1.    A clitoris is a type of flower.
2.    A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
3.    A vulva Is an automobile from Sweden.
4.    The term "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird.
5.    A fallopian tube is part of a television.
6.    It is dangerous to have a wet dream under an electric blanket.
7.    Copulation is sex between two consenting policemen.
8.    A vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble.
9.    McDonald's Golden Arches is a phallus symbol.
10.   A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
11.   Fellatio is an Italian dagger.
12.  A g-string is a sling-shot type weapon used by G-Men
13.  Semen is another term for sailors.
14. An anus is a Greek word denoting a period of time.
15. Testicles are found on an octopus.
16. Cunnilingus are people who can speak four languages.
17. Asphalt is a medical term used to describe someone with rectal problems.
18.  KOTEX is a radio station in Dallas, Texas.
19.  Masturbate is something used to catch large fish.
20.  Coitus is a musical instrument.
21.  Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
22,  An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
23.  A condom is an apartment complex where the residents own the building.

Submitted by FCAdams

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed.  You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.  On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, however, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.  In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry.  For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed but today the temptation was too much and I gave in.  I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth.  Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that three times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together."

They hugged and made their peace.  A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

"Well," he answered, "whenever the box filled up with empty cans I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff.  He had narrowed it down to one of  two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hangover after partying all night.  She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin.

The executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you jack-off, I have a terrible headache."

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list.

"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"Our baby sitter's boyfriend."

An Irishman, quite drunk, is driving wildly through the streets of Dublin.  A cop, spotting the car weaving violently all over the city's roads, races after him and pulled him over.

"So, might I ask," says the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?"

"Well constable, I've spent a fine evening at Patty's Pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few pints."

"I did all right, holding my own and all," the drunk says with a smile.

The cop, now standing straight and folding his arms, says sternly, "Did you know that back at the intersection of Clare and Moyasta, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens!" sighs the drunk.  "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

1 .  We know stuff about tanks
2.  A  five-day trip requires only one suitcase
3.  We can open all our own jars
4.  We can go to the bathroom without a support group
5.  We don't have to learn to spell a new last name
6.  We can leave a motel bed unmade
7.  We can kill our own food
8.  We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
9.  Wedding plans take care of themselves
10.  If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend
11.  Our underwear is $10 a three pack
12.  If you are 34 and single nobody notices
13.  Everything on our faces stays the original color
14.  Three pair of shoes are more than enough
15.  We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming
16.  Car mechanics tell us the truth
17.  We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without thinking, "He must be mad at me."
18.  Same work - more pay
19.  Gray hair and wrinkles only add character
20.  We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift
21.  If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends
22.  My pals will never trap me with: "So, notice anything different?"
23.  We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors
24.  We almost never have a "strap problem" in public
25.  We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes
26.  The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades
27.  We don't have to shave below the neck
28.  A few belches are expected and tolerated
29.  Our belly usually hides our big hips
30.  One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons
31.  We can do our nails with a pocketknife
32.  We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache
33.  Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas and in 45 minutes

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large.  She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out.  The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.

Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody.  The first rose is from me.  I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.  The second one is from my nurse.  She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."

"Who is the third rose from?" she asked.

"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit.  He wanted to  thank you for his new ears!"

I took the day off work and decides to go out golfing.  I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green.

I think nothing of it and I'm about to shoot when I hear, "Ribbit, 9 Iron."

I looked around and doesn't see anyone.

Again, I hear, "Ribbit, 9 Iron."

I looked at the frog and decided to prove the frog wrong, put the club away, and grabed a 9 iron.  Boom!  I hit it 10 inches from the cup. I was shocked.

I said to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.  You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

The frog replied, "Ribbit, lucky frog."

I decided to take the frog with me to the next hole.

"What do you think, frog?," I askd.

"Ribbit, 3 wood."

I took out a 3 wood and, Boom!  Hole in one.  I was befuddled and didin't know what to say.  By the end of the day, I golfed the best game of golf in my life and asked the frog, "OK, where to next?"

The frog replied, "Ribbit, Las Vegas."

We go to Las Vegas and the I asked, "OK, frog, now what?"

The frog said, "Ribbit, Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the I asked, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replied, "Ribbit, $3000, black 6."

Now this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, I figured, 'what the heck'.  Boom!  Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.  I took my winnings and rented the best room in the hotel.

I sat the frog down and asked, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.  You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful".

The frog replied, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

I figured, 'why not, since after all the frog did for me, he deserves it'.   With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

". . . and that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room so help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem:  The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick.  Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!"  "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.  This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up.  What'd you do with the boat?"

