JACK EPSTEIN'S
I know I haven't done a Top 10 in years, but with the recent
shilling by Tammy Sytch on ebay.com; I can't resist!!!!
Here are the Top 10 Personal Items for Tammy Sytch to Sell!
1..... Official Crack Pipe.... You can see her lipstick marks from
her luscious lips. In addition, you can still see some crack dust left
over. Tammy will sign this for you at no extra cost.... $400
2..... The Shitty Salad.... While working with the WWF, one of
the wrestlers decided to take a shit in Tammy's salad. Fortunately
for you, she kept it! It has been kept fresh in tupperware for 2 years.
Who's shit is it? Shawn Michaels? Faarooq's? Who knows!
In addition, Tammy will sign the tupperware for no extra cost.... $1,000
3..... A Used Tampon..... This is from 1998. It is a used Kotex Light
Days. Here is your chance to get REALLY intimate with the former
"most downloaded AOL personality" without her even being there!
In addition, Tammy will sign the outer edge of the tampon for
no extra cost..... $50
4..... Used Bandages..... Earlier this year, Tammy brutally attacked her
mother in her home. As a result, Tammy recieved a restraining order
and a bandage on her bruised knuckles. Tammy has kept the bandages,
and is offering it all to you all at a great price! In addition, Tammy
will sign the bandages at no extra cost...... $100
5..... Her soul..... Yep folks, this is for real! You can actually OWN
Tammy's soul. She wouldn't sell it to Vince McMahon, but she will sell it to the
highest bidder! Assign her to eternal damnation, make her dyke out with Nicole
Bass, or even make her listen to Master P cds! Do whatever you want with it!
In addition, Tammy will sign a document naming you the owner of her
soul..... $4.99
6..... Chris Candido's Head on a Stick..... Hate the former Bodydonna?
Feel that he is a roided out freak in denial? Well, Tammy will actually
CUT HIS HEAD OFF (oj style), place it on a stick, and PRESENT
it to you in person! This is the real deal folks. In addition, Tammy
will sign his forehead at no extra cost..... $8,000
7..... World's Greatest Grandpa Shirt... This is a store bought shirt
that Tammy actually went to the store and bought! She purchased it for
her grandfather and it was too small on him. In addition, she lost
the reciept for it and the store wouldn't accept it back. Now you can
present this to your favorite Grandpa on any occasion!
In addition, Tammy will autograph the shirt at no extra cost..... $100
8.... Blowjobs..... Ever dreamed of having Tammy's lips on your johnson?
Wanna be treated like her crackpipe (see item #1)??? Here is your chance!
For once, you can be treated like the WWF Bookers and Candido all in
one blowjob..... $25..... For an extra $10 she will swallow!
9.... The Restraining Order.... Here is your chance to own the OFFICIAL
Restraining Order handed down to Tammy from her mother. This is a
one of a kind item, and definitely has potential to rise in value. Don't
miss out! In addition, Tammy will personally autograph it...... $10,000
10..... Dignity.... I'm sorry folks, Tammy no longer has this item for
sale anymore. Ebay.com has pulled it off due to "false advertising".
Sorry for your inconvience.
"You mean wrestling is fake?" --- Jack Epstein
Yes RSPW, after overwhelming demand for a new Top 10 list; I have caved in.
Its been a couple months since I posted a top 10; so enjoy it!!!
EPSTEIN Girls, do your thing!
Today's Top 10 are the INDICATORS THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO BE FIRED...
1. After you get squashed by a mid carder, you're asked to dress up as a druid, or a member of the riot squad.
2. You decline to do rear-end work at Brisco Bros. garage with Pat Patterson.
3. You're forced to spend all your time hanging out with the pit crew on WCW Motorsports.
4. FedEX makes regular trips to your house with mysterious letters.
5. You're sent down to ECW to put over TAZ.
6. You're giving exclusive interviews to PWI, Wrestling Superstars, and the other mark mags.
7. You're written out of a feud with a mysterious 'injury'.
8. You're a regular on WCW Worldwide.
9. Hulk Hogan doesn't like you.
10. You're responsible for every WCW PPV from 1995, the Gobbedly Gooker, T.L. Hopper, Freddie Joe Floyd, Los Boricuas, Renegade winning the
TV belt, and the AWF.
Thats it folks, enjoy, laugh, discuss, critique, mock, and flame... But necessarily in that particular order...
