Quotes

One more thing before you scroll down, today (May 9, 1999) I came across an AWESOME quotes page, some of these are hilarious. It's called The Quote File From Hell and it has some real classics in it.

Hey! Guess what? I actually got the url for Deep Thoughts with Jack Handy!!! (If you don't know who he is, then I'll tell you. On Saturday Night Live a few years ago they would have a quick scene where they would read some bizarre funny quote by Jack Handy.) So, right here at this address JACK HANDY is where you will find a multitude of deep thoughts. Enjoy!!!

My Favorite Quotes

• "If I could be anything.. I would be your tear..to be born in your eyes, live on your cheeks and die on your lips." - Jen
• "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." - Mark Twain
• “You must do the things you think you cannot do.” - Eleanor Roosevelt
• “To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.” - David Viscott, M.D.
• Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
• “I’d rather be a failure at something I enjoy than be a success at something I hate.” - George Burns
• “If a window of opportunity appears, don’t pull down the shade.” - Tom Peters
• "Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months." - Oscar Wilde
• Sometimes you just have to take the leap, and build your wings on the way down. -- Kobi Yamada
• “Slumps are like a soft bed. They’re easy to get into and hard to get out of." - Johnny Bench
• Growth demands a temporary surrender of security. -Gail Sheehy

Ironic Quotes

• "The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget." - Thomas Szasz
• "The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt." - Bertrand Russell
• "If you have one foot in tomorrow and one foot in yesterday, you're bound to find yourself pissing on today." - Anonymous
• "Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" -George Carlin
• "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." - Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
• "I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for." - Jasper Carrott
• Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. Then when you do criticize that person, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes. -Anonomous
• "Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." - Ernest Hemingway
• "A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election." - Bill Vaughan
• "Ice is cool. It's water, but it's not." - Oz (Seth Green), Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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  Things to Think About

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• "He that lives upon hope will die fasting." - Benjamin Franklin
• "Whoever wishes to keep a secret must hide the fact that he possess one." - Johann Wolfgang Van Goethe
• "Liberty, when it begins to take root, is a plant of rapid growth." - George Washington
• "Who we are never changes. Who we think we are does." - Mary's Almanac
• "We are torn between the craving to know and the despair of having known." - F. Sagan
• “It’s a funny thing about life: If you refuse to accept something but the best, you very often get it.”
• “Champions keep playing until they get it right.” - Billie Jean King
• “Spring is nature’s way of saying ‘Let’s party!’” - Robin Williams
• “There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.” - Beverly Sills
• "It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who died. Rather, we should thank God that such men lived." - George S. Patton, Jr.
• “To see what is in front of one’s nose requires a constant struggle.” -George Orwell
• “Winners never quit and quitters never win.” - Vince Lombardi
• "If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research." - Wilson Mizner
• “The truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do. The hard part is doing it.” -General H. Norman Schwarzkopf
• "Wise men speak because they have something to say. Fools speak because they have to say something." - Unknown
• “Eighty percent of success is showing up.” -Woody Allen
• "Shallow men believe in luck. Strong men believe in cause and effect." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
• To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world. -Heard on Oprah
• Never let your head hang down. Never give up and sit down and grieve. Find another way. And don't pray when it rains if you don't pray when the sun shines. -Satchel Paige
• The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken. -- Samuel Johnson
• "One person with a belief is equal to a force of ninety-nine who have only interests." - John Stuart Mill
• "Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends with them?" - Abraham Lincoln
• "If you are content, you have enough to live comfortably." - Plautus
• "Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words: I do not know." - Andre Maurois

  Hmmmm. Interesting....

  These aren't exactly quotes, they are just interesting comments. If you've ever watched the older episodes of Saturday Night Live, they remind me of the "Deep thoughts With Jack Handy" segments.

  I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. but I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe

  Sometimes when I'm driving behind a big cement truck, I think of how the valve on the truck could suddenly open, spilling cement over my car, encasing me inside and leaving me to slowly fall into an oxygen-deprived coma, from which I awaken five years later to find my wife remarried to my best friend. But then I think maybe I'm just being paranoid, because what are the odds of *that* happening again?

