~It Begins... Now..~
When I sleep so safe and tight in bed.. snuggled deep under the covers..
When I stand at my windows, arms folded over my chest..
As I lay there in bed.. holding my teddy bear close. face pressed gently into the soft fur..
Outside as I look down.. watching droplets of rain cry from the sky.. landing in musical harmony to the dirt and asphalt..
So small a room, a box if but anything.. but its My box..
The glassy panes of reality do not reflect the dream, but the truth, a truth that bitterly stares me in the face..
Laying in the bed, the room illuminated by the monitor, I close my eyes..
I look outside once more, just through a small crack in the window.. no one can see me.. I think..
The tears fall harder now, as the bitter winds rape along the side of the house..
I stand there, watching other peoples lives.. I long to be part of them...
The dreams came again.. calm loving hands holding me.. but then they pushed away..
I looked at the glowing monitor again.. I saw places.. I could no longer travel..
So few give happiness, or let me into their life..
~*Dedicated to My moreagain who stands at the window with me.. and to me Bash Bro.. who is always looking in to make sure I am there*~
My mind at ease.. the fears laid to rest.. I dream..
I dream of purple skies.. and grasses of white..
everyone getting along without argument..
I see poverty gone.. and bitterness extinguished like a midnight candle in winter..
I look down to the bitter world below.. people screaming and fighting..
Traffic reaming the streets.. as people blare on the horns in a cacophony of demands..
Foul words exchanged in a detrimental war of the words, or in some cases who can scream loudest..
Sadly.. my hands cover my ears wishing it would all end.. and quickly..
Sometimes I feel tears stream down my face.. teasing my cheeks so sore already from crying..
My mind aching from wishing... and praying.. for better things..
A heart one more day broken.. as it prays for love to come.. and save her from a salvationless world..
Of bitterness, hatred, and abuse.
I long to stand outside.. and feel their cooling touch to my pale face.. a face so devoid of light people joke.. 'vampire'..
What keeps me from the cooling rays of sun in spring.. or the cool drops of rain in fall? Fear..?
Brutal echoes of laughter come from acrost the street.. *CRACK* the broken blinds once more snapped shut..
Blocking them out.. or is it.. locking me in?
And as I curl up, legs tucked to my chest.. under the covers.. I dream..
I dream of a loving hand to help me find the way..
Of a caring smile to make the day shine those rays of light I so long to feel over my porcelain pale face..
A kind hand to wipe away the tears.. and ever so strong a voice..
To tell me I did no wrong and that it's all right to cry...
Cruel images depicted back into the eyes of a dreamer, which make the blinds fall once more, concealing reality away..
Away in its own box.. a box called Outside.
A box.. I long to feel.. like I did as a child..
Chasing fireflies and going barefoot..
When playing in the rain was acceptable.. because I knew no better..
When life... was easy.. why do we have to grow up?
And what do I do, but trick myself into thinking I matter..
Telling myself that tomorrow Daddy will be there to hold me up if I fall..
Or Mommy might have a kind word from her lips from me..
Instead of the constant yells of 'I'm onna phone' or 'Not now, I am watching TV..'
my mind tells me they are foolish.. because when I am gone.. they'll regret not taking every second..
I see a mother helping her little boy ride a bike..
A father teaching his daughter to play baseball.. and I close my eyes..
Trying myself to paint that kind of memory, for I never had such..
Instead a hand goes to my neck.. as if feeling the chain..
The cold metal of a key that daily rested to my heart.. under the T-shirts I wore..
Another day.. week.. precious moment.. wasted away..
I dive under the blankets scared.. sometimes the sounds make me shiver with fright..
Long ago I would have laughed at myself..
Not anymore.. for I am a shell of who I was years ago.
No one understands anymore.. the need for love or attention..
No one understand what it is like being friendless..
Save for the hollow illuminated glow of a 15 inch monitor..
So so sad..
to be loved.. cared for.. wanted I guess..
Longing to be loved and protected...
I must be silly to wish such for I am a nothing.. I have heard it forever..
Just a fat ***K of a nothing..
Voices making demands of sex and pleasures.. things I am so unready for..
Things that make me burst into tears from the uncomfortablness..
I dream of one who won't place pressure and give me time to heal..
Is there such a man?
I saw names, but they ignored me.. as if I was a plague ridden monster.. maybe I am..
No one comes close anymore, despite the prayers and wishes.. they get the last laugh now..
As my hand falls to the knife, pressed to the flesh..
Do I have the strength to not let them win?
I feel to weak now..
It's forbidden strange territory..
I hear the screaming voices below.. and I block them out..
My pen is mightier then their curses.. and I will defeat them..
writing more and more by the second.. I let the pain fill the paper..
Maybe I can write it all out of me.. that's the daily prayer..
and each day I can.. is one more day...
that all of those who have hurt me..
Lose.
-G.M.N. AKA J. Elf 2002-