"You mean wrestling is fake?" --- Jack Epstein
Happy Festivus (geez, you guys are picky ;) ANOTHER TOP 10 List........ ;)
I'm sorry that didn't include all of you who celebrate that timeless holiday, Festivus, in my "Happy Holidays" post. While we are on the topic of Festivus,
let me celebrate it the only way that JACK EPSTEIN knows how.... By yelling at everyone in this newsgroup (aka RSPW)!
1). Hey Conn MacIntosh, your .sig file pisses me off! Change it!
2). I hate all of you who can't sense sarcasm.
3). I hate people who come on this newsgroup and proclaim themselves an ICON. Whats even worse, some posters put their name in the subject line
so they can feed their own egos! This is a wrestling newsgroup dammit!
4). WCW still sucks. WWF is still #1. We've got Rocky Mavia & Jeff Jarrett, and you don't!
5). Hey Jeff Amdur. You're too f*ckin' nice! Flame somebody, dammit!
6). All you women posters have no right to post on this newsgroup! Go back into the kitchen and make us all some food!
7). Pillman isn't dead! He's just resting.
8). Vince is GOD! He can take ANYONE and make them into a star. Mark my words, Kurregan will be BIG in a couple years!
9). Don't you all know that I have patented the top 10 list? David Letterman pays me royalties. I will sic the Jewish mafia (bunch of lawyers) on you if
I ever see another Top 10 post in RSPW. jWo 4 Life. Chocolate Matza is just too sweeeeeet!
10). I get eight days of presents, instead of your one night... jWo 4 Life.
Knowing my luck, I'm gonna get flamed for this post. Well, my ISP is AT&T Worldnet.
--- JUST TO LET YOU ALL KNOW, I WAS SARCASTIC ABOUT EVERY THING I JUST SAID, EXCEPT FOR #6. I'M VERY HUNGRY---
Happy Festivus Everyone! I encourage all of you to "celebrate" this holiday!
TOP 10 Things that would make me MARK OUT!
Jack's back wit' anutha top 10 list, beeeeeeotch!
Here are the top 10 things in wrestling that would make me mark out....
Hit the Music!
Yadda, yadda, yadda.....
1). Chris Jericho shows up next week on Nitro telling WCW fans that in exchange for all those tuxedo
coats, David Pinzer gave him some head. Jericho pulls a mannequin head similar to Al Snow's, and says
that Pinzer also gave him a mannequin head.Fans start chanting, "Head! Head! Head! Head! Head! Head!"
2). Goldust shows up at the Royal Rumble dressed up as Hulk Hogan. The music starts, Dustin comes
down to ringside with a bald cap and a Dust-a-mania T-Shirt. Vader proceeds to set Goldust on fire much
to the delight of wrestling fans everywhere.
3). The Full Blooded Italians entance. I always mark out for the FBI.... Always. The flag of Italy with a
picture of Tommy Rich in the center of it is classic.
4). If the Sultan comes out on RAW and proclaims that he's not an Arab... He's not a savage. He's a man.
He's only trying to make a difference. John Tenta shows up on RAW and tells Sultan that he's the real MAN
of professional wrestling. Dugganfan1 marks out. When Dugganfan1 marks out, Jack Epstein marks out.... always.
5). Mike Tyson comes into the ring to give an interview on RAW, but ends up tripping over the middle
rope and falls on his face. Millions of wrestling fans start laughing at the baddest man on the planet,
while Tyson starts to cry. Tyson whimpers that "it isn't funny". Ahmed Johnson appears on the video wall
calling Tyson a "Tweety bird wannabe". The closed captioning system self destructs. Obviously all these
years of Dusty Rhodes' commentating has taken its toll.
6). Tony Schivonie begins Nitro by saying "Fans, we're out of time" to save us all 2 hours.
7). Brian Pillman does a run in during a Steve Austin match, and gets on the mic and says that all of you
"smart marks" have been worked by the loose cannon. Boy, that Pillman is a master of mind games.
8). A New Jack vs. Sabu "exploding thumbtack barbed wire scorpion pit fire colostomy bag death" match....
9). If Kurregan would start showing us a little more skin. Especially if he wears those Ahmed tights.
Kurregan has hidden his excellent body from us for long enough. First it was the shirt... and now... Oh my
god! I didn't actually write that, did I? I must be going insane from all these top 10 lists. I have a better one
for #9.... Steve Austin starts his own psychic hotline....
