One

"Did you ever see me watching from the periphery? I was playing another game. I hoped you'd catch on all the same."

- Sheila Nicholls

The seating was based on order of height. That's the way it's always been done and that will be the way it always will be done. No one ever questioned it. It worked, so why change it? The shortest in the front, the tallest in the back. Simple enough. Then there were those in the middle, not quite tall, not quite short. Quinn sat somewhere in the middle. It did not matter exactly where she sat. She was in the middle. A few seats down from her was J.R. That was the last bit of irony. J.R. and Quinn began a few seats apart not that long ago, and now, they were ending the same way. It's like none of it ever happened. In all reality, it didn't happen. J.R. was a few seats away from Quinn, just as he was that March. It should be pointed out that Kathie was sitting a row in front of J.R., so she was not directly in his line of vision, much like how she was out of the picture a few months ago. Things were no different then they were that March. J.R. was alone, confused, looking for something that was not around.

J.R. would spend his nights trying to paint a picture, any picture at all. It used to be so easy for him. He remembered a time when he would pound out a painting a week. They were never all that great, but at least he was productive. That March, it was gone. He'd hold a pencil or a brush up to a blank canvass, hoping a vision would come to him. It never did. Ever once and a while, he would put done the brush and begin pacing around the room, hoping a vision would come to him. It never did. Then, J.R. would give up. He didn't really give up, he just pretended he'd given up, hoping a vision would come to him. It never did.

J.R.'s creative block put a damper on the rest of his life. He was moody, withdrawn, unhappy. No one really noticed. That sounded pretty bad, didn't it? It's just an observation. J.R. was always shy, so when his attitude changed, there were not that many people around to see it. Steve saw it. Steve would do his best to cheer J.R. up. It usually did not work. He would often catch J.R. just gazing out to the nothingness beyond the window in homeroom. That's how he found J.R. the morning that Quinn no longer was just a person sitting a few seats down. J.R. was being his usual, depressed self when Steve sat down beside him. He asked what the interest of staring at the rain was? It wasn't like there was some poor girl wearing a white t-shirt caught in the downfall. J.R. thought about laughing at the comment, but restrained. He didn't want to give Steve the satisfaction. It wasn't that funny to begin with. It could have been funnier, but not with Steve saying it. It was a sentence best suited to come from the mouth of Niles.

Steve knew why J.R. was the way he was. J.R. knew why he was the way he was. Kathie. J.R. loved her. Well, he thought he loved her. Then he realized he didn't. Upon realizing that, he could no longer be friends with her. The thrill was gone. When he thought he loved her, there was the possibility that they could have become a couple. That possibility kept the friendship together. When it was gone, J.R. couldn't stick around. J.R. has said repeatedly to himself and to others that he was over Kathie. He wasn't. If he was, he would no longer know that it had been nine months since he last talked to her. But J.R. knew it was nine months. J.R. knew a lot. He knew Kathie was nothing more than a fascination taken too far. She was a pipe dream. Despite of it all, he could not get her out of his system. He rationalized it to the best of his ability. He felt the only reason he was still hung up on Kathie was because there was no one else out there for him.

J.R. blamed anyone he could. He blamed Steve, solely because Steve was part of the same clique he was. The clique no longer existed. It died out. There once was a strong group of friends, but fate took them in different ways. That is not part of this story, so it really won't be mentioned again, aside from maybe a passing comment. The point was, J.R., now in March of his senior year, knew it was too late to join another clique, make new friends, all that wonderful high school bullshit. He didn't even want to, if he could. He was too tired to do so.

Steve's eyes lit up just as J.R. finished his rant about the woes of the high school class system. He knew what J.R. needed. More specifically, he knew who J.R. needed. She was possibly one of the greatest girls around and only a few seats down from J.R.

"Who is this Wonder Girl?" J.R. asked Steve, doubting someone would have been able to reach him.

Steve pointed to Quinn, the girl a few seats away from J.R. It was not love at first sight. Instead of seizing the day and approaching Quinn, J.R. questioned Steve even further. "Didn't you date her a few years ago?" "How can she be that special, Niles dated her last summer?"

Steve again stated that Quinn would be good for him. She would take his mind off Kathie. J.R. was getting angry. He tried to tell Steve his mind was off Kathie. Steve wouldn't hear it. If J.R.'s mind was off Kathie, than he would not know it had been nine months. Steve then threw an insult J.R.'s way. The actual insult is not important, just know it implied that J.R. was a "little bitch." J.R. came back the only way he could, "Fuck off." Steve chastised him for not being very creative in the comeback department. This playful banter temporarily halted J.R.'s misery, but soon enough, he was brought right back to it.

"Hey, you're good with words, I'm good with painting," J.R. told Steve, not knowing what he said. Steve, of course, asked how long it had been since J.R. completed a painting. J.R. looked down, almost in shame, as he said, "Nine months." The connection was obvious, even to the most oblivious person.

Speaking of oblivious persons, I have failed to Niles. Believe or not, he actually factored greatly into this story. Niles played a part that needed to be played. A ball had to start rolling. Niles dropped that ball.

Steve was walking down the hallway alone after his homeroom chat with J.R. Niles jumped onto Steve's back and shouted, "Onward Bitch." Steve screamed in pain and threw him off. Niles laughed, like he always did. It was one of those unique laughs, more like a cackle. It was distinct, to say the least. He laughed like that a lot. It substituted for words he did not have. The laugh was for lack of a better expression at any given time. Steve wasn't laughing. He rolled up his left sleeve and checked to see if the bandage was still on. It was. Niles saw the bandage and asked what happened.

"Oh, I was trying to rig the camera onto the top of my car and the eye piece fell off. It rolled under the car. I scrapped up my arm as a reached around for it," Steve said, rolling his sleeve back down. Oh, did I forget to mention that Steve makes movies? Over the past few years, he had made quite a few video epics, most of which starred Niles.

Steve asked Niles what he wanted. Coincidently, Niles wanted to know when he was going to make another movie. Not having anything else to do, Niles wanted to do another. Steve gave Niles the bad news. As soon as he finished the pick-up shots and the editing of his latest venture, he was taking a short break from filmmaking. He was a bit worn out from it. Niles made Steve promise to let him know when they could make another movie. Steve promised Niles would be the first to hear about it.

I bet you're wondering how what Niles had to do with J.R. and Kathie. I was just about to get to that. Niles asked Steve what he was up to that night, Steve told him that he was going to try to cheer up J.R. Niles knew as well as Steve did that J.R. was still hung up on Kathie. Steve also mentioned that he was going to try to set up J.R. with Quinn.

Niles, not knowing what else to say and failing to laugh, asked, "My Quinn?"

She had not been "his Quinn" since that summer, yet for some reason, Niles did not understand that. To him, she was still "his Quinn." Niles commented to Steve that J.R. better back off. J.R. was not even pursuing her, yet Niles did not understand that. To him, J.R. was trying to take away "his Quinn." He was not about to let that happen. The ball had dropped.

J.R. and Steve went out to dinner that night. J.R. thought it would just be the two of them. Steve did not tell him a third was arriving shortly. J.R. did not find out until the waiter asked if they were ready and Steve responded that they were still waiting on someone. J.R. shot him a dirty look after Steve refused to tell him who the third person would be.

For the first time ever, Quinn was no longer a few seats away from J.R. She was right next to him after she arrived at sat down at the table. Steve introduced the two of them formally and shifted the conversation to J.R.'s painting skills. Quinn seemed genuinely interested, but J.R. was not in the mood for talking. He spoke in as few words as possible. Steve commented that he was in a slump. If there ever was the absolutely wrong thing to say, that was it. J.R. held a private life. He was content with keeping it private. Steve's comment would inevitably follow with Quinn's asking of why he was in slump. That's how the "getting to know one another" process works. J.R. claimed he was not in a slump, he was merely suffering from a lack of motivation.

"Correct me if I'm wrong," Steve said, "but isn't that the textbook definition of 'a slump'?"

"I don't want to talk about it," J.R. mumbled. Steve tried to pry it out of him. Quinn stood up for J.R., saying he didn't have to talk if he didn't want to."

J.R. so rudely replied back, "I don't need you to stick up for me. I can speak for myself." Quinn didn't know what to say next. Steve tried telling J.R. to calm down, only to be told to shut up. Quinn wanted to leave. She stood up and put her napkin down. She no longer had a reason to be there.

The ball swung down like a wrecking ball. Just as Quinn made her attempt to leave, in came Niles with a lovely lady by his side. J.R. knew this lovely lady. He used to know her well. More recently, he could not say that. She couldn't be the same person anymore, he wasn't the same person anymore. It had, after all, been nine months.

"Where are you off to in such a hurry?" Niles asked Quinn as he moved her back to the table. "Stay for a while, we just got here." Niles and Kathie sat down at the table with Steve, Quinn, and a very upset J.R. He was at the point of tears. The site of Kathie as like two simultaneous gunshots, one to the heart and one to the stomach. He wanted to stand up and run off, but he couldn't, he was trapped in at the table. His heart began beating faster than usual. He tried to take himself away from it all, miles and miles away. But no matter where he tried to go, he could hear echoes of Steve's voice, and Niles' voice, and Quinn's voice, and without a doubt, Kathie's voice. These voices were saying things, but J.R. could not make sense out of any of it. He did his best to apply to any sound that beared a resemblance to his name. He hoped that they were asking how he was doing, because the only thing he could say was, "I'm fine." He wasn't fine though, he was going to vomit. J.R. jumped up in panicked manor, doing his best to hold back everything that was rushing forward while also excusing himself from the table. He bolted to the bathroom and collapsed by the toilet.

Steve stopped by J.R.'s house later on in the night. As it turns out, he left shortly after J.R.'s exit. Steve did not know J.R. was in the bathroom, he thought he left the restaurant. Steve told this to J.R., hoping he would find it funny. J.R. didn't laugh.

"I figured you'd be a little weirded out by that run in with Kathie," Steve remarked as he sat down on J.R.'s couch. J.R. sat down across from him on his bed.

"I've seen her before," he replied, still not having much to say."

"Yeah, but tonight, you two were in the same one foot vicinity."

"I can deal with it."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

Steve knew J.R. was not ready to talk about it. He wasn't mad about it. He got up and told J.R. that he would let himself out. Steve walked out of the room. J.R. sat there alone. He then got up and walked over to a blank canvass. He picked up a paint brush. For a moment, he saw something on the canvass. It was fleeting. Very quickly, whatever J.R. saw was gone. He put the paint brush down and went to bed.

J.R. expected Quinn to go back to being a person a few seats away from him once more. He wasn't the friendliest person the previous night. He never expected her to approach him in school the next morning to ask how he was. She was reaching out to him, but went about it the wrong way. One of the first things out her mouth was, "Kathie told me what happened to you two."

J.R. knew this wasn't going to be a conversation he wanted to get into, not then, not with her, probably not ever. Quinn suggested that J.R. should call Kathie. Apparently, Kathie missed J.R. She wanted to be his friend again. Quinn went on like that for some time. J.R. was unresponsive.

"Does any of this mean something to you?" Quinn said out of anger. She was trying her best, not only to help two people become friends again, but to also possibly make of a friend of her own out of J.R.

"Not really," J.R. said. At least it sounded like, "Not really." He was not extremely vocal.

Remember how I said just a half page up about how Quinn went about starting the conversation the wrong way. Well, she kinda said one more of those "wrong things," but this actually had a good effect, it got a response out of J.R.

"It's not like you two were dating and had a bad break up. I don't see why you can't be friends with her."

Suddenly, J.R. was no longer quiet. He had to speak clearly from that point on. He was sick of being misunderstood. He was sick of people not getting it.

"That's the point. You can't see it. Only I could see it. I saw that I can't deal with it." Quinn threw her arms up in frustration, "What can't you deal with?"

"I can't deal with what I had with her, I can't deal Kathie. I know this is going to sound wrong no matter how I phrase it, but I can't stand the sight of her. I don't mean that in a bad way. But every time I look at her, I see my only failure. Kathie was the best thing ever to come into my life. I still believe that today. And I couldn't handle it. I couldn't be what we were meant to be. It was obvious to everyone but me. I didn't want to accept the fact that was all Kathie and I were ever going to be was friends. I can't hide behind saying I was confused by the signals she was giving off. I knew exactly what they were, but they didn't mean anything to me. I looked at her and saw a lifetime that wasn't really there. I got so far from reality, making extremely difficult to get back," J.R. paused briefly, he needed to compose himself. "But I don't regret it. I can't regret it. If I did, I wouldn't have anything to go on. It all happened for a reason. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I wasn't I was before. She inspired me, she inspired me even after I tried to remove her from my life. I can't forget her for that reason. Kathie made everything I've done worth it," once more, he paused. He was speaking from his heart, not his head. His heart had been dormant for nine months now. It took time to comprehend and translate all that it was saying. "Now, it's no fun. Sure, I'm not dependant on someone to inspire me, but I now have no reason to paint, other than to keep me sane. I have no one to give to, or at least no one I care about. It doesn't mean anything to me, because it doesn't mean anything to her, it's not for her. I want back what I had with her, so badly I do, but I would never let myself have it with her, and I can't think of anyone else I would want to have it with."

J.R. and Quinn had not noticed that a crowd had formed around them, hanging on every word that had just come out of J.R.'s mouth. Kathie was in the crowd, but as soon as J.R. finished speaking, she left. He never knew she was there. J.R. looked around over the crowd and then focused his attention back on Quinn. "I'm sorry," he said, "I tend to ramble a bit." Quinn didn't know what to say back. She was speechless. She told him just that. He let out a laugh. He could be speechless at times to. Quinn remarked that today wasn't one of those times.

"You need to tell her this. She deserves to hear it more than I do."

"I know, I know." J.R. didn't want to go to that just yet, he wasn't ready.

"What's holding you back?" Quinn asked. J.R. knew it was an honest question and so he gave her an honest answer, "Haven't decided yet."

"If you need any motivation, you can turn to me. I'll push you when you need it," Quinn offered. She was smiling. There was a feeling of accomplishment that encased her at that specific moment in time.

"And if I need a hug, would you be able to oblige?"

"I think I can manage."

Quinn hugged J.R. He hadn't been hugged him a while. He needed it. Steve would have said that he needed something else, but I'm trying to keep this story as tasteful as possible.

Niles say them hugging and could not help but break it up. He was still under the impression that J.R. was trying to take Quinn away from him. He said seeing them together was tearing him apart. Quinn found Niles' behavior cute. He was trying so hard, yet all his efforts were misguided. Niles said he wanted her back. Quinn tried to tell him that it wouldn't happen. That wasn't going to keep him from trying.

J.R. was feeling pretty damn good that evening. He invited Steve over. He had something he needed to say and figured Steve was the best person to hear it. He took Steve up to his room and showed him a blank canvass. Steve was then asked what he saw. Like anyone would answer, Steve said he saw a blank canvass. J.R. agreed and then commented that he never used to see a blank canvass.

"For so long, all I would see is a picture that hadn't been painted yet. Even though it was never started, I still saw it as incomplete. I forced myself to paint something on it and I always had to finish it. Now, it's a blank canvass. Now, it doesn't matter what it's going to be. It'll be something eventually, just not today. Maybe not tomorrow."

Steve asked, "We're not talking about this canvass, are we?"

"Aren't we? Isn't my entire life a blank canvass? I've constantly been trying to complete it, even thought I didn't want to. I'm a teenager, I need it to be blank," J.R. spoke, with a reassurance in his voice. He now held a confidence which was once long gone. Steve took the opportunity to make a joke. Under his breathe, he mumbled, "Or maybe a paint by numbers." J.R. smiled.

"Now, wouldn't that be wonderful."

Steve assured J.R. that it was just a joke, but J.R. saw something in the comment that Steve missed. A nugget of truth slipped by in Steve's words.

"That could be amazing. Think about it. It's like your life is already planned out for you, yet you don't know it. Everyday, you fill in a little more, revealing more of the overall picture. It's still a surprise at the end, and you'd be able to cherish it without the worries that your life was going nowhere," J.R. informed Steve. After a brief pause, the type J.R. will be known for, he said, "I've got some painting to do." Steve agreed to let J.R. be while he tried to paint. As he was leaving, J.R. stopped him. He needed Steve to see something else. Steve watched J.R. go over to a phone and dial a number. Steve was so sure J.R. was going to call Quinn. He felt he accomplished his mission. Then J.R. spoke into the phone, "Hello, is Kathie there?"

That was how it all began. Kathie was no longer directly out of J.R.'s line of vision, she was caught in his eyes once more. Quinn was no longer a stranger a few seats away, she was right next to him. Every character was in place. The story may now continue.

Sitting there, in order of height, Quinn wanted to cry. They began so close so quickly, and now, they were a few seats apart, just as they began. There's was nothing she could have done about it. They were graduating. Quinn knew she would never see him again. He wouldn't make any attempt to call him. That's how J.R. was. He went nine months without speaking to Kathie and they were never even dating. There was no way he would talk to her. Quinn lost him. That March, there was so much hope for them, that hope was gone now. Quinn still couldn't understand it all. They went from being a few seats apart to being a few seats apart. It didn't seem like much, but it was to Quinn. She hoped it was to J.R. as well.

Two

"If I had it in me to stop my random thoughts and my dumb dreams, I could deal with this non-stop spinning world."

- Less Than Jake

Mrs. Warner sat with the other members of the faculty, off to the left of the students. Her eyes wandered over the faces the students who were entered her life so quickly that previous September and were now leaving. There where some students she was glad to see go and there where others she'd miss greatly. There were those certain students who put forth the extra effort in her class. She didn't mean by kissing up or writing the type of papers she wanted to read. She meant those students who really opened up, acted as themselves, and would not sacrifice their principles for the sake of an A. Her eyes were no longer wandering. They were fixed on J.R. She would be the first to admit, that kid had balls. She would never forget that afternoon in the late of March.

Mrs. Warner stared at the paper in front of her. She was absolutely dumbfounded. She looked up. Her class was busy taking a test. Up til a second ago, she was busy grading essays. She needed something clarified before she could continue.

"J.R., can you come up here for a second?"

J.R. put his pencil down and walked over to Mrs. Warner.

"Yes?" J.R. asked.

"What is this?" Mrs. Warner asked back, holding up a few sheets of paper that are stapled together.

"My assignment," he responded.

"Do you remember what the assignment was?"

"To analyze a painting, write of what it says to you, how you feel because of it," J.R. said, unsure of what else to say.

"I'm sorry, I've never heard of this painting, 'Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth with Money in my Hand.' Who's it by?"

"Me," J.R. shot back, while smiling. "Anything else that you want to know?"

"No, that will be all."

J.R. walked back to his desk and continues taking his test.

As of this graduation day, Mrs. Warner still has a copy of that essay in her desk. It was too original to discard.

I woke up. Not the most significant of actions, in any other circumstances, but I'm an exception to this rule. My trip into the realm of hibernation was a little bit longer than the usual eight hours. I was deeply engulfed in dreams to pass the time. I find humor in that hint of irony. I went to sleep because I was tired of dreaming while in the waking world. Instead of accepting reality, I went into nine months worth of dreams. These dreams were pleasant, well, most of them were. I had a couple rough ones here and there, nothing that would constitute a nightmare, not by any means. They were simply dreams that were not exactly pleasant. Those dreams were few and far between. Nothing to lose sleep over.

I know that I'll never be able to retain all my wonderful dreams. I can tell they are already leaving me. Only the special ones remain. I'll always have those. I'll also have the bad ones. They never want to leave and I'm helpless against them. I begin to worry of what else I will soon lose.

I roll over in my bed, for the first time in a while, I actually feel the bed. I no longer have the sensation of hovering, that wonderful sensation which always accompanied my sleep. Now it's gone. I know I'll have it again, but I fear that I will not appreciate it like I would now. I lay there, trying to recapture it, knowing that I cannot. I'd have to be tired in order to feel it. I'm the furthest thing from "tired." I'm awake, as awake as one can be, while still lying in bed. I think I should get up, yet I'm uncertain what would follow after that. If I move, it will set off a chain of events I'll have no control over. I do not like lack of control. I went to sleep so I would not have to deal with losing control.

I was in love with her. I think she knew. I hope she knew, otherwise, what was it all for? She did not love me. I do not think she loved me. If she did, what was it all for? I could have quite possibly slept through many potential wonderful times. I cannot get them back, if I really missed them in the first place. I could not have missed anything. I would not have let myself. What if I did?

I'm rambling now. My stomach rumbles uncontrollably. I do not know if it is from hunger or from my growing anxiety. I did not mean to miss anything of importance, yet I know did. How could I not? I've slept for too long, I know that. I might as well get up. I have nothing to lose that I have not already lost.

I walk into my bathroom. I have not walked in that path for a long while, but I am still familiar with it. I know my routine. One foot in front of the other, then repeat. I can go places, any place I choose. I choose to go to my bathroom, to my sink. I rub my face with water. I look for a towel, but there is not one in my sight. I then look to my mirror.

"Hello," I say to my reflection. I do not recognize him any more than I recognize myself. He says hello back to me. I smile. I love it when strangers are friendly, it makes this world a better place for everyone. I take out my shaving cream and my razor. They were still in the drawer I left them in. They decided to stick around for me to return. I was flattered. Others might have given up on waiting and left for something better. But not my shaving cream and not my razor. I apply the shaving cream to my face and my stranger/friend's face. I cannot help but laugh at him, he cannot help but laugh at me. Both of our faces now had creamy white beards. I had not seen one of those in a while. With a little hesitation, I begin to swipe the razor down my face. I do not want to cut my stranger/friend. He has placed his faith in me that I'll do a decent job shaving. I cannot let him down. I would not have anything left if I did. I succeed. His face is maintained, mine is as well.

I walk back into my bedroom, again, one foot in front of another. Walking is getting even easier for me. I glance over at the bed where I slept so long. I want to jump back into it, pull the sheets over my head, and fall asleep again. This could be no more than a dream. I'm scared. I know that my bed brings comfort. I'm not sure if the world outside this bedroom does. I'm not sure if I even want to find out. I might as well, I am not all that tired at the moment.

I head over to my closet. The doors open, like they always do. They haven't changed while I was gone. They did not suddenly decide to open in the other direction. Some of my anxiety is put to ease. If my razor and my shaving cream stuck around, and my doors did not decide to open the other way, than others things, things outside this room, might as stayed the same as well.

My clothes remain in the same places I left them. At first, I cannot decide what to wear. If this is the worst of my problems, I should have a very good day ahead of me. Finally, a shirt falls off a hanger and into my arms. It says, "Wear me, I'm comfortable. Remember?"

"Yes, I remember you. You kept me warm," I reply to my shirt.

"I promised I always would."

"You said you'd never break that promise. Have you?" I ask my shirt. I need to know this. I do not want to put on this shirt if it does not want to keep me warm. The purpose of this shirt is to keep me warm.

"You'll have to put me on to find out," my shirt answers back. I think this shirt is teasing me. At this moment, I cannot conclude whether or not the shirt's intentions are honorable or not. Maybe it just wants to keep me warm. Or maybe it wants to deceive me. No, the shirt would never do that. I decide to put it on.

I'm warm now, at least from the waist up. I need pants. I look through my closet, trying to find the appropriate pants. None of them are talking to me. They must be mad. I have been gone for a while, so I understand. They needed me to take them places, and I didn't. I'm not much of a friend. The pants are not as understanding as the shirts were. I cannot waste any more time, I take a brown pair of pants that were always comfortable in the past. I put them on. They are not as comfortable as I remember. I cannot regain that great feeling I used to have as I put them on. Then I remember why. I used to put them on right after I took them out of the dryer. That's why it's not the same.

I'm dressed now. I feel I've accomplished something today. I could easily go back to sleep now, knowing I did something. I'm dressed, I might as well go somewhere, do something. That is why I got dressed in the first place. I could go downstairs. I could go outside. I could walk down the street. There are endless possibilities to the places I can go now that I am dressed. Well, I probably could not go somewhere fancy, I'm not dressed for it, but there are still other places I can go. I should go somewhere. I'll start by going into the hallway. I hope the hallway is still outside my door. I'd hate to see that it has moved somewhere else, since I was no longer walking through it each day.

I walk along the street of which my house belongs. I'm not sure where I'm headed, but I'm on my way. People walk by me. Some smile, acknowledging my presence. Others walk by, not knowing I'm right next to them, not caring. They do not know me and do not want to. I wouldn't want to. I'm not the type of person you could get to know easily. I'm picky with who I let into my tiny little world. I've only really let one person into my life. I wonder if she is still around. I hope to run into her by sometime soon. I need to know if she still remembers me. I hope she remembers me. I do not even remember myself. I need something to go on.

