Stop talking, I'm out of asprin.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.
I've had it with reality. Now I want a fairy godmother.
The proctologist called. They found your head.
I heard everything you said except for what you're talking about.
Reality continues to ruin my life.
People who snore always fall asleep first.
I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you.
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.
Have you ever noticed anyone going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
All good things in life are either immoral, fattening, or overpriced.
There are two times I feel stress-- day and night.
What can you expect from a day that starts with waking up?
Oh dear! Looks like you fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down!
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Never wear anything that panics the cat.
There is no gravity. The earth just sucks.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
When you are mathematically wrong, try multiplying by the page number.
Three out of five people aren't the other two.
People who think they're perfect are very annoying to those of us who really are.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Onion ring to rule them all, onion ring to bind them.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
Why not have your cake and eat it too - it's cake, what else are you going to do with it?
I doubt therefore I might be.
Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored.
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
To kiss a fool is bad. To let a kiss fool you is even worse.
Tofu - the other white meat substitute. (Just ask Joyce!)
Today's subliminal thought is:
The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less.
Did you know that if all the smokers were laid end to end around the world, three quarters of them would drown?
Dyslexic man sells soul to Santa... Film at 11.
No thanks, I've already got a penguin.
No one suspects the butterfly.
This is the nineties, you don't just go around punching people. You have to say something cool first.
Nothing says friendship like a bag of shaved weasels. Really.
I am a flying cow. Worship me or die.
Reality is for people who can't handle Star Trek.
Star trekkin' across the Universe, boldy going forward 'cuz we can't find reverse!
Borger King: Have it our way, your way is irrelevant.
How come I can never find Troi when I'm mad at her?
'Engsign, fire at will.' 'Ah, captain, I'd rather fire at Wesley!'
I break for hallucinations.
Reality is a figment of your hallucination.
Where are we going and what am I doing in this handbasket?
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
Ankh if you love Isis.
Practice creative road rage cursing: "May you drop that lit cigarette in your lap!"
If con is the opposite of pro, what's the opposite of progress?
Imagine, if you will, a world without hypothetical situations.
War doesn't determine who's right but who's left.
Today is the tomorrow you dreamed about yesterday.
Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant. The population is growing.
Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
When the cat's away there are fewer hairs on the armchair.
I'm right 90% of the time, so why worry about the other 3%?
"What if the dragon eats us?"..."That would alter our plans"
The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
Please note: If found unconscious, administer chocolate.
If you wait, it will go away.
Sects, sects, sects, is that all you monks think about?
They say that your teenage years are the best years of your life. I'm dreading to see how the rest of my life turns out.
If the mayonnaise smells funny, don't eat it.
In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality.
Normal hamsters are cute, but Giant Space Hamsters are cuter.
I embrace poverty! To annoy me, send money.
A day without sunshine is like.. night.
I'm not dead. I'm electroencephelographically challenged.
Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
Never anger a dragon, for you are crunchy and you go well with Brie.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Life is like a really bad hallucination.
"7 1/2 million years and all you can come up with is 42?" (Okay, so technically, maybe this one should go in quotes with a source, but I haven't found out yet *which* hitchhikers book it comes from, so if it's really in one, e-mail me and let me know)
All stressed out, and no one to choke...
Are you too gullible? We can cure you! Send $1,000 to...
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Fact of life #15: Heads bleed, walls don't.
Gross Ignorance: 144 times worse than ordinary ignorance.
He has the heart of a child. In a jar, on his bookshelf.
It is better to be silent and thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Captain! Someone has snorted all the Dilithium crystals!
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.
The truth is out there? Anyone know the URL?
A conscience doesn't prevent sin, it simply prevents you from enjoying it.
I'm nobody, nobody's perfect, therfore I'm perfect.
Get your mind out of the gutter! Grab mine while you're there, please.
Help, I've fallen and I can't... Hey, nice carpet!
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the net and he won't bother you for weeks.
Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
If I seem to give a damn, please tell me. I would hate to be giving the wrong impression.
Never send a monster to do the work of an evil genius.
Eat a live frog every morning and nothing worse will happen to you all day.
A pessimist is someone who has had to listen to too many optimists.
82.8% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Reality is good for you... in small doses.
An asylum for the sane would be empty in America.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll still land among the stars.
