Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What the Hell does that mean?
It is darkest just before everything goes completly black
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a helpless little baby made of solid gold? Maybe we'll never know.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
I have learned that you can't make someon love your best bet is to stalk them until they panic and give in
I can imagine another world with world piece. I can also earth attacking that planet because they would never expect it.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
Do to the current economic cercumstances the light at the end of the tunnel will be temperarily shut off.
Tomarrow will be canceled do to lack of interest.
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "I don't need to take any X-rays I know what I'm doing" and thin he would say "Your nuts man" and he'd start cursing and you'd say "Get outta here!" and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
I can tell you how to build a bomb out of a roll of toilet paper and a stick of dinomite
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I just go out into the street and punch who ever I see. After that I usually don't feel so violent anymore
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, "hey, free dummy."
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I can remember that like it was yesterday.
Don't waste time reading stupid sayings.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say. Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught thatmorning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to flap your arms wildly and caw like a bird.
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really freak you out.
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, I keep telling you I don't have the money
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, a mouse loose his head.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window.
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also,
Beware of the poisanes monkies.
Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?
I scrambled to the top of the top peek of the mountain where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.
If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"
Do to the current economic circomstances the light at the end of the tunnel will be temporarily shut off
Gravity its not just a good idea its the LAW
The sidewalk is not a passing lane
STOP!! GO OUTSIDE!! WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE