WARNING!!! NEWSPAPER VIRUS!!!!!

If you receive a newspaper with an article in it headlined "Budweiser Frog Dies", DO NOT READ IT. Apparently it is a new sort of virus; the "Newspaper Virus". When this article is read, it will cause the printed characters on the newspaper to 'crash' , that is, come unglued, and fall in a big heap in your lap. This particular virus is very nasty in that it will re-infect any magazine or newspaper that you read afterwards, causing THEIR print to become unusable. As well, any computer screen viewed with infected eyes will have all pixels on it fall in a pile onto the keyboard, rendering it inoperative. The New York Times this morning confirmed the existence of this virus. Microsoft and Reuters are now investigating it.

THIS VIRUS IS EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. THE UNITED STATES OPTICIANS SOCIETY HAS ADVISED ALL READERS TO WEAR COBALT-SAMARIUM TINGED SUNGLASSES BEFORE READING A NEWSPAPER. PLEASE DO NOT PASS THIS MESSAGE USING E-MAIL, BUT PRINT IT OFF AND MAIL IT INSIDE A BROWN ENVELOPE TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN, USING THE U.S. POSTAL SERVICES!