Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip, that started from this Nippon port aboard this tiny ship. The mate was a mighty sword-slinger, the skipper tall and pale, five passengers set out that day on a three-hour sail, a three-hour sail. The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed, if not for the courage of the fearless crew, the Noonza would be lost, the Noonza would be lost. They hit the ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle, with Gourrigan, the Red Priest too, the chimera man and his leech, the sorceress, the Trickster and Firia...here on Gourrigan's Isle!

     It's a fairly normal morning on Gourrigan's Island. Well, as normal as any morning can be when the cast consists of a sorceress who fireballs without relent; a blond swordsman who's dumb as a sack of... rocks; a justice loving princess; a brooding chimera man; a priestess of the fire dragon king (currently on leave with her husband); a woman whose endowments rival her lack of brains and good taste; a blind priest (whose vision problem was cured by a certain guestwriter); a mystical swordsman and a princess of Xoana (both on leave enjoying their still ongoing honeymoon).
     The guest cast of the day..... Alexander West, aka Warrior Saturn; Asuka Langly Sohryu (the second child of Evangelion); the vampire called Spike; Andrew McAnirlin, aka Warrior Orion; and Runella Limone, aka Rune.

     The episode opens about ten days before Valentine's day....

Alex & Asuka: "THAT'S SINGLES AWARENESS DAY YA ASSHOLE!"

     I'm sorry.... Single's Awareness Day.... somewhere near the hut that the boys of Gourrigan's Island inhabit at certain times of the day. Asuka and Alex are sitting outside, leaning against the wall and watching the world pass them by.

Alex: "I'm bored."

Asuka: "Yup."

Alex: "I'm really bored."

Asuka *still watching the clouds pass by* "Yup."

Alex *dies of boredom and becomes a spirit that walks among the living* "I think I just died of boredom."

Asuka *still watching the clouds* "Yup."

Alex *sighs, crawls back into his body, and resumes being bored* "We need to shag something."

Asuka *hops up, tears off her sun dress revealing a Britney Spears midriff top and a pair of tight shorts. Pulls a mic out of nowhere and begins to sing* "RAPE ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!!"

Zel *walks out of the boy's hut* "Geeze... get a little more random why don't you?"

Alex *looks up at Zel* "We're bored."

Zel: "And this is somebody who complains about never finishing any projects. Godess damn it Alex, finish writing one thing before starting something else."

Alex *yawns* "But that's boring, and I eventually get my projects done..."

Zel: "They're still waiting for the Spring Special, and now you're writing a Valentine's...."

Asuka & Alex: "SINGLES AWARENSESS DAY!"

Zel *sighs* ".... Special. And do you even have an idea of what you're doing with this one?"

Alex *smirks and produces a script* "Oh, I have some ideas of what could happen." *winks at Asuka*

Asuka *pulls out her copy of the script, reads the title, and smirks evilly* "Wow Alex, you're quite evil today."

Alex *grins* "I know." *hands Zel the script*

     Zelgadis reads the title of the script and arches an eyebrow, then looks at how the guest writer and Asuka are grinning.

Zel: "Oh goddess no! Who are you pairing me with this time?! And it had better not be Xellos again. I still shudder whenever I think about... that."

Alex *patpats Zel's shoulder* "Don't worry. It's not that bad. Besides, Xel is off with the Queen of Swords, thus leaving you perfectly safe from that mazoku fruitcake."

Asuka *stands up* "But gee Alex, who are you gonna pair him with?"

Alex *prefabricated smile* "Gee Asuka, I'm glad you asked."

Zel *shudders* "Why does that frighten me so?"

     Andrew walks out of the boys' hut and looks at the three that are standing there. He looks at what Asuka's wearing and instantly begins to drool.

Andrew: "Well hello..."

Asuka *sweatdrops* "What part of 'Get the fuck away from me!' Don't you understand?!" *pulls out a hand cannon and blows Andrew's nuts off*

Andrew *dies*

Alex & Zel *sweatdrop* "Wasn't that a little extreme?"

Asuka *shakes head and blows the smoke from the hand cannon barrel* "Nope. He got what he deserved."

Zel *changes the subject* "This title... 'The Layers'... it's gonna be hentai, isn't it?"