The street I walk on ends abruptly, I am forced to turn onto another street. This street is like any other. Houses line both sides of it, hovering over it. The sun in the east casts a shadow over the street in the shape of the houses. Some parts of the street are darkened by the shadow. Other parts are not. I am completely immersed in the shadow, to the point where I have no shadow of my own. I recall the story of Peter Pan. He lost his shadow too. Wendy needed to sew it back on for him. I need to find my Wendy. She'll be able to reattach my shadow, if I can also find my shadow. I grow nervous, fearing that I may never find my shadow and my Wendy. How can I live my life without a shadow? How can I live my life without someone so willing to sew a shadow back on? I can no longer continue to walk. I am very dizzy now. I need to sit down. As I walk over to the curve, I step out of the shadowed part of the street. My shadow is no longer hidden. It is right below me. It goes where I go. I do not need to go looking for it. I sigh with relief. One less dilemma to worry over today. I still need my Wendy though. Or do I? Maybe I need my Tinkerbell. Wendy may have loved Peter, but Tinkerbell looked out for him. I cannot decide if I need to be loved or looked out for. I wish I could have both, but the fairy tale does not play out that way.

My life is not a fairy tale, so I know that I need not worry about these things. I am not Peter Pan, I have my shadow. And from the looks of my reflection, I'm already grown up. I guess I'll have to make up my own story as I go along. There is not much to tell about my past. Nothing interesting at least. I was born, I grew up, I fell in love, I went to sleep, and now I'm awake again. Told you there wasn't much to talk about.

I soon realize that I am no longer walking. I am standing in front of a house I've stood in front of so many times in the past, yet this is the first time I've stood in front of it. I know I should knock on the door, but feel it would be better to ring the door bell. I do just that. I hear footsteps coming towards the door. Someone heard my ring. The door opens slowly, I'm eagerly awaiting the face of the opener of the door.

She's beautiful. I wish there were better words to describe how beautiful she really was. I am not a poet. I do not know what to say. She's beautiful. Her eyes are where they should be, as are her lips. Her hair flows down, landing on her shoulders, which are right below her neck. I figure that I must say something.

"Do I know you?" I ask this beautiful person.

"I don't think you do," she replies with a smile.

"Should I get to know you?" I then ask.

"I hope you do," she responds, again with a smile.

"Do you know me?" I cannot understand why I continue questioning her, but I do.

"Yes," she says, without a smile. Something changed. I must have blown it already. I knew I asked one too many questions.

"Then how come I do not know you?" I might as well find out, I've already screwed up my chances with her.

"You've been gone a while, I've changed."

"I guess I should have asked, did I know you?"

"That would have been a little more appropriate."

I'm uncertain of what I should say next. I do not know what she is thinking.

"Can I come in?" I ask, knowing the worst she could say is no.

Things are different this time around, not being allowed to stay the same. I watch her actions as I try to maintain my composure. I want to break down and tell her I love her. But that wouldn't be right. No one in their right mind would tell a stranger that they love them. I'm in my right mind. I never used to be, but now I am.

"I don't think it would be a good idea," she says to me.

"What wouldn't be a good idea?" I ask her. I'm confused. I must have trailed off for a second.

"You coming in."

"I agree."

"Then why did you ask to come in?"

"I wanted something that's obviously not here."

"What's that?"

"You."

I walk away from her. I don't look back. I'm not prepared to look back. At least not yet. I want to be a few blocks away, to show that I'm serious. I don't know who I need to show that I'm serious, certainly not her, but someone. Possibly myself. I'm not sure yet. I'll continue to walk, decide later. I can always go back when I'm ready. She'll be there. She was there then, just not there where I needed her to be. Actually, I wasn't there yet. When I am there, I think she will be also, always.

The sun goes down. It didn't expect it to stay up all that long. It was tired. I know the feeling. I continue to walk, even without the sun guiding me. The moon will take me where I need to go. I stare up at that moon and wonder what it would be like to walk on the surface. It looks nice, it looks pleasant, very peaceful. There's no way I could ever get to the moon, it is too far away, out of my reach.

I see someone walking across the street from me. I glance over at her a few times. She glances back. I'm not saying anything to her, yet I'm telling her so much. I wonder if I should walk across the street at talk with this stranger. I wonder if she'll talk with me. Before I can even decide, she is right next to me.

"Hello," she says to me. I respond back, using the same single word. She smiles. I smile back. I can tell this conversation is going somewhere.

"Is there anywhere you'd like to go?" she asks me

"Where are you willing to take me?"

She does not say anything. She does not talk. She simply looks up to the sky, looking up at the moon. She does not have to say anything. I know exactly what she is talking about, what she is referring to.

We are no longer where we were, yet stayed in the same exact place. I look up at the sky I was just looking at. I see exactly what I saw before, each and every star, shining so bright. Something is missing. The moon, it is no longer in the sky. I become worried. I can't see the moon. I turn to her, and ask, "Where is the moon?" She does not say anything. She does not talk. She simply looks down to the ground, looking down at the moon. She does not have to say anything. I know exactly what she is talking about, what she is referring to. We have gone to the moon.

She begins to speak. I hang on every word, even though I do not hear a single one. She continues to talk. Every other sound around us begins to die out, quiet down, so she could be heard. She continues to talk. I hear her, but not her words.

I'm spinning. The surrounds whirl past me as I continue to stare into her eyes. I'm not dizzy, I could never be dizzy, not when she is embracing me.

I'm floating. I look down to the ground, down to the moon, my feet are no longer touching it. She is holding me above it, holding me above the moon. I go to speak, but she places her finger on my lips, signaling me to keep quiet. She smiles once more. I leave the moon.

I do not know where to head now, I've seen my past, I've seen my future. The present is still in question. I begin my walking once more. For the first time, I hear a clanging noise coming from my pocket. I reach down and put my hand in. There are two quarters, they were the once making all the noise. They want to be used, the only way a quarter can be used. I look for a payphone, knowing I must make a phone call. I finally find one, right outside my house. I could easily just save money and use my own phone, but that would not be fair to the quarters. They are waiting for me to use them. I have to oblige.

I place both quarters in the phone as I realize that there is no dial tone coming from the phone. It's broken. I hit the coin return. Only one of my quarters comes back to me. The other one must have found a reason to stay. I know that if I could have found a reason, I would have stayed too. It doesn't matter that the phones broken. I doubt I'd even have someone to call anyway.

Mrs. Warner later found out that it was the first painting J.R. had done in months, nine months to be exact. She even made him to bring it in one day. After seeing it, there was no way she could have asked him to write a new essay on another piece of art, a famous work of some sort. It could be famous one day. She wanted to be to able to brag about seeing talent early on. And as she saw J.R., in one of the middle rows, she knew, whether he'd be famous or not, there still was talent. The kid had balls... And a way with words.

Three

"Tonight, I don't want to feel wonderful. Tonight, I don't want to feel bad. Cause tonight will be the night of my dreams. Tonight, I won't feel anything."

- Reel Big Fish

Oliver sat in the front row. He felt as though everyone had focused their attention directly on him. He was the type of person who would make the best of his time in a large group by spitting out random funny comments. He couldn't do this in the front row. It was bad enough that he had to be one of the first people to accept their diplomas. Even though things had changed since that March, Oliver still believed people did not see him when they looked at him, they saw his twin brother, Stuart. Now, Stuart's story is not part of this story, it would take too much to explain here. Basically, while Oliver attended private school, Stuart attended public school. In public school, Stuart ran into a few problems. He's now serving three consecutive life sentences. Oliver's parents used up most of their money on Stuart's legal fees, so Oliver was forced to leave his private school and attend his brother's old school.

Oliver's entrance into the school was a bit awkward. He was jumping into the middle of many other people's lives, people who were directly affected by his brother's actions. But that had passed and they began to heal. Their attention was no longer on Stuart or what he did. They were all somewhere else. Things changed, just like they always did. The storm had passed, it was calm once more, not calm as in "before the storm." No, it would be a little bit easier for everyone from now on. J.R. and Kathie had started on the road to rebuilding their friendship. Just as soon as they started talking again, it seemed like they had never stopped. For the first time in a while, J.R. was happy. He was so glad he could say that. He even had someone to say it to, Kathie. She had waited for him to deal with whatever personal issues that had plagued him and then to come back. This time around, both felt they could maintain the friendship, it would be different than before, just as they promised each other. They would never have to face the old problems again.

Niles missed Quinn, he always did. She was the first person to truly reach him, the first person to show him that there was more to life than just childish pranks and such. Niles could forget her that reason. But she moved on, putting Niles aside after he screwed up one too many times. He would think about her every day. She wouldn't think about him at all really, except for on the certain occasions when she saw him having fun with someone other than her. She hated seeing Niles making someone laugh. She would remember how he would make her laugh.

Quinn would then turn around and try to make J.R. laugh. He was smiling, and Quinn believed she was the one who made him smile. She was wrong, so wrong, he wasn't painting for her. They were spending time together, but he wasn't there, he was with his friendship with Kathie.

Steve was in the background at his point. No one was really looking in his direction. He was in between everyone else's life. He mediated the fights, nursed the wounds, and on occasions, rang the starting bell. He never asked for anything in return, but that does not necessarily mean he didn't want anything. I'm not going into that hear. This is Stuart's introduction, Stuart's month, Stuart's time in the spotlight.

March was such a shitty month. It rained all the time. No one likes the rain. Well, Niles does, but he doesn't count. His opinion never mattered. At least, that's what he thought. Niles wished people would take him a little more seriously. Nothing worked. Niles even went as far as to transfer into Advanced Placement English, with hopes that people would stop thinking he was just another fuck-up.

Switching into Advanced Placement English was not the best of ideas. Niles was not ready for the workload that a typical AP student handled on a daily basis. Niles would not have been able to survive it at all if it had not been for the teacher, Mrs. Warner. To put it simply, she was out of her mind. One minute, she'd be all quiet and well-mannered, and the next, she'd be bouncing off the walls. Niles loved having Mrs. Warner. He could set her off like no one else could. He'd get her going on some topic and after a half hour of rambling, she would forget what she was talking about in the first place. Almost every day in English, J.R. would bet Niles that he could not do it again. Every day, J.R. would lose that bet. Niles's grades were not all that great, but at least he made some money. J.R. did not mind paying up, he was being entertained. It was the best entertainment money could buy given the situation. Not everyone was found of Niles's antics in the class.

There were the few people, who Niles fondly dubbed, AP Rejects, that were sick of Niles's bullshit by the time March rolled around. Mimi was an AP Reject. She belonged in that class just as much as Niles did. Mimi was not smart, but she pretended to be. She worked her ass off, trying to maintain an A. She did exactly as Mrs. Warner told her. She never thought for herself. She would regurgitate the information Cliff and Barron told her the night before. The sad thing is, Mimi was the type of person who would go on to be a success in life. She would get the good jobs, make the great money, and have an over-all happy little life. The truly talents, freethinkers, the ones who interpreted the literature in their own ways, would constantly be told they were wrong and would eventually never amount to anything in life.

March was such a shitty month. It rained all the time. People would have to wear rain coats and use umbrellas to keep from getting soaked. The sun would never shine. Clouds blanketed the sky for days at a time. Niles would sit in his classes, staring out at the grey horizon, wondering when something different would come along. One day, something different did come along, yet, it actually quite familiar.

Niles and Kathie sat in homeroom together, talking about nothing of any importance, when a new kid walked into the class. Niles looked over at the new kid as he walked in. The kid wore a big rain coat, with a hood over his head. His faced was obscured by the hood.

"I didn't know we were getting a new kid," Kathie said to Niles.

"It's news to me," Niles responded.

The new kid walked towards the back of the class and took a seat at an empty desk. After he sat down, he took off his hood. His face was no longer covered up. Mimi and a few others were so horrified by the new kid's face, that they ran out of the class, screaming. Niles's jaw dropped, nearly to the floor. Kathie began to repeat, "Oh my god," over and over again. It was as if this new kid was the Elephant Boy. No, he was not deformed. This new kid, who's name happened to be Oliver, just looked like his brother. Everyone knew Oliver's brother. They knew him well. Not all that well, they never knew he had a brother named Oliver. Oliver thought he might face some problems transferring to his brother's old school. He decided to be tough and jump into it, head first. He knew he was not his brother. Oliver hoped people would not treat him badly because he was his brother's brother. It was not his fault, his twin brother happened to be Stuart.

"I don't believe it," Niles said out loud. It did not make any sense to him. He didn't see Oliver, he saw Stuart. He saw a few bad memories. "How the fuck did they ever let you out?" Niles finally asked Oliver.

"Let me out? What do you mean?" Niles didn't respond to Oliver. He slowly put his hand out and touched Oliver, to see if he was real. "What are you doing?" Oliver asked Niles. Niles shot back, "You can't be real."

"I'm not who you think I am."

"Who are you then?"

"Stuart's brother, Oliver."

