May 9, 99
PS: I just realized that today is Mothers Day I think that I will just think of getting to hear your heartbeat for those 2 hours as my present.
May 17, 99
Well, I just had my 17-week appointment with Dr Harison who is not too happy with my choice to not have the triple screen done. However I just have seen to many false negatives and positives with this test. No matter what I will not risk you to have an amino done, and no matter what I will love you, and so will your Daddy. Well all is well I have had no other problems since my small scare with the psycho patient from you know where. Dr Harison agreed with me that Mark and Lynette overreacted however she tells me that at least they were thorough. I will agree to that. Dr Harison released me to do any and all duties that I was doing. Then I noted at the bottom that she has put a restriction on the weight I can lift, she put down 40 pounds max.
Well just one other note, I got an email from your Daddy and it seems that in July he will have a chance to come to visit but it will be only for the weekend. Hmm well I think it will be very easy to tell him about you by then. Maybe I should set up a videoconference and tell him about you.
Love Ya Little One
May 26, 99
Hmm well, so far 10 hrs in the ER and we have had 3 ped's cases, 2 suicides, 2 DOA's, and countless patience for a variety of small complaints. It is nice when it is slow; yes can you believe me saying that. Well, I need to come back I am getting ready to go upstairs and assist on a peds heart patient that is coming in via chopper. Unfortually or should I say fortunately, a 1 year old little girl died and I was able to talk her parents into donating her organs. Well the baby that needed the heart is coming in via chopper, and I am going to go help get him inside. Well, I see Mark giving me the eye so I will put this down and write more later.
Well, we got the little 18-month-old boy into the PICU and he is going into surgery in only 20 more minutes. I cannot believe I swore I thought I heard Doug's voice in the chopper as we brought out the baby, I am going in to ask Mark, here in a few since he knows whom the Doc assisting on the flight was.
I cannot believe what Mark just told me, it was Doug on the flight, Mark covered for me and told him that I was busy and he would send me into the lounge to talk later. I asked Mark if he had told Doug that I was pregnant and he told me that he really wanted to however that is my job. Mark then told me that Doug only had another hour until he needed to catch a flight back to Washington, apparently he had promised the parents to fly with the baby from Washington to here. The parents have to drive, as they could not afford tickets for the trip. Mark told me that he wanted to talk to me, then asked me if I wanted him to talk to Doug first or stay with me as I let Doug know that we would be parents very soon. I will admit I am not sure how he will handle this. Maybe I should avoid him, then again maybe I should umm well I do not know. Guess I will write more after the confrontation. God be with me.
May 27, 99
Well, I managed to survive the flood of emotions. One hour is not enough to tell the man you love that you are almost 18 weeks pregnant. Well, I will start from where I left off.
I finished my entry to you, then I asked Mark where Doug was and he told me he went over to Magoo's to grab a bite to eat and was suppose to be back any minute. I asked Mark to tell Doug I would be in The Nurses Lounge and to send him in there. Mark asked me once again if I wanted him to be there I said no I need to deal with this and I should have told him before now. Well, I set down on the couch and grabbed a pillow so I could try to make a surprise by trying to hide my even more emerging belly. Well, in walks Doug, and as he comes over to me he has a look I was praying that he would not have, the look of hurt, anger, disappointment. He said that when he had came into the ER and apparently a few of the staff had not seen them he heard them discussing how you were going to tell me of our impending arrival. Doug then turned his back and I just closed my eyes, I had to keep the tears and emotion at bay. Doug then turns around and asks me if I planned on ever telling him that he was a father, for Gods sakes we had been trying to have a baby for 6 months up until the day I left, he said. By this time he is sitting on the couch beside me and I could not still manage to say anything. I gently reached for his hand and placed it upon my belly, which you replied with a nice strong kick (btw Thank You for that kick). Doug actually had tears on his face, and I told him how I had not wanted to keep this baby a secret and had plan telling him in April. However, I had to cancel the trip due to snow, and I had not wanted to tell him in email or on the phone as I wanted to see the look. Then of course what I expected came out of his mouth he begged for me to come and live with him in Washington. I looked away and told him that I was still not sure I could leave Chicago and begged for him to return. Then he just looked at me and said there was nothing here in Chicago for him other than the bay and me. He explained how he could not just stay home; he needed to be in a practice or in the ER. He told me about the practice and hospital he was working with in Washington was, and how he could actually have time. Finally, Doug looked at me with his beautiful eyes and told me that no matter what I choose he would be here for support. He asked for me to come visit after the baby was born. Then he told me he did not want me to risk flying until after the baby was born as he did not want his child born on a plane, of course that brought a small smile to my face. I told him that I would as long as he would try to visit Chicago. Well he agreed however told me it maybe only weekend trips once a month. I ensured him that was better than what we had the last few months, and then he told me that at least I had something of his that he knew now that I would not forgot him. Hmmm I wonder if somehow I could volunteer him to be the first pregnant man, then I could say the same. Well, time was up the hour flown by so fast, and I left with Doug to take him to the airport. At the airport I gave him your ten-week ultrasound pictures and he promised to try to be here for the next US June 14th I would be 20 weeks pregnant then. We kissed and I said Goodbye. Doug looked back and promised this was not goodbye.
