Intellectuals
To get more out of life, become an intellectual! Being intellectual is fun.
Try to learn the truth. Dig deeper! Mark Twain said:
It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.
He also said:
To begin, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards. I’ve never let my school interfere with my education.
Intellectuals say there are 3 kinds of people:
intellectuals, average people, small-minded people
President Franklin Roosevelt’s wife (Eleanor Roosevelt) said:
Great minds discuss ideas.
Average minds discuss events.
Small minds discuss people.
Keep learning, even after you’ve left school, even after you got a job or raised kids, even after you’ve reached retirement age. Learning keeps your mind young & well. Bill Gates said (in Time magazine’s 6/5/17 issue):
You don’t start getting old until you stop learning.
Even if you have a nice job already, keep learning more! Encourage your coworkers & bosses to help you get smarter: let them train you, mentor you, become your mentors. Bob Proctor said:
A mentor is someone who sees more talent & ability in you than you see in yourself — and helps bring it out of you.
Professors
To have fun, become a professor! Professors get low pay but enjoy short hours and long vacations (for summer, Christmas, and “spring break”). They use their free time to soak up more cultural experiences or moonlight as consultants or writers.
How many hours?
There’s the tale of the farmer who asked the professor how many hours of class he taught. The professor said “14 hours.” The farmer said, “Well, that’s a long day, but at least the work’s easy.” The farmer didn’t realize the professor meant 14 hours per week.
Being a professor ain’t a total joyride: you must spend lots of time grading papers, going to faculty meetings, preparing & researching your lectures, and performing other administrative crap. But compared to most other jobs, it’s a piece of cake. And you get lots of free benefits, such as medical plans, campus events, and other entertainment, such as the joy of laughing at your students.
Promotion
If you’re a successful professor, you’ll be promoted to “dean” or “president,” which will make your life more miserable, since then you must spend lots of time administering instead of “fooling around” (I mean “doing research”). “Administering” means “dealing with headaches and trying to embarrass people into donating money.”
Back in the 1960’s, when students protested for more freedom, Stanford University’s president gave this description of his job:
A university president has 3 responsibilities: provide sex for the students, athletics for the alumni, and parking for the faculty.
Advice for students
What colleges teach is overpriced. Instead of paying many thousands of dollars per year to enroll, you can just visit a bookstore, buy the textbooks, and read them yourself, for a total cost of a few hundred dollars instead of thousands. But you won’t take that shortcut, because nobody will motivate you. The main reason for going to college is social: to chat with other students and professors who’ll motivate you, argue with you, and encourage you to move yourself ahead.
The average professor spends just a small percentage of his day in front of a big class; he spends most of his day helping individuals or tiny groups. But most students spend most of their days in the big classes; just a few take the opportunity to chat with the professor one-to-one or in small groups. That’s why the typical student says “most of the classes I take are big” while the typical professor says “most of the classes I teach are small.” Example:
At Dartmouth College I did statistics proving the average student spent most of his time in huge classes, while the average professor spent most of his time in tiny classes, leading to wildly different perceptions of what the “average” student-faculty ratio was.
In many colleges, students complain the professors are cold and unapproachable. On the other hand, the professors complain that not enough students come visit the professors during the professors’ office hours. When students fail, the students therefore blame the professors (for being unapproachable), while the professors blame the students (for not approaching).
If you’re a student, remember that you (or your parents) spend lots of money on college. Make sure you get your money’s worth!
Ask professors lots of questions, during class or privately. Interact with your classmates. Take advantage of the many cultural events on campus. Do whatever else you can to make your experience more worthwhile than just reading textbooks you could have bought for a tenth of the price of a college education.
Cynical quotes
Definition (in Hilary Price’s Rhymes with Orange cartoon):
College: assisted living for young adults.
Groucho Marx said this in Horsefeathers:
Let’s tear down the dormitories! The students can sleep where they’ve always slept: in the classroom!
W.H. Auden said:
A professor is a person who talks in someone else’s sleep.
Dave Barry gave this advice to students:
Memorize things, write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and must stay in college the rest of your life.
To get good grades on English papers, never say what anybody with common sense would say.
Anybody with common sense would say Moby Dick’s a big white whale, since the book’s characters often call it a big white whale. So in your paper, say Moby Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who’s sick of reading papers and never liked Moby Dick anyway, will think you’re enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, major in English.
To encourage students to read the classics, update the titles:
Original title Edited title, to increase sales
The Iliad and the Odyssey The ill & the odd
The Bible The Buy Bell
Romeo and Juliet Row me! Oh! And you’ll “ee!” yet!
House of the 7 Gables House of the 7 girls
Moby-Dick; or the Whale Mo’ by dick, my Big Dick; oh, you’ll wail!
Philosophers
Honest philosophers call themselves “fullosophers,” because when they present their arguments, the audience thinks, “You’re full of it!”
Will philosophy vanish?
When the BBC (British Broadcasting Company) interviewed philosopher Bertrand Russell, he said most “philosophical” problems eventually become “scientific” problems. Examples:
The question of whether matter is infinitely divisible (able to be divided into smaller and smaller particles, without reaching any limit) was originally a “philosophical” problem argued by Greek philosophers but eventually became a “scientific” problem analyzed by physicists.
The question “What is happiness” used to be a philosophical problem but has become a question of psychology, psychiatry, and biochemistry.
The interviewer asked him, “Does that mean philosophy will disappear?” Bertrand Russell replied, “Yes.”
Why be a philosopher?
When Bertrand Russell was young, he was a mathematician and the world’s most famous logician. But when he saw dead bodies come back from World War 1, he switched his career to philosophy, because he felt math wasn’t relevant to the most important problems of living. He said:
The “timelessness” of mathematics consists just in the fact that mathematicians don’t talk about time.
Wesleyan’s tunnels
Back in the 1970’s, the basements of Wesleyan University’s dorms were connected by tunnels, upon whose walls the students wrote philosophy. Sample:
“To do is to be.” — Socrates
“To be is to do.” — Sartre
“Do be do be do.” — Sinatra
Another sample:
There’s nothing to do on a rainy day in Kansas;
but it never rains, so you never get the chance.
Failures
Don’t let your failures discourage you. Learn from them. They’ll also help you appreciate your later successes more. Truman Capote said:
Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.
Remember this famous saying:
If at first you don’t succeed? Try, try again!
But also heed W.C. Field’s elaboration:
If at first you don’t succeed? Try, try again!
