Sex
Here’s the most dangerous topic: sex! (If you’re conservative, you may skip to the next topic, which is immersed in computers and where a boring person like you belongs!)
Search for pleasure
According to God, the purpose of sex is to get pregnant, so you have children and propagate your religious sect. According to men, the purpose of sex is just to have fun.
The Internet has answered pregnancy questions. Questions from women:
Should I have a baby after 35?
No, 35 kids is enough.
I’m 2 months pregnant. When will my baby move?
After he finishes college.
What’s the most reliable way to determine a baby’s sex?
Childbirth.
Must I have a baby shower?
Not if you change the baby’s diaper fast.
Questions from men
Must I be in the delivery room while my wife’s in labor?
Not unless the word “alimony” means something to you.
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife feel & act normal again?
When the kids are in college.
Seek and ye shall find — if you get lucky.
Field of love
How I hope I’ll find the field
Where love runs deep and hearts grow strong,
A stream becomes an ocean song,
Your twinkling eyes and their surprise
Become a universe of joy!
Take me to that fertile field
Where pounding hearts beat always true,
We keep the love we always knew
And grow it gently. I love you.
I believe.
Obama’s 3 questions
President Barack Obama said:
A man should ask himself 3 questions before marrying a woman.
Do you find her interesting? You’ll spend more time with her than anyone else for the rest of your life. Nothing’s more important than always wanting to hear what has to say about things.
Does she make you laugh?
If you want kids, will she be a good mom?
He said that in 2015 to the White House communication director, Dan Pfeiffer, according to Dan’s 2018 book, titled “Yes, We (Still) Can.” (I abridged Obama’s comment.)
Reply to love
If somebody says “I love you,” you can reply by chanting:
I love you, too.
I love you 3.
I love you 4ever!
How love looks
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry said:
Love doesn’t consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.
Dancing
George Bernard Shaw said:
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
George Balanchine said:
Someone said dancers work just as hard as policemen, always alert, always tense. But I disagree, because policemen don’t have to look beautiful at the same time.
Taking 8 women to bed
If you’re a typical man, here’s how you deal with taking a woman to bed if she’s slightly younger than you, according to the Internet:
Her age Your role How you go to bed
8 parent At bedtime, you take her to bed and tell her a story.
18 seducer You tell her a story to take her to bed.
28 pal You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
38 seduced She tells you a story to take you to bed.
48 unwanted She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
58 tired You stay in bed alone, to avoid her story.
68 laughing If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!
78 demented What story? What bed? Who the hell is she?
Male orgasm
If you feel good about yourself, so you’re not depressed, you get sexually aroused more easily. That’s why Xaviera Hollander, the “Happy Hooker” who ran a bordello in New York City, made this comment about servicing her customers who were stockbrokers:
When the stocks go up, the cocks go up.
Viagra Since Viagra’s generic name, sildenafil citrate, is hard to remember, consumers have invented these alternative names for it: mycoxafloppin, mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarisin, dixafix, and ibepokin.
Female orgasm
Here’s how Anaďs Nin described her orgasm, in her 1937 diary:
Palpitations project a fiery
and icy liqueur through the body. Electric flesh-arrows traverse the body. A
rainbow of color strikes the eyelids.
A foam of music falls over the ears. It’s the gong of the orgasm.
Oh, so that’s what it’s like? Could we get the details straight, please? What flavor is the liqueur? In which direction do the flesh-arrows traverse the body? Which pitch is the gong bang? Can this multimedia video be remixed to improve the performance?
Faking If you’re a woman who wants to stroke a man’s ego by faking an orgasm, take this advice from actress Candice Bergen:
I may not be a great actress, but I’ve become the greatest at screen orgasms: 10 seconds of heavy breathing, roll your head from side to side, simulate a slight asthma attack, and die a little.
Sharon Stone said:
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.
The abridged version is more popular:
Women fake orgasms. Men fake relationships.
Dildo A dildo is a sex toy that’s an artificial penis.
In the whole history of sex the 3 most important countries are France, Greece, and Canada. The French gave us “French kissing” (oral sex); the Greeks gave us “Greek style” (anal sex); and the Canadians gave us 2 versions of The Dildo Song. The first version is a parody of a 1950’s ad for the Slinky toy and includes these pearls of wisdom:
It’s long and a schlong, a marvelous dong.
It fits in a sock, feels better than cock.
It fits in your bum and sure makes you cum.
It vibrates a bit, feels great on your clit.
It fits in girls’ cracks. Some even have sacks.
They’re not just for gays. They use double A’s.
Just rotate the knob: they buzz and they throb.
A girl on the go? No time for a beau?
Yes, this is your perfect fellow, you know.
You can see women sing it at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=r248DPAlavQ
The second version of The Dildo Song is about a Canadian town named Dildo. That’s not a joke: there really is a Canadian town named Dildo! You can hear a man sing it at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=4i62RnsIQHM
Here are more details about that town & song:
Dildo is a fishing town (population 29,000) on Canada’s Newfoundland Island. The water next to it is called Dildo Cove, which is part of the Atlantic Ocean, which also includes a Dildo Island (population 1200).
(Another Dildo Island, in the Florida Everglades, is named after its dildo cactus, which is shaped like a dildo.)
Canada’s Dildo Island was recorded by Captain Cook (unrelated to Peter Pan’s Captain Hook). He was a captain in the British navy and in 1763 was hired to make maps of the Newfoundland area. He gave each place a funny name, such as Tickle Bay, Witless Bay, Cuckolds Cove, Blow Me Down (when he encountered a storm), and Unfortunate Point (when he hurt his hand). When he started running out of food and got hungry, he named places Famish Gut and Pinchgut Point. But the names Dildo Island and Dildo town were invented before he arrived: Dildo Island got its name in 1711, probably because it’s shaped like a dildo.