Alex *smirks and snaps fingers, changing the scene* "And open in the bedroom..."

     Zel suddenly finds himself in a lavishly decorated bedroom. The bedframe is wrought iron, and the bed is covered in red and black satin. Red satin curtains surround the bed and hang from the window. Zel himself is now wearing black silk pajamas, with the shirt open to show off his bare stomach.

Zel *blinks* "I'm definitely not in Kansas any more... and I'm not wearing any under...." *blushes*

Alex *from off camera* "And cue the bodacious babe..."

     Rune slinks into the room, wearing a slinky black neglagie and a filmy black overcoat, her hair pulled back with black barrettes. She sidles up to Zel and begins to rub against him.

Rune: "Oh Mister Zelgadis, I'm so.... hot.... I need your cool skin against me to... to...."

Zel *blushes crimson as his temperature skyrockets and something begins to stir in his pants* "Rune... a-hem..... what... what are you doing?"

Rune *puts her hands on Zel's shoulders, looks into his eyes, and kisses him deeply and passionately. She breaks away a moment later* "I've always wanted to do that. See what you taste like and how my lips would feel against yours."

Zel *sweatdrops* "SATURN! GET OUT HERE!"

Alex *sighs and slinks onto the stage wearing black jeans, a black button down shirt that's half open, and black combat boots* "What's the problem now?"

Zel: "This script... it SUCKS!"

Alex: "But you're a porno stud Zel. You're always rock hard..." *pokes Zel below the navel, causing the chimera to blush even redder* "And the ladies dig that. You'll have rabid fangirls all over you, and you'll never have to worry about self service again."

Zel *blushes even redder* "That's not the point. This is such cliche crap."

Alex: "What do you expect from me? I haven't gotten laid for MONTHS for fuck's sake!"

Zel *sighs and rubs his head* "What's the next scene?"

Alex *smirks* "Hey Asuka, cue the next scene."

Asuka *by a control board* "Next scene, coming up!" *flips a switch*

     Zel is suddenly in the kitchen, wearing a pair of tight jeans and a cut off flannel shirt that shows off his chest and arms. He's also wearing a utility belt, and is apparently supposed to be fixing something. Naga walks in, wearing a purple midriff top and a pair of cutoff shorts while sucking on a popsicle.

Zel *suddenly finds his jeans a bit tighter* "Na.... Na... Naga?!"

Naga *licks the popsicle from top to bottom* "What? Not interested in popsicle love?"

Zel: "Not with you, no! Are you drunk?! What did Saturn have to pay you to do this?!"

Naga *looks at him and purrs* "Nothing. Well, he offered me all the popsicles and bishiepops I could eat... which I gladly accepted."

Zel *sighs* "Figures. So what's supposed to happen in this scene?"

Naga *reaches into her top and pulls out her copy of the script* "Let's see... the sink's broken, and you're here to fix it and I'm supposed to seduce you. Then we make mad passionate love on the counter, the floor, and find new uses for tools."

Zel *turns pale* "So what happens first?"

Naga: "You get on your back and start looking at the pipes under the sink."

Zel *kneels down, opens the cupboard under the sink, turns onto his back, and wedges himself in* "Like this?"

Naga *staring at the bulge in Zel's pants* "Yeah... just like that."

Zel *begins to tinker with the pipes* "This isn't so bad.... at least it's not Amelia and not Lina and not..." *feels Naga groping him* "What the?!" *sits up, hits his head on the pipes, and knocks himself unconscious*

Naga *looks in* "Oh my.... somebody cut the tape and go to commercial!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<commercial>

     A beautiful female elf with long blond hair is sitting on a beach chair, staring out at the ocean, the sun shining off of every inch of her body. She pulls a lolly pop from her mouth and licks it a few times.

Kyr *in a very sexy sultry voice* "Bishiepops is now coming out with new flavors, like chocolate with cherry filling, cherry with chocolate filling, and chococherry mix. They're also coming out with some equally delicious trading cards." *holds up a card of Seifer taking his shirt off* "They're in stores now, so go out and get them."

Rune: "I always enjoy a very delicious cherry Zel before every take."

Kyr & Rune: "Get 'em now."

<end commercial>

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lina *dancing like nobody's watching* "Oh boobies boobies, my chest was supposed to grow...."

