Chapter 18

"It's been raining since you left me/ Now I'm drowning in the flood/ You see I've always been a fighter/ But without you/ I give up" ~Bon Jovi

Brian pulled into the funeral home parking lot, turned off the car, and pulled the key out of the ignition. Leighanne was in the back with the stupefied Sara and her baby, but right then Brian didn't even care. All he wanted was for Nick to come walking out of the building, sit in the car and ask where they were going next. Brian stared longingly at the door to the building hoping that perhaps his mind's eye would be correct...

"I don't know what to get Sara, man," Nick said as he put the chocolate holding teddy bear down with disgust.

"Sara this. Sara that," Brian teased. "You're whipped, dude."

"I am NOT," Nick denied as he turned a bright shade of pink. "I can't be whipped."

"Then why are you being so fussy?" Brian inquired as he picked up a card to read the inside.

Nick was momentarily stunned. "I just... I love her a lot and I want to make this special." Nick paused. "Besides, there's nothing wrong with being whipped..."

Brian smiled to himself and shook his head. That was a typical Nick response.

Nick eventually settled on a locket and a bouquet of snapdragons and baby's breath, her favorite...

"Brian?" Leighanne asked as she noted the distant look in his eye.

He jumped slightly at the sound of his name as he tried to clear his head.

"Yes?"

"Are you ready to go?"

"This isn't supposed to happen..."

"Not to Nick," Sara interjected.

* * *

Nick's wake was open casket. There were family members scattered all over the place. Jane and Bob were a wreck. Leslie couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, and couldn't stand without assistance. BJ walked around in a haze. Angel, much to everyone's surprise, was relatively calm. It seemed that she had a firm grip on her own reality and accepted his death.

Aaron was another story. To put it plainly, he was in denial. He had been in denial for the past six months, but nobody seemed to realize it. Aaron kept on thinking that maybe if he prayed hard enough that things would change and that Nick would be better and not be sick anymore. He never hit reality.

Then there were the group mates.

Brian had taken it the best out of all of them. He, like BJ, walked around in a daze of disbelief. The thought of not having Nick anymore scared him to death.

Then there was Howie. He took the loss as if it was one of his own family members. He was a wreck to put it mildly. Tears kept pouring out of the man's eyes like it was the end of the world.

Kevin. He had a different kind of love for Nick, one that the others could never really fathom. As the eldest of the group, Kevin didn't only look at Nick as a band-mate, or friend, or brother, but almost as a son. Kevin, as far as he was concerned, helped to raise Nick and look after him. Not that Jane and Bob just sat there, but Kevin was the one who Nick had turned to for a sympathetic ear or a shoulder to cry on or even as a punching bag. But no matter what, Kevin had always made sure that he was there for Nick: always.

Nobody had realized that AJ hadn't been around much since Nick's diagnosis. They hadn't realized he came back to the Carter-Galen house late or that he was the only one in the group who hadn't been in at some point to talk to Nick or to visit him or even give him a call once in a while. Everybody was too concerned about the youngest member of the group to even notice, but now that the focus had shifted off of Nick, AJ and his behavior became crystal clear.

AJ entered the funeral parlor with a somber look on his face and a bottle of Jack Daniel's in his hand. Several people turned to see what had happened and who had come in, but very few knew of how deep AJ's struggles went. Bouncing in and out of different rehab facilities did nothing for him. Sure, he had been clean at one point, but for the past six months the word sober hadn't entered his vocabulary. It hurt too much to be sober.

A picture of Nick had been placed by his casket. One could barely find the similarities between the person in the picture and the gaunt figure in the casket. Sara remained with Michael, Jane, Bob and whichever sibling was around, by Nick at all times. Nick and Sara had never left each other for very long, and even though Nick was gone in the sense that he could no longer open his eyes or laugh, Sara felt better seeing him, even if she knew her time was limited...


"When will I see you again?" an 11-year-old Sara asked as she watched Jane and Bob load the car with Nick's luggage.

"I'll be back," Nick answered. "I'll only be gone a little while."

"But you're going to Europe."

"It's only a couple thousand miles away," Nick tried to joke. Sara didn't seem amused.

"I'm gonna miss you," Sara said softly as she felt her eyes well up with tears.

Just then Jane called her son to get in the car.

Nick had sighed inwardly, knowing that this was the last time he would see his best friend for a long time.

"I'm gonna miss you too," he finally admitted.

"Nick we have to go! You know Lou doesn't like to run late!" Jane called out the driver's side window.

"Be right there, Mom!"