Recently, most those Canadian places have been renamed to be less offensive, except for Dildo Island and Dildo town, which kept their names despite a guy going door-to-door to encourage inhabitants to change the names. The Dildo names remain because they’re funny and attract tourists.
Back in the 1700’s, “dildo” meant “a penis-shaped sex toy” but also “a penis-shaped part of a boat, holding the oar.” The word was originally spelled “dildoe” and “dil doul” and probably came from the words “diddle” and the Italian word “deletto” (which means “delight”).
In August 2019 on TV, Jimmy Kimmel talked about Canada’s Dildo town every night. He jokingly said he was running to be Dildo’s mayor (though Dildo is actually managed by a volunteer committee with no mayor), so Dildo made him honorary mayor. He declared Dildo to be Hollywood’s sister city, and he created a huge mountainside DILDO sign (imitating the HOLLYWOOD sign).
Butt plugs & beyond
A butt plug is a dildo you put in your butt. Don’t confuse it with a but plug, spelled with just one t. A but plug is an ad, like this:
You might think of buying from our competitor, but…
A butter plug is where you butter up your boss, to better your own situation, like this:
I think you’re a great boss! And since you’re so great, I’m sure you’ll do the great thing and give me a raise!
Magic lamp
There’s an old story of the poor black man who walked by a dumpster, saw a lamp, rubbed it, and met the genie, who offered 3 wishes. He said:
I want to be white, hard, and rub against a nice piece of ass every day!
So the genie turned him into a toilet seat.
He wasn’t happy, so the genie let him try again and gave him 4 wishes this time. He said:
I want to be hot, white, outta sight! — and completely surrounded by pussy.
So the genie turned him into a tampon.
Moral: if you’re trying to have a relationship, be careful — you might get what you requested but regret it.
Love laughs
Love can lead to disappointments and sorrow. Sometimes, you might even feel there’s no such thing as true love.
At those moments, remember that the world would be a better place if “love” was changed to “laugh.” Laughing often gives more pleasure than trying to love. In personals ads, women often say they seek a man with a good sense of humor. Instead of crying about a disappointing relationship, laugh at it.
Take bad advice about “love” and switch it to more accurate advice about “laughs”: just change the word “love” to “laugh,” then fix the grammar. Examples:
Meditations on “love” Meditations on“laughs”
Love makes the world go round. Laughs make the world go round.
Love is a many-splendored thing! Laughs are a many-splendored thing!
All you need is love, love! All you need is: laugh, laugh!
Let’s make love. Let’s make laughs.
Make love, not war! Make laughs, not war.
What the world needs now is love! What the world needs now is laughs!
I love to be helpful. I laugh, to be helpful.
I love to hear your voice. I laugh to hear your voice.
You’re the love of my life. You’re the laugh of my life.
I’m lonely, looking for love. I’m lonely, looking for laughs.
Looking for love in wrong places? Looking for laughs in wrong places?
It’s beautiful when you fall in love. It’s beautiful when you fall in laughs.
Cruise on the Love Boat. Cruise on the Laugh Boat.
It was love at first sight. It was laugh at first sight.
Be my lover! Be my laugher!
Feel my love. Feel my laugh.
I stared, lovingly. I stared, laughingly.
I want love before sex. I want laughs before sex.
Love can lead to marriage. Laughs can lead to marriage.
Children need unconditional love. Children need unconditional laughs.
Ah, wouldn’t it be lovely? Ah, wouldn’t it be laughingly?
I miss your love. I miss your laughs.
I love holidays! I laugh at holidays!
I love my job. I laugh at my job.
Love your family. Laugh at your family.
He swore he loved her madly. He swore. He laughed at her madly.
Anybody love me? Anybody care? Anybody laugh at me? Anybody care?
She loves you! Yeah, yeah, yeah! She laughs at you! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Your kids love you. Your kids laugh at you.
Your pet loves you. Your pet laughs at you.
God loves you. God laughs at you.
Love, love me, do! Laugh, laugh at me, do!
Love me tender, love me, do! Laugh at me tenderly, laugh at me, do!
What does love got to do with it? What do laughs got to do with it?
Courtney Love Courtney, laugh!
I love to wear gloves. I laugh to wear glaughs.
“Love” is a 4-letter word. “Laugh” isn’t a 4-letter word. Take 5.
Dial soap
I’m waiting to see this ad for Dial soap:
Hey, girl, wanna be so BEAUTIFUL you’ll get LAID?
Get DIAL, the only soap that’s LAID spelled backwards!
Types of sexuality
The words “homosexual” and “heterosexual” are boring and vague. For example, “heterosexual” doesn’t zero in on the different types of heterosexuality.
