“Hey” I smiled stepping in to the home “ what’s going on”

““ Nothing much” he replied. There was a pause. “ No, no, nothing much nowadays, I guess”

He seemed to be reassuring himself. I guess he was nervous. I knew I was too. I millions thoughts ran through my mind as a stared around the all too familiar walls. What are you doing here, you promised yourself you should never come back, and look at what you’re doing. As I looked around I began to remember why I came. I missed him, I always will. But then again I began to regret all the reasons I had on coming, knowing that I shouldn’t have.

“ So how have you been” The young boys eyes reflected hurt, most likely from my presence. And the reminder of those times of before.

***

My eyes searched around the yard for any spark of movement. I am it. I hate being it, can’t the yard shrink, where are they. Playing hide-and-go seek at age 14 made me feel funny. Playing it with Zac, Scott and Brad made it different. The day to me, felt like no other, my life was simple enough to follow. Wake up, school, come home, leave, and go to the Haden’s. Good enough for me and it was this day we decided to play childish games.

“YOU ARE SLOW,” Someone yelled from the woods. I recognized the voice I had idolized for years on end.

“Scott Andrew Haden, I will find you, and Zac… and Brad….. One of these days” I replied. Which was followed by giggles in all directions. I made it a point to find Scott last, knowing afterwards we would go on our evening walk. Being an independent child all my life made me not have a care in the world in my actions.

***

After walking through the hallway, I found myself coming face to face with my fear. It wasn’t a physical fear, one I have had since my carefree days left me. What to come next. I hated knowing, and I hated not knowing then. Damn, why was I so blind, I see it now, but not then.

“ You can go in if you want” the soft voice behind me made me jump. Not knowing I was followed. I slowly outstretched my hand. I didn’t want to know what my body was compelling me to do at these moments, nor did I try to figure it out.

***

“ You play a pretty mean game of Hide-and-seek Seestedt” Scott said patting me on my back. Oh I love it when he calls me by my last name…I think there is something wrong with me.

“Oh yeah you too Haden” I said as we left the back yard going off to our path, to our special place in the world. I breathed in the air, everything I took for granted, That I always would. As we walked, our hands occasionally brushing past one another, I was completely happy. This was the way my days ended. We walked deeper into the forest, as we reached the bridge I slipped my shoes off and wadded in the shallow water. Scott hung his feet loosely over the edge. It was silent. Too silent.

“Penny for your thoughts” I asked walking over towards Scott.

“ Have you ever had the feeling , that in life, you aren’t accomplishing enough. It may be enough for others but not yourself” He asked

“ Well, honestly I can’t say that I have. But I do know that if you are questioning your accomplishment then think again bud. Man what I would give to be in your shoes” I hopped up next to him on the bridge. Questioning his movements while he leaned forward and put his shoes on my feet.

“ You want it you got it babe, have a blast”

***

Could you be moving any slower? I asked myself as I turned the doorknob. I wasn’t sure how slowly I was actually moving. Time wasn’t and issue for me, it wasn’t then and it wasn’t now. But I slipped into the room, knowing that I was now alone. Looking around, my breath caught in my throat. Seeing everything all around, I was back then again. Laughing, Talking. Two years ago… Slowly I walked to the bed and sat down. I guess I was waiting. Waiting and hoping.
***

Scott’s talks of his accomplishments were forgotten, and life was back the way it was. Whatever that meant. Days passed, weeks passed. One month later I didn’t go over the Haden’s after I checked in my house. I was going out on my first date. His name, was Mark, he was sweet. But I felt weird, something to me didn’t seem all that right. We saw a movie, walked home. Blah Blah. I came home to find no one home. Not right. At 9:00pm Scott would have called a million times, and then some. Also my mother would be home from her job. So I sat there. Around 11:00pm I went to bed. Thinking nothing of anything, other then the fact of where my family had vanished too. Leaving the note on the kitchen table unseen. At 1am I woke up to sirens and loud voices outside. I put on some sweats and walked outside. Seeing where everything was going on I ran. The Haden’s house was full of noise. I saw a lot of people I didn’t know, then I saw Zac. What is going on? He was in a ball in the far off corner of the commotion, the look on his face showed nothing but fear. As I approached him he looked up, nothing more. I sat next to him with a questioning look.

“What’s going on?” I asked worried. “ Did something happen?” I saw tearstains on his face and my tension grew. He nodded. I patted his shoulder, still confused, I got up and walked towards the people. My mom ran up to me and pulled me away from everyone.

