Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip, that started from this Nippon port aboard this tiny ship. The mate was a mighty sword-slinger, the skipper tall and pale, five passengers set out that day on a three-hour sail, a three-hour sail. The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed, if not for the courage of the fearless crew, the Noonza would be lost, the Noonza would be lost. They hit the ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle, with Gourrigan, the Red Priest too, the chimera man and his leech, the sorceress, the Trickster and Firia...here on Gourrigan's Isle!

Catboy the Mighty #7
the Spring Special - FINALE
Baseball Season.
 


     *First, there was darkness. Darkness and emptiness. And then....”

Saturn: “It’s still the spring special, and what else happens in spring?”

Quill: “You mean aside from mating?”

Asuka: “I don’t even want to know any more.”

Del: “Now I’m frightened.”

Gourrigan: “Who turned out the lights?”

Lina: “Quit stalling Saturn and tell us!”

Saturn *grins* “BASEBALL SEASON!!”

All: “WHAT?!”

     *The lights flick on, revealing a very large baseball diamond, with the entire cast and crew standing in the center of the field. An audience of immense size has gathered to watch the Gourrigan’s Island crew do battle with the guest writer and his gang.*

Orion: “What the bloody fuck?” *is spirited away to the announcer’s booth* “Ok, now what the bloody fuck is going on around here?!”

     *down on the field the group has split into two teams, and both teams wander off to the locker rooms to change into appropriate outfits for the game, leaving the baseball diamond empty for a little while*

Orion *paces about the announcer booth* “Will they just hurry up and put me out of my misery. Gods... this is such an embarrassment to the Warrior guild.”

Saturn *from the center of the stadium* “THEN PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR WORLD ROCKED!”

     *the lights flash off for a minute, then flash back on, revealing the two teams in appropriate baseball garb, with the exception of Saturn, who is dressed as team manager for the Saturn team. The Queen of Swords, on the other hand, is dressed as manager for the Slayers team. Both managers stand at the center of the field and wave up to the announcer box*

Saturn & QoS* “Hiiiiiiiiii Andrew.”

Orion *sighs* “Shoot me... shoot me now.”

Announcer: “Introducing the finale to the most insanely fucked up....”

Orion *muttered* “Not to mention longest in production....”

Announcer: “Spring special ever......”

Saturn *beams* “And inspired by an episode of ‘Mon Colle Knights’.”

Announcer: “BASEBALL SEASON!!”

     *the teams wander off to their respective parts of the field.... the Slayers team taking the field, the Saturn team up for bat. Saturn and the Queen of Swords blow raspberries at each other before retiring to their respective dugouts*

announcer: "And now, to complete this chaotic spring special, I shall now scream the words that will make anybody happy.”

Orion: “The End?”

Announcer *smirks* “No deary,” *is glared at by Orion* “PLAY BALL!”

Orion: *sighs* "And now  I'm officially embarrassed." *is surrounded in a flash of light and is dressed in announcer clothes* "Wow.... so I don't have to play the game this time?"

announcer: "Nope. You get to announce. I'm going on vacation so I’m outta here *vanishes*

Orion: "Ok. We have a wonderful game planned for today. Lina's pitching for the Slayers team, and she's got one mean fastball."

     Lina's standing on the plate, her long red hair pulled up in a ponytail. She's wearing a woman's baseball uniform, complete with skintight shorts. She grins at Zelgadis, who's dressed for the umpire part, and winks before going into her windup.

Orion: "And batting for the Saturn team.... Gourrigan Gabriev?!"

Lina & Zel: "GOURRIGAN!?!"

     Gourrigan steps up to the plate, wearing a men's baseball uniform with the symbol for Saturn on the shoulders. He hefts his bat and grins at Lina, bish bubbles floating up around him.

Lina: "You traitor! Prepare to fry." *she continues her windup, a globe of flames forming in her hand.* "Ready.... aim..... Fire.... BALL!!!!"