Use these terms instead, which are more precise:
Partners
unisexual just masturbates
bisexual attracted to both genders (men & women)
trisexual wants sex with all 3: men, women, and objects
omnisexual wants sex with all: self, other humans, objects, and animals
Intelligence
cerebrosexual attracted just to intellectuals
paleosexual attracted to cave men, dates just hunks
Scary
boosexual attracted to ghosts, goths, and macabre Halloween costumes
gerisexual attracted to older partners, helps the geriatric
Religious
ecclesisexual feels sexy just in church and when thinking of God
christosexual wants sex with Christians
yehudisexual wants sex with Jews
islamosexual wants sex with Muslims (who obey Islam)
hindisexual wants sex with Hindus (who speak Hindi)
Regional
hispanosexual wants sex with Hispanics
scandisexual wants sex with Scandinavians
sinosexual wants sex with Chinese
rainbowsexual wants sex with all races
Financial
midasexual dates just the wealthy
paupersexual dates just the downtrodden who can be taken advantage of
fiscasexual has sex just for pay
probonosexual usually gets paid for sex but sometimes offers it free
Strength of desire
nunsexual like a nun, has none
phobisexual afraid to have sex (has a phobia) but still considering it
ambivisexual ambivalent about whether to have sex
sensusexual prefers sensuality instead of just sex
despersexual desperate to have sex
Foreplay
psychosexual enjoys playing head games
alcosexual feels sexy just when drunk, fueled by alcohol
satasexual attracted to satanically naughty sex
Body parts
oralsexual uses mouth
mammosexual attracted just to big-breasted women
francosexual wants to French (use the tongue)
bootysexual attracted just to fascinating rears
graecosexual wants to do Greek (use the ass)
shlongosexual attracted just to men who have long shlongs
dermasexual prefers just to hold hands
Timing
nocturnosexual wants sex just at night, not during daylight
prestosexual has sex that’s quick
largosexual has sexual sessions that are long & slow-going
Style
pseudosexual good at faking it
canisexual wants doggy style, like a canine
hyenasexual laughs wildly when having sex
depressosexual wants sex but gets depressed when having it
Aftermath
somnisexual after sex, immediately falls asleep
exeuntsexual after sex, wants to exit from the relationship
vomisexual after sex, wants to vomit
asssexual after sex, acts like an ass
How many of those terms describe you? How many describe your partner?
After reading that list, English teachers should make kids invent more terms. That will inspire kids to learn Latin & Greek word roots. English analyst Lili Timmons said:
Yes, it will inspire students. It will inspire the most precocious to immediately become physicians specializing in cardiology, since parents will have heart attacks once this matter “comes” into play.
Boys wanting women
Young boys often fantasize about having sex with an adult woman, such as a teacher or celebrity. Here are fun videos about how that desire, if turned into a reality, would backfire.
Title Author Website
Stacy’s Mom Fountains of Wayne YouTube.com/watch?v=dZLfasMPOU4
The Librarian Saturday Night Live YouTube.com/watch?v=IrMTLV2cR2Q
The only one
The Internet has this tale:
I asked my wife, “Am I the only one you’ve been with?”
She replied, “Yes. All the others were nines or tens.”
AIDS
You can get AIDS in two popular ways. One way is to share needles with a drug addict. The other way is to have anal sex — because squeezing a penis into a rectum makes the rectum bleed — but American news media were afraid to say that, which is why AIDS spread and why Americans don’t realize you can’t easily get AIDS from vaginal sex.
But you can still get a sexually transmitted disease (STD) from vaginal sex, even oral sex (where you lick sex organs) and even just kissing. So be careful: use condoms when possible, and get STD checkups if you get sexy with different partners.
Surprising love song
The world’s most surprising love song was composed by 84-year-old Ray Jessel. Here are its lyrics:
What She’s Got
I met this girl. She’s just great.
This girl I just adore!
The problem is: she has much more
Than I had bargained for.
She’s got that style. She’s got that smile.
She’s got the walk. She’s got the talk.
She’s got that zing. There’s just one thing:
She’s got a penis.
She’s got that flair. Knows what to wear.
She’s got that face. That girl is grace.
She’s got pizzazz. Too bad she has
A penis.
There’s always some failure, always some flaw:
Ain’t that what they call “Murphy’s law”?
But little genitalia, that’s where I draw the line.
Besides, hers is bigger than mine.
My life’s a mess, ’cause under that dress
She’s got a pee ee en I ess.
Watch Ray go onstage, sing it, and surprise the judges:
YouTube.com/watch?v=UHHRpQpa_48
He died the next year.
Another of his surprising songs is Short-Term Memory Loss Blues, at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=MhsPYMdxxM4
Rocky Horror Picture Show
“The Rocky Horror Picture Show” is a famous dramatic film about an innocent couple whose car gets a flat tire, in a rainy night, so the couple knocks on the door of the nearest house, to use a phone, but doesn’t realize the house is run by an extreme transvestite and filled with his followers. Here’s the main song, Sweet Transvestite:
YouTube.com/watch?v=bc80tFJpTuo
Intersex
Most people are either male or female, but 1.7% of people are genetically in-between and called intersex. That’s the same percentage of people who have naturally red hair. Most people who are intersex either don’t know it or hide it.
For example, when Emily Quinn was a child, she thought she was female (because she looked, acted, and sounded like one); but when she was 10 years old, a gynecologist told her that hidden in her abdomen were testicles (male balls) instead of a uterus, and her chromosomes were XY (male) instead of XX, even though her body can’t process testosterone (male hormone). She can never have children. See her heartbreaking lecture about her difficulty as a child growing up, at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=28Ip-STEPKU
Men versus women
The battle of the sexes never ends.
Battling Web sites
Is it better to be a man or a woman?
Here’s why it’s better to be a guy:
You can kill your own food.
You can open all your own jars.
You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
Same work, more pay.
The same hairstyle lasts years, maybe decades.
One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You’re allowed to know names of just 5 colors.
You don’t have to shave below your neck.
You never have strap problems in public.
If you’re 34 and single, nobody notices.
Gray hair and wrinkles just add character.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You can visit a friend without having to bring a gift.
If someone forgets to invite you to an event, he or she can still be your friend.
If another guy at a party has the same outfit, you can still be lifelong friends.
Your pals never trap you with “So, notice anything different?”
You can watch games with a buddy for hours quietly, without thinking “He must be mad at me.”
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 45 minutes.
Those reasons were collected by James Gosling (who invented Java programming).
But women think men are disgusting:
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
What’s the most insensitive part of the penis? The man.
Why do men prefer showers to baths? They know peeing in the bath is disgusting.
Why do men chase women they won’t marry?
The same reason dogs chase cars they won’t drive.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. Men will screw anything.
Why did God give males millions of sperm?
Males won’t stop and ask for directions.
Men are like parking spots: the good ones are taken; what’s left is handicapped.