Then stop. No use being a damn fool about it!
Shavian philosophy
George Bernard Shaw said:
Life is not meant to be easy, my child; but take courage: it can be delightful.
Success versus happiness
Don’t confuse “success” with “happiness.” Actress Ingrid Bergman said:
Success is getting what you want.
Happiness is wanting what you get.
My philosophies
I have 2 philosophies of life.
My optimistic philosophy can be summarized in 3 sentences:
Life’s an adventure. Enjoy the ride. Watch out for the curves.
Here it is in one sentence:
Have fun, but be careful.
My pessimistic philosophy is:
God (or Fate) is a practical joker who says, “You thought that was bad? How about this…”
Donkey
The Internet offers this inspiring tale.
A farmer’s donkey fell into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided that since the donkey was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it wasn’t worth the trouble to retrieve the donkey.
He invited his neighbors to come help him. They all grabbed shovels and began to throw dirt into the well.
The donkey realized what was happening and whined horribly. But then he suddenly quieted down. A few shovelfuls later, the farmer looked down the well and was astonished to see that for every shovelful of dirt hitting the donkey’s back, the donkey would shake it off and step up onto it. Soon everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the well’s edge and trotted off.
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake off the dirt and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can emerge from the deepest wells just by persevering. Never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
Remember these 5 simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred.
Free your mind from worries.
Live simply.
Give more.
Expect less.
By the way, the donkey kicked the shit out of the bastard who tried to bury him. Moral:
When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.
Chicken
Why did the chicken cross the road?
According to the Internet, these thinkers would give straight answers.…
Traditional answer: To get to the other side.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. Alone.
Walt Whitman: To cluck the song of itself.
Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by.
Mae West: I invited it to come up and see me sometime.
Captain Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Jack Nicholson: ’Cause it fucking wanted to. That’s the fucking reason.
Timothy Leary: That’s the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Jerry Falwell: The chicken was gay, going to the “other side.” If you eat it, you’ll get gay.
Moses: God told the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” There was much rejoicing.
Zsa Zsa Gabor: To get a better look at my legs, which — thank goodness — are good, dahling.
Martin Luther King: It had a dream where all chickens can freely cross without their motives questioned.
Sigmund Freud: The chicken was female and envied the crosswalk-sign pole as a phallic symbol.
So would these scientists.…
Sir Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.
Darwin: Chickens, over centuries, have been naturally selected to cross roads.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Gregor Mendel: To get various strains of roads.
These thinkers would deny that the chicken simply crossed the road:
Joseph Conrad: Mistah Chicken, he dead.
Emerson: It didn’t cross the road: it transcended the road.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
John Cleese: This chicken is no more. It’s a stiff, an ex-chicken. Ergo, it didn’t cross the road.
Saddam Hussein: Its rebellion was unprovoked, so we justifiably dropped 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Albert Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
These thinkers would investigate further:
Jerry Seinfeld: Why the heck was this chicken walking around all over the place anyway?
George W. Bush: We just want to know whether the chicken is on our side of the road or not.
Sherlock Holmes: Ignore the chicken that crossed; the answer lies with the chicken that didn’t.
Oliver Stone: Who else was crossing and overlooked, in our haste to observe the chicken?
These thinkers would raise questions.…
Bob Dylan: How many roads must one chicken cross?
Shakespeare: To cross or not to cross, that is the question.
John Lennon: Imagine all chickens crossing roads in peace.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Voltaire: I may not agree with the chicken, but I’ll defend to death its right to cross.”
These thinkers would brag about technology:
Al Gore: I invented the chicken and the road. The crossing serves the American people.
Bill Gates: My eChicken 2.0 also lays eggs, files documents, and balances your checkbook.
These thinkers think the others are too long-winded:
Grandpa: In my day, we didn’t ask why. We were told the chicken crossed. That was that!
Fox Mulder: You saw it with your own eyes! How many must cross before you believe?
Alfred E. Neumann: What? Me worry?
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Which of those thinkers is closest to your own philosophy?
Blunt predictions
Here are blunt, true predictions to tell a kid, if you’re mean:
You’re young & cute, but someday you’ll be old & ugly.
Before you’re 20, you’ll want to kill yourself.
The sooner you die, the less unhappiness you’ll experience.
Your friends will eventually hate you.
Some people will be glad when you die.
Name the 5 things you want most for your future. You’ll fail at most of them.
Psychologists
The most misspelled word in the English language is “psychology.” You should spell it “sighcology,” since it’s the study of why people sigh.
It studies what makes people sad or glad — ah, the meaning of happiness! — and what motivates people to be effective.
It also studies why people act crazy. At Dartmouth College, the course in “Abnormal Psychology” is nicknamed “Nuts & Sluts.”
Many psychology experiments are performed on rats before being tried on people, so the course in “Psychology” is nicknamed “Ratology.”
Trick the professor
According to psychology, if you make your victim happy when he performs an activity, he’ll repeat that activity more often. That’s called reinforcement.
At Dartmouth College, a psychology professor was giving a lecture about reinforcement, but his lecture was too effective: his students secretly decided to make him the victim! They decided on this goal: make him teach while standing next to the window instead of the blackboard. Whenever he moved toward the window, they purposely looked more interested in what he was saying; whenever he returned to the blackboard, they purposely looked more bored. Sure enough, they finally got him to give all lectures from the window! They’d trained their human animal: the classroom was his cage; his class became a circus. When the students finally told him what they’d done, he was so embarrassed!
Okay, kids, try this with your teachers! Pick a goal (“Let’s make the teacher lecture from the back of the room while he does somersaults”) and see how close you can come to success!
With an experiment like that, everybody wins, since the students must keep watching the teacher to find out when to pretend to look interested. So the students can’t fall asleep in class. If a student secretly snitches to the teacher about what’s going on, the teacher should play along with it, because the teacher knows the students will watch the teacher’s every move while the game continues. A rapt, excited audience is exactly what the teacher wants!
Double-blind
If you want to experiment on humans, to determine which social settings and drugs are most effective, make sure neither the experimenters nor the patients know which patients got which treatments, until after the experiment is over. If the experimenters or patients know too much too soon, they’ll bias the test results.
The most accurate kind of experiment is called double-blind: neither the experimenters nor the patients know who gets which treatment; the experimenters & patients are both blind to what’s going on, until after the test. For example, to accurately test whether a pill is effective, it’s important that neither the experimenters nor the patients know which patients got the real pills and which patients got the placebos (fake pills) until after the experiment is over.