Alex *whispers loudly* "Lina, you're on camera..."

Lina: "... bigger mamaries..i want them to show now, oh, because... my chest flatness, was killing me. I must confess, I paid for these..... I look.... WHAT?!" *stops dancing and glares* "Goddess damn it Alex! Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

Alex *shrugs* "Not nearly as bad as Naga."

    The camera pans over to where Naga is singing and dancing to the same song.

Naga: "See me barely wearing clothes now, oh, because, my chest flatness is killing me. I must confess I paid for these. I look thirty two, I'm just a child. I am a crime. Make my boobies one more size!" *strikes a pose and looks at the camera* "Damn. You people suck for embarrassing Naga the serpant!"

Lina: "Could be worse."

Naga *glares* "How could it be worse, oh flat chested one?"

Lina: "They could be taping your backup dancers."

    The camera pans yet again to see ten Naga clones dancing quite out of synch to Naga's gyrations. Naga sighs and looks at Lina pityingly.

Naga: "They need work, don't they?"

Lina: "Like, DUH, goldfish feces. So, when's my scene in this damned production?"

Alex: "As soon as Zelgadis recovers from his concussion. Hey Amelia, how's that recovery spell coming?"

Amelia *wearing a skimpier version of her normal outfit* "He's still unconscious, Mister Alex. Should we ask Mister Spike to fill in for him? Or should we get Mister Gourrigan, or revive Mister Andrew."

Asuka *storms on, having changed back into her sundress* "If you revive that pervert I'll simply have to blow his balls off again."

Alex: "Why not revive him, but not fix his groin?"

Naga: "Is this production ever going to get finished? I mean, we're on a budget and a schedule and trying to finish this damned thing by that dreaded holiday is going to be hell on all of us."

Zel *sits up, rubbing his head* "What the fuck hit me?"

Alex: "Oh, you knocked yourself out under the sink when Naga grabbed your pipe."

Zel *looks at what he's wearing and facefaults* "You guys are really sick and twisted."

Alex & Asuka *bat eyes* "Why thank you."

Zel: "So who's my next scene with?"

Alex: "With miss 'Make my boobies one more size'." *snickers*

Lina *turns crimson* "Darkness beyond twilight, crimson beyond blood that flows..."

Asuka: "Lina, you can blow him up later all you want. Right now we're on a tight schedule and need to shoot as many scenes as possible."

Lina *sighs* "All right, all right. Asuka, hit the switch and start the scene."

Asuka *smirks* "Thought you'd never ask." *waltzes over to the all mighty control board of destiny and flicks the switch*

     Lina is suddenly stretched out on a deck chair wearing a very skimpy red bikini, a set of dark glasses over her eyes as she soaks up the rays, her hair pulled back into a loose ponytail. Nearby stands Zel, wearing tight faded blue jeans, black combat boots, and dark glasses while holding a pool strainer. The chimera looks at Lina and blushes crimson, since he knows this sick and twisted fantasy all too well.

Lina *sits up and slids her glasses down* "Oh pool boy, why don't you come over here and rub some lotion on me so that I don't get sunburned."

Zel *sweatdrops* 'I'm gonna die a very painful death.'

Lina *slightly irritated* "I said come here poolboy and rub some lotion on me!"

Zel *sets the strainer down and slowly approaches where Lina's laying* "Yes mistriss, how may I serve you."

Lina *smirks and flips onto her stomach* "Rub some of that lotion on my back if you would." *reaches around back and unhitches her top* "And make sure to get some where my strap was... I don't want to worry about tan lines."

Zel *squirts some of the lotion into his palm, then rubs his hands together before he begins to massage it into Lina's skin* "Like this, mistriss?"

Lina *lets out a little bit of a moan* "Yes... just like that. Your hands are so cool... they feel wonderful against my hot and parched skin."

Zel *muttered to himself* "Saturn, I'm gonna kill you for this cheesey dialogue." *to Lina* "Where do you want me to rub now?"

Lina: "Rub lower please."

Zel *obliges and rubs the small of her back* "Lower?"

Lina: "Yes, lower please." *pulls the back of her bikini a little lower*

Zel *begins to nosebleed from the amount of flesh the sorceress is showing*

Lina *muttered to Zel* "And if you do anything I don't approve of then you'll be eating a Ragna Blade for lunch. Got it buster?!"

