well, another day has come and gone, and life hasn't gotten any easier...we talked last night...a long talk...but we're still not together...he's sick and he got into an accident the other night...that made me feel kinda shitty, cause even though i should hate him, i still feel like i should be able to go up and take care of him. i want him back...so badly...so much that it hurts. a friend's brother asked me out the other night...and i said yes...but i don't know if i want to go through with it now because i still want him. this really sucks...and i feel like there's no one i can really talk to sometimes because they either love him or hate him, and most of them hate him because of what's happening to me, but i'm torn between both extremes. i love him so much...but i'm dying inside because of this. i never thought it would hurt this much...

how does anyone survive something like this? can i ever feel as though i can be myself again?? i can't sleep at night without dreaming about him...and the kind of dreams that seem so unbelievably real that you wake up in a cold sweat...that kinda scares me, you know? how can i feel so strongly about someone when i'm only 19? it's scary...and i keep thinking about the times that we used to have...like when he took me to the shore after my senior prom and we rented a bicycle built for two...that was the cutest thing...and i felt like we were in our own little world...or the time that we had a party after graduation...where i got drunk for the first time and slipped up on letting him know how i felt...or last new year's when we got our picture by the tree...that picture is still in my room, in the frame that he gave me. i wanted to get another picture of us so he could have one to put in the frame that i got him, but that never happened...i don't know what to do....

january 25, 2001...

well, here i am again...bored as usual. i had a dream last night...i dreamt that an old flame came back into my life and told me that the one i love isn't good enough for me. that's kinda personal, don't you think? i mean, i know that it was my dream and it was really me making up excuses and telling myself to forget about him, but come on! why did it have to be the one guy that i can't stand? i really don't understand anything anymore. i want to feel like i can walk around with my head up high and be me again. people have noticed. i went to work the other day and one of the guys asked what was up because i wasn't flirting with him like i usually do. another one asked me to smile for him and i just couldn't do it. when i'm around my sisters, i do smile because they mean so much to me and i hate it when they're upset, as i'm sure they hate it when i am too, so i hide it around them. i saw curtis last night, and it was cool seeing him again...and he asked about the boyfriend situation..i told him that i plead the fifth. he really doesn't have the right to know...especially since we haven't talked in a few months. i want my life to be the way it was. i wish i could go back in time...maybe back to high school....i didn't have any worries back then, and i was having the time of my life. sure, i had a crush on him, but that was a minor thing..i was able to go places wiithout wishing that i'd see him or come home and hope that there was a message on the machine. i have never hurt like this before. now, don't think that i'm obsessed...cause i'm not. i'm just depressed...and i have every right to be. i just can't get him out of my head.....

january 26, 2001...

okay...well, the *date*...yeah, that was fun...especially since his sister and my ex came along...but the movie was good. but i wish that we would've been alone so that i could've seen if anything was going to happen. all night long, i thought about the time that he and i went to see the matrix...that was so much fun...especially with his friend there...he knew something was up...or the time that we all went to see sleepy hollow...after my parents had gotten into a fight...and the pictures i had in my head whenever someone got their head chopped off. ahh...memories....but, back to the move...the whole reason why i'm writing this entry...having S there was weird in itself, cause you can just tell when they still like you, ya know? and then being there with J was weird too because we used to hate each other, just like he and i did. so many things reminded me of him when i was sitting in that theatre. i almost cried a couple of times, and i played it off as crying during the sappy parts of the movie, but that's not really what happened. i just wish that he was back here so i could see him again...

january 31, 2001....

well, i went to the backstreet boys concert last night...yeah, that was fun...and i'm not being sarcastic...i did have a lot of fun. and let me tell you that i only thought about him once during their one song, how did i fall in love with you? i seriously got all teary-eyed. we waited for a freakin' hour after the opening act for them to come out! i was ready to walk out the door. but they had this chick as their opener...her name was krystal...and she was good...but you know what? i can sing better than her! i've decided that i'm going to make a demo tape and be discovered by the backstreet boys and open for them...just you wait. it'll happen. anyhoo, i went to deltachi last night after the concert. neal wasn't there, and now brianne wants to set me up with him...yeah, okay. that would be cool though. i do like him...but he's not him. i don't want to feel like this forever..he's gotten passed this, so why can't i? its driving me crazy! if anyone could help...it would be much appreciated....

february 6, 2001...

picture this...a girl leaving home for the first time to go see the man she loves in his town that is 300 miles away from anything that she has ever known...then, when she gets off the bus, she sees him, and everything is alright. he takes her to dinner and rents movies, and she couldn't possible be happier. she knows that she wants to stay there forever, but also knows that she can only be there for a few days......that was the best time of my life. i don't know why i really started thinking about when i went up there. iwant to go back there....and i want us to be back together. i'm tired of comparing guys to him...that's not fair. i can't be going out with other people and wishing that i was with him...that's not fair to anyone. i just wish i really knew what i was doing...