Niles began to laugh hysterically. He didn't believe it, he couldn't believe it. Stuart having a twin? Not possible. He looked over at Kathie, who was still at her desk, still saying, "Oh my God" over and over again. After a little bit, she passed out. It was all too much for her. Niles eventually calmed down. By that time, homeroom had ended. Niles was the only one left in the room. The lights were already shut off. No one bothered to let him know.

Oliver did not have a good first day. No one saw him, they only saw Stuart. He did not get it. When he looked in the mirror, he saw himself, he never saw his brother. Why did everyone else? It did not make any sense.

People kept away from Oliver. They assumed they were keeping away from Stuart. They did not get it. How could Stuart ever get released from prison? It did not make any sense.

J.R. was the first person to break the trend and finally speak to Oliver.

"Care to explain anything?" J.R. asked as he approached Oliver at lunch one day. Oliver was sitting by himself, like he always did. No one would be near him. No one wanted to eat near Stuart.

"What's to explain? I'm not Stuart."

J.R. sits down across from Oliver and says, "Yeah, but you have to admit, people are going to take time to realize that."

"That's bullshit. I'm not him. Why should I be treated like an outcast because of what he did?"

"You are wearing his face, so to speak."

"Or he was wearing mine, either way, that was him, this is me."

"I was sort of close with Stuart for a while. He never mentioned you."

"If it makes you feel any better, he never mentioned you to me."

J.R. laughed. Stuart would have never made a comment like that. Stuart never had what it took to make a comment like that. Oliver did though. Oliver was not Stuart. They were two different people.

J.R. tried to help Oliver fit in better. Nothing really worked. People stayed away from him, even though he was seen talking with J.R. and later, Steve. Steve was so glad to meet Oliver. His arrival was liken to the type in some movie. The identical twin of a serial killer, trying to adjust to a new surrounding, facing persecution on account of his face. Steve wanted to make a movie out of it. He asked Oliver quite a few times over that first week if he could follow Stuart around with a camera. Oliver turned him down. Everyone's eyes were already constantly on him. He did not need a camera on him too. That wasn't for him. Steve commented that Stuart would have let him. Oliver didn't though. Oliver was not Stuart. They were two different people.

Kathie eventually came around to talking to Oliver. J.R. coerced her into it. She resisted initially. J.R. had a way with words, and by Friday afternoon, Kathie was talking with Oliver. She was really shocked when Oliver began to flirt with her. Stuart never would have had the balls to do that. Oliver obviously did. They were two different people. The point has pretty much been pounded into your head. It took some time, but everyone came around and started accepting Oliver for who he was.

It wasn't the sunniest June day as Oliver wiped the sweat from his palms as he walked up to receive his diploma. I feel that I should admit that the line above about acceptance was complete bullshit. This is high school we're talking about, no one accepted an outcast like Oliver. Sure, he made a few friends, but overall, people hated him simply because he looked like his brother. There was nothing he could do to change that.

He heard a few hands clapping as he walked across the stage. Oliver took pride in seeing J.R., Kathie, Steve, Quinn, and of course, Niles, cheering for him. He could single out their voices in the noise. He heard their praise. Oliver was also able to hear a few other things, most of the along the lines of, "Get off the stage, you fag!"

Four

"I hoped a day could be when you'd write a song for me but it never came. I thank you all the same."

- Sheila Nicholls

Quinn and J.R.'s row had to stand up, waiting for the row in front of their's to finish getting their diplomas. J.R. tried not to look at Kathie as she was on stage. Quinn notices J.R. was looking away. She also noticed he was not looking her way. It hurt. J.R. also hurt. He had nowhere to look. He couldn't look forward, because looking forward meant looking towards Kathie. Looking to his side meant he would be looking toward Quinn. All he could do was look back. Looking back wasn't the best of ideas. It reminded him where he went wrong. It didn't seem like the wrong idea at the time. J.R. thought he was doing the right thing. It was April, J.R. and Kathie were friends again, both had hopes it would turn out better than last time. Things were different. J.R. did not harbor the same feelings for her as he did last time. His heart wasn't in it. His heart wasn't anywhere. Quinn's heart was somewhere. It was with J.R. She made Steve promise not to tell J.R. that she was falling for him. She was enjoying being friends with him, but she wanted more. She tried to hint it, but J.R. was pretty oblivious. Steve tried to hint it to J.R. also, but again, J.R. didn't pick up on it. He was too busy starting off his friendship with Kathie.

The only two not involved in this relationship mess were Niles and Oliver. Technically, Niles was involved, since he still had feelings for Quinn, but for this story, he was preoccupied with something else. He had really grown sick of Mimi making him look stupid in English class. So what, he didn't read the books he was assigned to read. Neither did Mimi, she just read the Cliff's Notes, or if she was too cheap to go out and by them, she would read the Barron's Notes off America Online. Niles came up with a plan to get her back, but he could not do it alone. And as stated before, the only other person not involved in the J.R.-Kathie-Quinn triangle was Oliver. With Oliver's help, Niles planned to expose Mimi as the fraud she really was.

J.R. and Kathie were pseudo-dating. They weren't a real couple, but they were always together. They were practically attached at the hip. If they weren't talking on the phone, they were hanging out together. J.R. was also spending a lot more time with Quinn, but not as much as he was spending with Kathie, because Kathie would get jealous, seeing him with other girls. J.R. willingly put Quinn aside for Kathie. He has known Kathie for years. He has known Quinn for a month.

Quinn would go and complain to Steve about J.R. ditching her for Kathie. Steve got so sick of hearing about J.R. and Kathie, yet he would put up with it anyway, he felt in some way he owed to Quinn. He was the one who initially tried to get Quinn and J.R. together. Steve was responsible, he had to hear her out.

"He canceled on me again," Quin told Steve in a very saddened tone.

"What were you two going to do?"

"Dinner and a movie."

Steve laughs. He really didn't have to ask that question. All J.R. ever does is take her out for dinner and movie. He's not even that big on movies. It's not J.R.'s fault, there's not much else to do in Warren. It's movies or 'Rock And Bowl' at the Green Brook lanes. As much fun as bowling is, one can't put up with that much White Trash being compacted into a small area (except for my boys, Scottie and Kasper, they rock). The beer bellies, on women as well as men, and the incoherent shouts following a gutter ball pretty much ruin the moment. J.R. stuck to dinner and a movie.

"And what is J.R. doing instead?"

"Kathie is having some crisis. I think she has a stomachache or something. She wants him to keep her company."

"Quinn, that's not all that bad."

"She makes him cancel on me all the time!," Quinn said, very upset.

"You know, I'd rather not have you include me in this anymore, I'm J.R.'s friend."

Quinn was offended by his saying that. Steve had changed. He used to care about people more. Now, it seemed like other things occupied his mind. "I'm sorry, I thought you were mine too."

From this point, at his request and the request of Quinn, Steve will no longer be in this story.

Niles wanted Mrs. Warner to see how much of a fake Mimi was. He wasn't sure how to go about it at first. That's where Oliver came in. They would brainstorm together. They thought of planting Cliff's Notes in Mimi's bag, leaving them visible enough for Mrs. Warner to find them. Mrs. Warner hated Cliff's Notes. They decided against that plan. It wasn't good enough. Mrs. Warner would get mad, but it wouldn't embarrass Mimi. She would know that it was Niles who planted the Cliff's. Niles had to be a little more creative.

J.R. and Quinn were coming home from dinner and movie. He looked over to her in the car. She wasn't saying much. When he thought about it, she hadn't said much all night. He realized he had gone too far by canceling plans with her, in favor of Kathie. J.R. needed a way to make it up to her. He thought of painting her a picture, a sign of friendship and an apology. But if Kathie ever found out about it, she'd flip. J.R. didn't now how to juggle both Kathie and Quinn, getting them both happy.

"Want to go back to my house?" J.R. asked her. He had to break the silence somehow.

"If you'd like."

"Is there anything else you'd like to do instead?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Come on, why are you being like that?" J.R. wished he didn't say that. There was too much annoyance in his voice. It had the potential to start an argument. J.R. didn't want an argument. He wanted to be happy with Quinn. He also wanted to be happy with Kathie.

"Being like what?"

"You not talking."

"I don't have anything to say."

"I've notice that much."

"Did you have fun yesterday?"

"What do you mean?"

"With Kathie, did you have fun?" At that moment, J.R. knew Quinn wanted to have an argument. She wanted to be mad at him for ditching her. She wanted him to know she was mad at him for ditching her. But he couldn't do it. He couldn't get in a fight with her. He wanted the evening to end peacefully. He wanted there to be another evening. Even if it wasn't anytime soon, J.R. wanted another evening with Quinn.

Hacking into America Online was more difficult than it sounded. Niles had no clue what to do. He remembered that Steve used to be good at that sort of thing, but as stated before, Steve isn't involved in this story. Oliver didn't have much more knowledge about computers. He knew a few good sites to get porn, the best being www.purextc.com. Oliver loved that one. Oliver and Niles enlisted the help of Chris. Chris was real good at fucking around on the computer. He still champions the damage he has done to America Online in the past. On one occasion he shut down AOL for five hours on a Friday night with a virus he created. Another time, he punted Steve Case, the president the AOL, from a chat room discussion. For those out there who aren't computer literate, "punting" means to temporarily kick a person offline. It's annoying, but does not do real damage. Chris was proud that he punted Steve Case, who wouldn't be?

J.R. sat alone in his room, weighing his options. He spent way too much time in that room. He was never anywhere else his house. His room was his safe haven, his fortress of solitude as Superman would call it. J.R. didn't read comics or anything, or at least, he would never admit to it. So, he sat there, on his floor staring at the ceiling, thoughts running through his mind. On one hand, he had Kathie, his Kathie. He had a past with her. He'll probably have a future with her. There's so much there. Then there was Quinn. Sweet, lovely Quinn. J.R. didn't know where he stood with her. She was great company, but was she anything more? The answer became clear to J.R. He knew what he wanted and what he had to have. It was quite simple.

Chris, Niles, and Oliver were ready to damage Mimi's image. The class had to finish reading The Great Gatsby at the end the week. There would be a class discussion, like there always was. Oliver actually read the book, so he knew what he was doing. Niles figured he'd read the Cliff's on Thursday night. Niles wasn't a hypocrite, he didn't read the Cliff's to pass himself off as smart, he read the Cliff's because he was too lazy to read the book. The plan was simple. Oliver wrote his own version of the Barron's notes. He kept the plot of the story, but changed everything else. When he finished typing it, it was a full fifty-six pages long. It looked real. All that was left to do was have Chris replace the real Barron's notes with the fake ones on America Online. He assumed Niles and Oliver that he could do it.

J.R. painted a picture. It was the second one he'd done in the last nine months. The first one depicted his acknowledgment of Kathie and Quinn being in his life. This new one showed who he wanted to be with more. Even if it was not in a romantic sort of way, he still chose the person he chose, because he cared about her. The painting was mostly black. A source of light made a light across the center. There were two eyes in the upper right corner, her eyes. J.R. was in the picture himself, his arm was visible in the stream of light. J.R. called it, "Falling."

Chris did what he said he could do. He got into AOL's main system and replaced the Barron's notes. He got caught. The police came to his house the next day. He was arrested for violation of the Computer Crimes Bill of 1997. At the trial, his past actions were brought to attention. It did not help his case. He should not have bragged so much. Chris was fined forty-five thousand dollars and was forbidden from using a computer until his twenty-first birthday. Despite all that happened, he never ratted out Niles and Oliver. They were lucky. They no longer cared about getting back at Mimi. They blew their chance. The real Barron's Notes would be put back up and Mimi would read them, just like she always did. Warner would think she was such a smart girl, like she always did. Niles and Oliver accepted that it would have never worked. It wasn't worth getting arrested over.

J.R. went to her house that night with the painting in hand. She was glad to see him. She always appreciated it when J.R. randomly came by. J.R. gave her the painting. She was unsure of what to say at first. She knew he had been struggling with painting for a while now. She did not know about the first painting. She thought the painting J.R. gave her was the first one he did in the past nine months. He wasn't about to tell her otherwise. She was honored that she helped crack his artistic block. She then decided to go out on a limb and ask about the other female in his life. J.R. smiled. He said she didn't matter as much. He decided on his own, where he wanted to be. She then smiled too.

Niles was so frustrated, he forgot to go out and buy the Cliff's Notes. On Thursday night, he had to download the Barron's. He hated reading off a computer screen, but he had to. He knew Warner would call on him, she always did. That Friday, she did. Niles recited what he had read the night before. Warner's reaction was unforgettable. She could not imagine where Niles and pretty much everyone else in all of her classes where getting their information from. It's amazing that AOL didn't actually examine what Chris tampered with, they just did a virus check and called it quits.

