, poor people suck! (to Kenny) Your family is already on welfare and now
you're gonna bring another kid into the world! Poor people are turning-out babies adding
to
the over-population, and they're expecting ME to pay for it with MY TAX DOLLARS!
Stan: You don't pay tax dollars, Cartman! You're eight!
Cartman: (Pause) You see?! Ga', this is just what I've been talking about! I can't even
relate to y'guys anymore because you're too immature!
Kyle: What?!
Cartman: I gotta start hangin' out with friends that are a little more intelligent and
understand politics and stuff! It's just that I up on this level up here, (puts his hand
up
to the level of his eyes) and all my friends are down here! (puts his hand at belly
level.)
Kyle: You don't know what you're talking about, fatass!
Cartman: NO, NO, NO, NO! ME HNYA, (puts his hand up to the level of his eyes) Y'GUYS HNYA!
(puts his hand at belly level.) Maybe a little more down...down hnya! (puts his hand at
foot
level.) SCREW Y'GUYS! I'M GOIN' HOME! (leaves.)
Bill Curtis Head: I'm Bill Curtis!
(Cut to Cartman's house. Computer Room. Cartman is talking to Clyde Frog.)
Cartman: I've outgrown all my friends! I need to meet more mature people, Clyde Frog!
(looks
at Clyde Frog. Pause) Oh! Great idea, Clyde Frog! I could meet new friends on the
internet!
(turns on the computer and goes on the internet. There is a list of chatrooms: "Cat
People",
"Gleaming the Cube", "Joel Schumacher Must Die", Meat Lovers",
"Men Who Like Young Boys",
"Teen Steam", and "United Anarchists".) Here's a chat room! "Men
Who Like Young Boys"! That's
perfect! (clicks this and types his message under his user-name BigBoned.) "Hi,
everybody! I
am a young boy seeking an older male for good times. I am eight years old and would
love..."!
(some messages pop up.) Wow! Look at all these guys that wanna be my friends! I'll pick
Tony316! (clicks his window.) "Hi, Tony."! (Tony's message appears) "So
what R U into?"! "Oh!
You know! The usual stuff!"! Smiley face! (types a colon and an end-parenthesis. :)
Tony's
message appears.) "Kewl. Wanna get together?:)"! Smiley face! "Sure, Tony!
That would be
kewl!" Winking smiley face! (types a semicolon and and end parethesis. ;) Tony's
message
appears.) "Meet me at Mel's Buffet restaurant tomorrow morning."! "Sounds
good. See ya then!"
Clown hat, curly hair, smiley face! (Types a less-than symbol, an at symbol, a colon, and
an
end-parenthesis. <@:) ) You see that, Clyde Frog?! Tomorrow, I'm gonna meet my first
mature
friend!
(Cut to Mel's Buffet. Next Morning. Tony316 is sitting at a table drinking a coffee.
Cartman
approaches.)
Cartman: Hi! Are you Tony?!
Tony316: Yeah! You're Eric?!
Cartman: Yeah! (sits next to Tony316)
Tony316: I brought you some candy! (gives the candy to Cartman.)
Cartman: Wow! Cool!
Tony316: And some books on Kama Sutra! (gives the books to Cartman.)
Cartman: Neato! Having older friends kicks ass! You see, I've...I've really been having a
tough time! I've kinda matured faster than my other friends! We don't really relate
anymore!
(Tony reaches out and rubs Cartman's back.) And...and...uh, and all my friends seem so
childish now! You know?!
Tony316: Do you like having your back rubbed?!
Cartman: Eh, yeah! That feels really nice! Thanks!
(Two FBI agents burst in.)
FBI Agent #1: Hold it right there, scum bag! (to Tony316.)
Tony316: Huh?!
Cartman: Huh?!
FBI Agent #1: We monitored your little online chat! (puts the hand-cuffs on Tony.) Now
you're
comming with us!
Tony316: No! (The FBI agents drag him away.)
Cartman: What the hell just happened?!
(Cut to Kenny's house. Kenny is in bed groaning and turning over as visions of his mother
and
father are appearing to him in his dream.)
Mrs. McKormic: You can't keep Kenny! We have to save room for the baby!
Mr. McKormic: Your mom and I are goin' out for a few weeks, Kenny! Take care of the baby!
Mrs. McKormic: KENNY, YOU HAVE TO CHANGE THE BABY'S DIAPERS!
Mr. McKormic: YOU HAVE TO SHARE YOUR ROOM WITH THE BABY!
Mrs. McKormic: THE BABY!
Mr. McKormic: THE BABY!
Mrs. McKormic: THE BABY!
(Kenny wakes up.)
Kenny: {Aaaaaaaah!}
(Pan to Living Room. Mr. and Mrs. McKormic are on the couch. Mr. McKormic is tickling his
wife.)
Mrs. McKormic: He, he, he! Stop it!
Mr. McKormic: C'mon! Let's go try to get you pregnant again!
Mrs. McKormic: Oh, alright!
(Kenny enters with a baseball and a glove.)
Kenny: {Dad, I wanna play catch!}
Mr. McKormic: Huh?! Uh, I'll play catch with you later, son!
