Do the Handicapped Go
to Hell?
Transcribed by Lee Estall
(Open to South Park Church. Everyone is singing a hymn with a cantor.)
Everyone: (singing) I walk hand in hand with Jesus over heaven high up where he lives!
Cantor and Everyone: (singing) I tell him all my problems and sometimes he tells me his!
Everyone: (singing) What a friend I have in Jesus! I can say that honestly!
Cantor and Everyone: (singing) He's not like all my other friends who really don't care about me!
Everyone: (singing) Amen!
(Everyone sits down.)
Stan: Boring!
Cantor: And now, Mr. Mackey will read his favourite psalm for us! Psalm 46! (leaves the podium.)
(Mr. Mackey takes the podium.)
Mr. Mackey: (reads the Bible.) Uh, God is our refuge and strength! M'kay?! A very present help in trouble! M'kay?!
Cartman: (whispers to Stan and Kenny) Hey, y'guys! You wanna know what my favourite psalm is?! "It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation! This sort of penetration will increase the population of the X-Generation!"! (Stan and Kenny giggle.)
Mr. Mackey: (still reading.) God is in the mist of her! M'kay?! She shall not be moved! M'kay?!
Stan: (whispers.) Waitwaitwaitwait! "It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's..."?!
Cartman: "It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation to increase the population of the X-Federation!"!
Kenny: {Is a man's boneration his penis, and don't you mean a woman's vagination?!}
Cartman: No, no, no! It's "separation"!
Stan: "It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a..."!
Priest Maxi: BOYS! YOU ARE IN CHURCH!
(Dee-Anne smacks Cartman.)
Cartman: Ow! (falls down.)
Mr. Mackey: (still reading.) The God of Jacob is our refuge! M'kay?! (leaves the podium.)
(Priest Maxi takes the podium.)
Priest Maxi: Thank you, Mr. Mackey! Hello, everyone! Today, we are going to talk about HELL! (horror-style organ music.) Hell is not a very nice place! Burning! Searing! Flames! Screaming! Torture for eternity! Once you're in Hell, you cannot escape! You live forever in horrible pain! In burning agony! All sinners are there in misery dying over and over and over! IF YOU BE CAST DOWN INTO THIS BLACK BOG OF STENCH, THEN WOE IS THOU, FOR SATAN HAS MADE IT THE MOST MISERABLE PLACE IN THE UNIVERSE, AND HE WILL BE YOUR RULER! YOUR RULER OF PAIN AND AGONY!
(Long Pan to Hell. We see layers of dirt and dinosaur bones, and then we see a flaming sign saying "Welcome to Hell". Another sign says "Don't Forget! It's Luau Sunday!!!". All the Hellions are having a Luau party with Satan.)
Satan and the Hellions: (singing.) Are we going to the Huki Lau?! The Huki Huki Huki Huki Huki Lau! Are we going to the Huki Lau?! The Huki Huki Huki Huki Huki Huki Lau! Everybody loves the Huki Lau!
Gene Siskel: I do!
Satan and the Hellions: (singing.) Where the laulau is the kaka of the huau! We throw our nets out into the sea! All the homakomas come 'a' swimmin' to me! Are we going to the Huki Lau?! The Huki Huki Huki Huki Huki Lau!
Four Lady Demons: (singing.) Are we going to the Huki Lau?!
Three Imprisoned Hellions: (singing.) The Huki Huki Huki Huki Huki Huki Lau!
Four Lady Demons: (singing.) Everybody loves the Huki Lau! (one loses her head.)
Satan and the Hellions: (singing.) Where the laulau is the kaka of the huau!
Satan and the Hellions: (singing.) We throw our nets out into the sea! All the homakomas come 'a' swimmin' to me! Are we going to the Huki Lau?! The Huki Huki Huki Huki Huki Lau! Huki Luki Lau!
Satan: Yeah! (the song ends.)
Small Black Demon: Yeah! (bites a Hellion's head.)
Hellion #1: (in pain after having his head bit by that Small Black Demon.) AAAAAAAAAAAH!
Hellions: HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!
(everyone starts leaving saying their good nights.)
Gary: Great luau, Satan! (leaves.)
Satan: Thanks! See ya Gary! Thanks for comming! (to another Hellion.) Oh! Bye, Marsha!
Walter Mathau: Satan, a few of us are gonna go pound some brews! You wanna join us?!
Satan: Oh, I'd love to, Mr. Mathau, but I can't! (stands next to his newest companion, Chris.) Chris and I just moved to the West Side 'n' we have to unpack!
