Ask Callisto or don't ask Callisto, it's entirely up to you and absolutely no skin off my nose either way, thought if you ever expect to get an answer, the least you can do is ask... Callisto that is.
Callisto was bored one day (from being locked in my 2x2 closet all afternoon)
so she decided to read her fan mail. A moth flew out of an empty bag so she knew she had a problem.
"Just Ask Callisto" was thus born, and it was all my fault.
Oh well. Email away!
My "Insight to a Psycho" file was lost when RW Magi (who was housing it for me, the dear :~)
Now, I know this is a long shot, but if anybody had happened to.... download it maybe? If you still have it, send it here. Thanks :)
Questions:
# 1.
If you're blonde, and you use blonde hair dye, what hair color do you get ?
-=-=-Ares Goddog-=-=-
CALLISTO : Gee, I think there's a nutcase already dominating the question asking department, and yes, it stays blond.
# 2.
Callisto, exactly how can I do that little neck thingy that you did to Cutter ?
-=-=-Annihilator VonPyrenese-=-=-
CALLISTO : Like THIS!!! *breaks Annihilator's neck* Do you have any more questions now?
# 3.
Is Callisto gonna try to kill me for writing this lame question?
-=-=-Spirit-=-=-
CALLISTO : Yes.
# 4.
What is the name of Callisto's dead husband?
-=-=-Frosty the Dark Rover-=-=-
CALLISTO : WHAT?? WHO GAVE HIM THE ADDRESS FOR THIS SITE!!!! IF I FIND OUT WHO...
ROVER ARTIST : Just answer the question! Sheesh, evil villain types....
CALLISTO : *growls* Okay okay, if you insist....My dead husband's name was Achilles, happy?*her eyes start to water*
ROVER ARTIST : Arg, you had to go and upset her, didn't you? Now I hafta lock her up before she tries to kill all the other dogs in the neighberhood again.
CALLISTO : I don't wanna go to the closet again!
ROVER ARTIST: Too bad.
CALLISTO : I hate my life.
# 5.
Why do you seek revenge if you can choose to make yourself a new life and
forget about the past?
-=-=-Rover Wizard-=-=-
CALLISTO : What would be the fun in that?
# 6.
If you met Ares the goddog, would you hate him as much as the other
goddogs hate you ?
-=-=-Rover Wizard-=-=-
CALLISTO : Well, it depends on how annoying or aggrivating I find him. If he's either of those things, then yah, I probably will. Next question?
# 7.
If you paint a corpse yellow, what temperature is it in tartarus?
-=-=-Rover Wizard-=-=-
CALLISTO : Hmm...yellow corpse? Why don't I just try it on you...
*Rover Artist whacks Callisto*
ROVER ARTIST : Do you want to go back to the closet again?
CALLISTO : NOO! NOT THE CLOSET!!!!
# 8.
When you put the pinch on a mime, do you ask him anything?
-=-=-Rover Wizard-=-=-
CALLISTO : Hmm, a mime? I usualy don't put the pinch on a mime, I usualy wait untill they're in one of those glass boxes and then I shoot 'em.
# 9.
What's your favorite flavor of baklava frappè with peanuts?
-=-=-Rover Wizard-=-=-
CALLISTO : Oh! I hate that stuff! It tastes like okra!
# 10.
Do you prepare escargot with margarine or butter?
-=-=-Rover Wizard-=-=-
CALLISTO : Margarine, of course!!! What kind of evil villainess would I be if I didn't???
# 11.
Do you know how much that hurt ?!
-=-=-Annihilator VonPyrenese-=-=-
CALLISTO : Of course I do! But it's not how much it hurts, it's how much fun it is to see the face of your vicitim contort in agony!
# 12.
Exactly how many centuries have you lived if you're immortal(I've lived for a millenium)
-=-=-Black Lab-=-=-
CALLISTO : Actualy, I've only been immortal for a short time, I wasn't born this way. You've lived a millenium? You must get great discounts on senior tickets at the movies.
# 13.
Dear Callisto: If you're immortal, do you ever get PMS?
-=-=-Wondering in Wisconsin-=-=-
CALLISTO : Dear Wondering...: Yes. I still get PMS, BUT IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUISNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
# 14.
Dear Callisto: If you weren't a full time villainess, what would be your other job ?
-=-=-Pondering near the Patomac-=-=-
CALLISTO : Dear Pondering...that's a good question, I'll do some pondering of my own, and if I get an answer, I'll hunt you down, tell you the answer, and then kill you, okay? Buh-bye.