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.  She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.  The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.  As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen.   I call the police for help and what do they do?  They send me a BLIND policeman!"

A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into deep pit.  All the other frogs gathered around the pit.  When they saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead.  The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with all of their might.  The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead.  Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up.  He fell down and died.  The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could.  Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die.  He jumped even harder and finally made it out.

When he got out, the other frogs said, "Did you not hear us?"

The frog explained to them that he was deaf.  He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.

This story teaches two lessons:

1. There is power of life and death in the tongue.  An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the day.

2. A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill them. Be careful of what you say.  Speak life to those who cross your path.

The power of words.  It is sometimes hard to understand that an encouraging word can go such a long way. Anyone can speak words that tend to rob another of the spirit to continue in difficult times.  Special is the individual who will take the time to encourage another.

Be special to others.

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.  The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven,  you had  to have a really bummer day on the day that you died.  The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.  The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said.  "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair but her lover was nowhere in sight.  I immediately began searching for him.  My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.  Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out on to the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!  Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground but, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die.  This ticked me off  even more.  In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.  Oddly enough, the first thing I  thought of was the
refrigerator.  I unplugged it, pushed it out on to the balcony, and tipped it over the side.  It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!  The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a  heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment.  Technically, the guy did have a bad day.  It was a crime of passion so, the Angel announces, "OK, sir.  Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up.  To the Angel's surprise, was Vernon Jordan.

"Mr. Jordan, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

Jordan said, "No problem but you're not going to believe this.  I was on the balcony of my 26th  floor apartment doing my daily exercises.  I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress.  I guess got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!  Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine.  All of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his  apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers.  Well, of course I  fell.  I hit some trees and  bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground,  unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony.  It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Jordan finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself.

"Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Vernon enter.

A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate.  The Angel is almost too shocked to speak.  Thoughts of assassination and war pour  through the Angel's head.

Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell  me what it was like the day you died."

Clinton says, "OK, picture this.  I'm naked inside a refrigerator, see? . . .and. . ."

. . . and God created woman and she had 3 breasts.

He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"

She replied, "Yes, could get rid of this middle breast?"

So it was done, and it was good.

Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding that third breast in her hand,  "What can be
done with this useless boob?"

And God created man.

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar.

The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"

The  man says, "I'll have a beer."

The ostrich says, "I'll have a coke,"

The cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying."

The bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87"

The man reaches into his pocket and brings  out the exact change and pays the bill. A few days
later, the same group walks into the bar.

The bartender goes over to them and says, "What'll  you guys have?"

The man says, "I'll have a martini."

The ostrich says, "I'll have a white wine."

The cat says, "I'll have half a beer and  I'm not buying.

The bartender gets them their beer and says, "That'll be  $6.75."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks,
"What do you guys want today?"

The man  says "I'll have a scotch."

The ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon."

The cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying."

The bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53."

 The man reaches into his pocket and  brings out the exact change and pays him.

The bartender's curiosity got the best of him so he asks "Why is it that every time I tell you the  amount you owe you always have the exact change in your pocket?"

The man said "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me three wishes.  My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."

The bartender says that's a great wish...better than  asking for a million dollars...a million dollars would run out but exact  change never will.  What were your other two wishes?"

The man says "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.  Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.  He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it.  I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?"  inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries.  "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"New Hampshire, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite grasslands. The people from New Hampshire are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.  They will be admired by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? ...You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loudmouth, whiny-assed, arrogant piss-ants I'm putting next to them in Massachusetts.

"Finally!"  her husband exclaimed, "it  took you 15 years, but at last you made the kind mom always made!!"

A couple are driving along the highway.  The husband, who is driving, is complaining about everything .. the heat,  the long drive, the bad drivers, the country, etc ... and his wife is getting tired of his depressing talk.

So she says to him: "One more complaint and I'll cut your penis off with my pen-knife".

About half an hour later he starts complaining again and, before he could blink, his wife pulls out her knife, slices his dick off, and throws it out the window.

Driving behind the couple's car is a family of three: husband, wife, and 8 year old daughter. The penis lands on their car's windshield, and the father, in an absolute panic (as he doesn't want his daughter to see the penis), quickly turns on the windshield wipers (to get the dick off the windshield, and out of view of his daughter).

The observant daughter asks: "Daddy, what was that?"

Her father, still in a panic, says, " Oh it was only a.....uh........butterfly".

