“Perfect” I said as I had snapped the last photo.
“That’s it?” Lance asked as a smile covered his face
“That’s all” I said as I started to pack my equipment. “Now get the hell out of here, I’m tired of seeing your pretty faces” I joked.
The guys chuckled a little bit, just to humor me I suppose. Chris and Justin raced out of the room while Joey followed screaming “wait up guys”. I turned and went over to finish packing up the shoot, assuming the other two lingering men would catch the hint and leave. I heard mumbles between the two; I couldn’t make out any words. The sound of footsteps heading further away caused me to smile.
Upon turning back around, I lost the smile. He was still there, waiting like usual. Any other time I wouldn’t have been so upset to still have company but my day was hectic, the day was booked with 12 photo shoots and how I made it through them all without a major outburst was a miracle. I could now feel that outburst bubbling inside of me, begging to get out.
“What’s wrong?” JC questioned
I guess he could read the pissed off expression I was wearing.
“8,062 exposures. I’m backed up from the weekend, I’m overbooked for the next 3 days, I have no time for this little chit chat that you plan on having, I have a lot of work I need to get done”
“Sorry” he said, with a little smirk on his face. He had to do that on purpose, how the hell could anybody say no to a face like that?
I sighed, placed my hand on my head. “Don’t be, it’s not your fault,” I said
“So I guess asking you to go out with me somewhere would REALLY be out of the question tonight,” he said as he started to lightly rock in his seat
“We’ve been through this countless times JC, and I cant believe you’re bringing it up again. I cant go anywhere with you, you signed a contract for a reason, and so did I. As cliché as it sounds, we have to keep our relationship professional”
He looked down on the ground and coughed lightly. I knew what was coming next, one of his romantic speeches to try to make me change my mind. Been there, done that, it would never work.
“Sometimes…” he started “I wonder what it would be like if we were together” he stopped, smiled, looked at me very seductively and then continued “just imagine the pictures we could take with that camera” he stopped once again, and looked down on the floor.
Hold on now. Did I just hear what I think I heard? Did I take it the right way? I’m thinking JC, leather whips, handcuffs, a camera, and me. Is that what he meant? Normally, he goes on and on about holding hands this, and going on a date that, but now PORN?
“What?” I was able to stutter out.
“I just want to hold you so badly, I want you to be mine,” he said, steering away from another sexual invitation.
I guess I just don’t know how to handle these things. I was left with a complete loss of words.
Silence for five minutes
Silence for ten minutes
I go back to the leather whips and handcuff thoughts.
Silence for fifteen minutes
“I love you,” he declared. The silence shattered into billions of pieces on the floor and I almost scamper to pick them all up, glue them back together and pretend he didn’t just say that.
I cough. “Don’t say that”
“But I mean it” he said
“DON’T SAY IT,” I yelled, my voice echoing around the room
“I LOVE YOU,” he yelled back, matching my tone.
“WHY DO YOU PLAY WITH LOVE AS IF IT WERE A GAME?” I screamed. The outburst had been released. I sat down on the floor, in a cradle position, and started to rock back and forth. I rested my head on my knee and then continued. “I don’t want love, I don’t need love, and love sure as hell doesn’t need me”
“Why wont you just give me a chance?” he asked as he sat down next to me “I don’t think I’m asking to much from you here, all I want is a chance. You keep giving me nothing, but right now it’s all I’ve got so I’m not going to just give up and go away like you want me to”
“You can have anybody you want, you can do whatever you want, why do you waste your time with your poetic love garbage? You have your whole life in front of you, fall in love later, worry about having fun now” I said, trying to detour him.
“Beth, stop being so stubborn” he said. He stood up and looked down at me “just think about it” he said. He walked down the hall and closed the door after him.
Why must everything always end in tears? I had a mom and dad, they ended in tears, I had an uncle Rudy, he ended in tears. I fear that whatever I fall in love with will end in tears.
I finished packing, and threw on my coat and scarf, preparing to fight the snow that was falling heavily outside. I found him where I always found him after he had supposedly left, leaning up against my car.
“I’m the stubborn one?” I said with a smile, surprised that I had joked in a situation such as this.
“You knew I would be here, I’m always here” he responded
“We’re going to finish this, get in the car Chasez,” I said as I unlocked the doors.
He quickly got in the passenger side and shut the door behind him. The ride back to my house was filled with nothing but silence, JC looked out the window the whole time while I concentrated on driving. We pulled in the drive way and I turned the car off. Neither of us got out, we both just sat there taking in the ongoing silence.
Unsure of the situation, I got out of the car, with JC following my lead. We got into the living room.
“Sit down” I instructed while gesturing to the couch. He did what he was told and sat. I took my position in the recliner across from him.
“I love you,” he cooed softly.
The anger sparked inside of me. “We have no past, you know nothing about me, you can not possibly love me,” I stated as calmly as I could.
“I know we don’t have a past, but I know for sure that I would love to have a future with you, and I’d like to know everything I can about you, let me in Beth, please, tell me your favorite color, and show me what you look like when you wake up on Monday mornings, and experience with me the accomplishments of your dreams.”
Silence whirled in the air.
“Why is it when I’m around you I’m at a loss for words, I never have anything to say, or rather, I can never get my thoughts balanced so I know what I want to say” I said quickly
If he was waiting for me to give in, he would have been there forever because it wasn’t going to happen. I was too used to being alone to let somebody in that easily. If JC wanted me he was going to have to prove it. If JC was in love with me he was going to have to give me more.
“Ok, maybe this is what I should say… I can see myself falling in love with you” he stated
“That is much easier for me to accept,” I said, not fully believing him but humoring him anyway.
More silence loomed around us.
“What’s your favorite color?” he asked
“What?” I questioned back
“Your favorite color?” he asked once again
“Orange”
“Ok, now you ask me a question” he replied
“Did you vote for Bush or Gore?” I asked
He roled his eyes “As an American citizen I feel it would go against my contantutional rights to give out such important information... I am a Floridian after all" he joked, then started again "My turn… Why arent we together?"
He had to be kidding right? I know for a fact why, but could I flat out say it to his face? But hey, keeping things hidden will get you nowhere in life.
“Because contracts are the hindrance of us being in a relationships" I responded. Althought I thought I wasnt going to do it, I kept it hidden. I'm going nowhere with my life. I lied.
“I don’t know why it can’t just happen, two people who want to be together that have to be barricaded apart”
“Who are we fooling? We both know even if there wasn’t a contract, I still wouldn’t go anywhere near you”
“Why are you so scared? What happened?” he probed.
“Everything I have ever loved I have lost. I don’t want love because I don’t think I can handle being hurt anymore. Every time I get the chance, I push it away”
“It is better to have loved then to have never loved at all”
“Yes, and I’ve already had my fair share, I don’t want it anymore because I cant handle it”
“I’m not giving up on you”
“I’m not giving into you”