# 15.
If you get nominated for an Oscar, what will you wear?
-=-=-Really Strange And Obsessive Hollywood Type Person-=-=-
CALLISTO : Dear Really......One thing, leather, leather, and more leather!
ROVER ARTIST(whispers): pppst, Maddona already did that!
CALLISTO : Does it look like I care???
#16.
If you had a choice to hurt people in a burning building more would you throw gas in , throw a bomb in , throw oil in or throw propane in ?I need some ideas.
-=-=-Former Dark Cadet Cannon-Fire-=-=-
CALLISTO : Cannon-Fire?What kind of a name is *that*???Okay, to answer your question, hmmm...I'd say gas. It's wastes humans precious resources, causes deadly fumes,
big flames and explosion. Also, what do you think you're doing asking me for tips? Do you think any villainess in her right mind would give away any GOOD tips??
#17.
Exactly what breed is your friend Gabriel ?Did I spell it right ?
-=-=-Scout A. Shepherd-=-=-
ROVER ARTIST : I'd better answer this one, Callisto is a tad bit protective of Gabby. I *think* you spelled it right, but I could never spell it myself. And Gabby is a greyhound, at least, I think she is. Who knows?
#18.
If you where walking down the street and saw a fire would you A:Throw Gas into B:Throw oil in it or C:Throw a bomb in it ?
-=-=-Kawasaki(wife of Black Lab)-=-=-
CALLISTO : What is *with* you people? And yes, the answer is *still* (A).
#19.
Should i fear that you might be stalking me because you said "yes" to my first question?
-=-=-Spirit-=-=-
CALLISTO : Yes.
#19.
Is Callisto trying to stalk me as we speak plotting the ways to kill me with the computers that are trying to kill me cause i know bout their evil plain i said to much already......HELPPPP!!!
-=-=-Spirit-=-=-
CALLISTO : ......Whatever. And they say I'M crazy!
#20.
Which type of computer do villains like you like the most ? Pentiums, IBMs, Macs, or PowerPC ?
-=-=-Marauder-=-=-
CALLISTO : Computers? I'm sitting here with a sword and a leather outfit, and you ask me about COMPUTERS?!?!?!?!?
#21.
Callisto, Do you like my buddy, Ail?
-=-=-Toil-=-=-
CALLISTO : Ail....Ail........I don't belive I know anyone by that name, so it's probably a safe bet that I....don't know them.
#22.
Callisto, what would you say if I said:
Ares and Callisto sitting inna tree...K-I-S-S...*suddenly dies a horrible death*
-=-=-Living Impared Rover Artist-=-=-
CALLISTO : I'M GONNA KILL YOU AGAIN AS SOON AS I GET A CHANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ROVER ARTIST:...remind me never to talk about Callisto's little boyfriend while she's PMSing.......
CALLISTO : HE IS NOT AND I AM NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#23.
Dear Callisto,
Hi, I am eight years old. The other day I went to my neighbor's house and
asked him if I could borrow his toupee for Show and Tell. He told me, "Go to Heck!"
I didn't know what that meant, but it sounded bad. So I told him to *&^#
Himself. What is Heck?
-=-=-Signed, Curious.-=-=-
CALLISTO : Dear Curious, Many people think that Heck is just a polite way of
saying ****. Those people are as wrong as wrong can be (and belive me, wrong
can be pretty darn wrong). Heck is just to the left of ****; it's a suburb of
****. Heck is a little bit nicer than ****. For instance, Heck has Dairy Queens
and you don't have to pay as much for car insurance. People in **** wish that
they were in Heck. But as nice as Heck might be (and in all honesty, it's not
that nice), it is nowhere as good as being in Heaven. Oddly enough, when
somebody does something nice, nobody every says, "Go to Heaven!" I guess that's
because a person would have to die before they went to Heaven. Saying "Go to
Heaven, is like saying "Drop dead" but with a positive spin.
#24.
Dear Callisto,
how would I explain chewing gum to an alien? I’m just curious. There is no alien
holding me hostage and making me answer stupid questions. I do not need HELP!
Because, if there was an alien and he thought I was asking for HELP!, he might
take me to his spacecraft, fly me to his planet, and put me in the zoo.
-=-=-PLEASE HELP ME!!-=-=-
CALLISTO : Dear Please Help Me,
Good question. Chewing gum is an anomaly. I’m not exactly sure what anomaly means, but I’m sure that it could apply to chewing gum. A good rule of thumb is, whenever you don’t know the answer to a question, say that it’s an anomaly and then run away before anyone can ask you any more questions.