Zel *shudders* "Yes Mistriss."

Lina *smirks* "Good boy." *reaches out and begins to massage Zel's thigh* "And for your hard work I'll reward you handsomely."

Zel: "I can hardly wait to see how you reward me mistriss." *leans down and kisses the back of Lina's neck*

     In the control room Alex, Asuka, and Spike are crowded around a single monitor that shows what's happening to Zelgadis in the next section of the episode. Alex is licking yet another cherry lollypop, and Asuka and Spike are enjoying some as well. All three are snickering at what's happening to poor Zelgadis and Lina and how it must be taking everything in the sorceress' reserves to keep from blowing all of them up.

Spike: "That's rich. I figured she would have snapped while he was kissing the small of her back."

Asuka: "Make her boobies one more size... Puh-LEEZE!"

Alex *blinks as Zel loses his pants* "Holy crap... I didn't realize he was that large..."

all: "AND HE'S ROCK HARD!" *loud laughter*

Spike: "So, now what are we gonna do?"

Asuka: "We could sing karaoke...."

Alex: "Or go out back and shag while those two continue on their really bad porn trip."

Spike *smirks* "And cut to commercial."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<commercial>

    Spike walks onto camera, wearing only a pair of rather torn jeans. He holds up a jar of some sort, which the camera pans in to focus upon.

Spike: "Mister Zog's sex wax. It never spoils...."

Seifer *pokes his head into into the shot* "The best for your stick."

<end commercial>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Asuka, Alex, and Spike walk out from back stage, Alex wearing Spike's T-shirt, jeans, and jacket, Spike wearing Alex's shirt and jeans, and Asuka wearing a very skimpy black dress.

Spike: "I've seen London and I've seen France...."

Alex: "I think I'm wearing Asuka's underpants."

Asuka *blushes* "No wonder I'm feeling a draft." *giggles and blushes some more*

Alex *blushes as well* "They're so silky and comfortable..."

Spike *sighs* "You guys are wearped, you know that?"

Alex & Asuka *bat eyes at Spike* "You're just noticing?"

    Alex reaches into a nearby drawer for his stash of cherry lollypops, and pulls out a grape one. He looks at this and blinks.

Alex: "Shit. Don't tell me I ran out of what I need most right now."

Spike *grabs Alex's ass* "What? A good shagging?"

Alex *turns his head and smirks at the vampire before grabbing his crotch* "No, a cherry lollypop. If this sick and twisted fantasy is to continue I need proper inspirational food. Unfortunately, I think I only have grape left."

Asuka: "Even with all those bishie pops?"

Alex *nods and shudders* "I think we ate all the cherry ones writing the beginning of the fic. The rest is going to be full of sour crud."

Spike *sweatdrops and looks at the monitor* "Holy bloody fuck... Amelia and Gourrigan have joined Lina and Zelgadis by the pool and now it's a raging 4-some."

Alex & Asuka *smash Spike into the floor while leaping to look at the monitor* "LEMME SEE!"

Alex *jaw drops* "Ho-lee...."

Asuka *jaw drops as well* "... Shit. I didn't know that Gourrigan was that hung..."

Alex: "Or that Amelia was that much of a slut."

Spike *sits up and rubs his head* "That bloody 'urt you know."

Alex: "Oh, suck it up Spike. Wait, you already did in the back room."

Spike *begins to say something, but doesn't quite know what to say*

Asuka *sighs* "So now what?"

Alex: "Well, it looks like there's about to be quite the money shot from our two porno studs, and the two girls are screaming in pleasure..."

Spike: "So they're almost done?"

Alex: "Yup... they're almost done. Asuka, prepare to beam them out of the pornoverse."

Asuka *salutes and slinks over to the all mighty control board of destiny* "Give me a countdown..."

Alex: "Five... four.... three... two.... one... NOW!"

    Asuka flips the switch and the cast reappear in the studio, fully clothed and freshly hosed down. Lina immediately grabs Alex by the throat and begins to strangle him for what has just transpired in their world. Amelia bursts into tears and hides behind Gourrigan, who's glowing now that he's just been laid. Zelgadis limps over to the freezer and takes out some ice packs, which he immediately applies to his groin.

