Government

Political philosophies

If you’re young and not a liberal, you haven’t got a heart.

But if you’re old and not conservative, you haven’t got a brain!

When President Jimmy Carter and I were young, we both believed the Soviets would treat the rest of the world kindly if the rest of the world would treat them kindly. But then the Soviets, without provocation, invaded Afghanistan. I was disillusioned, and Jimmy Carter was voted out of office.

When I was young, I believed that all people who claimed to be poor should be given generous welfare benefits. But after I chatted with many welfare recipients who used their money to eat in fancy restaurants, buy drugs, and visit prostitutes, I grew more cynical about the needs of the “needy.” Sure, there are members of society who are truly desperate and do need welfare money; and sure, the rich have a moral obligation to give large sums of money to the truly needy poor. But when I see the large percentage of welfare recipients who abuse and even laugh at the system, I want to cry.

When the governor of Alabama, George Wallace, was young, he ran for office on a platform of being nice to blacks. He even kissed black babies. He lost the race. Then he changed his tune, became a cynical anti-black segregationist, ran for office again, and — because he was a cynical segregationist — won! Although I don’t recommend imitating him (since segregation is immoral), his life proves one point: cynicism pays.

Republicans were rich.

Democrats were poor.

Republicans were conservative, to preserve their wealth and status.

Democrats were wild, because they wanted to change their status.

Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows.

Democrats raise hell, kids, and taxes.

Republicans employ exterminators.

Democrats step on the bugs.

Republicans go fishing on their boats.

Democrats stay fishing at the docks.

Democrats eat the fish they catch.

Republicans hang them on the wall.

Republicans grab financial pages and love them.

Democrats grab financial pages and shove them — into bird cages.

Republicans consume ¾ of all rutabaga produced in this country.

Democrats throw out the rest.

Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.

Democrats make up their own plans — but ignore them.

Democrats take individual delight in reading banned books.

Republicans form censorship committees to read those books as groups.

Democrats give their worn-out clothes to the less fortunate.

So do Republicans, who are smarter and take the tax deduction.

The junk along the road was thrown from car windows by Democrats,

but can’t be seen by Republicans from the back of their limos.

Democrats name their kids after athletes, entertainers, and politicians.

Republicans name their kids after the richest ancestors.

Republicans close their curtains at night — but needn’t bother.

Democrats leave their curtains open — to amuse Republicans.

Republican boys date Democrat girls.

They plan to marry Republican girls but feel entitled to a little fun first.

Republicans sleep in twin beds, often in separate rooms.

That’s why there are more Democrats.

What? You’re pregnant! No, you’re not going to have an abortion! I forbid it. You’re going to keep that baby for the rest of your life and suffer for it. Your life will be tough, miserable. That’ll teach you not to be the irresponsible woman you are!

What? You’re a mass murderer and killed 200 people? I feel sorry for you. You must have had bad parents, a bad upbringing, bad friends. You got cheated out of learning how to have a good life. The rest of your life will be full of pain. I feel sad for you. Let me pat you on the back. Let me hug you. Here, have a cookie.

The rich should be nicer to the poor. The rich should offer to donate to the poor, but some rich folks are stingy and should be required to donate; the simplest way is to charge them higher taxes. Karl Marx said the perfect society would act as a friendly team: each person would contribute as much as able and receive as much as needed, so wealth should be distributed more equally.

Though some people got rich by working hard, others got rich just by luck: gambling, the stock market, having rich parents, or having parents that provided a good education, or being in the right place at the right time with the right idea about how to make money. Other folks had worse luck (maybe from medical bills) and should get help from the government, paid for by contributions from the lucky.

If you tax the rich heavily, people won’t try to get rich, so people won’t try to work hard, so they’ll become lazy bums looking for government handouts.

A simple, flat tax, where everybody pays the same percentage of income, is a great idea and fair. The Bible says each person should be taxed at a flat 10%, or maybe even 24%, not more. Charity beyond that should be voluntary. High praise for giving to charity will encourage the rich to give more, so they become truly moral people.

A person who works a full 40 hours per week should be paid a “living wage”: enough to pay the living costs for a family of 4 (that person plus 2 kids plus a spouse to manage the kids & household).

The current federal minimum wage (which in 2021 is still just $7.25 per hour) is too low to handle that. In expensive cities such as New York City, you need at least $15 per hour to support a family of 4, unless you work a lot more than 40 hours per week, but that’s inhuman! God said everybody deserves at least 1 day of the week for rest.

Raising the minimum wage will help the economy, because a higher minimum wage will give workers more money to spend (so sales will increase) and reduce the need for welfare money & food stamps. It’s better to let workers earn a living wage than charge taxpayers to give workers welfare handouts.

If you raise the minimum wage, companies can’t afford to pay that wage so will hire fewer workers and try to rely on machines instead. The workers you’re trying to help will wind up unemployed instead.

Not all companies are rich enough to pay everybody high. Many companies are small, run by entrepreneurs who’ll go bankrupt if their costs skyrocket. Raising the minimum wage will put many companies out of business.

If your company raises the bottom employees to $15 per hour, all other employees will want raises also, since they’re better than the bottom, so payroll costs will rise through the roof, and the company must raise prices to compensate, thereby causing inflation, so money that retirees saved will be worth less.

It’s best to let companies be flexible about how much to pay. If you’re a kid who never had a job before, a company might be willing to give you your first job at a low starting pay but with a promise to pay you higher when you get good, as the company trains you how to improve. If the company is forced instead to pay you a high minimum wage, the company will decide you’re not worth that much yet, so the computer won’t hire you at all and won’t train you. A company should have the right to pay trainees less than regular workers, since trainees get free training from the company.

Some leftists are willing to “compromise” by saying trainees can get paid less than minimum wage if the trainees are called “interns,” but then you create a bureaucratic nightmare by creating complicated hoops the company must go through to prove somebody’s an “intern.” Just get off our backs and let us companies pay people what they deserve. If a worker does well, we’ll pay the worker more, partly to show appreciation and partly to prevent the worker from jumping to another company that pays more.

If the worker needs more cash, the worker can hold 2 or 3 part-time jobs simultaneously until the worker gets skilled enough to earn higher pay. Holding several jobs simultaneously gives the worker a chance to try several careers to see which career is the best match.

The federal government can’t create a high minimum wage that’s fair in all regions. The cost of living in New York City is quite different than living in a rural area, where a “living wage” is much less. Let each city create its own minimum wage, rather than have the federal government treat the whole country as a single blob. Better yet, don’t have any minimum wage at all!

Workers should have the right to band together to form unions. The Constitution guarantees the right to free assembly & free speech. Unions can confront stingy bosses to demand higher pay & better working conditions & benefits.

In many companies, if workers don’t unionize to complain, the management continues to do evil. A solo worker who complains about working conditions might get fired for being a nuisance, but an organized union complaining about working conditions can force managers to be nice, by threatening a strike that would shut down the company and hurt the managers.

Unions are needed, to balance the power between workers & employers.

Suppose most of a company’s workers join a union that achieves better benefits for all workers. The workers who haven’t joined the union should be required to help pay for the union’s management: join the union or pay a fee to the union, for services rendered.

In many unions, membership dues are too high and go straight to the pockets of the union’s managers, who are assholes that love fighting against the company’s owners instead of peacefully negotiating a deal that pleases everybody.

Forcing all employees to join a union and pay union dues & fees is effectively putting an unwanted tax on all employees. Instead of forming an expensive union to threaten the company’s owners, a bunch of employees should first go together, as a group, to the owners to air grievances humbly, before getting into a unionized shouting match.

Employees should have the right to not join a union and not bribe the union’s managers to start fights. That’s called “right to work” and freedom!

This country was founded by immigrants. We’re all either immigrants or descended from immigrants, unless you’re a pure Native American. We should treat immigrants as nicely as we were treated in our own lives. Immigrants who snuck into this country did so because life was unbearable in the countries they came from. If you lived in one of those countries, you’d try to sneak into this country too!

Some immigrants were little kids dragged here by their parents. Those kids grew up here; America is their home. If you throw them out, they’ll have an unreasonably tough time adjusting back to the countries they came from.

If a kid was born in the U.S., the kid’s legally an American citizen. If the kid’s parents snuck to the U.S., it’s unreasonable to send the parents back to their old countries and have the kid get put in a foster home here, at government expense. It’s more reasonable to let the parents stay here to take care of the kid.

In some families, the grandparents, parents, and kids all have different legal statuses from each other, because of the peculiarities of U.S. immigration laws. It’s unreasonable to split up those families.

Our government doesn’t have enough time & money to chase the 11 million illegal immigrants onto busses & planes and transport them all back to their original countries. It’s cheaper to let the illegal immigrants stay here, make them pay taxes, and make them get drivers licenses if they try to drive.

Some immigrants came here legally but then overstayed their visas because they love this country so much. Must we be so mean to people who love us? Taxing them should be enough.

This country was founded on the basis of laws. People who break laws should be arrested. If we don’t arrest illegal immigrants now, many more illegal immigrants will come and magnify the problem. Stop this madness now! Some immigrants come here to get free schooling & housing & better jobs, but they hide in the underground economy and don’t contribute any taxes to pay for the benefits they receive.

Most of our ancestors came here legally. The new immigrants should do the same. It’s unfair that some immigrants snuck in while the better immigrants tried to go through the legal process, had to wait a long time because of paperwork and quotas, then got rejected for reasons that weren’t their fault. Maybe increase the quotas a bit for legal immigrants, but don’t let in hordes of potential criminals, terrorists, tax cheaters, and welfare burdens. We can’t afford it.

If you let in too many immigrants, they’ll start by taking low-paying jobs, so fewer jobs will be left for poor Americans, who’ll become even poorer.

Discount retailers, such as Walmart, get too many of their supplies from China, Vietnam, and other countries. Walmart should be more patriotic and buy more American-made goods instead!

American farmers & factory workers want to sell to Walmart but face unfair competition from other countries, where wages are shamefully lower, working conditions are unfair & hellish, and products are made in ways that are unsanitary & bad for the environment. Unfair competition from other countries drives American wages down, causes American factories to move to other countries, and makes American workers unemployed.

Stop buying foreign crap!

We should keep buying from other countries.

If we buy less from other countries, those countries will retaliate by creating their own taxes, tariffs, and trade barriers to prevent their citizens from buying from us. Then we’ll have a harder time exporting what we make here, so American workers will be worse off.

If American workers want to be paid more than foreign workers, American workers must learn how to produce goods that have higher quality.

We should think internationally: competitive trade makes the whole world a better place. Trading freely with other countries makes those countries like us, so we don’t have to spend so much on our military & war. Happy trading makes friends, who become tourists, who pay us money. Win-win.

Spend less money to create wars. Spend more on education and other human services instead.

When two countries fight each other, we should help the good guys but not get involved heavily. If we try to act as the world’s policeman, people worldwide will call us “bullies,” hate us even more, and start more wars against what we stand for.

Give peace a chance. Negotiate. Use diplomacy. Try harder to find clever ways to please both sides of conflicts. Lead by example: show the benefits of peace.

We must defend ourselves, but let the U.N. handle international crises. That’s what the U.N. is for.

If our military is weak, lots of bad guys will find openings to blast at us. Look at 9/11. If we’d bombed the hell out of the jihadists, they wouldn’t have grown into the terrorist nightmare they’ve become. As long as there are nutcases willing to start wars, it’s our responsibility to destroy them before they destroy us.

The U.N. is mostly useless. Whenever a bad guy does something and the U.N. votes on how to react, the U.N. usually votes to do nothing, because either the security council or the general U.N. membership has enough objectors to block any action beyond giving cute speeches or a token slap on the wrist. If we want something definitive accomplished, we must do it ourselves and bypass the U.N.

Guns are too dangerous and should be banned. Too many people die from homicides & suicides caused by guns.

Background checks are inadequate to stop bad guys from getting guns, so all guns should be turned in, no guns sold.

People should be allowed to keep guns, especially in rural areas, for several reasons: hunt animals for food, kill animals who are dangerous, protect homes against burglars, protect pedestrians against robbers, and protect women against rapists.

Police can’t get to danger spots fast enough to stop the bad guys, so we citizens must have the right to protect ourselves. The Constitution’s 2^nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms.

If gun ownership is made criminal, then just criminals will have guns, and the world will be more dangerous. If good guys can keep guns, criminals will think twice before attacking good guys who might have guns.

People who are mentally ill should get therapy, which is more effective than laws trying to restrict everybody.

Eliminating guns is impossible, since smugglers will just import guns from other places and sell them to bad guys here.

Marijuana is a helpful tool, prescribed by wise doctors to reduce chronic pain. Like alcohol, marijuana should be permitted if used in moderation by adults.

Smoking marijuana is less harmful to your body than smoking tobacco and eating high-fat foods such as bacon. Since adults are allowed to smoke tobacco and eat bacon, adults should be allowed to moderately smoke marijuana, to be consistent. Legalizing marijuana, with moderate controls and tracking of who’s selling it, will stop gun-toting criminal pushers who scare law-abiding citizens.

Marijuana is a gateway drug to heroin and cocaine. People who get in the habit or smoking marijuana are more likely to “graduate” to heroin and cocaine, to get even higher, then get themselves into legal & medical trouble and a life of gun-toting crime. Stop adults & kids from getting hooked on marijuana, an addiction that leads to dangerous escalation. Government should protect the innocent from getting hooked on bad habits.

Marijuana prevents the brain from thinking clearly. If you use marijuana before driving a car or operating machinery, you increase your chance of causing an accident. If you use marijuana before thinking, you’re more likely to say something stupid that can haunt your life forever.

Marijuana can be more deadly than alcohol, because marijuana’s effects haven’t been studied as thoroughly yet.

Don’t risk your life. Don’t put our society at risk. Don’t use or permit marijuana.

If you need a pain killer, get it from a doctor prescribing a tiny dose of a pain pill; don’t take marijuana, whose potency can vary dangerously.

If you smoke marijuana, your non-inhaling neighbors will complain: they dislike the smell and should have the right to avoid it. Many places have laws against smoking tobacco in public places; legalizing marijuana will mean creating complicated laws against smoking marijuana in public places. We don’t want even more laws, do we?

A woman should be able to choose what happens to her body and what’s inside it. The government should keep its hands off a woman’s body. Prohibiting abortion discriminates against women.

Though late-term abortions are disgusting & repulsive, sometimes they’re needed to save the mother’s life & sanity and prevent the birth of a baby who wouldn’t be cared for enough. If a woman gets pregnant, abortion should be permitted at least in the first few weeks, when the fetus is just a few cells, has no personality yet, and isn’t truly a person. If the woman got pregnant from getting raped or drunk or stupid or an accident, she shouldn’t be forced to suffer though many years of a motherhood she wasn’t prepared for.

Abortion is murder. It’s murdering a human. When an egg meets a sperm, it becomes a person. The Bible says don’t murder the innocent; it says be kind to the helpless, don’t murder them. If abortion is allowed, kids & adults will have sex too freely, knowing they can just kill the baby.

If it’s okay to kill an innocent baby, how about a toddler or schoolkid or an adult? Where will the killing stop? End killing immediately, as soon as the egg meets the sperm.

If the woman doesn’t want the baby, she can put it up for adoption. She shouldn’t just kill it.

If two people love each other, they should be able to live together and express their love to each other.

People whose hormones or backgrounds make them gay shouldn’t be discriminated against. The Constitution protects freedom of expression.

The most complete person would be able to love everybody, be bisexual, and choose a favorite to be married to, without government nagging to love differently.

The Bible says marriage is between a man and a woman. Marriage should stay that way, as God said.

The Constitution intended just male-female relationships. If we make it too easy to get married, people will marry their friends just to get tax breaks and dishonest medical benefits for “spouses.”

Gay sex is disgusting, leads to AIDS. Stop it before good Christians vomit.

The United States is supposed to be a melting pot, accepting people from all religions. The Constitution guarantees religious freedom. Muslims, Hindus, atheists, and other non-Christians shouldn’t be forced to pay taxes to fund Christian symbols.

Government buildings and government-funded parks should avoid religious displays, which intimidate their visitors to switch religions. They discriminate against people with different religions. Religious discrimination is illegal! Religious symbols should be displayed just on religious properties and at homes of religious people.

Companies should avoid religious symbols unless all prospective employees & customers have the same religion, which is unlikely. Displaying symbols from a variety of religions might be okay in some museums and art collections, but that might intimidate people whose religions aren’t included.

This country was founded by God-fearing Christians. References to the Christian God appear throughout our Constitution and laws. I swear to tell the truth “so help me God.” Christmas is a federal holiday, and no reasonable person wants to change that.

The Constitution guarantees the right to express yourself, and that includes the right to express your religion. Showing a picture of Jesus is less offensive than what some kids wear nowadays. Anti-religious people should get off our backs!

We agree that we should all be moral & ethical. Religious symbols encourage people to be moral & ethical. Gentle religions make the world a better place and should be encouraged.

If you disagree with our particular religious symbol, we hope you’re adult enough to realize our intention is sound. We respect your right to feel differently about religious details, but we hope you’re adult enough to respect our own right to express the love that Jesus tried to give the world.

                                                                                             Left  Right

Should companies who hurt the environment pay bigger fines? yes     no

Should the government provide & require health insurance?  yes     no

Should we keep the fancy tax system (breaks & penalties)?   yes     no

Should governments make college be free, like high school? yes     no

Should governments provide free daycare & preschool?        yes     no

Should private schools be ineligible for government funds?   yes     no

Are donkeys nicer than elephants?                                         yes     no

YouTube.com/watch?v=8h_N80qKYOM

It’s always easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.

Corrupt politicians make the other 10% look bad.

Patriotism is when love of your people comes first.

Nationalism is when hate for people other than your own comes first.

A politician  thinks of the next election.

A statesman thinks of the next generation.

A statesman looks to the next generation.

A politician  looks to the next election.

A political consultant looks to the next tracking poll.

A politician  says what people want to hear.

A statesman says what people need to know.

A statesman learns more from his opposition than from fervent supporters.

A politician understands government.

A statesman is a politician who’s been dead 15 years.

A statesman is a dead politician. We need more statesmen.

When you’re out of office, you can be a statesman.

A stateman’s first requirement is that he be dull.

A politician is a statesman who approaches every question with an open mouth.

A statesman wants courage & vision, but after 6 months he wants mainly patience.

There’s a certain clubbiness to being an ex-president.

You’re no longer a politician. You’re a statesman.

The fastest way for a politician to become an elder statesman is to lose an election.

A politician is a person whose politics you disagree with.

If you agree with him, he’s a statesman.

At home, you must always be a politician.

Abroad, you feel yourself a statesman.

If no war, you don’t get a great general.

If no great occasion, you don’t get a great statesman.

If Lincoln had lived in a time of peace, no one would have known his name.

A man who’s confident, ambitious, and strong is a statesman and a leader.

A woman with those qualities is called a not-so-flattering name.

BrainyQuote.com/topics/statesman-quotes

I became a journalist and then a fashion designer, but now the only thing that makes me truly happy is to try doing some good for the world.

Today’s school-age generation is full of exceptional kids. They’re going to save the world.

We’re leaving them a lousy deal, but they can change it. All they must do is learn not to hate. If you don’t hate each other, the world is limitless and could be wonderful.

Today’s problem: the erosion of caring & civility. There’s too much polarization.

I tell kids: we’re not football teams, we’re a country. Don’t say you’re going to play for just the blue people or the red people. We’re all people; we’re all our brother’s keeper and all must look out for each other.

10% of people are wonderful, 10% are awful. But the other 80% are sheep who follow. They don’t make up their own minds; they just listen to TV or look online.

People like to follow, because it’s easier than to think things out for yourself. People tend to follow the bully more easily, because all they must do is just stand there and do nothing. If you follow the good person, you tend to have to actually say something or do something good, and it’s more of an effort. If people aren’t educated & informed, it’s easier for the bully to sway the 80% in the wrong direction.

Ben Ferencz’s dad sat his kids down every night and asked them,
“What have you done for humanity today?” When I talk like that to kids in my audience, they get it. Each of us can do something, however small, for humanity.

Be nice to the kid nobody wants to talk to. Open the door for a teacher. Pick up a piece of trash.

Everybody can do something good every day. If you just get into that habit, you become a nice society.

In politics, as in show business, you need 3 things to be successful:

talent, discipline, and luck.

Canada’s prime minister, Justin Trudeau, clearly has the first 2. I wish him luck.

Vote early. Vote often.

Stand up for your principles — and to succeed, change them.

Speak decisively but without deciding anything.

To win the middle, embrace Joe Six-Pack. He has a big middle.

If you vote for what’s right, you won’t be left in the race.

Don’t vote for who’s right. Vote for who’ll win!

Protest with your heart, but vote with your brain.

Folks fought for your freedom, but don’t freely use freedom in ways we don’t like!

If you don’t vote, you can’t complain — but if you vote unwisely, we’ll complain about you!

A mayor may err.

A governor may successfully govern, or…

A president may set a bad precedent.

After an election, a candidate will have a good morning or a good mourning.

YouTube.com/watch?v=hef7v6fp_DQ

First of all, I’d like to say I’m delighted to be here. Beep!

I don’t mind being here. Beep!

I was forced to be here.

Your opponent says you’ve distorted certain facts about your background.

That’s not true. I was born Phillip Cabot Swarthmore the third. Beep!

Phillip Cabot Swarthmore the second. Beep!

My name is Dicky Frostheimer.

The charge has been made that you falsify your educational background.

I graduated from Harvard University. Beep!

I went 2 years to Harvard. Beep!

1 year at Harvard. Beep!