Walter Mathau: Oh, well! Maybe next time! Great Luau! (leaves.)
Satan: Bye!
(Cut to anther part of Hell. River Styx Condominiums. This is where Satan and Chris now live. There is a sign that says. "Units Still Available". Pan inside. Satan is unpacking some little figurines and putting them on a shelf.)
Satan: Chris!
Chris: (from another room.) Yeah!
Satan: Did you, uh, see my Boy With An Umbrella, Hunn-o?!
Chris: (from another room.) Uh, no, but there's still some boxes comming from the movers!
Satan: Oh, okay! Thanks! (The doorbell rings.) Oh, that must be them now! (opens the door.) Just put the boxes by the...! (Much to his surprise, he finds that the person at the door is none other than Saddam Hussein.)
Saddam: Hello, Satan!
Satan: Saddam!
Saddam: Did ya miss me, Buttercup?!
Satan: No! It can't be! You're dead! I killed you!
Saddam: Yeah, you killed me! So, where was I gonna go?! Detroit?!
Satan: Oh, no! Oh, God, no!
(Cut to South Park Church. Priest Maxi is finishing up his sermon on Hell.)
Priest Maxi: A PLACE OF EVERLASTING AGONY AND PAIN, HELL AWAITS ALL SINNERS AND ALL WHO DO NOT ACCEPT CHRIST! CHILDREN IN THIS TOWN HAVE NOT BEEN ATTENDING SUNDAY SCHOOL AFTER MASS, AND ADULTS HAVE NOT BEEN COMMING TO CONFESSION! IF THIS DOES NOT CHANGE, I PROMISE YOU! YOU WILL ALL BE GOING TO THE BLACK PIT OF SATAN'S WORLD! That is all! Peace be with you! (leaves the podium. Everyone starts to leave the church, a little bit frightened by Priest Maxi's preceeding sermon.)
Randy: Well, that was quite an up-lifting sermon!
Sharron: Yeah!
(Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are frightened out of their wits.)
Stan: Mom, w'we're staying for Sunday School!
Sharron: What?!
Stan: We have to go to Sunday School so we don't burn! (Stan and Kenny leave to Sunday School.)
Cartman: Yeah! I'll see ya later, mom! (leaves to Sunday School.)
Randy: Oh, now, look at that! They're scared to death!
(Priest Maxi walks up to them from the podium.)
Priest Maxi: Hell is a very real place, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh! I'm trying to save their souls and the souls of everyone in this town from the wretched lake of fire!
(Cut to Hell. River Styx Condominiums. Saddam Hussein is still outside of Satan's door.)
Saddam: Come on, guy! Just let me in so we can talk!
Satan: I don't want to talk to you, Saddam! This isn't what I need in my life right now!
Chris: (peeks from behind a doorway.) Is that the mover, Satan?!
Satan: (to Chris.) Uh, yeah! Yeah! It's just the movers!
Chris: Oh! Well tell them that I'm leaving their cheque on the counter! (goes back in.)
Satan: (to Chris.) Okay, Chris!
Saddam: Satan, look! I know our relationship wasn't perfect! Okay?! I know that! I was too busy tryin' to take over the world to give you what you needed, but I've changed, Satan!
Satan: (sarcastically.) Oh, well I haven't heard that before!
Saddam: Come on! Can't we just go out for a buritto?! (wears mexican clothes and shakes a pair of muraccas.) Megusta buritto mucho!
Satan: I can't, Saddam! I'm with Chris, now!
Saddam: Who?! Screw 'im! He can't pound your ass like I can!
Satan: GOODBYE, SADDAM!
Saddam: Wait! Wait! I'm sorry! M'hm! But Satan, you can't deny what's between us! You can try, but you know we belong together!
Satan: My life is good now, Saddam! Chris treats me well! You and I are through! Goodbye! (Closes the door. inside, breaths a heavy sigh and walks away from the door.)
Saddam: (from outside a window.) HEY! C'MON, GUY! GIMMIE A BREAK! (Satan closes the shades to the window.)
(Cut to Sunday School. All the kids are sitting around a table. Sister Anne is their instructor.)
Sister Anne: Hello, children! I'm Sister Anne and I'll be teaching you so that you can all receive your first communion!
Stan: ARE WE GONNA GO TO HELL?!
Sister Anne: Well, hopefully not! That's why you're gonna need to receive communion!
Cartman: A'and as long as we get this communion thing, we're safe?!
Stan: What if we haven't really done anything that horribly bad in our lives?!
Cartman: Yeah! What if we hadn't!
