Chapter 20
"And I will love you/ Baby/ Always/ And I'll be there forever and a day/ Always" ~Bon Jovi
Sara couldn't remember
much of the ceremony after that. She was too consumed in her own pain to function.
Everything was blurry, weather it be from her tears or her fractured state of
mind. Everything to her was surreal.
Whispers of "they weren't even married" and "it's such a shame"
ran rampantly around Sara and her mother as the two walked with the congregated
mourners to Nick's final destination. Even as she walked, Sara kept thinking
that Nick would pull up in his car and walk with her and reassure her that everything
was going to be alright.
The trek up to the burial grounds was somber. Barely anyone spoke and it seemed
that barely anyone noticed. Angel noticed though. She was very aware of everything
around her. Some would say she was hyper-sensitive to this sort of thing. It
registered with her all too well that Nick was gone, only this time he wasn't
on tour and he wasn't going to return.
A ray of sunshine fell on Angel's face as she walked with the others. She stopped
walking and turned her face towards the Heavens. It was ironic how a day so
somber was so sunny.
Bob, Kevin, Brian, and Aaron all performed the task that they were never supposed
to fathom. All of them were shaky from the experience of being Nick's pallbearers.
To them, they should have never, ever been asked to even imagine being in such
a situation. But, such was life that there they were on a bright, sunny day
when they all knew that Nick would be out in his boat with Sara by his side.
Jane felt like they were burying her heart. A parent is never supposed to bury
a child. Her pain was so deep that her tears couldn't even fall. She felt hollow
inside, but especially in her heart. Of course she'd always have her memories
of little Nicky taking his first steps, first words, going on his first date
with Sara, first audition, his first show…everything. But they were just
memories. It was very different than having Nick in front of her to give her
the second by second recount of how it all happened and the backstage hijinx.
Sara was beyond words. She felt like every shovel of dirt was burying half of
her as well. They were taking Nick away from her. In one sudden instant, she
came to the reality that she could no longer go to the hospital and see Nick,
or ever hold his hand again. Not being able to control herself, Sara let out
a long wail.
The sound that was emitted by Sara made AJ's stomach turn and he was almost
forced to excuse himself. He kept hearing Howie's voice echoing through his
head.
"Promise you'll
call?" Howie asked.
"For the last time, D, I'll call," he remembered himself answering
with no intention of making good on his word.
He never called. AJ hadn't called Nick to say hello since the day Nick called
to tell him that he was HIV positive. And now AJ was living with his conscience.
He never got a chance to really say goodbye because Nick was always full of
energy and was anything but wasting away before the others' eyes. They had to
be making it up. It couldn't have been true. Nick couldn't be dying. He just
couldn't.
But as Nick's grave began to fill with dirt, AJ saw how bleak everybody had
become. He had a direct contact with Nick. He, besides Sara, was closest in
age to Nick and could have been a comfort. But instead, AJ felt dirty for being
selfish. He wanted to turn back time and pick up the phone and call. He didn't
want to feel like he did. He wanted out.
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