I took a summer session at Harvard. Beep!

I was held back in the 8^th grade. Beep!

Alright, the 4^th grade!

It seems you’ve taken every opportunity to slander your opponent’s character.

Nonsense. I feel my opponent’s a decent man. Beep!

He’s an okay man. Beep!

He’s a man. Beep!

He’s bisexual.

Isn’t it true you won’t subsidize heating bills for our senior citizens this winter?

Absolutely not! No one’s more concerned about our senior citizens than I. Beep!

There may be some small cutbacks. Beep!

Some big cutbacks. Beep!

They’re gonna freeze their asses off.

It’s been alleged your major contributors are corporate fat cats.

That’s not true. All my contributions come from the small working man. Beep!

From the middle class. Beep!

It’s all from the Mafia.

What’s your position on equal rights for women?

I look forward to a day when all Americans are equal, regardless of sex. Beep!

I’m looking forward to a day when they’re kinda equal. Beep!

I’m looking at your boobs.

It’s been rumored you’ve been having marital problems.

Nonsense. I’ve been happily married for 25 years. Beep!

I’ve never been with another woman. Beep!

Once! Beep!

Alright, last night I had 6 Chinese girls on a forklift truck. Are you satisfied?

Are you a bribe-taking, gay, Communist, peeping-Tom, wife beater?

No, no, no, no, no. Beep!

2 out of 5 ain’t bad. Beep!

4 out of 5 ain’t bad. Beep!

In conclusion, if elected I’ll be the most honest candidate ever elected. You can trust me! Beep!

The voter doesn’t mind an “estate tax” but opposes it when called a “death tax.”

The voter is unsure about “tort reform” but favors it when called “ending lawsuit abuse.”

The voter is against “global warming” but accepts it when called “climate change.”

The voter is against “government eavesdropping” but accepts it when called “electronic intercepts.”

The voter is against “torture” but accepts it when called “aggressive interrogation techniques.”

The voter is against the U.S. starting an “invasion” but accepts it when called a “liberation.”

The voter is against war’s “escalation” but accepts it when called “troop surge.”

The voter is against war’s “civilian casualties” but accepts them when called “collateral damage.”

The voter is against the U.S. being an “occupying power” but accepts it when called a “coalition partner.”

The voter is against a U.S. “retreat” but accepts it when called a “phased troop redeployment.”

The voter is worried about “civil war” but less worried about it when called “sectarian strife.”

Political term                 Republican definition

laziness                              when the poor aren’t working

leisure time                        when the rich aren’t working

growth                               justification for tax cuts for the rich

simplify                             reduce (especially the taxes of Republican donors)

compassionate conservatism poignant concern for the very wealthy

bankruptcy                        a means of escaping debt, available to corporations but not poor people

ownership society              civilization where just the owners have power

class warfare                      any attempt to raise the minimum wage

alternative energy sources  new places to drill for gas and oil

healthy forest                     no tree left behind

climate change                   progress toward the blessed day when blue states are swallowed by oceans

voter fraud                         a significant minority turnout

honesty                              lies told in simple declarative sentences, such as “Freedom is on the march.”

stuff happens                     I don’t have to live in Baghdad

stay the course                   continue to perform the same actions and expect different results

pro-life                              valuing human life up until birth

woman                              a person trusted to raise a child but not to decide whether to have one

No Child Left Behind         ensuring that stupid kids learn enough to get jobs in the military

creation science                  theory that Bush’s resemblance to a chimpanzee is just coincidental

Patriot Act                          preemptive strike on American freedoms, to prevent terrorists from
                                          destroying them first

Ozone from electric cars kills millions in 7^th largest country, Mexifornia, formerly called California. White minorities still try to get English recognized as Mexifornia’s 3^rd language.

Castro dies at age 112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Baby conceived naturally; scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Spotted-owl plague threatens Northwest crops and livestock. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. New federal law requires registering all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers. Postal Service raises price of 1^st-class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to just Wednesdays. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%. 85-year 75-billion-dollar study says diet & exercise are keys to weight loss. Supreme Court decides: punishing criminals violates their civil rights. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

It permits inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed.

To simplify name recognition, I’ll change my name to Don L. Trump.

To keep money out of politics, I’ll refuse donations, spend no money on my campaign, and pay no filing fees to get on state ballots. Politicians should be generous, not self-serving, so I’ll not vote for myself and not tell people to vote for me. As President, I won’t be bribed: I’ll accept no gifts, no salary: I’ll just volunteer and live on social security.

I’ll hear all issues from both sides: in one ear, out the other.

I’m in favor of animal rights, so no dogs or other pets will be forced to live in the White House.

To welcome all Americans, regardless of sexual orientation, I’ll make the White House be colored like a rainbow. It’s time to have a Black woman as President, so if elected I’ll change my gender and race accordingly! Everyone should have
15 minutes of fame, so if elected President I pledge to step down after 15 minutes! All people should be treated equally, so if I become your President I pledge to make all Americans be President too!

To improve international relations, I’ll reserve a White House room for Putin, plus rooms for all other major leaders. To create all those rooms in the White House, I’ll get rid of the kitchen: I’ll make sandwiches at my desk and occasionally order takeout.

After my Presidency, I pledge to not become a lobbyist, though if I eat too much I might become a rotunda.

Presidents we’ve had

Congress announced the Presidency will be outsourced to India. The move’s being made to save the president’s $400,000 yearly salary. The office of president will be assumed by Mr. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India. He’s eligible for the Presidency because he was born in the U.S. while his Indian parents vacationed at Niagara Falls. He’ll be paid $320 a month but no health coverage or other benefits. Because of the time difference between the U.S. and India, he’ll work mainly at night, when most U.S. government offices are closed, and can handle the job without support staff. He said, “Working nights will let me keep my day job at the American Express call center.”

Singh isn’t fully aware of all presidential issues; but that’s okay, since Bush wasn’t familiar with them either. Singh will rely on a script. Using those canned responses, he can address common concerns without understanding the underlying issues. A spokesman said, “We know those scripts work. President Bush used them successfully for years.”

Singh might have difficulty producing a Texas drawl; but Bush recently abandoned that “down home” persona anyway, to appear more intelligent.

Bush was given Manpower’s outplacement services, to help him write a résumé and prepare for his next job. Manpower says Bush might have difficulty securing a new position, since his practical work experience is limited, but suggested a greeter position at Walmart because of his extensive hand-shaking experience and fake smile.

Jan. 20, 1993

Dear Bill,

When I walked into this office just now, I felt the same sense of wonder & respect I felt 4 years ago. I know you’ll feel that too.

I wish you great happiness here. I never felt the loneliness some Presidents have described.

There will be very tough times, made even more difficult by criticism you may not think fair. I’m not a very good one to give advice, but just don’t let the critics discourage you or push you off course.

You’ll be our President when you read this note. I wish you well. I wish your family well.

Your success now is our country’s success. I’m rooting hard for you.

Good luck —                           George

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Historical_rankings_of_presidents_of_the_United_States

                                            2005    2010   2018    2018   2021

President                 Party   WSJ     USPC   APSA   Siena   CS        Av.

  1. George Washington  none  A+        A+        A+        A+        A+        A+

  2. John Adams           Fed    B           B          B          B-         B          B

  3. Thomas Jefferson   D-R   A          A          A          A          A-         A

  4. James Madison      D-R   C+         B-         B+        A-        B-         B

  5. James Monroe       D-R   B-         B          B-         A-        B+        B

  6. John Quincy Adams  D-R   D+        C           C          B-         B-         C

  7. Andrew Jackson     Dem  B+         B+        B          C+        C          B-

  8. Martin Van Buren  Dem  D+        D          D+        C-         D-         D+

  9. William H. Harrison Whig                           F-         F          F           F

10. John Tyler              Whig F+         F           F+        F+        F           F+

11. James Polk            Dem  B+         B-         C+        B+        B-         B

12. Zachary Taylor       Whig F+         F+         D-        D          D-         D-

13. Millard Fillmore    Whig F           F           F+        F+        F+         F+

14. Franklin Pierce       Dem  F-          F-         F          F          F          F

15. James Buchanan    Dem  F-          F-         F-         F-         F-         F-

16. Abraham Lincoln   Rep   A+        A+        A+        A+        A+        A+

17. Andrew Johnson    Dem  F           F           F          F-         F-         F

18. Ulysses Grant        Rep   D          D          C+        C-         C+        C-

19. Rutherford Hayes   Rep   C-         D-         D+        D          D-         D

20. James Garfield        Rep                             D-        D+        D+        D

21. Chester Arthur       Rep   D+        D-         D          D-        D          D

22&24. Grover Cleveland  Dem  B          C          C-         C          C-         C

23. Benjamin Harrison Rep   D-         F+         D          D-        D          D-

25. William McKinley Rep   B-         C+        C+        C+        B-         C+

26. Theodore Roosevelt  Rep    A          A          A          A          A          A

27. William H. Taft      Rep   C           D+        C          C          C          C

28. Woodrow Wilson   Dem  B+         A          B+        B+        B          B+

29. Warren Harding     Rep   F-          F-         F          F          F+         F

30. Calvin Coolidge     Rep   C-         D          D+        D          C-         D+

31. Herbert Hoover     Rep   D-         D+        F+        F+        F+         D-

32. Franklin Roosevelt Dem  A+        A+        A+        A+        A+        A+

33. Harry Truman       Dem  A-         A-         A          A-        A          A-

34. Dwight Eisenhower  Rep    A-         B+         A-        A          A          A-

35. John Kennedy       Dem  B-         B-         B-         B+        A-         B

36. Lyndon Johnson    Dem  C+         B          B+        B-         B+        B

37. Richard Nixon       Rep   D-         C-         D-        D+        D          D

38. Gerald Ford           Rep   D          C-         C-         D+        D+        D+

39. Jimmy Carter         Dem  F+         C+        C-         C-         C-         C-

40. Ronald Reagan      Rep   A-         B+        A-        B          A-         B+

41. George H.W. Bush Rep   C           C-         B-         C+        C+        C+

42. Bill Clinton            Dem  C-         C          B          B          C+        C+

43. George W. Bush     Rep   C+?       D-         D          D-        D+        D

44. Barack Obama       Dem               A-?       A-        B-         B+        B+

45. Donald Trump       Rep                             F-?       F?         F           F

      Which presidents got that average

A+  George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Franklin Roosevelt

A    Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt

A-  Harry Truman, Dwight Eisenhower

B+  Woodrow Wilson, Ronald Reagan, Barack Obama

B    John Adams, James Madison, J. Monroe, J. Polk, J. Kennedy, L. Johnson

B-   Andrew Jackson

C+  William McKinley, George H.W. Bush, Bill Clinton

C    John Quincy Adams, Grover Cleveland, William H. Taft

C-   Ulysses Grant, Jimmy Carter

D+  Martin Van Buren, Calvin Coolidge, Gerald Ford

D    Rutherford Hayes, James Garfield, C. Arthur, R. Nixon, George W. Bush

D-  Zachary Taylor, Benjamin Harrison, Herbert Hoover

F+  John Tyler, Millard Fillmore

F    William Harrison, Franklin Pierce, Andrew Johnson, W. Harding, D. Trump

F-   James Buchanan

In 2005, The Wall Street Journal (WSJ), working with James Lindgren of Northwestern U. Law School and the Federalist Society, surveyed 78 scholars (30 historians, 25 political scientists, and 23 law professors) and told them to judge each president on 2 factors: “his presidency’s accomplishments” and the “leadership he provided the nation.” It tried to give equal weight to conservative scholars and liberal scholars. For example, Republican-leaning scholars thought George W. Bush was A-, but Democrat-leaning scholars thought he was F+, so his grade is a compromise: C+.

In 2010, the United States Presidency Centre (USPC) at the University of London surveyed 47 British specialists in U.S. history & politics and told them to judge each president on 5 factors: foreign-policy leadership, domestic leadership, moral authority, agenda-setting vision, and historical significance. The results were published in 2011.

In December 2017 and January 2018, the American Political Science Association (APSA) surveyed 170 members of its Presidents & Executive Politics section. The results were published in 2018.

In 2018, Siena College (a Catholic College in Loudonville NY) surveyed 157 presidential scholars, historians, and political scientists and told them to judge each president on 20 factors: foreign-policy accomplishments, domestic accomplishments, handling the economy, executive appointments, court appointments, relationship with Congress, ability to compromise, willingness to take risks, communication ability, leadership ability, executive ability, overall ability, intelligence, avoiding mistakes, integrity, imagination, party leadership, background, luck, and overall impression.

In 2021, C-SPAN (CS) surveyed 142 scholars (historians and other professional presidential analysts) and told them to judge each president on 10 factors: international relations, economic management, crisis leadership, administrative skills, relations with Congress, public persuasion, moral authority, agenda-setting vision, pursued equal justice for all, and performance within context of times.

Brief presidents William H. Harrison and Garfield were presidents just briefly. (William H. Harrison was president just 31 days until he died of pneumonia. Garfield was president just 200 days because he was shot.) Since there wasn’t much data about them, WSJ and USPC didn’t grade them.

Lincoln era Lincoln gets A+. The 3 presidents before him (Fillmore, Pierce, and Buchanan) get F+ or F or F- because their incompetence led to Civil War — though as Kennedy pointed out, don’t be so quick to criticize Buchanan until you thoroughly understand what dilemmas he faced. The president after Lincoln (Andrew Johnson) gets F because he badly handled the South’s reconstruction from the Civil War.

Mixed bags John Quincy Adams, Van Buren, and Taft accomplished a lot during their lifetimes but not during their presidencies, so their presidential grades are mediocre. Kennedy was a mixed bag: he had nice rhetoric but didn’t accomplish much. Nixon was a mixed bag: he did some things that were wonderful and some things that were terrible.

Recent presidents George W. Bush, Barack Obama, Donald Trump, and Joe Biden were presidents just recently, so it’s too early to grade their accomplishments accurately. Some surveys omitted them or gave them question marks.

2016 election

Hot air rises.

You’re at least 35 years old.

You were born in the U.S.

(or have some other excuse to call yourself a “natural-born citizen”).

You’ve lived in the U.S. at least 14 years, while a citizen or permanent resident.

You didn’t make Congress call you a jerk

(by getting impeached or breaking an oath to uphold the Constitution).

You weren’t already President for 2 terms (or most of 2 terms),

since you’re not allowed to be President thrice.

8 years of a Republican (Eisenhower)

then 8 years of Democrats (Kennedy & Johnson)

then 8 years of Republicans (Nixon & Ford)

then a Democrat (Carter)

then Republicans (Reagan & Bush the elder)

then 8 years of a Democrat (Clinton)

then 8 years of a Republican (Bush the younger)

then 8 years of a Democrat (Obama)

then a Republican (Trump)

then a Democrat (Biden)

Democrat Carter had a disaster (a war with Iran that led to an oil crisis, recession, and failed mission to rescue hostages), so he lasted just 4 years. The Republicans stole his other 4, so the Republicans got 12 years instead of 8 that time.

Republican Trump was a bit crazy, not a true Republican, so even some Republicans disliked him.

Know Buddy for President! Put Know Buddy in the White House!

Know Buddy is your buddy. Put your Buddy in the White House!

Know Buddy is really right for this election!

Know Buddy can make a difference!

I wait for Know Buddy! I’ll stand behind Know Buddy!

Nobody is equal to Know Buddy!

Once you know Buddy, you’re for Know Buddy!

No candidate is loved more than Know Buddy!

Once you know who’s your Buddy, you’re for Know Buddy!

When Know Buddy’s ahead, others take note,

So give Know Buddy your vote!

Know Buddy knows the trouble I’ve seen!

Know Buddy loves you when you’re down and out!

Know Buddy loves me. Know Buddy cares!

I need some Buddy to love!

This ad was approved by Know Buddy.

2 Democrat governors                        When quit

Lincoln Chafee   Rhode Island                 Oct. 23, 2015

Martin O’Malley Maryland                     Feb.   1, 2016

9 Republican governors

Rick Perry          Texas                           Sept. 11, 2015

Scott Walker       Wisconsin                     Sept. 21, 2015

Bobby Jindal      Louisiana                    Nov. 17, 2015

George Pataki     New York                   Dec. 29, 2015

Mike Huckabee  Arkansas                     Feb.   1, 2016

Chris Christie     New Jersey                  Feb. 10, 2016

Jim Gilmore       Virginia                        Feb. 12, 2016

Jeb Bush            Florida                        Feb. 20, 2016

John Kasich        Ohio                            May   4, 2016

1 Democrat U.S. senator

Bernie Sanders    Vermont                       July 12, 2016

5 Republican U.S. senators

Lindsey Graham South Carolina             Dec. 21, 2015

Rand Paul          Kentucky                     Feb.   3, 2016

Rick Santorum    Pennsylvania                Feb.   3, 2016

Marco Rubio      Florida                        Mar. 15, 2016

Ted Cruz            Texas                           May   3, 2016

2 Democrat U.S. secretaries

Jim Webb           Secretary of the Navy   Oct. 20, 2015

Hillary Clinton    Secretary of State         Nov.   9, 2016

1 Republican U.S. commissioner

Mark Everson    Commissioner of IRS   Nov.   5, 2015

1 Democrat outsider

Larry Lessig       Harvard law professor  Nov.   2, 2015

3 Republican outsiders

Carly Fiorina      Hewlett-Packard CEO  Feb. 10, 2016

Ben Carson        Johns Hopkins surgeon    Mar.   2, 2016

Donald Trump    NY real-estate owner    winner

Elizabeth Warren    (U.S. senator from Massachusetts, Democrat)

Mitt Romney           (Massachusetts governor, Republican)

John Bolton (Ambassador to U.N., Republican) got ignored, so he gave up early (May 14, 2015). After the election, he became President Donald Trump’s National Security Advisor.

Mike Bloomberg (New York mayor, Independent) was shocked by the 2 extremists (extreme leftist Bernie Sanders and extreme rightist Donald Trump). He said: if the election turned into a choice between those 2 crazies, Sanders-versus-Trump, he’d run as the middle-of-the-road reasonable independent candidate. He said he’d decide by March 2016. But when March came, he realized Bernie Sanders would not be the Democrat nominee, so he bowed out (March 7, 2016), to let Hillary Clinton be the middle-of-the-roader.

Joe Biden (Vice President, Democrat) was the U.S. Senator from Delaware, then Vice President under Obama. He wanted to become President, but one of his sons suddenly died. That son had urged him to run, but Joe was too grieved to have enough energy to run. Also, Joe was busy being Vice President, his wife was skeptical of being dragged through another mudslinging election, and he’d suffered earlier through 2 heartbreaking deaths: a car accident killed his first wife & daughter and seriously injured his 2 sons. He finally said no (October 21, 2015). After the election, he felt sorry he didn’t run against Donald Trump, whom he hated.

Larry Lessig (Harvard law professor) wanted campaign-finance reform. He promised that if he got elected and accomplished campaign-finance reform, he’d quit being President and let the Vice President take over.

Jim Webb (Secretary of the Navy) received many awards for heroic fighting in Vietnam. His 3^rd wife was a Vietnamese immigrant. Ronald Reagan made him Secretary of the Navy but refused his request for more ships, so he quit then became a U.S. Democrat Senator from Virginia. But when he ran for President, he talked too hawkishly to please Democrats.

Lincoln Chafee (governor of Rhode Island) was a Republican, then an Independent, then a Democrat.

He arose: he was a mayor, then a U.S. Senator, then Rhode Island’s governor. His dad was Rhode Island’s governor also; so were his great-great-grandfather and great-great-uncle.

When he announced he was running for President, he said the U.S. should switch to the metric system. Science teachers applauded, but everybody else thought that was the wrong priority for a President, so they laughed at him. He got further pooh-poohed when he admitted that as U.S. Senator, his first vote was wrong because he didn’t know yet what he was doing.

Martin O’Malley (governor of Maryland) was Baltimore’s mayor before becoming governor. Baltimore is a troubled city, but he claimed he made it slightly better than before and made Maryland generally wonderful.

He was a reasonable compromise between leftist Bernie Sanders and hawkish Hillary Clinton. Since his initials are M.O’M., I told him to distribute a bumper sticker saying “Reasonable M.O’M,” which moms could put on their cars. He thanked me for that suggestion but didn’t use it.

Unlike Bernie Sanders & Hillary Clinton, he was easy to approach, shake hands with, and chat with, since he wasn’t mobbed by thousands of fans. He got ignored. At one Iowa event he advertised, just one voter came to see him.

He proudly listed 15 goals the U.S. should meet. But he didn’t say how to accomplish them, and none of them involved foreign policy, since he didn’t know much about that. Unlike other candidates, he emphasized improving the environment, so young environmentalists loved him.

Age 53, he bragged he was younger than Hillary Clinton & Bernie Sanders and represented a new generation. But his youth was his liability: he wasn’t yet mature enough to give good speeches. He sounded like a robot (or a high-school kid running for student council). His speeches lacked the fire & pointedness needed to enflame a national campaign.

Mark Everson (Commissioner of IRS) got ignored, so he quit early.

Jim Gilmore (governor of Virginia) didn’t campaign much, so got ignored.

Lindsay Graham (U.S. senator from South Carolina) was a hawk who got few votes. After Trump became President, he gave anti-Trump speeches.

Rick Santorum (U.S. senator from Pennsylvania) is a nice guy, gentle, but strongly right-wing on religious issues: against abortion & gay marriage.

George Pataki (governor of New York) was gentle but didn’t have much to say. Cynics said he stayed in the race awhile just to become famous and get paid more as a consultant.