Austin: Speak up dammit, you're on the air.
Caller: Will I ever find love?
Austin: No, you're a jackass, and thats the bottom line, because Stone Cold said so. Next Caller.
10). Vince McMahon is standing in the ring and Repo Man, Damien Demento, Max Moon, Gobeldy
Gooker, Red Rooster, Abe "Knuckleball" Schwartz, Doink, Duke "Dumpster" Droese, Flash Funk, T.L.
Hopper, and Freddie Joe Floyd attack him. they tie him up and burn him alive while La Parka, Stevie Richards,
and Ric Flair all strut in the ring! Afterwards, La Parka invites everyone in attendence to come to one of
his famous parties back stage on Nitro. Lizmark Jr. and Villano IV are the team to beat in Beer Pong.....
Like the list? If you didn't you're a selfish jerk who's incapable of loving anyone else but yourself.
"You mean wrestling is fake?" --- Jack Epstein
TOP 12 WRESTLERS WHO GIVE THE BEST INTERVIEWS!!!!
Interviews are an important part of watching wrestling on TV, they hype up matches, keep us glued to
the TV, and add a comical side to the wrestling character. I feel these are the top 12 wrestlers who give the
best interviews.
12. Leif Cassidy... This guy, who basically never given an interview and has virtually no wins, deserves the
#12 spot, because simply of his "dorky" antics. Whenever he says "Keep on Rockin'" he puts me in stiches.
(Hold me back Marty! Hold me back!).
11. Sid... This is probably the most intense interviewee in the history of wrestling. He acts like a total
psycho, even as a face, and thats what draws the fans closer to him. Tell me truth, have you ever seen him
speak calmly in the past two years? I guess not.
10. Disco Inferno... Probably the worst wrestler in WCW, and probably has the worst win/loss record. But
he just plays his character out so perfectly, he's a lock for #10. (C'mon an join the Shake your Booty Tour!)
9. Goldust... In WCW, he was boring, in the WWF he's bizarre. Tell me the truth, how can he say all of
those "gay" lines, and movie references without laughing at himself? Now thats talent! (He needs mouth to mouth!)
8. Sting... Even though I dislike his goody-goody attitude, the fans love him. He knows how to push just the
right buttons, and gets the crowd going. (Owwwwwwwww!)
7. Ric Flair... No need to explain myself! Wooooo!
6. Jerry Lawler... The King is extremely funny, his jokes are sharp, and he makes a better commentator
than Heenan ever did. His King of the Ring '96 Ring entrance was one of the funniest things I have heard in
my life (glad to see you off the streets for a change, whats the matter, strip club closed tonight?)
5. Steve Austin... He was my least favorite Wreslter in WCW, now he's one of my favorites. He knows how
to play a man you love to hate. His stint in ECW just proved that he had charcter. (Austin 3:16 said
I just whipped your ass!!!)
4. Cactus Jack... Not Mankind, but the original from Truth or Consequences. At the end of his tenure in
ECW, he gave the greatest interviews I have ever heard. Bang, Bang! (Oh no! Vader just ducked my
clothesline,
my heads caught in the ropes! Mikey!!! Ahhhhh!! Owww! my ear {he said this while playing with a
Mr. Potato Head doll w/ one ear!})
3. Diesel/Kevin Nash... BDC has a lot of charcter, it was proven when he turned heel. On Monday Night
Raw (4/8/96), he did commentary during the "Boy Toy's" Match, and said "Hey isn't everybody in the clique"
while wearing a cheezy Shawn Michaels T-Shirt. His WCW charcter is great also (Send in the clowns!!!!)
2. Stevie Richards... Dancin' Stevie (putz) is just plain hysterical, from his Fabulous Ones impersonations
to his hardcore-wannabe antics he lines up #2 (Sandman, I'm gonna kick your hiney! Joey Styles, don't you
sensor that because you know that I'm Hardcore!)
1. Brian F"N Pillman... In every possible league, he gives a cussing, hardcore interview. In fact, he has
been given a weekly interview segment on Raw, which I think they should call "The loose Cannon's firing
range". This guy even made Bobby Hennan say "What the fuck are you doing" during the Clash of the Champions,
now theres talent!!!!!!!
Any responses? E-Mail me at Jack Epstein V8-Jag@worldnet.att.net
TOP TEN NEW WWF MERCHANDISE
Nice list Idolishead, but I'm gonna have to give you a little competition here.... so yadda, yadda, yadda.