J.R. was happy with his decision at the time. He didn't think twice about it. Kathie was his past and his future. She didn't have to be his present. He knew he'd always have some sort of relationship with her. He could not say the same about Quinn. He did not know if he'd be talking to Quinn a few months down the road. He figured he might as well make the best of it while he could, regardless of what Kathie had to say about it.

J.R. starting moving forward, toward the stage to receive his diploma. He tried not to laugh. Quinn noticed that smirk. That smirk used to be for her. It still was for her, but not in the way she would have wanted it to be. J.R. was smirking because of the irony of the situation. He made the right choice, even though he thought it was the wrong choice. J.R. did make the best of his time with Quinn, until it was no longer his time to be with her. He did not waste it on Kathie. He still might have had a good time with Kathie, but not like the time he had with Quinn. I don't want to it come across that J.R. completely ignored Kathie from April to June. No, they still talked, just not often. It was brief enough to cause them to miss each other, yet just enough to cause problems when they did talk.

J.R. pushed it all out of his mind the moment he walked over to the vice-principal and grabbed his diploma. For the first time in a while, Quinn was not by his side and Kathie was not in front of him. He was all alone up on stage and he loved every second of it. For that brief time, he was not analyzing why it all went bad, just as it was beginning to get better. He now had his life ahead of him, he also had a summer free of Kathie and Quinn. The possibilities for the summer were no longer limited by two meddling girls. He could do whatever he wanted and intended to do just that.

Five

"It feels like I'm falling deeper into the unknown and I'm losing the fight to stay alone."

- Donna Lewis

Steve couldn't help but flash a smile as he saw J.R. on stage. He wasn't the one to smile often, not anymore. The smile broke at the sight of J.R. He looked happy. He was going to make it. Knowing J.R. would be alright gave Steve some confidence of his own. They both had gone through too much over the past year. For a long time, they were both unhappy. Steve felt responsible for J.R.'s unhappiness. He was the one who first suggested Quinn and he was also the one who goaded J.R. along, holding his hand as J.R. tried to make up his mind about her. If he never pushed J.R., then none of this would have happened. J.R. would have chickened out like he always did. That's not the J.R. was then just walking off the stage. He was a new, wiser, more self-assertive model. He wasn't that different, just more refined. The real J.R. was beneath all that. He was the type who'd argue over the most trivial of topics with an astounding amount of passion. He didn't care if he was wrong. His point had to be presented, had to be heard.

J.R.'s forum was usually his history class. He had history right before lunch, so Steve was privileged enough to hear all about it, whether he wanted to or not. It always started the same way.

"I just went off on my history class today, it was great," J.R. would say, with a rather excited glint in his eyes.

"Really, how so this time?" Steve would say back, trying as hard as he could to sound uninterested, like J.R. would notice anyway.

"We were having this discussion about the case of Hazelwood School District Vs. Kulmeier. You know that case, it was the one about three girls who sued their school district because the principal had certain articles they wrote for the school paper removed, claiming them to be inappropriate. The courts ruled in favor of the school. Most of the class agreed with the ruling."

"And you didn't?"

"Of course I didn't. Especially because of the one of the items censored was an interview with a girl about the divorce of her parents. The principal said it was an invasion of the girl's and her parents' privacy."

"In some respects, it is. The parents never agreed to the article," Steve said, realizing he back himself into a corner and had to hear out J.R.

"Who cares about the parents? The girl wanted to talk about what was going on in her mind. I was brought up to believe that you should talk about your problems, not bottle them up."

"There's a world of difference between talking about what's bothering you and discussing your family's personal affairs with an entire school."

"What's the girl supposed to do then? Should she suddenly become antisocial, cut herself off from the world? Should she arm herself with a shot gun and take out a few classmates? In this day and age, that seems to happen more and more often. I really think it would be less likely if people discussed what was on their mind more freely." J.R. got lost in thought. It happened from time to say. He would have so much to want to say, that he would forget what he was saying all together. Then it came back to him. "This girl obviously wanted others to know what she was going through. Maybe she felt like she was an outsider, and hoped that the article would change things. She could find out that she was not the only one to go through such things."

"Or she wanted to give a big "fuck you" to her parents for quote, unquote, ruining her life. You don't know this girl personally, so you cannot judge what was going on in her mind."

"You're forgetting that my folks are divorced. I know what it's like. I wish I had an outlet for my thoughts."

"You had your paintings."

"They leave too much to be misunderstood. You do a dark, moody painting, people begin to think that you're too steps away from killing yourself... Or your science class. I wish I had an opportunity to say what needed to be said, clearly, without the possibility of being misunderstood. This girl had that, and look what happened. It never went to print."

"You really feel strongly about this, don't you?"

"Every single time there is some teenage tragedy, people act so surprised, saying that the kid never let out a cry for help. They wonder why. They don't know that the kid didn't bother trying because there would be no one around to..." J.R. forgot his wording again, yet for different reasons this time. Quinn had walked by. Yes, she had that effect on guys. J.R. might as well have started drooling. He could barely pronounce syllables when she passed by and smiled at him. Steve was dumbfounded. He had no clue how J.R. could muster the energy to talk to her enough for her to consider him a friend.

"What were we talking about?" J.R. asked. Steve had to make a mental note to thank Quinn for shutting J.R. up.

"Oh, we were discussing when exactly you developed a thing for Quinn."

"We're just friends."

"I'm calling your bluff," Steve shot back. This was his relationship with J.R., harmless banter back and forth for hours on end. It's what had their friendship great.

"We've been getting along really good lately."

"I know, I always see you two talking." "And that's all it is, talking." "That'll change."

"I don't want it to."

"This isn't because of Kathie, is it? Because, to be honest, I'm getting sick of the fact she fucks with your life so much."

"Not at all. Kathie and I managed to salvage a friendship. I'm not looking for any more from her."

"You haven't lost interest in girls, have you? I mean, I'm a little worried, seeing you with all these platonic relationships."

"That sounds like something Niles would say. Should I be worried about the inordinate amount of time you've been spending together?"

"We've been developing my first real movie."

"How's coming along?"

"It's not, but that's alright," Steve said while pulling at his sweatshirt. It was April, but the school still had their heaters on. It wasn't warm enough out to wear lighter clothing, which made for a very uncomfortable environment in school. "It's so hot in here."

"Then take that shirt off."

"Fag." Steve spouted out while taking off his sweatshirt. Instantly, J.R. noticed many scratches up and down Steve's left arm.

J.R. pointed to the scratches and asked, "What the fuck happened?"

"My mom's new cat. She crawled on top of my bed two nights ago, clawed my arm like it was a tree or something," Steve responded while looking at his arm.

"That must have hurt."

"I'm sure it hurt more for the cat."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because I threw the fucking thing against the wall."

And that was the end of the conversation. Lunch was over. J.R. and Steve headed their separate ways. That afternoon, Niles stopped by Steve's house, seeking aid in his current mission, to win back the heart of the lovely Quinn. Steve was reading a magazine when Niles entered his basement. Steve paid no attention to him. Finally, after waiting a few moments, Niles decided to speaking, realizing Steve was not going to acknowledge him.

"We need to talk."

Steve looked up from his magazine and spoke, "What are you doing here? I told you not to be here til four."

Niles was confused, much like he always was. He wasn't supposed to be at Steve's at all. In some time, Steve was able to explain to Niles that he was fucking with him. Niles pretended that he got it to begin with and was just fucking with Steve. He was a bad liar.

Niles proceeded to describe with Quinn earlier that day in the school parking lot. She was going out to her car to get a book. He was suspended again and heading home. She chastised him for not being able to stay out of trouble. Niles told Quinn that he wished she would look at him differently. She said she would when he showed her something different. Quinn got her book from her car and left. Niles realized he didn't on a car, had no reason to be in the parking lot, and walked home.

It's amazing Niles was able to survive thus far in life, let alone make it all the way to Steve's house, but there he was, asking Steve what he should do. The only idea Niles had was remaking himself over as a preppy. Steve reminded him he did that already. Niles gave up. Steve did not decide to dissuade him. He knew J.R. was going to move extremely slowly with Quinn. He didn't want Niles screwing things up.

Oddly enough, J.R. was fairing moderately well without Steve's persuasion. He and Quinn talked every night on the phone. Their topics varied in content, the only similar trait was the severe lack of any importance. On that night, they were wondering what Niles was going to try next to win Quinn back. J.R. was not threatened by Niles' actions. He actually felt bad for the guy. Quinn was not leading him on, and yet, he was still clinging to her like she was. J.R. knew what it was like to care for someone and not having the feelings reciprocated. He kept pushing Quinn to talk to Niles, as frankly as possible.

"What am I supposed to say? Niles isn't the easiest person to talk to?" Quinn said with a bit of anger. She was trying to rid herself of Niles' affection. "I can't talk to him like I can talk to you."

Being the oblivious person J.R. was, he did not pick up on that compliment. Like an idiot, he asked, "You think I'm easy to talk to?"

The conversation was no longer about Niles.

"Of course, why do you think I like talking to you so much?"

"Out of boredom."

"I hope you're joking."

"And if I'm not?"

"I'm going."

Not wanting Quinn to hang up, and having enough sense to know she would, J.R. quickly told her he was only joking. She commended him on his decision to admit she was right. Then she threw a curve ball at him.

"Do you enjoy talking to me?" she asked him.

"Yeah, it beats sitting around, staring at a blank canvass for a few hours."

"There's that humor again."

"Sorry."

"It's okay, in a weird way, I enjoy it."

"Now there's a first."

"No one else has ever noticed your charm?"

"Aside from my mother? No."

"The female population in our school is really missing out."

"And because they are, so am I."

"It doesn't matter, they're not good enough for you."

"Then who is good enough for me?"

"You don't see anyone for fits your standards?"

"I don't have standards. I'm just looking for someone I can talk to. That's all."

"That seems simple enough. Would she have to be a blond or a brunette?"

"If I was forced to choose, I'd go with a brunette."

"I'm a brunette."

"I know."

"I like to talk."

"I've noticed."

"What time is it?"

"I don't know."

"Can you check?"

"I can't believe you're making me get out of bed, for anyone else, I would never do this."

"Thanks for making a girl feel special."

J.R. lifted himself out of bed. He walked over to his computer and moved the mouse around. The screensaver shut off and he was able to look at the clock.

"Three thirteen."

"I better go. I'm tired," Quinn said, sounding disappointed.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'm tired. "

"Okay. Bye."

"Goodnight."

J.R. and Quinn both hung up their respective phones. He went to into the bathroom, brushed his teeth, washed his face and then headed back into his bedroom to go to sleep. Within a few moments, the phone rang again. It was Quinn.

"Didn't we just say our farewells for the evening?" J.R. asked.

"I missed you."

"Already?"

J.R. laughed. He knew it was incredibly rude, but it was funny at the same time. He continued to laugh.

"What's so funny?"

"This."

"What is "this" exactly?"

"You, this situation. I didn't expect you to call again."

"Like I said, I missed you."

"I thought you were tired."

"I am, but I'll fall asleep easier if I hear your voice."

"So I'm boring to you?"

"No. You have a very relaxing voice. It's comforting, please talk for a little bit."

"Okay. I'm not quite sure what to say here. I mean, I'm pretty tired too, so I'll probably start mumbling things. But hopefully, by that time, you'll already be asleep. Right?"

Quinn was already sleeping. J.R. did not have to say anything else. He did not want to hang up the phone, knowing that stupid "off the hook" noise would wake her up. He placed the phone on his pillow and went to sleep himself.

Well, that's how Steve assumed things happened. The previous conversation most likely was not a hundred percent accurate. Steve had pieced it together in his head based on what J.R. had told him. Steve never should had asked why J.R. looked tired the next morning, then he never would have gotten the story. He would have preferred to hear that J.R. and Quinn were up late fucking. Who talks anymore, anyway?

Talking with J.R. every night put Quinn in the best of moods, she was even able to deal with Niles in a semi-tolerant manner because of it. She still had to brace herself whenever she say him approaching her. She knew to expect something, anything really, except for the thing he said that morning.

"I'm over you."

That was it. Niles said he no longer had feelings for her. He didn't want to cause any problems. He admitted his actions were uncalled for. He apologized. Quinn was not ready for that. Niles never apologized for anything. He asked for her friendship, if she was still willing. After all that, there was no way she could say no to him. It must have taken so much for him to build up the strength to say all that. She never had to know it was his last ditch effort to get her back, as he later told Steve. He knew the only way to get her back was to let her go. It was crafty, and if Quinn ever found out, she'd hate him, but she never did.

To get J.R. to refrain from saying "she called again," while glowing, Steve asked if it meant that he and Quinn were now a couple. J.R. told him it was possible.