Sister Anne: It doesn't matter, because we are all born with original sin! Now, let me explain how communion works! (takes out a plate of communion waffers. picks one up.) The priest will give you this round cracker and he will say "The body of Christ.", and then you eat it!
Cartman: Jesus was made of crackers?!
Sister Anne: No!
Stan: But crackers are his body!
Sister Anne: Yes!
Kenny: {What?!}
Sister Anne: In the book of Mark, Jesus distributed bread and said, "Eat this, for it is my body"!
Cartman: So, we won't go to Hell as long as we eat crackers!
Sister Anne: No, no, no, no!
Butters: W'well, what're we eatin' then?!
Sister Anne: The body of Christ!
Stan: Nononono! I get it! Jesus wanted us to eat him, but he didn't want us to be cannibals, so he turned himself into crackers, and then told people to eat'im!
Sister Anne: No!
Stan: No?!
Butters: Uh, I can't whistle if I eat too many crackers!
Sister Anne: Look, all you have to know is that when the priest give you the cracker, you eat it! Okay?!
Kenny, Stan, & Cartman: (a little confused.) Okay!
Sister Anne: And then, you will drink a very small amount of wine, for that is the Blood of Christ!
Cartman: Aw, come on, now! This is just getting silly!
Sister Anne: Eric, d'you wanna go to Hell?!
Cartman: No!
Sister Anne: Then stop questioning me!
Stan: But, now we can have communion and not go to Hell! Right?!
Sister Anne: No, because before you can take your first communion, you have to have your first confession!
Stan: Confession?!
Sister Anne: You'll be getting in the confession box with a priest and confessing all your sins so that God can forgive you! You kids will all have to go to your first confession this Tuesday, so I want you all to go home tonight and think long and hard about all your sins, so that you can tell the priest EVERYTHING!
(Everyone looks scared. music of suspence.)
Kenny: {Oh, shit!}
(Cut to Hell. River Styx Condominiums. Satan and Chris are washing dishes.)
Chris: Those were some great pork chops, Satan!
Satan: Yeah!
Chris: Hey, you! You've been actin' strange all night! What's up?!
Satan: Nothing! Why?!
Chris: Well, it's just that you've washed the same dish seven times now, silly!
Satan: (realizing this is so.) Oh, hm! Sorry! Ha, ha!
Chris: C'mon, Satan! Y'know you can tell me anything! What's up?!
Satan: Well, Chris, Saddam showed up today!
Chris: Oh! Wow! 'Wasn't ready for that!
Satan: He showed up spouting all kinds of things about how he's changed and he still loves me!
Chris: I thought you killed him!
Satan: Yeah, well, where was he gonna go?! Detroit?!
Chris: D'you still love him!
Satan: No, Chris!
Chris: It's okay if you do?!
Satan: Well, I mean, sigh! Of course, there's a part of me that will always love 'im! I, uh, but I also know how abusive he was! I'm much happier with you!
Chris: Y'know what I think we should do?! I think we should all get together and just talk like adults!
Satan: What?!
Chris: We're all grown men here, Satan! I wanna just go meet this guy!
Satan: No, Chris! You don't understand! Saddam is fuckin' crazy!
Chris: I know he's got the whole bad-boy thing going, or I think that's what you were attracted to, but I can be a rough tumbler myself! (breaks a dish.) Ooops! Aw, butternuts! (picks up the broken pieces of dish as Satan thinks to himself and looks toward the door and window.)
(Cut to South Park Street. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are sitting on the sidewalk. Cartman has a pen and paper.)
Stan: Okay! Let's see! Uh! Oh, yeah! There was the time we threw a fish into the bus driver's hair and she didn't find it for seven days!
Cartman: Oh, yeah! 'Kay! (writes it down.)
Stan: And then, there was the time we held that little first-grader down and farted on him for twenty-eight minutes!
Cartman: Right! I already got that one!
(Kyle enters.)
Kyle: Hey, dudes! What're you doin'?!
Stan: We're tryin' to remember all our sins! Sister Anne told us we have to confess all our sins, or else we're gonna go to Hell!
Kyle: W'what?!
Stan: Have you confessed all YOUR sins yet?!
Kyle: NO!
Cartman: Dude, he's Jewish! He doesn't have to confess his sins!
Kyle: Oh, good! I don't?!
Cartman: No! You're already going to Hell!
Kyle: I AM NOT!
Cartman: Y'ARE TOO!
Stan: Dude, this lady told us if y'don't confess all your sins and you don't eat crackers and drink wine, then you go to Hell! Period!
Kyle: I'M GONNA GO ASK MY MOM! (leaves.)