Kenny: {But I wanna play now!}
Mrs. McKormic: Oh, go ahead! We can make love afterwards!
Mr. McKormic: Aw, alright! (He and Kenny go outside.)
(Pan Outside. Kenny and his Dad are standing a distance apart.)
Mr. McKormic: Alright! Here comes a pop fly! See if you can catch it! (throws the ball to
Kenny. Kenny catches it.) Good job! Now throw me one! (Kenny throws the ball at his dad's
testicles.) OOW! COUGH! COUGH! KAHK! COUGH! KAKAHK! (barfs. Mrs. McKormic comes out.)
Mrs. McKormic: What happened?!
Mr. McKormic: Oh, he smacked me in the balls! Aw!
Kenny: (hands his glove to his mom.) {Woo hoo!}
Mr. McKormic: Aw! (barfs.)
(Cut to Cartman's House. Cartman's back on the internet in the computer room.)
Cartman: Okay! We'll try this again! "Hi, everyone. I am a young boy looking for fun
times
with older male. I like to..."! (more chat-friends enter with their messages.) Oh!
This one
looks good! HungDaddy! "Hello, HungDaddy."! (HungDaddy's message appears.)
"Hi. I'm eight and
a half inches."! Damn, dude! This guy's tiny! He must be a dwarf! "Sorry. I'm
not interested
in being friends with midgets. Midgets piss me off."! Frowny face! (types a colon and
an
opening-parenthesis. :( ) Let's see! How 'bout this one!
(Cut to South Park Docks. Cartman is walking along the docks to meet his next so-called
friend. He sees a man wearing a red baseball cap and a beigh cloak.)
Cartman: MisterHammerHead?!
(The mysterious man turns around and it's MR. GARRISON.)
Mr. Garrison: Hi there!
Cartman: Mr. Garrison?!
Mr. Garrison: HAAH! ERIC!
Cartman: YOU wanna be my friend?!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, crap!
Cartman: That's cool! We can hang out! Wha'd'y'wanna do first?!
Mr. Garrison: Uh, nothing! Nothing!
(Four FBI Agents enter.)
FBI Agent #1: Alright, scum bag! We got you!
Mr. Garrison: HAAAH! Uh, good thing you guys came! This...little boy was trying to have
his
way with me!
FBI Agent #2: Nice try, buddy! We monitored your little online chat! Now you're coming
with
us!
Mr. Garrison: NO! (the FBI Agents carry him away leaving Cartman alone.)
Cartman: Why the hell does the FBI keep arresting all my friends?! This has to be the work
of
Stan and Kyle! God! I hate those guys!
(Cut to Outside of South Park Clinic. Stan and Kyle are standing outside the window
looking
in.)
Kyle: See?! I told you, dude! Those are dialosis machines! (inside the window are old
people
on dialosis machines.) Old people have to hook themselves into it with a tube, and it
sucks
all their body fluids out!
Stan: Aw! Man! That's terrible!
Kyle: I know, huh! Put your mouth against the glass like this! (puts his mouth against the
window and spreads it out. It looks hillarious.) WAAAAAAH!
Stan: Ha, ha! He, he! Ha, ha! (puts his mouth against the window the same way as Kyle.)
WAAAAAAH!
Kyle: (mouth against the window.) BLEA, LEA, LEA, LEA, LEA!
Stan: (mouth against the window.) BLALALALALALALALA!
(Cartman enters.)
Cartman: Alright! Just what the hell do y'guys think your doing?!
Stan: We're making faces at sick people!
Cartman: No! I mean what the hell are you doing?! Why are all my mature adult friends
being
mysteriously arrested, huh?!
Stan: We don't know?!
Cartman: I'll tell you why! Because y'guys are jealous and can't handle the fact that
you're
immature, and so you started a government conspiracy against me!
Kyle: We don't know what your talking about, lard butt!
Cartman: Lard butt! Oh, that's so mature! Gaw! I guess I was wrong about y'guys, huh!
Stan: You're not more mature than us, Cartman!
Cartman: YES I AM! (leaves.)
(Cut to South Park Police Department. Officer Barbrady is sitting at his desk while
Tony316
and Mr. Garrison are sitting in jail.)
Mr. Garrison: I'm telling you, this is all a terrible mistake, Officer Barbrady!
Barbrady: Well, the FBI said I have to hold you here, so that's what I'm gonna do, Mr.
Complainey Pants!
Mr. Garrison: Oh!
Tony316: (looks at Mr. Garrison) Do you like having your back rubbed?!
Mr. Garrison: Eat me, pervert!
Tony316: Okay!
(A mob of angry people called NAMBLA enters.)
NAMBLA Leader: We demand you release these men at once!
Barbrady: Who are you?!
NAMBLA Leader: We are NAMBLA! The North American Man-Boy Love Association, and we heard
about
these political prisoners you're keeping!
Barbrady: Political prisoners?! No! These are child molesters!
NAMBLA Leader: Loving young boys has been around since the time of the Romans, pal!
