Government
Our country is run by lawyers, who make & analyze laws requested by politicians, who start wars. Let’s peek at those lawyers, their politicians, and their wars.
Politics
Why do they call it “politics”? Because discussing it is the fastest way to get Aunt Polly ticked.
Conservative’s lament
Conservatives say:
If you’re young and not a liberal, you haven’t got a heart.
But if you’re old and not conservative, you haven’t got a brain!
That quote was attributed to Winston Churchill (Britain’s prime minister during World War 2), but according to his fans, there’s no record he ever said it. That thought was expressed by many people, including a French historian in the 1800’s. I call it the Conservative’s lament.
The lament is correct. Young people, forever optimistic, believe that the world will be a beautiful place if you treat everybody kindly and liberally. Old people, who’ve been mugged and cheated by many “nice-looking” people, become cynical.
For example, when President Jimmy Carter and I were young, we both believed the Soviets would treat the rest of the world kindly if the rest of the world would treat them kindly. But then the Soviets, without provocation, invaded Afghanistan. I was disillusioned, and Jimmy Carter was voted out of office.
When I was young, I believed that all people who claimed to be poor should be given generous welfare benefits. But after I chatted with many welfare recipients who used their money to eat in fancy restaurants, buy drugs, and visit prostitutes, I grew more cynical about the needs of the “needy.” Sure, there are members of society who are truly desperate and do need welfare money; and sure, the rich have a moral obligation to give large sums of money to the truly needy poor. But when I see the large percentage of welfare recipients who abuse and even laugh at the system, I want to cry.
When the governor of Alabama, George Wallace, was young, he ran for office on a platform of being nice to blacks. He even kissed black babies. He lost the race. Then he changed his tune, became a cynical anti-black segregationist, ran for office again, and — because he was a cynical segregationist — won! Although I don’t recommend imitating him (since segregation is immoral), his life proves one point: cynicism pays.
Why Democrats make me smile
Democrats tend to be liberal, and Republicans tend to be conservative. But what is “liberal,” and what is “conservative”? What’s the difference?
In 1974, Representative Craig Hosmer (Republican from California) published a funny list of differences in the Congressional Record. He got it from a source that wished to remain anonymous. Several people tried updating (or censoring) that list (especially Rowland Nethaway, senior editor of the Waco Texas Tribune-Herald, in 1998). Here’s my own attempt to update that list further:
Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows.
Democrats raise hell, kids, and taxes.
Republicans employ exterminators.
Democrats step on the bugs.
Republicans go fishing on their boats.
Democrats stay fishing at the docks.
Democrats eat the fish they catch.
Republicans hang them on the wall.
Republicans grab financial pages and love them.
Democrats grab financial pages and shove them — into bird cages.
Republicans consume ¾ of all rutabaga produced in this country.
Democrats throw out the rest.
Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
Democrats make up their own plans — but ignore them.
Democrats take individual delight in reading banned books.
Republicans form censorship committees to read those books as groups.
Democrats give their worn-out clothes to the less fortunate.
So do Republicans, who are smarter and take the tax deduction.
The junk along the road was thrown from car windows by Democrats,
but can’t be seen by Republicans from the back of their limos.
Democrats name their kids after athletes, entertainers, and politicians.
Republicans name their kids after the richest ancestors.
Republicans close their curtains at night — but needn’t bother.
Democrats leave their curtains open — to amuse Republicans.
Republican boys date Democrat girls.
They plan to marry Republican girls but feel entitled to a little fun first.
Republicans sleep in twin beds, often in separate rooms.
That’s why there are more Democrats.
Recently, it’s become less true that most Republicans are rich and most Democrats are poor. To predict how a person will vote, don’t ask about the person’s income; instead, ask about church attendance: Protestant “churchgoers” (who attend church at least once a week) tend to vote Republican.
Researchers have recently discovered an even more accurate way to determine who’ll vote Republican: ask what kind of God the voter believes in. If the voter believes God is vengeful (punishes sinners and other “bad people”), the voter will probably vote Republican; if the voter believes God is forgiving (like Jesus) or laissez-faire (he created the world but then left it alone), the voter will probably vote Democrat.
According to Democrat analysts, Republicans believe government should be like a stern father (tough police enforcement) while Democrats believe government should be like a loving mother (kind to the helpless). Why can’t we have both?