Lina: "Alexander Mathias West, I swear I'm gonna kill you if that tape ever gets out!"

Alex *bats eyes* "What tape? That was all done live and it's been broadcast all over the globe."

Lina *turns pale and blinks at Alex, a hurt look crossing her face* "You... you broadcast that?"

Alex & Asuka *nod* "Yup."

Asuka: "We were bored, and we needed a Single's Awareness Day episode..."

Alex: "Sooo.... we devised this little script."

Amelia: "I feel so dirty."

Lina: "I feel so used."

Zel: "I feel pain."

Spike *looks around* "Where are Sylphiel and Rezo?"

Asuka & Alex *look at each other* "Uh-oh."

    The cast rush over to the monitor, where they witness the shrine maiden and the red priest enjoying the cowboy / cowgirl fantasy. Alex and Asuka both turn green and rush off to puke their guts out. Lina sighs and simply blows up the monitor with a wave of her hand. She then turns to Spike, who sees how the sorceress is looking at him and runs.

Lina: "Come back here Spike and let me hurt you!"

Amelia *sighs* "So now what?"

Zelgadis *sits down in a chair and adjusts the ice* "We do what we should have done in the first place and cut the tape."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Later that afternoon Alex, Asuka, and Spike are sitting outside the boy's hut yet again, watching the ocean and the clouds and the wind blow the palmtrees about. Alex is sucking on yet another bishiepop, as are Asuka and Spike. A portal opens and out steps Delwynndwn and Quill, both of whom are grinning from ear to ear.

Del: "Hey Alex. Hi Asuka. Hello Spike."

Alex: "Yo."

Asuka *waves*

Spike: "What's happen' mate?"

Del: "Do you know what day is coming up soon?"

Alex, Asuka, Spike: "YES!" *glare*

Quill: "I don't think they're very pleased to see us right now Del."

Del: "Why do you suppose not?"

Alex *pulls out the all mighty Hammer of Justice and beats Del over the head with it* "It's bloody freaking Single's Awareness day for fuck's sake! WE'RE SINGLE!"

Del *is pounded into the sand up to his head* "Ouch. Ok. Ok. You win. owww... stop hitting me damnit!"

Alex *cackles loudly as he continues to hit Del* "NEVER!! A HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

Spike: "Shouldn't we help him?"

Asuka *shakes head* "Nah." *licks her lollypop erotically* "I think he's got it covered."

Spike *licks his own bishojo pop* "Gotcha."

Del *cries* "please make it stop! Please make it stop! please please please make it stop!"

Alex *cries echoing across the island* "NEVERRRRRRRRR!!!!!"

-End

    Zelgadis walks onto the screen after it's gone black and out at the audience.

Zel: "Wow... people still watch after it all fades to black? Don't you have a life or something?"

Alex *walks on behind him, still wearing Spike's clothes* "Geeze.... this is creepy. Why is the tape still rolling?"

Zel *shrugs* "I don't know why it's still going. What should we do? This is supposed to be our time off."

    Asuka, Spike, and Naga walk on.

Spike: "Are we still on the air?"

Alex *nods* "Yeah. We are."

Asuka: "Shit. Hang on..." *walks off the screen for a minute*

Naga: "What is she planning?"

all *shrug* "Dunno."

Asuka *walks back on with a minature version of the Control Board of Destiny* "Ok, I'm ready now."

all *shudder and recoil* "NOOOOOOO!!"

Asuka *sighs* "Relax, will ya. This will only change our outfits to something more appropriate."

Spike: "For what?"

Asuka *smirks and presses the button, changing their clothes to those of the cast of Rocky Horror Show* "And now cue up the music."

<music: 'The Time Warp' - Rocky Horror Show>

Zel: "It's just a jump to the left...."

all: "And a step to the riiiiight."

Spike: "Put your hands on your hips..."

Alex *smirks* "or someone else's." *puts his hands on Spike's hips."

Naga *puts her hands on her tits* "And tuck your knees in tight."

Asuka: "And it's the pelvic thrusts.. "

all (-Asuka): "Group sex! Group sex! Group sex!"

Asuka: "... that'll drive you insaaaaaane..."

all: "LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAAAIINN! LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!!"

-THE END (for real this time)