Scott Walker (governor of Wisconsin) campaigned in New Hampshire by riding his motorcycle everywhere, to look cool. He was proudly tough on unions, so the teachers union hated him.

Mike Huckabee (governor of Arkansas) was evangelical, strongly against abortion & gay marriage. He also was a commentator on Fox TV. After the election, his daughter (Sarah Huckabee Sanders) became President Donald Trump’s press secretary.

Rick Perry (governor of Texas) made too many gaffes. His most famous was back in 2012, when he tried to say he wanted to eliminate 3 departments of the U.S. government (Commerce, Education, and Energy) but couldn’t remember the 3^rd one, so he got laughed at then ignored.

Bobby Jindal (governor of Louisiana) is the son of immigrants from India, but he was born in Louisiana. He was born a Hindu but converted to being Catholic. He was a U.S. Congressman from Louisiana then became Louisiana’s governor.

He wanted even the poorest people to pay taxes, so they’d feel involved in the tax process & government. He wanted a 2% tax on the first $10,000 per person (so $20,000 per married couple), then a 10% tax on the next tax bracket ($10,001 to $90,000 per person), then a 25% tax on the rich (earning over $90,000 per person).

Carly Fiorina (Hewlett-Packard CEO) was only female Republican candidate. She wanted to cat-fight against Hillary Clinton and threaten Vladimir Putin, whom she met while Hewlett-Packard’s CEO. But she’d suffered 2 failures: Hewlett-Packard’s board of directors fired her because Hewlett-Packard did poorly during the tech industry’s downfall, and she lost when trying to become a California senator. She talked tough, dramatically & clearly, so voters liked her, until voters discovered that what she said was often false. Donald Trump criticized her for having an ugly face.

She was very right-wing. 2½ months after she quit, right-winger Ted Cruz chose her to be his Vice President candidate. She accepted. But 6 days later he quit.

Jeb Bush (governor of Florida) is the younger brother of President George W. Bush (and son of President George H.W. Bush). He’s nice & gentle, so even a Democrat like me could like him. When he was a college kid, he traveled to Mexico and married a Mexican woman, so he had sympathy for immigrants and spoke Spanish decently.

He was nicer and smarter than his brother, whom some people disliked, so he avoided mentioning his last name was Bush: his campaign signs said just “Jeb!”

As the fight against other Republican candidates got more heated, he made the mistake of trying to imitate them: he nudged himself into becoming more right-wing. That made him look too shifty.

Rand Paul (U.S. senator from Kentucky) is a libertarian, like his dad (Ron Paul, who ran in the previous election). He believes in as little government as possible, so he wants to shut down the Department of Education and many other government activities and get involved in fewer wars & interventions. But he’s less extreme than his dad: he admits the U.S. should at least still keep military bases in other countries. He believes in a flat tax: every person & business should pay a 14.5% flat income tax but no other payroll taxes (no taxes for Social Security & Medicare) and no taxes on investments (capital gains, dividends, interest, and inheritance).

Besides being a senator, he was also an eye doctor (ophthalmologist). His supporters thought he was the only candidate who could see straight.

His speeches & writings contained many passages he plagiarized from other sources, though he eventually promised to stop doing so.

Chris Christie (governor of New Jersey) was a typical New Jerseyite: boldly blunt & candid. I’m from New Jersey too, so I liked his style and thought he’d be a great President, even though I’m a Democrat. Hillary Clinton’s staff feared him more than any other competitor. But his brain was worse than his style: when he started announcing specific policies, I realized his thinking was senseless.

His image was smashed by a scandal called BridgeGate, where his assistants illegally closed ramps to the George Washington Bridge to punish Fort Lee’s mayor for being anti-Christie. Though Christie himself was never implicated, the incident proved he had poor judgment in choosing assistants.

After he quit, he befriended Trump and hoped to become Trump’s Vice President, but Trump wisely picked Pence instead. Afterwards, Christie became disliked in New Jersey and the most hated of all U.S. governors.

Marco Rubio (U.S. senator from Florida) is the son of immigrants from Cuba. He was born in Miami but speaks Spanish fluently, better than any other candidate. A young, handsome, smart lawyer who spoke eloquently & forcefully, women fell in love with him and wanted to vote for him.

Many Republicans thought he was the best candidate, since his views were moderate. But when attacked by Ted Cruz, Marco tried to imitate Ted by moving farther right; and when attacked by Trump for being short, Marco stooped to Trump’s level by claiming to have a bigger penis than Trump. Marco’s downfall was hastened by candidate Chris Christy, who pointed out that whenever Marco was asked a question, Marco just repeated a memorized canned speech, rather than answering the exact question. The final result: Marco came across as being immature, not ready to be President yet.

Ben Carson (Johns Hopkins surgeon) was the only Black candidate. Of all candidates, he was the most soft-spoken, contradicting the stereotype that Blacks should be noisy. Though he spoke softly, his words were often wise & cynical. He’s smart: he was the brain surgeon who ran the team that separated Siamese twins joined at the head (though those twins did not live happily ever after).

He was very right-wing. He was very religious and took the Bible literally: he didn’t believe in evolution (even though he was a scientist), and a sentence in the Bible made him believe the pyramids were used for storing grain (and made archaeologists think he was nuts).

To help young Blacks, he believed America should give them better education (so they can get better jobs) rather than hand them welfare checks. His anti-welfare attitude makes him popular with right-wingers: he was a White right-winger’s ideal of what a Black guy should be.

He didn’t know much about foreign affairs. While running for President, he tried hard to try to catch up on foreign affairs, but his staff complained he was a slow learner on that topic.

After the election, he became Trump’s Secretary of Housing & Urban Development (HUD).

He thought the rich should be nicer to the poor. He hated the rich for being rich. He railed against what he calls the “billionaire class.”

He wanted to raise the federal minimum wage ($7.25) to $15 fast. Some rich cities had raised their minimum wages to $15 already, but he demanded the whole country do the same.

He demanded the government give free tuition for all 4 years of public college. He said: the government gave free tuition for public high schools, so why stop at just high school? To get high-paying jobs, kids normally need 4 years of college. He said a good education should be everybody’s right, not just a privilege.

Same for health care: he said everyone should get Medicare benefits, even the young, not just senior citizens, since good health should be a right, not just a privilege. Same for family leave: everyone should get free paid vacation time to care for their babies.

Denmark acquired its prosperity back when it was capitalist.

Denmark’s experiment with being socialist was now being scaled back.

Denmark was now tough on immigrants.

We’re in the same generation. We were both born in New York City to a Jewish father who immigrated from Europe to escape Nazis. We both have New York accents; his is stronger, pure Brooklynese! We both care about religion but attend religious services rarely. We both escaped New York, went to prestigious colleges elsewhere, then lived most of our lives in New England: he in Vermont, I in Massachusetts then New Hampshire.

We both look unkempt: a reporter described him as looking like an “unmade bed.” We both hate wearing suits but wear them when we’re forced to. We tend to wear the same clothes, the kind popular 50 years ago at J.C. Penny’s. We eat the same cereal: raisin bran.

In college, we both got involved in the U.S. civil rights struggle. We both traveled south to make a difference, he as a protester, I as a teacher.

Later, I was a teacher & writer; he was a protester & political leader, as mayor of Burlington, Vermont then U.S. Congressman then U.S. Senator. He ran as an independent (since his views were farther left than most Democrats) but then renamed himself a Democrat so he could be the Democrat candidate for President.

We have similar speaking styles: we speak dramatically & candidly, not censoring our mouths when truth must be said.

His extra taxes on the rich wouldn’t be enough to fund all his benefits to the poor.

Most Democrats believe a good President should run a campaign based on love for everybody, rich & poor. Nudge the rich to give more to the poor, nudge strongly and by taxes, but with a smile. Bernie & I both love Pope Francis, but I wish Bernie would act more like that pope, talking love!

Not all rich people are evil. Bill Gates is often the richest person in the world, but he’s a philanthropist who encourages other philanthropists to give to worthy causes, such as improving world health. Bill Gates is not evil.

Bernie’s yelling at the rich “billionaire class” sounds scarily like Hitler’s yelling at the “rich Jewish class.” I’m not rich, but Bernie’s hate speech scares me anyway.

Bernie wanted to protect U.S. unions from having their factories shut down by competition from Mexico, China, Vietnam, and beyond, so he wanted lots of laws & taxes to prevent trade.

I believe in showing love for the whole world. Let people from all countries compete in the global marketplace: if U.S. factories are no longer competitive, teach our workers new skills.

If you make Walmart stop buying cheaply from China, many Walmart shoppers won’t be able to afford the higher prices Walmart will charge, so many Americans will get fewer goods and be, in effect, poorer. Also, people who work in factories that export to China and Mexico will complain they can’t sell their goods, because China & Mexico will retaliate against the trade barriers by creating their own.

In every speech, he said the same stuff. He was like a broken record, saying the same comments repeatedly. He complained the media didn’t give him enough attention, but the media couldn’t give much attention to a guy who so boringly repeats himself.

No matter what folks ask him, he just blames the billionaires. If I ask him an innocent question, such as whether he prefers vanilla or chocolate, he’d probably turn it into another excuse to blame billionaires: he’d say they manipulate the cocoa market, so we’re morally bound to protest against chocolate and choose vanilla.

I told his staff I’d volunteer to help Bernie improve as a candidate, but his staff gave me the usual answer: the staff couldn’t communicate with Bernie, since he was too wrapped up in his fame to have time to chat with underlings.

I love B.S.

Bernie Sanders

His math was wrong about balancing his budget. His percentage was wrong when he claimed the rich controlled a big percent of the wealth. His claim was wrong that restricting trade would make life better for the average American.

They liked his offer of getting free college tuition and other free benefits paid by the rich, because those kids weren’t rich yet. They considered him a humorously grumpy grandpa who was a cheerleader for everything they wanted.

Margaret Thatcher said it’s easy to vote for a socialist who’s spending someone else’s money. Saturday Night Live said kids like Bernie because he’s like a kid: full of big plans and no idea how to accomplish them.

Since he inspired voters and threatened Hillary, he made her change her policies and move farther left. His hatred of foreign trade was copied gently by Hillary, dramatically by Donald Trump.

When young, he trekked to South America to join socialist/Communist rebels in their celebrations.

He also wanted our government to confiscate all U.S. TV stations, to prevent them from being biased by billionaire owners. The confiscation would be done without reimbursing TV’s stockholders: screw them all! He soft-peddled that position later, thankfully, since a government controlling all TV stations would leave no room for creatively independent TV.

She was the only finalist who had White House experience. She was the First Lady (President Bill Clinton’s wife). When Bill Clinton was governor of Arkansas, she was First Lady there too.

She was the only finalist who had a job in the federal government’s executive branch. She was Secretary of State during President Obama’s first term. She ran the State Department and met all important world leaders.

She’d been a legislator. She was the U.S. senator from New York.

She knew lots about the judicial system. She’d been a lawyer, with a doctorate from Yale Law School.

She understood women’s issues best. She became the only female candidate (after Carly Fiorina quit).

She was the most intellectually gifted politician. She graduated from a top women’s school (Wellesley College) with honors in political science. She was the first student to ever give that college’s commencement address, which got her a 7-minute standing ovation.

Her parents were Republican and raised her to be the same. In high school, she campaigned to make Republican Barry Goldwater be the next President. In college, she was president of the Wellesley Young Republicans.

She helped Republican John Lindsay become mayor of New York City and Republican Nelson Rockefeller try to be President. They were both nice guys, but she wisely abandoned the Republican party when she was asked to help Richard Nixon become President.

She came across as cold & crafty in public, mean-spirited in private. Secret Service guys tried to hide when she came down the hall, because they couldn’t stand dealing with her tirades. When she was supposed to give a speech, she usually came very late, sometimes an hour and a half after the doors opened. Many folks voted for her anyway because they hated other candidates, but nobody really loved her.

As former First Lady and Secretary of State, she was required to keep some of her thoughts private. She wasn’t at liberty to let her hair down and tell the public what she really thought of all the evil people in the world.

Maybe a less formal hairstyle would have helped? In a perfect world, hairstyle wouldn’t matter, but women are often judged by their appearance rather than their brains.

It was hard for her to chat with folks asking her questions, since Secret Service guys tried to keep her away from folks who might kill her.

A true intellectual, she thought carefully & cautiously about both sides of each issue, so she often took a middle ground, which makes her seem unenthusiastic, too calculating, conniving.

The country was in the mood for wild change. She wasn’t wild enough.

But when the emails were put there, they weren’t considered classified yet: they were declared classified later, when standards changed as to what’s “classified.” Using personal email to store sensitive messages was also done by Republicans (General Colin Powell and aides to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice), and kids do that all the time, so trying to incarcerate Hillary for that isn’t fair.

In 2016, Republican voters wanted a President who’d shake things up. Trump & Ted Cruz were more dramatic, more noisy & exciting, and more popular (though also more likely to wreck the country). Smart Republicans in smart parts of this country voted for John, but most Republican voters weren’t that gifted.

Trump & Ted Cruz acted immature, sniping at each other in many ways. John was mature. During Republican debates, John was called “the only adult in the room.”

He graduated from a Baptist high school as valedictorian. He got a bachelor’s degree in public policy from Princeton University, where he won many championships for being the best debater & speaker.

He got his law doctorate from Harvard, where he was a top editor of 3 different law journals and graduated magna cum laude. Law professor Alan Dershowitz called him “off-the-charts brilliant!”

He got involved in the U.S. Supreme Court, as a clerk to Chief Justice William Rehnquist then as a lawyer arguing cases before that court. He often won.

Finally he became U.S. Senator from Texas. Texans who said “Don’t mess with Texas!” said “Don’t mess with Ted!” because he was an extremely accomplished lawyer and debater.

His parents were both mathematicians. While they visited Canada to analyze oil drilling, he was born, so he got dual Canadian-U.S. citizenship. To simplify becoming U.S. President, he gave up his Canadian citizenship in 2014.

Since he wasn’t born in the U.S., his competitors claimed he couldn’t become U.S. President. But most lawyers felt he could become President, and a court ruled in his favor.

He believed abortion should be illegal unless birth would kill the mom.

He was against gay marriage and gay civil unions.

He’d prefer no minimum wage at all. He’d let each business decide for itself what wage to pay to get good workers. He’d let businesses pay workers less, so businesses could hire “unemployables” as interns, for on-the-job training.

Cruz bragged that he was hated. He said it proved he wasn’t part of the Washington establishment, and he’d be the best guy to spearhead the drive to “throw all the bums out” of Washington. That made Washingtonians hate him even more.

Cruze for Hillary!

His first wife, Ivana, was a fashion model from Czechoslovakia. They had a daughter (Ivanka) and 2 sons (Donald Junior and Eric). Because Ivana’s English grammar wasn’t good, she called him “The Donald,” and so do reporters now.

His second wife, Marla, was an actress from the U.S. (Georgia). He started an affair with her while still married to Ivana.

His third wife, Melania, was a fashion model from Slovenia. He started an affair with her while still married to Marla.

He’s really, really rich.

He’d like to marry his daughter.

Anyone not perfect should get fired.

Protesters should be punched in the face.

If a man threatens the U.S., kill his family.

No Muslims should ever enter this country.

If a woman isn’t beautiful, she should hide.

We should torture any terrorists we capture.

He has a bigger penis than other candidates.

Hillary should be executed by a firing squad.

All newspapers criticizing him are worthless trash.

Any woman who criticizes him must be having her period.

The terrorist group ISIS was founded by Obama & Hillary.

We should punish every woman who’s ever had an abortion.

Tell every overweight woman she’s “a pig” and “Miss Piggy.”

Most Mexican immigrants are rapists, thieves, and drug dealers.

Russia’s leader, Vladimir Putin, is wonderful because he’s tough.

He hopes real-estate prices crash, because then he can buy cheap.

When Americans get massacred, praise Trump for predicting that.

The ideal President is the person smart enough to not pay any taxes.

It’s okay to discriminate against Blacks, because so does everyone else.

Obama’s a liar with a fake birth certificate and was really born in Kenya.

We should build a wall on Mexico’s border and make Mexico pay for it.

Women who oppose him have faces too ugly to be President or First Lady.

Any soldier who gets captured & tortured by the enemy is stupid, not a hero.

Don’t buy Ford cars or Oreo cookies, because they’ll all be made in Mexico.

Ted Cruz should be banned from being President because immigration courts will delay that inauguration. It’s okay for any famous man to walk up to a woman stranger, reach under her skirt, and stroke her genitals. He pays contractors 30% less than agreed on, because that’s the smart way to do business, since contractors can’t afford to sue. If your son was a U.S. soldier who got killed in battle, your family sacrificed less for your country than a businessman who creates jobs. He donates money to Republicans & Democrats, even if he disagrees with them, because that’s how business leaders stay in business. When Miss Universe contestants are in their dressing rooms, it’s okay for him to walk in without knocking and enjoy seeing them nude, because he owns the pageant. The 11 million illegal immigrants should all be snatched immediately from their homes and bused back to the border & beyond, even if they fled here to escape from Central American criminals, even if they’re kids in school, even if they or their relatives would become orphans; we should deport them all — and deport Hillary Clinton, too!

Oversimplification: He’d like to marry his daughter. Trump’s actual words: “I said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.” Trump’s excuse: He just meant his daughter is pretty. Trump’s weakness: Provocative photos showed Trump getting too intimately close to Ivanka when she was a teenager.

Oversimplification: Protesters should be punched in the face.
Trump’s actual words: As for a certain protester, “here’s a guy, throwing punches, nasty as hell, screaming and everything else when we’re talking. And he’s walking out and we’re not allowed, you know —the guards are very gentle with him, and he’s walking out, like the big high-fives, smiling, laughing. Like to punch him in the face, I tell ya!” Trump’s excuse: Trump didn’t say the protester should be punched; Trump just said he felt a momentary desire to punch. Trump’s weakness: Trump’s loose rhetoric made many of his fans punch protesters afterwards, even though punching protesters is illegal assault.

Oversimplification: No Muslims should ever enter this country. Trump’s actual words: I want a “total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until our country’s representatives can figure out what is going on.” Trump’s excuse: Some Muslims think violent anti-American protests are justified and that the U.S. should obey Muslim law rather than the Constitution. The ban on Muslims entering the country could be temporary, until our government can learn more about which Muslims are dangerous. Exceptions might be made for famous good Muslims, such as Jordan’s king and London’s new mayor. Trump’s weakness: It’s illegal to discriminate against a religion, since the Constitution guarantees freedom of religion. Many Muslims are peaceful and not anti-American. If a peaceful U.S. citizen who’s a Muslim visits another country as a tourist and then wants to return to the U.S., it would be crazy for customs officials to prevent him from returning and take away his citizenship and passport. Banning people who say they’re Muslim would backfire, because if a customs official asks, “Are you a Muslim?” a good Muslim would say “yes” (and be banned) but a terrorist Muslim would lie by saying “no” (and enter). Banning Muslims would also make our Muslim allies in the Middle East hate us (and refuse to work with us) and accidentally help anti-U.S. propaganda.

Oversimplification: Any woman who criticizes him must be having her period. Trump’s actual words: About reporter Megyn Kelly attacking me by asking me tough questions on TV, “She gets out and starts asking me all sorts of ridiculous questions. You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever.” Trump’s excuse: He claimed he didn’t mean she was menstruating, just meant she was very angry, about to burst a blood vessel and have a nosebleed. Trump’s weakness: Observers don’t believe his excuse. They believe that when he said “her wherever” he meant her vagina.

Oversimplification: Most Mexican immigrants are rapists, thieves, and drug dealers. Trump’s actual words: “When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending the best. They’re not sending you; they’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.” Trump’s excuse: Many illegal drugs are brought to the U.S. by travelers from Mexico & Central America. Some of the immigrants came from Central America to flee drug violence there, and Trump did read an article saying some of the smuggled immigrants were raped by their smugglers. Trump’s weakness: Many of the immigrants were the victims of rape, not the perpetrators, and were fleeing from drug gangs, not members of them.

Oversimplification: Any soldier who gets captured & tortured by the enemy is stupid, not a hero. Trump’s actual words: As for John McCain, “he’s not a war hero. He’s a war hero because he was captured? I like people who weren’t captured, okay? I hate to tell you.” Trump’s weakness: When John McCain was captured by North Vietnam, he was horribly tortured and repeatedly beaten and maimed for many years because he refused to be disloyal to the U.S., so he deserves lots of sympathy. As The Washington Post put it, “As Trump was preparing to take Manhattan, McCain was trying to relearn how to walk.”

Moon Day

Donald Trump! Donald Trump!

The candidate who ends on his rump

Then bounces back, eats you as a snack.

If you object, he calls you a “hack.”

Twos Day

Blondie boy! Blondie boy!

He plays with you like you’re his new toy.

He slaps your sex, says you have bad genes.

If you object, he calls you all “queens.”

Wed Day

Drama guy! Drama guy!

Yes, he’s the one for whom we all cry.

Some cry their love, while some cry their shame,

But all he loves is hearing his name.

Thirst Day

Greatest guy! Greatest guy!

Our Trump’s the guy who gets us all high.

Just Trump can make America great:

As great as mace, he grates on your face.

Fried Day

Dis that guy? Dis that guy?

Oh, he’ll find you and hurl you a pie.

A fine meringue, it lands with a bang,

Your face disgraced by Donald Trump’s gang.

Sat Day

Donald Trump! Donald Trump!

The candidate whose polls get a bump.

Now you’ll become a strumpet-whore, too:

Say “hi” to guys, then blow them and screw.

Some Day

Screw poor whites. Screw the blacks,

Then screw Latinos: call them “wet backs.”