Stan: Now, let's see! What about the time we set Mr. Garrison's cat on fire?!
Cartman: (writes it down.) Alright! That was mostly Kenny's fault!
Kenny: {What?!}
(Butters, Timmy, and Tokken enter.)
Butters: YOU GUYS! YOU GUYS! W'WE JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHING!
Stan: What, Butters?!
Butters: Well, w'what about the handicapped kid?! Uh, Timmy!
Timmy: TIMMAH!
Cartman: Wha'did we do to Timmy?!
Butters: NO! I MEAN, POOR TIMMY'S GONNA GO TO HELL! HE CAN'T CONFESS HIS SINS, 'CAUSE ALL HE CAN SAY IS HIS NAME!
Timmy: TIMMAH!
Cartman: Oh, yeah! You're right! I guess Timmy's pretty screwed!
Stan: Oh, man! We can't let Timmy go to Hell! We have to do something!
Kenny: {What're we gonna do?!}
Stan: I don't know! I don't know what we're gonna do!
(Cut to Hell. Satan is sitting out in the open next to a Little Red Demon.)
Satan: I don't know what I'm gonna do! I can't deny my feelings for Saddam, but my life is so much better now with Chris!
Red Demon: OOOO! GAGA BEGA! GEGAGAGAHAIYA!
Satan: Yeah! It's like Chris is so perfect in every way, but there's just something about Saddam that I'm much more attracted to!
Red Demon: Y'Y'Y'YAAAAAAAA! AIUYA! WAYUYAYA!
Satan: In what way?!
Red Demon: OONG YAHY VUNGHYIUHA!
Satan: Yeah! You're right! Saddam would just treat me bad again! I'm just gonna have to not see Saddam, put'im out of my mine, and focus on Chris! If I don't see Saddam, then I won't have such strong feelings for 'im! Thanks, guys!
Red Demon: GOOYAAH!
(Chris enters.)
Chris: There you are!
Satan: Oh, hi, Chris!
Chris: I've been looking all over for you! I have to tell you something that might make you a little mad!
Satan: What?!
Chris: Well, I called Saddam Hussein and invited him over for dinner tonight!
Satan: YOU WHAT?!
Chris: I just think we all need to get this out in the open!
Satan: AW, CHRIS! RAAAAHR! (shoots a line of fire which burns a tree down.) RAAAAHR! (fires another line directly at the Red Demon.)
Red Demon: YAAAAAAAH! (as he is burnt to smitherines.)
Chris: C'mon, Satan! We're all adults here! He was an important person in your life, for better or for worse, so I wanna know 'im! If he sees that I'm a real person too, then, well, maybe he'll see how happy we are together!
Satan: No, Chris! He'll try to kill you is what he'll do!
Chris: Satan! We're not in Junior High School anymore!
Satan: Oh, dear God!
(Cut to South Park Church. Stan is sitting on a pew placed next to the Confessional box. Stan is praying.)
Stan: (Praying) Hail Mary, full of grace! The Lord is with thee! Blessed art thou amongst...!
Cartman: (suddenly enters.) How was it?!
Stan: Uh! Aw, dude! You screwed me up!
Cartman: Huh?!
Stan: The guy in there said that I have to say fifty-four "Hail Mary"'s! Now, I can't remember if I was on number seven or eight!
Cartman: Who's in there?!
Stan: I don't know! Y'can't see'im! It's just some anonymous guy!
Cartman: Well, here goes everything! (enters the confessional booth and closes the door. Pan inside the Confessional Booth.) Uh, forgive me Father for I have sinned.
Priest Maxi: (on his side of the booth. Cartman does not know that it is Priest Maxi and cannot see him.) Ahem! Blessed art thou, child! Now, what do you have to confess?!
Cartman: Well, let's see! I'd like to start, if I may, back when I was two and a half! It was a cold April morning and the dew on the grass was frozen like tiny beads of glass!
(Pan outside.)
Stan: (Praying again.) Hail Mary, full of grace! The Lord is with thee! Bless...!
Kenny: (suddenly enters.) {Hi, dude!}
Stan: GODDAMMIT!
Kenny: {What?!}
(Sister Anne enters, walks toward the candle alter, kneels and prays.)
Stan: (sees Sister Anne.) Oo! There's Sister Anne! C'mon! We gotta ask her 'bout Timmy! (Stan and Kenny walk toward Sister Anne at the candle alter.) Sister Anne!
Sister Anne: Oh, hello, children!
Stan: We have a question!
Sister Anne: Okay! Shoot!
Stan: Where do handicapped people go when they die?!