Here are 3 famous examples proving that double-blindness is essential to accuracy.…
Clever Hans In the late 1800’s, a Berlin math professor named Wilhelm Von Osten believed animals could become as smart as humans. He tried to teach a cat and a bear to do arithmetic but failed. Then he tried to teach a horse to do arithmetic and seemed to succeed, after training the horse for just 2 years. He called the horse “Clever Hans.”
The horse correctly answered questions about arithmetic — and also about advanced math, German, political history, and classical music. Whenever Wilhelm asked the horse a question whose answer was a small integer (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, etc.), the horse would tap his foot the correct number of times, even if the question was complicated, such as:
“What’s the square root of 16?” (The answer is 4.)
“If you add 2/5 to ½, what’s the total’s numerator?” (The answer is 9.)
“How many people in the audience are wearing hats?”
Wilhelm really believed he’d taught the horse to do advanced thinking. He and his horse became famous celebrities.
In 1904, Germany created a scientific committee to determine whether the horse was really smart or the whole thing was a hoax. The committee included two zoologists, a psychologist (Carl Stumpf), a horse trainer, and a circus manager. The committee concluded that the horse really was smart, since it could answer questions asked by audience members (who’d never seen the horse before) even when Wilhelm Von Osten and his staff weren’t present.
But one of Carl Stumpf’s students, Oskar Pfunkst, experimented on the horse further. Oskar discovered that if the interrogator (the person interrogating the horse) didn’t know the right answer himself, the horse didn’t know the answer either. He finally discovered how the horse got the right answer: the horse looked at the interrogator’s body. After an interrogator asked the horse a question, the interrogator had a natural human tendency to look intensely at the horse’s leg, lean forward to look at it, and be tense until horse tapped the correct number of times. Then the interrogator relaxed a bit, unconsciously. The horse noticed that relaxation and stopped tapping.
Moral: when testing the intelligence of a horse — or anything else — it’s important that the experimenter (interrogator) not be biased by expecting an outcome, since the patient (horse) can be influenced by that bias.
Hawthorne In the 1920’s and 1930’s, psychologists tried some experiments in Western Electric’s “Hawthorne” factory in Chicago.
First, psychologists tried improving the lighting, by making the place brighter. As expected, the workers’ productivity increased.
But then the psychologists tried another experiment: they lowered the lighting. Strange as it seems, lowering the lighting made productivity increase further!
It turned out that what made the workers productive wasn’t “more lighting”; it was “attention and variety.” Anything that made the workers’ life more interesting and less monotonous made productivity increase. Also, perhaps more important, workers work harder when they know they’re being watched!
The same thing happened when the “rest breaks” and pay were changed: the act of change itself made productivity increase, regardless of whether the change was intended for better or worse.
That’s called the Hawthorne Experiment. Moral: workers (and patients) do better when they know they’re watched and cared about, even if the conditions are worse. So if you try a new technique (or pill) that seems to be successful, the success might be just because the patients know they’re being watched, not because your technique itself is really good.
Bloomers In the 1960’s, Robert Rosenthal and Lenore Jacobson had psychologists sit in the back of 18 elementary-school classrooms, watch the students, and then tell the teachers that certain kids were “intellectual bloomers” who’d probably improve a lot. Then the psychologists left. At the end of the year, the psychologists came back, gave the kids IQ tests and, sure enough, the kids that had been called “intellectual bloomers” improved more than the other kids and were also “better liked,” even though those kids had actually been picked at random! That’s because the teachers treated those kids differently, after hearing they were “intellectual bloomers.”
They repeated the experiment with a welding class: they told the teacher that certain students in the welding class were “high aptitude.” Sure enough, those students scored higher on welding exams, learned welding skills in about half as much time as their classmates, and were absent less often than classmates, even though those students had actually been picked at random.
In an earlier test, they told psychology students that certain rats were “bright.” Sure enough, the “bright” rats learned to run through mazes faster, even though those rats had actually been picked at random.
Moral: if you expect more of a person (or rat), you’ll tend to give that individual more helpful attention, so the individual will live up to those expectations. Second moral: if you (or teachers) expect a certain outcome, it will happen, just because you expected it.
Travel
Whenever you feel bummed out, take a trip — for a month or week or day — or at least walk around the block or watch TV or read a newspaper or book. When you see other people acting out their own lives and ignoring yours, you’ll realize your momentary personal crisis is unimportant in the grand scheme of life.
If a close acquaintance thinks badly of you, so what? Billions of other people in the world don’t care, don’t have any opinion of you, know nothing about what you’ve done, and don’t care about it. All they care about is that you act like a nice person now.
Act nice, and the world will grow to love you. If your little world temporarily hates you and you don’t want to deal with it, explore a new world: take a trip!
Worry
It’s good to consider what might go wrong, so you can prepare for a possible disaster. Then prepare, as best you can.
But don’t let that worry totally consume you, so you spend all your time just worrying without accomplishing anything. Don’t let your worry make you a nervous wreck who’s immobile, unable to accomplish anything at all.
Erma Brombeck said:
Worry is like a rocking chair:
it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere.
Suicide
More suicides occur on Sunday than any other day of the week. That’s because Sunday’s the only day when Americans have enough time to ponder how meaningless their lives are.
The best cure for suicidal thoughts is: Monday! Go back to work, get reinforced every hour for your accomplishments, and keep yourself busy enough to avoid introspection.
Every day, I think about killing myself, but the main thing stopping me is curiosity. I’m a news junkie with a sci-fi bent: I want to know what will happen to the world tomorrow, and if I kill myself I won’t find out!
The old news anchors — Peter Jennings, Tom Brokaw, and Dan Rather — saved my life. They gave me a reason for living: to find out what stupid things they’d be forced to say the next day. Now they’re gone, along with the relevance of broadcast TV news, so I get my life force by reading newspapers and Internet news feeds.
When I see the daily newsreels of horrors around the world, I remember why God created evil: to make us feel better by knowing that other people are even worse off and we’re so lucky not to be them!
Learn from your miseries and become a better person.
If your travails are long and tough
And your rewards are few,
Remember that the mighty oak
Was once a nut like you.
