Brace yourselves, folks... it's another excruciating fanfic from Kevin! :)
This one's a bit wacky, and is not meant to be taken too seriously. I've got some kooky ideas figured out for this one, so hold on to your potatoes!
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, Remember WENN and its characters are copyright Rupert Holmes, Meltzer Productions, AMC, and no infringement is intended. Certain other elements are intended for parody only, no infringement of Lucasilm-copyrighted material is intended.
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WENN Wars
By Kevin Schultz
Part 1
"What have you got there, Scott Sherwood?" Betty Roberts demanded as she entered her office. Scott was seated at the desk, paging through what looked to be a mass of looseleaf papers. He looked up guiltily at Betty, and tried to shove the papers in a drawer.
"Uh, nothing, Betty," Scott stammered. Then he paused, knowing he’d never get away with it. "OK, you got me. It’s a little something I wrote a few weeks back. I’m not much of a writer, but I got inspired." He grinned rather shyly.
Betty cocked an eyebrow. "Inspired? This wouldn’t have anything to do with scheming for money, would it?"
Scott chuckled. "Of course, not, Betty, you know me better than that."
Betty gave him a look that said, "That, sir, is perhaps one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard in my entire life, and how dare you try to prove otherwise."
Scott shrugged. "OK, so you do know me better than that. But this is just a simple indulgence of mine."
Scott handed the pages to Betty. She looked at the top page. "’WENN Wars’?" She said, suspicious. "What is this, some sort of tell-all book of the behind-the-scenes shenanigans at Pittsburgh’s own WENN radio station?"
"Of course not, Betty," Scott said, shaking his head. "Who on earth would ever be interested in the goings-on of a radio station in the 1940’s? No, this is something else. I got the idea from watching those ‘Buck Rogers’ and ‘Captain Proton’ serials they’ve been showing again recently at the Rialto. You know, a big action-packed space hero epic."
Betty smirked. "With you as the dashing hero, no doubt."
"Well, maybe one of them, anyway," Scott admitted.
Betty paged through the papers. "So it’s a story, not a script?"
Scott shrugged again. "Well, I knew I could never match up to your calibre of scripting for radio..."
"Very smooth, Sherwood."
"...so I went for the novel angle. It could easily be made into a big movie. I think it works quite well."
Betty nodded as she turned back to the first page. "Of course, you’d think that. But would anyone else connect something you did with the word ‘work’?"
Scott prentended to be shocked. "Why, Betty Roberts, how could you be so cruel as to hurt me like that?"
Betty grinned at Scott, saying, "Oh, it’s quite easy. I just look at you and think ‘pain’."
"Of the ‘My heart aches to be with you’ type?"
"No, of the ‘How can I destroy Scott Sherwood today’ type."
"Aw, Betty, I know you don’t mean it," Scott said with a devious grin plastered on his face.
Betty smiled back. "Well, let me take a look at your... ‘epic’... " she said smoothly.
"By all means, read on, Betty Roberts," Scott invited.
And Betty began to read...
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
WENN Wars
By Scott Sherwood
Episode IV
A New Hope
The little spaceship desperately zoomed towards the planet, hoping to evade the big lumbering starship speeding behind it. The big starship caught up to the little ship, and docked with it.
Inside the little ship, two robots were moving down a corridor. The corridor shook with the ship’s motion, then stopped, and was still. The taller robot, humanoid, female, was covered in gold, with gold clothing, and a gold hat with a gold feather sticking out of it. Due to some manufacturing fluke, the gold robot always seemed to be looking down its nose. The taller robot, Hil-RE, looked down at its companion, a smaller, more squat robot, that rolled along on its wheels.
"Did you hear that, JF-RE?" Hil-RE said indignantly. "They’ve caught us. This is all your fault. You and that vile villain! How could you ever have been duped by such a worthless, vicious, ugly... Oh, I can’t bear to even think of that evil person!"
