Movies
Movies affect and distort our sense of reality. Here are some bizarre examples.
Extreme movies
To make your life more bizarre, watch these extreme movies:
Movie What it’s best at Year Award
Romance movies
The Philadelphia Story best wedding movie about choosing the groom 1940 8
Casablanca best movie about a past love 1942 9 A
The Seven Year Itch best movie about being seduced by a neighbor 1955 7
Splash best movie about dating a mermaid 1984 6
The Bridges of Madison County best movie about a fling 1995 7
Lost-soul movies
It’s a Wonderful Life best movie about avoiding suicide 1946 9
Cast Away best movie about being lost on an island 2000 7
Coming-of-age movies
The Last Picture Show best movie about growing up in Texas 1971 8
American Graffiti best movie about growing up in California 1973 8
Big best movie about finding your inner child 1988 7
Gross-comedy movies
Animal House best movie about college pranks 1978 8
Neighbors best movie about having a bad neighbor 1981 5
There’s Something About Mary best movie about peeking at women 1998 7
Sinister movies
Citizen Kane best movie about losing your principles 1941 9
A Clockwork Orange best movie about British thugs 1971 9
The Truman Show best movie about having your privacy invaded 1998 8
Horror movies
Jaws best horror movie about teeth, water, sharks 1975 8
The Shining best horror movie about the effects of snow 1980 8
The Cook, Thief, Wife, Lover best horror movie about a restaurant 1989 7
Popular-music movies
Gold Diggers of 1933 only musical where the star sings in Pig Latin 1933 8
42nd Street best musical about impossible stage shows 1933 8
The Wizard of Oz best musical about escaping from Kansas 1939 8
Holiday Inn best musical about falling in love on holidays 1942 8
South Pacific best musical about falling in love with foreigners 1958 7
Let’s Make Love includes best lessons on how to sing, dance, joke 1960 6
The Music Man best musical about salesmanship 1962 8
My Fair Lady best musical about how to speak properly 1964 8 A
Cabaret best musical about Nazi Germany 1972 8
Chicago best musical about daydreaming 2002 7 A
Classical-music movies
The Competition best movie about a piano contest 1980 7
Amadeus best movie about how Mozart was crazy 1984 8 A
Crazy-Jew movies
Annie Hall best Jewish movie about being in love 1977 8 A
Deconstructing Harry best Jewish movie about being old and confused 1997 7
Life is Beautiful best Jewish movie about laughing at death 1997 8
Illustrated-issue movies
The Long Walk Home best tale about desegregating Alabama 1990 7
Not One Less best tale about school in rural China 1999 8
The best way to learn about movies is to visit the Internet Movie Database (www.imdb.com). That Web site lets people rate how much they liked movies they saw, on a scale of 1 to 10. In the Award column, I show the movie’s weighted-average score (which is computed by the Web site in a way to avoid vote stuffing). If a movie’s average is 8 or 9, most people in your household will probably like it; if a movie rates 7, 6, or 5, the movie is chancier: it thrills some people but disappoints others. In the Award column, an “A” means “won the Academy Award’s Oscar for Best Picture that year.”
If you try to get one of those movies, make sure you get the correct year. Other movies with similar titles from other years are worse.
Movie clichés
Americans learn about life by watching TV and movies. Many movies distort reality by containing these clichés:
Fights
A bad guy’s first shot always misses; it just announces that a fight will begin.
A hero always gets shot in the shoulder.
Evil men are too stupid to shoot heroes in the face; instead, they aim for the bulletproof vest.
Even the thinnest piece of wood will shield you from all bullets.
When one man shoots at 20 men, he’s more likely to kill them all than when 20 men shoot at one.
In a swordfight, you must find stairs to fight on, so the loser can roll down them to die at the bottom.
In a swordfight, jump up on a table; when the villain swipes at your legs, just hop over his blade.
When women fight, they pull hair, fall to the ground together, and roll over twice.
In a martial-arts fight, enemies surrounding you will wait patiently for you to kill them one-by-one.
A hero becomes invulnerable when he takes his shirt off.
When a villain captures you to kill, he kindly pauses for 5 minutes to tell you his life’s plans.
Wars
Every army platoon includes a black guy who can play the harmonica.
