And now...the game show you've all been waiting for...

Ganondorf's Love Life!

Episode 2 (by Julietta F. "Xaviera")

And here's your host...GIRLY GIRL!!!

Girly Girl: Alright everyone! We're back after two months of lawsuits and scandals over our last show, because everyone involved sued us including the Floating Lipstick of Death, Ganondorf, Link, and Nabooru. Then we sued them, and also there was a lot of conflict over Nabooru's medical bill. But anyway, heeeerrrrrrrrre's Ganondorf! (Ganondorf walks on stage, waves smiles, roots for his favorite basketball team (the Gerudo Grapes), says "hi mom!", etc.)

Ganondorf: Hello world!

Girly Girl: Today we're going to get to the bottom of the Lamburghni scandal, and don't you dare trying to hit me over the head with a chair. BECAUSE...I have a MACHETE!!! (crowd gasps)

Ganondorf:Oh yeah?? Well I just happen to have a longsword.

Girly Girl:Shall we duel?

Ganondorf (calmly):Not really. I wouldn't want to kill you.

Girly Girl:I bet you're just chicken. (Ganondorf looks really angry, but he remembers that he got sued that one time he kept bonking her on the head with the Floating Lipstick of Death. He got sued by both Girly and the lipstick.)

Ganondorf (mumbling):You're the chicken, little miss "oh-no-my-makeup-isn't-on-properly-so-the-world-is-coming-to-an-end."

Girly Girl:What did you just say?

Ganondorf (looking innocent, if you can imagine a seven foot tall evil Gerudo male doing so):Oh, nothing.

Girly Girl: Good. (Ganondorf sticks his tounge out at her while her back is turned.) Also here, we have Link! (Link walks on stage, smiles, waves, cheers for his favorite basketball team (the Kokiri Kiwis), and says "hi, deaceased mom!"

Link: Hi!! First of all, I'd like to point out that the Kokiri Kiwis totally whoop the Gerudo Grapes' butt!

Ganondorf:No way! Remember the Hyrule Seiries, '84? The Grapes beat you guys 89 to 74!!

Link:That was so unfair! Mido was out with a broken toenail! And your ref' called that one foul! So FAKE!! You guys cheat!

Ganondorf:That was SUCH a foul! Remember, with the fairy coming in! That was also interference, might I add! And also remember in '87, when we--

Girly Girl:Please, please. Shut up, for our sake. Here's Nabooru, after two months of rehabilitation therapy!! (Nabooru comes on, trying to look composed, but she still remembers the last time she was here, so she doesn't quite pull it off.)

Nabooru:Hi everyone! (glances at Ganondorf) Hi Mr. Macho. (collapses to the floor, giggling hysterically.)

Girly Girl:OXYGEN!! (they go give Nabooru some oxygen. Like that really helps. She turns to Ganondorf and Link accusingly) Thanks to you guys, she'll never be right in the head again.

Ganondorf:It wasn't my fault you picked that music.

Girly Girl:It wasn't my fault you went along with it.

Link:She has a point.

Ganondorf:Whose side are you on anyway? (Link shrugs and looks at the ceiling.)

Nabooru:I'm OK. Really. I just want to know who Ganondorf (snickers) spent the money on. And also, would he please give some to me, to pay these oxygen people who always walk around with me in case I hear the song (smirks a bit) "Barbie Girl?" They're really expensive. They have to go into public places playing music and ask them to turn off the radio before I come in.

Ganondorf:(gasp) You revealed you vulnerability on public television! A Gerudo never reveals their vulnerability. Now, if we ever have a war, any random soldier could just come up and hum a few bars of "Barbie Girl" and you'd be dead. Pretty soon the other side would notice the vulnerability and bring little boom-boxes (assuming they've been invented) into battle with them. It could single-handedly destory our race.

Nabooru:Well SORRY, Mister "uh-oh-our-whole-intire-culutre-is-going-to-be-obliterated-because-of-a-stupid-hyper-high-pitched-pop-song-about-pieces-of-plastic-shaped-to-look-like-women-whose-main-hobby-is-liposuction-and-implants."

Link:She has a point.

Girly Girl:The MONEY, Ganondorf, the MONEY. We're here to talk about the MONEY.

Link:Did I mention that the Kokiri Kiwis rock?