     Lina pitches the fireball at Gourrigan, and the spell screams through the air, gaining power as it heads for its target. Gourrigan swings his bat, gritting his teeth as wood strikes fireball. There's a mighty explosion, and when the dust clears Gourrigan's been toasted to a cinder.

Orion: "And it looks like Gourrigan's out due to a technicality with a fireball and a wooden bat."

Saturn *sweat drops* "I told him to use an aluminum bat *sighs* YOGURT BRAIN!"

Celia: "My turn?"

Saturn *nods* "Yup. You're up, and make it good."

     The gorgeous vampyress steps up to the plate, a globe of energy forming in her hand. She grasps this, a large bat forming from it. She adjusts her hat and shakes her butt a little before glaring at Lina.

Lina: "All set to strike out, bloodsucker?"

Celia: "Bring on the noise, flaming bitch."

     Lina drops back into her windup, a large fireball forming in her hand. She continues her windup and hurls the fireball at Celia, grinning evilly as the spell screams down the field. Celia swings, a mighty CRACK filling the air as bat meets ball. Lina ducks a moment later as the fireball screams over her head. Amelia ducks and covers as the fireball screams at her, and Xellos, who's in the outfield, leaps into the path of the fireball and winds up being roasted to a cinder. The explosion sends the mazoku sailing out of the stadium.

Xellos: "Arigatoooooo....."

Orion: "And he's out of the park! Home run for the Saturn team!"

     Celia bounces down the field, which gets an immediate reaction from all the men in the stadium. Even Orion can't take his eyes off of her, and finds himself drooling a little. He wipes his mouth on his sleeve before regaining composure.

Orion: "And next up for the Saturn team..... Delwynndwn Siele."

Del *steps up to the plate and sighs* "I hate my life right now."

Quill *on the sidelines dressed as a cheerleader* "Go Del! go Del! Go out there and give 'em hell!"

Rune: *to Tenal* "How long have they had cheerleaders in baseball?"

Tenal *to Rune* "No idea... but it looks like they're having fun."

     Camera pans to the sidelines, where Sadie, Bekka, and Quill are dressed in cheerleader uniforms and bouncing about while cheering for their team. Across the field Martina, Naga, and Zangalus are in cheerleading outfits in the colors for the Slayers team. Zangalus obviously isn't impressed by the uniform, but Martina can't stop laughing.

Lina: "So elf, ready to become extra crispy."

Del *sighs* "I suppose so *swings metal bat about for a moment before assuming batting stance*

Saturn cheerleaders: "Go team, go team, if you don't win we'll kick and scream! GOOOOOOOOO TEAM!" *assorted flips, jumps, and splits*

     In right field Rezo gets an eyeful of the cheerleaders and nosebleeds. A fireball from Lina sends him screaming into orbit along with Xellos.

Orion: "And that's a five yard penalty for the Slayers team for blowing up their own player."

Lina: "Oh, cram it!" *lobs fireball at announcer box*

     Orion ducks and covers as the roof of the announcer box is blasted off by the explosion.

Orion *sits up, glasses askew, with a flak helmet on* "Another ten yard penalty for trying to blow up the announcer!"

Lina *fumes and begins collecting dark power into her hands* "Then you'll love this one. Draaaaaagon..... SLAAAAAAVE!!"

     Orion leaps to safety seconds before the announcer box and part of the stadium are reduced to nothingness by Lina's furious Dragon Slave. The warrior lands on top of Alex, who mutters a few curses before throwing Orion back into the bleachers.

Mina: "Ouch... get your elbow out of my stomach!"

Serena: "Yeah, you pervert! Leach! Creep!!"

     Orion is beaten, punched, and kicked a few times before managing to get away.

Orion: "Oooo-kay. Those are two very angry blondes... make that bleached blonds *is hit by errant flying shoe* Also, Miss Lina Inverse can hit the showers. You're thrown out of the game!"

Lina *more fuming* "Why I ougtha!!!"

L-sama (voice from above) "Lina Inverse, hit the showers... or else!!"