You’ll survive the battle unless you show someone a photo of your sweetheart back home.
The person with the most plans, prospects, and hopes will die.
During an artillery barrage, a kid or dog can safely wander around, but half the soldiers will die.
Escape
Every time bomb has a big red readout that shows how many seconds remain.
While a bad guy chases you, he kindly pauses to throw objects you can jump over.
When terrified, a woman always sticks her fist in her mouth.
Every woman who tries to flee insists on wearing high heels.
When being chased by an evil man, a woman always stumbles to the ground, even if the terrain is level.
To help a woman flee, a man hugs his arm around her, though hugging slows both of them down.
A person chased to a staircase is always stupid enough to run upstairs, not down to exit the building.
Injuries
A hero shows no pain when beaten but winces when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
When you’re hit on the head and become unconscious, you never get a concussion or brain damage.
During a fight, a hero’s only facial injuries are on his right cheekbone and his mouth’s right corner.
A hero wipes blood from his mouth’s right corner with the back of his hand, then looks at it.
If a hero’s cheek gets injured, just put a Band-Aid on it, and it will heal completely by the next day.
Bibles, religious medals, and photos of loved ones stop bullets better than a bulletproof vest.
Dying
A good person dies only while friends are watching.
If a good person dies with eyes open, a friend will close them; but a villain’s eyes stay open forever.
If you’re dying, friends whisper lovingly to you or kiss you, instead of calling an ambulance.
If your friend is dying, try this cure: yell “You can’t do this to me — I love you!” and “Fight!”
Bedroom antics
Whenever strangers have sex, they reach intense, simultaneous orgasms on the first try.
During sex, all women leave their underwear on, and they moan but don’t sweat.
After sex, you never need Kleenex.
Every bed has a crooked sheet that covers up to a woman’s armpit but just to a man’s waist.
Whenever you wake up from a nightmare, you sit bolt upright and pant.
Every teenager’s bedroom window comes with a drainpipe strengthened to hold the kid’s weight.
Bathrooms
You can eat as much as you want and never need to go to the toilet.
When women wake up, they don’t need to go to the toilet, but women must shower frequently.
The best way to tell when a woman is pregnant is to wait for her to vomit.
Women never menstruate.
If several people are in a bathroom, one of them must tell a secret while they all face the mirror.
Kitchen antics
Kitchens have no light switches. At night, you must open the fridge door and use that light instead.
All shopping bags are paper, topped off with French bread & carrots, which spill onto the kitchen floor.
Families are too rushed to ever finish breakfast, so dad and the kids always dash out, upsetting mom.
Buildings
In Paris, all the windows face the Eiffel Tower.
In New York, nice people getting low-paying jobs all live in luxury apartments.
You can pick any lock with a credit card or paper clip, except when a kid behind the door is trapped in a fire.
All elevator shafts are clean and well-lit, to make sure heroes won’t get dirty or need flashlights.
Whenever you want an elevator, it’s already at your floor, unless you’re chased by an evil person.
Cars
When you drive to any building, you’ll always find a parking space in front.
When you try to cross the street, you’re delayed by traffic just if you’re in a rush.
In New York, you can safely leave your car unlocked; even convertibles with tops down don’t get stolen.
Whenever you flee a villain, your car won’t start — at least not on the first try.
While driving, you can dodge bullets by ducking your head.
When hitting a parked car, a speeding car goes up in the air, but the parked car won’t even wiggle.
Every car chase through town will smash a fruit cart owned by a Greek, who’ll curse but stay unhurt.
When you want a taxi, you’ll get one immediately, except when you’re in danger.
To pay for a taxi, don’t bother looking at your wallet: the first bill you grab will be the exact amount.
Planes
Planes always depart on time and never require a boarding pass: just hop on.
If your plane contains a nun, it will crash.
You can land any plane easily if somebody in the control tower just tells you what to do.
Phones
You never need to look up phone numbers: you’ve memorized your whole city’s phone book.
Whenever the phone wakes you up, you must knock it to the floor before answering.
When you phone friends, you never need to say “hello” or “goodbye”: those courtesies take too long.
Music
Whatever you decide to sing, everyone around you already knows the tune & words and joins in.
If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into already knows all the steps.
You can play wind instruments and accordions without moving your fingers.
