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NEWLYWEDS

Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to their  honeymoon boat cruise. The husband says, "Honey, I want to stop and pick  up some condoms before we go." "Good idea," she says. "While you're in  there, pick me up some Dramamine."  The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore and says to the clerk,  "I'd like a box of condoms and a package of Dramamine, please."  "Yes sir," says the clerk, "but do you mind if I ask you a question? If  it makes you nauseous, why do you do it?"

WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER!

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar     detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph     to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good     physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I      know there are no other cars around. Thats how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your      eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you      been eating doughnuts?"

Cross the River

One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it. The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours. Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, ability, and intelligence to cross this river." And Poof! God turned him into a woman. He looked at the map, then walked across the bridge. YEE HA!!!!!!!!!

TAKE A BUS

A 75 year old woman went to the doctor for a check-up.  The doctor told her she needed more activity and recommended sex three times a week. She said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband". The doctor goes out in the waiting room and tells the husband that his wife needs to have sex three times a week. The 80 year old husband replies, "Which days ?" The doctor says, "How about Monday, Wednesday and Friday ?" The husband says, "I can bring her Monday and Wednesday, but on Friday She'll have to take the bus.

SURGEONS

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers, those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

FOR MEN!!!!

A man was complaining:   Oh Lord, please have mercy on me, I work so hard, meantime my wife stays at home, I would give anything if you would grant me one wish "switch me into my wife" she's got it easy at home I want to teach her a lesson of how tough   a man's life is.   As God was listening he felt sorry for this soul and granted his wish. Next morning the "new woman" wakes up at dawn, makes lunch boxes, prepares breakfast, wakes up the kids for school, puts a load of clothes in the washer, takes the meat out of the freezer, drives the kids to school, on his   way back stop at the gas station, cashes a check, pays the electricity and phone bills, picks up some clothes from the cleaners, quickly goes to the market. It was 1:00 already, he made the beds, took the clothes out of the washer and put another load in, he vacuumed the house, made some rice, went to pick up the kids from school had an argument with the kids. As soon as he got home he fed the kids, washed the dirty dishes, he hung the   damp clothes he had washed on the chairs because it was raining outside. He helped the kids with their homework, watched some TV while he ironed some clothes, prepared dinner, he gave the kids a bath and put them to sleep. At 9:00 he was so tired and he went to bed. Of course there was some more duties and somehow he managed to get them done and finally fell a sleep. The next morning he prays to God once again:   Oh Lord, what was I thinking when I asked you to grant my wish, I can't take   it anymore. I beg you please switch me back to myself, please oh please. Then he heard God's voice speaking to him, saying: Dear son of course I'll switch you back into yourself but there's one minor detail, you will have to wait 9 months because last night you got pregnant.

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