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Craps winner

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she strips naked, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs new clothes!" Then she hollers..."YES! YES! I WON! IWON!" Then she begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"

25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90'S

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
 2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
 3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He   emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
         4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
 5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but  you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
7. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
 8. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
9. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
10. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom  of the screen.
11. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
12. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
          15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
 16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
           17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
 18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
       19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
 20. You turn off your Modem and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
 22. You wake up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.
 23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
 24. You're reading this.
 25. Even worse, you want to forward it to someone else.

The Cookies

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spreads out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."

WISHING WELL

A couple is taking a stroll in a lovely meadow when they come upon a   wishing well.   The woman leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a quarter.   Her husband decides he wants to make a wish, also.  Unfortunately, he leans over too far, falls down into the well, and drowns. The woman stands there shaken for a moment, and then exclaims, "HOLY SHIT,  IT WORKS!!

FAMILY TREE

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt,   Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout   childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg,Byrd,and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently   returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them. Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt

Never anger a nurse

A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?" After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"

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