JF-RE beeped and chirped meekly. It knew better than to disagree with Hil-RE when the golden droid was in one of its artificially simulated moods.
"That’s it! If we get out of this, we are through!" Hil-RE ranted. "We will never be counterparts again, do you hear me?"
JF-RE beeped quietly once more. The two robots moved further down the corridor.
***
Meanwhile, at the hatchway connecting the two ships, there was a sudden, booming explosion, and evil, white-uniformed troops rushed out of the hatchway, rayguns blazing. They mowed down what little resistance there was from the smaller ship’s crew. They hurried after the fleeing rebels. The troops remaining near the hatchway snapped to attention as their leader emerged from the hatchway into the smaller ship. Clad in black, with a black cape, and a black hat, Darth Pavla paused, surveying the scene and the bodies. Then she moved on, further into the smaller ship.
***
Hil-RE and JF-RE had reached an intersection, and they each turned. Hil-RE went left, and JF-RE went right. Neither noticed the other had gone the other way.
***
The troops continued to hunt down the rebels, capturing the ones who surrendered, and using other methods for those that didn’t surrender. As they reached the bridge, Darth Pavla entered behind the troops, and they took control of the small ship.
***
Hil-RE and JF-RE had found each other again. And once again, Hil-RE was berating JF-RE. "...and what on EARTH were you doing with that young woman I just saw you with? Oh, don’t try to deny it. If I ever catch her near you again, I am going to--"
Hil-RE broke off as a huge explosion erupted nearby. Hil-RE and JF-RE quickly dashed into the escape pod they were next to, and the escape pod blasted off.
***
Darth Pavla threw the captain of the small ship aside. One of the white-clad troops rushed up to Darth Pavla.
"M’lady, we have captured Princess Bettia. The documents were not with her. There was an escape pod that jettisoned during the fighting, but no life forms were aboard. Rumor has it there were two robots in the vicinity. We are guessing Princess Bettia sent the documents with the robots in the escape pod."
Darth Pavla nodded. "Good work. Follow that pod, and get those documents. I must have them!"
The troop nodded, bowed obediently, and rushed away.
***
The escape pod had landed on the nearby planet of Tattoowenn, a dry, desert planet. The two robots had survived the crash. However, once again, Hil-RE and JF-RE had split up, and were not talking to each other. JF-RE went towards the rocky area, while Hil-RE, in a ridiculous show of false bravado, chose to head the other direction, through the sandy dunes. Eventually, both were captured by the same little creatures, the Yayas. The Yayas collected all sorts of robots, and went from farm to farm, selling their finds. They stopped at the next farm after picking up Hil-RE and JF-RE.
A tall man, Victor Skystock, and his uncle, Owenn Bloom, approached the Yayas, and chose a couple of robots to buy. Amongst their purchases were Hil-RE and JF-RE. Uncle Owenn told Victor to clean up the droids, then come for supper.
Victor took Hil-RE and JF-RE to the cleaning chamber. "Hello, I’m Victor Skystock," Victor said to introduce himself.
"Hello, sir," Hil-RE said, "and I am Hil-RE, of course."
Victor nodded, and looked at Hil-RE’s companion. The short robot beeped somewhat impatiently. Hil-RE sighed, and said, "Oh, all right, and this JF-RE, my counterpart..." And she added under her breath, "...but not for long..."
Victor nodded again. "Excellent. Well, let’s clean you two up, and get you in tip-top shape for tomorrow. You’ve got a lot of work ahead of you."
"Work?" Hil-RE exclaimed. "Sir, I do not just work at the drop of a hat. What is our incentive? Our reward for the work we might do?"
Victor looked at her and said, "Well, didn’t you know? You don’t get anything, it’s a non-paying job." He bent over and scratched at some dirt on JF-RE. As Hil-RE was about to reply angrily, a burst of light leapt from a panel on JF-RE.
