The Simpson's Quotes













D'Oh!
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"Trying is the first step to failure."
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Homer: "No TV and no beer make Homer go something, somthing"
Marge: "Go Crazy?"
Homer: "Don't mind if I do!" (goes wild and crazy)
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"REDRUM"
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"I AM THE LIZARD QUEEN!"
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"yummie yummie yummie i got love in my tummy an i feel like lovin u"
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"EAT MY SHORTS"
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"Hey, Homer, I'm worried about the beer supply. After this case, and the other case, there's only one case left..."
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Homer: "Is Poop Deck what I think it is?"
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"I wasn't asleep, I was drunk"
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"My beer, my beer, my beautiful beer!"
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"The other day I was so desperate for a beer I snuck into the football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers."
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Homer: operator!! get me the number for 911!!
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"All right, brain, you don't like me and I don't like you but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer."
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"I don't know where you magic pixies came from, but I like your pixie drink."
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"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddy's, and kids with fake IDs."
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"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
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"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
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"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems."
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"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"
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"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life.
Number one, 'cover for me.'
Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.'
Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"
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"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"
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"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."
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"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."
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"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really Half-assed. That's the American way."
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"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what's-his-name?"
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"We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"
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"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'"
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"Marge, send the kids to the neighbors, I'm going to Moe's and coming back loaded."
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"Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!"
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"Please do not offer my god a peanut!" ~~ Apu Nahasapeemapetilon
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"Young lady, in this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics" ~~Homer
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"Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers." ~~ Homer
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"Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?" ~~ Homer
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"Curse you, magic beans!" ~~ Homer
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"Barney (on hospitality): If you get hungry, there's an open beer in the fridge."
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"Homer: All right, let's not panic. I'll make money back by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one."
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"Homer: Marge, sometimes the only way to make yourself feel good is to make others feel bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good."
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" Scully: Right, now I will ask you a few simple questions and you respond honestly. Do you understand? Homer: Yes. "
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"Homer (to Marge on the idea of his Dad and her Mum getting together): If he marries your mother, Marge, we'll be brother and sister! And then our kids, they'll be horrible freaks with pink skin, no overbites and five fingers on each hand."
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"Homer: Hmmm. I guess Bart's not to blame. He's lucky too, because it's spanking season, and I got a hankering for some spankering!"
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"Bart: Soul? Come on Milhouse, there's no such thing as a soul! It's just something they make up to scare kids, like the Boogie Man or Michael Jackson."
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"Homer (after catching Bart stealing): I've figured the boy's punishment.
First: he's grounded. No leaving the house, not even for school.
Second: no eggnog. In fact no nog period.
And third, absolutely no stealing for three months."
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"Mr. Burns: Ooops, lost a nail. Well, that's leprosy for you."
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"Heh Heh Heh! Lisa! Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos!"
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"My baloney has a first name, its h-o-m-e-r, My baloney has a second name, its h-o-m-e-r..."
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"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand."
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Homer: "Quiet, I can't hear myself think."
Brain: "I want some peanuts."
Homer: "That's better."
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"Life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead."
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"Be quiet, Brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip"
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"If something is too hard, give it up. The moral my boy is too never try anything"
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Homer: "AHHH! Donuts. . . What can't they do."
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Bart: (praying) "Dear Lord, if you let Homer not embarrass us, we promise to build 14 churches in your honor.
Lisa: "Bart.. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo..."
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"If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, its that girls should stick to girl's sports, such as hot oil wrestling foxy boxy and such and such..."
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Marge: "Homer, It's funny but I've noticed that my mom and your dad are very lonely."
Homer: "Heh Heh! That is Funny!"
Marge: "They need to spend time together..."
Homer: "Marge, old people don't need companionship, they need to be isolated and studied to see what useful nutrients can be obtained from them..."
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"I gave my love a chicken, it had no bones. Mmmmm Chicken!"
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Homer: "Oh, and how is education supposed to make me feel smarter. Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine making course and I forgot how to drive?"
Marge: "That's because you were drunk"
Homer: "[Contentedly] And how!"
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"And this tasty little package and are served with a delicious red sauce: it looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup, BUT BROTHER, IT AIN'T KETCHUP!"
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Lisa: "Dad do you have any fruit?"
Homer: "This donut has purple in the middle, purple is a fruit."
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Homer: "You know rock took a turn in 1974, its a scientific fact!"
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Homer: "You couldn't fool your mother on your most foolingist day of your life, even if you had an electrified fooling machine."
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Homer: "Ooh, the Internet is on computers now."
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Homer: "Everything looks bad if you remember it."
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Homer: "Sweet Merciful crap!"
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"Homer: "It takes two to lie: One to lie and one to listen."
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Homer: "Rules? I'm a rocker. I don't care about rules!"
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"Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?"
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"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try"
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"That dog has a puffy tail!"
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"You never know when an old calendar might come in handy! Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?"
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Bart: (to Homer) "What religion are you?"
Homer: "You know the one with all the well-meaning rules that dont help in the end anyway"
Bart: "Christianity?"
Homer: "YEA thats tha one!!!"
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"(praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch). "
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"What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway."
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"Pig: (through some bushes and across a highway)
Homer: It's just a little dirty! It's still good, it's still good!
Pig: (hits the side of a bridge and falls of its cart and into the river)
Homer: It's just a little slimy! It's still good, it's still good!
Pig: (flows into the dam where it gets lodged in a drain hole. As the pressure builds it finally shoots out the other side and flies across the sky)
Homer: It's just a little airborne! It's still good, it's still good!
Bart: Dad, face it. It's gone.
Homer: Oow I know"
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"Homer: (drunk at the bar with Scully and Mulder during one of the Halloween episodes) So I said red M&M, Blue M&M, they all end up the same color in the end!"
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