|
SPECIAL REPORT: Here's what I learned on my first trip to New York City at the ripe old age of 24. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 1) The Bronx has a surprising number of trees, all of which are adorned with trash bags, like diseased Christmas ornaments. Don't ask me why. 2) Everyone - and I mean everyone - wears nothing but black. At first I thought this was some sort of city-wide fashion statement, a chic style I wasn't aware of, but it turns out it's just a defense mechanism. It helps if you look like a bad-ass. Plus anything you wear that isn't black eventually gets so dirty you end up wearing black by the end of the day anyway. 3) Drunk people on the street have no qualms about asking you for money. If they put as much effort into looking for a job as they did into accosting strangers, they'd be gainfully employed in no time at all. 4) The subways are surprisingly clean. I even used a bathroom in Grand Central Station and it was a rather pleasant experience as far as those things go. 5) New York is actually rather reminiscent of Boston except it's infinitely bigger, there's infinitely more to do, and paradoxically, it's infinitely easier to get around. Or perhaps it's not such a paradox after all. New York was planned. Boston settlers just paved over the meandering cow paths, labeled them all one-way, eliminated all semblance of parking and called it Good. 6) Don't walk around the back streets of Chinatown at 1:00 in the morning. Trust me. 7) The little cafe on the roof of the Dia Center for the Arts in Chelsea has the best goddamn coffee I've ever tasted. 8) Asian women in general are shockingly fashionable. I didn't see one that was more than a single degree behind the fashion curve. This may sound stereotypical but it's true. 9) Women's fashions consist of this - platform Doc Martins; tight, flared hip huggers; silk shirts; and 70's Starsky and Hutch leather jackets with fur trim. 10) There are stunningly beautiful women everywhere. 11) There are disgusting dregs of humanity everywhere. Remember the Ellis Island Plaque? "Give me your tired, your poor, your hungry, your diseased, your unwashed and drunken and staggering and freakish and psychotic and wacky"? Here they are. 12) It's completely possible to drop $150.00 a day and have absolutely nothing to show for it. I spent over $300.00 in two and a half days and came home with a three dollar pair of sunglasses. 13) The record stores are like a wet dream. 14) Central Park is Damn Big, not to mention entirely incongruous. It's like an enormous verdant river of grass, trees, rapists, frisbee tossers, streams, rollerbladers and birds that divides the city in two so widely that standing on one side, the opposing skyline appears to be a completely different city. 15) You know those manhole covers with steam pouring out of them you see in every movie filmed in New York? DO NOT, at any cost, inhale that steam. 16) Taxis don't stop for anything so pedestrian as pedestrians. I'm not kidding about this. We didn't have the pleasure of riding in one (they're damn expensive) but often nearly had the pleasure of being run down by them. 17) I felt like a hick at first until I saw that there is every kind of person imaginable there. No matter how weird you are, you'll fit in. Actually, you have an advantage if you wear a spiked dog collar or have conspicuous boils or are subject to severe coughing fits, because people are more afraid to fuck with you. 18) Severe coughing fits by passing strangers are more common than I ever could have imagined. 19) Vomiting in the street is fine. 20) Eye Contact Is Discouraged. Don't look at your fellow citizens. 21) Unless they're passed out or dead, and therefore harmless. I saw a group of people gathered around a prone body in Grand Central Station, everyone gawking and pointing looking around. This is considered entertainment. 22) John Tutturro rides the subway in Queens. This is the one celebrity I saw, nicely rounding out my cosmopolitan trip. Although I met a guy who came in from Texas with Chuck Norris. No fear of terrorists taking over that flight. 23) $8 for a drink is not unreasonable. 24) As if to make up for the absurdly priced booze, women's breasts are on display at any number of places for an economical 25 cents. 25) Keep moving. If you stop anywhere, you'll either: a) get solicited by bums26) Everyone walks everywhere. Having a car in Manhattan is like having two cast-iron legs and a leaden walker. 27) Call it protective parents, call it bussed-out schooling, call it Soylent Green, but I saw no one under the age of 18 in the entire city. 28) Cops don't give a good goddamn about what goes on unless it's a major felony. Pretty hilarious, and it gives you a sense of freedom. Do what the hell you want, no one will care or indeed notice. I was sitting outside a cafe and a crazy drunk guy stumbled in shouting something or another; the proprietor came out all flustered and found a cop lounging against a lamppost. Upon telling him the situation, the cop rolled his eyes and said "What, a bum? Well....tell him to get out!" End of the exchange. 29) The Chrysler Building (actually, the entire Manhattan skyline) is breathtaking at night. That's about it for now. In all, a fantastic, fun, hip place. I'm going back as soon as my bank account can handle the hit. |