"It's also possible that Stuart gets tried as a minor and found innocent, but I doubt that."

"Then let me say this: It is likely in the near future."

"Stop talking like you're a fucking magic eightball. Are you going to get together with Quinn or not?"

"Jesus, I was just have a little fun... Yes, we probably are."

Steve dared him to go ask her at that very moment. He did not expect J.R. to take him up on the offer. J.R. did. He walked right over to Quinn, who happened to be sitting across from Kathie, but he did not notice nor did he care.

"How's everything going?" J.R. asked her, not wanting to jump right to it.

Quinn acted upset and said she was heartbroken. J.R. asked why and she said, "The guy who promised to love me stopped loving me."

J.R. didn't realized who she was talking about and suddenly was afraid to ask her out. Quinn then began to laugh and say how relieved she was that Niles got over her. She explained to J.R. that Niles was not going to bother her anymore. The conversation then died down. Both knew they wanted to say something to each other. Neither could say it.

J.R. knew it was then or never. He looked her in the eyes and asked, "Can I do something that'll change the course of our friendship, possibly for the better, possibly for the worse? I'm not sure what'll happen."

"Depends on what you're referring to."

J.R. leaned over and gave Quinn a brief kiss on the lips. Quinn smiles and leans over, giving J.R. a much longer kiss. Kathie did not like the sight of this and left. No one noticed.

When the kiss was over, J.R. apologized for the kiss, if it was bad. He claimed he had been out of the game for a while. Quinn, playing along, said she had been on the bench for a while too. "As cheesy as this may sound, will you go out with me?" J.R. asked Quinn.

Quinn laughed in his face. She found his comment incredibly cute and could not pass up the chance to make fun of him for it. "What grade are we in?"

"Forget I asked."

"What, you can joke, but I can't?"

"You were joking?" "Yes, J.R., I was joking."

"I didn't blow it, did I?"

"J.R., for once, don't let your doubts ruin the moment."

"Sorry, I'll be quiet."

And that was that. J.R. and Quinn quit messing around and got together. Steve, at the time, was so proud he instigated it. If he knew how much trouble it caused, he may have thought twice about it. He could not have known though. J.R. was now leaving the stage with his diploma in his hand. Steve's row would have to stand up soon. J.R. survived it all. He was still smirking, like he always did. You could beat the shit out of that kid and he'd still be smirking. Steve, as beaten as he was, smiled for J.R. He knew that J.R. would be smiling for him too. For a time, he was surprised J.R. didn't hate him for introducing Quinn into his life. It was the opposite. Through all of it, J.R. stuck by his side.

Six

"This isn't about you or the life she's lead through you. Just every passing day leaves me wondering what is really true."

- Midtown

It was Quinn's time to pass along the stage. Niles sat in

the audience, silently thanking her. She meant a lot to him, did a lot of good for him, and in a few ways, helped shape who he was as a person. He wished he could have partaken in the ceremony with her. A botched senior prank kept himself from celebrating with their friends. Luckily, they were still allowed to attend and watch the graduation.

There were many things Niles would have done differently with Quinn had he gotten the chance. He would have been a better boyfriend while they were dating. He would have been a better friend when they weren't. He should not have spent all of his time questioning how exactly she felt towards him. He could see it pushed her further away, and he still

pushed on, wanting to read her, wanting to understand her. He screwed up. He knew it. Out of all the stupid things he did, the worse was stealing her temporary journal. She was only using it for a certain time period. She didn't hold on to it as tightly was she did her real journal. It was easy for Niles to steal. Curiosity got the best of him. He found out what he wanted to know, but at what a cost.

__________________________________________________________

Day One - The Night Prior

I'm beginning to rethink my stance pertaining to the media's influence on impressionable minds of today's youth. I knew this was going to happen. I just knew it. I only expected it to come around a little sooner. I prayed it was to be avoided. I thought he would have considered himself above it all. I was right and I was wrong. Steve wants to make his own pseudo-documentary, "The Jersey Devil Project." I doubt I need to say what inspired it. Tomorrow, Steve, J.R., Niles, Oliver, Kathie (ugh!), and myself re heading off to the Pine Barrons in search of the legendary Jersey Devil. Being that I'm grounded in reality, I'm not getting my hopes up. But, just in case Steve becomes famous with the movie, I'm keeping this journal of the events. Who knows, it may come in hand if we all disappear. The police will have something to work from.

Day Two - The Morning

Sometimes I just don't get Steve. We had the cars all packed. We were all at my house, waiting for Steve to arrive with his equipment. An hour later, he shows up, only to announce the project dead. He has better plans now, a better movie. He said he needed time to develop it. He apologizes and leaves. I should have been relieved, I did not want to spend the next week with Kathie anyway. I was still upset. This was supposed to be our last real trip together, not counting prom weekend, the week after graduation, and that trip we're all planning for July. Aside from those, this was it. I guess that's why I jumped at Niles's idea to go hotel hopping. He never intended to stay the whole week in the woods. Oliver printed out a list of hotels scattered throughout Jersey. We would stay at one for a night or two, and then move on. In Niles's words, "It would be like traveling around the world in seven days and six nights." It had to have been the greatest thing Niles ever thought of.

At noon, the five of us embarked on our vacation. Kathie drove Niles and Oliver in one car. J.R. and I took another. That brings me up to now. J.R.'s asking what I'm doing, so I better talk to him before he want to read it.

Day Two - Our First Night

J.R. is in the bathroom, brushing his teeth. He shut the door as he went in. It's so cute, he doesn't want me to see him brushing. I'm still in bed. I don't want to get out of bed today. The bed is too comfortable to get out of. I'd be happy if I never had to leave, just as long as J.R. stays in bed with me. I don't want to get bored.

I managed to talk Niles to staying a second night here. This place is amazing. When we first walked in, I felt like a princess in a fairy tale, first walking into this amazing castle. J.R. and I are on the first floor. Kathie, Oliver, and Niles are on the second. Kathie has a room to herself. Niles wanted to room with her, but she objected, making some comment about sleeping in the nude. Niles swore that wouldn't be a problem, but she still said no.

After some time in the swimming pool, J.R. and I joined the group in Kathie's room for a drink. Niles must have brought an entire bar with him. It's really funny that someone who owns that much alcohol can't even hold his liquor. He was hammered after a few shots of some mixture I'm not familiar with. Oliver doesn't drink. I respect that about him. He didn't feel like being around us while we were drinking. He decided to go out to get us food. There was a diner down the road, so he said he'd bring us all back burgers and fries, and a salad for Kathie, she's dieting.

Niles excused himself from the room. He said he wanted to go lie down. The boy really can't handle his liquor. That left J.R., Kathie, and I, not the perfect combination. I did my best to not like Kathie, but it continuously became difficult. She turned out to be quite a fun person. I was wondering what Niles was up to. Kathie said we should go check. We left her room and headed to his. As I went to open the door, she stopped me and said there was no need for that. Of course, I ask why. Early that evening, Kathie reversed the peephole on Niles and Oliver's door. I thought it was clever. J.R. then pointed out she got the idea from an episode of Seinfeld. J.R. didn't want to look first. He was too afraid he'd see Niles playing with himself or something. I didn't want Kathie going first, so I did. It was nothing interesting, Niles was passed out on his bed. Kathie got another one of her great ideas, she wanted to cover Niles in shaving cream. I wasn't up for it. It was not that clever. Shaving cream has been done before. J.R. loved the idea. The two of them went off to get some from her room. I immediately wished I had said I liked the idea. I became the odd man out. I stood back as J.R. and Kathie did their best to apply the shaving cream all over Niles' face while he slept. Kathie started laughing, which caused Niles to bolt up. He wiped some shaving cream off and looked at it. Then he looked up at J.R., Kathie, and me. I was expecting him to yell at us. He didn't. Instead, he said, "First and foremost, where's my double cheeseburger?"

Day Three

It seems like J.R. and Kathie are going out of their way to not include me in everything they do. Continuing in the tradition of last night, Kathie came up with another idea to fuck with Niles.

Before I go any further, I should point out that Niles was not happy about the shaving cream incident after he sobered up. By that point, there was nothing he could do about it. Earlier in the day, Niles, very hung over, said he was not going to drink tonight, just stay sober with Oliver.

Kathie needed Niles drunk for her plan to work. She also needed J.R. and Oliver. No mention of me, of course. She stopped including me when I voiced my unhappiness with picking on Niles.

The plan was flawlessly executed. Around nine in the evening, J.R. and Kathie managed to talk Niles into drinking way too much vodka. J.R. questioned his manhood, enraging Niles, and sending him right to the bottle. Within ten minutes, Niles was passed out. Then part two of the plan kicked in. Kathie, along with J.R. and Oliver, lifted up Niles by his bed sheets, and carried him out to the lobby of the hotel. They left him there with a sign saying: Please take care of my baby.

All incoming and outgoing residents of the hotel got quite a laugh out a kid who may or may not be suffering from alcohol poisoning. They were taking pictures. I couldn't take it anymore. I did my best to wake up Niles and helped him walk to his room. Then I went to go find the other three.

They were all in Kathie's room, having a laugh at Niles' expense. I snapped. I know Niles has done some pretty mean, crude, and occasionally, downright horrible things, but no one deserves the harsh treatment he's getting right now. I screamed at them all and ran out of the room. I hoped J.R. would run after me. He didn't. I went to bed after checking on Niles. J.R. just woke me up by stumbling into the room. I really don't want to talk to him right now. I should go check on him. He's been in the bathroom for too long. I might have to go fetch him out of the bathtub.

Day Five

It would be really nice if I could actually remember why I woke up in Kathie's room with my sweat pants safety-pinned over a rip in the waist, on my own. Since I'm not that lucky, I have to rely on what others have told me about the previous night's events. I do recall on my own that I was furious at J.R. for not only ignoring me, but for spending all his time scheming with Kathie. He yelled back, telling me to join in if I felt so left out. So I did. Now is where other people's info becomes pertinent. Niles made me a fruit punch with a heavy coconut flavoring to it. I enjoyed it, so I had more and then I had more. Oliver, not drinking again, went out to buy us food. He was gone a while because we picked a hotel in the middle of nowhere. I was gone by the time he came back. He told me how he knocked on the door as he arrived. He heard someone scream, "I'm coming," and then a loud crash along with a yelp. When the door finally opened, there I was, lying across the bed with my pants around my ankles. Niles told me that I lunged for the door when Oliver knocked. J.R., thinking I was going to hurt myself, tried to grab me. He ended up ripping my pants at the waist, causing them to drop as I fell on the bed, still reaching for the door. Kathie was the one who thought of the safety pin. It's a good thing I was drunk, I would have never let that girl near me with an instrument that could cause even a small amount of pain.

I was being really hyper throughout the night. Every time they managed to calm me down, something set me off again. I was told I was running around the hotel, looking for someone who did not exist. They found me in the basement after an hour of looking. I wouldn't willingly go up the stair, so J.R. and Niles had to carry me up. No, it's not like I'm so heavy that one person can't lift me, it was just that I was struggling so much, one person couldn't get a grasp on me.

J.R. wanted to get me back to my bedroom, but Niles was too tired to go up another flight of stairs. Kathie's room was the closest, so they left me there. This morning, I found the bruises of where they had to grab onto me. I feel so bad. I didn't mean to be such a burden to them. I was trying to appease J.R. He's angrier with me now than he was before. Only Oliver is being friendly with me right now, and that's just because he didn't have to deal with me like Niles and J.R. did. God, I just want to go home, this trip has not done any good for me or my relationship with J.R. The only reason I'm not going home earlier is because I'm worried about J.R. Once this trip ends, he might not want to talk to me again. This could be the last of the time I have with him. I'm going to get lunch. I'll try to write more later.

Day Six

It's the last night of our trip. We spent the day driving to Seaside. J.R. did not say much on the car ride there. When he did speak, all he talked about was wanting to get home and paint. I didn't have the heart to ask where his sudden inspiration came from. I did not want to know because I already knew. He's really been this time with Kathie. Why did I agree to this trip? J.R. and I just started our relationship and now I feel it ending. It's not supposed to be like this.

I'm overreacting, I know. Honestly, things could be fine and I'm simply overlooking it. I'd like to hope that somehow, I inspired J.R. over the course of this week, just in some way I haven't seen. There were some good moments. Tonight, we aren't meeting up with Kathie, Niles, and Oliver til later, so we'll have time to talk. I'll have my fingers crossed. It could still turn out well, can't it?