     Lina cowers before running for the locker room, several lightning bolts striking in her wake.

Saturn: "Wow.. that's one pissed off dark lord."

Del: "I'm still waiting. Who's the new pitcher?"

     Amelia bounces onto the field, wearing an official Slayers baseball uniform that's a little tight with her overdeveloped chest.

Orion: "The new pitcher for the Slayers team is Miss Amelia Will Tesela Seyruun."

Amelia: "Ok Mister Delwynndwn. Prepare to feel the all mighty hammer of justice!"

crowd: "JUST PITCH THE DAMNED BALL ALREADY!!"

Amelia *cringes before winding up* "Feel the hammer of justice!! DAMU BRAAS!!"

     A globe of crimson energy screams down the field. Delwynndwn swings, making contact with the spell with his bat. A moment later he finds himself shaking like there's no tomorrow as the spell energy is released.

Del: *shuddering* "What... the hell... iss thaaaaaattt???"

     A dust cloud forms around the elf, and a moment later assorted articles of clothing, as well as a baseball bat, fly from the cloud. Saturn gets hit in the face by something, and winces when he finds out it's Del's underwear.

Saturn: "Ok.. now that is just wrong! WHO THE HELL IS WRITING THIS CRAP?!"

     Scene shifts to Saturn's pocket dimension office, where a couple of rogue sprites are chuckling evilly while rewriting the plot for the day's episode.

Orion: "Can we get a fan down there?? And maybe a change of clothes for that elf?"

     A breeze blows across the field, clearing out the dust cloud. A black 'CENSORED' box appears over Del's midsection as the elf picks himself up off of the ground. He shakes his head, then glares at Amelia, who recoils in horror.

Del *growls* "Now I'm officially pissed off. Bat!"

     Ayla hands him a bat.

Del: "All right, Miss Love and Justice. Prepare to face my wrath!"

Amelia *shudders* "This is getting scary."

crowd: "PITCH! PITCH! PITCH! PITCH! PITCH!!"

Xellos: "Bitch bitch bitch. Pitcher's got a big butt!"

     The Mazoku priest, who had since returned from orbit, finds himself on the business end of one of L-sama's lightning bolts. He doesn't even bother to thank her for frying him to a cinder.

Amelia: "HAMMER OF JUSTICE!!"

     The princess winds up and hurls a fireball at Del, who grits his teeth and puts his full force into the swing. Bat meets fireball, sending the spell screaming back at Amelia, who looks on in wide eyed horror before it catches her in the chest and blasts her out of the park.

Orion: "And she's going... going... going..."

     Amelia collides with the scoreboard, leaving a princess shaped dent in it. She slowly slides down the surface before falling twenty feet to the field below.

Orion: *winces* "Well.... that looks like it had to hurt. I guess we could *technically* call it a home run, since she almost went over the wall."

Del *waving from home plate* "We already went around the bases while you were talking so we've got two more runs *flashes victory sign*

Celia: "Del, you might wanna put some clothes on. You're scaring the audience."

Del *looks down, then turns beet red* "I feel so violated right now."

Saturn *cackles* "And to think that this game is simulcast in HDTV. *snickers* "Oh man... this is gonna be one for the record book."

     Saturn is roasted to a cinder by one of Del's lightning based attacks.

Orion: "And the big question of the game is... who will be the new pitcher for the Slayers team? Lina and Amelia are out of action."

Naga *laughter echoing through the stadium. People scream and dive for cover as the cheerleader - turned - player struts up to the pitcher's mound. Her uniform barely covers more than her normal outfit, with the exception of the skin tight mega short shorts* "I am Naga, the white serpent, and I shall pitch for our team!"

Xellos *cringes* "We're doomed."

Cid: "You're giving up already? I thought you were into that bondage crap!"

Xellos: "Bondage yes. But when it comes to Naga I steer clear of everything."

Naga *laughs some more*

Cid *shudders* "You're right. She is freaking scary."

Orion: "Next up for the Saturn Team will be... Seifer Almasy."

