If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. - Henny Youngman
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. - Charlie McCarthy
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone else he can blame it on. - Robert Bloch
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target. - Ashleigh Brilliant
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." - Jake Jokanson
The problem is, or rather one of the problems, for there are many, a sizable number of which are continually clogging up the civil, commercial, and criminal courts on all areas of the Galaxy and especially, where possible, the more corrupt ones, this.
The previous sentence makes sense. That is not the problem.
This is:
Change.
Read through it again and you'll get it. - Douglas Adams, "So Long And Thanks For All The Fish"
I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones. - The Doctor, Timewyrm: Genesys (by John Peel)
Yea, though I walk through the valley of death I will fear no evil, for I am the meanest son of a bitch in the valley. - Joel Rosenberg, "The Silver Crown"
"The dead have risen and they're voting Republican!" Bart, The Simpsons
I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts. - John Steinbeck
"Silly customer, you cannot hurt a twinkie!" - Apu, The Simpsons
What happens if a big asteroid hits the Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad. - Dave Barry
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone. - Jack Handy
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. - Ashleigh Brilliant
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. It is in such twilight that we all must be aware of change in the air -however slight- lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness. - W. O. Douglas
Humanity today is not safe in the presence of humanity. The old cannibalism has given way to anonymous action in which the killer and the killed do not know each other, and in which, indeed, the very fact of mass death had the effect of making mass killing less reprehensible than the death of a single individual. In short, we have evolved in every respect except our ability to protect ourselves against human intelligence. Our knowledge is vast but does not embrace the workings of peace... We study history, philosophy, religions, languages, literature, art, architecture, political science... anthropology, biology, medicine, psychology, sanitation... chemistry, physics, engineering, mathematics. But we have yet to make peace basic to out education. The most important subject in the world is hardly taught at all. - Norman Cousins
Crazy people who are productive are geniuses. Crazy people who are rich are eccentric. Crazy people who are neither productive or rich are just plain crazy. Geniuses and crazy people are both out in the middle of a deep ocean; geniuses swim, crazy people drown. Most of us are sitting safely on the shore. Take a chance and get your feet wet. - Michael J. Gelb
I love, I lie, I am only a human. This is my life, no tresspassing. Please. - The Lord Greycloak of Raven's Hill
The preamble of the Constitution states: "We, the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestice tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general welfare..." It doesn't say "guarantee the general welfare." And it certainly doesn't say "give welfare benefits to all the people in the country who aren't doing so well even if the readon they aren't doing so well is because they're sitting on their butts in front of the TV. - P.J. O'Rourke
I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems doesn't rhyme and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity. - Gilda Radner
And the little girl had approached the bed no nearer than thirty feet when she pullet out a pistol and shot the wolf dead; for even in a cap and nightgown a wolf looks no more like your grandmother than Calvin Coolidge looks like the Metro-Goldwyn lion. Moral: Little girls are not so easy to fool nowadays as they used to be. - James Thurber, in a revision of Little Red Riding Hood
However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea. - Tom K. Ryan
These are bagpipes. I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equaled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig. - Alfred Hitchcock
There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe is for it will disappear and be replace by something more bizzarly inexplicable."
There is another theory that states: "This has already happened." - Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
Imagination is the one weapon in the war agaisnt reality. - Jules de Gaultier
That's the great advantage of making the same mistake a lot of times. You come to know it, and you can study it and get inside it, really make it yours. It's the same good old mistake, except this time the.. hang-up is different. But it's the same old thing. - Peter S. Beagle, "Lila the Werewolf"
Remember that the most beautiful things in the world are the most useless; peacocks and lilies, for example. - John Ruskin, "The Stones of Venice, I"
I don't believe in an afterlife, so I don't have to spend my whole life fearing hell, or fearing heaven even more. For whatever the tortures of hell, I think the boredom of heaven would be even worse. - Isaac Asimov
I wouldn't mind dying -- it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me. - R. Geis
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. - Ashleigh Brilliant
I like the word 'indolence'. It makes my laziness seem classy. - Bern Williams
I'm a simple man. All I want is enough sleep for two normal men, enough whiskey for three, and enough women for four. - Joel Rosenberg, "The Warrior Lives"
I have learned silence from the talkative, tolerance from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers. - Kahlil Gibran
He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever. - Old Chinese saying
Character is what you are in the dark. - Lord John Whorfin
Seven days without laughter makes one weak. - Mort Walker
I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way. - Franklin P. Adams
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. - Groucho Marx
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. - Lily Tomlin
If you look deeply enough into any person's soul, you can see the emu within them struggling to get out. Actually, most people don't have emus in their soul. Just me. - Invisible Dave, Lady of Emus. (Hey, I have an emu in me!)