Sister Anne: The handicapped are just people like you and me, so the same rules apply! They need to be baptised, take communion, and confess their sins!
Stan: But our friend Timmy can't really talk! All he can do is say his own name, so he can't really confess his sins! So is he gonna go to Hell?!
Sister Anne: Uh! This really isn't a question for me! It's for the priest! I'll see if I can find him! Bye! (leaves.)
(Pan inside the Confessional Booth. Cartman still cannot see Priest Maxi on the other side of the booth.)
Cartman: And that was about everything from first grade, then last year, well...you can't tell anybody about this stuff! Right?!
Priest Maxi: Your, ahem, con...confession does not leave this box!
Cartman: Okay, because last year, I took a sandwich that the priest of this church had been eating!
Priest Maxi: (realizing that it was his sandwich to which Cartman was referring.) Oh! Well, uh, um, sure he WOULD forgive if he KNEW!
Cartman: No, but I'm not finished yet! I took the sandwich that the priest was eating, took the piece of ham out of it, put it between my butt-cheeks, and then put the sandwich back and watched 'im eat it!
Priest Maxi: (looking a bit angry.) I see!
Cartman: Yeah, and this other time, I went pee-pee in the holy water thing, and the priest blessed himself on the fore-head with it everyday for about a week! (the priest looks angrier.) And then this one time, I was at the park and the priest was out walking his dog and I went number two on the sidewalk and then told Officer Barbrady that it was the priest's dog! (Priest Maxi starts shaking with anger.) And so, the priest got fined like a hundred dollars for not cleaning it up! And then this one time, I put super-glue all over the priest's bottom, and...! (Priest Maxi smashes the wooden barrier that was bordering him from Cartman. Next, the priest starts choking Cartman.) EH! HACK! AW, JESUS! OHHHHHH! AH! UGH! OH! OW!
(Pan outside. Cartman's screams can be heard from inside the confessional booth. Sister Anne enters.)
Cartman: (from inside.) AH! OH! OH!
Sister Anne: (knocks on the confessional booth) Father, I need to talk to you! Father! (Priest Maxi bursts out of the booth.) I have to ask you a question!
Priest Maxi: Okay! Okay! Fine! (he and Sister Anne leave towards the Church Office. Cartman comes out of the the booth weakly as Stan and Kenny enter.)
Cartman: Cough! Oh, ho! Oh!
Stan: Dude! What happened?!
Cartman: I felt it, y'guys! I felt the angry hands of God! He is an angry God, y'guys! We all have to start taking this very seriously!
(Cut to Hell. River Styx Condominiums. The doorbell rings. Chris answers. It's Saddam.)
Chris: Oh, hello! You must be Saddam Hussein!
Saddam: (wearing a blue suit.) And you must be Mr. Ass Face! (smiles.) Just kidding! You're Chris! Right?! Thanks for inviting me to dinner, guy! (hands Chris a baked potato.) Here! I brought you a potato!
Chris: (takes the potato.) Oh, thank you!
(Satan bursts in from another room.)
Satan: CHRIS! NO! IT'S A BOMB! (snatches the potato from Chris and throws it well away.)
Chris: Satan! What the heck is wrong with you?!
Saddam: Yeah! Hey! Relax, guy! We're all here to act like adults! Right?! (there is an explosion comming from the direction where Satan threw Saddam's baked potato.) Oh, gee! I must've over-cooked it! Eheh!
Chris: Well, c'mon in! Dinner's just about ready!
(Cut to Kyle's House. Shiela and Gerald are sitting with their little baby Ike who is reading a book called "Cannery Row" by John Steinbeck.)
Ike: (reading) Be ha he glass, a dotty funny eye!
Gerald: Very good, Ike! That's two John Steinbeck books in one day!
Ike: COOKIE MONSTER!
Sheila: Oh, he's growing up so fast!
(Kyle bursts in from outside.)
Kyle: Mom! Dad! Am I going to Hell?!
Sheila: Why?! What did you do, Kyle?!
Kyle: Nothing, but the guys said if I don't confess my sins and eat crackers, I'm gonna go to Hell!
Sheila: Oh, no! That's just Catholics! Us Jews don't believe in Hell!
Kyle: We don't?! But what if we're wrong?!
Sheila: Well, Kyle, they could be wrong too!
Kyle: Yeah, but if they're wrong, no big deal! If we're wrong, we burn in Hell!
Ike: Oh, no!
Gerald: Kyle, it's all about being a good person NOW! You see, Christians use Hell as a way to scare people into believing what they believe, but to believe in something just because you're afraid of the consequences if you DON'T believe in something is no reason to believe in something! Understand?!