     Seifer steps up to the plate, pulling his helmet down low over his eyes. A smirk crosses his lips as he gets into batting stance. Naga smiles and pulls her hat lower before going into her windup. She leans back, her very overdeveloped chest overbalancing her so that she falls backwards onto her ass. A sweat drop forms on Seifer's head.

Seifer: "Somebody get their team a new pitcher 'cause if she keeps doing that I'll be here all day."

Orion *sighs* "Relief pitcher for the Slayers team, please report to mound. Master Vrumagan, please report to the pitcher's mound to relieve Naga the serpent."

     Vrumagan floats out of the Slayers team dugout and crosses the field, passing Naga on his way. As he takes the mound he throws back his hood and cloak, revealing that he too is wearing a Slayers team uniform.

Vrumagan: "Say your prayers."

Seifer *yawns* "Just pitch the damned ball already!"

Vrumagan: "If you insist. Fireball!"

     Seifer swings, misses, and blinks as the fireball splits into multiple fireballs that zero in on him and blow him up.

Zelgadis: "He's.... OUT!"

Saturn: "Umpire needs glasses 'cause he's blind as a bat!"

     Zel turns and glares at Saturn, who bats his eyes innocently.

Saturn: "Would you rather I said you had a big butt??"

     Zel sighs, a sweat drop forming on his head before he returns his gaze to the field.

Seifer *stumbles from the plate and falls face first into the dugout* "Ouch."

Bekka: "You guys wanna hurry this game up? We're getting bored!"

Quill: "And my poor Delwynndwn is still naked."

crowd *sweat drops*

Orion *sighs as well* "Wow... announcing baseball is a hazardous job, especially when the players know magical spells that can level half of the stadium."

Queen of Swords *struts up to the plate, shakes her butt a little in Zel's face* "I guess I'm up to bat, and I'm calling the sudden death rule."

all: "The sudden death rule?!"

QoS: *nods* "Yup, meaning that if I hit this thing there may be sudden death for the other team."

     Everyone around her falls over as she cackles.

Orion: "And the Queen of Swords had pulled the Sudden Death Ruling play. If she can hit the ball, the Saturn team instantly wins and the other team gets blasted into oblivion."

Martina: “Hey! When did she cross over to the Saturn team?!”

QoS *bats eyes at Martina* “I stand up for guest writers everywhere, especially when they’re facing one of the longest and most destructive baseball games in history!”

Cid *flails* "This isn't fair! Saturn loves me! He'd be heartbroken if something bad happened to me."

Vincent *from Saturn dugout* "Well Cid, it's been real, but it looks like you're going for a fall *blows a kiss to the fuming pilot*

QoS: "So, Vrumagan, you gonna hurry up and pitch, or am I gonna have to get kinky?" *smirks and blows a kiss his way*

Vrumagan *shudders* “I’m doomed, but oh well.” *winds up for the pitch* “FIIIIIIRRREEEEEE.... BALLLLLLLLLLL!!!” *lobs large flaming ball at the Queen of Swords*

audience *falls silent*

Orion *barely breathing* “Hit.... hit.... hit... hit...”

Audience *picks up on the cheer* “Hit... hit... hit... hit... hit...”

Saturn: “Hit... hit... hit... hit...”

Zel *looks at the Queen’s butt and begins to nosebleed* “wow... super short shorts... you can see everything in those.”

QoS *turns head, glares at Zel, and clobbers him with the bat before smashing the fireball into orbit* “It’s going.... going... going....”

Zel *looks up, his eyes spinning* “It’s....”

all: “GONE!”

Orion: “And the crowd goes wild!”

Audience *very appopletically* “Yay.”

Orion: “I said ‘and the crowd goes wild’.”

Audience *loud cheering and throwing of bodies, clothing, etc*

QoS *dances around the baseball diamond* “We win! We win! We win!!”

Zel *is in considerable pain* “I hate my life.”