There's
nothing wrong with it! We are an organization dedicated to showing that sex between a man
and
a young boy can be a beautiful thing!
NAMBLA Members: YEAH!
Barbrady: Uh, I don't know who you are, but these men aren't going anywhere until I hear
from
the If-bee-oy!
NAMBLA Leader: HATE MONGERER! HATE MONGERER!
NAMBLA Members: YEAH, HATE MONGERER!
Barbrady: Okay, people! I think you better move along before I arrest more of you!
NAMBLA Leader: All these men wanted was to love a young boy! There is nothing with love!
Mr. Garrison: I did not want love from a young boy! I like men my own age! AH! I mean...I
like women! Wha'did I say?! Oh, God! I LOVE TITTIES!
NAMBLA Leader: You haven't heard the last of us, officer! Together, we are strong! C'mon,
men!
(NAMBLA leaves in patriotic murmor.)
Barbrady: Wow! They got activists for everything these days!
(Cut to South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch. Dr. Mefesto is finishing up an experiment
with
Kevin at his side.)
Dr. Mefesto: I've done it, Kevin! I've successfully gene spliced this chipmunk with a
piece
of provalone cheese!
Provalone-Cheese-Chipmunk: RAR!
Dr. Mefesto: Do you know what this means, Kevin?! No more will the world have to look in
two
different places for squirls and provalone cheese! No more will mankind have to pick! (the
doorbell rings.) Who could that be?! (Answers the door and it's Cartman.) Why, it's little
Eric Cartman!
Cartman: Dr. Mefesto, I need help!
Dr. Mefesto: Of course! Come in! (Cartman joins Dr. Mefesto in the lab.)
Cartman: Y'see, unfortunately, I have matured faster than all my friends! I wanna hang out
with older friends, but I can't find any, so I was wondering if you could genetically
engineer some older friends for me!
Dr. Mefesto: Oh, Eric! I'm afraid it's not that simple! Genetic engineering is not yet
evolved to the state where I can just make people!
Cartman: Dammit! But, I wanna hang out with older guys!
Dr. Mefesto: Oh! Well, I happen to be a member of an organization that can help you! It's
called NAMBLA!
Cartman: NAMBLA?!
Dr. Mefesto: Yes! I've been a member for several years! I'm sure they'd let you join! You
look about right!
Cartman: Okay! Thank's, Dr. Mefesto!
Dr. Mefesto: Sure! (but little do we know that Dr. Mefesto is from ANOTHER NAMBLA which we
will be calling NAMBLA TOO, NOT the North American Man-Boy Love Association.)
(Cut to South Park Inn. No Vacancy. There is a sign saying "Welcome NAMBLA".
Inside, there is
a meeting of the pedophilic NAMBLA.)
NAMBLA Leader: Fellow members of NAMBLA, as you know, *weep*, we continue to be
discriminated
against! Recently, the FBI has started to arrest men who are doing nothing more than
trying
to start a sexual relationship with a young boy!
NAMBLA Members: Aaaaaaaw!
NAMBLA Leader: And now that all ethnic groups, homosexuals, and womens are protected under
civil rights laws, WE WANT THE SAME!
NAMBLA Members: Yeah!
NAMBLA Member #1: Yeah!
NAMBLA Leader: What we need is proof that young boys want to be members want to be members
of
NAMBLA! That they want love from us! We need a poster child to show the world that it is a
beautiful and wonderful thing...!
(Cartman enters and takes a seat.)
NAMBLA Member #2: (sitting next to Cartman) Oh!
NAMBLA Leader: Can we help you?!
Cartman: Yes! I'd like to join your fine organization! Is that kewl?!
NAMBLA Leader: You do?!
Cartman: Sure!
NAMBLA Leader: Oh, thank you! Thank you, Jesus!
Cartman: Sweet!
(Cut to the South Park Clinic.)
Stan: (puts his mouth to the window the same way as before.) WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Kyle: (does likewise) BLEEEEEEEEEEECH!
Stan and Kyle: BLEEEEEECH!
Kenny: {BLEEEEECH} (probably tries to get his mouth on the window, but he doesn't look any
different from before as Stan and Kyle do, since he's wearing that tight orange tookah.
Mr.
and Mrs. McKormic enter.)
Mrs. McKormic: Well, Kenny, the doctor confirmed it! I'm pregnant! You're gonna have a
little
brother or sister!
Kenny: {NO!} (dramatic music)
Mrs. McKormic: Yup! It's fer sure!
Mr. McKormic: And he fixed my shattered left testicle too! (he has a large bandage on his
crotch.)
Mrs. McKormic: Don't be out too late, Kenny! We need to start moving stuff outta your
room!
(she and Mr. McKormic leave.)
Kyle: Wow! Your mom's pregnant, Kenny!
Stan: Yeah! Now what're you gonna do?!
Kenny: {I don't know, but I have to think of something!} (leaves. Cartman enters.)
Cartman: (sings raspberry) NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA! NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA! I GOT INTO
NAMBLA,
AND Y'GUYS DIDN'T!
Kyle: What're you talking about, fatass?!
