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and I am just borrowing them to write a story. This
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The Diary
Written By Dianna M., Please get my permission to repost this anywhere.
Kiann3@aol.com
Feb 20, 99
Well, I never thought I would start a Diary again, however I do not want to take any chances of getting in the shape I was 5 years ago. I swore to myself that I would never let this happen again. Then again I had also promised myself not to be hurt by Doug again, I cannot believe that he still just left with his Jeep packed. Though there is some hope as he left most of his things here, I dread the day he sends the packers or asks me to pack the rest of his stuff and send it to him. Why could he not just stay here? At least we had one last night together and I will cling to that night as long as I can. I can still feel his caresses and him begging me to come with him and my tears of regret that I just cannot leave my home. I am just scared that with his current state of mind and actions that he may regress to the old Doug and I would be stuck on the West Coast all alone. I would never let Doug know this I think he would leave and never come back. I have decided to take a week off work to try to come to terms with this. I just do not want to see the looks of pity from everyone, not to mention that having to see my Clinic being taken over but I know it will be in good hands.
March 1, 99
Ten days and it feels like he just left yesterday. I did get his letter today of his new phone number and address. He is thinking of buying a home and says he is looking for the perfect family home and hopes that I will reconsider and that he loves me. Then in the next sentence he tells me that we need to maybe take time and to wait a month to talk on the phone. A month oh God I do not know if I can go this long without hearing his voice. Well, I guess I can look that it is only 20 days left and I can call him and hear his voice. Though I am also terrified what he could be doing in this time. I am so tired, yet I cannot sleep, I know my coworkers are worried but I am doing pretty well keeping myself busy at work and avoiding casual conversation. Oh, God how I love Doug, but I know in many ways he is doing the right thing and starting a new life and career out West. Well, I think I will try to sleep, as I need to be in work in 3 hours for another 12-hour day plus whatever I can put in at the clinic to help Lynnette with the overload.
March 11, 99
We have been swamped with Flu cases in the ER this week, even though I had the flu shot I am beginning to worry that I am coming down with the flu, won't they be happy at work to hear that I need time off for the flu. To top it off my cycle is do to start tomorrow just another reminder of failure, I think that the Home Shopping network is one of the most interesting shows on anymore at least there are no happy endings. Well, I better go try to eat something and get to bed.
March 13, 99
I cannot believe I am sitting here and contemplating using this test that Doug bought 6 months ago, then I was 3 days late, however this time I am going on 2 days late and here I am thinking of trying this test. I know all the signs of pregnancy and after thinking today I have most of them. Oh Lord, well I guess I will try this test since I need to use the restroom for the hundredth time today.
Well, only 3 more minutes, so far the test has shown the test window with a bright pink color, Oh my gosh I cannot believe this I can see some pink in the main window and it is getting brighter. God, I should be sitting here with Doug and celebrating this with him, and I can only sit here and look at a phone and try to hold off for another 7 days to call him. God when I do call what will I say, ohh Doug by the way I am pregnancy and still want to stay in Chicago so I guess this is another child you will never get to know. God what do I do now, I need to let Corday know so she knows I cannot do squad runs and other duties that will need to be changed. It has been awhile since we have had a nurse expecting in the ER, it will not take to long for people to put 1+1 together and get 2. I just pray that I do not actually get morning sickness and it only stays as a nauseated felling. Well, I will make this promise to myself no more trying to get by with 2 or 3 hours of sleep I want this baby.