Ganondorf:If you don't shut-up, I'm going to stapple your mouth shut myself. (Link shuts-up.)

Girly Girl:If YOU don't shut-up, I'm going to stapple both of your mouths shut AND lock you in a room AND make you listen to that annoying eighties retro song that goes something like "you spin me right round baby right round," AND make you watch soap operas until you get down on you knees and beg for mercy. AND if you don't give in, I'll take you too a real opera. Do I make myself clear? (They nod.) Thank you. (turn to the audience) now we are going to try to think of cruel and unusual ways to get Ganondorf to confess, which could be just as bad as the ones metioned above! Everyone with me? (crowd cheers) Good. Let's make some magic people!

* * * *

Girly Girl:OK. We have Ganondorf locked in a little room, where one wall is just a big television screen with no buttons. Only we can program it. The first thing he is going to watch is the Kiwis VS. Grapes game of '92, where the Kiwis won by 27 points. Inside the tape, there are subliminal messages coded to say "CONFESS! CONFESS!" Lets go to our special Cruel And Unusual Torture Room Cam. Switch on the game!

Ganondorf:(gulp)Uh-oh. Not this game! No! NOT THIS GAME!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Girly Girl:(whispering to the audience) Now Link is going to talk to him through the huge speakers on either side of him.

Link:KIWIS RULE! KIWIS RULE! KIWIS RULE!!! GRAPES SUCK! GRAPES SUCK!!!! GRAAAAPPPPPEEEESSS SSUUUUUUCK!

Ganondorf:AHHHHHH!!!! MAKE IT STOP!! MAKE IT...hey, Link, aren't I supposed to be torturing you? I'm the evil person here, after all.

Link:He has a point.

Girly Girl:Here's the deal, Ganondorf. If you don't confess in 24 hours, me and Nabooru will give you a...

Nabooru and Girly:MAKEOVER!!!!

Ganondorf:(double gulp.)

* * * *

(20 hours later)

Girly Girl:We're trying hypnosis now. We have a pro-hypnotizer guy here, who is going to use the "Snap, Snore," method. Also Nabooru and her constant companion, Sado the Clown (a suit wearing, solemn, but really good looking type guy), who tries to get her stop laughing. And Link, too, duh, who isn't happy that Sado the Clown is spending so much time with Nabooru.

Pro-hypnotizer guy:Look at the watch...follow the watch...watch the watch...don't take your eyes off the watch...

Ganondorf (hypnotized):Yes master...

Link:Never though I'd here him say that.

Girly Girl:Shhhhhhhhhhh. You're messing up the concentration.

Pro-hypnotizer guy:When I snap my fingers, you will fall into a dreamlike state. (Snap...snore) Do NOT dream about what you usually dream about, please.

Ganondorf:Yes master...

Pro-hypnotizer guy:Confess!

Ganondorf:Whoa baby!

Pro-hypnotizer guy:I SAID don't dream about what you usually dream about!

Ganondorf:Sorry...

Pro-hypnotizer guy:Confess! Confess!

Ganondorf:OK! I confess! (everyone listens) That WAS me! I did it! Sorry! I didn't mean to make the stock market crash! I didn't mean for the Spanish Inquistion to happen! Or the Black Plague! Or the dead lizard in Nabooru's bed when I was eight! And also, all those magazines! They were mine! I admit it!!

Everybody:WHAT?!

Ganondorf:Did I say that? I mean, no of course I didn't do that stuff...

Nabooru:That was YOU? You put the dead lizard in my bed?! You scared me out of ten year's growth, you bastard!!

Ganondorf (un-hypnotized):What? Why is everyone looking at me like that?...

Girly Girl:(sighs) This is getting us nowhere fast. He has too many things to confess, he won't remember any specific one. (to Ganondorf) NEED I REMIND YOU OF THE MAKEOVER?!

Ganondorf:(triple gulp.)

* * * *

Girly Girl:Well folks, this is our last resort before (grins) the makeover. We're going to ask the spirits. Nabooru, since you're the Sage of Spirit, would you lead us?

Nabooru:I'll need a ouija board.

Girly Girl:Ouija board?

Nabooru:Ouija board.