Cartman: Oh, no big deal! I just found a group called NAMBLA with adult members and they
all
think that I'm so mature, they want me to be their new poster child, is all! It looks like
I'm finally gonna have mature friends who I can relate too! (sings raspberry) NA, NA, NA,
NA,
NA, NA! I'M TOO MATURE FOR Y'GUYS! NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA!
(Cut to South Park Pharmacy. Kenny comes in wearing a blonde wig.)
Parmacist: Can I help you, young lady?!
Kenny: {Yes! I would like something for abortion!}
Pharmacist: Oh! You want morning-after abortion pills! Well, there right over there!
(points
to a shelf.)
Kenny: {Thanks!} (Kenny goes there. There are some bottles labled "Morning After
Abortion
Pills", "Baby -B- Gone", "Get It Outta Me!", "Fetus
Flusher", and "Pregnant No More: Super
Size". Kenny takes some "Pregnant No More" and goes back to the counter.)
Pharmacist: Uh, I'm sorry, young lady, but I can't sell that to you without permission
from
your parents! (Kenny gives him a note which says "I Hereby Give My Daughter
Permission to
Abort her Baby. -Mother".) Oh, well alrighty then! Cash or charge?!
Kenny: {Cash!}
(Cut to Kenny's House. Kenny is pouring vodka into a cup, and then adding the whole
"Super
Size" bottle of "Pregnant No More" to the vodka. Next, he stirs it and
brings it to his
mother, who is sitting beside her husband.)
Kenny: {Look mom! I made your favorite drink!}
Mrs. McKormic: Oh well, that's very sweet of you, Kenny! You made my favorite drink for
me!
Kenny: {Yeah!}
Mrs. McKormic: But unfortunately, now that I'm pregnant, I can't drink!
Kenny: {What?!}
Mr. McKormic: Well, I can still drink! (takes the drink.)
Kenny: {No! Daddy!} (Mr. McKormic drinks the drink.)
Mr. McKormic: Ah! That hits the spot! Makes me forget all about my shattered balls!
(Pause.
Kenny looks at him.) What?! W'what's the matter?! Uh, why don't you go make me another one
of...of...(his stomach goes queasy.)...ooooo!
Mrs. McKormic: What's the matter?!
Kenny: Uh, oh!
Mr. McKormic: Oh, God! I'm gonna crap my pants! (runs to the bathroom. Pan to the
bathroom.)
Ohhhhhh, Gaaaawd! (pulls down his pants and poops.) Ow! My balls! (Kenny enters. Mr.
McKormic
barfs and poops again. barfs and farts at the same time.) Aw! Gawd! (poops and barfs.
poops
and barfs as Kenny is watching.)
(Cut to the Photo-Dojo. A photo shop which actually looks like a camera from the outside.
Inside, the pedophilic NAMBLA Members are taking pictures of Cartman in his underpants.)
NAMBLA Member #3: Just a few more pictures, Eric! You make a perfect poster child!
Cartman: Thanks, dude! (Standing under a sign saying "I love NAMBLA". Makes a
few more poses,
including one almost pulling down his underpants.)
NAMBLA Leader: H'h'hey, Eric! We have a surprise for you! We want to have a big dinner and
dance honouring you as our new poster child!
Cartman: Really?! Awesome!!
NAMBLA Leader: Yes, a'and we want you to, um, invite all your young male friends!
NAMBLA Members: Ooooh! Ahhhh!
Cartman: Oh! Well, sure! I've some friends who want to be mature! (Whispers.) Screw those
Stan and Kyle friends!
NAMBLA Leader: Great! Eh, you go invite your little friends and we'll get the hotel ready!
Cartman: KICK ASS!! (Makes some more poses for the camera.)
(Cut to Kenny's House. Kenny's watching TV.)
Mrs. McKormic: (from off) Kenny, don't forget to clean out your room so we can paint it
for
the baby!
(Kenny is about to go to his room to clean it until the TV Announcer makes an interesting
speech.)
TV Announcer: Hey! Are you feeling down? You need some excitement, and North Park Funland
has
just opened its newest ride! The John Denver Experience! You'll be Rocky-Mountain High
with
this! The most extreme, insane ride ever built!
Man and Woman: (subtitle says "Actual Testimonial". tired voice) It was...
Man: (tired voice) Fun!
Woman: (tired voice) Fun!
TV Announcer: Note! People with heart conditions and expecting mothers should not ride THE
JOHN DENVER! OPEN NOW! COME ON DOWN!
Kenny: {MAAAAAWM!}
(Cut to North Park Funland. The John Denver Experience. The McKormics are lined up for the
ride.)
Mr. McKormic: Are you sure you should be goin' on this thing?!
Mrs. McKormic: Oh, it's alright! Y'know I think maybe Kenny's been a little worried about
the
new baby! We have to show him that he's still our little boy! (Mr. and Mrs. McKormic,
Kenny,
and a crowd of others board the ride which looks like an airplane.)
Ride Operator: (On a minature megaphone)
AllPleaseKeepYourHandsAndArmsInsideTheJohnDenverExperienceAtAllTimesAlejezaLidlbidaLuvaErcraEnjoyTheRideOn
John Denver Experience! HaveFun!