March 20 99
Well, the last few days have been insane, now I can understand why some of my clinic patience looked like Hell when they came in for there visits and why those with kids would tell me to just wait until I had my 1st. Mark is really pushing to know what is going on, he knows something is up, I felt so bad telling him I had a headache when he came in and saw me taking my prenatal vitamins and asked what I was doing. How I wanted to say I am not stupid enough to take my life again especially when I have a new life in me right now. After the super long day and 50 trips to the restroom, and finally finding out morning sickness does not understand the time of day, I finally got to talk to Corday. Well, actually I had no choice she saw me looking a little green and followed me to the restroom she was great got me a wash cloth and asked if it was something other than the flu? I looked at her and broke down finally and told her I wanted to tell her when I came on but all hell was breaking loose so I had to wait. Boy the look I got was one of confusion then of surprise, when I told her I was a month pregnant. She did not know what to say and neither did I. Though, I did ask her to keep this between us for now, as Doug did not know and if she told anyone and it got back to Mark then he would tell Doug. I want to be the one to tell him and in person not over the phone. Though like she told me both Kerry and Mark were already concerned about her bathroom trips and nausea and moodiness and it would not take long until they figured it out, especially when I would start to show, plus I would need prenatal visits. I told her I was thinking of going to visit Doug next month and tell him in person. Corday finally agreed but as she said if asked point blank by Kerry or Mark should would tell them to come to me for my health issue. I told her that would be fine and Thanks.
God, now if only my insomnia would come back a little just to help me get through my shifts. I think that I can understand much better why some patients would get mad when I mentioned the bland diet to help with the morning sickness. If one more person offers me real food or brings in real food I will scream. I figure in another 6 weeks and I should be able to have real food again I hope. Till then crackers, Jell-O, and milk and pudding are my best friends. Hmm the doorbell is ringing I wonder who it is. Well, I will get back to this later, hmmm I think maybe I will just change this into a Diary for Doug and baby so that we can look at this and remember.
Love Ya Little One:)
March 21, 99
Well, I have Mark now sworn to secrecy, I wonder how long that will last. Well, Little One when the doorbell rang last night it was Mark Greene with a bag of Chinese (oh grease yeah just what I needed). Well as soon as he walked in I did my best to hide my bodies immediate reaction of loosing the crackers I had just managed to keep down, and told him to put the stuff in the kitchen and I would be right back. Of course he hears me vomiting in the bathroom and comes in to ask if I am ok, and then I realized I had forgot to put up my bottle of prenatal vitamins I had just gotten. Of course it only took him 2 seconds to put in together, when I looked up and saw the grin on his face I was not sure what to say or do. Then he tells me sorry that if he had known then he would have brought over mild soup and crackers. Then he said he had thought something was up since she was constantly running to the bathroom and looked a little worn out, and even admitted that he was concerned that she was getting depressed over Doug. Then the next thing that came out did not surprise me; he wanted to know what Doug though of being a Daddy? That is when I lost it, Mark realized without me saying a word that I had not told Doug yet. I told Mark I did not want Doug to feel that I was trying to force him back to Chicago yet I am not ready to leave here. I told him I had just found out about a week ago. He was sweet enough to go in the Kitchen and take the Chinese out of the house and then offered to make me some soup. I accepted, and we talked about how I was going to tell Doug and when and he told me about Jenn and her pregnancy with Rachel. He also reminded me that I needed to be careful cause if Doug would find out through a 3rd Party then he may misunderstand my intentions. Gosh tell me something I do not know I told him I wanted to take a couple weeks off next month hopefully to go visit him in Washington, and promised I would call him as soon as I could.
Well, I have left 2 messages for Doug and I am getting scared, as he is not calling me back. God how will I handle being a single mom, I was convinced that Doug would always be here and now I am starting to worry.
God please let him call me tonight.
March 25,99
Well, I have my first sonogram scheduled for April 5th. Dr Harison wants to make sure my dates are accurate. I cannot believe I already have a small belly and I have to wear my surgical scrub type of clothes so I can try to keep this hush just a little longer. Boy the last thing I need is for Doug to finally call the hospital and someone asks him how he feels about the news. Then again who knows when or if he will ever call. Maybe he wants a new life entirely including a new parenter. Well, the morning sickness is getting better and Corday has been great at allowing me to work the night shift, which for me seems to work best. Though I think some of the staff thinks I could use Doug around to cool my mood swings. If I was not wrong I think they were taking bets on me. Now I just need to find out what the bet is. Well, if the bet is how long before I find someone else then they will all loose as I do not think I will ever LOVE anyone as I love Doug, so Little One just know no matter what your mommy and daddy love you. Seeing those words make this so real, Mommy and Daddy, now if I could only see him to tell him.