A young, beautiful woman’s image was projected into the air by the light from JF-RE. It spoke. "Help me, Gertie-Wan Kenobreece... You’re my only hope..." The image blurred, then jumped. "Help me, Gertie-Wan Kenobreece... You’re my only hope..." Once again, the image jumped and repeated.
Victor was entranced. The woman was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. Not that one sees a lot of women on a desolate desert planet, but still, he knew she was gorgeous. He quietly said, "Who is she? She’s quite an attractive young woman."
Hil-RE glanced at the image, and sniffed. "Oh, a passenger on the ship we escaped from. A princess, I think. Not anywhere near as important as myelf, of course, but..."
"She looks like a bright young lady. She could certainly brighten up things around here, I don’t mind telling you." Victor nodded as he appraised the image of the princess.
Suddenly the image blanked out, and the room was silent. "What happened?" Victor asked.
JF-RE beeped and chirped, and Hil-RE sighed. "Very well, I’ll translate again for you. He says it’s a private message for his former master, this Gertie-Wan Kenobreece. I don’t know what he’s talking about, I’ve certainly never had a ‘master’, he must be mistaken..."
A voice cried out from outside. "Victor! Supper!"
"OK, I’ll be right there, Aunt Eugie!" Victor called back. "Well, I’ll be back shortly. Don’t go wandering off or anything." He left, and headed for supper.
Hil-RE glanced at JF-RE, crossed her arms, and looked away. "Hmph!"
***
Of course, when Victor came back from supper, the little robot, JF-RE, had run off. Victor and Hil-RE waited until morning to follow him, as it was too dangerous with the Landrupeople around. They eventually found JF-RE in a rocky valley. As Hil-RE was berating JF-RE for running off, they were attacked by Landrupeople. Victor was knocked unconscious, JF-RE hid in the rocks, and Hil-RE was knocked out.
The Landrupeople kicked Victor aside and started taking attacking Victor’s speeder. Suddenly a great screeching, howling noise roared all around them, echoing off the rocky walls of the valley. The Landrupeople saw a dark, strange, yelling form heading their way, and beat a hasty retreat. The dark figure approached the unconscious Victor, and helped him wake up. Victor’s eyes lit up as he saw who it was. "Ms. Kenobreece! It is certainly great to see you. This droid," he said, indicating JF-RE, "claims that someone named Gertie-Wan Kenobreece was its master. Are you perhaps related to this Gertie-Wan person? My uncle informed me that this Gertie-Wan Kenobreece had already passed on."
Ms. Kenobreece nodded. "Of course I know Gertie-Wan," she said rather smugly. "How many Kenobreeces do you think there are? It’s not exactly a common name. It’s me, silly. I’m Gertie-Wan."
Gertie-Wan paused, as they heard the Landrupeople shouting, and coming closer. They picked up Hil-RE and JF-RE, packed into Victor’s speeder, and headed for Gertie-Wan Kenobreece’s home.
Gertie-Wan Kenobreece eased herself down onto her favorite chair in her little home. The young whippersnapper Victor Skystock plopped down across from her and started brushing the dirt off of Hil-RE’s golden skin.
Gertie-Wan sighed. "I know what you’re gonna ask. Yes, I knew your father. He gave me something to pass along to you. Let me get it for you." Gertie-Wan stood up, carefully, stretching her back. "These bones just aren’t as young as they used to be..." She murmured to herself.
Gertie-Wan opened up a big chest on the other side of the room. She dug around inside of it for a few minutes, tossing out pieces of junk, an old telephone, cables and wires, a headset, and some old dresses. Suddenly she cried out, "Ah!"
"What is it?" Victor asked, somewhat anxiously.
"My back, there it went again. Could you help me up, Victor?" Victor went over to help Gertie-Wan stand up, wincing as he heard her bones creaking. "Thank you, young man."
Gertie-Wan produced a slim, wand-like device from behind her back. "Ta-daa!" She proclaimed. She passed it to Victor.
"What is it?" Victor asked, befuddled.
"You’re father’s microphone. It was the weapon of a Radio Knight. Not as clumsy or random as a megaphone. An elegant weapon from a more civilized age..."
Victor handled the microphone gently, swinging it around in arcs. He spoke into it. "Testing, testing, one, two, three..."
Gertie-Wan rolled her eyes, and snatched the microphone out of Victor’s hands. "Don’t play with that until you know how to use it properly!" She said, shaking her finger at him. "Hey, aren’t I supposed to be seeing some message you brought in that robot of yours?"
"Oh, uh, yes, that’s correct." Victor bent down to look right at JF-RE. "Excuse me, sir, would you mind playing back the entire message for Ms. Kenobreece here?"
JF-RE chirped cheerily, and beamed the image of Princess Bettia into the air. The image spoke...
"General Kenobreece. Years ago you served my father in the Frequency Wars. Now he begs you to help him again. I have placed documents vital to the survival of the Rebels into this robot here. You must get this robot safely to my home planet of Barbican. Help me, Gertie-Wan Kenobreece, you’re my only hope." The imaged fizzled, and faded away.
Gertie-Wan paused, then looked at Victor. "You must come with me to Barbican, and learn the ways of the AFRA."
Victor shook his head, "I’m afraid not, I’ve got to go to Wash--"
"Oh, cut that out! Anyone would think you’re not a regular anymore!"
***
Victor, Gertie-Wan, Hil-RE and JF-RE had made their way to the nearby Mos Elkhart spaceport, and entered one of its seedy cantinas. All sorts of riff-raff filled the underground room. Even out-of-work actors. Gertie-Wan started hunting for a pilot to get them off Tattoowenn and take them to Barbican. She approached a promising prospect, a tall, furry creature standing near the bar.
"Hello!" Gertie-Wan said cheerily. "We need a spaceship, do you know anyone who can help us?"
The tall creature paused, then nodded silently. He gestured to a corner booth, inviting Gertie-Wan and Victor to join him and the man who was seated in the booth.
The man in the booth looked up from his drink. His bright face faltered slightly as he saw what was heading his way, but he decided to see what happened. "Hi there!" He said, grinning. "I’m Scott Solo, captain of the Monongahela Falcon. Foleybacca here tells me you’re looking for a ship? Well, have I got a deal for you!"
Gertie-Wan looked hard at Scott, and said firmly, "We can pay you 2,000 now, plus 15,000, when we reach Barbican."
Scott nodded, and whistled. "That’s a lotta dough... Well, I can’t argue with money! You’ve got yourselves a ship. We’ll meet at Docking Bay 9614."
***
Several minutes later, after selling Victor’s speeder to get the cash they needed, Gertie-Wan, Victor, and the robots strolled into Docking Bay 9614. Victor took a look at Scott’s ship, the Monongahela Falcon, and paused. "That is quite an unsafe looking example of the type of unsavory craft one does not want to be caught flying in if one can avoid it."
Scott bristled at the remark. "Hey, she’s pretty fast. She does OK. Now, just get on board, and let’s get out of here." His passengers boarded, and Scott rolled his eyes at his co-pilot, Foleybacca. As he was ascending the ramp himself, he noticed a group of white-uniformed troopers rush into the Docking Bay. "Whoops!" He said, "Foley, get us out of here!" He shut the hatchway once he was inside, and rushed up to the cockpit. The Falcon blasted off, leaving the planet Tattoowenn behind in quite a hurry.
***
Bursting back into realspace after journeying through hyperspace for a while, the Monongahela Falcon ran into a bunch of debris. It was all that was left of the planet Barbican. Lurking nearby was the dreaded Imperial Dismal Star, which had destroyed the planet moments earlier. The Dismal Star caught the Falcon in a tractor beam, and effortlessly pulled the craft inside one of its bays...
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