>>Chapter 4<<
Journal,
The phone is right in front of me. You would think it wouldn’t be so hard to pick it up and dial a series of numbers, but trust me; it’s an impossible task for me to handle. I want so badly to hear his voice, but yet I still keep myself distanced.
[insert teardrops]
Why do I keep hurting myself like this? I think deep down in the hidden depths of me I rejoice in this suffering and except it for all it is. Somebody once told me that pain is inevitable but the suffering is always optional. If it was optional, that means I am choosing to do this to myself. But I can’t figure out why I am doing this. Is it as simple as saying I like having sleepless nights and agony stinging at my heart? Or am I just not able to get past it?
[insert furrowed eyebrows]
I make everything too complicated
Just pick up the phone
And dial the numbers
555-3952
Just pick up the phone
Who am I kidding? I don’t think I’m ready for this right now. I think I need to relax, take a Motrin IB and a hot bath. Sooth the nerves and then work up the courage to call him.
[insert sigh]
He’s ruining my life and he’s hardly a part of it again. I can’t image what it’s going to be like when he’s actually playing a role. It better not hurt this much. I don’t think my body would be able to handle the stress. My heart just might cave in and give out.
[insert sarcastic comeback]
Nice to know I’m so optimistic all the time huh?
Calista
--
Journal,
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." I'm pretty sure I have been granted the first and second of the three listed above. What I have NOT been granted with in my life is the "wisdom to know the difference". The most that I do know is that I can’t change the past.
I’m not sure if I can even change myself. For instance, I will always have a sick deranged infatuated crush on David Duchovny. If I close my eyes and tilt my head slightly to the left I can perfectly picture Scully getting viciously mauled by one of those damn aliens she’s always looking for. I hate Scully.
Getting back to the Joey thing at hand though, I’m not sure if things are possible to change or not. Joey and I went out for five years and one day he just woke up and decided he wanted somebody else. I hated him so much for that because I didn’t know what to do without him. I was with him for so long that I couldn’t properly function being on my own. I’ve gotten so much better since then and I don’t want to fall in the same trap again. Knowing how hard it is to change things, I’m not sure if Joey is the best thing for me right now.
But it feels so wrong to be without him, especially now that he wants be back.
That’s it. I’m calling him right now.
Calista
