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 What God told Adam

God said, "Go down into that valley."     And Adam said, "What's a valley?"     And God explained it to him.     Then God said, "Cross the river"     And Adam said "What's a river?"     And God explained it to him and then said, "Go over the hill."     And Adam said, "What's a hill?" and God explained it to him.     Then he told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave,"     And Adam said, "What's a cave?" And God explained that to him and said, "In the cave you will find woman."     And Adam said, "What's a woman?"     So God explained that to him, and said "I want you to reproduce."     And Adam said, "How do I do that?" So God explained it to him.     So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave and found the woman, and in about five minutes he was back.     God! said angrily, "What is it now?"     And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

Super Granny

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags, drew her handgun, and proceeded to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scumbags!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags in the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, to no avail. And then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

     Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you      walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore.      We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much      you love us."      And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you      that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my      love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.      Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this      new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do,      in spite of yourselves."      And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and      Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new      animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.      And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in      the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."  And      God said, "No problem.  Because I have created this new animal to      be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of      my own name, and you will call him DOG."      And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them      and loved them.      And they were comforted.      And God was pleased.      And Dog was content and wagged his tail.      After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and      said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.  They strut      and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration.      Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."    And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion      who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The      companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know      that they are not always worthy of adoration."      And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.      And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed      into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme      beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility      And they were greatly improved.     And God was pleased.      And Dog was happy! And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

Warning

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone area. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.  They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

The sex life of a man...

When the Creator was making the world and all its inhabitants, he called man aside. I'm bestowing upon you," the Creator said, "twenty years of active sex life." Man was dismayed. "Only twenty years?" he protested. "Great One, that isn't enough. Can't you add a few more years?" But the Creator shook his head. It was twenty years or nothing, so man glumly sat down. The monkey was called forth. He was offered twenty years of active sex life too. But, the monkey suggested humbly that ten years would be quite enough, since he seldom lived longer than that anyway. Immediately the man leaped up. "Can I have your extra ten years?" he cried excitedly. "Of course," said the monkey graciously. The lion was then called forth and the Creator made the same offer He shook his mane. "Mighty One," he roared, "I'm a monogamous animal: therefore, ten years will be enough for me." Again, the man stood up. "Can I have the lion's share also?" he asked eagerly. Both the lion and the Creator agreed, and the man sat down elated. The donkey was then called up, but when the Creator offered him twenty years, he balked. "Sire," he brayed, "I want to reserve some time for eating sweet clover. Ten years is ample time for me." The Creator nodded, then turned and looked at man. "I suppose you want his ten years as well?" Man smirked and nodded. "So be it," said the Creator and turned away. And that is how it came to pass that man has twenty years of active sex life, ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.

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