Day Seven - The Drive Home

Closing thoughts? I have none. I don't know what to think. Just when things start to go right, they go wrong. J.R. and I sat on the beach talking for hours. He spoke so passionately about his hopes and his plans, he would so subtly work me into the plans, like he really wanted me around. He told me he was getting out of Warren as soon as he could and never look back. He said there was nothing left for him there, especially with all of us going on ways. He wants us to stay in touch, visit each other when we have time. He said he'd make the effort with me. I began to think he was going to say he loved me, which I know would be really soon, but he never did. I can't be mad. I don't know if I love him. It was the right moment for it, even if it wasn't the right time. He kissed me. I knew he cared.

Then things went wrong. Niles and Kathie finally managed to break Oliver's will. By the time J.R. and I returned to the hotel, he was trashed. He and Niles were trying to repair a doorknob Kathie had accidently broke. They tried to lock her in the bathroom. She kept tugging on the door until it broke. Since Niles wanted his damage deposit back, he would do anything in his ability to fix the door.

I couldn't keep my mouth shut about their destructiveness. That's when J.R. got mad at me, sticking up for them, saying they were just having a good time. He if Oliver was able to loosen up, then I should have been able to also. He walked away from me and went to Kathie's room to do shots.

The Moron twins saw I was upset and tried to cheer me up. I admit, it was sweet, but not what I needed. I needed J.R., not Oliver showing me that he learned to stand on Niles' head. Apparently, he learned this trick after Niles gave up trying to stand on his own head.

I'm in the backseat of J.R.'s car now. J.R. asked me to drive it home, because he was too hung-over and wanted to talk to Kathie about a few things. I couldn't bring myself to drive after he said that. Niles, seeing I was upset, volunteered to drive. J.R. didn't care I was upset. He pretended to act sensitive, asking what was wrong, but didn't try any harder than that. As soon as I said I was fine, which I wasn't, he got into Kathie's car without saying anything else.

Niles has not shut up the entire ride thus far. Every ten minutes, he turns around and asks what's on my mind. If you're wondering about Oliver, he's sitting in the front passenger seat with a plastic bag on his lap. I don't think he'll be drinking for a while.

I don't know what I'm doing here. This journal was supposed to be about Steve's magical trip, Now, it's the chronicling of the rise and fall of my relationship with J.R. Part of me doesn't want to end it, just keep it going. I don't want to this to end on such a down note. I better stop, Niles is looking for someone to talk to and Oliver really isn't up to it.

__________________________________________________________

Niles should have just accepted the fact Quinn did care for him. She did look out for him, even though he did not know. That didn't matter anymore. He violated her trust. He couldn't ask for her forgiveness. If he was her, he would give it, so why should she? Niles knew his time with Quinn, in any sort of relationship, was over. He took it for granted. He needed to hear it out of her mouth. Her actions were not loud enough for him. Or, it could have been, he was not listening the way he should have. Now, all Niles had was his memories. They were abundant. Enough for a lifetime. The day they met. The afternoon they kissed. The night they broke up. The times he tried to win her back. The car ride back from the shore. The prom fiasco. When she found out he not only read, but photocopied her journal of the trip. And now, the day she walked off the stage and out of his life. He thanked her for allowing him to have these memories. Good or bad, he would always have them.

Seven

"So years went by, I stayed the same. But she began to drift away. I was left alone. Still I waited for the day when she would say "I will always love you"."

- Sarah McLachlan

Looking at his watch, J.R. wondered how much longer it would be til the show was over. He needed to break free. He already graduated. His diploma was in his hand. He wondered why he was still sitting around. There was nothing left for him. He should be somewhere else, not sitting near Quinn. He wanted space from her. That's all he asked for. She agreed. It wasn't her fault they had to sit near each other. He was short for his age. They were a good match at the time. They could look at each other eye-to-eye. He never had that before. It was a nice feeling. Then she had to go and ruin it. J.R. cared for Quinn. He told her that. No matter how many times he repeated it, she would not believe it. As long as Kathie was in his life, Quinn believed he would love her. He had no way to prove her wrong aside from cutting Kathie out of his life and he was not prepared to do that. It took so long to reach common ground with her. He spent so long pining after her, then running from her, and finally, realizing where he should be with her. It was right, for the first time, it was right. He didn't want anything more. He wanted Quinn.

J.R. asked Quinn to the prom because he wanted to be with her. He didn't know that it would end up wrecking his relationship with her, along with his friendship with Kathie. Had J.R. known, he would have staid home, watched a movie with Steve, and laugh about how stupid people were for wasting time and money on something so trivial. It was a pointless event, yet is considered a "right of passage" to the rest of the world. Steve wasn't fooled by it. J.R. never questioned why Steve wasn't going. He didn't see something was wrong. He didn't have a reason to. His mind was elsewhere.

It was prom time. J.R. had to go tux shopping with Niles and Oliver. He had to reserve a hotel room at the shore. Then there was the limo rental. Then there were the flowers for Quinn. They had to be the same color of her dress. J.R. was kicking himself for zoning out when she was describing her dress. Now, he had to figure out some clever way to learn the colors of her dress. (I'm sorry. I just cannot write this properly. Describing the prom process goes against everything this book is meant to be about. The whole Prom event is a tired subject depicted in many teen books and films. Bear with me. I'm going to breeze through all the crap and try to get to the good part as soon as I can. Again, I apologize. Proms are bullshit. Down with the system.)

Just when J.R. thought nothing else could go wrong, he got sick. The day before prom, his nose was stuffed up, his eyes were red, and his voice was gone. Oh, and just so you don't get the impression there was a little nugget of hope that the things would pan out, let me just say, it had to have been the hottest day of the year. Tuxes are not that comfortable to wear in ninety degree weather. J.R. found this out while posing for pictures. Everyone met at Quinn's house. J.R. arrived first. Quinn wasn't dressed yet. He had to talk with her parents. Well, they did most of the talking. J.R. nodded a lot. It hurt too much to try to talk back. They offered him something to eat. He nodded yes. They brought pretzels. Pretzels aren't exactly the best thing to eat when your throat already feels like it's being sliced up by tiny razor blades. He managed to ask for some water to drink. They obliged.

Soon enough, people began arriving. Half of them were strangers to J.R. They went to the same school, say each other in the hallways, but were not what one would call "friends." That does not matter when it came to proms. It was all about the pictures. Large group pictures of kids playing dress-up. In twenty years, all that would be left were the pictures. J.R. invited Kathie, much to Quinn's disapproval. He wanted her there. They were friends. Kathie brought along Rob, her friend from Cherry Hill she had met a year back at a summer study course. He was a nice guy. Not really the type of person you'd see Kathie with, but a nice guy nonetheless. J.R. and Rob got along pretty well. Out of the group that went together, they were the only ones talking to each other by the end of the evening.

Niles brought some friend of his little sister. Most people did not even know Niles had a little sister. She was a sophomore, as was her very attractive friend, Niles' date. The look on his face was priceless as he went around, introducing her as "his date." He probably did not even know her name. Despite Niles' protests, Oliver took Mimi. They had hit it off during English class over the course of the year. She was not as bad as Niles made her out to be. He did not care. He still would not talk to her. And since Oliver was with her, he would not talk to him.

After what seemed like an eternity of picture taking, the limos left. Tense did not even begin to describe the mood of J.R.'s limo. Quinn wasn't talking to Kathie, and because of Kathie, her date Rob. Niles wasn't talking to Mimi, and because of Mimi, Oliver. J.R. couldn't talk. Steve was at home, watching a movie and laughing about how stupid people were for wasting time and money on something so trivial. (Good, I got through that. Let's skip ahead to halfway through the prom.)

J.R. was sitting by himself. He did not have the energy to be dancing. All Quinn wanted to do was dance. He was not going to stop her. She went off, did her thing, and would come back every so often, asking, "Are you feeling any better?" J.R. would nod his head and she'd be gone again.

"At least she's having a good time," he thought to himself.

Niles, not having much fun with his date, decided to talk to J.R.

"How are things going?" Niles asked as he sat down beside him.

J.R. shot him a menacing look.

"I know how you feel man. I think I took the wrong person. We have nothing to talk about."

J.R. understood. It's not like he and Quinn had anything to say to each other. She was across the room, having the time of her life, and he was sitting at the table, trying his best to stay conscious. The medication he was on had hit him full on during the limo ride.

"Can I tell you something and have you promise not to say anything about it to Quinn?" Niles asked J.R.

J.R. nodded again.

"I did something I shouldn't have done," Niles said. "All this time, I wondered how Quinn felt about me. I know she's my friend, but I wanted to know more. She once was a very large part of my life. I still think she is. I wanted to know if I still was."

J.R. gave Niles a look as if he was saying, "Oh God, Niles, what did you do this time?" Niles understood the look.

"I stole the journal she kept the week we all went away. I photocopied it and put it back."

Quinn had decided to come check on J.R. again. Can you guess what she heard just as she approached the table? I'll give you one hint, it's the line Niles just said. She pulled him aside and said she had to talk to him. What that really meant was that she had to take him outside and scream at him.

"Isn't there some part of you that ever says 'don't do that?'"

"I was curious," Niles said, defending himself.

"You couldn't have asked me?"

"I wanted an honest answer."

"You don't think I would have been honest if you simply asked."

"Quinn, one thing I've learned after a slew of failed relationships is that there are more than one level of honesty. You would have told me what I wanted to hear, not what you wanted to say."

"Why? Why go through all this trouble? Did you think I silently bashed you when you weren't around?"

"Yes, maybe. I don't know."

"Well, now you know I cared about you."

"Cared? In the past tense?"

"You know well enough to say I don't like my privacy violated."

"I didn't violate your privacy."

"You stole my journal."

"I think I still love you, Quinn."

"And just when I think you couldn't say anything worse," Quinn said as she walked away. She didn't want to deal with Niles. She was hurt. She had every right to be. Niles was right. There were different levels of honesty. There are some levels you aren't supposed to share with anyone. Niles knew that and exploited it.

While Quinn was dealing with Niles, a Sarah McLachlan song began to play inside. In case you were unaware, a Sarah McLachlan means everyone, regardless of what they are doing, has to go on to the dance floor and hold onto their significant other like they may never have a chance to again. Quinn was outside, writing off Niles, so J.R. was alone. Rob happened to be in the bathroom. Kathie wanted someone to dance with. The moment she say J.R. alone, she ran over to him and dragged him onto the dance floor. He had promised her a dance earlier anyway, and seeing that Quinn was nowhere in sight, she decided to have him make good on his promise. As they danced, Kathie thanked him for still being around.

"J.R.," she said, "those nine months were just as hard on me as they were on you. Not a day went by when I didn't think about you. I'm actually glad you can't speak right now. I wouldn't want you to say something to shoot me down. I know you're with Quinn and I wouldn't want to ruin that. But please know, I will always carry with me a regret of not returning the love you so generously gave to me for such a long period of time. I'm sorry," Kathie began to cry. J.R. held her tighter. She let out a little laugh. "As you might have been able to tell, I've been waiting for a chance to say those words to you, but never knew how and never knew when. I really didn't want to hear what you'd have to say back. I didn't want it to be followed by a 'fuck you, Kathie, you had your chance.' By the look in your eyes right now, I know you're better than that. Thank you."

J.R. gave Kathie a quick kiss. It was not meant to be romantic. It was his way of telling her everything he's already told her, but in a way he never could. He always would love her, in some way.

I don't think you need to be told what moment Quinn happened to walk back in. The kiss was not romantic, but no one, I mean no one, wants to see their boyfriend kissing someone else on the lips. Quinn saw it and ran back out. She couldn't deal with it, not after finding out what Niles had done to her.

The Sarah McLachlan song came to an end. Kathie met back up with Rob and they went back to dancing. J.R. knew something must be wrong, he did not see Quinn anywhere. He went to go look for her in the lobby.

J.R. found Quinn sitting by a water fountain, crying. He knew it would hurt too much to attempt to speak, so he put his arm around her as a sign of concern. Quinn pulled away. She wiped her tears and spoke.

"This was supposed to be our night."

J.R. wanted to ask why it wasn't. He listened on.

"Why did she have to come along?"

J.R. began to open his mouth. He knew he was going to have to defend himself.

"Never mind, I know why you wanted her with us."

"Why's that?" J.R. was barely able to muster out.

"It's quite clear that you still care for her."

"Because... I do."

"You asshole."

"You know what I mean," J.R. said, with a pain behind his voice. "It's not the same way I care for you."

"And that's why you kissed her?"

"Yes."

"I don't get it."

"Why are you upset with Niles?"

"Don't change the subject."

"I'm not. Why are you upset with him?"

"You know already."

"And why do you think he read your journal?"

"He's just as much of an asshole as you are."

"He could never accept how you felt about him and it drove him nuts. Here you are, still questioning how I feel about you. I've been seeing you because I wanted to. That wasn't good enough for you. Nothing was. I would never ask you to stop being someone's friend, yet you tried to get me to turn my back on Kathie every day. Do you know how horrible that is?"