10). Sable's Sillycone Implants... Just like Silly Putty, but its Sillycone! Take it to work with you, copy
newspaper printing with it, or bounce it! You can always be a "Wildman" with this new toy.
9). Owen Hart Speech Kit... Thats right wrestling fans! Tired of your flawless grasp of the English
language? Have you ever wanted to kick your leg out of your leg? Well, now you can with the "Owen Hart
Speech Kit". Now you can give those great interviews like "I beat you, just like I beat you..."
NOTE: Cuecards not included.
8). The Vader Watch... Have your friends ever asked what time it is, and you always say its 6:00 p.m.? Are
you sick and tired of not having some smart ass thing to say?!? Well, who isn't? But now with the VaderTime
watch, you'll always have the last laugh. The hands on the watch are just like Vader's hand sign (the big hand
is the one w/ the middle finger), so next time your friends want to know the time, just stick your watch in their
face and say, "Its Vader Time".
7). "Jerry Lawler is NOT my Dad"... Read Brian Christopher's first novel. It discusses his days in Memphis,
how he got the name "Too Sexy", and his feelings about the Gulf War.
6). Glen Jacobs Amnesia Kit... No longer will you have an identity crisis. No longer will you imagine
yourself as an extremely tall dentist, or a unibomber, or even a 7' monster. Thats right folks, with this kit,
you will ALWAYS remember who you are!
5). Mick Boley Band Aids... Sick of those painful cuts and bruises you get after jumping off a 10 ft. ladder
into barbed wire? Unhappy with getting thrown onto a bed of nails? Upset with being repeatedly
powerbombed into thumbtacks? Well, who isn't? But now, you can heal those cuts up to 1.5x
faster with the "Mick Foley Band Aid!". Endorsed by Truth or Consequences very own Mick Foley, each
Band Aid measures 3" x 1". But thats not it! They come assorted designs! The smiley face (also says "have a nice day"),
Cactus (also says "Bang Bang"), or a big heart (also says "Owwwww, Have mercy"). Collect all 3 today!
4). Brian Pillman sings the Hits from the 80's... Sratchy... Hoarse... Symphonic... All these words describe
the Loose Cannon's voice. And Now.... You get to hear 74 minutes of it if you buy "BRIAN PILLMAN
sings the 80's". Thats right! Hear Pillman's rythmic voice as he sings.....
EVERYBODY WANG CHUNG TONIGHT
DON'T STOP TILL YOU GET ENOUGH
EVERYBODY WANTS TO RULE THE WORLD
THATS WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR
DO YOU COME FROM A LAND DOWN UNDER?
ELECTRIC SLIDE
............. AND MORE!
So what are you waiting for? Get you copy today! NOTE: the WWF and Pillman are not responsible for
any seizures any listeners might have when listing to this album. Nor are we responsible for: The Red
Rooster, The Gobeldy Gooker, Diesel 2, Razor 2, Bastion Booger, Bushwackers, and The Goon.
3). Steve Austin "Insult Machine"... Remember those little devices from the 80's? You press a button and it
hurls an insult at you? Well, Steve Austin has come out with his own device, called the "Steve Austin Insult
Machine". Press a button and it says "I'll whip your ass", "Thats the bottom line", "You suck", "You look
like a jackass", "Austin 3:16", or "You're a freak". You'll enjoy hours and hours with this nifty little
device! NOTE: The WWF and Steve Austin are not resonsible for the suicidesof the owners of this device.
Nor are we responsible for: The Bodydonnas,Jesse James, Mantaur, Vader, T.L. Hopper, and Freddie Joe Floyd.
2). Ahmed Johnson "Crash Test Dummy"... Now you don't have to be watching RAW to see Ahmed
Johnson get hurt! Throw the "Dummy" against the wall, kick it in its kidney, break its thumb with a table,
and brawl with the dummy! And if you buy now, you'll get the special edition pre-NOD "Wedgie
Tights" Ahmed. Act now!
1). HBK Injury Kit... Don't want to job clean at the next PPV? Have you lost your smile? Can't get along
with any wrestler except for HHH? Well now, you don't have to come up with these lame excuses
anymore! Thats right, he HBK injury kit will do it all for you! Now your boss will have
no way of doubting
your sincerity when you show up to work with "bruises" on your face, and bandages on your knees!
Touche, Idolishead. Now its your turn! :)
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Email: v8-jag@worldnet.att.net