Men are like cement: after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like chocolate bars: sweet, smooth, and head right for your hips.
Those reasons were collected by Akane and Rei Hino; read more of their collection at:
reihime.tripod.com/jokes.htm
Dogs Women say men resemble dogs:
Both are fascinated with women’s crotches, like dominance games, take up too much space on the bed, fart shamelessly, are suspicious of the mailman, and have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Neither does any dishes, notices when you get your hair cut, or understands what you see in cats.
But women say dogs are slightly better than men, because dogs…
mean it when they kiss you, miss you when you’re gone, admit when they’re jealous, understand what “no” means, feel guilty when they’ve done something wrong, are very direct about wanting to go out, are easy to buy for, give you no worse social disease than fleas, don’t play games with you except fetch, don’t have problems expressing affection in public, and can be trained
Men say a dog is better than a woman, because a dog…
limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink, has parents who’ll never visit you, is happier to see you when you’re late, doesn’t shop, doesn’t get mad if you pet another dog, doesn’t care about previous dogs in your life, doesn’t expects you to phone, doesn’t expect flowers on Valentine’s Day, and doesn’t expect you to remember its birthday
Guns Men say guns are better than a woman, because…
You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you’re on the road.
Your primary gun doesn’t mind if you keep another gun for backup.
If you admire a friend’s gun, he’ll probably let you try it out a few times.
Guns function normally every day of the month.
A gun doesn’t mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
A gun doesn’t take up lots of closet space.
A gun doesn’t ask, “Do these new grips make me look fat?”
You can buy a silencer for a gun.
Battling bathrooms
This advice is written in women’s bathrooms:
The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open.
Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.
You’re too good for him.
Please don’t throw toothpicks in the toilet. Remember: crabs can pole vault!
This advice is written in men’s bathrooms:
Don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die.
Beauty is just a light switch away.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick of taking her shit.
Many people say the 4 biggest lies are:
“Black is beautiful.”
“The check is in the mail.”
“I’m from the government, and I’m here to help you.”
“Don’t worry, baby, I won’t cum in your mouth.”
Rejection one-liners
The Internet lists these clever ways for a woman to reject a man:
Male question Female response
Haven’t we met before? Yes, I’m the receptionist at the VD clinic.
Haven’t I seen you before? That’s why I don’t go there anymore.
What do you do for a living? I’m a female impersonator.
What sign were you born under? “Stop,” “Do not enter,” and “No parking.”
Is this seat empty? Yes, and mine will be too if you sit down.
I know how to please a woman. Then please leave me alone.
I can tell you want me. You’re so right! I want you… to leave.
Your place or mine? Both. You go to yours; I’ll go to mine.
May I see you pretty soon? Why? Don’t you think I’m pretty now?
Your body is like a temple. Sorry, there are no services today.
I want to give myself to you. Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.
I’d go to the world’s end for you. Yes, but would you stay there?
If I saw you naked, I’d die happy. If I saw you naked, I’d die laughing.
Longer chats:
He: I’d like to call you. What’s your number?
She: It’s in the phone book.
He: But I don’t know your name.
She: That’s in the phone book too.
He: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
She: Unfertilized.
Feminists are proud to not need men. Feminists like to quote Irina Dunn, who wrote in 1970 at Sydney University in Australia:
A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.
A variant, printed on a political button, says:
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
Irina borrowed the phrase “like a fish needs a bicycle” from earlier authors. Details are at:
www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/414150.html
On the other hand, Joel Stein (Time magazine’s comedian) wrote this confession:
Most guys don’t enjoy this girly stuff: reading & talking.
University of Michigan study
This news report appeared on the Internet:
A 10-year study at the University of Michigan has concluded that men and women complement each other because each gender has unique traits.
Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, hardships, and burdens but hold happiness, love, and joy. They smile when they want to scream, sing when they want to cry, laugh when nervous. They’re childcare workers, executives, stay-at-home moms, bikers, babes, and friendly neighbors. They fight for their beliefs, stand against injustice, and walk & talk the extra mile to get their kids good schools and get their families good healthcare. They’ll accompany a frightened friend to the doctor. They’re honest, loyal, and forgiving. Smart, they realize knowledge is power but can still use their softer side to make a point. They send letters and emails to show how much they care. They bring joy & hope, give compassion & ideals, and give moral support to their families & friends. All they want back is a hug and a smile.
Men are good at lifting heavy objects and killing bugs.
Medications for women
Doctors recommend women take these drugs:
Damnitol: take 2 tablets, and the rest of the world can go to hell for 8 hours.
Peptobimbo: when swallowed by a single woman before an evening out, this liquid silicone drink increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
Dumberol: this add-on to Peptobimbo lowers IQ further, resulting in enjoying country music and pickup trucks.
Menicillin: this anti-boy-otic increases an older woman’s resistance to lethal lines, such as “You make me want to be a better person — can we get naked now?”
Jackasspirin relieves headaches caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number.
Saint Momma’s Wort: this plant extract treats mom’s depression, by rendering preschoolers unconscious for 2 days.
Emptynestrogen: this suppository eliminates melancholy and loneliness, by reminding mom how her children had been awful teenagers and she couldn’t wait till they moved out.
Anti-talksident: spray this on irritating strangers too eager to share their life stories in elevators.
Nagament, when administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
Flipitor increases the life expectancy of commuters, by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Sulfa-denial: this female contraceptive technique, 100% effective and approved by the Catholic Church, consists of holding an aspirin tablet between the knees.
Trycoxagain: anti-depressant for lesbians.
Medications for men
If you’re a man whose penis isn’t getting an erection, doctors recommend you take a combination of these pills:
mycoxafloppin, mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, dixafix, and ibepokin
Instead of taking those pills, you can take Pepsi’s drink, called Mount & Do, which you can use as a mixer, to pour a stiff drink, called a highball and a cock tale.