Next, screw Chinese and Muslims. Who knew

That someday he will even screw you?

Battle Hymn of the Republic

Mine eyes have seen the glory of he coming of the Lord.

He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored.

He has loosed the fateful lightning of His terribe swift sword:

He truth is marching on.

Glory, glory, hallelujah!

Battle Him of the Republicans

My guys have seen the gory of the coming of the Trump.

He is trampling out the virtues, put the Democrats in dump.

He has loosed his fitful lightning when he gets into a funk.

His tweets go marching on.

Chorus:

Gory! Gory! How’s it to ya?

Gory! Gory! How he’ll screw ya!

Gory! Gory! Feeling blue, yah?

His tweets go marching on.

It’s tempting to impeach him, but that takes a lot of work.

While he tramples on our values, Trump is really quite a jerk.

If you try to be just truthful, Trump fights back and goes berserk.

His tweets go marching on.

(repeat the chorus)

The USA was great, but now he makes us grate our teeth.

We had tried to reach for heaven, but we fell to “underneath.”

We have turned friends into enemies; we feel their anger seethe.

Don’t freak. Be sweet. Be strong.

(repeat the chorus)

Humpy Trumpy

Humpy Trumpy sat on his wall.

Humpy Trumpy had a great fall.

All of his hoarseness and all of his men

Couldn’t put Trumpy together again.

“Humpy”: Trump humped many women (such as his 3 wives and 2 porn stars) and bragged how women let him do that.

“Sat on his wall”: Trump insisted on building a wall to block Mexicans from illegally entering the United States, and he got part of it built.

“Had a great fall”: after becoming President, his popularity fell, so voters didn’t reelect him.

“His hoarseness”: Trump kept saying awful things loudly.

“His men couldn’t”: Trump’s White House staff couldn’t make Trump look reasonable, so many of them quit or got fired.

Trump-endectomy

The Trump pets sound for Trump the clown.

He loves renown.

He strokes my calf, my golden calf of love for him

And what he’s done to make my life devoid of fun.

We laughed, now frown. We wail & cry.

We’re saddest clowns.

The Grandest Waltz

Now he is the man who’s more grand than before.

His fans love his hands and their plans for more gore.

The clans he can’t stand are ripped far from our shore,

While fans in the stands cheer him on, want him more.

President Trump is the grandest of men:

Tells grandest lies and then tells them again,

Crows like a rooster and pecks at the hens.

Please don’t elect Donald Trump once again!

Patriotism     is when love of your people comes first.

Nationalism  is when hate for people other than your own comes first.

We need more healers and less hate.

He wanted to permit medical marijuana.

He wanted to discourage trade with other countries.

He wanted the U.S. to show more sympathy for Palestinians (though later, after the election, he pissed off the Palestinians by moving the U.S. embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem).

He wanted the U.S. to do less fighting in the Middle East, though he said he wouldn’t mind occasionally dropping a bomb.

At first, he was a Republican.

In 1999, he switched to the Independence Party.

In 1999, he then switched to the Reform Party.

In 2001, he switched to the Democrat Party.

In 2009, he switched to the Republican Party.

In 2011, he became Independent.

In 2011, he then returned to the Republican Party.

A typical Trump conversation makes minimal linear sense. But most big superhero movies today make no sense either. They’re just a lot of quick spurts, jumbled points of view, and over-the-the-top caricatures. Like Donald Trump.

Trump picked Mike Pence (Indiana’s governor and previously in the U.S. House of Representatives, with a J.D. from Indiana University, age 57).

The next week, Hillary picked Tim Kaine (Virginia’s U.S. Senator and previously Virginia’s governor, with a J.D. from Harvard, age 58). Bonus: he learned to speak Spanish.

In the Vice Presidential debate on October 4, 2016, each accomplished his mission: Tim Kane reminded voters of the awful things Trump said. Mike Pence reminded voters that although Trump often sounded extreme, the Trump-Pence ticket puts at least one adult in the White House: Mike Pence!

Trump has no self-control. He has no decency or empathy. He apparently thinks: “If you compliment me, I compliment you. If you criticize me, I mock you.”

The Republicans nominated a total narcissist misogynist bigot. Trump must not be elected president.

I can’t look my kids in the eye and tell them I voted for Donald Trump. I can’t tell them to love their neighbor and treat people the way they wanted to be treated, then let myself vote for Trump.

Voting against Trump is the only choice for reasonable, thoughtful Republicans. Our President must represent what’s good about America: a belief in opportunity for all (regardless of race, gender, and background) to rise and live the American dream. A President mustn’t tear down Hispanics, mock the disabled, and print symbols that offend Jews.

I’m leaving the Republican party and becoming independent. If the party regains its sanity, I’ll return.

The U.S. government can be dangerous. Hillary has the most experience with it. It’s like you’re on a plane and want to choose a pilot. One person, Hillary, says, “Here’s my license. I’ve flown thousands of flights. I’ve flown planes in difficult situations. I’ve had good flights and some bad ones, but I’ve flown often and know how this plane works.”

Bernie says, “Everyone should get rides right to their houses with this plane!” “How will you do that?” “I just think we should. To be fair, everyone should get to use the plane equally.”

Trump says, “I’m going to fly so well! You’re not going to believe how good I’m going to fly this plane! By the way, Hillary never flew a plane in her life.” “She did, and we have pictures.” “No, she never did.”

Hillary: experienced

Bernie: unreasonable optimist

Trump: liar

Trump’s unfit to be President and keeps proving it. His attack on a family whose son died for our country and his lack of basic knowledge about international issues mean he’s woefully unprepared.

His statements are repeatedly denounced by leading Republicans, including the Speaker of the House, the Senate Majority Leader, and prominent Republicans like John McCain. They should ask themselves: if you say his words are unacceptable, why do you still endorse him? What does that say about your party? There must be a point where you say, “This is not somebody I can support for President, even if he purports to be a member of my party. Somebody who makes those statements doesn’t have the judgement, temperament, and understanding to occupy the world’s most powerful position.”

I’ve disagreed with some Republican presidents but didn’t doubt they could function as President. I think Mitt Romney & John McCain were wrong on some policy issues, but I never doubted they could do the job. If they’d won, I’d have said to all Americans, “This is our President, and I know he’ll abide by norms, rules, and common sense, observe basic decency, and know enough that our government will work.” But that’s not the situation with Trump. There must come a point where you say, “Enough!”

http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/president-obama-donald-trump-unfit-serve-president/story?id=41066637

Let’s compare the 2 candidates, side by side.

While Hillary was fighting segregation in the South, Trump was sued for discriminating against people of color. While Hillary’s released every tax return from the past few decades, Trump’s provided nearly nothing about his financials. While Hillary was fighting for first responders after the 9/11 tragedy, Trump was bragging his building was now the tallest in lower Manhattan. While Hillary’s foundation saved lives around the globe, Trump’s “charity” used donations to buy a 6-foot-tall painting of himself.

His daily utterances should disqualify him; but because he says something outrageous or nonsensical every time, he gets a pass. Let’s change that.

Barack & I tell our daughters: the hateful language they hear from public figures on TV doesn’t represent this country’s true spirit. We explain: when a person is cruel or acts like a bully, you don’t stoop to that level. No, our motto is: when they go low, we go high. Barack & I take that same approach to our jobs as President & First Lady, because we know our words & actions matter, not just to our girls but kids nationwide who saw us on TV. This election is about who’ll shape our kids for the next 4 or 8 years. I trust just Hillary.

I want someone who knows this job, understands that the issues a President faces are not black & white and can’t be boiled down to 140 characters, because when you have the nuclear codes at your fingertips and the military in your command, you can’t make snap decisions. You can’t have a thin skin or tendency to lash out. You must be steady, measured, well-informed.

I want a President with a record of public service, whose life’s work shows our children we don’t chase fortune for ourselves, we fight to give everyone a chance to succeed — and we give back, even when we’re struggling ourselves, because we know someone’s worse off, and there but for the grace of God go I.

I want a President who’ll teach our kids everyone in this country matters, a President who believes the vision our Founders put forth: we’re all created equal, each a beloved part of America. When crisis hits, we don’t turn against each other: no, we listen to each other and lean on each other, because we’re stronger together.

Hillary will be that President.

CNN.com/2016/07/26/politics/transcript-michelle-obama-speech-democratic-national-convention/index.html

Trump claims his business experience will help him “make America great again,” despite failures such as Trump University & Trump Steaks. But business isn’t politics. I’ve been a real-estate lawyer for 48 years, handled huge deals. The skills that make a real-estate entrepreneur succeed would produce a bad President, because real estate differs from the presidency in 6 ways:

1. Businessmen can walk away from a deal. If a real-estate developer doesn’t trust a potential partner, he can find a different interested party. At the White House, no: the President can’t just walk away from China if he doesn’t like Xi Jinping. Failed talks with Iran, Iraq, Syria, Russia, or North Korea can devastate.

2. Companies can fire at will. Not in politics. Trump would have to work with 535 members of Congress he can’t fire; many will want him to fail. He hasn’t shown skill handling people who disagree with him, nor any desire to learn how; instead he mocked & belittled anyone who challenged him, by calling them names: “Little Marco,” “Lyin’ Ted,” and “Crooked Hillary.” If German Chancellor Angela Merkel sharply disagrees with him, could he restrain himself from attacking personally that American ally?

3. Executives are autocrats. Though real estate is heavily regulated, developers aren’t: they can buy whatever they want if they have money. But the President is tightly constrained by laws, rules, and regulations. Trump doesn’t understand Presidential limits. His pledge to make Mexico fund a border wall by imposing a tariff on imports from Mexico would need Congressional approval and violate the North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA). His plan to confiscate remittances to Mexico would require court action and proof of criminality; courts would say no.

4. In business, fact checkers are rare. Sellers can say almost anything they want during a real-estate negotiation; those representations are eventually put into writing, but the buyer must verify. Most contracts say the parties can’t rely on anything said beforehand. If a falsehood’s found just after the buyer signs the agreement, too bad for the buyer! Trump often lies; but on the world stage, words matter.

5. A common business ploy is to create anxiety. By threatening to not repay loans, Trump made lenders give him a better deal. But what if a world player has a finger on the nuclear button?

6. A business always has bankruptcy as an option. A real-estate developer can threaten to go bankrupt, as Trump did with his casinos. That tactic helped Trump (at the expense of others) but will be destructive if used to not pay government bills. He’s already threatened to renegotiate America’s debt and print more money to pay it.

People keep doing what made them successful. Trump promises to handle the presidency like a business deal. But profitably buying real estate and licensing his name doesn’t indicate he’ll lead the free world well.

Thanks for letting me deliver an unconventional convention speech. I’ve been a Democrat, a Republican, and eventually independent because I don’t believe either party has a monopoly on good ideas or strong leadership.

Too many Republicans blame immigrants for our problems and block action on climate change & gun violence. Too many Democrats blame the private sector for problems and block action to reform education and reduce the deficit. Sometimes I disagree with Hillary, but we must put those disagreements aside, unite to defeat a dangerous demagogue.

We’ve heard talk about needing a leader who understands business. I agree, but we need a President who’s a problem-solver (not a bomb-thrower) and can bring members of Congress together, to get big things done. Hillary can.

I was elected mayor 2 months after 9/11, as a Republican. I saw Hillary work with Republicans in Washington to ensure New York got help to recover & rebuild. While she was senator, we didn’t always agree, but she always listened. That’s the approach we need.

I’ve encouraged businessmen to run for office, because many share my pragmatic approach to building consensus. We don’t pretend we’re smart enough to make every big decision by ourselves. Most of us know we’re just as good as our word. But not Trump. Throughout his career, he’s left behind a record of bankruptcies, thousands of lawsuits, angry shareholders & contractors who feel cheated, and customers feeling ripped off. He says he wants to run the nation like he’s run his business. God help us.

I’m a New Yorker. We New Yorkers know a con when we see one! Trump says he’ll punish manufacturers that move to Mexico or China, but the clothes he sells are made overseas in low-wage factories. He says he wants to put Americans back to work, but he games the U.S. visa system so he can hire foreign temp workers at low wages. He says he wants to deport 11 million undocumented people but seems to have no problem hiring them.

The richest thing about Trump is his hypocrisy. He wants you to believe we can solve our biggest problems by deporting Mexicans and shutting out Muslims. He wants you to believe erecting trade barriers will bring back good jobs. He’s wrong. We can solve our biggest problems just if we unite and embrace freedom. We can create good jobs just if we invest smarter in infrastructure and support small businesses. Trump doesn’t understand that.

A businessman President sounds appealing, but Trump’s business plan’s a disaster: it would hurt small businesses, damage our economy, threaten retirement savings, create more debt &  unemployment, erode our world influence, and make our communities unsafe. He’s risky & reckless.

Hillary isn’t flawless; no candidate is. But she’s the right choice, the responsible choice. She understands this isn’t reality TV; this is reality. She understands the President’s job involves finding solutions (not pointing fingers) and offering hope (not stoking fear).

America’s the greatest country. When people vote with their feet, they come here. Join me in love of country and together elect a sane, competent person with international experience, a unifier mature enough to reach out for advice, build consensus, and recognize we all have something to contribute.

Trump wants to divide us from the rest of the world and from each other and fear each other. Over 80 years ago, President Franklin Roosevelt said the perfect rebuke to Trump: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!” We’re not afraid. Instead of a wall, we’ll build an economy where everyone who wants a good job can get one; we’ll build a citizenship path for millions of immigrants already contributing to our economy. Instead of banning a religion; we’ll work with all Americans & allies to fight terrorism.

There’s much to do. Many people haven’t had a pay raise since the crash. There’s too much inequality, too little social mobility, too much paralysis in Washington, too many threats worldwide. But don’t believe anyone who says “I alone can fix it.” Those were Trump’s words. True Americans don’t say “I alone can fix it.” We say, “We’ll fix it together!” Our Founders wrote a Constitution so no single person has all the power. We must all to lend our energy & talents to make our nation better.

Millions of hardworking immigrants contribute to our economy. Kicking them out would be self-defeating and inhumane to kick them out. Grow our economy and keep families together.

At his convention, Trump spoke for 70 minutes but offered zero solutions.

I love talking about mine. In my first 100 days, we’ll work with both parties to invest in new, good-paying jobs in manufacturing, clean energy, technology, small business, and infrastructure.

We’ll prepare the young for those jobs. We’ll make college tuition-free for the middle class, debt-free for all, and liberate millions of people who already have student debt. It’s wrong that Trump can ignore his debts while students can’t refinance theirs. And a 4-year degree shouldn’t be the only path: we’ll help more people learn a skill or trade.

We’ll give small businesses a boost: make it easier to get credit. Too many dreams die in banks’ parking lots. If you can dream it, you should be able to build it.

We’ll help you balance family & work. If fighting for affordable child care and paid family leave is playing the woman card, deal me in!

Besides making those investments, we’ll pay for them: Wall Street, corporations, and the super-rich will start paying their fair share of taxes. We don’t resent success; but when more than 90% of the gains have gone to the top 1%, that’s where the money is. If companies take tax breaks then ship jobs overseas, we’ll make them pay us back; we’ll put that money to work where it belongs, creating jobs here at home.

I can do it. I’ve worked across the aisle to pass laws & treaties and launch programs that help millions of people.

Some people think “Trump’s a businessman, so he must know about the economy.” But look closer. In Atlantic City, contractors & small businesses lost everything because Trump refused to pay his bills. He could pay but wouldn’t pay. He stiffed them. You know the sales pitch he’s making to be President: put your faith in him and you’ll win big? That’s the same pitch he made to those small businesses, then walked away and left working people holding the bag.

He talks a big game about putting America first; but what part of “America first” leads him to make Trump’s neckties in China, suits in Mexico, furniture in Turkey, picture frames in India? He says he wants to make America great again; he could start by making things in America again.

As for national security, I’m proud we stopped Iran’s nuclear program without firing a single shot, and we stand by NATO allies against Russia threats. Trump says, “I know more about ISIS than the generals do.” No, Donald, you don’t.

Does he have the temperament to be commander in chief? He can’t even handle the rough & tumble of a presidential campaign. He loses his cool at a reporter’s tough question, challenges in a debate, or sees a protester at a rally. Imagine him in the Oval Office facing a real crisis. During the Cuban Missile Crisis, President Kennedy worried a war might start not by leaders with self-control but by little men moved by fear & pride.

America’s strength doesn’t come from lashing out. It relies on smarts, judgment, cool resolve, and precisely applied power.

We can’t have a President who’s in the gun lobby’s pocket. I don’t want you shot by someone who shouldn’t have a gun. We’ll work tirelessly with responsible gun owners to keep guns out of the hands of criminals & terrorists. We must heal our country’s divides, not just on guns but on race, immigration, and more. That starts with listening to each other, trying to walk in each other’s shoes.

Many people mistakenly laughed off Trump’s comments, excusing him as an entertainer just putting on a show. They thought he couldn’t mean the horrible things he says, like when he calls women “pigs,” says an American judge can’t be fair because of his Mexican heritage, mocks & mimics a reporter with a disability, and insults war prisoners like John McCain (a hero who deserves our respect).

Here’s what Trump doesn’t get: America’s great because America’s good! Stop the bigotry & bombast.

We count on the President to decide questions of war & peace, life & death. Trump can’t do the job. His ideas are dangerously incoherent. They’re not real ideas, just a series of bizarre rants, personal feuds, and lies. He’s temperamentally unfit to hold an office that requires knowledge, stability, and immense responsibility. He should never have the nuclear codes, since he could lead us into a war just because somebody got under his thin skin.

He’s said nuclear weapons should be in the hands of more countries, including Saudi Arabia. He threatened to abandon our NATO allies, who work with us to root out terrorists. He believes we can treat the U.S. economy like one of his casinos and default on our debts to the rest of the world; that would cause a catastrophe. He said he’d murder & torture relatives of suspected terrorists; that would be a war crime.

He says he doesn’t have to listen to our generals, ambassadors, and other high officials, because he has “a very good brain.” He also said, “I know more about ISIS than the generals do.” I don’t believe him.

He says climate change is a hoax invented by the Chinese. He has the gall to say that prisoners of war like John McCain aren’t heroes. He praises dictators like Vladimir Putin. He picks fights with our friends: Britain’s prime minister, London’s mayor, Germany’s chancellor, Mexico’s president, and the Pope. He says he has foreign policy experience because he ran the Miss Universe pageant in Russia.

Even if I weren’t in this race, I’d do everything I could to make sure he never becomes President, because he’ll take our country down a dangerous path.

Unlike him, I’ve experienced statecraft’s tough calls & hard work.

I believe in strong alliances, clarity dealing with rivals, and solid commitment to the values that made America great. We’re not a country that cowers behind walls; we lead. If America stops leading, we’ll leave a vacuum that causes chaos or makes other countries fill the void, so they’re the ones making decisions about your lives, jobs, and safety. That won’t benefit us.

Our next President must do 6 things to keep America leading & safe and grow our economy:

1. Be strong at home. Invest in our infrastructure, education, and innovation. Reduce income inequality, so citizens won’t struggle to provide basics for families. Break down bigotry & discrimination.

Trump’s economic plans would add over 30 trillion dollars to our national debt over the next 20 years. He has no ideas on education or innovation. He has many ideas about whom to blame but no solutions. He’d make us weaker.

2. Stick with our allies. Their armed forces fight terrorists together. Diplomats work side by side; they give our military some staging areas and share intelligence.

Moscow & Beijing envy our worldwide alliances. They hope we’ll elect a President jeopardizing that strength. If Donald gets his way, the Kremlin will celebrate. Don’t let that happen.

It’s no small thing when he calls Mexican immigrants “rapists” & “murderers”. We’re lucky to have 2 friendly neighbors on our land borders. Why’d he want to make one of them an enemy?

It’s no small thing when he suggests we withdraw our military support for Japan. He said this about a war between Japan & North Korea: “If they do, they do. Good luck, enjoy yourself, folks.” Does he realize he’s talking about nuclear war?

Sure, our friends must contribute their fair share. I said so, long before he came onto the scene, and several increased their defense spending.

3. Embrace all tools of American power, especially diplomacy & development, to solve problems before they threaten us at home. Diplomacy takes patience, persistence, and an eye on the long game.

The stakes in global statecraft are much higher & more complex than in the world of luxury hotels. We know the tools Donald Trump brings to the table: bragging & mocking, composing nasty tweets. Instead of solving global crises, he’d create new ones. He doesn’t know how to handle multiple countries with competing interests and reach a solution everyone can back.

4. Be firm but wise with our rivals. I’ve gone toe-to-toe with Russia, China, and many other countries. I know how to stand our ground when we must, find common ground when we can. I worked with Russia to reduce nuclear stockpiles and with China to increase pressure on North Korea. Our diplomats negotiated the climate-change agreement, which Trump wants to rip up. Remember whom we’re dealing with: not all allies, but countries sharing some common interests with us amid many disagreements.

He doesn’t see the complexity. He wants to start a trade war with China. Many Americans have concerns about our trade agreements, and so do I; but a trade war is different. Combine that with his comments about defaulting on our debt, and it’s easy to see how his presidency could create a global economic crisis.

He has bizarre fascination with dictators & strongmen. He praised China for the Tiananmen Square massacre, said it showed strength. He said, “You’ve got to give Kim Jong Un credit” for taking over North Korea, which Kim did by murdering everyone he saw as a threat (even his uncle). He said he’d give Vladimir Putin an “A” for leadership.

Maybe psychiatrists can explain his affection for tyrants. How could anyone be so wrong about who America’s real friends are?

