Chapter 4
"And you can tell everybody, this is your song" ~Elton John's 'Your Song'
After the appointment
with Dr. Matheson, Nick had become virtually silent. He wouldn't talk, put the
radio on, or communicate with anybody. Even the puppies had noticed. They slinked
off to play quietly in the next room. Sara, being the only living creature in
the house brave enough to try to talk to Nick, decided to try her luck.
"I'm gonna grab some Oreos, Nick. You want some?" Sara asked trying
to put up a happy front to help her mask her pain.
"How can you eat at a time like this?" Nick snapped.
Sara shrugged. "I dunno. I just thought it was something to do. Sorry if
it offended you."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Nick sulked.
"I was just wondering…" Sara trailed. "I'm sorry if…"
"You're always sorry. Sorry this. Sorry that. My G-d Sara! When aren't
you sorry?"
Sara continued to munch on the cookies, not knowing what else to do.
"Fine. Don't answer me," Nick answered dejectedly.
"It's just that I don't exactly know how to talk to you. You've been mad
at the world since the doctor's."
"Yeah, and I'm supposed to hop, skip, and jump away from there after finding
out that I'm… you know… Dammit Sara! Why is this so difficult?"
"Because you're not letting anybody in."
"Will you stop sounding like a frickin' Hallmark card already?"
"You know what, Nick? When you're ready to rejoin the human race, let me
know," Sara said as she got up. "We'll talk then. I just thought our
relationship was a little better than bottling everything up inside, that's
all."
"Maybe it's not."
Sara raised her eyes in disbelief. "Excuse me?"
"Maybe we're not strong enough to go through this."
Sara was still recovering from the shock. "Are you listening to anything
you're saying? You're not making any sense."
"Maybe… I just… Leave me alone," Nick grumbled as he picked
up the remote and turned on the TV.
* * *
That night, as
Sara and Nick lay on opposite sides of the bed, Sara felt the baby kick. Her
hand rubbed her stomach gently as she tried to fall asleep.
She kept thinking about what Nick had said. Had he meant it? Was this the end
of them?
Sara rolled over and looked at Nick. His back was to her, but she could read
his every thought. The façade, the strong face he had put up during the
day was gone. His back began to quiver and his breath became staggered. She
wrestled internally for a few moments before reaching out a hand and resting
it gently on the small of his back. Nick pulled away at first, unsure of what
her comforting touch meant. Tears ran down his cheeks in a mixture of pain,
and frustration, but most of all, guilt.
"Shh," Sara soothed as she moved closer to him and rubbed his back,
"it'll be OK."
"It's all my fault," Nick said, his voice breaking as he dissolved.
"It's all my fault."
"No it's not, Nick," Sara said calmly as she laid her head on his
shoulder. "It's not your fault at all."
"Yes it is," Nick continued as he turned to face her while continually
getting more and more worked up about the predicament. Before long, Nick was
so filled with emotion that he was completely unable to speak.
Sara was at a loss for words. Never before had she seen Nick this upset. Unable
to think of anything else to offer, Sara slowly folded her arms around Nick
in what she hoped was reassurance.
Nick let himself be cradled in Sara's arms. She was the only person who could
possibly understand and have possible comprehension of what emotions he was
feeling. She had supported him through it all; through the constant touring,
the long separation, the times when he was unfaithful… The times when he
was unfaithful… That fact alone made Nick's tears stream down his face
in a newly refreshed waterfall. It truly was his fault. Sara and their baby
were innocent in everything. But because of him, Sara and the newest edition
of their unwed family were now doomed to a life confined in hospital walls when
sickness fell or doctor's offices even when healthy. And he was responsible.
Nick alone felt the sole cause of the situation. The more he thought about it,
the more he wanted to change the past. He wouldn't have let temptation take
such a strong hold of him. He wouldn't have gone out to the clubs after shows.
He would have used protection…
Sara wanted to cry. Nick was unable to form any words. She knew that it was
slowly eating at him throughout the day, but her attempts of help were brushed
off by hostile motions of a man she knew not of.
More than anything, Sara was scared. She knew she had to be strong for Nick,
but it was a strength she wasn't sure she possessed. Nick continued to cling
to her and clutch her like she would shatter if he let her go. Slowly, Nick's
sobs started to slow and she laid the two of them down; Nick resting on her
chest in the light grips of an exhausted slumber. Sara kissed the top of his
head lightly before she gently brushed the hair off of his forehead.
Sara remembered the first time they met. He was 12 and she 11 at the time. It
was one of the many talent competitions they had met up at when the boy asked
if she would accompany him to the local pizza parlor.
From then on, Sara and Nick were a team. They never left each other's side when
they were together; not a day passed when they didn't call each other if they
were apart.
Sara remembered one time in particular when they were together. They were both
16 and in New York on their own. Both were lost, but somehow stumbled upon a
really artsy, really quiet café. They took the booth in the corner and
spent hours talking. When the conversation turned to music, the two teenagers
raced each other to the old jukebox in the corner. Sara won, and as a reward,
got to play a slow ballad. Nick had whined about it, but soon got over it as
they danced.
"I want to
lay you down in a bed of roses
For tonight I sleep on a bed of nails
I want to be just as close as
The Holy Ghost is
And lay you down
On a bed of roses"
It was Bon Jovi- Sara's fetish and Nick knew it all too well. She was as fanatical
about them as Nick was about his own music…
Sara watched as Nick slumbered on her chest, peacefully inhaling and exhaling
with ease. She wished her life could be like that right now, the way it was
last night when everything fit into place and she never had to think of something
like HIV. Now, for the past few hours, all that she never had to think twice
about consumed her mind. She hated the feeling with all she had in her body.
The baby kicked one more time to let her know that it was still there. Once
again her hand rubbed the spot almost unconsciously.
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