Girly Girl:Uh-huh....OK then, let's get one people! (they get a ouija board)

Nabooru:Now I'll need Link, Girly, my oxygen people, and Sado (tee hee) to put your hand on the little ouija board hand thingy. (They put their hands on the little ouija board hand thingy.) Ouija, are you with us? (it says "yes".) Who did Ganondorf have an affiar with?

Ouija board:Z. (Ganondorf runs up and kicks it out of their hands. It flys across the room and breaks.)

Nabooru:You idiot! You messed up the spirit's message!

Ganondorf:Oh, sorry, just practicing soccer!

Girly Girl:Who could it be? Let's see...Impa...no...Navi...Ruto...no...Saria...no...

Nabooru:Me...no...Malon...no...Cucco lady....no...Darunia...whoops, how did that get in there?...no...

Sado the Clown:...Cindy Crawford...no...perhaps...maybe...

Ganondorf:You'd better shut-up now, Sado.

Nabooru:All the Gerudos...no...all the Kokiri...no...everyone else in the universe...no...

Link:I think I know who it is, you guys...

Girly Girl:Who? We're like, totally confused!

Link:I'll give you a hint...she has a video game named after her!

Nabooru:Mario?

Girly Girl:Banjo-Kazooie?

Sado the Clown:Huh?

Paremedics Person:Glover?

Another Paremedics Person:South Park?

Link:NO, you blasphamous knaves!

Girly Girl:Nice vocabulary!

Link:It's...ZELDA!!

Nabooru:Huh?

Girly Girl:Huh?

Sado the Clown:Huh?

Paremdics People:Huh?

Ganondorf:AAAAAUUUGHHHHHHH.

Link:Admit it, Ganondorf!

Ganondorf:(censored)

Link:(censored)

Girly Girl:By some strange coincidence, we have Zelda right here in the studio. (Zelda walks in, smiles, waves, calls everyone melon heads in Dutch, blows her nose, etc.) Zelda, what do you have to say about this?

Zelda:Well, Girly, all I can say is that Ganondorf is actually a very nice person, if you get to know him. And we're planning to get married in July. (They hear a noise and all turn around. It was the sound of Link's jaw hitting the floor.)

Ganondorf:That's right...because SHE'S THE GIIIIIRL OF MY DREEEEAMS!! (The scene flashes to an ice skating rink, and they're figure skating together.)

Zelda:And HE'S THE GUUUUY OF MY DREEEEAAAAMMSS!!!

*They do figure skating moves like spins, axles, ballerina type stuff (Nabooru is laughing so hard she is drowning in her own drool, and the paremedics are too busy watching Zelda to care), disco, the marcerena, the twist, that Mexican hat dance thingy, etc. Link faints.*

Girly Girl:Well, that just about wraps up the show, folks! (Link comes to) Wait a minute...here's Link! (In the backround Ganondorf and Zelda are necking while on ice skates.)

Link:This is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in my intire life, without a dought. (Link pukes.) All I can say is that Sado the Clown had stop looking that way at Nabooru that way.

Sado the Clown:Huh?

Link:You know what I'm talkin' about, buddy.

Sado the Clown:Huh?

Link:Why not saying "huh" in morse code so I can understand you better?

Sado the Clown:Huuuh-huh-huuuh-huuuh huuuh-huuuh-huuuh huh-huh-huuuh (YOU) huh-huuuh-huuuh huh-huuuh huuuh-huh huuuh-huh huh-huuuh (WANNA) huuuh-huuuh huh-huuuh huuuh-huh-huuuh huh (MAKE) huh-huh-huh huuuh-huuuh-huuuh huuuh-huuuh huh huuuh huh-huh huuuh-huh (SOMETHIN') huuuh-huuuh-huuuh huh-huh-huuuh-huh (OF) huh-huh huuuh (IT) huh-huh-huuuh-huh-huh (?) (Look this up if you don't believe me, it's really morse code.)

Link (consulting morse code manual):You're on! (They fight.)

Girly Girl:Well, like, bye everybody!!

*The scene fades out with Nabooru drowning in drool, Girly Girl applying make-up, Link and Sado the Clown battling it out, the paramedics people gawking over Zelda, and Ganondorf and Zelda still necking on skates.*

THE END

If anyone has any ideas for a new Ganondorf's Love Life, e-mail me at scorpiomoon@gurlmail.com or click my name.

Xaviera