5. Have a plan to confront terrorists. Over the past year, I’ve laid out my plans to defeat ISIS. What’s Trump’s? He won’t say. He keeps it secret. The secret is: he has no idea what he’d do to stop ISIS. Look at the few things he’s said about that. He said, “Maybe Syria should be a free zone for ISIS.” So let a terrorist group control a major Middle East country? Then he said we should send tens of thousands of American ground troops to the Middle East to fight ISIS. He refused to rule out using nuclear weapons against ISIS; that would mean mass civilian casualties. He doesn’t have a clue what he’s talking about, so we can’t be certain which of those things he’ll do, but he could do all of them: let ISIS run wild, launch a nuclear attack, and start a ground war.

Through all his loose talk, one theme runs constantly: demonize Muslims. His proposal to ban 1.5 billion Muslims from entering our country violates the religious freedom our country was founded on, is a huge propaganda victory for ISIS, and alienates the countries who could help us fight ISIS. Defeating global terrorist networks takes a realistic plan, experience, and leadership. Trump lacks all 3.

Our troops deserve a President who sends them to battle just when needed and with a clear, well-thought-out strategy. We can’t put our troops’ lives in his hands.

6. Stay true to our values. Trump talks against our deepest values.

He says he’ll order our military to murder the families of suspected terrorists. During the raid to kill bin Laden, our SEALs took time to move the women & children living in the compound to safety; that’s what honor looks like.

He mocks the disabled, calls women pigs, proposes banning an entire religion from our country, and plays coy with white supremacists. What moral example do we set for the world & our kids if our President’s a bigot?

Mr. Trump, every time you insult American Muslims or Mexican immigrants, remember that many Muslims & immigrants serve & fight in our armed forces. Trump could learn something from them.

Final point: the temperament it takes to be Commander-in-Chief. Every President faces hard choices daily, with imperfect info & conflicting imperatives. When a revolution threatens to topple a government, or an adversary reaches out for the first time in years, what to do? The right call takes a cool head, respect for facts, willingness to hear other people’s views, humility, admitting you don’t know everything — because if you’re convinced you’re always right, you’ll never ask yourself the hard questions.

Imagine Trump making life-or-death decisions for the U.S. and deciding whether to send your relatives into battle. Imagine if he had at his disposal, when angry, not just his Twitter account but America’s entire arsenal. Do we want him making those calls — someone thin-skinned and quick to anger, who lashes out at the smallest criticism? Do we want his finger near the button? Making him Commander-in-Chief would undo what Republicans & Democrats did over many decades to make America strong. It would set back our standing in the world and fuel an ugly narrative about who we are. That’s not the America I love.

c-span.org/video/?410484-1/hillary-clinton-lays-national-security-priorities

Allergists were in favor of scratching it.

Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.

Dermatologists had skin in the game but advised against rash moves.

Neurologists thought Trump had a lot of nerve.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Obstetricians felt everyone was laboring under a misconception.

Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!”

Pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!”

Psychiatrists thought the idea was madness.

Radiologists could see right through it but waited to see what would develop.

Surgeons washed their hands of the whole thing.

Internists claimed it would be a bitter pill to swallow.

Plastic surgeons said the proposal would “put a new face on the matter.”

Veterinarians admitted it could be a pet project.

Podiatrists thought it was a step forward.

Urologists were pissed off at the idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the idea a gas but said to sleep on it.

Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

Dentists just brushed it off.

Nutritionists said to discuss it over dinner.

In the end, the Proctologists won out,

leaving the decision up to the assholes in Washington.

The left side of his brain has nothing right,

while the right side has nothing left.

The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make everybody in the crowd go wild with joy?”

Trump says, “I don’t believe it. Show me.”

So the Pope slaps him.

Warning: contains nuts.

What does Trump prove? You don’t have to be poor to be white trash.

How is Trump like a diaper? Self-absorbed and full of shit.

What’s the difference between Trump and a flying pig? The letter “f.”

How does Trump change a lightbulb?

He holds the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Why were Trump’s first and last wives foreign?

Because some jobs Americans won’t do.

Why does Trump want to ban pre-shredded cheese?

He wants to make America grate again.

Why is the Pentagon changing the nuclear code to over 140 characters?

So Trump can’t tweet it.

How do Mexicans feel about Trump’s wall? They’ll get over it.

How does Trump plan to get rid of all the Mexicans? Juan by Juan.

Why does Trump take Xanax? For hispanic attacks.

Why doesn’t Mexico have a good athletic team?

Because anyone who can run or jump is already over the wall.

Why did Trump decide to build the wall?

Because China built a wall and doesn’t have any Mexicans.

Teddy Roosevelt said, “Speak softly and carry a big stick.”

Trump speaks loudly and carries a big shtick.

PMURT! Reverse TRUMP!

Disney made a movie about Trump: The Lyin’ King.

Physicists discovered why Trump became President: hot air rises.

George Washington: “I cannot tell a lie.” Trump: “I cannot lie and tell.”

Some people are alcoholics.

Trump is an assoholic: he has an insatiable desire to be an asshole.

Trump’s brain is amazing. He’s a walking dictionary —

but without the last 3 syllables: he’s a walking dic.

Trump is America’s schizophrenic dog: whenever he encounters someone new, he barks, then alternates between wagging his tail and growling.

For the 2020 election: “Vote to reelect your President!”

Translation: “Up your ass!”

At Thanksgiving, when demand for turkeys is up, Trump is popular, because he’s a great turkey, since he likes to wing it and grab thighs, though his “wish bone” is in the wrong place.

2020 election

1 Republican U.S. administrator Quit (or lost)

Donald Trump          President                Nov.   7, 2020

2 Democrat U.S. administrators

Julián Castro            Secretary of HUD   Jan.    1, 2020

Joe Biden                 Vice President         winner

2 Republican governors

Mark Sanford           South Carolina        Nov. 12, 2019

Bill Weld                  Massachusetts         Mar. 18, 2020

4 Democrat governors

John Hickenlooper    Colorado                Aug. 15, 2019

Jay Inslee                  Washington            Aug. 21, 2019

Steve Bullock           Montana                Dec.   2, 2019

Deval Patrick            Massachusetts         Feb. 12, 2020

8 Democrat U.S. senators

Mike Gravel             Alaska                    Aug.   6, 2019

Kirsten Gillibrand     New York               Aug. 28, 2019

Kamala Harris           California               Dec.   3, 2019

Cory Booker            New Jersey             Jan.  13, 2020

Michael Bennet         Colorado                Feb. 11, 2020

Amy Klobuchar        Minnesota               Mar.   2, 2020

Elizabeth Warren       Massachusetts         Mar.   5, 2020

Bernie Sanders         Vermont                 Apr.   8, 2020

1 Republican U.S. representative

Joe Walsh                 Illinois                    Feb.   7, 2020

7 Democrat U.S. representatives

Eric Swalwell            California               July   8, 2019

Seth Moulton           Massachusetts         Aug. 23, 2019

Tim Ryan                  Ohio                       Oct.   4, 2019

Beto O’Rourke         Texas                     Nov.   1, 2019

Joe Sestak                 Pennsylvania          Dec.   1, 2019

John Delaney           Maryland               Jan.  31, 2020

Tulsi Gabbard           Hawaii                    Mar. 19, 2020

4 Democrat mayors

Bill de Blasio            New York City        Sep. 20, 2019

Wayne Messam         Miramar, Florida     Nov. 20, 2019

Pete Buttigieg           S. Bend, Indiana      Mar.   1, 2020

Mike Bloomberg       New York City        Mar.   4, 2020

4 Democrat outsiders

Richard Ojeda           West Virginia          Jan.  25, 2019

Marianne Williamson California               Jan.  10, 2020

Andrew Yang           New York               Feb. 11, 2020

Tom Steyer               California               Feb. 29, 2020

Mark Sanford (governor of South Carolina) was also U.S. representative. Wants to balance the budget.

Joe Walsh (U.S. representative from Illinois) also ran a political radio show. Far-right. He’s not the “Joe Walsh” who sang in the Eagles band.

John Hickenlooper (governor of Colorado) was also Denver’s mayor. Centrist.

Tim Ryan (U.S. representative from Ohio) emphasized jobs, education, and health care.

Kirsten Gillibrand (U.S. senator from New York) emphasized women’s reproductive rights.

Jay Inslee (governor of Washington) was also U.S. representative. He emphasized stopping climate change.

Mike Gravel (U.S. senator from Alaska) didn’t become famous enough, so not invited to any Democrat debates.

Steve Bullock (governor of Montana) wasn’t invited to June 2019 Democrat debates but invited to July 2019.

Bill de Blasio (mayor of New York City) was New York’s current mayor. He’s White, married to a Black woman. He’s far left.

Wayne Messam (mayor of Miramar, Florida) didn’t become famous enough, so not invited to any Democrat debates. Black.

Joe Sestak (U.S. representative from Pennsylvania) didn’t become famous enough, so not invited to any Democrat debates.

Seth Moulton (U.S. representative from Massachusetts) didn’t become famous enough, so not invited to any Democrat debates.

Richard Ojeda (state senator in West Virginia) was the first candidate to quit. He quit before the first Democrat debate, so not invited to any of the debates.

Eric Swalwell (U.S. representative from California) emphasized stopping gun violence. He was in the first Democrat debate but quit before the second Democrat debate.

John Delaney (U.S. representative from Maryland) was the first candidate to announce & actively campaign: he announced on July 28, 2017, and in August began campaigning in the first 2 states, Iowa & New Hampshire. Centrist. He gave many speeches in many towns but wasn’t interesting enough.

Julián Castro (Secretary of HUD) was Obama’s Secretary of Housing & Urban Development and also mayor of San Antonio, Texas. His grandma came from Mexico when she was 6 years old, so he can claim he’s Mexican-American, Latino. During the debates, he didn’t have much to say, so he eventually got ignored. His twin brother (Joaquin) is a Congressman.

Kamala Harris (U.S. senator from California) was also California’s attorney general. “Kamala” is pronounced similar to “comma la.” Her dad immigrated from Jamaica, her mom from Tamil India, so she looks Black and qualifies as being a minority. She bragged she was tough on crime and would be tough on Trump, but her toughness wasn’t admired in the Democrat debates. After the debates, the winner (Joe Biden) chose her to be his running mate (Vice President).

Beto O’Rourke (U.S. representative from Texas) was born in El Paso, Texas. He was born Robert Francis O’Rourke in an Irish-American family, but his parents nicknamed him “Beto,” which is short for the Spanish name “Roberto,” to distinguish him from his grandfather Robert. He can speak Spanish fluently. He graduated from Columbia University. He’s handsome, friendly, and reasonable. Many people considered voting for him; but in the debates he made errors, so his popularity declined.

Marianne Williamson (spiritual guru in California) was also an entrepreneur: she wrote 13 books. 4 of them became #1 New York Times best sellers in the “advice & how-to” category. Anti-war, she emphasized peace and that everybody worldwide should love each other. She’s Jewish but also became a church pastor with 50,000 people watching her on TV. She was Oprah Winfrey’s “spiritual advisor.” She ran an organization that donated food to AIDS patients. She believed vaccines and other medicines can be useful but should be supplemented by prayers. She got lots of attention but was considered just a fun “kook.” She got few votes. After she quit, she endorsed Bernie Sanders.

Cory Booker (U.S. senator from New Jersey) was also mayor of Newark, which he improved a lot. To learn about living in a low-income dangerous Newark housing project, he moved into one himself and pressed for improvements, finally becoming mayor.

He’s Black. After Wayne Messam, Kamala Harris, and Julián Castro quit, he was the main “minority” candidate left in the race.

He’s smart: he got a B.A. & M.A. from Stanford University, then won a Rhodes Scholarship to Oxford University, then got a J.D. (law doctorate) from Yale University. He has a wonderful smile, so he’s the candidate I’d most like to have lunch with. His personality was great, but his message wasn’t unique enough. When asked questions, he tended to repeat himself too much without remembering what details to add.

Donald Trump (U.S. president) was the incumbent and also a rich Manhattan real-estate developer and host of The Apprentice TV show. Impulsive. For details, read my “2016 elections” section.

Bill Weld (governor of Massachusetts) was governor long ago (1991-1997). Centrist. Nice guy. But since he opposed Trump (the Republican President), the Republican Party called him disloyal and refused to let anyone debate against Trump. In early voting, he got just 10% of the Republican votes, so he quit.

Joe Biden (U.S. vice-president) was also U.S. senator from Delaware. The third-oldest candidate. He didn’t thrill anybody, but people voted for him anyway, because he seemed “safe,” since he’d been senator for many years then Obama’s vice-president, without screwing up much, and he didn’t make any radical proposals. Democrats felt he might appeal to independents and steal some of those voters away from Trump.

He had many flaws: no creative ideas; a history of plagiarism (when younger, he got in trouble for copying, twice); a history of agreeing too much with Republicans; a speaking style that was outmoded & repetitive (he began too many talks by saying “Ladies and Gentlemen”); hugged women too much (they felt it was awkward). He seemed on the verge of dementia, since he was old and had minor memory problems: for example, he accidentally said “Super Thursday” (instead of “Super Tuesday”) and said “Luhan province” (instead of “Wuhan city”).

His full name is Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr.

During the Democrat debates, he tried to stay above the fray: he avoided criticizing the other candidates. He got few votes in early primaries (Iowa & New Hampshire), because he wasn’t dramatic enough. But he did well in South Carolina (because its Blacks liked his Obama connection, despite his anti-busing vote long ago). Thereafter he won most primaries, until all the other Democrat candidates quit.

Deval Patrick (governor of Massachusetts) waited until November 14, 2019 to enter. Black. Since he’s from Massachusetts, which is next to New Hampshire, he thought New Hampshire voters would appreciate him, since he did a generally good job of governing Massachusetts (except for a few small scandals); but New Hampshire voters ignored him, because he wasn’t rich enough to have campaign funds.

Mike Bloomberg (mayor of New York City) waited until Nov. 8, 2019 to enter. The second-oldest candidate. He was born in Boston and got an MBA from Harvard but calls himself a New Yorker. He was New York’s mayor before Bill de Blasio and ran that city well (improving health and dramatically reducing crime), though Blacks dislike him because his police department too aggressively confronted young Blacks on streets of dangerous neighborhoods. Like Bernie Sanders, he’s Jewish with a New York accent.

Like Trump, he’s a New York billionaire, but honest. He’s a multibillionaire because he started a company selling computer services to stockbrokers. He became far richer than the other billionaires running (Trump & Steyer). His net worth became 55 billion dollars, making him the 9^th richest person in the whole world before becoming a generous philanthropist.

To prove honesty, he refused all donations to his campaign, so he spent about a billion dollars of his own money to advertise his candidacy. But that eliminated him from most Democrat debates (which were restricted to candidates who got the most donations), and his competitors accused him of trying to “buy” the election. When Democrats changed the debate rules so he could finally participate, the other candidates all attacked him viciously; he replied just meekly, looking too scared to be President. Also working against him: he skipped the first 4 primaries (so he seemed to not care about those people), and he had a history of being Republican (because many of New York’s previous Democrat mayors were ineffectual or corrupt).

Despite his heavy advertising, he got few votes, though many people considered him the best executive administrator.

Amy Klobuchar (U.S. senator from Minnesota) emphasized compromise between urban & rural desires. When her campaign began, she emphasized she’s from the Midwest, appreciates Midwest values & needs, and would be the best person to combat Trump’s popularity there. She accused other candidates of caring too much about the needs of the coasts and not enough about the needs of the middle. That pitch helped her in the Iowa primary but not in other states, so she eventually changed her pitch to: “I know how to work with both Republicans & Democrats to get things done.” She bragged that in the senate she sponsored over 100 bills that got passed. Later she emphasized that people should show more “empathy” with other viewpoints.

She’s smart: she got a B.A. from Yale and a law doctorate (J.D.) from the University of Chicago. Both degrees were magna cum laude.

The New York Times praised her, called her the best centrist. Many other newspapers praised her also. But she never got quite enough votes to win.

Michael Bennet (U.S. senator from Colorado) was also Denver’s school superintendent. He has a B.A. from Wesleyan University (where his dad was president and I taught) plus a law doctorate (J.D.) from Yale, where he was editor-in-chief of the Yale Law Journal. He was also an assistant to John Hickenlooper, so it’s awkward he ran against Hickenlooper to become President. His dad & granddad also had high positions in the U.S. government. When he was a kid in second grade, he was held back because he had dyslexia, but he overcame that disability.

While campaigning for President, he wrote detailed proposals about how U.S. policies should change, and he visited many towns in New Hampshire to meet voters.

More than any other candidate, he said government should make sure every kid gets good preschool education. He said funding preschool will improve more lives than funding college, though both would be nice.

I was tempted to vote for him, but he still had one limitation: he’s a poor speaker. He tries to sound smoothing & calming, a candidate that’s “safe” and not radical, but he doesn’t appear energetic enough. He talks too slowly and has a speech impediment that makes him sound almost mumbling. He also doesn’t know when to shut up: when a reporter asks him a question on TV, he tends to drone on, until the frustrated reporter cuts him off.

He got few votes. I empathize for him but reluctantly voted for a different candidate instead.

Tulsi Gabbard (U.S. representative from Hawaii) was also a major in National Guard, which sent her to Iraq as a medical specialist & Kuwait as a military policewoman. Though she was in the military, she’s against most military action: she wants peace, opposes spending money on foreign wars, and  wants money spent on domestic matters instead.

The second-youngest candidate. She’s Hindu. She was born in American Samoa, and her father’s ancestors were Samoan, so she’s slightly dark and is classified as a minority. During her high-school years, she spent 2 years in the Philippines.

She campaigns in a white suit and talks tough (like Kamala Harris), so Saturday Night Live made fun of her by emphasizing how she seemed to talk darkly & and ominously, like an evil spirit.

Pete Buttigieg (mayor of South Bend, Indiana) was born in South Bend, and his mom was born in California, but his dad was born in Malta, so Pete is a citizen of both the U.S. and Malta. His full name is Peter Paul Montgomery Buttigieg. He said to pronounce his last name “Buddha judge,” but when people found that explanation offensive he said to say “BOOT edge-edge.”

He’s the youngest candidate. He’s smart: when he was in high school, he was the valedictorian and won an award for writing a good essay about Bernie Sanders; that essay got him into Harvard, where he graduated magna cum laude and got a Rhodes Scholarship to Oxford University (like Cory Booker). After that, instead of going for a master’s or doctorate, he went to work as a business analyst & consultant.

He dresses more neatly & formally than the other male candidates and speaks more sophisticatedly, politely, and concisely (knowing when to shorten his answer and shut up), so the elderly say he acts like a perfect son; they want to vote for him, even though he’s gay and married to a man. He also joined the navy, which sent him to the war zone in Afghanistan.

Many people predicted he’d become President, even though his only executive experience was as mayor of Indiana’s fourth-biggest city (population just slightly above 100,000). Blacks dislike him because he fired South Bend’s Black police chief, who then sued Pete for discrimination.

Pete was popular in the first 2 voting states (Iowa and New Hampshire), but then the other Democrat candidates began attacking him (for being wishy-washy, not having a firm platform), so he fared less well in later states (such as South Carolina, which has many Blacks) and promptly quit. The winner (Joe Biden) said Pete resembled Biden’s wonderful dead son, Beau Biden, so Biden let Pete be in Biden’s cabinet (as Secretary of Transportation, to improve the country’s infrastructure).

Tom Steyer (hedge-fund manager in California) waited until July 9, 2019 to enter. Not invited to first 3 Democrat debates. He’s a billionaire and spent lots of money campaigning but got few votes.

He went to prestigious prep schools (the Buckley School and Philips Exeter Academy), graduated from Yale summa cum laude, got an MBA from Stanford, became a billionaire by starting a hedge fund that invested successfully in high-risk companies (coal, privately owned prisons, and more), then quit and became a philanthropist doing the opposite (funding attacks on coal, gas, and other environmental dangers). To stop government stagnation, he wants term limits, preventing anybody from staying in in Congress (House or Senate) for more than 12 years.

Andrew Yang (entrepreneur in New York) was born in Schenectady, New York. His parents, immigrants from Taiwan, met in grad school at U.C. Berkeley and had great intellectual careers. Like them, he’s smart: he graduated from a top prep school (Philips Exeter Academy) then got an A.B. from Brown University and a law doctorate (J.D.) from Columbia University. He became a lawyer, then helped run a test-prep company, then started a company that hires college graduates to do nice things.

He said he wants government to give every adult $1000 monthly, which he called a “Freedom Dividend” and “Universal Basic Income (UBI).” That simple procedure requires no questions about the adult’s income or wealth. He said it would energize the economy by making people spend more. During the Covid-19 pandemic, Trump & Biden partly copied his idea.

He said people should fear that computers will steal their jobs, and companies using computers should pay a value-added tax.

His supporters were called the “Yang Gang.” After quitting, he became a consultant for CNN.

Elizabeth Warren (U.S. senator from Massachusetts) was also professor at Harvard Law School.

She urged a tax on wealthy assets: a 2% tax on wealth above 50 million dollars, 3% on wealth above a billion dollars. That’s a wealth tax, not an income tax. If you’re so rich, the tax would be on everything you own at the moment, not just this year’s income, and you’d have to pay the tax repeatedly, every year, until you become poorer. Computing the tax would be difficult: how much are your houses, lands, vehicles, furniture, clothes, decorations, equipment, and investments are worth today, even though they were acquired years ago? But she says that since the tax is just 2% or 3% per year, it wouldn’t wreck anybody, and the money could be used to fund free schooling & health. Instead of saying “2% or 3% per year,” she made it sound more modest by saying “just 2 cents.”

