Jared's Pick - Movie Reviews: Speed 2: Cruise Control

Speed 2: Cruise Control

Sandra Bullock, who spends most of Speed 2 in a bikini top and skirt, is as easy on the eyes as a dropperful of warm Visine. Jason Patric, too, is as dreamy as you'd like with his chiseled chin, brooding eyes and tastefully trimmed chest hair. So Speed 2 will likely have both sexes and their respective libidos lined up at the box office, but as far as intellect goes….did I mention Bullock's skimpy outfits?

Speed 2 begs the question: how heavy is disbelief? In this case, it's a million-ton cruise liner taking on water fast. The audience is expected to believe that Evil Villain Willem DeFoe is willing to kill thousands of people by steering them into an oil tanker simply because he lost his job. DeFoe is lucky enough to have the Tolkeinesque face of a grinning gargoyle which spares him the trouble of having to act - he just rolls his eyes and swears and you know he's a Bad Man.

Bullock and Patric are on vacation aboard this ship of fools when disaster strikes, and it's up to Patric's S.W.A.T. team-trained character to save the day. Bullock's endearing ditziness is wasted here as she mostly stands to one side, clapping and cheering on her man as he is keelhauled, shot at, blown up and nearly drowned. Check your feminism at the door, ladies; this is Patric's show and Bullock is only here to look pretty and be a whimpering hostage.

The only impressive action scene (the big liner crashing through a marina full of drunken Parrotheads too stupid to notice this seagoing skyscraper bearing down on them until it's five feet from their sailboats) is so drawn out that the only tension comes from holding back the 24oz Coke you slugged back during the previews.

Want some real Speed? Try mainlining a couple hits of methamphetamine - this painfully dull farce on the high seas is a Valium washed down with a shot of Nyqil.

- Jared O'Connor

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