Obama’s good point
People are amazed that President Obama is our first multiracial President. But I’m more amazed at something else: he’s the first President who’s a caring, candid intellectual. Some other Presidents have been caring, some have been candid, some have been intellectual, but Obama is the first President that has all three qualities simultaneously.
I don’t agree with all his decisions, and I didn’t vote for him in the primary — I voted for Bill Richardson instead — but I like Obama’s style of getting there.
Adlai Stevenson’s lament
Adlai Stevenson was the brilliant egghead Democrat who ran for President against Eisenhower but lost. He made this comment about politicians and their speeches:
It’s often easier to fight for one’s principles than live up to them.
Republican language
Republicans appeal to voters by changing the jargon. Here’s
how the typical voter responds, according to Frank Luntz (a Republican pollster
and spin doctor) and
Eric Effron (managing editor of The Week):
The voter doesn’t mind an “estate tax” but opposes it when called a “death tax.”
The voter is unsure about “tort reform” but favors it when called “ending lawsuit abuse.”
The voter is against “global warming” but accepts it when called “climate change.”
The voter is against “government eavesdropping” but accepts it when called “electronic intercepts.”
The voter is against “torture” but accepts it when called “aggressive interrogation techniques.”
The voter is against the U.S. starting an “invasion” but accepts it when called a “liberation.”
The voter is against war’s “escalation” but accepts it when called “troop surge.”
The voter is against war’s “civilian casualties” but accepts them when called “collateral damage.”
The voter is against the U.S. being an “occupying power” but accepts it when called a “coalition partner.”
The voter is against a U.S. “retreat” but accepts it when called a “phased troop redeployment.”
The voter is worried about “civil war” but less worried about it when called “sectarian strife.”
According to Mark Kleiman (a Democrat who’s a public-policy professor at UCLA) and his friends, here’s how Republicans redefine political terms:
Political term Republican definition
healthy forest no tree left behind
alternative energy sources new places to drill for gas and oil
climate change progress toward the blessed day when blue states are swallowed by oceans
compassionate conservatism poignant concern for the very wealthy
ownership society civilization where just the owners have power
class warfare any attempt to raise the minimum wage
bankruptcy a means of escaping debt, available to corporations but not poor people
laziness when the poor aren’t working
leisure time when the rich aren’t working
free markets Haliburton’s no-bid contracts
growth justification for tax cuts for the rich
simplify reduce (especially the taxes of Republican donors)
honesty lies told in simple declarative sentences, such as “Freedom is on the march.”
DeLay past tense of De Lie
stay the course continue to perform the same actions and expect different results
stuff happens I don’t have to live in Baghdad
voter fraud a significant minority turnout
No Child Left Behind ensuring that stupid kids learn enough to get jobs in the military
pro-life valuing human life up until birth
creation science theory that Bush’s resemblance to a chimpanzee is just coincidental
woman a person trusted to raise a child but not to decide whether to have one
treason criticizing Bush
patriot Bush supporter
Patriot Act preemptive
strike on American freedoms, to prevent terrorists from
destroying them first
2029
Republicans fear that the year 2029 will have these headlines:
Ozone from electric cars kills millions in 7th largest country, Mexifornia, formerly called California. White minorities still trying to get English recognized as Mexifornia’s 3rd language.
Castro finally dies at age 112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
Baby conceived naturally; scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Spotted-owl plague threatens Northwest crops and livestock. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. New federal law requires registering all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers. Postal Service raises price of 1st-class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to just Wednesdays. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%. 85-year 75-billion-dollar study says diet and exercise are keys to weight loss. Supreme Court decides that punishing criminals violates their civil rights. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Emblem
The Internet says the government’s decided to change the national emblem from an eagle to a condom, which more accurately reflects the government’s political stance:
It permits inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed.
Bush
Let’s take a look back at George W. Bush. We journalists were thrilled when he became President, because he gave us somebody to make fun of!
Imitated Carson Here’s why America voted for George W. Bush and made him President: he resembled Johnny Carson. Like Johnny Carson, Bush smiled and was a semi-intellectual affable joker.
That’s what America wanted in a President: a talk-show host who smiled. That’s what America got. But after 8 years, America got tired of seeing the same old smiles and wanted to change channels.