oh yeah...had a fight with my dad today...he says that i don't do anything around the house and i spend too much time with my sorority sisters...um...bite me?? i'm so tired of this...i wnat to move out...but mom won't let me. i want to pick up and leave...i just wish i could. i've been packing my stuff away little by little so you can't really see the change...but it's getting there. i want out of my house so bad...what can i do? i don't know anymore...

february 14, 2001...

valentine's day....the day for love...well, i say fuck that. i hate valentine's day. the only valentine that i've ever really had came from lucas...and that was my senior year of high school. don't get me wrong, i love my lucas and everything...but it's just not the same. i've never had a boyfriend on valentine's day. i once had a guy ask me out on the 14th of a month thinking that we'd be together for valentine's day, but it started in march! could you imagine me keeping a relationship for almost a year? i thought that it would happen with him, but you see where that got me. anyhoo, i'm in a better mood these days. people have showed up with feelings and everything, and it seems as though people like me for me. that makes me happy in a way. so i'm alright for now...i still hate valentine's day, but that's to be expected....

february 24, 2001....

oh my freakin' god!! what the hell were the chances of that happening?? okay....there was that big snowstorm, right? well, i was stuck at the sorority house and we decided to play with the ouiga board....wow. apparently, my guardian angel showed up and she wanted to tell me something....she said that he loves me! i was like, nah dude...i don't believe in that stuff...but she said that he loves me, and was confused about his feelings...well, when i got home yesterday, who the hell do you think went driving around the corner?? yup yup...it was my baby...:-) he came to visit me at work, and we were supposed to do something when i got done, but it was later, so i just went to his house...yeah, he held me...that was just so nice...and then right before i left, he kissed me...how happy am i? oh my god!! are we back together? not officially, but yeah...:-)

february 28, 2001...

wow....i have been on cloud nine for the past few days and i couldn't possible be any happier....then again, i could have my car back, and that would make me really happy. that piece of shit is just that...a piece of shit. it needs a new fan, and thermostat....it really sucks. now, how am i gonna get up to rhode island for spring break? i have no freakin' clue. i need to work to pay off what i'm gonna owe on my card...but i have time to do that, right? i have to go see my baby...:-) i smile every time that i think about him. wanna hear something really weird though? see, when i went to work the sunday after i was stranded at the house, neal was there, and he said that he was disappointed that i didn't go over to his place to say hello...we would've "put on the electric blanket, made some popcorn, and popped in a movie..." he said he would've treated me like a queen! what the heck is that?? should i take him as being serious?? i'm not really sure....he's a cool guy, and even though he and i are *together,* we're not when we're in different states...does that make any sense? i don't know. i miss him already...but i'm kinda curious as to what is going on inside neal's head. and now i come to find out that a certain sister of mine is trying to push another guy onto me so that she can get with jerry...well, sorry...but he said no way....he doesn't "lay on sofas." yeah, that's rude and all, but i don't care. you don't do that to someone...especially not your sister! i said that i liked him...so that's where she should back off, right? that's just ridiculous. if she had said that she liked him before i did, then i would've backed away. then he'd be her territory. and even though jerry said that we're only gonna be friends because of working together, still...that's stupid for her to be pissed at me because of him liking me. isn't it stupid?i don't know...

but yeah, other than that, i'm fantastic...:-)

march 8, 2001...

welp, spring break is coming up...can i just tell you how much i want to get the hell away from glassboro?? see, i knew that there was a reason why i got along better with guys than i did with girls...do you have any idea how freakin' petty and caddy girls are? it's ridiculous! especially when it has to do with your sister! that's just stupid! if you weigh 300 lbs, people are not gonna like you because of your appearance...i'm sorry...that's just not gonna happen. and to think that they have to pretend that guys like them is hideous to me too. you know, it's not all that often that someone expresses interest in me...and now that it is happening, people just have to push me down...i think that's wrong. and i'm gonna tell people about it too. i thought things were supposed to be different with sisters. you're supposed to love each other and help one another,right? notpush them down when they get something that you want. i mean jesus!! this is stupid! i wish that i had the balls to say all of this to the people that i'm writing this about. i want to be able to tell them that i think they suck, but, alas, that's not gonna happen. i just don't have the balls to do it.

but hey, on a lighter, much happier note, i will be in rhode island in 8 days...8 days!!! how awesome is that? i can't wait to see him again...my heart is pounding just thinking about it...:-) providence, here i come...

march 16, 2001...