Mr. McKormic: Wha'd'he say?!
(The ride starts. John Denver music is heard in the background as the plane takes off.
When
the plane reaches its highest point it crashes in the middle. The plane crashes on the
garage
on screen-right!)
Mr. McKormic: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Mrs. McKormic: YEAAAAAAAAH!
(The plane crashes again on the garage. Kenny has his eyes closed and is screaming. The
plane
crashes in the middle again, on the garage, and spashes down on the splash-down pool on
screen-left.)
Ride Operator: (On a minature megaphone) GoservesDeservenAllEnjoyedThe John Denver
Experience!
(Pan to The John Denver Experience Exit. Everyone is comming off the ride including the
McKormics.)
Mr. McKormic: (holds his nose) Oh, God! My nose! I think I broke my nose!
Mrs. McKormic: C'mon Stewart! Let's just get you to a bathroom!
Mr. McKormic: Oh, I'm not gonna make it! I'm gonna be sick! (finds a garbage can and barfs
in
it.) Oh! My stomach! (poops in the garbage can.) Oh! My nose! (bleeds his nose in the
garbage
can.) Gross! (barfs. poops. bleeds. barfs. poops. bleeds. barfs. poops. bleeds. Kenny hits
his head.)
Cut to South Park Street. Cartman meets Stan and Kyle.)
Cartman: Oh! Stan! Kyle! Just the guys I wanted to see! My NAMBLA organization is having a
very important benefit in MY honour!
Kyle: They are?!
Cartman: We're gonna have a big mature party at this hotel, and I can invite all my mature
friends that I want! And that means I'm gonna invite EVERYBODY! EXCEPT FOR Y'GUYS! (sings
raspberry) NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA! NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA!
Stan: We don't wanna go to some stupid adult meeting anyway!
Cartman: Well, that's nice, 'cause you CAN'T go!
Kyle: We don't wanna go!
Cartman: You CAN'T go!
Kyle: We don't WANNA go!
Cartman: No! You CAN'T go! (turns around.) HEY, CLYDE! BUTTERS! CHECK THIS OUT! (leaves.)
Stan: Dude! Maybe we DO need to start being more mature!
Kyle: Yeah! I guess we gotta try to get in that club too!
(Cut to Kenny's house. Kenny is in bed groaning and having nightmares again. This time,
his
nightmare takes place at the hospital. Mrs. McKormic is doing her lamaz breathing.)
Doctor: You're doing fine, Ms. McKormic! It's alright, Kenny! Come see the miracle of
life!
(DreamKenny looks between his mother's legs. His mother pushes and poops a pint of purple
liquid all over DreamKenny.)
Mrs. McKormic: Oooooooooh!
Doctor: I can see its head!
Mrs. McKormic: Y'can?!
Doctor: Push, now! Push hard!
Mrs. McKormic: EEEEEEEEEH! OOOOOOH!
(We can hear the baby pop out.)
Doctor: Oh, my God!
(A nurse lets out a bloodcurdling scream.)
Mrs. McKormic: What is it?!
(The baby turns out to be a monster with pointy claws and sharp teeth.)
Monster Baby: KAAAAAAAAAH!
Doctor: It's alive! (The Monster Baby kills the doctor instantly. It then kills the nurse.
Finally, it kills DreamKenny.)
Mr. McKormic: Oh, my God! It killed Kenny!
Mrs. McKormic: Bad baby! Bad baby!
(The dream ends. Kenny wakes up.)
Kenny: (sweats a drop) {Oh! Huh?! THAT DOES IT!} (he gets out of bed, goes to the
washroom,
picks up the plunger, and goes to the living room where his mother is.)
(Pan to washroom and then to the living room as this is happening.)
Mrs. McKormic: Oh, hi, Kenny! What're you doin'?! (Kenny holds up the plunger and aims it
at
his mother as he is ready to try to plunge the baby out of his mother's womb.) What're you
doin', Kenny?! (pause.) Kenny, what're you going to plunge?!
Kenny: (attacks) {YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!}
Mrs. McKormic: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH!
(Kenny chases his mother out of the scene as Mr. McKormic enters.)
Mr. McKormic: KENNY! WHAT THE HELL'RE YOU DOING?! (Chases after Kenny)
(Cut to South Park Inn. The Dining Hall. There is a giant poster with Cartman's underpants
picture reading "I Love NAMBLA" with words printed below reading "Honorary
Dinner". NAMBLA
Members are there sitting next to some eight-year-old boys that Cartman picked up from
school, including Butters. And Cartman is there, of course. Two more NAMBLA Members enter
with two more eight-year-old boys, Stan and Kyle.)
Cartman: What the hell?! (approaches Stan and Kyle) HEY! WHAT THE HELL'RE Y'GUYS DOIN'
HERE?!
THIS'S FOR MATURE PEOPLE ONLY!
Stan: We got invited too, fatass!
Cartman: Huh! Well, I guess nowadays they allow any ole schmucks into NAMBLA!