Bush outsourced While Bush was President, this news flash appeared on the Internet:
Congress has announced that the office of President of the United States will be outsourced to India. The move’s being made to save the President’s $400,000 yearly salary and the record 521 billion dollars in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years.
Mr. Bush was informed of his termination, by e-mail this morning.
The office of President will be assumed by Mr. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India. He’s eligible for the Presidency because he was born in the U.S. while his Indian parents vacationed at Niagara Falls.
Singh’s future
He’ll be paid $320 a month but no health coverage or other benefits.
Because of the time difference between the U.S. and India, he’ll work mainly at night, when most offices of the U.S. government are closed; but he can handle the job without a support staff. He said, “Working nights will let me keep my day job at the American Express call center. I’m excited about this position. I always hoped to be President someday.”
Singh isn’t fully aware of all Presidential issues; but that’s okay, since Bush wasn’t familiar with them either. Singh will rely on a script tree that lets him respond to most topics. Using those canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues. A spokesman said, “We know those scripting tools work. President Bush used them successfully for years.”
Singh might have difficulty producing a Texas drawl; but Bush has recently abandoned that “down home” persona anyway, to appear more intelligent.
Bush’s future
Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. After a 2-week wait, he’ll be eligible for $240/week unemployment for 13 weeks. He can’t collect Medicaid, since his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.
Bush has been given the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a résumé and prepare for his next job. According to Manpower, Bush may have difficulty securing a new position, since his practical work experience is limited. A greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested because of his extensive hand-shaking experience and phony smile.
Another possibility is his re-enlistment in the Texas Air National Guard. If he chooses that option, he’d likely be stationed in Texas for a month before being sent to Iraq, a country he’s visited. “I've been there, I know all about Iraq,” said Bush, who gained valuable knowledge of the country in a visit to Baghdad Airport’s terminal and gift shop.
Sources in Baghdad say Bush would get a warm reception from local Iraqis. They’ve asked for details of his arrival so they can arrange an appropriately explosive welcome.
The original version of that bulletin was written by Melynda Jill and posted at www.GodlessGeeks.com/outsourced.htm.
Economic policy
Politicians try to create an economic policy.
Reagan’s summary
Ronald Reagan complained that the government’s economic policy can be summed up in 3 sentences:
If it moves, tax it.
If it keeps moving, regulate it.
If it stops moving, subsidize it.
One-armed economist
The first president to appoint a council of economic advisors was Harry Truman. He enjoyed hearing what his council said, but he wished they’d be more definitive.
He moaned, “Give me a one-armed economist,” because he was tired of listening to economists who gave reasonable advice followed by, “On the other hand…”
Chaos
Here’s a tale from the Internet:
A surgeon, an architect, and an economist were arguing about which profession was the most important and godly.
The surgeon said, “God’s a surgeon: the first thing He did was extract Eve from Adam’s rib.”
The architect said, “No, God’s an architect: He built the world in 7 days out of chaos.”
The economist smiled, “And who made the chaos?”
2 cows
Economics courses often begin with this lecture:
In ancient times, a farmer had 2 cows. His neighbor had 2 chickens. The farmer wanted a chicken, so he bartered with his neighbor: he’d swap one of his cows for the neighbor’s chicken. Then each farmer could produce his own milk and eggs and was happy — until the first farmer realized the cow-chicken swap ripped him off, since he spent more labor raising the cow than the neighbor spent raising the chicken. That’s why bartering is unfair and inadequate — and why currency was invented.
When the Internet was invented, folks started posting jokes about how different types of governments and political beliefs would treat the 2-cow farmer differently. Here are examples:
Countries around the world
Communist Russia: You have 2 cows. The government seizes both and produces milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It’s expensive &sour.
Modern Russia: You have 2 cows. You count them, realize you have 4, drink more vodka, count the cows again, realize you have eleventy-six, drink more vodka, and fall asleep. Upon waking, you realize eleventy isn’t a number. You count the cows again and have 2 cows. You drink more vodka and try to drown the loss of eleventy-four cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over your cows.
China: You have 2 cows. 300 people try milking them, so you claim full employment & bovine productivity but arrest the reporter revealing the numbers.
Japan: You have 2 cows. You reengineer them so they’re a tenth as big and produce 20 times the milk. You teach them to travel on crowded trains, bow to each other, and do well at cow school. You sell cow cartoons, called Cowkimon, worldwide.