today is the day!!!!! oh my god, i'm so excited!!! we're leaving at like 4:30pm and i can't wait!! in just 4 and a half hours, i will be on my way to rhode island...that is just so cool!!! i'm so unbelievably happy right now...i can hardly contain myself! can you tell? it'll just be so great to be in the same place with him again. and monika and brianne are coming with me, so that'll make it all the more fun! providence, here we come!!!

on a bad note...not that i want to leave you on one of those, but oh well...apparently, the crows have a costume of ours...i didn't know about anything cause i was just told to call my big and ask them for it back. well, someone (i'm not gonna mention any names) is flipping out and he ended up calling the cops because we have a STUPID CROW AND A RUBBER RAT!!! sorry...got a little carried away there...he filed a report and now everyone's all pissed off at one another. it's crazy stuff. i don't know. i didn't really know anything about it...until the day after it all happened. sometimes guys can really suck, you know? things aren't really that much better with the certain person that i was complaining about earlier, but she's stayed out of my way, so it's okay. we'll see what happens though when the pledges get in...:-)

march 21, 2001...

well...i'm back...thank god! why did i go again? oh yeah...to see him, right? and wouldn't you think that he'd want to see me too? of course not! he was more interested in smoking up and drinking than he was in seeing me! okay yeah...so i'm jealous. i'm allowed to be. i had no idea that he was into this shit this bad. maybe i'm overreacting. i don't know. all i do know is that i was really scared the one night at finnegan's when i had way too much to drink and he didn't seem to care. i told him that i wanted to leave...but he didn't listen...he wanted to drink more. i don't think he even remembers what happened. he let my sister go off with some guy, and the other one was hooking up with someone else...and the funny thing is that i was more worried about them than i was about myself. i don't like the person he is when he smokes. and now he says that he isn't going to do it anymore until 420. that's all fine and dandy, but i'm not going to see him again until then...so it'll be no different to me. what happened to the guy i fell in love with? i know he's in there somewhere. i just wish i could get back to him. when we talked *very briefly* before we left, and i saw that guy in him. it was only when we were alone. i don't know. i guess i'm just being stupid...but this formal better be worth it. i'm not about wo spend 150 bucks on this if i'm not going to have a good time. i had a lousy time at the last one...and now that i'm actually going with the person that i want to go with *i think* it better be worth it....

april 18, 2001...

well...i walked like an egyptian last night...that was fun. i felt like such an ass...everyone was up on stage in practically nothing...and they looked good...but then there was me. yeah...i'll never do that again. that was so embarrassing. the formal is on saturday...and dad and i aren't getting along...as usual. i don't know what to do about that anymore...i want to get away. far away from here. is that too much to ask? why can't i live in the sorority house next year? so he can have someone to yell at? god knows he doesn't yell at his precious boys. they're perfect...and then there's me. what the hell am i gonna do about this? we've never gotten along...but now it's worse than it's ever been. i don't know...

april 23, 2001...

okay...yeah...that was the worst time of my life. the formal sucked my ass. i can't believe i lived through that. i have never cried as much as i did this weekend. and it wasn't because i was sad, it was because i was beyond angry. my emotions kinda just exploded and i couldn't control them anymore. how could they do that to me? that's just wrong! i no longer have a pledge sister named monika, and i don't have a friend named david either. i'm done...finished...finito. i'm through being little miss i can take everything with a grain of salt...cause i can't do it anymore. i'm going to let all of my feelings go and i refuse to regret it later. this is ridiculous. i'm done. i sent him a nice little email today...i can't wait til he reads it. and i can't wait until the meeting tonight so i can tell her off...it's gonna be quite the show....

may 16, 2001...

okay, so i didn't kick her ass. i wish i did though. things haven't really gotten any better for me...i think i'm depressed. i really do. sometimes i'm in my room and i just cry. it doesn't happen very often, but it still happens. i put on this facade that i'm this super happy person but on the inside, i'm falling apart. i want to go far away from here. far enough away that i won't know anyone, no one will know me, and i can start all over. i need to get away from everything that i know. my friend is depressed because he likes this girl, and she doesn't like him back...so what, right? he complains to me about it all the time, like i don't have enough problems of my own!! i mean, granted, i like that he comes to me with his problems, but how can i possible help him when i can't even help myself? i feel like such a bad friend when that happens. and i heard from david the other day...he said he was worried because he hadn't heard from me in such a long time. HELLO! can we say, *braindead?* what the hell? no kidding he hasn't heard from me! i want him to drop dead!! i have no feelings toward that slime anymore. i can't. i won't let myself get sucked in again. no way. i know what i want, and i know who i want. and if i can't have who i want, then i won't have anyone. it's as simple as that. sound good to you? yeah? sounds good to me too...now let's see if i can stick to that...