Ike: No!
Kyle: Well, you guys can do what you want! I'm going down to that church to confess my sins and eat crackers, and I'm taking Ike with me! (grabs Ike and leaves.)
Sheila: Kyle!
(Cut to Hell. River Styx Condominiums. Saddam, Satan, and Chris are eating dinner.)
Chris: So, Saddam, Satan told me all about how you guys almost took over the world once!
Saddam: Yeah! Those were the days, boy! What the hell is this crap we're eatin' anyway?!
Satan: It's all vegetarian, Saddam! Chris was a nutritionist before he died!
Saddam: Ah! Isn't that facinating! So tell me, Chris, how was it that you died?!
Chris: Oh, well I, I acutally slipped down an escalator in a mall! Those things can be pretty sketchy!
Saddam: An escalator?! WHAT KINKA PUSSY WAY OF DYING IS THAT?!
Chris: Look! Saddam! I know that you and Satan had a relationship, and I just want you to know that I'm totally okay with you guys staying friends! (as he's talking Saddam touches Satan's leg. Satan slaps Saddams hand away.)
Saddam: Uh huh!
Chris: I think it's important to stay friends with people you've had relationships with! (Saddam touches Satan again, and Satan slaps him away.) And I know that Satan and my relationship is strong enough that it can handle anything! Right?! (Saddam is still touching Satan, but Satan is mezmorized this time.) Right! (Continues eating.)
(Cut to South Park Church. The Priest's office. Sister Anne, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny stand in front of Priest Maxi.)
Sister Anne: Father, the children asked me about their handicapped friend! I wanna explain to them that he's fine!
Priest Maxi: Well, has your friend ever confessed or been baptized?!
Stan: I don't think so!
Priest Maxi: Then, Hell awaits him!
Sister Anne: Father, these boys are really worried because they think they have to...!
Priest Maxi: THEY SHOULD BE WORRIED! Boys! It is your Christian duty to save the souls of your friends!
Sister Anne: Yes, but...!
(Kyle enters with Ike.)
Kyle: Mister Father! We have to ask you something!
Priest Maxi: Oh! You're the little Jewish boy! Right?!
Kyle: Yeah! If we're Jewish, are we gonna go to Hell?!
Priest Maxi: Well, young man, you can rest assure that according to Mathew 25, when you die, you will stand before God and he will say "Depart from me, ye cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the Devil and his angels!"! Yes! As a Jew, your home will be the lake of fire!
(Kyle and Ike are frightened.)
Ike: Oh, no! (hides behind Kyle.)
Sister Anne: Father!
Priest Maxi: I hope to see all of you in church this Sunday!
Kids: WE WILL BE! (including Kyle. They leave.)
Sister Anne: Father! I don't know if I agree fully with what you're saying! I think that as long as Jewish people are good, they will get into Heaven!
Priest Maxi: Sister! The Jews crucified our saviour! I mean, if you don't go to Hell for crucifying the saviour, the what the hell DO you go to Hell for?!
(Pan to the Candle Alter. The five kids are standing there.)
Kyle: Stan! You've got to help us become good Christians! Please!
Stan: AlrightAlrightAlright! You heard the priest! The first thing we have to do is get you guys all baptised! C'mon! (the kids leave.)
(Cut to Cartman's Frontyard. Cartman is squirting Timmy, Kyle, and Ike with the garden hose. Kenny and Stan are watching.)
Timmy: (as he is being squirted.) Gurgle, Gurgle, Gurt! Gargle, Gurt!
Stan: Hey, you'd better baptise Kyle some more!
Cartman: HALLELUIAH! WASH AWAY THE SIN! (Squirts Kyle.)
Kyle: HAAAA!
Cartman: Turn around so I can clean out your ass!
Stan: CARTMAN!
Cartman: (turns off the hose.) What?!
Stan: Dude, you just said "Ass"! That's a sin!
Cartman: Oh, now you've said it too!
Stan: Oh, shit! Aw! (covers his mouth realizing he just said "Shit".)
Kenny: {Fuck! Whoops!} (covers his mouth, having said "Fuck".)
Cartman: Aw, dude, we gotta go back to church and confess again!
Stan: But what about them?! (pointing to Timmy, Kyle, and Ike.)
Cartman: Uh, oh I know! (gets out a toy sprinkler shaped like a weasle) We can use Wacky Water Weasle! (attaches the sprinkler to the hose and turns it on. It sprays all three baptism recipiants, Timmy, Kyle, and Ike, at once.)
Timmy: AAH!
Stan: Okay! C'mon!