Israel: 2 Jewish cows open a milk factory and ice-cream store then sell the movie rights and send their calves to Harvard to become doctors.
Italy: You have 2 cows but don’t know where they are. While looking for them, you see a beautiful woman, so you break for lunch.
France: You have 2 cows but want 3, so you go on strike, eat lunch, and drink wine. Life is good.
Switzerland: You charge for storing 5000 cows that don’t belong to you.
Cuba: Your 2 cows swam away to Florida.
India: You have 2 cows. You worship both of them.
Quebec: You’re allowed 2 cows just if the French-speaking one is bigger than the English-speaking one.
Afghanistan’s Taliban: You get executed because your 2 cows are infidels and you’re accused of teaching those female bovines to read.
United Nations: France & Russia veto you from milking your 2 cows. The U.S. & Britain veto the cows from milking you. China abstains.
American political activists
Democrat: You have 2 cows but your neighbor has none, so you feel guilty and vote for politicians who tax your cows. To get money to pay the tax, you sell a cow. The government uses the tax to buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbra Streisand sings for you.
Republican: You have 2 cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
Libertarian: Go away! What I do with my cows is none of your business!
Constitutionalist: You can’t have cows. Our God-given Constitution doesn’t mention cows, so they don’t exist.
U.S. bureaucracy
U.S. farm policy: You have 2 cows. The government takes both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours it down the drain.
U.S. foreign policy: You have 2 cows. The government taxes you enough so you must sell both, to support a man (in a foreign country) who has just 1 cow, which was a gift from your government.
Food & Drug Administration (FDA): You have 2 cows. To test, you make the first cow drink 400 gallons of water a day. It dies, so you ban water. The other cow has cancer, but you ban cancer pills because making them requires water, so that cow dies.
Automated
phone system: You have 2 cows? Press 1 if that’s correct, 2
otherwise.… Please hold while we connect you to an operator.…
(Moo-zak)… Please continue to hold. Your cows are important to us.
American security
Central Intelligence Agency (CIA): You have 2 cows but can’t tell anyone about them. Yesterday they weren’t at your farm. Today they’re not there, again. If you ever have 2 cows, they have no names. You have no name. I have no name. Nobody has any names. Got it?
Disclaimer: Warning! Your 2 cows can cause bodily injury if not treated properly. Keep out of reach of children. We can’t be held responsible for any bodily injury sustained by interacting with cows.
American financiers
Capitalist: You have 2 cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd.
American corporation: You have 2 cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself, and do an IPO on the second one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of 4, so one cow drops dead. You’re surprised but tell analysts you’ve downsized and cut expenses. Your stock goes up.
Enron: You have 2 cows. From your bank, you borrow 80% of the forward value of the 2 cows, then buy another cow, with 5% down and the rest financed by the seller (on a note callable if your market cap goes below $20 billion) at a rate 2 times prime. You sell the 3 cows to your publicly listed company using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at another bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated offer so you get 4 cows back, with a tax exemption for keeping 5 cows. The milk rights of 6 cows are transferred through a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company owned secretly by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to 7 cows’ milk back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more. The public buys your bull.
States
Florida: You have 2 cows: 1 black, 1 white. You hold an election to see which is best. Some preferring the white cow accidentally vote for the black; some vote for both; some don’t vote at all; some vote correctly but their votes are declared invalid. Outsiders come and decide which cow is your favorite.
California: You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed because it spent its life living a lie, so it gets a sex-change operation, taxpayer-paid. Now you have 2 cows: 1 makes milk, the other doesn’t. You try selling the transgender cow, but its lawyer sues you for discrimination. To pay damages, you sell the milk-generating cow. Now you have one transgender, rich, non-milk-producing cow, so you change your business to beef. Then PETA pickets your farm, Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway, the California legislature passes a law giving your farm to Mexico, and the LA Times quotes 5 anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats. You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations. The cows starve to death.
Hollywood: You have 2 cows. You give them udder implants and teach them to dodge bullets, climb walls, and shoot milk from udders on command.
Arkansas: You have 2 cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
Nevada: You have 2 cows. You charge lonely men from Arkansas to spend the night with them.
Race
Racist: You have a black cow and a white cow. You abuse and fear the black cow. Then it produces less milk and becomes more violent. You say that proves the black cow was bad all along.