Since more money’s being spent on breast implants and erection medications than on Alzheimer’s research, the Internet predicts that by 2025 the elderly will have perky boobs & erections but no memory of how to use them.
Fifi love
In 2004, San Francisco performed its first gay & lesbian marriages. Now same-sex marriages are offered in many states.
As a Democrat, I’m in favor of liberal causes and letting the gays & lesbians have their fun. But I wonder whether we’ll soon receive many letters like this:
I’m Janet Hegenberger, and I’d like to marry my dog, Fifi.
Though you might laugh at me, I’m serious. Fifi’s my life partner: we’ve been together constantly, ever since she first came into this world. We understand and love each other, more deeply than traditional couples. She understands me more than any man could. She’s always been my loving, faithful companion.
I’ve no desire to hurt the sanctity of anybody else’s marriage: I just want to express my love for Fifi. Aside from her, I’m a single old lady with no other friends. She means so much to me!
I’d like her to get full spousal benefits, as other spouses do. That’s fair! For example, I’d like her to be covered for doctor’s care (from her veterinarian); I’d like to file a joint tax return with her; and upon my death, I’d like her to inherit my estate automatically, without lots of paperwork.
Please stand up for animal rights! Fifi has feelings, too! A love between a woman and her poodle has no bounds! Let us marry, in peaceful, joyous harmony. Jesus would have wanted it that way.
This is not a sexual issue. I have no desire for sex with Fifi, and that’s biologically impossible anyway. I just want to hug her, and let her hug me, knowing we truly belong to each other — and mean more to each other than any Hitler-style “dog tag” could ever express.
Please, let love abound: let Fifi and me enter into the state of marital bliss. God loves us all! We’re all his creatures! Noah said all animals should enter God’s ship, two by two, united in love for our whole planet. Together, we shall overcome prejudice! Let “Earth Day” be more than just two words.
Yours truly,
Sister Janet Hegenberger,
Order of the Woofing Cross
How to score
If you’re a guy, here’s how to score points in the romance game, according to the anonymous Internet:
You gain points if you make the woman happy, lose points if you make her unhappy, and get no points for doing what she expects. Examples:
You make the bed (+1) but throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1) and forget to add the decorative pillows (-1).
When the toilet-paper roll runs out, you replace it (0) or resort to Kleenex (-1); and when the Kleenex runs out, you use the next bathroom (-2).
You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb (+1), but the truck’s just pulled away (-1).
You go out to buy her tampons (+5) in the snow (+8) but return with beer (-5) and no tampons (-25).
At night, you check out a suspicious noise (0), which turns out to be something (+5), which you pummel with a six iron (+10) until it turns out to be her father (-25) or her cat (-40).
At a party, you stay by her side (0) until you leave to chat with an old drinking buddy (-2) named Tiffany (-4) who’s a dancer (-10) with implants (-18).
When mingling with others, you hold her hand and gaze at her lovingly (+1) until you introduce her as “the ol’ ball and chain” and pat her rump (-5).
When she asks whether a hot-looking woman nearby is attractive, you say “Nowhere near as attractive as you” (+1) — or “Don’t worry, she’s lousy in bed” (-6) when that woman is her sister (-90).
You remember her birthday (0) and buy a card (0) and flowers (0). Then you take her out to dinner (+1), but it’s a sports bar (-3) with an all-you-can-eat night (-3), and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10).
You forget her birthday (-10) and your anniversary (-20).
You forget to pick her up at the bus station (-25), which is in the worst part of town (-35), and the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast (-50).
You give her a gift (0) that’s not a small appliance (+1) and not chocolate (+2). You’ll be paying it off for months (+30) using her credit card (-30). What you bought is two sizes too big (-40).
You go to the mall with her (+3), kindly drop her off at the entrance and park the car (+4), then jog to the sports bar (-9).
You visit her parents (+1) but just stare vacantly at their TV (-3), which is turned off (-6).
You go out for an evening with a guy (-5) who’s single (-7) and drives a Trans Am (-10) with a license plate saying GR8 NBED (-15). After some beers (-7), you drive home at 3AM (-20), smelling of booze and cheap cigars (-10) and not wearing any pants (-40). She asks, “Is that a tattoo?” (-200)
You take her to a movie she likes and you hate (+12) — or you take her to a movie you like (-2) called Death Cop III (-3), featuring cyborgs having sex (-9), after you said it would be a foreign film about orphans and sheepdogs (-15).
You develop a noticeable beer gut (-15); but instead of exercising, you wear loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30) and say “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-800)
On a trip, you lose the directions (-4), finally get lost (-10) in a bad part of town (-15), meet the locals up close and personal (-25), and she discovers you lied about having a black belt (-60).
When she asks “Do I look fat?” (-5), you hesitate (-10) then ask “Where?” (-35)
When she wants to talk about a problem, you look concerned (0) and listen (0) for more than 30 minutes (+5) without glancing at the TV (+5), but your mind wanders to last weekend’s game until you hear her ask, “Well, what do you think I should do?” (-100) or you fall asleep (-200).
When it’s her time of the month, you can talk (-100) or don’t talk (-150), spend time with her (-200) or don’t spend time with her (-500), until she sees you’re enjoying yourself (game over — you lose).
Male laments
Life isn’t fair.
If a woman gets undressed in
her room while leaving her shades open,
and a man peeks at her, the man gets arrested for being a Peeping Tom.
If a man gets undressed in
his room while leaving his shades open,
and a woman peeks at him, the man gets arrested for being an exhibitionist.
Adam & Eve Here’s the lost paragraph from the Bible’s Book of Genesis, as reported on the Internet:
God asked Adam, “What’s wrong?” Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk with. God said He’d make Adam a companion and it would be a woman.