Timmy: HAAAY! TIMMAH!
(Cut to Hell. River Styx Condominiums. Saddam, Satan, and Chris have just finished eating dinner.)
Chris: (Clearing dishes.) Whew! Well, I don't know about you guys, but all that ginger made me tired!
Saddam: Yeah! I guess I should be gettin' back!
Satan: Good! I'll show you out! (leads Saddam to the door.)
Chris: Nice to meet you, Saddam! Have a safe walk back!
Saddam: Yeah! Thanks for the wheat, grass, 'n' twigs, 'n' stuff! (Pan to the doorway. Satan opens the door for Saddam. Saddam walks outside.) Satan! That guy is a pussy!
Satan: He's stable, Saddam!
Saddam: Yeah! That's what I said! He's a pussy!
Satan: Having stability in your life is a great thing! You should try it!
Saddam: For some people, maybe! But YOU like excitement! I know you, Satan!
Satan: I'm very happy with my life, now!
Saddam: Here! (gives Satan the key to his hotel room.) I'm at the Bargain Hotel on Mount Evista, Room sixteen!
Satan: NO, SADDAM! I WON'T BE NEEDING THIS!
Saddam: Doll, I know you won't, but just keep it just in case! It was good seeing you again, Satan! G'night! (to Chris) GOOD NIGHT, PUSSY, I MEAN CHRIS!
Chris: (enters. to Saddam) G'night! (Saddam leaves, Chris goes to bed, and Satan thinks to himself.)
(Cut to Rome. The phone rings. A Cardinal wearing Gold answers a cellular phone.)
Sister Anne: (on phone) Hello, your excellency! This is Sister Anne, The Bleeding Eyes of Jesus, calling from the United States!
Cardinal: (in an Italian accent.) Yes! I understand you wish to speak with the Pope!
Sister Anne: (on phone) Yes! The priest here has been telling the children some pretty radical things, and I just wanted to see what the church thinks about Jews and the Mentally Handicapped!
Cardinal: (in an Italian accent.) Yes, well the Pope is here, but please keep it brief! He is very old! (gives the cellular phone to the Pope, a very old man who's mind has almost withered away with age.)
Pope: Heh?!
Sister Anne: (on phone) Hello, his holiness! I want to ask you about people with mental disabilities!
Pope: Heh?!
Sister Anne: (on phone) Do mentally chalenged people go to Hell?!
Pope: (whispers) Eeeeh, what's that you say?! (shouts) Heh?!
Sister Anne: (on phone) Handicap! Mental Handicap!
Pope: (fiddles with his lips) Blee, blee, blee, blee, blee!
Sister Anne: (on phone) The priest said that people with mental handicaps might end up in Hell! Is that true?!
Pope: Burp! Uh! Eh! (fiddles with his lips) Blee, blee, blee, blee, blee!
(Sister Anne sits still.)
(Cut to a Cross Walk. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are about to walk across the road to get to Church.)
Stan: C'mon! The stupid light won't change!
(Tokken, Butter, Clyde, and Bebe enter.)
Tokken: (to the other kids who are just entering.) C'mon! Hurry up! (to Stan, Cartman and Kenny.) Hey! What're you guys doin'?!
Stan: We're goin' to church! We sinned, and so we have to confess again!
Butters: Uh, us too! We saw a picture of a naked lady! W'we could see her whole beaver!
Clyde: Yeah! If we died right now, we'd have unclean souls and we'd burn in hell!
(the light changes.)
Stan: Well, c'mon! Let's go! (the kids start to cross the street. A bus runs over Kenny and takes his whole body for its ride. There is not a trace of Kenny left on the Cross Walk, not a scrap of flesh and not a drop of blood; it's all on the bus that had driven away.)
Stan: OH, MY GOD! THEY KILLED KENNY!
Butter: He had sins that he didn't confess!
Cartman: And he never took communion!
Stan: He's doomed!
Clyde: We gotta get to that church before WE die!
Cartman: Yeah!
(The kids continue to cross the street very carefully.)
(Cut to Hell. River Styx Condominiums. Chris and Satan are in bed. Chris puts some sexy moves on Satan.)
Chris: Yeah! That's hot! You take it! You take it now!
Satan: Chris, what're you doing?!
Chris: I'm just...I'm just trying to be a little more naughty in bed! I know that's what you liked about sex with Saddam! I'm just showing you that I can be that way too!
Satan: (sarcastically) Oh, boy!
Chris: (continues the naughty moves) Uh huh! Yeah! You like that! Don't you, bitch!? I'm a bad boy! Yeah! Take that!
Satan: Chris, just don't! Don't do that!
Chris: But it turns you on!
Satan: No, it...uh...when Saddam did it, yeah, but...
Chris: But what?!
Satan: Nothing! I just...I'm just...really tired is all! Can we...just...please go to sleep?! Chris, seriously! I'm just tired! Okay?! (goes to sleep.)
Chris: Okay! (goes to sleep.) I love you, Satan!
Satan: I love you too, Saddam!
Chris and Satan: WHAH!
Satan: Whah! Oh, I'm sorry! I mean Chris!
Chris: It's okay! It's okay! I, uh, I, I understand! I do!
Satan: I just need to go get some air, okay! I'll be back r'really quick! (gets out of bed and leaves.)
Chris: Yeah! Sure! Okay!
(Cut to South Park Church. The kids arive running.)
Cartman: C'mon! Hurry up!
Stan: (knocks on the door) Oh, no! It's locked!
Cartman: What?! No! It can't be locked! We have to confess! (raps on the door.) WE HAVE TO CONFESS OUR SINS BEFORE WE DIE!
Butters: Hey! There's a window in the back that's usually open!
(the kids all go to the back and into the church through the open window. Pan inside the church.)
Stan: The confession box is over there!
Cartman: I'M FIRST! I'M FIRST!
(the kids all head toward the Confessional Booth. Pan to the Confessional Booth. Cartman opens the confessor's side of the box and sees Mrs. Donovan with her dress pulled up.)
Mrs. Donovan: Oh! He, he, he! (Cartman closes the door)
Cartman: What the...?! (Opens the other door to find Priest Maxi, with his pants pulled down, who has been having sex with Mrs. Donovan up her ass. The kids are all shocked.)
Priest Maxi: (pulls up his pants.) Whoa! Son of a bitch!
Mrs. Donovan: (opens her door.) Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Heh! (runs out.)
Priest Maxi: Uhhhh! Kids! Uh!
Stan: YOU'RE A SINNER!
Cartman: You're doing un-natural things in the house of God!
Priest Maxi: Oh! Uh! Uh! OH, FORGIVE ME, HEAVENLY FATHER! I'VE SINNED AGAINST YOU!
Cartman: Aw! This guy is so gonna burn!
Priest Maxi: M'MRS. DONOVAN IS A TEMPTRESS FROM HELL! B'HOO, HOO, HOO!
Stan: Dude, if this guy's going to hell, who's gonna save us?!
Cartman: Well, it looks like we're gonna have to save Timmy, Kyle, and everyone else in this town from the angry hand of God ourselves!
(Cut to Hell. Mount Evista. Satan is walking towards the Bargain Hotel.)
Hellion #2: (hanging from chains) Oh, the pain! Oh, the pain!
(Satan looks at the key to room sixteen.)
Satan: No! I can't! (He sees the Bargain Hotel just ahead.) What'm I doing?! I know this is the wrong thing to do! I could lose Chris! I can't do this! I can't do this! (turns around and starts to walk away, but turns back again.)
(Cut to South Park Street Corner. Cartman is standing on top of a box holding a bible and preaching to all the kids of South Park.)
Cartman: WE HAVE AH REPEATEDLY BROKEN GOD'S COMMANDMENTSAH! WE HAVE LIVED OUR LIVES FOR OURSELVESAH, TOTALLY IGNORING THE LORDAH! (all the grown-ups of South Park, and some kids, gather at a distance witnessing Cartman doing his sermon on the Street Corner.) IF THE HAND OFFEND, THEN CUT IT OFF! IT IS MUCH BETTER FOR THEE TO...
Randy: Oh, what the hell are they doing now?!
Sister Anne: Oh, no!
Cartman: ...ENTER IN NEW LIFE LAME THAN HAVING NEW HANDS GOING TO HELLAH, INTO FIRE THAT WILL NEVER BE QUENCHEDAH!
Stan: (handing out pamphlets) Pamphlet! Pamphlet! (gives one to Wendy. The pamphlet reads "Kids Against Hell. Ezekiel 5:10.)
Cartman: THERE IS ONLY ONE ANSWER! AS KIDS, WE MUST ABANDON THIS TOWN OF SIN AND START ANEW!
(Marcie, a little girl, and her family are standing with the other grown ups at the distance.)
Marcie: I don't wanna go to Hell! (goes to join the followers of Kids Against Hell.)
Cartman: IT WILL BE A LONG ROAD, BUT AT THE END OF THAT ROAD IS SALVATION, AND I AM GOING TO LEAD YOU THERE!
(Closing Credits. To Be Continued.)