Back at the house of the seven Guys Courting Disaster, the Princess had grown weary of the mens constant attentions toward her. Each man had been trying to entertain her and as of yet none had succeeded. Dougy tried to win her favor by bringing her flowers. Deejay tried to impress her by showing her all the electronic gadgets in the house. C. Muldoon tried reciting Shakespeare, and Finch N. Chips by writing funny narratives to her. Vodner VonValker showed the Princess his entire collections of CDs, LDs, and videotapes, then he started reciting trivia on all of them.
Vic and Skeet had entered into their own personal argument over her. Each one of them claimed he saw her first and therefore he was entitled to her. They might have come to blows over her, but instead they burst into the song "Agony" from Stephen Sondheim’s Into the Woods:
Vic: Did I amuse her or show her disdain?
Why does she run from me?
If I should lose her how shall I regain
The heart she has won from me?
Agony!
Beyond power of speech
When the one thing you want
Is the only thing out of your reach.
Skeet: Lost in our bower
She sits by the hour
Disdaining our pleas.
Blithe and becoming
And frequently humming,
"Get me out of here, please."
(For the Princess had been softly singing to herself and of course the Guys were only further dumbfounded by the siren call of her voice.)
Skeet continued: Agony!
Far more painful than yours
When you know she would go with you
If there weren’t so many dwarfs
(Skeet momentarily thought he was in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, but he quickly recovered.)
Vic and Skeet: Agony!
Oh the torture they teach!
Skeet: What’s so intriguing....
Vic: Or half so misleading......
Both: As what’s out of reach.
Vic: Am I not sensitive
Clever
Well-mannered
Considerate
Passionate, charming
As kind as I’m tall
And in charge of this group?
Skeet: I am everything maidens could wish for!
(Humility was never a strong point for Skeet)
Vic: Then why no?
Skeet: Do I know?
Vic: The girl must be mad
(Vic said in a moment of temporary insanity)
Skeet: You know nothing of madness.
Have you noticed her bodice?
How it rests on that goddess.
As you’re nearing her
All the while hearing her
Singing "Get me out of this asylum please!"
Both: Agony!
Vic: Misery!
Skeet: Woe!
Both: Though it’s different for each.
Vic: Always ten steps away
Skeet: Always six other Guys in my way
Both: And she’s just out of reach
Agony!
That can cut like a knife!
I must have her to wife!
The men were finally, and mercifully, interrupted by a knock on the door. "I’ll get it!", each one of the Guys Courting Disaster yelled and they all ran for the door. It was Queen Gerssie.
The Princess Bettarina was very relieved. She thought she was going to be rescued by the Queen, and laughed at herself for thinking the Queen did not like her. Bettarina ran for the door. "Oh, Queen Gerssie, I’m so glad to see you! What do you have in the bag?"
"Just a treat for you on the long trip home," answered the Queen innocently. She really wanted to shove a piece down Bettarina’s throat right now, but there were far too many witnesses.
"Peanut brittle!", the Princess guessed, "Oh, thank you! Is it primarily brittle, or do the nuts predominate?
"In your case Dearie, always the nuts."
Princess Bettarina could not wait. She grabbed the bag and chomped down on a piece.
"No!" the Queen screamed.
Alas, it was too late. The sleeping death potion worked instantaneously. Bettarina grabbed her throat and tried to scream, but found her power of speech now equaled that of the Knave Folet. She also realized she could no longer breathe and blacked out. Since she blacked out she could no longer stay on her feet and so she sank to the floor, just as if someone had thrown some water on her. Vic tried to catch her, but he was too far away. All seven of the Guys Courting Disaster gasped simultaneously. Queen Gerssie cackled and croaked, "Ha ha! I am finally free of that sickening ‘can do no wrong’ girl!”
The Guys ran to the spot where the Princess fell to the floor. They tried to revive her by picking her up, flinging her arms around their shoulders and "walking" her around the room. Vodner even tried playing some of his CDs very loudly, sadly to no avail. Queen Gerssie laughed at the Guys’ attempts to revive Bettarina.
"You fools," she cried, "she’s gone, forever! The potion of the sleeping death does not have a remedy. She will remain in the state she is in now, completely unconscious to the world! Unfortunately, she will not suffer any of the ravages of death, she will remain in the pristine condition she is in, forever." The Queen made a mental note to work on that part of the potion some time.
The Guys were livid. They had not been around the Princess long enough to really get to know her, but to have their goddess taken away from them so soon after they found her was more than they could handle. They very reverently laid the Princess on a well-worn couch, being sure to cover her with a cozy afghan so she wouldn’t get cold. As a group they turned and started toward the Queen. The Queen saw the mob approaching and decided it was time to take her leave of the Guys. She ran out the door and across the bridge with just a split second lead over the men. She was surprisingly fleet of foot and soon had a small lead over the Guys who kept falling over each other in their pursuit of the Queen. The Queen kept running and was giving herself a comfortable lead.
Once the Guys crossed the bridge they became more organized and started to gain on the Queen. Gerssie ran through twigs and brush and pond scum to evade the men. She scrambled over rocks, climbed every mountain, and outran the strange Mark Jerkis who had once again tracked her down. She finally put him out of his misery by pushing him off the edge of a precipice. As a final plea to save his dying theater Jerkis shouted, "Check out our (ouch!) schedule for (eek!) Martini Months! (Oof!) Coming soon!" as he bounced from edge to cliff on his long way down to the bottom of the Duquesne Gorge.
The evil Queen Gerssie heard the Seven Guys Courting Disaster catching up to her and ran away from the edge of the cliff before they could force her to join Jerkis. The Queen ran toward what looked to be a church nestled in the trees. She planned to claim sanctuary upon reaching it but when she arrived at the highly decorated building there was no one inside. She departed the church through one of the rear exits and found a festival taking place. Many people were dressed in colorful costumes and a banner was strung between two trees that proclaimed, "Sponsored by Broome Brothers Department Store. Our motto, ‘You can pay less, but you cannot pay more!"
Even though the Queen wanted to find out why the festival was taking place, she spotted Mabel, the fortune teller. Gerssie decided that since she had not yet paid Mabel what she owed her for detaining the Princess at the marketplace, she should leave before Mabel noticed her presence. Oh, but it was too late for the evil Queen. Mabel had already seen her and was very eager to get her money. She headed out after the Queen.
The Queen didn’t waste any time looking behind her to see who was chasing her. She ran toward a booth that had been set up as a broadcasting studio, beyond that booth were enough trees to provide her with plenty of cover. She thought the booth was in a rather odd place, right next to the dunking booth. The Queen didn’t want to think about how messy it would be if some of the water from the booth splashed on an ungrounded wire from the broadcast booth. She looked around to find another way out, but saw Mabel coming from one direction and the Guys closing in from another, so she had no choice but to run in between the two dreaded booths. The Queen drew a deep breath as if to make herself thinner as she ran and plowed through the people surrounding the entertainments. She made it through the space between the booths seconds before the spray from some newly soaked dumpee landed in the path. Mabel and the Guys changed their trajectories to continue their pursuit of the Queen.
Queen Gerssie disappeared into the woods. Seven of the people trailing her entered shortly thereafter. Skeet was falling behind because he had stumbled across a poker game while chasing the Queen through the festival and stopped to play a few hands. After Skeet tired of fleecing the players he used his traditional exit line to excuse himself from the game, "Oh, will you look at the sundial..."
As they did he made his way to join the others. Skeet caught up to the rest of the group at a clearing in the forest. Well, it wasn’t really a clearing, the woods stopped because a mountain decided to put itself there. Queen Gerssie smirked inwardly. She knew something the gang of eight didn’t know. The tracks for the St. Pitt-Altooney trolley line were built around the side of the mountain. She could hear a train coming around the bend. Clang, clang, clang went the trolley.
"Wait, wait, wait," yelled Queen Gerssie. The Queen ran as quickly as she could to catch the trolley, but alas, the driver was the same Herb Pitman whom the evil Queen had pressed into service at the commencement of her plan to get rid of the Princess. He wanted to get back at her for all of her mistreatments of her courtiers. He drove by the Queen without even slowing down, perhaps even speeding up slightly. He waved and smiled as he passed by her, and Gerssie knew she had to find another way home, and quickly.
The pursuers were backing the Queen up to the side of the mountain. Suddenly a voice from somewhere in the bushes strewn throughout the side of the mountain yelled for help. The group at the bottom of the slope looked up to see a very unusual sight. An elegant looking woman was being chased down the mountain by an out of control one-wheel rickshaw. The vehicle was gaining speed as it bounced down the side of the mountain. The woman jumped out of the way of the cart just before it crashed into a large boulder that sent it flying through the air careening toward the bottom of the hill. Mabel and the Guys ran for cover, but the evil Queen Gerssie had no time to move out of the way. The rickshaw headed straight to the Queen and perhaps her final thought was that it looked as if someone was dropping a house on her. Poor Queen Gerssie was completely obliterated by the impact.
Vic and Skeet slowly walked toward the crash scene. The wheel on the rickshaw was still spinning when they arrived and they both found it very odd that the Queen was wearing red sequined shoes. Too bad she didn’t click them three times. The lettering on the side of the rickshaw told them that the vehicle was owned by "Pablo’s Patently Perfidious Perfunctory Rickshaw Company". They trudged up the side of the mountain in search of the woman they assumed was Pablo. They traced the arc of her jump and found that they need not have worried about her loss of income. Pablo had landed in a briar patch and had probably been able to greet Queen Gerssie wherever they both landed after exiting this life.
Mabel and the Seven Guys Courting Disaster were upset that they would not be able to impeach the Queen for her treachery in regard to the Princess. Mabel was furious that now she would never be paid for her fortune telling.
The group walked dejectedly back to the house of the Seven Guys. Each one of the men harbored the secret hope that since the Queen was now dead, the spell on the Princess would be broken. When they opened the door and entered the hallway their hopes were raised because they heard music playing. Then they realized that in the hurry to chase after the Queen, Vodner had not turned off the CD that was playing. They found the Princess still on the couch, as lifeless as ever.
At a loss for what to do, the seven Guys and Mabel decided to bring the Princess back to the palace in the hope of finding an antidote for the poison. Upon their arrival at the palace they found that the Wizard of Eldrangnia had been released from the mirror and had taken his place as owner of the palace pursuant to an old treaty. It turned out he had been wrong about being freed from the mirror when the Knave Folet was restored his gift of speech, for the Knave was as silent as ever. Although somehow he had managed to become engaged to his now not-so-secret love, Breugenia. Everyone decided it must have been the Queen’s death that freed the Wizard. The Guys pleaded with the Wizard to bring Bettarina back to life, but the Wizard had to own up to the fact that he was not a Wizard at all. He had just drifted into this world one day when the hot air balloon he had been piloting lost its way.
The Guys had no choice but to build a shrine to the Princess. They chose a place by the river and built the most elaborate mausoleum imaginable. There were white marble statues of Bettarina adorning every corner (and since the building was octagonal, that meant a lot of corners). Fresh flowers, which were replaced daily by the men, surrounded her bias..uh, dais. Candles were kept lit twenty-four hours a day by the men. The Guys could seldom be prodded out of their excessive mourning. They were consumed by their grief and would not leave their goddess no matter who tried to pry them away. Mabel tried to coax them back to reality, but the men would not pay any attention to her, even when she did her dance of the seven veils. Mabel finally gave up on them, especially since the minstrel Ruperth did pay attention to her dance. Mabel and Ruperth were now spending a lot of time looking for veils.
Life in the palace became much more fun now that the evil Queen Gerssie was gone and the "Wizard" of Eldrangnia was in charge. He let everyone do what they wanted, so they all did. The Knave Folet and Breugenia were married in a lavish ceremony at the palace. The ceremony was beautiful, but the court could not understand why the Knave insisted on having spaghetti and ketchup served at the dinner.
The Lady Hilariat and her husband, Sir Jeffrey the Tall continued their always interesting relationship and entertained the palace by performing Ruperth’s scripts. Their favorite work of his was entitled, The Belle of Matamoros. It was probably their favorite script because in it Ruperth had managed to work in their favorite phrase to each other, "Right back atchya, Zucchini", several times. Amazingly enough, the Lady Hilariat’s only complaint was that since Mabel had taken permanent residence at the palace, Ruperth’s script output had decreased significantly.
As for the poor seven Guys Courting Disaster, they could never be torn away from the Princess Bettarina. They continued their vigil for the Princess. No matter how many other more beautiful, talented, intelligent and wittier women tried to help them see the error of their ways, they could never let go of their ideal. And then, one day, as if by a miracle, the Princess awakened from her slumber. Silly Queen Gerssie never turned the page of the spell book to read that the spell would indeed wear off six months after her own death. The court threw a party to celebrate the Princess’s return and the seven Guys were almost ready to fight several duels with each other for the privilege of dancing with her.
The Princess Bettarina was continually being followed by all seven of the men. They slept outside her chamber door at night, so they would be able to wait on her hand and foot when she awakened in the morning. The Princess was growing annoyed with the constant unwanted attention. She tried to avoid the Guys by having Bruegenia scout safe passages for her. However, her attempts to evade the men never worked. No matter how hard she tried to find a moment to herself one of the Guys would track her down and try to woo her. Finally the poor Princess Bettarina had had enough. She did not care for any of the Guys in a romantic way, so she decided to get rid of the men by the one way they would never be able to pursue her. She joined a nunnery.
The Princess joined the Barbican Convent for Overly Pursued Women. There she spent the rest of her days happily writing scripts that the rest of the nuns would perform. Some of her favorites were, Valiant Pilgrimage, Wee Mary Smith, Roadside Mansion, Major Nile, and Susie Swede, Private Eye. Bettarina seldom ventured beyond the high walls of the convent. For every time she did the seven Guys were there waiting to shower her with rose petals.
The men had moved out of the palace and into a house they built right next to the convent. They turned themselves into monks, wearing nothing but brown robes. They moved Bettarina’s mausoleum, complete with statues, and turned it into a shrine. The Princess finally obtained a restraining order against the Guys which did keep them away from the doorstep of the convent, but did nothing to prevent the men’s constant attempts to nominate Bettarina for Sainthood.
Bettarina ignored the men as best she could. The villagers followed her lead and also ignored and pitied the men. Eventually the whole village of St. Pitt gave up on the men and forgot they were even there. The Seven Guys Courting Disaster went on living in their happy little world of Bettarinaland as life passed right by them. And so everyone lived happily ever after, in their own way.
The End
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