But if you nevertheless decide to kill yourself, here’s a suggestion about the best way to do it:
A local newspaper here ran an article whose headline said “Police kill suicidal man.” The police in Henniker NH got a call saying a relative (a man in his 40’s) was depressed (because he was fired from a bookstore) and seemed suicidal (judging from what he phoned to his 5-year-old estranged daughter), so the police went to his house. Nobody responded to their knocks, so they forcibly entered and found him. They asked him if he was okay. Instead of replying, he walked near a rifle, picked it up, and aimed it at a policeman, so they shot him in self-defense. Since his gun was loaded, the police were exonerated.
Hey, that’s a clever way to commit suicide: get the police to do the killing for you! But plan carefully, to make sure you don’t accidentally shoot the police when they shoot you.
Neurotransmitters
Scientists discovered that just 4 things give a person pleasure:
discovery, pride, hugs, relief
Okay, I confess, that’s an oversimplification. Here are the details.
Just 4 chemicals give your brain pleasure by transmitting signals from your nerves to your brain. The 4 chemicals are:
dopamine gives you joy when you discover something new
serotonin gives you joy when you’re proud of yourself
oxytocin gives you joy when you give or receive hugs
endorphins gives you joy when your pain goes away
Let’s dig deeper.…
Dopamine gives you joy when you discover something. For example, maybe you finally understand something you’ve been studying, or you discover something new in your neighborhood, or you have a wild experience you never had before, or you take an illegal drug (such as cocaine) that makes you feel high. After you’ve taken an illegal drug that makes you feel wonderful, the drug eventually wears off, makes you desperately hungry to get that effect again, and turns you into an addict. Marijuana makes you feel relaxed but also makes your body create dopamine.
Serotonin gives you joy when you’re proud because other people praise you or because you’ve accomplished something. Normally, your body contains a moderate amount of serotonin, so you feel contented. If you don’t get enough serotonin, you feel depressed; you feel you’re a worthless jerk, wonder why you’re still on this planet, wonder why bother living, and want to commit suicide.
After a nerve transmits a big hit of serotonin to a nerve closer to the brain, the first nerve takes back (reuptakes) the excess serotonin, so not as much serotonin gets to the second nerve and the brain. To feel happier, take an antidepressant drug called a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI), which stops the reuptake. The most famous SSRI antidepressant drugs are Prozac, Paxil, and Zoloft.
Oxytocin gives you joy when you hug or cuddle. It’s called the cuddle chemical. You get it when you feel bonded to another person. You get it when you kiss, since your lips have lots of nerves in them. If you’re a woman who wants to make a man love you and feel bonded to you, the best way is to have kisses with him. During the sex act itself (penis in vagina), the woman’s brain receives lots of oxytocin (so the woman feels bonded to the man), but the man’s brain receives dopamine instead, so the man feels he’s having a high but does not feel bonded to the woman. That’s why men tend to be less faithful than women — unless the sex act is accompanied by lots of hugging & kissing. A woman’s brain receives lots of oxytocin during hugging, cuddling, kissing, and sex but also during pregnancy & breastfeeding. Comedian Kate Quigley reveals (and exaggerates) the difference between male & female sexual pleasures in this video:
YouTube.com/watch?v=ruQljpbYJ64
Endorphins give you the relief you feel when pain goes away. Examples:
A bite of spicy food makes your tongue hurt for a moment, but then the endorphins come and make you feel great, so you want to do it all over again and take another bite.
An acupuncture needle stuck into your skin makes you wince for a moment, but then the endorphins come and make you feel great, so you want more needles!
When you athletically jog or run, and push yourself to do it as fast as you can, you feel tired & strained at first, but then the endorphins kick in and make you feel great, so you get a runner’s high, want to keep going, and want to do it again tomorrow.
When you laugh, you release a lot of tension, so the endorphins kick in.
The word “endorphins” means “naturally-in-your-body morphines.” Opioid drugs (such as opium, morphine, codeine, heroin, fentanyl, carfentanil, thebaine, oxycodone, and hydrocodone) imitate endorphins: they make pain go away. Most opioid drugs are illegal, but some are used medically, during & after surgery, to reduce pain. Brand-name drugs that include oxycodone are OxyContin and Percocet. Brand-name drugs that includes hydrocodone are Vicodin and Norco.
Those 4 chemicals (dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and endorphins) give you all your pleasures. They transmit pleasure signals from your neurons to other neurons and finally to your brain, to motivate you to repeat those activities. Since they transmit from neuron to neuron, they’re called neurotransmitters.
Your body contains other neurotransmitters also, whose purpose is not pleasure or joy.
The most famous neurotransmitter
is adrenaline
(which is also called epinephrine).
Its purpose is to give you energy to deal with an emergency. For example, if a
wild animal is about to eat you, adrenaline gives you the energy to either
fight the animal or run away, so adrenaline is called the
fight-or-flight
chemical. It makes you act like Superman, briefly.
Though adrenaline is created when you have a threat (such as a wild animal), it’s also created by any excitement, noise, bright lights, and heat.
Adrenaline is made by the adrenal glands, which sit atop the kidneys. To manufacture adrenaline (epinephrine), the adrenal glands oxidize dopamine to create norepinephrine, which is then modified to create epinephrine.
The illegal drug called MDMA (nicknamed “ecstasy”) mainly increases serotonin; but it also acts as an SSRI, so you feel doubly happy, dangerously so. It also increases dopamine and norepinephrine.
Hormones
Hormones travel to the brain through your liquids (such as your blood) instead of through nerves. Here are the most famous hormones:
ghrelin (pronounced “grelin”) makes you feel hungry
leptin makes you feel “unhungry,” full
testosterone makes you act male (females produce less testosterone)
estrogen makes you act female (males produce less estrogen)
progesterone makes you act pregnant
Dementia
When you get old, your brain might have trouble working properly: you’ll lose your memory, be senile, act demented. The most common form of dementia is Alzheimer’s disease, where you forget the purpose of things.
Elderly people are scared that they might be getting demented. Here are some quick tests:
If you forget where your keys are, that’s normal; but if you forget what your keys are for, you’re demented.
If you were ironing your clothes but forget where you put your iron, that could be normal; but if you put your iron in the freezer, that’s demented.
If you put clean dishes into the dishwasher, you’re probably either demented or Chinese. (The Chinese often use their dishwashers just as storage racks.)
British researchers have discovered this quick test for pre-Alzheimer’s (having an Alzheimer-damaged brain even through you don’t act crazy yet): within one minute, name as many fruits & vegetables as you can think of. (You can name fruits or vegetables or a mix.) If you’re normal, you’ll name at least 20; if you have pre-Alzheimer’s (or Alzheimer’s), you’ll name no more than 15 (because your mind will repeatedly mull over the first 15 and have difficulty breaking loose to go beyond them). As for myself, I score about 17, so I guess I’d better be careful!
One reason why the elderly seem demented is they struggle to focus on the task at hand. My crazy relative passed me this e-mail from the Internet:
Do you have AAADD?
They’ve finally found a diagnosis for my condition. Hooray! I’ve recently been diagnosed with AAADD — Age-Activated Attention-Deficit Disorder. Here’s how it goes.…
I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. Yeah, I’m going to wash the car; but first I’d better go through the mail. I lay the car keys on the desk, discard the junk mail, and notice the garbage can is full. I’d better take it out; but since I’m going to be near the mailbox anyway, I should pay these bills first. Where’s my checkbook? Oops, there’s just one check left. My extra checks are in my desk. I’d better get them.
Oh, there’s the Coke I was drinking. I’ll look for those checks; but first I must put my Coke farther from the computer — or maybe I’ll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold awhile. As I head towards the kitchen, flowers catch my eye: they need water. I set the Coke on the counter and… Oh! There are my glasses! I was looking for them all morning! I’d better put them away first. I fill a container with water, head for the flowerpots, and… Aaaaaagh! Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We’ll never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch TV, so I’d better put it back in the family room where it belongs. I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, throw the remote onto a cushion on the sofa, head back down the hall, and try to figure out what I was going to do.
End of day: the car isn’t washed, the bills are unpaid, the Coke is still on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half-watered, the checkbook still has just one check in it, and I can’t find my car keys!
When I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m baffled because I know I was busy, all day long! I realize this is a serious condition and I’ll get help, but first I think I’ll check my e-mail.…
Please send this to everyone you know because I don’t remember whom I’ve sent this to! But please don’t send it back to me, or I might send it to you again!
Quick thoughts
Here are quick thoughts about getting psyched.
The ⅔ solution During the 1960’s, when I was learning to be a clinical psychologist, the professor told us that ⅔ of all psychological problems resolve themselves, without help — though a nudge helps!
Tough times When life becomes difficult, just try harder to succeed. The Marines say:
When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
In Up the Down Staircase, the school’s principal told the teacher:
Let it be a challenge to you.
Grow up?
Bored people grow up.
Fascinating people grow down: they reconnect with their inner child.
Paranoid Warning:
Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.
Habits In a psych lecture about habits, the professor said he knew a bishop who dispensed advice to priests. To the question, “Is it okay to kiss a nun?” the bishop replied:
It’s okay to kiss a nun once in a while,
but don’t get in the habit.
Emotion-logic test
Psychologists invent ways to test your personality. Here’s my own test: are you more like me (Russ) or my wife (Donna)? Are you a “Donna” type (emotional) or a “Russ” type (logical)?
Donna eats whatever tastes good.
At home, Russ eats just what’s “healthy” (but indulges at restaurants).
When offered chicken, Donna chooses dark meat (because it’s tastier).
Russ chooses white meat (because it’s healthier, since it has less fat).
To figure out how to install and use a new product, Donna guesses.
Russ reads the instructions.
Donna likes to take photos (to preserve the memories).
Russ doesn’t bother.
Donna is warm to relatives and loves to spend time with them.
Russ has less time for relatives; he’s under time pressure from work.
In the summer, Donna likes to turn the air conditioner on, for comfort.
Russ likes to turn the air conditioner off, to save money.
In the winter, Donna likes to turn the furnace on, for comfort.
Russ likes the turn the furnace off, to save money.
Donna sees doctors and dentists just when things hurt.
Russ gets regular checkups (though just occasionally, to reduce expense).
Donna takes cars to repair shops just when cars break.
Russ maintains cars regularly (according to schedule).
Donna believes the elderly should dye their hair (to look younger).
Russ believes in letting the gray show (to look natural and truthful).
Donna rushes through most tasks, to dispose of them quickly.
Russ does things more carefully — and finishes them too late.
Donna gets up early, to start her day energetically.
Russ stays up late to finish things, because he’s always behind.
Donna believes in being tactful, even if that means fibbing a little.
Russ believes in being frank, even if that means breaking a secret.
Donna says doctors should hide bad news from patients, to preserve hope.
Russ says doctors should tell the truth, so patients can act wisely.
Donna believes in alternative medicine, such as herbs.
Russ believes in traditional medicine, just pills approved by the A.M.A.
Donna throws out newspapers immediately, to reduce clutter.
Russ hoards newspapers, to avoid losing information.
Decide whether you’re more like Donna or Russ. Then invent your own test, containing your own name and a friend’s.
According to the Donna-versus-Russ test, Donna differs from me (Russ) in many ways. We stay married because our differences are smaller than what we have in common:
similar tastes in music, movies, furniture, clothing
enjoy keyboard instruments more than guitar
skilled at math, logical reasoning, and teaching
love reading & studying, explore different cultures
like cultural cities more than quiet countryside
kind of cheap, don’t pursue luxury or name brands
like to eat at inexpensive restaurants
naively trust people, get surprised & upset at cheating
sex is not a priority
not very optimistic; a little stubborn
What do you and your friends have in common? List the reasons you stay friends. Share that list with your friends: you’ll appreciate each other even more!
Loretta LaRoche
Now yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is God’s great gift to you:
That’s why it’s called “the present.”
That’s the closing poem in The Joy of Stress (a PBS special by funny therapist Loretta LaRoche). The poem means this:
Don’t fret about the past, for you can’t change it.
Don’t fret about the future: can’t explain it!
So calm down and savor the moment you’re in.
It’s God’s little favor: come taste every flavor!
Now Loretta has a new presentation, called Stop Global Whining.
Test about life
Here’s a multiple-choice test about life.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and....
Which completion is most correct?
Cry, and you cry alone.
Cry, and you get a loan.
Cry, and the world laughs at you.
Cry, and your dad says to shut up.
Cry, and you win the Academy Award.
Cry, and you get on a Jerry Springer talk show.
Cry, and your lover pities you and marries you.
Mr. Stupid
Why do people act strangely? Sometimes it’s because their strangeness makes them feel unique & powerful.
They call me Mr. Stupid
Because I am so cool!
I put my pants on backwards —
Just love to break the rules!
I fall in love with any girl
Who dares to tell me “no,”
Since any girl who dislikes me
Must really be a show!
Though I’m called Mr. Stupid,
I never really mind,
Since I know how behind my back
They whisper I’m so fine!
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But names will never hurt.
Though maybe stupid, I’m unique.
The other folks are dirt.
Folks do not mind my joyous brags.
In fact, they even laugh.
Each time I tell a dirty joke,
They offer me a bath.
Stupidity is wonderful
When I am in control.
I may be just a character,
But on my bridge, the troll!
Christmas stress
Cartoonist Glenn McCoy says Christmas celebrities get stressed:
Rudolph the Reindeer: “All the other reindeer laugh and call me names!”
Santa Claus: “I don’t believe in myself!”
An elf: “I’m trapped in a dead-end job!”
Frosty the Snowman: “I think I’m bipolar!”
What’s your stress?
The Internet recommends these Christmas carols for the psychologically
challenged:
Diagnosis Song title
Multiple-personality disorder We 3 queens disoriented are
Amnesia I (think) I’ll be home for Christmas?
Narcissist Hark the herald angels sing about me
Paranoid Santa Claus is coming to town to get me
Tourette’s syndrome Chestnuts… grrr! roasting on… bite me!
Seasonal-affective disorder Oh the weather outside is frightful, so frightful
Schizophrenic Do you hear what I hear: the voices, the voices?
Depressed Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is pretty lonely
Agoraphobic I heard the bells on Christmas Day but wouldn’t leave my house
Alzheimer’s disease Walking in a winter wonderland, miles from my house, in my bathrobe
Social-anxiety disorder Have yourself a merry little Christmas while I sit here and hyperventilate
Passive/aggressive On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me then took it all away, so I pouted for a week to teach that ass a lesson
Bipolar disorder, manic episode Deck the halls and walls and house and lawn and streets and stores and office and town and cars and buses and trucks and trees and fire hydrants…
Obsessive-compulsive disorder Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells…
Autistic Jingle bell rock and rock and rock and rock…
Borderline personality disorder You better watch out, I’m gonna cry, I’m gonna pout, maybe say why
Borderline personality disorder 2 Thoughts of roasting in an open fire
Antisocial-personality disorder Thoughts of roasting you on an open fire
Oppositional-defiant disorder “You better not cry” “Oh yes, I will” “You better not shout” “I can if I want to” “You better not pout” “Can if I want to” “I’m telling you why” “Not listening” “Santa Claus is coming to town” “No, he’s not!”
Oppositional-defiant disorder 2 I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus, so I burned down the house
Attention-deficit disorder We wish you… hey look! It’s snowing!
Attention-deficit disorder 2 Silent night, holy… oooh, look at the froggy! Can I have a chocolate? Why is France so far away?
Attention-deficit/hyperactivity All I want for Christmas is everything, and I want it now!
Slogans
Zulily.com sells clothes (especially T-shirts) with emotional slogans written on them. Examples:
Well, that did NOT go how I planned it. — My life story
I used to be a PEOPLE PERSON, but people ruined that for me.
SORRY, I can’t talk. I talked to 2 people yesterday.
They call me p because I’m irrational and don’t know how to stop.
I had a lot to do today. Now I have a lot to do tomorrow.
I’m not lazy. I’m energy-efficient.
I’m not weird. I’m eccentrically gifted.
I’m not bossy. I’m just aggressively helpful.
I’m not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.
I’m not practicing social distancing, I just don’t like you.
I’m not a one-in-a-MILLION kind of girl. I’m a once-in-a-LIFETIME kind of woman.
I’m not feeling very WORKY today.
I don’t always have time to get my shit together, but when I do, I don’t.
Don’t study me. You won’t graduate.
I like my coffee how I like myself: strong, sweet, and too hot for you.
She wears black but has the most colorful mind.
Cookie tester, reporting for duty.
A well-read woman is a dangerous creature.
I’m a lady with the vocabulary of a well-educated sailor.
Careful, or you’ll end up in my novel.
Underestimate me. That’ll be fun.
Thou shalt not try me. — Mood 24:7
I had my patience tested. It was negative.
SORRY I called you an IDIOT. I thought you already knew.
Once in a while, someone amazing comes along… and here I am.
Having a weird mom builds character.
“He’s made everything beautiful in its time.” — Ecclesiastes 3:11
I NEED A HUGe amount of money.
Dear Santa, I’ve been really good this year. Mostly. Sometimes. Never mind, I’ll buy my own presents.
The first rule of the passive-aggressive club is… You know what. Never mind, it’s fine.
For young kids:
Future teenager.
You can’t scare me. I have sisters.
Yes, I’m a boy. No, I’m not cutting my hair.
I prefer to call myself “delightfully difficult.”
Dance with fairies. Swim with mermaids. Run with unicorns. Chase rainbows.
A Zulily coffee mug says:
You and I are SISTERS. Always remember: if you fall, I’ll pick you up (after I finish laughing).
These are from other Websites (such as CatalogFavorites.com and LegitAve.com):
The dream is free. The hustle is sold separately.
Cremation is my last chance for smoking hot body.
If you’re happy and you know it, it’s your meds.
Sometimes I meet people and feel bad for their dog.
What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it’s all about?
Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye.
Sorry I’m late. I didn’t want to come.
Don’t rush me. I’m waiting for the last minute.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said: “No, we all seem to enjoy it.”
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd, to see who’s next.
Understanding what a woman wants is difficult, like trying to figure out what color the letter 7 smells like.
Mental-illness ditty
Mental illness strikes us all, eventually. During one of my bouts, I wrote this ditty to cheer myself up:
I’m mentally ill.
My mind’s made of swill.
I’m king of the hill
When humping.
I hope that someday
Life turns out okay,
But now I’m in bed
And thumping.
Just wish I were dead.
Please come shoot my head.
What happens? I dread
I’m nothing.
Take me away
The most famous song about mental illness is They’re coming to take me away, recorded in 1966 by Jerry Samuels (whose stage name is Napoleon XIV). I’ve recast it here as a poem:
Remember when you ran away?
Upon my knees, I begged “Don’t leave
Or else I’ll go berserk.”
You left me anyhow, and then
The days got worse and worse, and now
I’ve lost my mind. You jerk!
So now they’re taking me away
To farms (with beauty all the time
And men in clean white coats).
When I said losing you would make
Me flip my lid, you thought it was
A harmless joke. You laughed.
You know you laughed. I heard you laugh.
You laughed and laughed, and then you left;
And now I’ve gone quite mad.
So now they’re taking me away
To Happy Home with trees and birds,
Where people twiddle thumbs.