(Everyone takes their seats as the NAMBLA Leader speaks.)
NAMBLA Leader: Fellow NAMBLA members, it is great to see you all here! It seems like we
have
finally found a city that won't oppress us!
NAMBLA Members: Yeah! Oh!
NAMBLA Leader: First and foremost, I wanna recognize Eric Cartman for putting us in touch
with all of you pretty young boys!
(Applause.)
Cartman: Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you!
NAMBLA Leader: Now I know that many of us have already found partners in this fine city,
and
I'd like to take a minute to hear some testimonials from members!
Stan: (to Kyle) This is boring!
Kyle: (to Stan) Yeah! (to NAMBLA Leader) HEY, WHEN'R'WE GONNA GET TO ACTION, HUH?!
NAMBLA Meaders: He, he, he, he! Oh! Ooooooo!
NAMBLA Leader: Oh, goodness! What a gift from God! Oh, we'll get to it very soon! I assure
you! But first, I'd just like to hear from a couple of you on your progress! Uh, yes!
Patrick!
NAMBLA Member #1: I...I found a little eight-year-old named Butters! He's a beautiful
bright
little boy!
Butters: Well, well, I sure am, I guess!
NAMBLA Member #1: And his skin is as soft as fresh linnen!
NAMBLA Members: Oooooooooo!
Stan: (to Kyle) That seems kind of weird!
Butters: Well, my skin is springtime soft, I s'pose!
NAMBLA Leader: Wonderful! Ha, ha! And how 'bout you, Mr. Harris?!
NAMBLA Member #4: Well, uh, I want to announce that I may have found the dream boy of the
decade! Uh, he's sexy, sassy, and full of spunk! His name is Timmy!
(Zoom out to reveal Timmy, whom we are a little surprized is also at this pedophilic
fiasco.)
Timmy: TIMMAH! Ti...? Timmah?!
NAMBLA Leader: Well, members, I know we're all eager to get acqainted with our new
partners!
So why don't we turn down the lights and start the dance!
(A DJ puts on some boring elevator music and the NAMBLA Members start dancing with their
eight-year-old partners. Stan and Kyle look at each other dumbfoundedly.)
(Cut to another part of the Inn. Outside a door. The FBI assult teach is ready as are some
agents.)
FBI Agent #1: Alright! I want these perverted bastards all taken in! Got it!
FBI Assult Team: Got it!
(Pan to inside the same door. It is a small cafeteria where NAMBLA TOO is meeting, a
non-pedophilic NAMBLA, the NABMLA of which Dr. Mefesto is a part. Dr. Mefesto is speaking
to
the other NAMBLA TOO Members. Dr. Mefesto is probably the NAMBLA TOO Leader.)
Dr. Mefesto: Fellow NAMBLA members, as the South Park representative...!
(FBI Agents and FBI Assult Team bust in.)
FBI Agent #1: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!
FBI Assult Team Member #1: FREEZE!
FBI Assult Team Member #2: NOBODY MOVE!
Dr. Mefesto: What's going on?!
FBI Agent #1: (points his gun at Dr. Mefesto.) Alright, sickos! Where are the children?!
Dr. Mefesto: What children?!
FBI Agent #1: This is NAMBLA, right?!
Dr. Mefesto: Yes!
FBI Agent #1: The North American Man-Boy Love Assoication!
Dr. Mefesto: WHAT?! NO! We're the North American Marlon Brando Look Alikes! (what NAMBLA
TOO
stands for.)
(The FBI looks at all the NAMBLA TOO Members and notices that they all look well like
Marlon
Brando.)
FBI Assult Team Member #3: Oh, crap! We've go the wrong NAMBLA!
Mr. Garrison: (also with the NAMBLA TOO Members) Aw, dammit! I'm in the wrong place!
(leaves.)
Dr. Mefesto: Don't tell me that that other NAMBLA is actually in South Park!
FBI Agent #1: You know of them?!
NAMBLA TOO Member #1: Know of them?! We've been fighting with them for years over their
acts
in NAMBLA.COM!
NAMBLA TOO Member #2: Yeah! Those perverted bastards!
FBI Assult Team Member #3: Wow! You guys really do look a lot like Marlon Brando!
Dr. Mefesto: Thank you! Now lets go get those other NAMBLA bastards before they hurt any
South Park children!
NAMBLA TOO Members: Yeah! Yeah!
NAMBLA TOO Member #3: And let's kick their asses for stealin' our domain name!
NAMBLA TOO Members: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
(Cut to the part of the Inn where the members of the pedophilic NAMBLA are still dancing
with
their eight-year-old partners. The NAMBLA Leader takes the podium again.)
NAMBLA Leader: Alright, members! That's enough of that! (the record stops) It's time for
us
all to retire to our respective rooms and get to know our new young boys!
NAMBLA Members: Ahhhhh! Alright! Alright!
Kyle: (to Stan) Dude! Being mature is boring!
Stan: (to Kyle) Yeah!
NAMBLA Leader: Everyone come up and grab your room keys and we'll head upstairs! Hm, hm!
(hands out the hotel room keys.)