Nick turned back to Sara who was crying and fought with himself as to what he should do. She looked really sad and he knew she needed a hug, but it would be weird to hug her. She was his best friend. But finally, after a few moments of further deliberation, Nick found himself embracing Sara and reassuring her that he'd be back...

Nick's friends and family all made it over to the parents, siblings, girlfriend, and child of the deceased at one time or another. They shared their feelings on Nick, told stories of how he had made them smile or how they had gone somewhere together, and shared their sorrows about how 'somebody like Nick' was gone in the blink of an eye.

AJ sat in the corner of a secluded room of the funeral parlor washing his pain away with another swig of Jack Daniels. He begrudgingly looked at the bottle intently, looked up and across the empty room, put the bottle down, and put his head in his hands. It was rare when not even a drink could make his pain go away. That scared him. It made the pain real.

AJ tried to think of something happy to dull the mind numbing stabbing that his brain was taking. All he could do though was visualize Nick's smiling face every single time he closed his eyes. He took another gulp of brown liquid and felt a moment of bliss wash through him as he swallowed. But it was only for a moment...

"Have you called Nick yet?" Howie had asked one time when he randomly called to check up on his friend.

AJ swallowed his orange juice. "No, why?"

Howie sighed. "Because I think he'd appreciate it. He's been going through a lot lately and maybe a call from you would..."

"When I get around to it," AJ said while cutting Howie off. "There's a lot of stuff over here that needs to get done."

Howie sighed to himself, knowing full well that the big, empty house that AJ was talking about was immaculately taken care of. "I know, but... Everyone else called."

"If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?" At this point AJ knew he was being difficult, but it always got the others off the phone in a hurry. Perhaps Howie would follow suit.

"Look, AJ," Howie had tried to reason gently, "all I'm saying is that he's going to start to wonder why you haven't called. He's mentioned it to me already. I only wanted to suggest that you take the initiative to do something before he calls you on being a jerk."

Barbed truth: Howie's specialty.

There was a heavy pause.

"Fine," AJ grumbled. "I'll call him."

Howie's ears perked up. "Really?"

"Yeah. I'll give him a call."

"Great, then I guess that's all I really wanted to talk to you about. You promise you'll call though?"

"I'll call, Howie," AJ said starting to get fed up with his buddy.

"Fine. I'll talk to you soon then."

"B-bye Howie."

"And you'll call?"

"Yes. Goodbye."

With that, both parties hung up the phone: Howie with a smile on his face and AJ with a bottle of vodka in one hand and the orange juice in the other.

Brian had never seen his friend hang his head so low From the doorpost of the secluded room, Brian witnessed the deconstruction of AJ. He saw the familiar bottle raised to his friend's lips, the swallowing that had followed, and the way AJ's eyes had glazed over afterwards.

Brian cleared his throat as he entered the room, causing AJ to look up and immediately lower his eyes in shame. From his place on the floor, AJ watched Brian walk closer. Not wanting to deal, AJ closed his eyes and rested the back of his head against the wall. He was not in the mood for a lecture.

Moments later, AJ felt another body sit beside him and merely sit. At first AJ was expecting to be grilled on his aloofness, but seeing as that wasn't going to happen, he started to get curious.

"Why are you here?" AJ asked.

Brian shrugged. He wasn't sure himself. "Just thought you might need a friend."

There was a silence. "You sure you're not going to lecture me?"

Brian turned his head towards his friend for the first time in over six months. "I'm not gonna lecture. I'm your friend, not your drill sergeant."

There was another pause, this one longer than the first.

"Do you remember the last time we sat like this?" Brian questioned seemingly out of the blue. AJ gave him a questioning look. "It was after the Montréal show, remember?" Still no response from AJ "Oh come on. You gotta remember."

AJ thought and finally smiled. "Was that the show when everything went wrong?"

Brian smiled too, seeing that AJ had the same memory. "Yeah. Kevin got stuck in the harness..."

"What else is new?" AJ reminisced.

"Howie tripped and fell somehow. I don't even remember."

"Didn't Nick put something on his shoes?" AJ asked. "Some sort of oil?"

Brian's eyes twinkled with the memory. "That's right. It was funny at first, but then the oil got all over the stage..."

"And all over us."

"But it was great though."

"Yeah. Nick was always good at getting Howie to fall for his pranks."

AJ laughed lightly. "That was Nick for you."

There was another brief pause. "He was always good for that. He could always make people laugh." AJ watched as his friend turned away and dabbed his eyes. There was another silence, this time dark, which hovered over the room.

"You OK?" AJ asked quietly after a few moments.

Brian sniffed and nodded and turned his blotchy eyes and tear stained face back to his friend. "I just can't believe he's gone."

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