That being said, if I were to explain chewing gum to your hypothetical alien, I would say, "Well, Mr. Or Ms. Alien, chewing gum is something you put in your mouth, but it’s not really food. I mean, it has a flavor and everything… at least for a few minutes, and even that goes away… but there are no nutrients in it. It’s not even candy. You can swallow candy, but it’s probably best that you don’t swallow gum. I guess humans buy it because they just love chewing; hence the saying, ‘To chew is human, to forgive divine.’
I’m not sure if I got that saying 100 % right. One thing I can tell you about gum, though, is that there is no way of getting it out of your mouth that isn’t disgusting. You either have to reach into your mouth with your fingers (and who knows where they’ve been ; I suppose you probably do, unless you’ve fallen asleep and there’s no telling then) and yank out the tasteless, saliva-drenched morsel, or you have to spit it out. No matter how much you practice, you can never make spitting out gum look demure.
At some time in your life, you will step on gum that has been spit out on the
street. The way to get it off your shoe is to put an ice cube on it. The gum
will harden and you can scrape it off with a spatula (see the New York Post’s
article: 25 REASONS TO CARRY A SPATULA WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES).
#25.
Dear Callisto,
If you ran the Academy Awards, how would you change things?
-=-=-Just felt like sending a letter-=-=-
CALLISTO - Dear Just…
If I ran the Academy Awards (and I’m not saying that I don’t, though I’m pretty
sure that I don’t), I would make them a lot livelier. I would assume that
everybody who was nominated equally deserved to win. So, when the nominations
are announced, I’d have the Oscar go to the first person from each category to
arrive at the location where the announcement came from (it would be a secret
and change each year). You could win either by being fast or by preventing the
other nominees from getting to the destination (by means of kidnapping, putting
under anesthesia, etc). I think it would make for exciting television while
still maintaining the dignity of the award.
#26.
Dear Callisto,
I read this saying the other day: "To know that we know what we know, and that we do not know what we do not know, that is true knowledge," Henry David Thoreau.
At first I found this very inspirational, then I realized I had no idea what it meant. What gives?
-=-=-Am I an idiot or what?-=-=-
CALLISTO : Dear Am I an Idiot or what?
You are not an idiot. Ipso facto you’re a what. What’s a what you might ask. But, you didn’t ask. So I won’t tell. Ha, ha.
If you’re worried that you don’t understand the saying, here is a simpler way of stating it : Knowing that you know what you know what you know is knowledge of that which you know. You know?
Hope that’s helpful.
#27.
Dear Callisto,
How would I explain to an alien that people bet on horse races and dog races, but they don’t bet on people running or car races?
Please forward your answer to the Municipal 200 on the planet Qogratz, located on the far side of the
Milky Way.
-=-=-Going on a trip and don’t expect to be back any time soon.-=-=-
CALLISTO : Dear Going...
I guess in order to bet on a race there has to be some sort of animal involved. We’d probably bet on the Indy 500 if there was a monkey driving around in a race car. Maybe we’d bet on the 100-yard dash if all the sprinters had to carry a pig while they ran (this might make the winning times a lot slower).
Also, have fun on your trip. I hope that you read this before you leave, because I’m not sure that I can forward this answer; you didn’t leave a zip code! You know how strict they are about that.
#28.
Dear Callisto,
Hi. My name is Spoogy. What do you think about that?
-=-=-Spoogy-=-=-
CALLISTO : Dear Spoogy,
I think it’s great.
#29.
Dear Callisto,
Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?
-=-=-Spoogy-=-=-
CALLISTO : You stole the cookies from the cookie jar.
#30.
Not me.
-=-=-Spoogy-=-=-
CALLISTO : Yes, you.
#31.
Couldn’t be.
-=-=-Spoogy-=-=-
CALLISTO : Then who, my dear Spoogy, then who? You obviously need more help that I can give. I recommend you talk to a counselor or a clergyman or basically anyone else besides me.
#32.
Have you ever had the need to sue someone? Or would you just be the
judge and say "OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!" before the court session? And am I
making any sense? I don't often make sense.
-=-=-Totally insane babbling freak-=-=-
CALLISTO : Dear Totally...
Hmm, never really thought of it that way. Vengance is a one way street, and in my case, this metaphor makes no sense whatsoever.
If you babble insanely, you're in good company.
Ye Olde Email Linke.
I have seen through the eyes of Callisto and now I feel the need to blind myself...
PS - A few of these letters (and answers) were borrowed from Ellen DeGeneres' hillarious book "My point... And I do have one." which is well worth the read.