(Cut to Inn, upstairs hallway. There are five rooms on either side. The doors on
screen-left
are labeled "1", and the doors on screen-right are labeled "2". The
doors are also labled
from "A" to "E". The doors farthest from us are labled "A",
and the doors closest to us are
labled "E". There is a Frenchie-foo-foo song playing in the background. The
NAMBLA Members
come upstairs with their eight-year-old partners and each enter a room.)
Frenchie-foo-foo Singer: (sings in the background) Dooie Dooie Catra! Catra Catray Weet!
Ay
Witay Weet...!
South Park Boys: (from inside the rooms) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
(All the South Park Boys come out of their rooms.)
Stan: DUDE! I THINK THESE GUYS MEAN TO HAVE SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS WITH US!
Kyle: I KNOW, DUDE! LET'S GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!
(They all head for the stairway at the back, but they see more people comming upstairs.)
Stan: AAH! THERE'S MORE OF THEM! QUICK! HIDE!
(The boys all hide in room 1A. The Frenchie-foo-foo song starts again. The people who are
coming up the stairs turn out to be members of NAMBLA TOO with Dr. Mefesto.)
Dr. Mefesto: Alright, Marlon Brandos! They've got to be here somewhere! Let's try this
room!
(all the NAMBLA TOO Members enter room 2E.)
(The FBI Agents and Assult Team come up the stairs.)
FBI Agent #1: Let's get those perverts!
(The FBI Members each enter a room except for room 2E. A French Waitor enters with a tray
of
food. the NAMBLA Members all come out of their rooms completely naked and frightened as
they
see that they are naked in front of a French Waitor.)
NAMBLA Members: AAAAAAAH! (The French Waitor drops his tray.)
French Waitor: Sacre bleu! (picks up his tray)
(The NAMBLA Members enter room 1A. The South Park Boys exit room 1A immediately.)
South Park Boys: WOOOOAAAH!
(The NAMBLA TOO Members come out of room 2E.)
South Park Boys: WAAAAAAAH!
NAMBLA TOO Members: WAAAAAAAH!
(The South Park boys enter room 1E. NAMBLA TOO goes back into 2E. Mrs. McKormic and Kenny
come up the stairs, Kenny still with the plunger chasing his mother.)
Mrs. McKormic: Kenny! No! Leave me alone! (enters room 1C.)
Kenny: {COME BACK HERE AND TAKE THE PLUNGER!} (enters room 1C.)
(FBI Members exit their rooms, head for the stairs, see someone coming up, and go back to
their rooms. The next person to come up the stairs is Mr. McKormic.)
Mr. McKormic: Kenny! (enters room 2C.)
(French Waitor enters with his tray.)
French Waitor: Zis time, I will not drop ze food!
(NAMBLA Members come out of room 1A and knock the French Waitor down the stairs.)
NAMBLA Leader: I'm so horny, guys! Where's the boys?! (The NAMBLA Members enter room 2A)
(The French Waitor comes back up the stairs with his tray.)
French Waitor: Sacre bleu! (exits forward.)
(NAMLBA TOO Members exit room 2E.)
Dr. Mefesto: I think the boys went in here!
(NAMBLA TOO Members enter room 1E. The South Park Boys run out of room 1E.)
South Park Boys: AAAAAAAAAAAH!
Timmy: TIMAAAAAAAAH!
(The South Park Boys enter room 2D. A little french poodle on a coloured ball rolls out of
room 1C.)
French Poodle: Woof, woof! (enters room 2D.)
(NAMBLA Members exit room 2A.)
NAMBLA Leader: Maybe the boys are in here! (NAMBLA Members enter room 1C.) OH, BOYS!
(Kenny chases Mrs. McKormic out of room 1C and into room 2C. The French Waitor enters with
his tray. NAMBLA TOO and the FBI come out of room 1E and knock over the Waitor.)
French Waitor: Whoa! (is pushed out of the scene.)
FBI Agent #1: (Has NAMBLA TOO at gun-point) ALRIGHT! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!
Dr. Mefesto: NO! YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG NAMBLA AGAIN!
FBI Agent #1: DAMMIT!
FBI Agent #2: Hey! We didn't try that room! (Points to room 2A.)
(NAMBLA TOO and the FBI enter room 2A as two French Cyclists make their way from room 2D
to
1D on their french bicyles. The French waitor gets up with his tray.)
French Waitor: Sacre bleu! (exits forward.)
(Pan to inside room 2D where the South Park Boys are.)
Kyle: Dude! We're surrounded by perverts!
Cartman: They're all over the place!
Timmy: TIMMEH!
Tokken: What're we gonna do?!
Stan: Well, Cartman! You got everybody into this, you have to figure out a way to get
everybody out!
South Park Boys: Yeah!
Cartman: Uh, tha'that's fine! I know how to get us out!
Kyle: How?!
Cartman: Well, look! Those perverts aren't going to rest until they've made love to one of
us! Right?! So, somebody's just gonna have to go out there and...and take one for the
team!
(Pause. The boys look scared.) And, I think in all fairness, it should be Butters!