Rapper: You grew up with 2 cows but hated your parents, so you moved away at 16 and got shot. Now you have no cows. You say that’s because you’re black.
Affirmative action: You have 2 cows. The first cow has more black spots, so it gets into college.
Religious feelings
Catholic: You feel guilty for having 2 cows. Your priest says “Having cows is no sin; but if you feel guilt, free them and say 10 Hail Mary’s.”
Jehovah’s Witness: You have 2 cows. You go door-to-door, telling neighbors.
Vegan: You have 2 cows but must not use them.
Famous characters
Bart Simpson: You have 2 cows. Don’t have another cow, man!
Homer Simpson: You have 2 cows. Mmm… cows!
Spock: Dammit, Jim, you have 2 cows! They live long and prosper. That’s logical.
Dave Barry: You have 2 cows. They tend to explode. I’m not making this up.
Oprah: You get 2 cows. You get 2 cows. You all get 2 cows!
George W. Bush: You have 2 cows. You own them. We’ll give those 2 cows back to you and invest another 2 of those cows in the stock market to pay your retirement, and we can sell 2 of those cows. My opponent will say that’s impossible, but he’s just trying to scare you to vote for old-government ways to do things. Under my plan, everyone gets cows back.
Rush Limbaugh: Did you see the news that tree-huggers are after a fellow who owns 2 cows? They say the cows’ gaseous emissions cause global warming. Meanwhile, the femi-Nazis say udders insult women’s bodies. Well, I’ll just keep eating cheeseburgers and shooting cows, because that’s why God made them. If white Christian men earn their cows, tax-and-spend Democrats have no right to give them away to welfare moms.
Donald Trump: You have the world’s 2 biggest cows. You form a reality show called “Cowprentice,” where cows compete to live on your farm. Then you discover your farm’s bankrupt.
Illusionist
Quantum physics: Your 2 cows might actually be 1 cow in 2 places.
Law
Shakespeare recommended that we kill all the lawyers. I recommend laughing at them instead.
Courtroom bloopers
In courtrooms, lawyers asked these silly questions:
Did he kill you?
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
How many times have you committed suicide?
Were you present when your picture was taken?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
You were there until the time you left, is that true?
How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Here are more courtroom transcripts of lawyers and witnesses having trouble communicating:
Are you sexually active?
No, I just lie there.
Have you lived in this town all your life?
Not yet.
Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
Because he was argumentary and couldn’t pronunciate his words.
Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
He didn’t offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture.
What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
Oh, she’ll tell the truth. She said she’d kill that son-of-a-bitch, and she did!
What did he do then?
He came home, and the next morning he was dead.
So when he woke up the next morning, he was dead?
Can you describe the individual?
He was about medium height and had a beard.
Was this a male or a female?
What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
She’s my daughter.
Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
By death.
And by whose death was it terminated?
Are you married?
No, I’m divorced.
And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A lot of things I didn’t know about.
Did you blow your horn or anything?
After the accident?
Before the accident.
Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
How old is your son, the one living with you?
38 or 35, I can’t remember which.
How long has he lived with you?
45 years.
Do you recall the time you examined the body?
The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
All your responses must be oral. Okay? What school do you go to?
Oral.
How old are you?
Oral.
What did the tissue samples taken from the victim’s vagina show?
There were traces of semen.
Male semen?
That’s the only kind I know of.
What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Why did that upset you?
My name is Susan.
She had 3 children, right?
Yes.
How many were boys?
None.
Were there any girls?
Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
I will be 3 months November 8.
Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
Yes.
What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
No.
Did you check for blood pressure?
No.
Did you check for breathing?
No.
So it’s possible the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
No.
How can you be so sure, doctor?
Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
It’s possible he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Those transcripts and other weirdos were recorded by court stenographers and collected in several anthologies, such as Humor in the Court (1977), More Humor in the Court, (1994), Disorderly Conduct. (1999), and Disorder in the Court (1999 and 2004).
Judges
If you’re a good lawyer, you can become a judge, whose job is to make nasty remarks to other lawyers.
Famous female judges Here’s a tale of two women; which would you rather be?
Both women are judges in the U.S. Both are over 60 years old.