  My second favorite punchline is "Ping pong balls? I thought you said King Kong's balls!" I only wish I knew the punchline

  I think Snow White was a prostitute. Why else would the Dwarfs run around singing "Hi, ho! Hi, ho!"?

  If you ever happen to meet someone from Chumbawamba, be sure to knock 'em down, and see if they get back up again.

  I don't think Christmas would be as fun if it were in July. I mean, the songs would be just silly: "Green Christmas", and Frosty the Snowman would be "Leaky the Waterboy." Just plain silly if you ask me.

  When God created water, I bet He was thinking, "Man, I'm thirsty."

  I wonder if all the other flowers make fun of Pansies?

  Sometimes before bed, I look in the mirror and wonder just what I'll be doing in ten years. Then I look at the clock and think, "Probably flossing."

  My wife is constantly nagging me. It's always "get a job" this, and "get out of your pajamas" that. Don't fence me in, woman! -Jim Rosenberg

  My wife says I'm not ambitious enough. I suppose I could find someone more supportive, but why bother? -Jim Rosenberg

  My wife says I'm too into the X-Files. Dammit! They've gotten to her! (Jim Rosenberg)

  Sometimes you have to stop and smell the flowers. But you probably shouldn't do it when you're driving on the freeway, especially if the flowers are all wrapped up in the backseat of the car and you're allergic to them anyway. That would just be dumb.

  Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? I think it has something to do with the bread crumbs in your beard. (Jerry Carson)

  "You got heart, but you fight like a goddamn ape." - Mickey (Burgess Meredith), Rocky

  "Not bad for a little fur ball." - Hans Solo (Harrison Ford), Return Of The Jedi [in reference to an Ewok]

  After the meek inherit the earth, I think we should just kick their butts and take it from them. _Jim Rosenburg

  I'm not panicking. I'm watching you panic. It's much more entertaining

  Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

  Smile. It confuses people

  Sleep is for wimps. Happy, healthy, well rested wimps, but wimps.

  Warning, Whimsical when bored

  Thousands of years ago, Egyptians worshipped cats. Cats have never forgotten this.

  I am under the influence of sugar, caffeine and lack of sleep and should not be held responsible for my behavior

  Who the hell let the morning people run things?

  I'm lost. I've gone to Look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.

  Do the voices in my head bother you?

  I like the way your mind malfunctions

  Don't try to outweird me -- I get stranger things then you free with my breakfast cereal. -Z. Beeblebrox-

  If someone ever catches you talking to yourself, the best thing to do is point at a chair and say, "He started it!" That way they won't think you're crazy. (Craig Stacey)

  When cows sneeze, does milk come out of their nose? (Kyle Bosch)

  I try to learn something new everyday. Today I learned yet another place not to put my Silly Putty. (Eric Azinger)

  You know how much damage my car would take if I slowly and repeatedly ran over a Spice Girl? Who cares? It would be worth it. (Dianna Hill)

  Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? I think it has something to do with the bread crumbs in your beard. (Jerry Carson)

  Sometimes you have to stop and smell the flowers. But you probably shouldn't do it when you're driving on the freeway, especially if the flowers are all wrapped up in the backseat of the car and you're allergic to them anyway. That would just be dumb. (Jacqui)

  He who does anything BECAUSE it is the custom, makes no choice. and The despotism of custom is everywhere standing up to human advancement. -John Stuart Mills

  I'm glad cavepeople didn't invent television, because they would havejust sat around and watched talk shows all day instead of creating tools. (Dave James)

  Contrary to popular belief, not that many of us give a damn about Raymond. (Guy Hoyle)

  You know, that Dorothy girl was a real whiner:I want to go home this, Antie Em that... (Kelly Chappell)

  I suppose that when ants get stepped on, they have no idea what hit them. But I'll bet that hasn't stopped them from coming up with fancy names for it, like "spontaneous compression" or "vertical planar syndrome." (LeMel Hebert-Williams)

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