March 31,99
I cannot believe this Doug and I are having the worst luck, he has called 5 times in 2 days and 2 times I was in the restroom and he was called away, and the other 3 I was in Trauma. Please God let Doug know that I really do love him, is all I can pray Little One. Well, Little One I sent your Daddy a huge card and told him how much we loved him. Ok so I used I but very soon I will be putting the word we in there. I got vacation for April 6th until April 9th I know that is only 3 days however it is better than none. I have the plane tickets to Washington sitting right here. Dr Harison has already promised me all the photos I want of you to take to your Daddy, I am so happy she understands my situation and keeps this quiet, though after April 6th when I can tell your Daddy I do not care, the whole world can know. Well, this will be a fun weekend I will be working all weekend I just did not want to spend Easter here in this house or with my family who would pressure me about your daddy, or worse yet try to set me up with someone else.
April 1, 99
Well, I probably best put April 2nd however I have 2 minutes until April 2nd. Well, I had the pleasure of working an 18-hour shift today, which being pregnant and working that many hours do not seem to agree much. I then had the pleasure of both Corday and Greene chewing me out for overworking myself. Someone had thought (and if I find out who it was they are going to regret this) it would be cute to leave a message from Doug saying he needed to cancel our 3 days this coming week. Well, as you know this was very upsetting and I kind of lost it. Well, since you will not remember what I said I would tell you. I screamed how in the hell could he cancel on me and his child and that he is not going to just think he is going to get away with ignoring my messages and putting me off. Next thing I notice is how silent everyone is, then Carter comes up and says ok I win and Congratulations Mom Hathaway, and gives me a small kiss on the cheek and then rest of the staff started the congrats and asked when the day would be here. I let them know that according to my cycle it should be Nov 17th. Well, the staff is now looking forward to a Thanksgiving baby.
Now the entire staff knows that I am expecting a baby, and Lord knows that if one of them says a thing when Doug calls, that they are going to have the pregnant women from Hell to deal with. This also provided the info I needed to know on what the bet was. I could not believe they all thought I was pregnant and was betting when I would tell everyone. I am really impressed that everyone agreed that I needed to tell Doug in person. The only thing that could make this weekend better would to be awakened by your Daddy. God how I miss feeling his body next to me. I am still trying to figure the best way to tell your Daddy. I think I may post US pictures all around his office or I may get him an Easter bunny and a framed picture of you and me. Hmmm well I better also becareful as I do not want him to think I kept him in the dark for the last 3 weeks either.
Well I am talking in circles now, Goodnight Little One Love Your Mommy
April 4, 99
Happy Easter my little one! Well, Thank God it has been a quiet day here in the ER. So far I have received 50 yes that is 50 stuffed animals for you from all your admirers. Since it is so quiet Corday asks me if I want to see you, yeah like I would say no. Earlier we had women come in and we needed to do a scan on her baby so we still had the good US machine down here in the ER. Well, Mark hears about it and just pops around the corner as Corday is asking me about the scan. He surprises me and asks if can be present also. Well, since I had a full bladder this works out well, I could see you waving and your little heart beating away. Your heart rate was very good and strong 170 bpm, Elizabeth Corday gave me 5 pictures and even measured you (even though this would be done tomorrow also) and I was a little surprised that you measured 10 weeks to the day. Hmm I guess I do not recall having a real cycle in Feb it was only 1 day oh my gosh I cannot believe this, well that explains why I am showing with you already. Well, no more than I had gotten the gel off and was admiring the pictures but to my shock whose voice do I hear but Doug. Yes, that is your Daddy. Well, in the next room he was on the videoconference camera and he had an Easter Bunny, toy #51 for the day, and we talked for 15 minutes I was so happy I was crying. I wanted to tell him then, but I just could not I wanted to be there not just on a video camera, however I did tell him I had a very special surprise for him. Well, then no more than saying that all hell breaks loose with 2 traumas that comes in. One is a young girl about 3 years old and the other is her mother. I was helping the little girl and as soon as she was stabilized and going up to surgery I went to look in on her mom, the looks from Kerry and Carter said it all. I looked up and could see that this was not going to be a Happy Easter for this family. About 30 minutes later in comes the father of the little girl and husband to the wife. I called Carter out, as I just could not stand to deliver this news.