In movie-making courses, students create movies using Jerry’s original recording as the scary soundtrack. Here’s an example:
YouTube.com/watch?v=C0rgeQ0QD-o
Be grateful
Marcel Proust (the French novelist) said:
Let’s be grateful to the people who make us happy;
they’re the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.
Chemists
Chemists are mixed up.
Puzzles
How good are you at chemistry? To find out, see how long you take to solve these chemistry puzzles:
1.. A chemist noticed a certain reaction took 80 minutes whenever he was wearing a green necktie, and the same reaction took an hour and twenty minutes whenever he was wearing a purple necktie. Why?
2. If you drop a steel ball, would it fall faster through water at 20 degrees Fahrenheit or water at 60 degrees?
To torture kids, ask them those puzzles. If you can’t solve those problems yourself, ask your friends, until you find a friend smart & kind enough to tell you the answers — or read the answers here:
1. 80 minutes is the same as an hour and twenty minutes.
2. At 20 degrees Fahrenheit, water is ice, which would slow the ball.
The first puzzle comes from Martin Gardner’s book, Mathematical Puzzles. The second puzzle is in many sources, such as S. Harold Collins’ book, Mastering the Art of Substitute Teaching. To have more fun, get those books!
DHMO
Many people worry that our food contains too many chemicals. They say our food should contain no chemicals at all.
With that worry in mind, concerned chemists have created a Website called DHMO.org, which warns about the dangers of a chemical called DHMO, which is dihydrogen monoxide. Examples of DHMO’s dangers:
Many people have died from imbibing too much DHMO. Even just a thimbleful, up your nose, can kill you!
Unfortunately, DHMO is very prevalent. It’s the main component in acid rain. DHMO spreads very easily. Many evil industries pour DHMO into rivers & streams.
DHMO is used in the distribution of pesticides. Trying to wash off your fruits & vegetables doesn’t remove the DHMO. The cells of most plants and animals are now full of DHMO — and so is your food! Horribly, DHMO is added to many junk foods!
DHMO can be a solid, liquid, or gas. Your skin can get badly burned by contact with solid or gaseous DHMO. Your whole life can disappear — you die! — when you’re immersed in liquid DHMO.
DHMO can destroy electrical circuits. It can even render ineffective your car’s brakes!
DHMO is used by many criminals, for many purposes. To make matters worse, DHMO is highly addictive: to get access to a hit of DHMO, cultures around the world have gotten so desperate that they’ve even resorted to violence & wars. Whole communities have been destroyed by being flooded with DHMO.
DHMO can sneak up to you without warning, since it’s odorless and colorless. The atomic chemicals that make up DHMO are in many other deadly substances, such as explosive nitroglycerin and poisonous cyanide.
Few laws limit DHMO. In 2002, a radio news show reported that Atlanta’s water system was contaminated with DHMO, but Atlanta’s water department replied that Atlanta’s water contained no more DHMO than permitted by law.
When told of DHMO’s dangers, 86% of Americans believe the U.S. government should ban DHMO.
DHMO (dihydrogen monoxide) is also known as dihydrogen oxide, hydrogen hydroxide, hydronium hydroxide, and hydric acid. Dihydrogen monoxide’s chemical symbol is H2O. That chemical is also called water.
That Website’s purpose is to laugh at Americans who fear anything that sounds chemical. Look again at those examples of DHMO’s dangers, and see how they’re true about the dangers of… water!
Administratium
In April 1988, William DeBuvitz wrote about the discovery of administratium. Here’s a summary of what he and later researchers have reported:
Chemists have finally discovered the heaviest element known to science. The element, administratium, has no protons or electrons, so its atomic number is 0; but it has 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons, and 111 assistant vice-neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force involving the continuous exchange of meson-like particles (called morons) and surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles (called peons).
Administratium is inert (since it has no electrons) but can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it contacts: a tiny amount of administratium can make a reaction take 4 days that would normally take less than a second.
Administratium has a half-life of 3 years, after which it doesn’t decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons, and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. Administratium’s mass increases over time, since each reorganization makes some morons become neutrons, forming new isotopes, called isodopes. The moron promotion makes chemists think administratium forms spontaneously whenever morons reach a certain concentration, called a critical morass.
Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere but concentrates at certain points (such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities). It usually appears in buildings that are new, fancy, and well-maintained.
Since administratium is toxic at any concentration level, it destroys any productive reaction. We’re trying to control administratium, to prevent irreversible damage. Help stop this deadly element from spreading!
Zulili.com sells a T-shirt saying this summary:
The universe is made of protons, neutrons, electrons, and MORONS.
Hell’s heat
Back around 1950, chemists tried to prove heaven’s hotter than hell. The proofs gradually got more sophisticated. A 1972 article in Applied Optics gave this argument:
Revelations 21:8 says hell is a “lake burning with fire & brimstone,” so hell’s temperature is below the boiling point of brimstone (sulfur), which is 444.6°C.
Isaiah 30:26 says heaven is full of intense light, which generates lots of heat energy, 525°C according to our calculations.
So heaven is hotter than hell.
The full article is at LhuP.edu/~dsimanek/hell.htm.
This bonus question appeared on a chemistry test:
Is hell exothermic (giving off heat) or endothermic (absorbing heat)?
Prove your answer.
The professor expected the students to use Boyle’s law (which says compressing a gas makes it hotter). According to the tale, the top student gave this answer:
First, we must discover how hell’s mass is changing, so we need to know how fast souls enter hell and how fast they leave.
Once a soul gets to hell it won’t leave, but how many souls enter hell? According to most religions, if you’re not a member of that religion, you go to hell. Since there are many religions but no single person belongs to more than one, all people and their souls go to hell; so in light of birth & death rates, the number of souls in hell will increase exponentially.
Boyle’s Law says that for hell’s temperature and pressure to remain constant, hell’s volume must expand proportionately as souls are added. That gives two possibilities.…
#1: If hell expands slower than souls enter hell, hell’s temperature and pressure will increase until all hell breaks loose.
#2: If hell expands faster than souls enter hell, hell’s temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given me by Teresa during my freshman year that “It will be a cold day in hell before I sleep with you” and realize I slept with her last night, hell’s already frozen over, so hell is exothermic and #2 is true. Since hell’s frozen over, it isn’t accepting more souls and is extinct, leaving just heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why last night Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God!”
