Obsessions

The psychiatrist was holding a group consultation with three young mothers
 and their small children.
 "You all have obsessions," he told them.
 To the first one, he said, "Your obsession is eating. Why you've even named
your daughter Candy."
 The second, he said, was obsessed by money.
 "Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
 At this point, the third mother arose and, taking her little boy by the
 hand, whispered, "Let's go, Peter."

Relatives!

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "Inlaws."

Tickle Me Elmo

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts
laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood
me yesterday.
Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Blondes 'N' Boating

A True Story....????
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a blonde (of course!!), new to boating was having a problem.
No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform.
It wouldn't plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina.
Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was
the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check, only to come up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
REMEMBER, this is TRUE.......
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

Fertility

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet."
They visit for a while longer, then ask again if they can see the baby.
Again the mother says "not yet."
Finally they say, "Well, when can we see the baby?" The mother answers, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "We'd be very quiet. Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
"Because", the new mother says, "I forgot where I put it."

Is this 832-4821???

          A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her.
          One day, she dials her home and a strange woman   answers.
          The woman says, "Who is this?"
          "This is the maid," answered the woman.
          "We don't have a maid", said the woman.
          The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the man of   the house.
          The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?"
          The maid replied, "He is upstairs in the bedroom with   someone who I figured was his wife."
          The woman is fuming. She says to the maid, "Listen,   would you like to make $50,000?"
          The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
          The woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the   desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with."
          The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears   footsteps and the gun shots.
          The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with   the bodies?"
          The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
          Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here."
          A long pause.......................and the woman says, ........."Is
   this 832-4821?

Praise The Lord

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith in God and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch daily and shout; "PRAISE THE LORD!" Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations that he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. Once again, she stood on her porch and shouted; "PRAISE THE LORD..GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and found a large bag of groceries and shouted; "Praise the Lord."
  The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Ha..Ha. I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries. God didn't."
  The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, "Praise the Lord, He not only sent me groceries but HE made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord"

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