I have a very bad feeling about this. - Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, Han Solo, C3PO
If you're going to go through hell... I suggest you come back learning something. - Drew Barrymore
"Captain's log: A bunch of our ship fell off, and nobody likes me." - Crow T. Robot, MST3K: the Movie
Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him helpless. - Monty Python
"SPOOOOOOON!" - the Tick
640 Kilobytes of computer memory ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates, 1981
"Oh, well. She's dead. Let's move on, shall we?" - Willy Wonka
"Well, I, for one, am very excited about this. I can feel myself getting into the modelling spirit... may I be excused? I'd like to go to the girls' room and vomit up breakfast." - Jane (from Daria)
Christians are generally creepy people as a direct result of the dysfunctional dynamic of worshipping a dead naked hippie. - Jim Marcus
Imagination is more important than knowledge. - Albert Einstein
The clinching proof of my reasoning is that I will cut anyone who argues further into dogmeat. - Sir Geoffery de Tourneville
"Shut up, Wesley!" - Picard and Crusher
Tourist, Rincewind decided, meant "idiot". - Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic"
Life beats down and crushes the soul and art reminds you that you have one. - Stella Adler
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. - Nathaniel Borenstein
If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year killing everyone inside. - Robert Cringely
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees. - J.J. Furnas
It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time. - Tallulah Bankhead
"I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again." - Bart, the Simpsons
It's not peace I want, not mere contentment. It's boundless joy and ecstasy for me. - Kugell
Isn't it strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously. - Cincinnati Enquirer
The trick is to stop thinking it as 'your' money. - IRS auditor
Try not to have a good time.. this is supposed to be educational. - Charles Schulz
"Careful. We don't want to learn from this." - Calvin, Calvin & Hobbes
"Hey, I may be a cold-blooded jelly doughnut, but my timing is impeccable." - Oz, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
An egotist is a person of low taste - more interested in himself than in me. - Ambrose Bierce
What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies. - Aristotle
When you have once seen the glow of happiness on the face of a beloved person, you know that a man can have no vocation but to awaken that light on the faces surrounding him. - Albert Camus
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. - Winston Churchill
One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say. - Will Durant.
Humor is a universal language. - Joel Goodman
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. - Woody Allen
Imagination is more important than knowledge. - Albert Einstein
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it -- and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit on a hot stove lid again -- and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore. - Mark Twain
Any society that needs disclaimers has too many lawyers. - Erik Pepke
Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive. - Bugs Bunny
"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic." - Lewis Carroll
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable man persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. - George Bernard Shaw
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. - Charlie Brown
Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great. - Comte DeBussy-Rabutin
Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less. - Rabbi Julins Gordon
...it is certain that the real function of art is to increase our self-consciousness; to make us more aware of what we are, and therefore of what the universe in which we live really is. And since mathematics, in its own way, also performs this function, it is not only aesthetically charming but profoundly significant. It is an art, and a great art. - John W.N. Sullivan
Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open. - Thomas Dewar
Whenever books are burned men also in the end are burned. - Heinrich Heine
"There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes." - Dr. Who
Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity. - Frank Leahy
"My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." - Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride
Those who do not read are no better off than those who cannot. - Chinese Proverb
"Who would have thought that this eclectic group of voyagers could actually become a family. Starfleet, Maquis, Klingon, Talaxian, hologram, Borg... even Mr. Paris." - the Doctor, Star Trek: Voyager
"It's insane to think that you can choose your sexuality. That it's a lifestyle. I like to ski. I do it whenever I can. That is a lifestyle. The idea that you can choose who you love seems rediculous to me. It just happens." -- Darren Hayes
"The verses don't make any sense." -- A.J. McLean on the lyrical content of "I Want It That Way"
"He's very pretty. Maybe that's why he's so paranoid." -- Boy George on Eminem's alleged homophobia.
I have been inexpedient throughout... I am thought trashy and a little mad. I have been reckless and and arrogant. I have been silly. I must recapture my reputation. I must be cautious and more serious. I must not try to do so much, and must endeavor to do what I do with greater application. I must avoid the superficial. Yet, in spite of all this - what fun life is! -- Sir Harold Nicolson
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned. -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
The absent are always wrong. -- English proverb
When you're safe at home you wish you were having an adventure; when you're having an adventure you wish you were safe at home. -- Thornton Wilder
In prosperity our friends know us; in adversity we know our friends. -- J. Churton Collins
When it is dark enough, men see the stars. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Bloody noses are great teachers. - Joseph McKinney.