Well Love You Little One and Happy Easter
April 5, 99
Well, today Dr Harisons also did her US you measured 10w even again. She gave me a new due date of November 7th. As promised she gave me a handful of pictures (boy oh boy how cute you are also) She also told me that she thought I would be able to work until my due date, but she advised me no flying to the West coast past 7 months. Hmm I think she also knows I do not plan on leaving Chicago. Now if I can only talk your Daddy into coming back here. However I know there are no jobs and with the last few stunts pulled no hospital around here wants to chance him. From what I know his practice in Washington is taking off and he is really loving the ability to helps kids in everyday type of environment. This really shocks me, as I never thought I would see your daddy in a regular practice. Well, I best get this packing done. I got a beautiful new dress today lets see if I can get to tell your Daddy that you will be coming in just 30 weeks before he figures it out. I think one look at my new figure and he will figure it out but this new dress at least will hide it for a bit. I plan on telling him at the Airport right away; at least then if he gets mad I can catch a plane and return home right away. Though I am a little scared I should have not said this to Mark I think he may try to warn your Daddy, if I know him.
April 8, 99
I can not believe this, after waiting for 36 hours in O'Hare I have given up and come to realize that for some reason God has choose for me not to go Washington. I wonder if this is an omen or a hint? I called Doug and cried to him, he tried very hard to comfort me on the phone and begged me to tell him the surprise which I insisted I needed to tell him in person. I called into work to change my leave and see if I could get the following week off. I nearly exploded when Weaver said she could not arrange for me to take an extended leave (of course unless it was medical necessity) until July. Yeah, I could see your Dad now I get off the plane with a Belly that could not be missed well I would not have to worry about telling him then. Doug promised to visit soon and assured me that I am and will be the only person in his life. Oh how I can think back to the last time he touched me and I can still fell his gentle caress. Why can I not just tell him over the phone, well I can answer that one. I am terrified he will loose it and think I am trying to trap him, or worse yet terrified that he will want to end our relationship and cut off all ties. Well I go back to work tomorrow I choose to go back a day early since all else I can do is sit here and think about how lonely I am and the fear of being able to support you and myself and not letting you down. I have chosen to start your room. I choose the room of course closest to my own. I think I will do the room in Bunnies and Lambs with Mint Green and Yellow. Though if you cooperate on the next sonogram in 10 weeks then maybe I can go with some blue or pink also.
Well now that I am very tired and we have had a nice dinner I will head to bed. Love Ya Little One
April 25, 99
Well, my youngest one I am so glad you are making your presence known. I can hardly believe the butterfly like feeling that is you. Could you hear your Daddy's voice over the phone? If I did not know better I would swear you were telling me to tell him the complete truth. Well your Daddy is settled in and has chosen to wait for me to decide what I want. I am feeling much better now that I am hearing from your dad almost daily either by Phone or email or letters. He had some bad news though today and said it will be at least 9 months until he can come visit. I just do not think I can wait until you are 2 months old to visit with him. I have thought about sending him the Ultrasound pictures and a special card for father's day. If only this could be so easily explained, to him and let him know that I really do Love him that I am just really afraid to leave my home, family, and job. Well we best get some sleep tomorrow is going to be a long day as I need to go help Lynette with the Clinic that I was neglecting for awhile due to feeling so sick there for a while. Know I really understand what they mean by the saying of you must love the 2nd Trimester wind.
April 30, 99
Just one note Pregnancy and Idiotic people just does not match. I swear if Kerry tells me to back off one more person who has the audacity to try to tell me I should not do something I will belt them. I may be pregnant but I am not an invalid.