L-sama: “I knew it was going to turn into something like this.” *sighs*

Xellos: “I want to be roasted again.”

QoS *picks Xellos up, kisses him passionately, and smashes him into the ground with a very large astral hammer* “Sorry hon, but I’ll put you into more pain later. Right now we have to have a large victory celebration.”

Orion: “This is Andrew McAnirlin, a.k.a. Warrior Orion, signing off for Gourrigan’s Island and Slayers Fantasy baseball. Goodnight.”

Saturn *grabs Orion by the ear and pulls him down to the diamond* “Sit boy.”

Orion *blinks* “What?” *is pulled face first to the ground by some unexplainable force.”

Saturn *pats Orion on the head* “Good boy. Now.... KILL!” *points to the Slayers team, who are looking at Saturn with extreme horror and shock*

Orion *growls and charges down the field at the Slayers team* “DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIIIIIEEEE!!!!!!!”

All “CUTTT!!!!!!!”

     *and all fades to black as Amelia’s scream fills the air*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     The lights flick on, revealing Alex / Saturn, Andrew / Orion, Asuka, Lina, Del, and Quill, all dressed in casual yet dressy outfits: sun dresses for the girls, and Hawaiian print shirts and dress slacks for the guys.

Asuka: “Once again, I’m scared of what you guys can drudge up from anything that has happened with this damned Spring Special.”

Del: “Don’t be scared... this happens all the time.”

Asuka: “Now I’m officially scared.” *wanders off to watch ‘Whose Line Is It Anyway’* *mutters* “At least their ad-libbing is better than the crap on this show.”

Andrew: “Well, she’s gone. So now what are we showing?”

Alex: "Oh, just a montage of blooper clips from past shows and fanfics."

Andrew: “Is that all?!”

Alex *shrugs* “Yeah.... that’s all for tonight.”

Lina: "Another montage? Geeze... is this an epidemic or something?"

Orion: "Nah... we've just been too busy to really find some decent bloopers from the episode."

Del: "The entire mini series was a blooper that should have been snuffed out a LONG time ago."

Quill: "Well, at least *somebody* agrees with me about this."

Alex *sighs and summons a fireball* "Don't aggrevate he who fireballs with alarming frequency."

     Alex is suddenly struck with several bolts of lightning, and the camera pans over to off stage, where Asuka, Rune, and Tenal are chuckling. Tenal has electricity sparking around his fingers, and the other two are on the verge of falling over from laughing so hard.

Alex *glares* "I'll get my revenge on the lot of ya when the show's over!"

Lina *rubs temples* "Just roll the damned tape before I cast the Dragu Slave and sprock all of us!"

Orion: "And without further adieau.... this weird montage of Alex's... done to the 1812 overture?"

Alex: "And roll tape!"

<BLOOPERS!>

     The music begins and sounds quite peaceful. The usual 1812 overture bit. La lalalalala lala la LA!! *BOOM* It's on the booms when the universe belches forth a somewhat disorganized mage.

Belch #1 involves Alex actually falling out of a portal about fifteen feet from the ground and landing on his face, his butt straight up in the air.

Belch #2 is another fall out of a portal, this time directly into a dumpster of the world's filthiest garbage from the world's worst fast food restauraunt.

Belch #3 is him being thrown from the portal on a diagonal course, directly into a small cluster of garbage cans that rattle and crash about after he lands.

Belch #4 features several other people falling out of the portal, all landing on top of the mage, who twitches for several minutes after everyone gets off of him.

Belch #5 and #6 take place in Manhattan. It looks like he couldn't get it right on the first take, so they had to do two takes. In both takes he falls out of the sky and lands in the middle of a fire fight. The camera gets whacked on the first take, and on the second take he throws caution to the wind and Fireballs everyone in the area.

Belch #7 is one of his trips between dimensions with a couple of friends. On the exit from subspace the three of them wind up missing their pants, which float down from twenty feet up about five minutes after they've crash landed in the middle of a busy town.