Well the doorbell just rang and the florist just delivered a dozen red roses and an infant car seat, and a baby rattle. Ten minutes later the phone rings and it is your daddy I was in tears telling him how much I loved him and how I loved the flowers and seat and rattle. He then told me that he wanted to buy a house there in Washington and start to prepare the nursery some. I told him that I thought it would be ok then I told him that your room here was in rabbits and bunnies and was mint green and yellow. Maybe it is best that we go ahead and prepare to live in both places until we can decide where we will live. Well I have to get some sleep I have 4 days on and one day off and today was the one-day off.
Good night Little One
June 1, 99
Well, what fun these last few days have been, it is all ready getting hot here in Chicago, I dread to think what July will be like which is usually the hottest of the year. Yesterday we had a women come in that was 25 weeks pregnant with some minor back pain, her husband was on a business trip and she had no family, OB was extremely busy and asked if we could do an ultra sound on her and check on the baby. I do not know who wanted to cry more myself or this women when Mark told her he could not find the heartbeat. I have another US in just 2 weeks; I am just horrified at the thought that I could loose you. I guess until you see something such as this you take things for granted. I also thought about just a few weeks ago when I could have lost you with the trauma case where the man lost control. Maybe, I should ask to be placed on desk duty, however I would be board to tears.
Now for better news, your Daddy has been calling or writing daily and keeps telling me how I would love Washington. I am worried though if he is done with his self destructive behaviors and to make matters worse a few people at work like to remind me all the time about these behaviors. Well, Mark and Corday and Benton are coming over to visit and we are having a Barbecue.
Love You Little One
Jun 2, 99
Well, I am very concerned yesterday at the cookout, I had heard the phone ring and Mark answered he told me it was just a sales person, however I saw the look or his face. I went later to check to see who called and it was Doug's number. Why would Mark lie to me, was it cause maybe Doug called drunk or was calling to break up or…
I know I should not let my imagination run wild, maybe Doug and I should not get married, maybe I should just stay here and keep nursing and raise you. My mom raised me mostly by herself and I know many single parents that are able to make it, God, give me the strength to make a decision.
Love You Little One
Jun 3, 99
Another day another dollar. Elizabeth Corday has been such a wonderful help, however as I reread many of my entries I noticed I have not mentioned all that she has done. I must admit she has become my best friend and I do not think I could get through this without her. Today when I came on shift she brought me a small box wrapped up, I opened it up and to my surprise was a Doppler; to hear your heart beat. She then told me that she had noticed I had been on edge since we had the 2nd trimester loss in the other day. She told me that she had managed to get an extra Doppler from OB and this way I can hear your heartbeat whenever I want. Needless to say I was in tears, I thought I had managed to hide my fear however Corday had picked up on this. Elizabeth has also been pestering me about going out to get baby items for you, she told me that I needed to at least get basics, so I finally told her I would go shopping with her tomorrow and pick up a few things for your room. Hmm maybe a crib would be a good place to start.
Well, just got notified we have an 11 car pile up and to expect at least 7 traumas. I will ttyl Little One.
Jun 4, 99
Well, my active Little One, you must be excited at the thought of going to look for clothes and other items for your room. Though right now it will be a just look I want to wait till October to really get anything, guess there is a part of me still afraid I could loose you, like I have probably lost your father. I know it only has been 3 days since I have heard from him and then the one call Mark avoided having me to take, so that would be 2 days. Well I go onto nights tonight; boy will this be fun. I just hope it is quieter than yesterday. I never knew how hard trauma could be when you have a belly sticking out and you must avoid all the people around you, and trying to still do 15 things at once. Yesterday we got 3 of the intended trauma cases the others never even made it to the hospital. Well, needless to say it is getting harder to deal with death, you would think after all this time I would be use to it. Well, there is the doorbell it must be Elizabeth. I will write more lately. Hmm maybe by then I will come up with a reason I need to call your Dad, though we are suppose to take turns on calling each week.
Love ya Little One.
June 5, 99
I just do not know what to think, I decided to go ahead and call Doug, I am praying that I got a wrong phone number some how, however a women answered and it sounded like she was waking up. I just hope there is an explanation to this, I am going to talk to Mark and see if he can help answer this and tell me why he lied about Doug calling. I just want to stay home today and cry all day, I just do not want to go to work and pretend that all is fine. Well, since I have not taken a sick day in ages, I think I will take advantage and call in sick.
Well, I called in sick, though it took me forever to convince Elizabeth that I was only feeling ill and not related to pregnancy. I am sure that I convinced her that I do not need to come in to be seen or that she needs to come over to see me. You know this is a first for me unless I really was ill I never called in sick.