Elements
In 1959 Tom Lehrer wrote a song called The Elements, where he sang the names of the 102 chemical elements discovered so far, to the tune of the Major-General’s Song from Gilbert & Sullivan’s Pirates of Pinzance. Here are 3 videos about it:
Tom sings, with element photos: YouTube.com/watch?v=SmwlzwGMMwc
Tom sings, with periodic table: YouTube.com/watch?v=zGM-wSKFBpo
Harry Potter’s Daniel Radcliffe sings: YouTube.com/watch?v=rSAaiYKF0cs
Warning: for the first video’s Web address, the letter after w is a lower-case L.
An improved song, called The New Periodic Table Song, gives 118 elements listed in correct order (by atomic number), sung to the tune of Jacques Offenbach’s Gaîté Parisienne. It’s at:
Fast version: YouTube.com/watch?v=VgVQKCcfwnU
Slow version: DailyMotion.com/video/x2q1nnr
Those singers also made a song about which scientist to become: is it better to be a physicist, chemist, biologist, or mathematician? Here them sing their arguments at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=LTXTeAt2mpg
Jokes
Chemists react — with humor.
Chemists do it on the table, periodically.
Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.
According the chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium.
Want to hear a joke about nitrogen oxide? NO?
Old chemists never die. They just stop reacting.
What kind of dogs do chemists have? Laboratory retrievers.
What did one charged atom say to the other? I’ve got my ion you.
If H2O is the formula for water, what’s the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much? They’re cheaper than day rates.
Why are chemists so great at solving problems? They have all the solutions.
What’s the chemical formula for candy?
Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium, or CHoCoLaTe.
A neutron walked into a bar. He asked, “How much for a beer?”
The bartender replied, “For you, no charge.”
At the end of a chemistry class, the teacher asked, “What’s the most important thing you learned in the lab?” A student replied, “Never lick the spoon.”
Activists say, “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.”
Chemists say, “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.”
An optimist sees the glass half full.
A pessimist sees the glass half empty.
A chemist sees the glass completely full: half liquid, half gas.
Teacher: “What’s the formula for water?”
Student: “HIJKLMNO.”
Teacher: “No.”
Student: “But you said the formula for water is H to O.”
Helium is used in balloons. Its symbol is He.
A chemist was reading a book about helium, but he just couldn’t put it down.
What does a chemist say when he enjoys seeing a balloon rise? HeHeHe.
Potassium’s symbol is K.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium. It went OK.
Why is potassium a racist element? Because when you put 3 of them together, you get KKK.
Iron’s symbol is Fe.
Superman, Batman, and Spiderman are all men. Why is Ironman a woman?
Because she’s a Female.
Sodium’s symbol is Na.
What fish is made from 2 sodium atoms? 2 Na.
Know any more jokes about sodium? Na.
Gold’s symbol is Au.
Silver walked up to Gold in a bar and said, “Au, get outta here!”
Cesium’s symbol is Cs.
What TV show do cesium and iodine love watching together? CsI.
Sodium chloride is the plain salt you sprinkle on food.
A man was stopped for having sodium chloride and a 9-volt in his car.
He was booked for a salt and battery.
Sulfuric acid is H2SO4.
Susan was in chemistry,
But Susan is no more.
What she thought was H2O
Was H2SO4.
Hydrogen peroxide is H2O2.
H2O is water. H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4? It’s 4 drinking.
Two chemists walked into a chemistry bar. The first chemist said, “I’ll drink H2O.” The second chemist say, “I’ll drink H2O too.” He died.
In chemistry, Avogadro’s constant, which is also called a mole, is a huge number, about 6.02´1023.
How many guacs are in a bowl of guacamole? Avocado’s number.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A 1-molar solution.
Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he left the singles bar?
He got Avogadro’s number.
The Tonight Show had Jay Leno read this classified ad:
“Do you have mole problems? If so, call Avogadro at 602-1023.”
Finally:
I apologize for not having more chemistry jokes, but I add them just periodically.
This is the last chemistry joke, because all the good ones argon.
Physicists
Physics is phunny.
Physics for poets
To help liberal-arts students understand physicists such as Newton and Einstein, physicists teach a course called “Physics for Poets.” The whole course is summarized in 4 sentences:
Physics rule Poetic meaning
Newton’s theory of gravitation The earth sucks.
Newton’s third law of motion Every jerk creates his equal opponent.
Einstein’s E=MC² A small matter can mushroom into a big whoopee.
Einstein’s theory of relativity Your views are influenced by your relatives.
Einstein song
In the 1700’s, the British invented a song called “Oh, dear, what can the matter be?” In the 1900’s I invented this updated version, thanks to Einstein:
Oh, dear, what can the matter be?
Oh, dear, what can the energy
Be, dear? Einstein will tell us
“It’s E equals M C squared.”
Dear musical physicists: could you please contribute more verses?
Physicist versus mime
Which is better: to be a physicist or a mime?
In 1931, Albert Einstein (physicist) said to Charlie Chaplin (mime):
What I admire most about your art is your universality. You don’t say a word, yet the world understands you!
Charlie Chaplin replied:
True, but your fame is even greater! The whole world admires you when nobody understands you.
(That’s according to one memoir. Other memoirs have slightly different phrasings.)
Why study physics?
Physicist Richard Feynman, who won the Nobel prize, said:
Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.
Electricity
Physicists study electricity. So do electricians.
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
If you spend too long thinking about electricity, your head hertz.
A battery and a firework were arrested. One was charged, the other let off.
Barometer test
Back in 1958, Reader’s Digest published a tale by Alexander Calandra about a barometer test. Later, he and others embellished the tale, to create fictional versions that are more fun, such as this:
A physics test said to “Find a height of a tall building by using a barometer.” The professor considered the correct answer to be “Use the barometer to measure the air pressure at the building’s top and the building’s bottom, then analyze the difference.”
But one student gave this cleverer answer: “Put the barometer at the end of a rope, lower the rope from the top of the building, and measure the rope’s length plus the barometer’s length. Or throw the barometer from the top of the building and measure how long the barometer takes to fall. Or compare the length of the building’s shadow to the length of the barometer’s shadow. Or walk up the stairs while you mark, on the walls, how many barometer-heights you had to climb. Or attach the barometer to a rope, swing it like a pendulum, and measure how the swing time at the building’s top differs from the bottom.”
The professor demanded, “Don’t you know the simplest answer?”
The student replied, “Sure! Tell the building’s superintendent you’ll give him the barometer if he tells you the building’s height! That’s the simplest answer. I’m fed up with you professors telling me how I should think!”