She bragged she had 70 proposals, with all details written. Whenever asked a question about what she’d do, she said “I have a plan for that.” But many people felt her plans weren’t realistic and her estimates of taxes collected from billionaires were too optimistically high; for example, a billionaire could hide his wealth by storing it in a “trust” instead of in his own name. So she reduced her promises and said “Medicare for All” would be delayed for 3 years. That made her sound unreliable.

She claimed she was Native American and so a minority. To prove it, she took a DNA test. Unfortunately for her, the test said she’s just a tiny bit Native American. Trump laughed at her and called her “Pocahontas.”

Far-leftists loved her, since she was a female far-leftist who was a Harvard professor who’d written detailed plans about how to make the far-left become reality. But she didn’t get enough votes, not even in her own Massachusetts and nearby New Hampshire, partly because in debates she acted shrill instead of friendly to other candidates, though cynics say complaints about a woman being “shrill” discriminates against women. Far-leftists eventually asked her to drop out and back the other far-leftist, Bernie Sanders. She finally quit but kept mum about whether she preferred Bernie Sanders over Joe Biden, since she’d had disagreements with both.

Bernie Sanders (U.S. senator from Vermont) was also U.S. representative  from Vermont, so he’s been in both houses of Congress. Also was mayor of Burlington, Vermont. He’s the oldest and most leftist. He calls himself a “democratic socialist” and wants the U.S. to be more like Denmark. He’s popular among the young and Latinos, because he says the government should give more benefits to students (free tuition) and the underemployed, by raising taxes on billionaires, whom he hates. He almost won the 2016 & 2020 primaries. He praised leftists (such as Cuba’s Fidel Castro) celebrated honeymooned in Russia but realizes those autocratic governments are flawed: he believes in democracy. For details, read my “2016 elections” section.

Joe Biden, Amy Klobuchar, Pete Buttigieg, Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders

the core plus Beto O’Rourke, Kamala Harris, Julián Castro, Cory Booker, Andrew Yang

YouTube.com/watch?v=y8EQFhj8ca4

the core plus Tom Steyer & Andrew Yang

the core plus Mike Bloomberg

Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders

Biden’s Presidency

The Senate was tied: 50 Democrats versus 50 Republicans. If a vote resulted in a tie, the tie could be broken by the Vice President (Kamala Harris, who’s a Democrat), so Biden thought he could get many laws passed. But one of the Democrats, Joe Manchin, came from a Republican state (West Virginia), often voted like a Republican, and prevented Biden from passing many laws.

Vladimir Putin (Russia’s president) made Russia attack Ukraine (destroy Ukraine’s buildings and kill its people). The United States and Europe wanted to attack Russia back but were afraid to create World War 3.

Donald Trump made Republicans claim the 2020 election was fraudulent, Biden wasn’t really the president, and courts shouldn’t have approved Biden.

For many years, Afghanistan’s government was attacked by Taliban rebels. The U.S. tried to help the Afghan government repel those rebels, but the Afghan government was unhelpful and corrupt, so President Trump announced the U.S. would withdraw from Afghanistan. Biden performed the withdrawal, which went worse than expected, so people blamed Biden for inadequate planning.

The Covid-19 virus pandemic, which started during President Trump’s reign, lasted longer than expected. People argued about how Biden should have reacted differently.

People wished he’d give more speeches instead of staying quiet.

People wished that, when he spoke, he’d speak more forcefully & dramatically.

When Biden was a child, he stuttered. Now he doesn’t stutter, but he sometimes omits a consonant or syllable and accidentally says a wrong detail, such as a place’s name.

Crooked Hillary…

the Left’s vicious attacks and smears…

the Radical Left’s fundraising machine…

a serious threat to our President’s agenda and legacy…

Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, and their Liberal cronies…

far-left agenda of Nancy Pelosi and the rest of their Socialist Squad…

higher taxes, more cumbersome regulation, and other radical changes…

It’s Liberal Mega Donors versus YOU.

Protect our Nation from the Radical Left.

I’m not threatened by the Left-Win MOB.

Stop Chuck Schumer and his liberal war chest.

Radical liberals pass more anti-democracy bills.

Let’s show Nancy Pelosi the people want her GONE!

Stand with Mitch in the face of the left’s baseless lies.

Biden was selling off a few minutes of his time for $25,000.

Show the Left they can’t buy their way into the White House.

We could find ourselves with Radical Democrats calling the shots.

We’re closer than ever to beating Nancy Pelosi’s political machine.

Radical Democrats are POURING MILLIONS of dollars into races.

They want a full-blown BIG GOVERNMENT SOCIALIST takeover.

We’re up against billionaires like George Soros and Mike Bloomberg.

They’re going to use their MEGA-HOLLYWOOD DONORS to do it.

Chuck Schumer and my liberal opponent count on coastal billionaires.

They’re raking in hundreds of millions of dollars to defeat our President.

Patriot…

grassroots conservatives around the country…

Strong Conservatives are standing up to Pelosi.

Conservatives work tirelessly to put our country and its people first.

FINAL ALERT…

Important Update for you…

Here’s the bad news.

You were marked as a Top Supporter.

You’ve been documented as INACTIVE.

President Trump and his top allies have been trying to warn you.

Friend…

Stand with Trump.

We need all hands on deck.

Thank you for staying in the fight.

Stand up for your fellow Americans.

Thank you for your continued support.

Don’t let President Trump down again.

We can’t win in November without YOU.

We’re counting on YOU to help stop them.

I’m counting on you, Fellow Conservative.

Let your voice be heard and stand with millions of people.

President Trump and I need to know if we can count on you.

Thank you for supporting the President and his Republican allies.

it’s critical we know who we can count on, heading into November.

I’m taking this list to President Trump tomorrow, Fellow Conservative.

Stand with President Trump and show we CAN take back the House in 2020.

Can we count on you to step up today?

Will you join us in our fight to catch up?

Can my father and I count on you, Fellow Conservative?

Do you have the courage to go toe-to-toe with the Radical Left’s fundraising?

CHIP IN $500.

Take a Stand Now.

Failure is not an option.

Help keep the Senate RED.

Protect the Senate Majority.

Determine America’s future.

Protect our GOP Majority this fall.

Help President Trump’s Senate allies.

Protect our Republican-controlled Senate.

Without your support, we could lose it all.

50 strong Conservative patriots are still needed.

We need your help to defend conservative values.

Please don’t let the President and his allies down.

Defeat the left AGAIN and keep the Senate RED.

Please don’t ignore President Trump and his allies.

Help us fight back against the Democrats’ war chest.

Everything President Trump has accomplished is on the line.

Help stop Democrats from taking the White House and Senate!

I won’t sugarcoat it, Fellow Conservative. We’re in real danger.

Our Conservative allies are being overwhelmed by Liberal cash.

Defend President Trump so he can continue his work for people.

This year’s elections are going to influence generations to come.

Fight for President Trump, House Conservatives, and our country.

Donald Trump Jr. reached out to you because he needed your help.

With huge support from Patriots like YOU, we can send a message.

President Trump and my Republican colleagues are counting on us.

Failing to act will clear the way for far-left Democrats to seize control.

Ensure that our Conservative leaders will continue to make America great!

Have the courage to go toe-to-toe with the Radical Left’s fundraising machine.

Will you help defend President Trump’s Senate Majority?

Last chance to sign Melania’s card for Mother’s Day…

LET’S SET A RECORD.

We need your IMMEDIATE support.

The American people need help NOW.

Make an EMERGENCY CONTRIBUTION.

You’ve let President Trump’s Senate allies down.

We’ll triple-match any amount you’re willing to give.

Every second you hesitate puts Biden closer to victory.

Chip in right NOW to fight back against a BLUE WAVE!

Take advantage of our limited-time 400% matching offer.

We need your support before 5X matching ends at midnight.

We’re shocked you’re standing by and letting Republicans fall.

The House is in play. We need your help NOW more than EVER.

Please contribute $37 or more TODAY to fight for YOUR Nation.

Make a 5X-MATCHED donation now and stop a liberal takeover!

We’re giving all Pro-Trump Conservatives ONE LAST CHANCE.

Chip in now and your gift will be matched 500% until MIDNIGHT.

5x matching is only active for the next 150 Pro-Trump contributions.

You can’t ignore President Trump any longer — you need to act NOW.

This was a huge letdown, but we’re giving you ONE MORE CHANCE.

Please contribute $37 or more by 11:59 PM TONIGHT to show the Left.

Your action today is so critical to the future of our conservative movement.

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, PATRIOT???

Will you be one of the first 180 conservatives to take action?

Economic policy

If it moves, tax it.

If it keeps moving, regulate it.

If it stops moving, subsidize it.

If you ask 2 economists for their opinions, you’ll get 3 different answers.

A surgeon, an architect, and an economist were arguing about which profession was the most important and godly.

The surgeon said, “God’s a surgeon: the first thing He did was extract Eve from Adam’s rib.”

The architect said, “No, God’s an architect: He built the world in 7 days out of chaos.”

The economist smiled, “And who made the chaos?”

In ancient times, a farmer had 2 cows. His neighbor had 2 chickens. The farmer wanted a chicken, so he bartered with his neighbor: he’d swap one of his cows for the neighbor’s chicken. Then each farmer could produce his own milk and eggs and was happy — until the first farmer realized the cow-chicken swap ripped him off, since he spent more labor raising the cow than the neighbor spent raising the chicken. That’s why bartering is unfair and inadequate — and why currency was invented.

Countries around the world

Communist Russia: You have 2 cows. The government seizes both and produces milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It’s expensive & sour.

Modern Russia: You have 2 cows. You count them, realize you have 4, drink more vodka, count the cows again, realize you have eleventy-six, drink more vodka, and fall asleep. Upon waking, you realize eleventy isn’t a number. You count the cows again and have 2 cows. You drink more vodka and try to drown the loss of eleventy-four cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over your cows.

China: You have 2 cows. 300 people try milking them, so you claim full employment & bovine productivity but arrest the reporter who revealed the numbers.

Japan: You have 2 cows. You reengineer them so they’re a tenth as big and produce 20 times the milk. You teach them to travel on crowded trains, bow to each other, and do well at cow school. You sell cow cartoons, called Cowkimon, worldwide.

Israel: 2 Jewish cows open a milk factory and ice-cream store then sell the movie rights and send their calves to Harvard to become doctors.

Italy: You have 2 cows but don’t know where they are. While looking for them, you see a beautiful woman, so you break for lunch.

France: You have 2 cows but want 3, so you go on strike, eat lunch, and drink wine. Life is good.

Switzerland: You charge for storing 5000 cows that don’t belong to you.

Cuba: Your 2 cows swam away to Florida.

India: You have 2 cows. You worship both of them.

Quebec: You’re allowed 2 cows just if the French-speaking one is bigger than the English-speaking one.

Afghanistan’s Taliban: You get executed because your 2 cows are infidels and you’re accused of teaching those female bovines to read.

United Nations: France & Russia veto you from milking your 2 cows. The U.S. & Britain veto the cows from milking you. China abstains.

American political activists

Democrat: You have 2 cows but your neighbor has none, so you feel guilty and vote for politicians who tax your cows. To get money to pay the tax, you sell a cow. The government uses the tax to buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbra Streisand sings for you.

Republican: You have 2 cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

Libertarian: Go away! What I do with my cows is none of your business!

Constitutionalist: You can’t have cows. Our God-given Constitution doesn’t mention cows, so they don’t exist.

U.S. bureaucracy

U.S. farm policy: You have 2 cows. The government takes both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours it down the drain.

U.S. foreign policy: You have 2 cows. The government taxes you enough so you must sell both, to support a man (in a foreign country) who has just 1 cow, which was a gift from your government.

Food & Drug Administration (FDA): You have 2 cows. To test, you make the first cow drink 400 gallons of water a day. It dies, so you ban water. The other cow has cancer, but you ban cancer pills because making them requires water, so that cow dies.

Automated phone system: You have 2 cows? Press 1 if that’s correct, 2 otherwise.… Please hold while we connect you to an operator.…
(Moo-zak)… Please continue to hold. Your cows are important to us.

American security

Central Intelligence Agency (CIA): You have 2 cows but can’t tell anyone about them. Yesterday they weren’t at your farm. Today they’re not there, again. If you ever have 2 cows, they have no names. You have no name. I have no name. Nobody has any names. Got it?

Disclaimer: Warning! Your 2 cows can cause bodily injury if not treated properly. Keep out of reach of children. We can’t be held responsible for any bodily injury sustained by interacting with cows.

American financiers

Capitalist: You have 2 cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd.

American corporation: You have 2 cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself, and do an IPO on the second one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of 4, so one cow drops dead. You’re surprised but tell analysts you’ve downsized and cut expenses. Your stock goes up.

Enron: You have 2 cows. From your bank, you borrow 80% of the forward value of the 2 cows, then buy another cow, with 5% down and the rest financed by the seller (on a note callable if your market cap goes below $20 billion) at a rate 2 times prime. You sell the 3 cows to your publicly listed company using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at another bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated offer so you get 4 cows back, with a tax exemption for keeping 5 cows. The milk rights of 6 cows are transferred through a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company owned secretly by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to 7 cows’ milk back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more. The public buys your bull.

States

Florida: You have 2 cows: 1 black, 1 white. You hold an election to see which is best. Some preferring the white cow accidentally vote for the black; some vote for both; some don’t vote at all; some vote correctly but their votes are declared invalid. Outsiders come and decide which cow is your favorite.

California: You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed because it spent its life living a lie, so it gets a sex-change operation, taxpayer-paid. Now you have 2 cows: 1 makes milk, the other doesn’t. You try selling the transgender cow, but its lawyer sues you for discrimination. To pay damages, you sell the milk-generating cow. Now you have one transgender, rich, non-milk-producing cow, so you change your business to beef. Then PETA pickets your farm, Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway, the California legislature passes a law giving your farm to Mexico, and the LA Times quotes 5 anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats. You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations. The cows starve to death.

Hollywood: You have 2 cows. You give them udder implants and teach them to dodge bullets, climb walls, and shoot milk from udders on command.

Arkansas: You have 2 cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

Nevada: You have 2 cows. You charge lonely men from Arkansas to spend the night with them.

Race

Racist: You have a black cow and a white cow. You abuse and fear the black cow. Then it produces less milk and becomes more violent. You say that proves the black cow was bad all along.

Rapper: You grew up with 2 cows but hated your parents, so you moved away at 16 and got shot. Now you have no cows. You say that’s because you’re black.

Affirmative action: You have 2 cows. The first cow has more black spots, so it gets into college.

Religious feelings

Catholic: You feel guilty for having 2 cows. Your priest says “Having cows is no sin; but if you feel guilt, free them and say 10 Hail Mary’s.”

Jehovah’s Witness: You have 2 cows. You go door-to-door, telling neighbors.

Vegan: You have 2 cows but must not use them.

Famous characters

Bart Simpson: You have 2 cows. Don’t have another cow, man!

Homer Simpson: You have 2 cows. Mmm… cows!

Spock: Dammit, Jim, you have 2 cows! They live long and prosper. That’s logical.

Dave Barry: You have 2 cows. They tend to explode. I’m not making this up.

Oprah: You get 2 cows. You get 2 cows. You all get 2 cows!

George W. Bush: You have 2 cows. You own them. We’ll give those 2 cows back to you and invest another 2 of those cows in the stock market to pay your retirement, and we can sell 2 of those cows. My opponent will say that’s impossible, but he’s just trying to scare you to vote for old-government ways to do things. Under my plan, everyone gets cows back.

Rush Limbaugh: Did you see the news that tree huggers are after a fellow who owns 2 cows? They say the cows’ gaseous emissions cause global warming. Meanwhile, the femi-Nazis say udders insult women’s bodies. Well, I’ll just keep eating cheeseburgers and shooting cows, because that’s why God made them. If white Christian men earn their cows, tax-and-spend Democrats have no right to give them away to welfare moms.

Donald Trump: You have the world’s 2 biggest cows. You form a reality show called “Cowprentice,” where cows compete to live on your farm. Then you discover your farm’s bankrupt.

Illusionist

Quantum physics: Your 2 cows might actually be 1 cow in 2 places.

Law

In my many years, I’ve come to the conclusion that 1 useless man is a shame, 2 is a law firm, and 3 or more is a Congress.

Did he kill you?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

How many times have you committed suicide?

Were you present when your picture was taken?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

You were there until the time you left, is that true?

How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Are you sexually active?

No, I just lie there.

Have you lived in this town all your life?

Not yet.

Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?

No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

What gear were you in at the moment of impact?

Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?

Because he was argumentary and couldn’t pronunciate his words.

Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?

He didn’t offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture.

What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?

Oh, she’ll tell the truth. She said she’d kill that son-of-a-bitch, and she did!

What did he do then?

He came home, and the next morning he was dead.

So when he woke up the next morning, he was dead?

Can you describe the individual?

He was about medium height and had a beard.

Was this a male or a female?

What is your relationship with the plaintiff?

She’s my daughter.

Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

By death.

And by whose death was it terminated?

Are you married?

No, I’m divorced.

And what did your husband do before you divorced him?

A lot of things I didn’t know about.

Did you blow your horn or anything?

After the accident?

Before the accident.

Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.

How old is your son, the one living with you?

38 or 35, I can’t remember which.

How long has he lived with you?

45 years.

Do you recall the time you examined the body?

The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.

And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

All your responses must be oral. Okay? What school do you go to?

Oral.

How old are you?

Oral.

What did the tissue samples taken from the victim’s vagina show?

There were traces of semen.

Male semen?

That’s the only kind I know of.

What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”

Why did that upset you?

My name is Susan.

She had 3 children, right?

Yes.

How many were boys?

None.

Were there any girls?

Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?

I will be 3 months November 8.

Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8^th?

Yes.

What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

No.

Did you check for blood pressure?

No.

Did you check for breathing?

No.

So it’s possible the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

No.

How can you be so sure, doctor?

Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

It’s possible he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Both women were judges in the U.S. Both are over 70 years old.

The first woman runs a small-claims court, which decides little questions such as “Did this guy overcharge for cleaning a shirt?” The second woman was on the U.S. Supreme Court, which decides big questions such as “Is abortion legal?”

The second woman (Ruth Bader Ginsberg) seemed to have a better career, except for one detail: the first woman gets paid more. A lot more! About 177 times as much!

Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s salary was $265,600; the other woman’s salary was $47,000,000. That’s because the “other woman” is Judy Sheindlin, the “Judge Judy” on TV.

Which would you rather be: a respected Supreme Court jurist (like Ruth Bader Ginsberg) or a rich TV judicial comedian (like Judge Judy)?

Which of those women is more famous? Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s writings will become famous through U.S. history books, but at the moment more people know Judy Judy’s face. Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s decisions will change the laws of the land and how they’re interpreted, but Judge Judy is teaching more people how law works.

I’m glad we have both women.

I’m a miner but plan to become a judge. When you’re old, they say you can’t be a miner anymore; it’s just the opposite with judges. To prepare to be a judge, I’m reading a book called “The Universe and All That Surrounds It: an Introduction.”

An architect, a doctor, and a lawyer held a contest to see whose dog was smartest.

The architect said “Go, Fifi!” His dog Fifi immediately constructed an exact replica of the cathedral of Chartres — out of toothpicks. Everyone clapped, and the architect gave Fifi a cookie.

Then the doctor said, “Go, Fluffy!” His dog Fluffy immediately performed an emergency Caesarian section on a cow. The cow & calf came through the operation fine. Everyone clapped, and the doctor gave Fluffy a cookie.

Then the lawyer said, “Go, Fucker.” The lawyer’s dog fucked both other dogs, took their cookies, and went out to lunch.

Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything on Me.

And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

How does a lawyer sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a liar? The pronunciation.

Know how copper wire was invented? 2 lawyers were fighting over a penny.

What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? Taller.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

How can a pregnant woman tell she’s carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years.

A good lawyer makes it last even longer.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

3: one to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100? Your Honor.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Senator.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

Once launched, they can’t be recalled.

When they land, they screw up everything forever.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can’t understand.

What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.

What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?

Accountants know they’re boring.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you’re dead.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for the same service.

What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.

Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they’re really good people.

IcicleSoftware.com/LawJokes/IcicleLawJokes.html

The Lord told Noah, “A year from now, I’m going to make rain until the whole earth’s covered with water and all evil people are destroyed. I command you to build an ark to save the righteous people and 2 of every living species.” In a flash of lightning, God delivered the ark’s specifications.

One year later, the rain began falling. But the Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard and weeping, with no ark. “Noah,” shouted the Lord, “where’s the ark?”

Noah replied, “Lord, forgive me. I did my best, but there were big problems.

“First, I had to get a building permit for the ark. Your plans didn’t meet Code, so I had to hire an engineering firm to redraw them. Then I got into a fight with OSHA about the ark needing a fire sprinkler system and approved flotation devices.

“My neighbors complained that to build the ark in my front yard violated zoning ordinances, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

“I had problems getting enough wood because there was a ban on cutting trees, to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the Forest Service I needed wood to save the owls, but the Fish & Wildlife Service won’t let me catch any owls.

“The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now the ark has 16 carpenters but still no owls.

“When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an
animal-rights group objecting that I’d take just two of each kind. Just when I got that suit dismissed, the EPA said I couldn’t finish the ark until I file an environmental-impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the universe’s Creator.

“The Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

“I’m trying to resolve the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission’s complaint about how many Croatians I must hire.