The first woman runs a small-claims court, which decides little questions such as “Did this guy overcharge for cleaning a shirt?” The second woman is on the U.S. Supreme Court, which decides big questions such as “Is abortion legal?”
The second woman (Ruth Bader Ginsberg) seems to have a better career, except for one detail: the first woman gets paid more. A lot more! 130 times as much!
Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s salary is $190,100; the other woman’s salary is $25,000,000. That’s because the “other woman” is Judy Sheindlin, the “Judge Judy” on TV.
Which would you rather be: a respected Supreme Court jurist (like Ruth Bader Ginsberg) or a rich TV judicial comedian (like Judge Judy)?
Which of those women is more famous? Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s writings will become famous through U.S. history books, but at the moment more people know Judy Judy’s face. Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s decisions will change the laws of the land and how they’re interpreted, but Judge Judy is teaching more people how law works.
I’m glad we have both women.
How to become a judge A judge is supposed to be an old, wise person who’s all-knowing, solving all arguments on all topics.
The British comedy troupe called Beyond the Fringe told of a bloke who said:
I’m a miner, but I’m planning to become a judge. When you’re old, they say you can’t be a miner anymore; it’s just the opposite with judges. To prepare to be a judge, I’m reading a book called “The Universe and All That Surrounds It: an Introduction.”
Jokes
Lawyers can be mean — and so are jokes about them.
Dogs Lawyers screw their clients’ opponents — then screw their own clients by charging large legal fees. Here’s a tale of how lawyers screw around:
An architect, a doctor, and a lawyer held a contest to see whose dog was smartest.
When the architect said “Go, Fifi,” his dog Fifi immediately constructed an exact replica of the cathedral of Chartres — out of toothpicks. Everybody clapped, and the architect gave Fifi a cookie.
Then the doctor said, “Go, Fluffy,” whereupon the doctor’s dog Fluffy immediately performed an emergency Caesarian section on a cow. The cow and calf came through the operation fine. Everybody clapped, and the doctor gave Fluffy a cookie.
Then the lawyer said, “Go, Fucker.” The lawyer’s dog fucked both other dogs, took their cookies, and went out to lunch.
More such tales are in Truly Tasteless Jokes (by Blanche Knott).
Barracuda When a boat got shipwrecked, barracuda ate all the passengers except the lawyers. Why not eat the lawyers? Professional courtesy!
Doctor versus lawyer When a doctor crashed his car into a lawyer’s, the lawyer asked the doctor, “Are you okay?” The doctor said, “Yeah.”
The lawyer said, “Have a drink.” The doctor took a swig from the flask and said “Thanks — aren’t you going to have one too?” The lawyer replied, “After the police get here.”
Noah’s Ark
Government creates lots of laws. So if Noah were living in the U.S. now, his tale would go like this:
The Lord told Noah, “A year from now, I’m going to make rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all evil people are destroyed. I command you to build an Ark to save the righteous people and two of every living species.” In a flash of lightning, God delivered the Ark’s specifications.
One year later, the rain began falling. But the Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard and weeping, with no Ark. “Noah,” shouted the Lord, “where’s the Ark?”
Noah replied, “Lord, forgive me. I did my best, but there were big problems.
“First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark. Your plans didn’t meet Code, so I had to hire an engineering firm to redraw them. Then I got into a fight with OSHA about the Ark needing a fire sprinkler system and approved flotation devices.
“My neighbors complained that to build the Ark in my front yard violated zoning ordinances, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
“I had problems getting enough wood because there was a ban on cutting trees, to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the Forest Service that I needed wood to save the owls, but the Fish & Wildlife Service won’t let me catch any owls.
“The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now the Ark has 16 carpenters but still no owls.
“When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal-rights group objecting that I’d take just two of each kind. Just when I got that suit dismissed, the EPA said I couldn’t finish the Ark until I file an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the universe’s Creator.
“The Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
“I’m trying to resolve the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission’s complaint about how many Croatians I must hire.
“The IRS seized all my assets because it claims my Ark’s goal is to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. The state sent a notice saying I owe a use tax and another saying I failed to register the Ark as a ‘recreational watercraft.’ The ACLU made the court issue an injunction against further construction, on the grounds that ‘God flooding the earth’ is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
“I can’t finish your Ark for at least 5 more years.”
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. “You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth, Lord?”
“No,” He said sadly. “I don’t have to. The government already has.”