God said, “This person will gather food for you. When you discover clothing, she’ll wash it for you. She’ll agree with all your decisions. She’ll bear your babies and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to care for them. She won’t nag you. When you disagree with her, she’ll always admit she was wrong. She’ll never have a headache, and she’ll freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.”
Adam asked God, “What will a woman like that cost?” God replied, “An arm and a leg.”
Adam asked, “What can I get for a rib?” And the rest is history.
Peach If a man likes a woman, he calls her a “peach.” If a man dislikes a woman, he calls her the same thing but secretly pronounces the “p” as “b”: a “biiiiiiitch!”
Happiest days of marriage According to the Guy Q book, couples fight the most on Wednesday (because it’s in the middle of the week, far from weekends) and fight the least on Thursday (because on Thursday they look forward to Friday fun).
But some couples don’t fit that schedule. One of my friends said:
I’ve been married 28 years. My wife’s given me the happiest 20 years of my life.
We asked him:
Which were the unhappy times — the first 8 years, or the last 8?
He answered:
The weekends!
On weekdays, he’s happily at work and doesn’t have to face his wife; but “28 years of weekends” is as many torture days as 8 years of straight torture.
Rodney Dangerfield said:
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
Frank Sinatra expressed a similar thought in the 1957 movie “The Joker Is Wild,” when he said:
A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late.
Probably that line was invented by the movie’s screenwriter or Joe E. Lewis (the comedian the movie was about) or Henny Youngman (who had a similar sense of humor).
Quotes on marital difficulties
Joan Crawford said:
Love is a fire. But whether it’s going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.
Helen Rowland said:
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues. When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. Before marriage, a man declares he’d lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve’s been removed.
Katharine Hepburn said:
Life is hard. After all, it kills you. Love has nothing to do with what you’re expecting to get, just what you’re expecting to give, which is everything.
If you want to give up the admiration of thousands of men for the disdain of one, go ahead, get married.
Sometimes I wonder whether men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
Rita Rudner said:
I love being married: it’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Before I met my husband, I’d never fallen in love, though I’d stepped in it a few times. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
Actress Zsa Zsa Gabor had 9 husbands and said:
Marriage is too interesting to be experienced just once.
I believe in large families. Every girl should have at least 3 husbands.
I’m a marvelous housekeeper: every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
A man is incomplete until he’s married. After that, he’s finished.
I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.
I know nothing about sex, because I was always married.
Husbands are like fires: they go out if unattended.
H.L. Mencken said:
Men have a better time than women, because men marry later and die earlier.
No matter how happily a woman is married, she’s always pleased to discover a nice man who wishes she weren’t.
Mignon McLaughlin summarized it all by saying:
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
Marriage can feel like a jail sentence. George Carlin said:
In English, the shortest sentence is “I am.” The longest is “I do.”
But Socrates recommended that men marry anyway. He said:
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
“Today’s Chuckle” (by Tom & Harlan Collins) agrees:
Every man should get married. Then he won’t have to blame everything on the government.
“Madame de Staël” (whose birth name was Anne Louise Germaine Necker and whose legal married name was Anne Louise Germaine de Staël-Holstein) was born in Paris in 1766 and dished out these comments about the men & women of her era:
The more I see of men, the more I like dogs.
Love is the whole history of a woman’s life. It’s but an episode in a man’s.
The man’s desire is for the woman, but the woman’s desire is for the man’s desire.
Men err from selfishness; women because they’re weak.
A man must know how to fly in the face of opinion; a woman to submit to it.
We cease loving ourselves if no one loves us.
In life, one must choose between boredom and suffering.
Love is a symbol of eternity: it wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end.
Dating is easy; marriage is hard. Dating is pleasant; marriage is stressful. When dating, if an evening gets tiring, you can just kiss each other goodnight and split up awhile; when married, you’re obliged to stay there through good times & bad. When dating and it no longer works, you say goodbye; when married and it no longer works, you go to court. HuffPost & Yahoo collected these examples, submitted by various people as tweets:
He changes
Dating: To fart, he goes to the bathroom.
Married: He farts in bed.
Dating: He holds it in.
Married: He answers with a fart.
Dating: He texts her about sex & fun date ideas.
Married: He texts her about breakfast-cereal iron content.
Dating: His text says, “Send me a pic.”
Married: His text says, “Send me a pic of the tile you like.”
Dating: He texts her, “What are you wearing?”
Married: He texts her, “Did the dog poop?”
Dating: He provides dinner, compliments, attentive conversation, foreplay.
Married: He says, “When I’m out of the bathroom, let’s get naked.”
Dating: He says, “Take you to a high-end steakhouse, baby!”
Married: He takes you to Mickey D’s and, if you’re lucky, some Dairy Queen.
Dating: He asks, “Wanna go to the bar?”
Married: He asks, “Can I go to the bar?”
Dating: He says, “It’s cute you don’t eat all the chicken off a wing.”
Married: He says, “There’s like $1.75 worth of chicken left on those bones!”
Dating: He says, “It’s so cute you never know where your keys are!”
Married: He says, “The key hook is right here. Use it! You’re killing me.”
She changes
Dating: During sex, she’s sensual, totally in the moment, likes it.
Married: During sex, she asks, “Did you remember to remove the laundry?”
Dating: During sex, she says “Oh!”
Married: During sex, she asks, “Almost done? I must work tomorrow.”
Dating: When he buys her gifts & flowers, she loves it.
Married: When he buys her gifts & flowers, she asks what it costs.
Dating: She holds his hand.
Married: She walks 5 feet in front of him and yells he parked too far away.
Dating: She gets an “I love you” text and thinks it’s endearing.
Married: She gets an “I love you” text and wonders why he feels guilty.
Dating: She says, “We finish each other’s sentences!”