june 14, 2001...

okay...so i went to the *Nsync concert last night...that was SO COOL!!! yeah, okay, i'm a dork. i went with lucas, and we had great seats...and it was just phenomenal! the lights and visual effects were great. much better than BSB...*sorry sandy* anyhoo, nothing has really been going on. but, i've come to the conclusion that i want someone to be near me all the time. there are these freakin' people on IM that keep telling me that i'm cute, and that i'm nice...but they don't know me. at all. i can't believe what they say...none of them have seen a picture of me, and they only say these things based on what i've told them. yes, i tell the truth, but i still hate the way i look. i've been trying to lose weight, and i have...but it's not enough. i want to be one of those girls that make guys' heads turn. not because i'm revolting...but because i'm nice to look at. i think that there is a pretty person inside of me that's eager to get out. i don't know. i'm just in a weird mood lately. i think i'm depressed. seriously. but no one believes me. it's bad. ever since the formal, i've been in such a bad mood. and now amy is with jerry. AMY!! of all people! i don't know. i'm okay with that. i really am...if they're happy, who am i to stand in their way, right?? i don't know. maybe i should join a convent...then i won't have to deal with it...i just don't know...

june 18, 2001...

happy birthday to brother sean! yay! how are things with me?? pretty much unchanged. i went to see "grease" the other night with jessi and jason. that was cool i guess. the show kinda sucked, but oh well. jason wants me to get my beads that he got for me at mardi gras. and i want to get them, but i don't know if i can. he just wants something stupid, but i don't think i can bring myself to do that. see, i want to be happy, but i can't...some people have it in their heads that i'm a slut...me! yeah right! i'm still little miss innocent for the most part. it's just that i don't think i can do whatever it is that he wants when i'm so depressed. i don't do anything anymore. when i don't have to work, i just stay home in my room. cause i can't really hang out with lucas anymore...it's just not the same. we don't get to hang out like we used to...it used to be him and me all of the time, and i don't really know what happened. when he came home from school, he was totally different. like he didn't want to be my friend anymore. all he ever does is talk about how much he misses his friends from school, and it's never anything about me anymore. and maybe i'm being selfish. i don't know. what i do know is that i want my best friend back. i miss the person that i could call at 3:30 in the morning and talk to, even if he was asleep. i can't do that anymore, and it really bothers me. what can i do? and i know that i've gone off on a huge tangent from when i started this entry, but oh well. i need a change...that's what i need...

july 8, 2001...

hey...well, i'm here...that's about it...i'm not any happier....you know, i never thought that i'd want to die..but i do. i can't take this anymore. i feel as though i can't do anything right, and it's finally getting to me. i've tried to talk to dad about it, but he says i'm just imagining it. but i know that i'm not. this is stupid, and i know that, but i can't do it anymore. i'm 20 years old, and i shouldn't be feeling like this. i can't do anything without someone getting upset at me. i blew up at anna on the 4th...now she's a total bitch to me. i can't deal with that. i think what i need is a new job. at least for the summer. cause that way i will be away from her until she leaves. i don't know. i just want to get away. i want to go to arizona. i want to see my brother, and i want to get far away from here. jersey sucks. and that's all there is to it...

july 15, 2001...

CONGRATS TO JOHN AND SHANNON!!! they got married yesterday. wow...another one bites the dust. seriously though, the wedding was wonderful, and shannon looked absolutely beautiful. i'm so happy for them. and i am in love. i'm kidding. i just have a new crush. brandy's brother brandon. he's so damn cute!! i got up enough courage to dance with him...that was fun. i will survive...hey hey. i saw monika too...and i thought that was ognna be weird, but it really wasn't. i think that i've forgiven her. but i don't think that i will ever forgive david. he never apologized for what he did. she did though. we had a long talk, and i'm glad that we did. i think that we needed it. however, there is one sister of ADE that i would like to hurt...i won't mention any names. one problem about brandon though...he has a girlfriend. who is is "totally dedicated" to...that's what brandy told me. oh well...i can fix that. or at least i can try. anyhoo, jason and jessi are coming home today. i'm excited about that. :-) i miss them. we have a meeting at the sorority tonight. that should be fun. i can't wait til my big says something...cause then i'll say something back to her. that's gonna be fun. i can see it now. my sister broke up with her boyfriend the other night. she's all upset about that. he's a good guy, and she cares about him a lot, but she's always working, and he's at school...so they didn't really have time for each other. that's understandable. i just hope that they can stay friends. that would be good for both of them. more power to them if they can do it. god knows that i'm not good at it. i'm thinking about you kell...always remember that...

goin' home...:-)