"So, Lonestar, now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb." - Dark Helmet, 'Spaceballs'
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. - Ellen Parr
"I'll complain if I want to. It's comforting." - The Doctor, Star Trek: Voyager
"A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water." - Eleanor Roosevelt
the earth laughs in flowers. - e.e. cummings
"Chocolate is a serious thing." - Deanna Troi, Star Trek: TNG
"Any day you wake up and the ground isn't shaking is a good day." - C.C. Deville
"The birth of every new baby is God's vote of confidence in the future of man." - Imogene Fey
"We all have a past. What matters is now." - Tom Paris, Star Trek: Voyager.
"Men do not roar. Women roar. Then they hurl heavy objects. And claw at you."
"What does the man do?"
"He reads love poetry. He ducks a lot." - Worf and Wesley on Klingon mating rituals.
"Nothing's impossible if you want it badly enough." - B'Elanna Torres, Star Trek: Voyager
"Dismissed. That's the Starfleet expression for 'get out.'" - Janeway, Star Trek: Voyager
"I'm usually in the hotel watching the pay-per-view movie for the third time. It's a thrill a minute with us." - Dave Matthews on touring
"This is au naturale. I was born with dreds." - Chris Kirkpatrick
"By the way, if I hadn't pulled the plug? I'd be over at her place right now, doing Jell-o shots watching her please me." - Casey, Sports Night
"It's a higher power trying to tell me through bunnies that we're all going to die!" - Anya, Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
"I confess that I covet your skull." - Hound of the Baskervilles, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.
"The high water mark was when I was mistaken for a Backstreet Boy. Is there a Backstreet Boy I look like?"
"Yeah."
"Which one?"
"That... guy." -- Danny and Jeremy, Sports Night
"I hated the teen movies where the object is to lose virginity and the ugly girl is beautiful once she takes her glasses off." -- screenwriter John August
"Dad, I think I need some fresh air. Can I go to the park?"
"Do I have to sit up?"
"No."
"Knock yourself out" -- Bart and Homer, The Simpsons
"It's illegal to be vaguely gay?" -- Danny, Sports Night
"Well, he's kind of had it in for me since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace 'accidentally' with 'repeatedly' and replace 'dog' with 'son.'" -- Lionel Hutz, The Simpsons
"History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives." -- Abba Eban
"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." -- Lynn Lavner
"I can believe things that are true and I can believe things that aren't true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they're true or not. I can believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and Marilyn Monroe and the Beatles and Elvis and Mister Ed. Listen - I believe that people are perfectible, that knowledge is infinite, that the world is run by secret banking cartels and is visited by aliens on a regular basis, nice ones that look like wrinkledy lemurs and bad ones who mutilate cattle and want our water and our women. I believe that the future sucks and I believe that the future rocks and I believe that one day White Buffalo Woman is going to come back and kick everyone's ass. I believe that all men are just overgrown boys with deep problems communicating and that the decline in sex in America in coincident with the decline in drive-in movie theaters from state to state. I believe that all politicians are unprincipled crooks and I still believe that they are better than the alternative. I believe that California is going to sink into the sea when the big one comes, while Florida is going to dissolve into madness and alligators and toxic waste. I believe that antibacterial soap is destroying our resistance to dirt and disease so that one day we'll all be wiped out by the common cold like the Martians in War of the Worlds. I believe that the greatest poets of the last century were Edith Sitwell and Don Marquis, that jade is dried dragon sperm, and that thousands of years ago in a former life I was a one-armed Siberian shaman. I believe that mankind's destiny lies in the stars. I believe that candy really did taste better when I was a kid, that it's aerodynamically impossible for a bumblebee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there's a cat in a box somewhere who's alive and dead at the same time (although if they don't ever open the box to feed it it'll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the universe billions of years older than the universe itself. I believe in a personal god who cares about me and worries and oversees everything I do. I believe in an impersonal god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn't even know that I'm alive. I believe in an empty and godless universe of causal chaos, background noise, and sheer blind luck. I believe that anyone who says sex is overrated just hasn't done it properly. I believe that anyone who claims to know what's going on will lie about the little things too. I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies. I believe in a woman's right to choose, a baby's right to live, that while all human life is sacred there's nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system. I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you're alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it." -- American Gods, Neil Gaiman.
"I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. so i ran over and said "stop! don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian."
I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" He said, "Baptist!"
I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" He said, "Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off." -- Emo Philips
"If homosexuality is a disease, let's call in queer to work, 'Hi, I can't come to work today, still queer.'" -- Ellen Degeneres
If I was stranded on a desert island, and I could only have one person, one book, and one record with me, I'd probably die of exposure. -- Dave Foley
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -- Rita Rudner
"Patrick actually used to be popular before Sam bought him some good music." -- Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Then I knew what hell was. It wasn't so bad to be in it, but it was hell for the people who loved you, who had to look at you burning in the flames, out of their reach. -- Melanie Sumners, The School of Beauty and Charm