“What is going on? Why are you here? Why is Zac crying, what are all these people?” the questions flew out of my mouth faster then they came to mind.

***

I knew earlier that something wasn’t right, now I figured out why I felt that. And it hit me so fast I didn’t understand. I didn’t comprehend, I thought I heard wrong. I thought I was going to wake up any second, my mom screaming to get out of bed and go to school, another day, yeah, I thought.
***

“Honey, something happened..” she started. Then I knew it. I wanted her to stop.

“In the woods last night Sc..” I didn’t let her finish, I shook my head no and tried to run.

“ Listen, you didn’t see my note to come over did you?” I shook my head.

“ Hon, Scott took a walk tonight and he didn’t come back.” I wasn’t following.

“He went swimming in the deeper part of the river. His shoe go caught under a rock and he drown.” She said it so simply. But it wasn’t simple. That was Scott, My Scott, he doesn’t go to the deeper parts of the river. I didn’t know what to think I ran over to the fire truck, the ambulance, anywhere but from the news I just received. That’s what made it real. The cart, the bag being zipped up, confirming his fate. I knew I wasn’t supposed to see that’s why they wheeled it away so quickly. But that is what made it so real. Seeing him. Made it too real.

***

Being in his shoes. Oh god how much I wanted to be in his shoes then. Anywhere but where I was. I stood up, not knowing why. I looked around. Everything was the same way it was two years ago, I hadn’t been here in two years. You shouldn’t be here now either. Opening drawers seeing the neatly stacked clothes, unworn for so long. I pulled out his favorite shirt, the one he shared with his brother. The red one, with the stripes, his trademark shirt. I looked around some more.
***

The only place I knew to go was our place. So I ran, I ran so fast, and I got to the bridge and jumped into the river. The tears overpowering any of the other emotions in my body. I wasn’t thinking clearly, I didn’t need too. I was alone, I walked down to the deeper part of the river and went under. I searched around, knowing what I was looking for, knowing it would be there if everything was true. And it was. I came up faster then I thought I would, caught my breath. In my hands I held my friend’s fate, His shoe, I carried it with my back to the house. I wanted to see him; I wanted to see Scott. I had to see him. They wouldn’t let me. The ambulance left for the hospital, I knew that he was gone, but I didn’t know why they were going there. I didn’t care, I wanted him back, but I knew that I would be wanting that forever. He was gone. He didn’t want to be in his shoes. And he was gone.
***

I wasn’t snooping, just looking around, no one would care. I opened to closet door and pulled out the worn out airwalks. The ones that would always be damp to me. As I walked over to the bed, I knew why I came back or at least I no longer regretted the decision. I slipped on his shirt and threw my shoes in a pile on the floor. I slipped on his shoes, the shoes he last wore. I cried. I cried like I did that night, like I never had before. In his shoes. In his arms, oh I missed him, I always will. But what will stay fresh in my mind, forever. he leaned forward and put his shoes on my feet.

“ You want it you got it babe, have a blast” I don’t know how long I stayed there or how long I had been in his room, Scott’s room. But Zac joined me, and cried with me. When I lost the love of my life, my friend, my dream. He lost the best brother too ever been blessed on this earth. And together we cried. Man, what I would give to have been in his shoes. I will never know, but I do know, that he will live on forever within me, within a lot of people. I hugged Zac and returned the shirt and took off the shoes.

“Keep ‘em Seestedt” he said patting my shoulders.

“You want ‘em you got ‘em” I pressed them close to my chest as I walked out of the house.

“C-ya” I said walking out

“ Yeah, soon hopefully, we all miss you” I smiled to myself, thankful that someone still cared. I didn’t go home, I went to the back yard. To our place. There I sat on the bridge, as I did so long ago. I was once again confused. I looked around, not understanding why I came here. I wanted to leave but something kept me there. As I got up to leave I tripped over a space in the wood of the bridge, I tugged it up. In it was a notebook, with his name on it. I flipped through the pages. They were letters, to me, ones he never gave to me, confessing how much he cared. I didn’t read them, but I put it back. As I got up to leave. I felt complete. Knowing he cared for me as I did for him. And knowing he was to scared to tell me. Knowing that in a way, I was in his shoes, it might have been a split second. But it made me feel complete. I never returned to the Haden’s, his room, or our place. But I did miss him unconditionally forever. I always knew I would. And I knew that no matter what I did in life, I would never be complete. My love, My life, My heart, was always supposed to be, in his shoes.

***



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