“The IRS seized all my assets because it claims my ark’s goal is to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. The state sent a notice saying I owe a use tax and another saying I failed to register the ark as a ‘recreational watercraft.’ The ACLU made the court issue an injunction against further construction, on the grounds that ‘God flooding the earth’ is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.

“I can’t finish your ark for at least 5 more years.”

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. “You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth, Lord?”

“No,” He said sadly. “I don’t have to. The government did already.”

War

Speak softly and carry a big stick.

Diplomacy is the act of saying “nice doggie” until you can find a rock.

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.

Make the other person think your idea is his idea.

Give peace a chance.

Give peas a chance.

Saddam is attacked by Baby Bush, but the media treats the “War against Saddam” as a football game, like the Super Bowl. We wait for the referee to fire the opening shot. It’s the first scheduled war: “War will begin at 8PM EST.” We get stats on the players, with pre-game comments from the coaches & quarterbacks. We see whether Bush attacks up the middle or does an end-run around the defensive tackles; whether he lobs some passes up into the air or throws straight ahead, Tomahawk style; and whether the sides, in their strategy huddles, lift their fingers with fake signals to fool the enemy. The TV shows photos of the quarterbacks, Bush & Saddam, displayed side-by-side.

“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion.” — Jed Babbin

“The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.” — Regis Philbin

“I don’t know why people are surprised that France won’t help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn’t help us get the Germans out of France!” — Jay Leno

“What do you expect from a culture that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than Nazis?” — Dennis Miller

“Here’s why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein: because he hates Americans and wears a beret. He’s French.” — Conan O’Brien

“I’d rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.” — General George S. Patton

As far as I’m concerned, war always means failure.

If the enemy is in range, so are you.

Try to look unimportant: they may be low on ammo.

If your attack’s going too well, you’re walking into an ambush.

5-second fuses last just 3 seconds.

When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

Don’t draw fire: it irritates the people around you.

Any ship can be a minesweeper… once.

Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.

Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do.

Never be the first, never be the last, and never volunteer.

It’s generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

Try to stay in the middle of the air. Don’t go near its edges, which can be recognized by the appearance of mountains, ground, buildings, sea, trees, or interstellar space. It’s much more difficult to fly there!

Airspeed, altitude, and brains: two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

When faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Flashlights are metal tubes kept in a flight bag to store dead batteries.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.

If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine plane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

If you crash because of bad weather, your funeral will be on a sunny day.

Without ammo, the Air Force would be just another expensive flying club.

You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.

What’s the similarity between air-traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; if the ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

The 3 most famous last phrases in aviation are “Why is it doing that,”
“Where are we,” and “Oh shit!”

Coast Guard: “Support search-and-rescue: get lost.”

Navy: “In God we trust; all others we monitor. You didn’t see me, I wasn’t there, and I’m not here now.”

Air Force: “Without weapons, it’s just another airline.”

Army: “If you spell U.S. ARMY backwards, you find out what it really stands for: yes, my retarded ass signed up.”

Marines (U.S. Marine Corps.): “Here’s what M.A.R.I.N.E.S. stands for: muscles are required, intelligence not essential, sir! Here’s what U.S.M.C. stands for: Uncle Sam’s misguided children.”

Your mouth is called the crumb catcher. Your teeth are your fangs. If you talk too much and are useless, you’re an oxygen thief.

If you were forcibly “volunteered” to do something, you were voluntold. If you head the team that cleans bathrooms, you’re the latrine queen. In the urinal, the scented cake is officer’s candy.

Your pistol is your bang-bang. Your sneakers are your go-fasters. Your flashlight is your moonbeam. Your pen is your ink stick. Your maps are your comics. Flip-flop sandals you wear in the shower are your Jesus slippers.

What meat are you being served? To find out, look at the meat identifier: if you see cranberry sauce, the meat is turkey; if you see applesauce, the meat pork chops.

Got injured? You’re thrown in the ambulance, which is the meat wagon.

On your uniform, the row of medals is your salad bar. If you have many medals & ribbons, that’s your fruit salad, also called your chest candy.

If you’re a pilot, you’re a zoomie and a flight-suit insert. A helicopter is a bird; its pilot is a rotor-head. If you’re tight in your flight suit or (sleeping bag), that’s your fart sack.

Got lice in your hair? That’s your galloping dandruff.

If you do something strangely, that’s like using a football bat. When things go wrong, that’s like a soup sandwich. You’re controlled strangely by the Pentagon, which is the 5-sided puzzle palace.

. If you’re in the army, you’re just a trench monkey. If you’re in the Coast Guard, you’re just a puddle pirate in Uncle Sam’s canoe club. If you’re in the Navy, you’re just a pollywog until you cross the equator; then you become a shellback

military.com/join-armed-forces/military-terms-and-jargon.html

Mechanical engineers build weapons.

Civil engineers build targets.

Yeah, go call me “Ali Baba.”

Do you want to buy a shoe?

Please don’t call me now an “Arab,”

And I won’t call you a “Jew.”

Say I’m just from Meso’tamia

Where our Western culture grew.

Say that Israel is for “us,” and

Not just “me” and not just “you.”

What about the intefada?

Is it just for infants there?

Can us old folks have some peace, or

Must we tear out all our hair?

I am just a kind commuter,

Not a looter, not a shooter.

My computer? Want to boot her

But no ’lectric power there.

Want to calm her, but the bombers

Coming out of both sides’ lairs

Make me wish I were a kishka

Or a hummus dumpling there.

Sure, go call me “Ali Baba.”

Do you want to buy a shoe?

Please don’t call me now an “Arab,”

And I won’t call you a “Jew.”

Call me “Frank.” I’ll call you “Moe.”

Then mo’ frank we both will go;

And our children, they will thank us,

And our parents will not spank us,

As together we will grow,

Searching for our heaven’s glow.

— by Rasaalah Al-Walta

      (Russell Walter’s Arabic cousin)

When the missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said, “Let us pray.” We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.

Slogan                                                                                                             Author

War is a mad game.                                                                                            Jonathan Swift

Draft beer, not people.                                                                                       Bob Dylan

In war, truth’s the first casualty.                                                                          Aeschylus

War makes thieves. Peace hangs them.                                                               George Herbert

When the rich wage war, it’s the poor who die.                                                   Jean-Paul Sartre

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.                                                 anonymous

Old men dream up wars for young men to die in.                                                George McGovern

War doesn’t determine who’s right, just who’s left.                                               Bertrand Russell

Someday they’ll give a war and nobody will come.                                            Carl Sandburg

War is just a cowardly escape from the problems of peace.                                 Thomas Mann

A solider will fight long and hard for a bit of colored ribbon.                              Napoleon

You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.                              Jeanette Rankin

Civilization advances. In every war, they kill you in a new way.                          Will Rogers

The way to win an atomic war is to make certain it never starts.                          Omar Bradley

Unlike women, men menstruate by shedding other people’s blood.                     Lucy Ellman

Join the Army: see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them.                  1978 pacifist badge

Organized slaughter doesn’t settle a dispute. It just silences an argument.            James Green

War’s the only game where it doesn’t pay to have the home-court advantage.     Dick Motta

Everyone's a pacifist between wars. It’s like being a vegetarian between meals.   Colman McCarthy

If just one man dies of hunger, that’s a tragedy. If millions die, that's just statistics. Joseph Stalin

All murderers are punished

unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.                           Voltaire

“There are no atheists in foxholes” isn’t an argument against atheism.

It’s an argument against foxholes.                                                                       James Morrow

A great war leaves the country with 3 armies:

an army of cripples, an army of mourners, and an army of thieves.                      German proverb

Anyone who’s looked into the glazed eyes of a soldier dying on the battlefield

will think hard before starting a war.                                                                   Otto von Bismarck

If people want to make war they should make a color war,

and paint each other’s cities up, in the night, in pinks and greens.                       Yoko Ono

The problem in defense is how far you can go

without destroying from within what you’re trying to defend from without.        Dwight Eisenhower

If you shoot one person, you’re a murderer.

If you kill a few, you’re a gangster.

If you’re a crazy statesman who sends millions to their deaths, you’re a hero.     1939 newspaper

To delight in war is a merit in the soldier,

a dangerous quality in the captain,

and a positive crime in the statesman.                                                                 George Santayana

QuoteGarden.com/war.html

Citizens Police Academy

Chief chat & tour

Gangs

Horses & dogs

How police communicate

Kids & computers

Crime-Scene Investigation (CSI)

Special Enforcement Division (SED)

Special Weapons And Tactics (SWAT) & graduation

I see some of you are repeats. I like seeing that.

Just trying to socialize with you, that’s all. I want to ease into this.

When did my day start? 5:30 this morning!

Last night it got crazy. “Interesting,” I should say.

I know what you guys are doing: you’re sizing us up. Go ahead!

Welcome! You’re going to hear shocking things & funny things.

Some students were in their early 20’s, trying to improve their careers by learning how to deal with police. Some were policemen’s relatives. Some were from agencies that work with police. Others were retired but thought this class would be a fun way to spend an evening.

I work with the Mobile Crisis Response Team (MCRT). It’s a non-profit agency with an 800 number. When we take calls, police sit with us and come with us if the crisis is too hard for us to handle. We want to keep people out of the emergency room.

We received 148,000 calls last year for service.

Nobody wants to talk with cops.

He spent 2 years working in the Concord NH police department then transferred to Manchester. He dealt with public housing then had other positions. 2 years ago, he switched to senior-citizen services, which he heads now. He’s also been in the marines, where he had fun shooting machine guns.

Carlo became chief last July. Before that, he spent 23 years as a policeman in many departments: Child Abuse, then many other departments, then Polygraph.

237 certified officers (including many divisions, such as detectives, the drug unit, and juvenile division), plus 70 civilian helpers. They’re all organized into 6 divisions.

Of the 237 certified officers, 102 are patrol officers. But not all certified officers are available. 33 are missing from action now (as is typical), because some are injured, some are in courses, and some are in the military — so their colleagues cover for them by doing double shifts.

Heather Hamel is the police department’s new civilian Public Information Officer (PIO). Her job is to tell the media about the police department and how police do many things besides just handling shootings.

29 people applied for that position, but the department chose her. She was a career newscaster at TV station WMUR. She has good relations with the media.

The media & police have a history of not trusting each other. Previously, police publicity was handled by a police officer, but we wanted somebody with more experience dealing with the media.

Social media made this job totally different: people don’t believe us anymore.

When I started as a policeman, a policeman’s job was to enforce the law and arrest criminals; but now 60% of a policeman’s activity is to act as a social worker, just 30% or 40% to do law enforcement.

When I signed up to be a policeman, I didn’t sign up to be a social worker, but you can’t get out of the drug problem by doing just law enforcement. Now police must deal with the opioid crisis, mental health, and homelessness. There aren’t enough beds anymore for mental-health patients and other problem people. We must deal with 76 languages, spoken in Manchester by immigrants and others.

Yes, a lot’s changed! We can’t arrest anymore for having drug paraphernalia. If somebody’s drinking in the park, we can give him a $50 ticket the first time, $100 ticket the second time, a ticket to go to court the third time; but he doesn’t bother to go to court, so the court issues a warrant for his arrest, then we grab him. But since the new bail-reform law lets people bail out easily (except for violent crime), offenders ignore tickets, crumple them up, and, after an easy time in court, quickly go back on the streets, doing the same things.

Manchester is New Hampshire’s most populous city and has all big-city problems. But the state’s lawmakers, in Concord, take input from smaller cities where bail reform might be more reasonable. Their reform is kicking our butt. The reform requires judges to be lenient about bail, unless the crime’s very bad.

Other changes have been for the better. Now we can transfer some calls to the Mobile Crisis Response Team (MCRT). The Community Advisory Board meets monthly to give us suggestions.

Can we always get better? Absolutely. But 5% of the community still dislikes police.

The Manchester Police Athletic League (MPAL) is a non-profit program for kids, with a police officer assigned. It teaches the kids how to do sports (such as boxing) plus other skills (such as how to give speeches).

We go into middle schools and get the kids to role-play — imitate cops! — so kids see the cop’s viewpoint, and the cops learn about kids’ reactions, too.

Does the Internet of Things (IoT) affect police work?

Yes, the officers look for doorbell cameras, etc.

We’ve been helped by Protective Policing, which puts data into a crime database and onto a city map divided into 500-square-foot lots, including info about when the crime was committed. For example, it might say that at 5PM, during certain weather, a particular lot often gets hit with crime. So about 5PM, the police will go there for 15 minutes, to watch and scare away the bad guys. That system was invented by IBM & others. It reduced crime each year.

You can’t bring any weapons with you!

Heroin must be put into a bag first.

Clothes dripping with blood are first put into a drying cabinet, which has a window so you can watch the clothes dry. When dry, they’re removed from the cabinet (and any blood fallen onto the cabinet’s floor is wiped up & discarded); then the cabinet is bleached.

Electronics (such as phones) contain evidence that must not be erased. Criminals often tell carriers (such as Verizon) their phones were “stolen,” to make the carrier erase them remotely and destroy the evidence. To prevent such destruction, police leave the phones turned on, plugged in, and stored in a special cabinet that can’t be penetrated by signals from carriers. Police also tell carriers the phones belongs to criminals so don’t erase them.

 In one part, employees hear incoming calls. In the other part, called Dispatch, employees tell police cars where to drive. In Dispatch, each employee sits at a keyboard attached to its own 4 computer screens showing maps of Manchester.

One challenge is to wait until a fake man turns toward you, then fire accurately within 3 seconds. Then try a harder challenge: do it in the dark, while pale blue lights are flashing crazily, imitating the flashing lights of a police car. To help your accuracy, each rifle includes a laser, which shines a red dot at the target, showing where you’ll hit when you fire.

For safety, the Firing Range’s bullets are frangible, which means they disintegrate into harmless powder after they hit the target.

The SWAT van is a bulletproof van. It transports heavily armed police to an emergency. It also acts as a bulletproof wall (“barricade”), for police or victims to hide in or behind. It’s a Ford F-350 pickup truck that’s armored & souped-up.

The police get 50 SWAT calls per year, but that van is used sometimes for non-emergencies too.

The chief’s car is right behind you. If you want to key it, go ahead!

I wouldn’t miss CSI. It’s my favorite session. Gory!

One student said that many years ago, when he was a kid, he got in trouble for having marijuana, which crushed his police career.

Another student said that when she lived in a small New Jersey town, its police were friendly & helpful, but she finds Manchester police unhelpful. For example, while she sat in her Manchester home by a picture window, somebody shot that window, putting bullet holes through it; but when she reported it to police, they brushed her off, didn’t come investigate, and basically told her to get lost, because they didn’t have time to investigate such matters.

peer rejection: they have no friends yet.

no strong male role model: poor parent-child relationships.

Many Manchester residents, when they hear gunshots, don’t dare call police, because they fear retribution from gang members. When police ask “Did you hear gunshots?” the resident might lie and say “No.” If the resident says “Yes” and police ask “Did you call?” the resident might reply “No, I just went back to bed.”

Folk Nation includes the Crips and the Gangster Disciples.

People Nation includes the Bloods and Latin Kings.

Hispanic gangs include Mara Salvatrucha 13 (MS-13).

The main symbol is the number 6. Also, a 6-pointed star, dice (because they have 6 sides) showing 6 dots on the side, 3 (because it’s half of 6), 3 dots (tattooed on your hand), a pitchfork including 3 tines (spears) , the color blue (standing for the Colorado Rockies), an arrow pointing down with a loop in the middle (so the arrow looks like a 6 plus a downward arrowhead), an upside-down 5 (because they hate the Bloods, whose symbol is 5), and BK (which stands for Blood killer). No, the “BK” doesn’t stand for Burger King!

For example, one Crip wrote “CRIP” as a tattoo, but in numbers: since C is the 3^rd letter of the alphabet, C became 3, R became 18, I became 9, and P became 16. He wrote them in Roman numerals, so 3 18 9 16 became
III XVIII IX XVI. By writing just in Roman numerals, he hoped police wouldn’t deduce he was a Crip, but police figured it out!

To show disrespect for 6, they write a 6 with a slash through it. They like bloody red (and green & black) instead of blue. They like the letters MOB, which stand for Member Of Bloods; but if you ask a Blood what the “MOB” tattoo stands for, the Blood usually says “Money Over Bitches” to pretend he’s not a gang member. Another Blood symbol is CK, which means
Crip killer. The Bloods also like an upside-down triangle and a dog paw.

It was founded in 1993 in New York City’s Rikers Island prison. Its members drive to rural areas in Maine and elsewhere, to sell drugs in little towns whose police forces are too small to have anti-gang units. To discover which towns lack anti-gang units, UBN’s leaders peek at police Websites.

The Bloods like that team because its symbol is a 5-pointed star. The Crips like that team because the Crips noticed part of the Astros’ 5-pointed star looks broken.

One of its tattoos is ALKQN (which means Almighty Latin King & Queen Nation). Its main colors are black & yellow, but sometimes red & green. The only New Hampshire cities having lots of Latin Kings members are Nashua & Salem.

Take a string, wrap it around a sticky bottle, drop the bottle into a mailbox, then pull it back out so it’s attached to a letter. Read the letter. Hope it’s a check (such as a mortgage payment).

Have a respectable-looking girl go to a bank, sign the check over to her, and deposit the check into a fake account. Take cash out of that account, and run away before the bank discovers the cheat.

Some banks are trying to reduce that fraud, by tightening the rules about who can get cash. They require a better ID of the person withdrawing, such as a palm print (which is harder to fake than a fingerprint).

In the Bronx, neighborhood gangs post pictures of their enemies. Gangs post on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and electronically. On such social media, they offer drugs for sale, to be paid electronically by Venmo and other pay systems. So now gangs don’t stand on street corners as much as before.

They want as many followers as possible, so they post electronically; but those postings are seen by police also.

Gang members like to watch & produce music videos that include guns & drugs.

Police often chat with gang members. Police relentlessly contact gang members and follow them down the street.

One member finally said to a patrol car, “I want to quit.”

Police told a Blood member, “If you want to get out of the Bloods, police will help you get relocated.”

A gang member told police he couldn’t get a normal job because he didn’t know how to read or write. Police said, “We’ll help you write a job application.”

Problem: when a gang member is in jail, nobody visits him to help him.

A gang member’s mom doesn’t want to get involved in solving the problem: she doesn’t want to talk to police, since she might be doing something illegal herself, such as having a drug problem.

Boys join a neighborhood gang if they live in that neighborhood or are relatives of a gang member’s family. If a boy moves out of the neighborhood, he’s free to leave the gang; but leaving a gang that’s national is harder. For example, one national gang requires a boy to write to Chicago headquarters a letter requesting permission to quit. The Latin Kings are very structured, and so is one of the Blood groups, which stretches from New York to Maine.

Manchester’s prisons are dominated by Folk Nation’s Gangster Disciples. New York City’s prisons are dominated by People Nation instead: of the prisons’ gang members, 25% are Bloods, 11% belong to the next-biggest gang, and the rest belong to a wide variety of other gangs.

Catch a nigger from OTL? I’m gonna burn his ass like a fucking Dutch.

Don’t go after the crime. Go after the population.

In Manchester, the main gang problems are otherwise. Some prostitutes are trafficked by gangs, but other girls are prostitutes “voluntarily” because they’re drug addicts who want money.

She had 16 years of police experience, in the animal-control division then the K-9 (dogs) division then the mounted division (horses). She loves horses and has her own 14-year-old horse at her home.

He had 9 years of police experience, 5 of them in Manchester (mainly in the community-service division). He started dealing with horses just recently, without any previous equestrian background.

Horses are used for crowd control. When a horse approaches a huge crowd, the crowd immediately backs off, gets out of the way. If you try using a police car instead of a horse, the crowd will not back off, because the crowd knows a police car wouldn’t dare run over the crowd. Without a horse, a crowd could turn into a riot. For crowd control, 1 horse is as effective as 10 policemen.

An officer on a horse is taller and more visible than an officer in a police car.

Horses help police get info. A person on the street typically fears talking to a policeman who sits in a police car, but the person happily starts chatting with a police officer on horseback. That helps police learn the secrets of what’s happening in the community.

People, especially kids, like to pet the horses, so people admire police who let people pet horses.

Government officials like having their pictures taken while standing next to horses.

Horses are useful for enforcement in parks. They help police develop rapport with homeless vagrants there, so police can say, gently, “Hey, you got a beer. Not allowed in the park. You’re getting a ticket.”

No law machinery can evoke the public response won by a police horse.

73 motor-vehicle stops, 37 tickets written, 45 arrests made, 48 community events attended. 25,000 people impacted

General Stark is 12 years old and weighs 1500 pounds. He’s friendly and loves to be around kids & dogs.

Valor is 18 years old and bigger than General Stark. He’s ready to retire. He had a problem behind an eyeball, so a surgeon had to remove that eyeball, which got replaced by a rubber ball (which scares people less than an empty eye socket). That horse is stubborn and sometimes bites the officer & General Stark. He often sticks out his penis, which amazes kids who watch him.

Police want a draft horse, not a thoroughbred, because thoroughbred racehorses tend to act crazy & high-strung instead of being stable.

Male horses are preferred, because female horses tend to be moody and must be begged to do things.

To a horse, fingers look like carrots, so the horse is tempted to eat them. Don’t stand behind a horse, because the horse might kick you there, purposely or accidentally. Don’t uplift your palms, because the horse might think they contain a treat and get disappointed.

Nashua has just 4. Goffstown, Laconia, and Gilford each have 1. Londonderry has 1, but it’s old & retired.

2 dogs are trained to sniff for drugs: marijuana, heroin, opium, cocaine, and meth.