Alcohol
Since bars are never busy, bartenders just relax, chat, wash glasses, and flip bottles in the air.
Whenever a bar plays country music, a fight will break out.
At a bar, don’t bother saying which brand of beer you want: the bartender can always read your mind.
At the home of a friend who asks you “Want a drink?” say just “Yes”: don’t bother saying which type.
Strong whiskey makes a hero wince, wipe his mouth on his sleeve, then flash clenched teeth.
One swig of booze is enough to numb pain before the girl jabs a knife in your arm to remove a bullet.
When you have a hangover, putting an icepack on your head makes you become fun and not vomit.
Whenever you throw cold water or black coffee at a drunk, he’ll immediately get sober.
Relationships
In any pair of identical twins, one of them is evil — or both are evil.
During emotional confrontations, people always talk back-to-back instead of face-to-face.
A feminist spurns a macho hero until he rescues her from death. Then she becomes his docile slave.
After a feminist becomes docile, a macho hero always softens up and tells her his tragic past.
Appearance
High-powered female executives always wear miniskirts and 5-inch heels to work.
Women always apply makeup before going to bed; it stays intact all night and while scuba diving.
Even in prehistoric times, women always shaved their legs and armpits.
Medieval peasants all had filthy faces, tangled hair, ragged clothes, and perfect teeth.
Whenever you knock out someone and steal the person’s clothes, they fit you perfectly.
At night, everything turns blue.
When lightning appears, you hear its thunder instantly, and the rain starts then too.
Mexicans speak perfect English except they say Señor and Gracias instead of “Sir” and “Thank you.”
Eyeglasses
Action heroes never wear glasses.
Your glasses will never fog, even when you come in from the cold.
Little girls wearing glasses always tell the truth. Little boys wearing glasses always lie.
Investigations
If you’re a woman hearing a noise at night, you must investigate while wearing revealing underwear.
If you’re a woman hearing noises at home, your cat will jump at you before you get strangled.
If a killer lurks in your home, you can find him easily: just take a bath.
A light bulb burns out (or flickers) just if someone hides in that room and waits to jump on you.
Every police investigation requires a visit to a strip club.
A police detective can’t solve a tough case until he’s suspended from duty.
Dogs know which people are bad and bark at them.
Incriminating evidence will always be in the next-to-bottom drawer or in photo #4 of a stack.
To access a computer’s secret files, just type “ACCESS ALL THE SECRET FILES.”
If a hero kills lots of bad guys, police won’t question him about those murders.
For more info about movie clichés, see The Movie Clichés List (put onto the Internet by Giancarlo Cairella at www.moviecliches.com).
Stage names
If you don’t like the name your mom gave you at birth (your birth name), replace it with a stage name that’s more appealing, as done by these actors —
Stage name His birth name
Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt
Buddy Hackett Leonard Hacker
Charles Bronson Charles Buchinsky
Douglas Fairbanks Julius Ullman
Fred Astaire Fred Austerlitz
George Burns Nat Birnbaum
Jack Benny Joseph Kubelsky
Jerry Lewis Joseph Levitch
Jimmy Stewart Stewart Granger
John Wayne Marion Michael Morrison
Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch
Mel Brooks Mel Kaminsky
Michael Caine Maurice Micklewhite, Jr.
Peter Lorre Laszlo Lowenstein
Phil Silvers Philip Silversmith
Red Buttons Aaron Chwatt
Redd Fox John Sanford
Rock Hudson Roy Fitzgerald
Rodney Dangerfield John Cohen
Roy Rogers Leonard Slye
Stan Laurel Arthur Stanley Jefferson
Tony Curtis Bernie Schwartz
W.C. Fields W.C. Dunkenfield
Woody Allen Allen Kongisberg
Yul Brynner Taidje Kahn, Jr.
Yves Montand Ivo Livi
and these actresses:
Stage name Her birth name
Anne Bancroft Anne Italiano
Doris Day Doris Kappelhoff
Greta Garbo Greta Gustafsson
Joan Crawford Lucille LeSueur
Lauren Bacall Betty Perski
Lucille Ball Dianne Belmont
Marilyn Monroe Norma Jean Mortensen
Natalie Wood Natasha Gurdin
Shelly Winters Shirley Schrift
Sophia Loren Sophia Scicolone