The original version of that was copyrighted in 1997 by Hugh Holub, and you can read it at www.bandersnatch.com/noah.htm. Thanks, Hugh, for permission to print an edited version here!
War
Most wars are caused by xenophobia: fear of strangers. The best way to end wars is to share Pepsi and pizza.
Peace first
Before starting a war, try to resolve the conflict peacefully. If you absolutely must start a war, make sure you’re well prepared.
Will Rogers said:
Diplomacy is the act of saying “nice doggie” until you can find a rock.
Revolutionary wars
The American government says the September 11th terrorists did a despicable “cowardly” deed. I thought the word “cowardly” was a strange choice. It’s probably what the British said about us hiding behind trees during the Revolutionary War.
In the Revolutionary War for the liberation of America, we hid behind trees and fired at the British, and the British complained it was “unfair” that we weren't standing in an easy-to-shoot line: we weren’t following the rules of war; we were unfairly terrorizing the British troops. The families of those troops were quite upset.
In the Palestinian War for the liberation of Palestine, the pro-liberationists hid in planes and kamikazeed civilians in the World Trade Towers. We said it was “unfair” that they killed civilians instead of paid soldiers.
I guess what’s “fair” depends on which side you’re on.
Whose shoes?
I feel sorry for Palestinians who live in Israel and want to make an honest living. Their thinking goes like this:
Yeah, go call me “Ali Baba.”
Do you want to buy a shoe?
Please don’t call me now an “Arab,”
And I won’t call you a “Jew.”
Say I’m just from Meso’tamia
Where our Western culture grew.
Say that Israel is for “us,” and
Not just “me” and not just “you.”
What about the intefada?
Is it just for infants there?
Can us old folks have some peace, or
Must we tear out all our hair?
I am just a kind commuter,
Not a looter, not a shooter.
My computer? Want to boot her
But no ’lectric power there.
Want to calm her, but the bombers
Coming out of both sides’ lairs
Make me wish I were a kishka
Or a hummus dumpling there.
Sure, go call me “Ali Baba.”
Do you want to buy a shoe?
Please don’t call me now an “Arab,”
And I won’t call you a “Jew.”
Call me “Frank.” I’ll call you “Moe.”
Then mo’e frank we both will go;
And our children, they will thank us,
And our parents will not spank us,
As together we will grow,
Searching for our heaven’s glow.
— by Rasaalah Al-Walta
(Russell Walter’s Arabic cousin)
America’s first popcorn war
Back in the early 1960’s, John Kemeny (who invented the Basic programming language) said wars should be replaced by video games, where the opponents would fight each other on screen, winner take all.
Here’s what actually happened… the time is March 2003, and you are there…
Saddam is attacked by Baby Bush, but the media treats the whole “War against Saddam” as just a football game, similar to the Super Bowl. We wait for the referee to fire the opening shot. It’s the first scheduled war: “War will begin at 8PM EST.” We get stats on all the players, with pre-game comments from the coaches and quarterbacks. We get to see whether Bush attacks up the middle or does an end-run around the defensive tackles; whether he lobs some passes up into the air or throws straight ahead, Tomahawk style; and whether the sides, in their strategy huddles, lift their fingers with fake signals to fool the enemy. The TV shows photos of the quarterbacks, Bush & Saddam, displayed side-by-side.
20 years from now, if both of those men were still alive, they’d look back and reminisce about the “good old days” when they had sporting fun baiting each other at the Big Game and how they both managed to change the history of the world, especially the world’s international relations, laws, rules, and assumptions.
While watching the battle, I was sorry to be out of popcorn. I was eating a veggie burrito instead, which fortunately is non-political, since we haven’t attacked Mexico yet.
Hey, that’s an idea: instead of “food for oil,” let’s fight for “food for burritos.” Burritos are better than a steak bomb.
I waited for the Food Channel to show a snobby chef recommending the best food for war watching. “May we suggest the fillet? Perhaps after an aperitif?”
This war was great fun: for the first time, Bush was seen by most of the world as more evil than so-damn-insane Saddam Hussein. I wondered when Bush would feel tired of fighting, “bushed.”
This whole war was actually based on sex. Bush & Blair (heads of the U.S. & England) were young, their penises still strong and frustrated, and they wanted to attack Saddam’s opening, to come to an orgasmic conclusion to the crisis. The heads of France and Germany were older, tired, and just wanted the young headstrong men to quiet down and stop disturbing Europe’s nap time.
