Three To Tango
Listen up, Hollywood: there's a reason why Friends isn't a pay-per-view TV show. Understand? People will let Friends bounce off their retinas while they're in a nacho and Budweiser haze on the couch, but there's no way that show would fly if the American People had to pony up five bucks every Thursday to see it. I think we can all agree on this point, yes?
Then why do the powers that be in California insist on parading feature length Friends episodes before us, every last one a sophomoric bore, and expect us to stampede toward the box office? Let's see if we can stomach a look at the battered line up: Romy and Michele's High School Reunion, Picture Perfect, The Object of My Affection, Ed, The Pallbearer, Fools Rush In, Kissing a Fool. Is it coincidence that the word "fool" appears in two of the titles?
Three to Tango is simply the latest - it's Matthew Perry's turn at bat, displaying his acting ability by radically altering his hairstyle so that we know he's not Chandler, he's Oscar Novak. But of course, he is still Chandler, right down to the mannerisms and crooked sarcastic grin. And while Perry may be the funniest actor on Friends, that's a little like being the shuffleboard world champion.
You may have noticed I haven't said much about the movie itself. That's because I saw it over 24 hours ago, and subsequently can remember virtually no scene of importance (except for a bathtub scene which didn't go nearly as far as it might've). Three To Tango is a forgettable one-liner, based entirely around the premise that architect Oscar has to pretend he's gay in order to secure a designing contract, as the tycoon who is bestowing the work wants Oscar to keep an eye on his mistress. Who better, what less threatening spy than a gay man? Oscar is not gay, of course, but through a series of misunderstandings that any sane human would be able to correct with a simple declaration of clarification, Oscar is "trapped" into his ruse. Hi-jinks generally fail to ensue.
The low-key homophobia and stereotypes that populate the movie are almost too bland to be offensive; or maybe they are more offensive because we are expected to relate. Ha ha, his buddies suddenly think he's gay and recoil from him! I think we all know what that's like - those creepy sexually compulsive gays are always out to seduce you over to the dark side. I had hoped we were past trotting out homosexuality for a laugh in the same way we used to trot out the Sambo character, but obviously not. It's all supposedly OK because Oscar's best friend and co-worker really is gay and injects a little perspective now and then, which allows Oscar to Learn Tolerance. Oh boy.
Three To Tango is made palatable because Perry is nevertheless inherently likeable, and by the presence of the intensely adorable Neve Campbell. That girl is a warm chocolate chip cookie - I was half in love myself by the first reel. But oops! She thinks Oscar's a harmless gay buddy, so she goes right on being mistress to the Evil Tycoon. Can't she see that Her Soulmate is standing right beside her? Doesn't she realize that the Tycoon is a heartless jerk, and that she could get the same relationship from a shower attachment and a trust fund? Doesn't Oscar see that True Love is more important than money? Will the Confusion ever be Cleared so that the two of them can be Together at Last? Place your bets.
You get the idea. I was in a remarkably good mood when I walked into Three To Tango, so I found the sitcom scrip, stunningly predictable plot and occasional stupid joke (there's the requisite accidental smack in the nuts when Oscar meets the Lady) somewhat harmless at the time. Any other day I would have been rolling my eyes like Cookie Monster. Don't know about you, but I generally expect my Friends to treat me with more respect than this.
- Jared O'Connor
MOVIES
All Content © 1997, 1998, 1999 Jared O'Connor and Michael Baker