Well, I think I am realizing why this was not a good idea, cause now I am feeling a little ill, but I think it is stress. Maybe I should just concentrate on you and me and quit worrying about Doug. I am going to go nap now; maybe I will feel better later.
June 6, 99
Well, Elizabeth kept her promise of not coming to check on me, however she sent Mark. Mark and I had a very long talk and I told him about my call and how I knew the one he answered was Doug calling. I also told him that I was starting to feel the strain of this and was considering calling off the relationship, even though I still Love Doug. Mark convinced me to try to think about it and not to jump to any conclusions. He told me that pregnant women tend to be a little on the touchy side, and that it would be best to wait and see what is happening. Mark insisted on checking my B/P and when he saw the numbers I thought he would have a coronary, well 160/90 was a little high, however I told him it was cause I had worked myself up and that it was nothing. However he said no chances were being taken he called for an ambulance (yes I felt really stupid) and took my to the ER. I argued I was fine however now I get to spend the next 2 days here in beautiful Cook County Hospital on the OB ward until I can show them it was nothing, but an over worried jealous women. I think Mark is still afraid after the loss of the pre eclampsia patient about 3 or was that 4 years ago. Well, so far I have flowers from all the ER nurses and Docs and they all keep checking up on me. I think back when I tried to take my life and how at first people were scared to see me then slowly but surly everyone came to see me, well except Doug, he waited until I was home, and still was at a loss for words. Oh and since getting to stay off my feat and getting re hydrated my B/P is normal now 102/65 however in an hour they are going to do a new ultra sound since I am a patient Dr Harison said why not just do it now. So maybe I will know to call you a he or a she. Personally I think you are a Boy because you love to be stubborn, just like your Dad.
June 7, 99
Official US update
Baby Hathaway is measuring 20 weeks 3 days (yes getting to be a big baby, and so of course this moves the due date up, but Dr Harison decided to keep the Nov 7th date anyway)
Little one was sucking her/his thumb and yep I have a picture.
No signs of any problems, the placenta is looking great.
Baby Hathaway absolutely refuses to show if she/he has indoor or outdoor plumbing.
I have been allowed to go back to work with the understanding I get to only play triage nurse where I can be bored only half as silly than sitting at home. Geesh, I really hate not being able to do everything but if it keeps you put for 19 more weeks then I will be happy. I have shown them that the elevated B/P was only from me getting worked up over Doug, and I think that Mark would like to hang him for not contacting me. Mark assured me that he was not drunk or womanizing to the best of his knowledge. Mark said when he called he wanted to know some things to set up a surprise for you and I.
Dr Harison said that after 2 weeks if my BP stays normal then she would let me go back to my full duties, well except worrying about Doug.
Jun 21, 99
Yippee I am back to being a nurse and I was offered my Charge nurse position again. Since I need the extra money to save up right now I took the position on the understanding that it will only be till November 1st. Then after the baby is born it will be my decision to decide if I want to keep the extra pace up. Right now I am not sure if I want the extra work since I get to be Mom and Dad both.
I have received a few letters and a couple quick phone calls from Doug. He tells me how much he loves us both and that he has managed to take the entire month of November off and will be coming back to see you born and help take care of me. He also keeps asking if I will join him, which right now I just can not do.
My mother your grandma has agreed to watch you while I am at work on nights then during the days shifts that I work you will be at the hospital nursery, that way I can keep a close eye on you.
It is hard to believe I am half way through this pregnancy, I remember giving Conni a hard time when she complained that she was pregnant for ever, now I am starting to see why she complained.
Love ya Little One
Jun 22, 99
Well, after working on the schedule for about 12 hours and fixing a few other minor problems I see now why they let me have my position back. Though I admit this is not as bad as last time.
Well, I have 6 hours to get some sleep and get up to go to my shift tonight. Since nighttime is not as busy I choose to take the 7pm till 7am shift for the next month. Though I may take this till you are born also just depends on how this works out. Though I did not hear any complaints from the nurses whose night shifts I took from them I think they like the idea of no nights.
Good Night well actually afternoon Little One.
Jun 27, 99
In someway this month has flown by and in others it has dragged by. Well, now I am 22 weeks according to the earliest US dates and 23 weeks 2 days on the second US. I have my next OB appointment scheduled on July 12th. I am going to the family picnic at mom's request and I just hope that I do not have to hear one word that Doug should be here. Actually I even warned Mom about this, so everything should go fine.
Well, things are going well, work is work. People will always need medical care and always get hurt and always will die. There are times though now that I wish I could still hide my emotions better. Though Conni assures me that about 2 months after the birth you get back to your old self again. Well, I hope so.
We have decided to have a 4th of July party in the hospital also. I have the 7pm till 7am shift and at least we will have a good view from the roof for the fireworks, well that is if we are not too busy in the ER.
Gotta Run Little One in 3 minutes we have a trauma coming in and so got to get hoping.
Love ya