After the battle and recriminations, Bush and Saddam should have shaken hands and exchanged after-dinner mints.
France
When France objected to the U.S. war on Saddam Hussein, the
U.S. laughed at the French. Here’s a collection of
anti-French humor:
“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion.” — Jed Babbin
“The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.” — Regis Philbin
“I don’t know why people are surprised that France won’t help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn’t help us get the Germans out of France!” — Jay Leno
“What do you expect from a culture that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than Nazis?” — Dennis Miller
“You know why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates Americans and wears a beret. He’s French.” — Conan O’Brien
“I’d rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.” — General George S. Patton
“France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. France has usually been governed by prostitutes. Apart from those drawbacks, it’s a fine country.” — Mark Twain
On the other hand, Jacques Chirac, who was France’s President, said:
As far as I’m concerned, war always means failure.
Military advice
Here’s advice from Infantry Journal about how to fight:
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
Try to look unimportant: they may be low on ammo.
If your attack’s going too well, you’re walking into an ambush.
5-second fuses last just 3 seconds.
Here’s more fighting advice, from members of the military:
When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
Don’t draw fire: it irritates the people around you.
Any ship can be a minesweeper… once.
Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.
Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do.
Never be the first, never be the last, and never volunteer.
Here’s advice about flying, from the Air Force:
It’s generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
Try to stay in the middle of the air. Don’t go near its edges, which can be recognized by the appearance of mountains, ground, buildings, sea, trees, or interstellar space. It’s much more difficult to fly there!
Airspeed, altitude, and brains: two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
When faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
Flashlights are metal tubes kept in a flight bag to store dead batteries.
The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.
When one engine fails on a twin-engine plane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
If you crash because of bad weather, your funeral will be on a sunny day.
Without ammo, the Air Force would be just another expensive flying club.
You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.
What’s the similarity between air-traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; if the ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
The 3 most famous last phrases in aviation are “Why is it doing that,” “Where are we,” and “Oh shit!”
The military likes to poke fun at itself:
Marines, U.S. Marine Corps.: “Here’s what M.A.R.I.N.E.S. stands for: muscles are required, intelligence not essential, sir! Here’s what U.S.M.C. stands for: Uncle Sam’s misguided children.”
Navy intelligence: “In God we trust; all others we monitor. You didn’t see me, I wasn’t there, and I’m not here now.”
Air Force weapons troops: “Without weapons, it’s just another airline.”
Army: “If you spell U.S. ARMY backwards, you find out what it really stands for: yes, my retarded ass signed up.”
Coast Guard: “Support search-and-rescue: get lost.”
That list is part of what’s on page 140 of Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader, 18th edition. For more fun, get that edition and the other editions, too!
Engineers
How does a “mechanical” engineer differ from a “civil” engineer? The Internet gives this answer:
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Cute dictators
Donald Rumsfeld was Secretary of Defense under presidents Ford and Bush Junior. He bragged that Saddam Hussein met the same end as other bad dictators, such as Hitler, Stalin, Lenin, and that Romanian guy whose name is hard to spell.
But was Lenin really so bad? Compared to Stalin, Lenin was cute.
So was Saddam’s son, Odai. Sure, Odai had a reputation for being ridiculously cruel, even crueler than his dad. But when I look at photos of his face, before and after his death, I just melt, because his face is so cute. I finally realized it’s because he looks like the Italian actor Marcello Mastroianni: he has the same cute smile and puppy-dog eyes. Too bad Odai’s dead: he could’ve had a wonderful movie career. His dad raised him wrong.
Even Osama Bin Laden — who dictates to terrorists — looked cute. He looked just like the Jewish longhairs I went to school with. Too bad he disliked my group and started a cafeteria food fight, throwing airplanes. I don’t understand his goal: the Palestinian cause already got worldwide attention and sympathy; what did he expect to gain by making Moslems become disliked? He seemed immature. He was just a kid throwing temper tantrums, forcing the rest of the world to childproof everything, for protection from him.
African missionaries
Bishop Desmond Tutu, from South Africa, said:
When the missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the
land. They said, “Let us pray.” We closed our eyes. When we opened them,
we had the Bible and they had the land.