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The Joke Zone "LA Driver Test" |
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Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in L.A., you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area. Here it is below: GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION: Name:______________ Stage name:________________ Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________ Sex:___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ____both If female, indicate breast implant size: ____ Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___ Please list brand of cell phone: _____________. (If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.) Please check hair color: Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply) [ ] Eating [ ] Applying make-up [ ] Talking on the phone [ ] Slapping kids in the backseat [ ] Having sex [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs [ ] Tanning [X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application) [ ] Watching TV [ ] Reading Variety [ ] Surfing the net via laptop Please indicate how many times: a) you expect to shoot at other drivers, and b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving. TEST If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately: a) Call the police to report the crime; b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news on a high-speed chase; c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through; d) Call your therapist; e) None of the above (South Central residents only). In the event of an earthquake, should you: a) stop your car, b) keep driving and hope for the best, c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones, or d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4? In the instance of rain, you should: a) never drive over 5 MPH, b) drive twice as fast as usual, or c) you're not sure what "rain" is. Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____. Are you presently taking any of the following medications? a) Prozac; b) Zovirax; c) Lithium; d) Zanax; e) Valium. If none, please explain: __________________. Length of daily commute: a) 1 hour; b) 2 hours; c) 3 hours; d) 4 hours or more. When stopped by police, should you a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready, b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405, c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit? |
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