Life is too important to be taken seriously.
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
I used to be disgusted by the world, but now I'm just amused by it.
We the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much for so long with so little we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.
Talent does what it can. Genius does what it must. I do what I get paid for.
Why be difficult when with a little bit of effort you can be impossible?
There's this lost cause I believe in called myself.
I may not always be perfect, but I'm always me.
We've come a long way since the world was flat.
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.
Nothing is so simple it can't be screwed up.
Truth isn't always beauty, but the hunger for it is.
Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat, word for word, what you dhouldn't have said.
Help me to resist temptation, Lord, especially when I know no one is looking.
When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they're not it.
Happiness is just an illusion cause by the temporary absence of reality.
They were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Naturally they became heroes.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box crashed ... Oh, wait a minute, he already does.
Loving someone can be the most beautiful thing in the world. Remembering loving someone can be the most destructive.
Who do you turn to when the only person in the world who can stop you from crying is the exact person making you cry?
You know you really love someone when you want them to be happy even if their happiness means that you're not a part of it.
A rock --> me <-- A hard place
A pessimist counting his blessings: 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ...
Above all else: Sky.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Federal Expresso: When you absolutely, positively have to stay up all night.
There's a typo in this sentence, but it slides away when your eyes move toward it.
A friend in need is a friend indeed, but a friend with weed is better.
There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who are good with words, and those who are.. erm.. thingy.
Sheep don't fly so much as plummet.
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
A morning without coffee is like something without something else.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Somedays it's just not worth chewing through the restraints...
I can bend minds with my spoon.
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
If World War III is fought with nuclear weapons, World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
PMS is something that makes a woman act once a month like a man acts every day.
America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
What is my loftiest ambition? I've always wanted to throw an egg at an electric fan.
Make something idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Adam was a rough draft.
A life? From which board can I download that?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)oss computer across room?
Ah'm Bubba of Borg. Y'all fixin' to be assimilated.
All right, who's been cooking hot dogs in the Warp Drive?
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Aw, Mom! You act like I'm not even wearing a bungee cord!
BorgFORMAT C:? (Y/y) Resistance is futile...
Blessed are the pessimists, for they hath made backups.
"Daddy, what does Formatting Drive C mean?"
Data Compression: What you get when you squish an android.
Dogs come when you call. You come when cats call.
Dwarf fortune teller escapes: small medium at large.
Error: Keyboard driver not found. Press F1 to continue.
Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked.
He's dead, Jim. You take his phaser; I get his wallet.
HIGH SCORE: 5,023,952 YOUR SCORE: 14
"Bother," said Pooh, "Eeyore, ready two photon torpedoes and lock phasers on the Heffalump. Piglet, meet me in transporter room three. Christopher Robin, you have the bridge."
Fate protects fools, little children, and ships named Enterprise. (anyone know if this was actually in a trek movie? my brain's insisting it was..)
Look! Look! I've got a life! Oh. Sorry. Just an old sock I found.
We really don't have enemies. It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on icy pavement.
Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it.
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
Heck was created for those who refuse to believe in Gosh.
Don't judge a book by its movie.
Tourists are terrorists with cameras.
We are Microsoft. You will all be assimilated. Resistance is futile.
Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.
After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.
Pain: A cat licking your sunburn.
A good way to deal with a crisis is to relax, take a deep breath, and act like some kind of deranged chicken.
'Tag' is a complicated game involving many complexities. Someone must first be 'It', and this temporary pariah attemps to tag someone else, using stealth, speed, resourcefulness and predatory instincts to transfer his or her 'It-ness' to the other person. You may only tag someone with your hand. If someone who is 'It' tags you, then you become 'It' and they are free to return to normalcy. You may not transfer your 'It-ness' back to the person who was just 'It', because there are no 'tag-backs'. The only way to lose is if you're one of the last two people on earth and are tagged by the other person. However, it is conceivable to procreate with this person and tag the offspring to keep this game alive.
People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered. Love them anyway. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Do good anyway. If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway. The kindness you show today will be forgotten tomorrow. Be kind anyway. Honesty and frankness will make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway. The biggest person with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest person with the smallest mind. Think big anyway. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway. People really need help, but may attack you if you help them. Help people anyway. Give the world the best you've got, and you might get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You laugh because I'm different...I laugh because you are all the same.
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