Butters: Huh?! Uh, well, uh, why me?!
Cartman: Now are you a team player or not?!
Butters: Well, sure, uh, I'm a team player, uh, I guess!
Cartman: Well, Butters, there is no "I" in team!
Butters: You mean they expect me to go out there and let all those, uh, horny old men have
their way with my fragile person?! Well, just what team is this anyway?!
Cartman: Just go, Butters! We're running outta time!
Butters: Uh, uh, uh, alright then! (Stan opens the door for Butters and Butters exits.)
Cartman: Heh! He's such a dumbass!
(Pan back to the upstairs hallway with the ten doors. Butters is standing in the middle of
the hallway.)
Butters: UH, ALRIGHT, MEN! HERE...HERE I COME! (Covers his eyes) I'M READY TO TAKE ONE FOR
THE TEAM! (enters room 1D.)
(Mr. McKormic comes out of room 2D.)
Mr. McKormic: KENNY! KENNY, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SHENANAGINS! (enters room 1E.)
NAMBLA Leader: (from inside room 1E.) OOH! ONE OF THE BOYS JUST CAME IN!
NAMBLA Members: (from inside room 1E.) I'm getting in first! Me first!
Mr. McKormic: (from inside room 1E. being raped.) What the...?! No! Wait! NO! AAH! NO!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
(Butters comes out of room 1D and listens to the sounds of Mr. McKormic being raped by the
members of NAMBLA comming from door 1E. Butters probably goes back to room 2D to tell the
other boys that everything was clear and they could make their escape.)
(Cut to South Park Inn. Outside. Members of NAMBLA have been placed under arrest and are
in
handcuffs. Mr. McKormic is on an ambulance bed. Mrs. McKormic approaches him.)
Mrs. McKormic: Are you alright, Stewart?!
Mr. McKormic: Don't touch me! Sob! I've had my nuts broken, body poisoned, and been made
love
to in the ass by three-dozen forty-year-old men! I just wanna go home and take a...a hot
bath!
FBI Agent #1: (holding NAMBLA in custody. to NAMBLA Leader.) We've been after you for a
long
time, buddy! D'you know your rights?!
NAMBLA Leader: Rights?! Does anybody know their rights?! You see, I've learned something
today! Our fore-fathers came to this country because they believed in an idea! An idea
called
freedom! They wanted to live in a place where a group couldn't be prosecuted for their
beliefs. Where a person can live the way he chooses to live! You see us as being perverted
because we're different from you! People are afraid of us because they don't understand,
and
sometimes, it's easier to persecute than to understand!
Kyle: Dude! You have sex with children!
NAMBLA Leader: We are human! Most of us didn't even choose to be attracted to young boys!
We
were born that way! We can't help the way we are, and if you all can't understand that,
well,
then, I guess you'll just have to put us away! (This speech appears to make most of the
crowd
think a little.)
Kyle: Dude! You have SEX with CHILDREN!
Stan: Yeah! Y'know, we believe in equality for everybody and tolerance and all that gay
stuff, but dude, fuck you!
Kyle: Seriously!
FBI Agent #1: Alright! That's enough! You're all going to be put away for a long time!
(The FBI takes NAMBLA into custody and off to jail.)
Kyle: Well, Cartman!
Cartman: Well what?!
Kyle: Don't you think you owe everyone an apology for bringing NAMBLA here?!
South Park Boys: YEAH!
Cartman: Alright, alright! I'm sorry I almost got y'guys all raped! There!
Stan: And now, do you still think that you need to hang out with older mature friends?!
Cartman: No! I guess y'guys'll blossom into maturity someday! Just don't take too long!
(The Ambulance Driver loads Mr. McKormic into the abulance.)
Ambulance Driver: Okay! Let's let's roll! (the ambulance backs up and rolls over Kenny.
Kenny
is killed. The ambulance takes off.)
(Cut to Hospital. Mrs. McKormic is holding her newborn baby. Mr. McKormic is beside her
looking at his newborn son.)
Mr. McKormic: Coo! Cootchie coo! Coo! Cootchie coo!
Mrs. McKormic: Our little angel! Yes!
Mr. McKormic: Oh, he's so beautiful! I know it's been hard on both of us losing poor
Kenny,
but this new baby kinda reminds me of 'im! (looking at it, we see that the baby looks just
like Kenny in his orange tookah.)
Mrs. McKormic: What should we name 'im?!
Mr. McKormic: Well, seeing as though Kenny passed away, maybe we should name 'im, uh,
Kenny!
Mrs. McKormic: Yes! Kenny's such a great name! My little Kenny! A brand new Kenny!
Baby Kenny: {Goo, goo, goo!}
Mr. McKormic: God! This must be fiftieth time this has happened!
Mrs. McKormic: Fifty-second!
(Closing Credits. We hear the Frenchie-foo-foo song in the background.)
Frenchie-foo-foo Singer: (sings in the background) Dooie Dooie Catra! Catra Catray Weet!
Ay
Witay Witay Saizer...! (if anyone has the rest of this song, I would appreciate it if you
could send it to me.)
(The end.)