Married: She says, “Stop interrupting me.”
Dating: She gives sensual massage with lotion, for an hour.
Married: 1 hand, mostly knuckles, during commercials, just on birthday.
Dating: She says, “A thousand lifetimes with you wouldn’t be enough!”
Married: She says, “OMG, you’re the loudest cereal chewer on earth!”
Dating: She says, “Can’t wait to see you soon. I bought new panties.”
Married: She says, “OMG, the kitchen smells like ass! Any idea why?”
Dating: She says, “I could never stay mad at you.”
Married: Silent glares for 3 weeks, because of fight about laundry basket.
Dating: She hopes he notices her new dress.
Married: She asks, “Anyone else notice the hair all over the bathroom?”
Dating: She asks, “Wanna try and make a baby and not succeed?”
Married: She asks, “Why did we succeed in making babies?”
Here are more comments:
Comment Author
Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage. Ambrose Bierce
Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy. F. Rochefoucauld
Some women get all excited about nothing, then marry him. Cher
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. Benjamin Franklin
Marriage is like a hot bath: once you get used to it, it’s not so hot. Justin Thyme
Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution. Mae West
Marriage is a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two. Ambrose Bierce
It destroys one’s nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. Benjamin Disraeli
All tragedies are finished by a death. All comedies are ended by a marriage. Lord Byron
Marriage is like a cage: birds outside it despair to enter, and birds within, to escape. Michel de Montaigne
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. Then it was too late. Max Kauffman
All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble. Raymond Hull
Marry in the morning, so if it doesn’t work out you haven’t wasted a whole day. Mickey Rooney
“A man will always be prideful of his son until the son acts up. Then it’s the wife’s fault.” — Dolly Parton
“Why worry whom to marry? Choose whom you may, you’ll find you’ve got somebody else.” — John Hay
“Why does a woman work 10 years to change a man’s habits then complain he’s not the man she married?” — Barbra Streisand
“Fairy tales always end in marriage because nobody wants to see what comes after: plodding on, year after year, with that same old soul. Yawnsville.” — Belinda Luscombe in Time magazine’s 6/13/2016 issue
“Marriage is like a pair of scissors: joined so they can’t be separated, and often moving in opposite directions, but always punishing anyone who comes between them.” — Sydney Smith
Here’s advice for men:
“Marry a woman whom you’d choose as a friend if she were a man.” — Joseph Joubert
“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” — Socrates
“It’s harder to be a husband than a lover because it’s harder to be witty every day than produce the occasional bon mot.” — Honoré de Balzac
“You need just 2 things to keep your wife happy. The first is to let her think she’s having her own way. The other is let her have it.” — Lyndon B. Johnson
The Internet provides these anonymous quotes:
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.
Marriage is like a violin: after the music’s over, you still have the strings.
Marriage is a romantic story, where the hero dies in the first chapter.
Marriage isn’t a word: it’s a sentence.
The longest sentence in the English language is “I do.”
Marriage is the only sport where the trapped animals have to buy the license.
Marriage is like a mousetrap: those outside are trying to get in; those inside are trying to get out.
When a couple marries, she expects he’ll change, but he won’t; he expects she won’t change, but she will.
If your husband and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or a movie?
According to the Internet, times change:
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Marriage is a card game.
To begin, all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
Joel Stein (Time magazine’s cynical columnist) said:
Marriage isn’t about happiness. It’s about winning.
That’s true in more ways than Joel realizes. Here’s my analysis:
First you find somebody to marry. That’s a competition. When you finally win that special someone who says “yes,” you throw a victory party, called a “wedding,” where all your friends come to celebrate and cheer your team.
For the next several years, you fight your spouse and try to win each argument. Arguments gradually increase from “who takes out the garbage” to “whose advice is garbage” to “whose beliefs are garbage” to “whose morals are garbage” to “who is garbage,” with increasing wins & losses.
Finally, you get divorced (and try to win alimony) or one of you dies (and the survivor wins the inheritance).
Here’s my version of a similar thought, based on what was printed in the Union Leader newspaper, apparently copied from Harlan Collins’ Today’s Chuckle:
Falling in love is an educational experience, like high school.
It starts as sports practice (a game where you run to the other person, then away, then back again).
Then it becomes a chemistry experiment (where you “mix” with the other person to enjoy the reaction).
Finally, you suffer through home economics (where you share a home and argue about its budget).
Then you can switch to a new school (get “divorced” and start the whole cycle all over again).
Songs
The song Marry A Woman Uglier Than You has this message:
If you’re a man trying to find a woman to marry, you could be appreciated more by an ugly woman than a pretty one, so the ugly woman could give you more happiness.
Here are the song’s lyrics (cleaned up by me):
Want to be happy, live a king’s life?
Don’t make a pretty woman your wife!
Soon as she marries, then she will start
Doing bad things that break up your heart.
Just when you think, wow, she’s just for you,
She will call someone else her love true.
So from my personal point of view,
Marry a woman more ugly than you!
Just make an ugly woman your wife:
You will be happy, rest of your life!
She wouldn’t diss you. No, not at all,
Not show her bod to Peter and Paul.
She wouldn’t act in such a strange way
Just to give neighbors something to say.
So from a logical point of view,
Marry a woman more ugly than you!
It was a calypso recorded in 1934 by the “Duke of Iron” (whose real name was Cecil Anderson, from Trinidad).
Relationships come and go. After they’ve gone, we still mull
on their memories, as expressed in the 1908 song,
I Wonder Who’s Kissing Her Now, with lyrics by Will Hough & Frank
Adams. Here’s my revised version:
You loved lots of girls in the sweet long-ago,
And each has meant heaven to you.
You vowed your affection to each one in turn
And sworn to them all: you’d be true!