4 dogs are trained to sniff for Explosive Ordnance Disposal (EOD), which are explosives whose remnants can be smelled (in discarded guns, bullet-shell casings from bullets that were shot, and homemade explosives used to protect meth labs).

A dog starts going to school sometime after the dog turns 1-year-old but before the dog turns 2. Each dog is trained by Boston’s Patrol School for 14 weeks, while the dog is accompanied by the Manchester policeman who’ll manage the dog. When the dog is 1½ or 2, the dog starts being able to focus on a task, because he knows a reward is coming.

Training is just during daytime: the dog & policeman return to the Manchester area each evening.

The dog sleeps at the policeman’s private home, as his pet. For example, Tucker’s dog sleeps at Tucker’s home, which has 4½ acres. Several times a week, Tucker plays fetch with his dog, which is a 65-pound Belgian Malinois (similar to a Belgian Shepherd). Sometimes he carries the dog in a sling, just for fun, which the dog enjoys, just like a baby enjoys being rocked in a cradle. The dog wags his tail whenever the officer’s 2½-year-old kid gives the dog cookies.

Though the training’s mainly in Boston, some training takes place at other Massachusetts locations (such as the West Bridgewater State Prison, which has fields where the dogs can sniff).

Each class has 10 dogs & their policemen. The dogs & policemen learn from instructors and by watching how their classmates screw up.

Getting a trained dog costs about $60,000, because you must pay for the dog itself, the school, the officer’s time in school ($1000 per week for 26 weeks), the dog’s medical exam ($5000), a kennel ($600, because a $100 doghouse is not sufficient), dog toys (balls), and more.

After graduating from that school, some dogs get 10 weeks of advanced training in bomb school, where dogs learn to find bombs (hidden in the old schools & dark basements of Boston’s Hyde Park neighborhood).

The fire department has an arson dog, which checks for accelerants.

Cadaver dogs check for dead bodies.

One is a regular dog collar.

One is a nylon collar the officer pulls to make the dog release the criminal.

The dog also wears a correction collar: if the dog does something very wrong, the officer can use an electronic remote control to send a small electrical shock to the correction collar.

So during those 6 days, the employee works a total of 34 hours (4 times 8½). “34 hours in 6 days” creates about 40 hour per week (since 34 times 7/6 is about 40), so employees get paid for 40 hours per week, even though they work just 4 days in a row, not 5. Another advantage of the 4+2 schedule is it makes some employees be present on both weekdays & weekends.

You must listen to the person calling you but also all noises & people in the background, while you simultaneously give instructions to that person and to officers you’re sending to a crime scene, plus you’re handling other calls at the same time!

To handle all that well, you need intensive training. Police who try to transfer to the communications division (because it’s non-violent) often fail (because they can’t multitask and can’t remember the rules they were taught), so they return to their previous positions, including more relaxed moments.

hysterical, angry, children, elderly, suicide, well-prepared, long-winded, complaints

If the hang-up call is from a business, the call is usually ignored, because it’s probably a call where the person forgot to dial “1” first (such as to a foreign country that begins with 1-911).

If the hang-up call is from a residence, the call is taken more seriously, since it might be from a person in the process of getting murdered, so police try to look up the caller’s phone number & address.

“He’s got a gun in the Vine Street garage!” “I stabbed somebody and have a substance-abuse problem.” “Got a bullet in his head!” “We got in an argument, shot 5 times, some nigger, Black.” “He’s probably drunk or high.” “I can’t get Comcast!”

A woman said she shot a guy in the face, accidentally: she & a group of friends were sitting in a circle, passing around a gun, thought the gun was unloaded, so she pointed it between a guy’s eyeballs and pressed the trigger.

On her phone call to police, she screamed & yelled. The officer taking the call asked her exactly where she was and told her to calm down, but she didn’t know the address and didn’t even know the street’s name.

The officer eventually figured out she was in an illegal apartment (an unnumbered hidden apartment in an upper floor of a building that wasn’t supposed to have apartments, and accessible just through just a back alley).

Unlike other carriers, Apple protects a caller’s privacy: it doesn’t let a third party use GPS tracking to determine a caller’s location.

To discover who a caller is, police can ping the caller’s phone number. Then a Website reveals the phone’s carrier (such as “Verizon”), so the police call the carrier, who tell police which person owns the phone. But if the phone’s an Apple, it’s harder to get that info.

What to say      Meaning

10-6                     Stand by.

10-19                   Drunk driver.

Code 1                  Routine.

Code 2 (or 3)        Urgent.

Code 4                  Slow the response down.

Code 7                  Chat just about emergency (emergency radio traffic only)

What color is the house? What floor or apartment? Did you see anyone suspicious? As I look at your house from the street, where’s the person: left or right? Any vehicles involved?

Is the case in progress? How solvable is the case? Is it urgent? Should we send detectives? On the phone you found, what’s the serial number & the personal ID?

He started as a patrol officer, then switched to dealing with schools (as a school-resource officer) then juvenile investigations. (A school-resource officer just protects the school’s security and is not a truant officer.)

Central High School is an archaic structure, but that’s what we must work with.

Police can’t keep a kid in a cell for more than 4 hours: the kid must be released to his parents (or, if the parents are unwilling, to somebody else willing to supervise the kid).

If a child’s only wrongdoing is to be a runaway, police aren’t allowed to put the child in a locked cell. The cell must be unlocked. (But if the kid tries to escape from the cell, police can keep him in the cell.)

If police grab a kid because he’s drinking alcohol, police must release him to somebody over 25 years old who’s willing to take responsibility.

When an adult is arrested, police are supposed to read him his “Miranda rights”; but when a kid is arrested, police are supposed to read him his “Benoit rights” (a simplified-English version of the Miranda rights).

When an adult is tried in court, the adult is supposed to plead “guilty” or “not guilty.” But kids aren’t forced to say the word “guilty”: when a kid is tried, the kid is supposed to plead “true” or “not true.” Such a kiddie trial is called a B14 hearing, because it follows the rules of New Hampshire law B:14.

If a kid travels across a state line, police can’t simply return him.

Police can handcuff a kid, but just as a last resort.

For a kid, a “trial” is called just an “adjudicatory hearing,” and a “sentencing hearing” is called just a “dispositional hearing.”

Samantha & James Grenier lived with their kids & dogs in a house full of clutter. Feces were on the floor & wall. Bite marks were on the crib. A kid was strapped to his bed, so his feces were all over his bed. But what was illegal? To make a case, the police accused them of “reckless conduct” and using feces as a “weapon.”

Neighbors knew dogs were there but didn’t know kids were there too.

That unit does digital forensics: it analyzes the insides of computers & smartphones used in crimes.

It also does investigations, such as Internet Crimes Against Children (ICAC), network intrusion, crypto-locking (making a computer stop working, act locked up, until its owner pays a ransom), and phone jamming (making many fake calls to a business’s phone system, so the phones stop working until the business pays a ransom).

It also runs a polygraph machine (lie detector).

Don’t work on the original data.

Instead, make a copy of the data, then work on the copy.

The best is a live-box exam: the criminal’s device is still turned on.

The alternative, dead-box, where the device had been turned off, is less effective.

To get privacy, people often use 2-factor authentication but don’t know it often lets police discover the device’s phone number.

The typical family has many phones in the house. Police must decide which phones to analyze, since analyzing all those phones would take too long.

When a parental-control program tries to restrict an app, the kid will just switch to a different app that’s uncontrolled, such as the chat apps in video games.

To communicate with each other, some criminals use the Tor network, which hides the criminals’ locations & data (until the criminals accidentally screw up).

The ICAC task force (a national network of police agencies) has a huge database of deviant people. It recently locked up 89 people in Georgia.

The U.S. government’s Department of Homeland Security investigates human trafficking.

The U.S. Secret Service can be helpful. For example, it gave 3 Manchester officers $10,000 each in equipment.

Was it a suicide or murder? If murder, by whom?

He spent 2½ years on patrol then 5 years as detective. He spent 2½ years in the burglary unit. He’s admits he’s a nerd. He’s also in the cybercrime unit.

He says he’s not an official “expert” (since he lacks a formal degree in CSI or cybercrime), but he has lots of experience. He’s been involved in police work for 12 years, the last 6 of them in CSI. He got his first taste of CSI work when he was working for the New Hampshire attorney general’s office, investigating how a policeman got murdered.

He’s an Asian-American who grew up in New Hampshire and eventually married a Filipino.

Before working for police, he worked for a technology manufacturer that sent him to Asia often. He enjoyed those travels, until the travel budget got cut. He enjoys police work more.

When he joined the police, acquaintances would ask him, “Oh, you joined because you like to bully people?” He said, “No!” He joined for the opposite reason.

When he was a kid, about 7 years old, another kid tried to bully him, but a friend protected him from the bully. He thanked the friend and thought to himself, “Gee, when I grow up I want to be like my friend: protecting people from bullies!”

Years later, when he tired of working for a technology company, he searched for a job more helpful to society and make him proud. A friend suggested, “Why don’t you follow your childhood dream of protecting people from bullies?” So he became a policeman.

His relatives, like most Americans, feel nervous around policemen, so (unfortunately) they feel nervous chatting with him.

Moisture degrades DNA, so keep moisture away from the fingerprint. If the object is wet, make it dry! It dries faster in a paper bag than in a plastic bag.

Suppose a guy robs a bank then drives home. How many places should you search, and how many search warrants do you need?

Search 3 places (the bank, the getaway car, and the home), but you need just 2 search warrants: 1 for the car and 1 for the home, since they’re private, but not for the bank, which is a public area.

Dead guy is on a living-room couch, in a sitting position. His head’s top portion was blown off and missing. Blood’s on his head and splattered onto walls. A rifle is propped between his legs and pointed up into his mouth. Murder or suicide?

Fragments of his skull are found in the kitchen.

There are no obvious signs of a fight, even though he’s a big guy. No ashes are spilled from the nearby ashtrays. A dust layer is still undisturbed on the coffee table, so there was no struggle.

There’s indeed a suicide note, which seems to match other examples of his handwriting. (But nobody in the CSI team or New Hampshire government is a certified handwriting expert so must rely on just common sense, unless the handwriting samples are passed to the U.S. Secret Service, which includes handwriting experts. Manchester’s police department gets along well with the Secret Service & FBI. Hollywood movies wrongly pretend there’s territorial conflict. The U.S. Department of Homeland Security trained Manchester’s police for 6 weeks about many matters.)

Blood splattered on the wall matches his sitting position, so apparently the body wasn’t moved. If the wall has a blank area in the middle of the splatters, another person was there, but there’s no such blank area. If a bullet is shot fast, droplets on the wall are tiny; fatter droplets would indicate a slower bullet. But the very big red splats on the wall aren’t just his blood: they’re pieces of his organs!

Since the rifle is long and its handle is still between his legs, how did he reach his hand far enough down to pull the trigger? Answer: to pull the trigger, he used his toe!

Conclusion: suicide.

This dead guy is lying flat on the kitchen floor of a rooming house. He’s face-up.

The trails of blood on his clothes & body are in the wrong direction, seeming to indicate the blood dripped up instead of down to the floor, but that would defy gravity. Solution: somebody rolled the body over. That would seem to indicate somebody murdered him.

Nearby is a knife with an 8½-inch blade. He was killed by that knife, plunged down into his upper chest. That’s a strange angle for a suicide! But if there was a murder from a knife fight, there should be defensive wounds. No such wounds are found, and no perpetrator blood is found anywhere.

Eventually, after heavily interrogating the rooming-house tenants, the CSI team discovered the truth: the death was a suicide; but when another rooming-house tenant came in (1 hour after curfew) and saw the body, he turned the body over (to see its condition), got scared of being accused of murder, and ran away. He eventually admitted doing that.

There’s an extra knife cut across the neck, but that was caused by a hesitation move (a hesitant move before the final suicide was committed), followed by reaching high over his head and making the knife’s final plunge down into his chest.

Conclusion: suicide.

A guy didn’t show up at work, even though a meeting was scheduled. The business got a message saying, “You guys will be okay without me.” To investigate, a colleague drove to the guy’s apartment building and rang the bell. He got no answer. But when driving away, his car suddenly got splattered with blood. The bleeding body was found on the pavement. Murder or suicide?

Here’s what the CSI team discovered. The victim’s apartment is on the 16^th floor. It contains no signs of a fight; nothing is disturbed. Furniture is still in the right places. Dust (pollen) is still on the Ottoman and a sliding glass door to the balcony. That door’s screen is still unbroken. So it looks like no violence occurred, and the victim simply decided to jump out the window, a suicide.

But a cleaning lady, working on the 4^th floor, had heard yelling on the 5^th floor. The victim’s shoes & hat are found on the 5^th floor. On the victim’s dead body, his face was horribly deformed, and the chest’s right side is roughed up (abraded). Despite those peculiarities, the death turned out to be a suicide. The guy, in his 16^th-floor apartment, walked out to his balcony and jumped; but he didn’t know the 5^th floor was a parking garage that jutted out, with a railing; so instead of landing splat on the ground, his face smashed onto the 5^th floor’s railing, making him yell as his face got deformed, and making the railing scrape against his chest, as his shoes & hat fell off and he bounced off that railing, onto the pavement 5 floors below. A painful death!

His bedroom contains a baseball bat, but there’s no blood on it, and his body isn’t batted. The bat turned out to be a sports-memorabilia gift from his dad, who died a few days earlier from cancer. The dad’s death depressed him, so he committed suicide even though he had a good life. (Ken said, “So did Robin Williams.”)

The police discovered he had no criminal record, was in no gang. His family said his phone contained no interesting messages.

Step 1: get a search warrant. 2: take photos. 3: identify what to collect.
4: document the location of those items. 5: collect the evidence.
6: release the scene (depart but leave a copy of the search warrant).

The first is an overview shot, showing the whole room and where objects are in the room. Take several overview shots, to show all 4 corners of the room. The second kind of photo is midrange, showing just the object and what’s next to it. The third kind of photo is a series of closeup shots, showing the object’s details from several angles.

Manchester paid about $80,000 for it. That was a discount price; the list price was much more. Fancier brands cost 3 times as much, but the Faro brand is good enough. Manchester is quite happy with it. Boston bought 7.

The camera mainly takes photos of a crime-scene room. The camera rotates itself automatically, taking photos of the whole room (including the corners, floor, ceiling, and everything in the room), and automatically stitches the photos together to form a 3D virtual video tour of the room. It also automatically computes the distances between everything in the room (by using its laser beam with trigonometry).

It can handle rooms and outdoor scenes. The laser beam can shoot far, up to 350 meters.

It can’t see objects hiding under or behind other objects, until you move it to a different vantage point; but after you move it and it takes a different shot, it stitches the shots together.

If somebody in the room is walking, that person screws up the shot and must be erased from the shot, manually. (Fancier cameras, which cost 3 times as much, erase that person automatically.)

It can analyze the scene and predict where the perpetrator was shooting from.

Faro’s first cameras were used by surveyors & the construction industry (to measure distances & angles) but now are used by police too.

After grabbing a sample of evidence, switch gloves before grabbing the next sample, to avoid mixing DNAs.

If a gun was used, grab the bullet-shell casings and put them in plastic & tins (to preserve any DNA). If you find hair, pick it up with a plastic instrument and put it in a plastic bag. To photograph footprints & shoe prints, aim straight down, to avoid distortion.

Photograph tire tracks, because tires have unique nicks. Photograph at least 8 feet of them, because a tire’s circumference (tread) can be up to 8 feet long. The tracks take 72 hours to cure; send them to the lab, with the sand.

If you find a computer or phone that’s still turned on, leave it on (because if you try to turn it off, the device or Verizon might detect you tried and so might automatically encrypt the data to hide it). Swab a computer’s keyboard & monitor for fingerprints & DNA. To examine a phone’s contents, you need a special search warrant, beyond the building’s general search warrant.

Get blood samples from near the victim but also from far away, since the far droplets might be from the perpetrator and identify him. (That’s because when a perpetrator uses a kitchen knife to stab, his hand typically slips off the handle and gets cut, creating those faraway blood drops.)

Notice which blood droplets are wet and which have dried, to get a time sequence of events.

When a gun makes a bullet hole through the victim, his blood typically splatters out the hole’s back and also the hole’s front, as a mist that winds up on the perpetrator’s gun, so swab the gun for samples of the victim’s DNA.

Notice how many lines of blood are on the wall. If several lines, the victim was shot (or battered) several times.

Notice the direction of each droplet, from its fat part to its long thin part. That tells you what direction the gunshot came from. Droplets can also tell you about the bullet’s speed and gun.

Even if the perpetrator tries to wipe blood off his gun and other objects, the blood’s traces can still linger there and be detected by using “Blue Star,” a chemical that makes blood protein turn blue.

Street-Crime Unit (SCU)

Special Investigative Unit (SIU)

Special Weapons And Tactics (SWAT)

The Street-Crime Unit (SCU) investigates high-crime neighborhoods. It’s headed by Greg DiTullio; 9 officers assist him. He’s been involved for 13 years. The SCU mainly deals with drugs & prostitutes but also handles robberies, violent felons, and random complaints. It receives Crime Line tips (from anonymous neighbors) plus direct calls about suspicious vehicles & houses. It also visits random locations. Hot areas are 7-11 stores, school zones (where kids pick up discarded drug needles), and Econo Lodge. It makes several arrests per day.

The Special Investigative Unit (SIU) investigates illegal drugs, prostitutes, gambling, and their gangs. It’s headed by Bob Bellenoit; 6 officers assist him. He was hired 17 years ago, in 2002. He spent his first 7 years as an ordinary patrol officer, then 5 years as a detective, then the midnight shift, but now he’s a sergeant.

Wear a special undershirt, which hides body armor, which is inserted into the undershirt’s pockets.

Try to wear clothes that hide guns, etc. That’s harder to do in the summer! In summer, wear sweat clothes.

Don’t wear disguises. They look too fake. But you might shave your beard & mustache and add a goatee.

When you’re sitting in public, pay attention but don’t look like it.

SCU arrests you for having drugs. Then you agree to become a
confidential informant (CI): you give confidential info to SIU, which tries to protect your safety while promising to either pay you for info or help you get a reduced jail sentence, your choice! Those promises make you go into a house to buy drugs and report back to SIU on your experience.

In case anything goes wrong when you’re in that house, SIU develops a hostage-rescue plan beforehand. The SIU tries to find out whether the drug dealer has kids or guns, which apartment, whether he buys half a kilogram at a time, and from where. At least once a day, the typical drug dealer goes to Massachusetts (Lawrence or Methuen) to get resupplied.

Police say, “Everybody or a family member knows somebody who has a drug problem.” If a guy buys a $500,000 house and has many visitors but no job, police figure he’s a drug dealer. In Manchester, if police see a car from Plymouth NH and the driver is on the phone, it’s probably a drug deal. Many drug dealers now use apps that are harder to listen into. Sometimes the FBI or DEA will pick up a case; that makes the case more likely to result in jail time.

A Manchester meth dealer was operating in his house, using supplies mailed from California. The feds helped Manchester police get him and 20 guns.

the entry team (who can smash into rooms)

snipers (who position themselves outside the building)

negotiators (who try to talk the criminal into a peaceful resolution)

Jason Feliciano has been a policeman for 15 years, 8 of them on the SWAT team. He grew up in Florida, but when his wife became a prosecutor near Manchester he moved here. He has 3 kids.

Eric Boblato has been here 2 years as part of the Street-Crimes Unit (SCU). Before that, he was in Salem NH and part of a regional policing organization. He got married 2 weeks ago. He’s a trainer. He can do “almost anything” except explosives.

You can shoot well, using a rifle & handgun. You’re recommended by your supervisor. You pass a physical test: do pullups, carry 30 pounds upstairs, and run 1½ miles fast (but if you’re old, you’re allowed to take a little longer).

During the recent emergency at Quality Inn, Manchester’s SWAT team got help from Nashua’s team. Manchester’s SWAT team gave help to Rochester NH’s SWAT team when a guy with an AK-47 rifle was shooting at a police helicopter. At Manchester’s big convention center (called the “Southern New Hampshire University Arena”), Manchester’s SWAT team got practice together with the fire department, handling a simulated emergency.

So yes, Manchester’s SWAT team works with Nashua’s SWAT team, plus a SWAT team from the Southern NH Region. They’d studied at the same SWAT school together, so the teams work well together, except for one difficulty: radio communication, since the different teams use different radio frequencies. Solution: during an emergency, all teams can temporarily share a special radio frequency, but that special frequency isn’t secure; criminals can listen in.

If the criminal is flushing drugs down the toilet, don’t use that as an excuse to rush in.

If the criminal is barricaded, just shoot gas and negotiate.

Maybe run a robot inside, to make sure nobody’s hiding in a closet. (The robot includes a camera & microphone. Manchester’s robot is just a basic one. Once, Manchester threw the robot down the stairs to the basement, where it found a criminal. Fancier models, used elsewhere, include a speaker and can drag bodies. Dallas used an extra-fancy robot that blew up itself and the criminal. Salem NH doesn’t have any robots at all.) After the robot checks the rooms, have a dog double-check.

Dogs are used mainly on the perimeter, to chase runaways.

Snipers use a long rifle, with a scope. They sit on the top of nearby buildings and overwatch. They see through windows and gather intelligence. Snipers & K-9 officers get 16 hours of training, plus more.

Negotiators learn in school, from psychologists, what keywords to avoid that would escalate the situation. They try to develop a rapport with the criminal but also listen for hostages & accomplices.

CERTIFICATE OF COMPLETION

This certificate is awarded to [student’s name] for participation in the Manchester Police Department’s Citizens Police Academy.