"Must've been a big butterfly," replied the daughter. "Did you see the size of its cock?

AN OLD COWBOY DRESSED IN A COWBOY SHIRT, HAT, JEANS, BOOTS, SPURS AND CHAPS WENT TO A BAR AND ORDERED A DRINK.  AS HE SAT SIPPING HIS WHISKEY, A YOUNG LADY SAT DOWN NEXT TO HIM.

AFTER SHE ORDERED HER DRINK, SHE TURNED TO THE COWBOY AND ASKED, "ARE YOU A REAL COWBOY?"

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "WELL, I HAVE SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE ON THE RANCH, HERDING COWS, BREAKING HORSES, MENDING FENCES.  I GUESS I AM."

AFTER A SHORT WHILE, HE ASKED HER WHAT SHE WAS.

SHE REPLIED, "I'M A LESBIAN. I SPEND MY WHOLE DAY THINKING ABOUT WOMEN.
AS SOON AS I GET UP IN THE MORNING I THINK OF WOMEN.  WHEN I EAT, SHOWER,
WATCH TV, EVERYTHING SEEMS TO MAKE ME THINK OF WOMEN.  I GUESS I'M A
LESBIAN."

A SHORT WHILE LATER SHE LEFT AND THE COWBOY ORDERED ANOTHER DRINK.

A COUPLE SAT DOWN NEXT TO HIM AND ASKED, "ARE YOU A REAL COWBOY?"

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "I ALWAYS THOUGHT I WAS BUT I JUST FOUND OUT I'M A
LESBIAN."

Two Doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven.  St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.

One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities."

St. Peter said, "You can enter."

The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist.  I helped people rehabilitate themselves."

St. Peter also invited him in.

The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO Manager. I helped people get cost- effective health care."

St. Peter said, "You can come in too."

Just as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days.  After that you
can go to hell."

Yes, parenthood changes everything but parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes
* 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
* 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
* 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name
* 1st baby: You pore over baby name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
* 2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
* 3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth
* 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
* 2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
* 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
* 1st baby: You cherish your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
* 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
* 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries
* 1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.
* 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
* 3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities
* 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
* 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
* 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
* 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
* 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
* 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home
* 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
* 2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
* 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Sanitation
* 1st baby: When the baby drops its pacifier on the floor you boil it in hot water for 3 minutes before giving it back.
* 2nd baby: When the pacifier drops to the floor you wash it with soap and water before giving it back.
* 3rd baby: You wipe the dirt off on your pants before giving it back.

Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.  While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking, and the other is cleaning.

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny.

The husband decided to donate some of his skin. However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!

She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he did.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!"

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!"

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier.  A smack to the butt and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.

5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

6. Garbage would take itself out.

7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11. Two words..."Ally McNaked".

12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.

As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"

You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."

Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".

13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

17. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".

19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the
corner of the screen during a time-out.

20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".

21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

22. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

Michael is the kind of guy everyone loves. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say.

When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Michael was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Michael and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"

Michael replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Mike, you have two choices today.  You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood.  Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.  Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life.  I choose the positive side of life."

"Yeah, right, it isn't that easy," I protested.

"Yes, it is," Michael said.  "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations.  You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood.  The bottom line is: It's your choice how you live life."

I reflected on what Michael said. Soon thereafter, I left the tower industry to start my own business.  We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.  Several years later, I heard that Michael was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Michael was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.  I saw Michael about six months after the accident.

When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins.  Wanna see my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.

"The first thing that went through my mind was the well being of my soon to be born daughter, " Michael replied, "...then, as I lay on the ground,  I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or I could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.

Michael continued, "...the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine but when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man.' I knew I needed to take action."

"What did  you do ?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Michael.  "She asked if I was allergic to anything."

" 'Yes'," I replied.

The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply.

"I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity'."

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market.  A man came in and asked to buy half a watermelon.  The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not want a whole one, but only half.   The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "there is some asshole out there who wants to buy a half a watermellon."  As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called on the boy and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it.  You think on your feet and we like that around here.

"Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Montreal, sir"

"Why did you leave Montreal?" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Montreal!"

The boy replied, "No kidding,  . . .what team did she play for?"

Dear Redneck Son;

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.  I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that theywouldn't have to change their address.  This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took the locksmith two hours to get there to let me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. They told me the baby looks just like your brother....

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving.  He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.  I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me.".

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: 1) you have to be single and 2) you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy but when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying his eyes out. "My dear child, why are you crying?".

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's O.K, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to  a Halloween Party."

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