You kissed ’neath the moon while the world seemed in tune,
Then left her, to hunt a new game;
But has it occurred to you later, my boy,
She’s probably doing the same?
I wonder who’s kissing her now,
Wonder who’s teaching her how,
Wonder who looks in her eyes,
Breathing sighs, telling lies.
Loves of today soon pass away,
Leave with a smile and a tear.
No, you can’t know who is kissing her now
Or whom you’ll be kissing next year.
Dream about kissing her now.
Dream about teaching her how.
Dream it and cry. Give one last sigh.
Wonder who’s kissing her now.
In 1969, Dionne Warwick sang
I’ll Never Fall in Love Again (with words by Hal David, music by Burt
Bacharach). Here’s my abridged version:
What do you get when you fall in love?
A guy with a pin to burst your bubble.
That’s what you get for all your trouble.
I’ll never fall in love again.
What do you get when you kiss a guy?
You get enough germs to catch pneumonia,
Then he’ll never phone ya.
I’ll never fall in love again.
Don’t tell me what it’s all about,
’Cause I’ve been there and glad I’m out,
Out of those chains that bind you!
I remind you:
What do you get when you fall in love?
Just a life of pain & sorrow.
So at least until tomorrow
I’ll never fall in love again.
Hear the full original at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=FzQBOBoPg04
Tim Hawkins wrote a song called Things You Don’t Say To Your Wife. Here’s my cleaned-up version:
“Hey, honey, have you gained
Some weight in your rear end?
That dress you wear reminds
Me of my old girlfriend.
And where’d you get those shoes?
I think they’re pretty lame.
Would you stop talking? ’Cause
I want to watch the game.”
If you’re a man who wants
A long and happy life,
Those are things you don’t say to your wife.
“I planned a hunting trip
Next week on your birthday.
I didn’t ask you, ’cause
I knew it was okay.
Go make some dinner, while
I watch this fishing show.
I taped it over our
Old wedding video.”
If you’re a man who wants
A long and happy life,
Those are things you don’t say to your wife.
“Your cooking is okay
But not like mom would make.
The diamond in the ring
I bought you is a fake.
Your eyes look puffy, dear.
Perhaps you’re feeling ill?
Happy anniversary!
I bought you a treadmill.”
If you’re a man who doesn’t want
To get killed with a knife,
Those are things you don’t say to your wife.
See him sing the original at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=XpFD-kgQxnI
30 ways to talk
Julia Malacoff chatted with marriage therapists and compiled a list of 30 ways a man should talk to his wife (or girlfriend) to make her happy.
Here’s my summary of that list; I’ve rearranged it into categories:
Praise her appearance & sexiness
You look amazing.
I love how you look without makeup.
You’re so sexy.
Last night was incredible.
No, you don’t look fat.
Wow, that guy was checking you out!
Praise the rest of who she is
You know what I love about you?...
One of your best qualities is…
Your work is so important.
Thanks for taking care of that.
Show empathy for her
I’m sorry that happened to you.
I respect you because…
Say she’s enjoyable to be with
I love you.
I love spending time with you.
I made plans for us for Saturday night.
You’re the only one for me.
Offer to help her
How can I support you?
What do you need from me?
We’re in this together.
I’ve got this.
Be honest & open
The truth is…
I’m feeling…
I feel I can tell you anything.
Try to understand her viewpoint
I don’t understand, but I’m going to try.
You’re right.
Can I get your perspective on this?
Let her talk
Tell me about your day.
What’s the most meaningful experience you’ve ever had?
If you want to talk, I’m here.
(And finally, #30: when she wishes, shut up!)
Nonsexist language
To avoid sexism, feminists insist “firemen” should be called “firefighters”; “policemen” should be called “police officers,” and “mailmen” should be called “mail carriers.” But to be consistent, change every “man” to “person,” like this:
Sexist Non-sexist (no “man”)
man person
salesman salesperson
fireman fireperson
mailman mailperson
con man con person
horseman horseperson
caveman caveperson
freshman freshperson
garbage man garbage person
con man con person
mankind personkind
manhole personhole
mango persongo
mandolin persondolin
maniac personiac
manure personure
many persony
manage personage
manager personager
manual personual
manicure personicure
mantle persontle
manners personners
Man, oh man! Person, oh person!
Man of La Mancha Person of La Personcha
Manhattan Personhattan
Manitoba Personitoba
Mandy Persondy
Mangia! Persongia!
Norman Norperson
Samantha Sapersontha
German Gerperson
Roman Roperson
romantic ropersontic
human huperson
woman woperson
salamander salapersonder
demand depersond
emancipate epersoncipate
Change “men” to “people”:
Sexist Non-sexist (no “men”)
men people
women wopeople
hymen hypeople
semen sepeople
amen apeople
congressmen congresspeople
Carmen Carpeople
mend peopled
mental peopletal
mentor peopletor
memento mepeopleto
menstrual peoplestrual
menstruate peoplestruate
menopause peopleopause
Mentos Peopletos
Mendel Peopledel
Mendelssohn Peopledelssohn
tremendous trepeopledous
cement cepeoplet
element elepeoplet
elementary elepeopletary
comment compeoplet
government governpeoplet
department departpeoplet
environment environpeoplet
excitement excitepeoplet
excrement excrepeoplet
management personagepeoplet
commandment compersondpeoplet
amendment apeopledpeoplet
commencement compeoplecepeoplet
engagement engagepeoplet
Change “he” to “that person”:
Sexist Non-sexist (no “he”)
he that person
hero that personro
helicopter that personlicopter
herring that personrring
hear that personar
heaven that personaven
hell that personll
he-man that person-person
Change “his” to “that person’s own”:
Sexist Non-sexist (no “his”)
his that person’s own
history that person’s owntory
All those changes are recommended by our Human Resources Department. Sorry, I mean “Huperson Resources Departpeoplet.”