Chapter 22
"Then you look at me/ And I always see/ What I have been searching for/ I'm lost as can be/ Then you look at me/ And I am not lost anymore… You look at me/ And life comes from you…" ~Celine Dion ("Then You Look At Me")
Nearly everyone
had left the Carter-Galen household. It was late and everyone had lives to pick
up and live, unlike Nick. It brought Sara to tears to think of Nick lying there
so still, so stiff, and so alone. She knew that her attempts to make him come
back were in vain, but still she hoped.
Leighanne watched as Sara said her hollow goodbyes to the family and friends
that had come back with her after the funeral. It wasn't Sara talking. Sara
was a mere shell of her former self. It frightened Leighanne to see her friend
like this.
"You almost ready?" Brian asked softly as he came up next to Leighanne.
"I don't think we can go," Leighanne answered even softer than Brian
had asked.
"What do you mean?"
Leighanne broke her gaze from Sara to her husband. "Something's not right
with her."
"Yeah, but," Brian started, "she's still in shock. It's to be
expected."
"Expected? Brian, you can't treat this like it's a formula. This is Sara.
You've known her since she was 12. You know how she is. You can't honestly tell
me that you don't see someone who is 100%," Leighanne tried to reason.
"I'm not treating it like a formula," Brian said, his vibrant eyes
turning darker than they were earlier in the day. He let out a breath and ran
his hand through his hair. "Everyone had different coping mechanisms,"
Brian said as he put a hand on her arm. "Maybe this is Sara's way of dealing
with it all."
"It doesn't seem normal though."
"A lot of things aren't normal right now."
"What are you two still doing here?" Sara asked as she appeared in
the corridor of the house. "You've got a long drive ahead of you and it's
getting late." Her voice wasn't normal and her body language was from a
different person. Leighanne was shocked into a state of disbelief over how drastically
Sara's personality changed. She knew that once Nick passed, Sara would be different,
but not this different.
"I…we… uh…"
"I'll be fine you guys," Sara interrupted too quickly. It confirmed
Leighanne's suspicions that something was wrong. "I'm a big girl. I can
take care of myself."
"But we worry," Brian said.
"You sound like my mother," Sara said. "Really. I'll…I'll
be fine here with Nick." Sara immediately looked down at the sound of Nick's
name. "I mean…Michael. I'll be fine with Michael."
"Are you sure you don't want us to stay?" Leighanne asked. "We
can always drive back tomorrow."
"Don't be silly," Sara said dully. "You've got a house waiting
for you. And what about Tyk and Litty? What will they do without you?"
Brian and Leighanne stood in silence. "Why don't you go start up the car,
Brian? You should really get going."
Brian dutifully left; almost relieved to be out of the house where he felt that
Nick was everywhere he turned.
Sara went to find Leighanne's jacked from the closet, opened the door, and stopped.
There was Nick's favorite leather jacket. It still had slight smudges from her
makeup when he hugged her so tightly that she thought she would never breathe
again.
"I feel like going out tonight," Nick said as he pulled Sara on top
of him as he lay on the couch.
Sara strattled him with a smile. "Where to?"
Nick shrugged. "Just out to dinner. Someplace fancy."
"Does that mean I have to wear a dress?" Sara asked, almost putting.
"But you look so nice when you wear a dress," Nick said looking up
at her. "Especially that black one with the fringe." His fingertips
brushed her shoulder, sending shivers down her spine.
A tear slid down Sara's cheek in remembrance. That was the night Michael was
conceived. She could still feel Nick's arms around her as they stood in the
corridor of the house when he squeezed her so tightly. It had been so comforting
and so loving. Nick always gave the best hugs.
"You OK?" Leighanne asked.
Sara shook her head and showed her tear-streaked face to her friend. "I
never thought I'd be able to live without Nick."
Leighanne's heart shattered for her friend as she took Sara into a hug. "Are
you sure you don't want me to stay?" Leighanne whispered. "Just say
the word."
"No," Sara said as she pulled away and wiped her tears. "I guess
I've got to get used to being without him."
"I'm here though," Leighanne pleaded, almost for her own mental well
being rather than Sara's. More than anything, Leighanne wanted to make sure
that Sara was going to be all right tonight. Sara pushing her away wasn't helping.
"If I need anything, I'll give you a call."
"Promise?" Leighanne asked with tears in her eyes.
"Promise," Sara answered back just as tearfully. "Now leave before
I change my mind."
Brian walked back in and tried to survey the situation. This was easily one
of the most trying times of his life. Losing one you're close to is never easy,
but for Brian, it almost felt like the end of the world.
"Go on," Sara said, wiping her eyes and seeing Brian standing in the
doorway. "I'll be fine."
"How do you do that?" a 14-year-old Sara asked Leighanne.
"Do what?" Leighanne asked as she continued in her daily make-up rituals.
"Your make-up and everything."
Leighanne smiled. "It's a learned craft."
"Can you teach me?"
Leighanne closed her compact and put it on the counter with a mischievous smile.
"Aren't you and Nick going out later tonight?"
Sara read Leighanne's mind perfectly.
"He's picking me up around 11 or so after the show."
"And you're going to a nice place, right?"
Sara nodded.
"Be back at your room by 7:30. We've gotta start early."
That night, Nick never knew what hit him. The girl that opened the door was
not the same girl who he had kissed goodbye with a promise to pick her up later.
Leighanne could still see Nick's shocked face as Sara opened that door. She
was proud of her work on Sara, and Sara found her self-confidence in return.
It was amazing to see Sara's transformation from a little girl to a young woman
in the span of a few hours; especially after Sara tried on Leighanne's dress.
Since that night, Leighanne didn't have the heart to wear the dress again. The
backless, floor length, blue dress was something Sara herself never would have
chosen, but tried it on at Leighanne's request.
"You alright?" Leighanne asked the awkward teenage when there was
a knock on the door.
"I'll be fine," Sara answered. "Besides, Nick's gonna be with
me. He'll take care of me."
"That's what I'm worried about," Leighanne replied with a smirk. There
was another knock at the door. "Now go get the door before you scare that
boy."
Sara reached for the door and stopped.
"Do I look OK?" she asked nervously.
"You look gorgeous. You sure you're OK?"
Sara smiled. "I'll be just fine."
At long last, Sara had time to herself. The house was empty and silent, but
to Sara, it still felt like Nick was upstairs sleeping and she couldn't wait
to go up and snuggle up next to him like always.
She made it up the stairs, put Michael in his bassinet and walked to her room
and opened the door. Nick wasn't lying in bed waiting for her this time. He'd
never be there to hold her again.
That last thought literally made Sara's knees go weak. She gingerly made her
way to the bed and fell on top of it. She could smell Nick everywhere. It made
her pain so much more intense. She was sure that from that moment on there was
so plausible way she could go on living without Nick.
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