>>Chapter 6<<
Journal,
Upon going over Joey’s house I realized what a total fool I was. I realized how desperate I was acting by leaving him message after message and filling my head with intangible hopes and aspirations.
I’m stupid for thinking things could have changed and worked out and I’m kicking myself right now for such inane thoughts.
Of course I’m going to write down every minor and simplistic detail about what happened and of course the pain in doing so is going to be anything but minor and simplistic.
I go over to Joey’s apartment because I’m tired of him not returning my phone calls and not ever picking up the phone when I call him.
I ring the doorbell and some dejected skanky little bleach blonde Britney Spears wanna-be in a halter-top and mini skirt answers the door like she owns the place.
I am in utter shock
She blows a bubble and pops it with her finger. She giggles at the pink residue left over on her upper lip. I scoff at her mere stupidity and child-like antics. Figures he picks something like her to get back at me. She’s too stupid to realize she’s only a ploy, something that will only have one use and then be returned to it’s trailer park.
She asks me what I want like I’m the lesser one in the situation and I simply inform her that I must have the wrong address. She said she understands. I don’t believe her. The only thing she understands is hairspray, bubble-gum and sex with boys. I smile a fake plastered on smile and then turn around and leave.
My initial thought on the situation was I did exactly what he wanted me to. I crawled back to him. He wanted to make sure he still had his power over me and the sick, sad truth is that he did and he realized he could get away with it. It’s a matter of him telling me to jump and me asking him how high. The only thing I am to him now is a joke. He gets a kick out of this above anything else. I am truly pathetic.
Then, after that, I think that maybe I was wrong. Maybe there is a reason behind all of this and maybe I just jumped to conclusions to quickly. I keep telling myself I was wrong, maybe she was something totally different to him and I left in too much of a panic and heartbreak to stick around and uncover the reality based truth.
But then I think about it even more and the truth I am looking for is far from reality based. When I realized this I cried more then I ever had in my life because it’s an intense amount of pain for one single person to endure.
The fact that he picked her over me is absolutely disgusts me.
I can’t believe I wasted a large amount of time out of my life on somebody who is worth nothing to me now. If I had only know it at the time that he was not who he pretended to be, that our relationship was destined to be a failure, that the warning signs at the very beginning were saying that he was far from worth it, maybe I would have been the one to have packed up and shipped out. Because by letting him break up with me he won. I was only a game to him and I spoon fed and walked him all around the board. I set everything up perfectly for him to win.
I’m a loser. I could have prevented myself from being the loser, but I didn’t.
I guess I’m just destined to be a fuck up.
Calista