Belch #8 involves Alex and Star being thrown out of subspace into a lake. Both mage and cat emerge from the water looking rather drowned or half drowned.

The 9th and final belch appears to be from the mini series, and took place before the blooper section and the thank yous. Alex falls out first, followed by Del, then Orion, then Quill, then Lina, then Xellos (who lands on his head), then Zelgadis, who lands on top of Alex after everyone else has moved out of the way. Filia and everyone else from the cast manage to emerge from the portal perfectly fine, only they all land on the somewhat unconscious guest writer who twitches even more after every successful landing on his spleen.

<And back to the studio....>

Alex *winces* "Ok... those were some painful memories."

Orion: "They looked rather... amusing."

Alex *grumbles and creates a hole under Orion, who falls in. A moment later Orion screams out of the sky and crashes through the stage. Alex grins* "Victory."

Del: "And thus we end this wonderful misadventure...."

Quill: "Don't you mean adventure into hell?"

Del *sighs* "Yes. This wonderful adventure into hell... on a positive note."

Alex: "The queen of swords is renewing my contract for another ten episodes?"

     The cast and crew grumble. Alex sweat drops.

Lina: "Gourry's gonna give me his sword of light."

Zelgadis: "You found a cure for my condition."

Del: "No. Better. Quill and I are going to be engaged."

All: "Say WHAT?!"

Alex: "ROLL THE CREDITS!!"

<music: 'Don't Be Discouraged'>

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     Sylphiel walks onto the stage, followed a moment later by Filia, Bekka, and Kanzal.

Sylphiel: “What a crock! We didn’t get nearly as much screen time as Del and Saturn had originally intended.”

Bekka: “We technically weren’t supposed to be in the episode, but Sadie simply had to see everyone and glomp Zelgadis and make a complete butt of herself.”

Kanzal: “I spent most of the second chapter locked in a closet with the Queen of Swords.”

     Sylphiel and Filia glare at him.

Filia: “Whatever. We have a blooper clip of our own that we demand be shown!”

Bekka *produces the tape and slips it into the deck* “Rolling.”

     BLOOPER!!

     Filia and Sylphiel are standing in the middle of the cornfield on Del’s old farm, both up to their ankles in natural bovine excrement. Tenal’s standing a short distance away, snicking at both of them.

Tenal: “Man, you guys really need to work on your aim for those holy shitballs of yours. You’ll never be able to defeat evil at this rate.”

Filia *scoops up a ball of shit* “You wanna bet!” *fills the manure with holy power and lobs it at Tenal, missing him by a mile*

Tenal *whistles* “Man, you guys couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn.”

Sylphiel: “Yes we can.”

     The shrine maiden proceeds to prove her point... or Tenal’s point... by scooping up a ball of shit, charging it with holy power, and lobbing it in the general direction of the old barn. Tenal watches the ball sail through the air and miss the barn by half a mile.

Tenal *whistles again* “Told ya. You guys have some of the worst aim I’ve ever seen.”

Sylphiel & Filia *look at each other and smirk* “Darkness beyond twilight, crimson beyond blood that flows....”

Tenal *looks at the camera* *whimpers* “Cut...”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >^.^< ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bekka *snickers* “So that’s where you guys came up with the holy shitball attack?”

Sylphiel *nods* “Yeah.... we came up with it when we went in search of dear Gourrigan...”

Filia: “Actually it was one of those improvised moments between takes. Tenal was asking for it, and we delivered.”

Kanzal: “Wow. You guys are harsh.”

Filia *grins* “Would you like to feel pain dear?”

Kanzal *shakes head* “No. No. That’s ok.”

Bekka *smiles* “I think I’ll go and see what my Oni is up to.” *opens a portal and exits* “Laters all.”

Filia: “I’m going off to find my husband... now where is that priest?”

Sylphiel *loops her arm around Kanzal’s* “And we’re going off so that I can make your body forget everything the queen did to it.”

Kanzal *blushes* “Oh... oh my.”

Sylphiel *waves and shuts the camera off*

    -END

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