Quinn was now the one not speaking. She didn't have anything to say to him. He continued, fighting to pronounce every word.

"I'm tired of it. It's over between us."

J.R. walked away from Quinn, just as she walked away from Niles a few moments ago. He knew his voice was going to be completely shot within moments and he still had a few things he needed to say to Kathie. Quinn sat alone as J.R. left, determined to finally make things right with Kathie.

He found Kathie where he left here, on the dance floor with Rob. He did his best to speak over the music.

"I need to talk to you," he said. She could not understand what he said, but knew enough to go along with him.

"Kathie, this is going to be incredibly difficult to say," J.R. told her the moment they were alone.

"It's okay. I know you can't speak much."

"That's not what I mean. I broke up with Quinn."

"What? When?" Kathie was shocked to hear it. She honestly thought they'd be together for sometime. It never crossed her mind that they'd ever break up.

"Just a minute ago."

"Are you okay?"

"I couldn't be better."

"What do you mean?"

"Kathie. We can still be together. We were always supposed. Look, you don't have to have that regret any more."

"I said it was a regret because I knew it was something I knew I could never go back to."

"Stop this."

"Stop what?"

"You're doing what you've always done. You say you care about me and when I say it back, you pull away."

"Listen to yourself. I said I care about you, not that I wanted to be with you."

"It's the same thing."

"No, J.R., it's not."

"Why can't we be together?"

"It's not our time."

"It's never been our time."

"I'm sorry, J.R.," Kathie said while walking away from J.R., just as he walked away from Quinn, after she had walked away from Niles. J.R. was left standing alone. He instantly hated Kathie. She got him once more. Just when he thought he'd never let his feelings towards her get the best of him, they did again. He really thought it finally was going to happen, they were going to be together. But no, not now, not ever. She did not love him like that. It was difficult for him to understand. To him, caring is caring, he did not know there were different degrees to love, just as there are different degrees of honesty.

J.R. sat with his diploma in hand. He was no longer running away from Kathie. She had walked away from him. She no longer wanted to deal with someone like him. She needed a studier friendship, not someone who'd get overly emotional every time she tried to express her feelings towards the friendship. She never intended to lead him on. That was not her intention. She wanted him to know she cared. He couldn't see it like that. He never would.

J.R. noticed Quinn trying to make eye contact. It made him want to leave even more. He did not want to bother trying with her. It would never be enough. Saying he cared for her wasn't enough to sate her desire to be loved. He was not right for her. In another place and another time, it could have worked. But in Jersey, in June of the year two thousand, they weren't meant to be. The desire to leave overwhelmed him. He snickered to himself as he thought of the movie, Outside Providence. He imagined how great it would have been to just walk off stage and away from everyone. Not say a thing, not make eye contract with anyone, just walk away from the entire ceremony. There was only one thing stopping him. J.R. still needed to applaud for Steve as he walked across the stage.

Eight

"I'm a spaceboy, I don't want to be found. I'm a spaceboy, so stop holding me down. And I'd love if I never returned to the ground."

- Splender

Quinn still had some hostility towards J.R. It appeared as if he completely moved on. She knew he was trying with her, he never did give up, yet part of him was gone. She did not hear Mimi giving her farewell speech. Mimi could have been standing right in front of Quinn and she still would not have heard it. Too much of her attention was drawn to J.R. She was like that once before. The attention she gave J.R. was the attention she took away from others in her life. She missed things she should not have missed. She turns her head around, looking back, trying to find Steve in the crowd of students. There he was, three rows back, not quite in the tall section. He was stuck in the middle, just as they were.

"Oh, Steve," Quinn thought to herself. "If only I could have seen it earlier."

For a large part of that year, Steve was hurting. No one saw it. Quinn felt like she failed him, failed their relationship. She wanted to consider herself better than the rest. Yet she never saw it coming.

June had finally arrived. The bad times were over in the minds of all that were now escaping the shackles of high school. Their attentions turned to more important matters. Steve had an idea. It was not much, but it was an idea nonetheless. He no longer wanted to make the dumb, little, video epics he had made in the past. He always did the same thing, used the same techniques, the same actors, the same cheap laughs. Steve knew that if he really was to pursue a career in the film industry, he'd have to prove himself, do something that had not been done before. If he couldn't do that, he would at least do something that had been done before, but do it better.

It was an idea. Nothing more than that. He thought of a character, named Andy, who grew sick of the world. Andy no longer wanted to be a part of this world that he hated. He decided to exile himself, take refuge in a cement box, where he could rot away, with no one bothering him. Steve was fond of this Andy character. The possibilities were endless. Then came the problem. Steve built up so much in his mind, of how Andy should be. There was no way anyone, not even a truly talented actor, could capture what Steve created, of how Andy should be.

Steve wrote draft after draft of what would be titled, "How's Andy." He threw out every draft he finished. The scripts never worked for him. None of the characters felt real. They were the equivalent of cardboard cutouts. He wouldn't even need to cast anyone for the roles, because the roles were not even roles, just figures for Andy to interact with. Andy was real, at least in Steve's mind. But Andy could never be as real as he should have been, when there was no one to make him real.

Steve kept himself busy. He ignored most of his friends. They didn't notice. J.R. had his own problems. Quinn and Kathie were too much for him to handle, he never noticed Steve was shutting himself off. Niles should have noticed something was wrong, he was closer to Steve than anyone else, but he didn't see it. Quinn suspected something was wrong, yet she was too wrapped up in the aforementioned quarrel involving J.R. and Kathie. Oliver wasn't around as much as he was before. He was finding his own life, his own friends. Steve had no one to see him, as he was, where he was. To them, it would not really matter if he was around or not, they would not notice.

Steve was about to give up on Andy, when he realized what he could do. He knew no one could ever capture Andy as he was, but now he knew a way around that. Don't show Andy. Andy did not have to be there in the physical sense. The movie could feature others talking about Andy, missing him, wanting him to come out of the box.

Steve figured he could film these testimonies about Andy and then place in scenes of people standing around the well, discussing Andy. Then it would get to the point where Andy was a trend. There could be save Andy t-shirts, buttons, and other such items. This compilation of stories and events would culminate with one of Andy's closest friends deciding to break him free from his self-imprisonment.

Steve could not write the testimonies about Andy. None of them did Andy any justice. Steve knew who Andy was, how Andy thought, but he did not know the way Andy lived. His relationship with Andy was limited to events after Andy had sealed himself up in the box. There was no way Steve could describe Andy's actions prior to that event. Once more, Steve was ready to give up. Once more, a solution came to him. Let the actors make up the stories. Let them tell of the Andy they knew. J.R. was the first person Steve went to with this idea. After a lengthier explanation, J.R. was sold on the idea. He wanted to tell a really funny story, but Steve said it had to have some seriousness to it. J.R. agreed to make it heartfelt and serious, if he got to play it as Andy's gay best friend. Steve couldn't help but laugh. He sat J.R. down in a chair, positioned the camera, and adjusted the lighting, as J.R. thought of what story he should tell. Steve told him that he only had one take, so he better make the best of it. One take would ensure an honest response. Repeated takes would wear down the overall message of each story. When J.R. was ready, Steve began filming.

"So you need me to take about Andy," J.R. started with. He then paused for a second. "Yeah, I know Andy pretty well, you know. We're like best friends. We do everything together. Kinda like Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer... That's not really a good analogy to use these days." J.R. breaks again to smile. "Most people don't get the relationship Tom and Huck had. I guess you could say we were a more intelligent Beavis and Butthead. I mean... Me and Andy, we would do dumb shit together. We would always try to top each other, make each other laugh... See who could do the dumbest thing." J.R. smiles. "Let me tell you, Andy could do some pretty dumb stuff, I mean, even when he wasn't intending to. There was this one time, Andy was just so pissed off at this girl. I don't want to say her name, because she might see this. But, Um, yeah, Andy was just so pissed at her, alright. But he's not going to tell her, he's not going to tell a person when he's pissed off at them. He prefers to not talk to them. Some people go without talking with a person for a week, two weeks, Andy goes a year. A whole year, without saying a thing. And then, one day, Leslie, I mean, um, this girl, she comes up to me and is like, 'How's Andy?' And I'm like, 'Andy's fine.' She didn't get it. Why should she get it? Andy didn't want to talk to her, so he did just that, he didn't talk to her."

J.R. paused for a moment. He then looked up at Steve and said, "I"m done." Steve smiled. J.R. exceeded his expectations. J.R. stood up and asked, "Was it cool that I worked in the title?"

"You did a great job," Steve responded. All Steve thought about was how perfectly J.R. understood Andy, without ever having met him.

As Steve was packing up his camera, J.R. noticed a few blood stains in the left sleeve of Steve's arm.

"Dude, you're bleeding," J.R. pointed out.

"Oh no, this is just fake blood I was making for a later scene in this movie."

"I didn't think you weren't going to have anything like that in this one."

"Well, I am."

J.R. walks towards Steve, saying, "Let me see your arm." Steve backs up as J.R. grabs his arm.

"Fuck off," Steve shouts at J.R., obviously offended by his advance.

"What's the matter?" J.R. asked. He didn't get why Steve was just flipping out. He began to see something he had not ever seen in Steve before, fear. Steve was scared. Of what? J.R. didn't know. He wanted to know now though.

J.R. excused himself from Steve's house, sensing he was no longer welcome. Steve sat done and watched the footage he had just recorded. He laughed every time J.R. said, "Andy goes a year." It was funny to him. J.R. was simply talking about Kathie, but Steve did not care, it was good footage anyway.

Later that night, Steve was laying on top of his bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking of what to do next with the script. He wondered if everyone else would be able to give as good of a testimony as J.R. had. He hoped so. He wanted this film to be perfect. It was too personal for him to screw up.

Niles was the next one to film. He wouldn't tell Steve what he was going to say, but promised to would be brilliant. Steve was a little worried at first, given Niles's previous brilliant ideas. Steve let the camera start filming, but abruptly stopped it as Niles continued on with a story about the time a beetle latched itself to Andy's balls at some party. Niles defended his story, saying it would get laughs. Steve didn't want laughs. Niles refused to change his story, so Steve was forced to ask him to leave.

The argument with Niles gave Steve a bad headache. He had been getting headaches more and more often. Luckily, he has a surefire way to alleviate the pain. Steve walked into his bathroom, heading towards the medicine cabinet. He opened it, his hand first went for the Tylenol, but then he stopped, and went for the real headache remover. He picked up a spare razor blade that was next to the shaving cream. Steve then closed the medicine cabinet and sat down on the toilet. He rolled up his left sleeve and then proceed to make a small thin cut into his arm. He winced as the razor first pierced his skin. It hurt, very badly it hurt. He continued to make more tiny cuts into his arm. They weren't very big. He learned not to make large cuts, they were too easily noticed. Each cut caused his arm to hurt more and more. The pain became so great, he'd forget about his headache. Steve would watch his arm bleed for a few moments, and then bandage it up. His headache was gone, but his arm was extremely sore. He opened the medicine cabinet back up and but the razor blade away. He took some Tylenol for his sore arm and went to bed.

The testimonies weren't going all that well. Kathie agreed to do one, but kept putting it off. Every single day Steve asked her, she said she would, but didn't know when she could. Eventually, Steve just stopped asking. He realized Kathie wanted no part in it. Steve decided to go ahead and start filming the scenes dealing with the cement box. He would worry about the testimonies later. Niles was willing to come back, and this time, promised to be a bit more serious. Oliver also tagged along, figuring Steve could always use an extra man.

Steve picked out an abandoned field near his house to use for the primary location. Since the box had to be four feet by four feet, he built it on location. It was quite a sight. In the middle of this very barren field was a large Styrofoam box, painted gray to look like it was made of cement, surrounded by police tape. Dead flowers and little messages were scattered across the ground. The mood proved just right on one of those calm June evenings. Steve knew he had to act quickly, not wanting to lose the valuable natural light. He told Oliver to sit in front of the box, talk to it, then draw a picture of a window on it. Oliver went along with it, not trying to add anything he felt was needed for entertainment value. Steve got the shot before the sun went down.

Once the sun was down, Steve was ready to shoot what would be the last scene of the movie. Niles, fearing Andy would die in the box, would break it open with a sledgehammer. The sledgehammer was the primary motivation for Niles's return to the movie. Before they could film the scene, Steve needed to explain the ending. He wanted Niles to be completely astounded by the revelation that Andy wasn't in the box. In Steve's mind, it made sense. Niles didn't quite get it. If Andy had sealed himself in a box, then he should still be there when Niles frees him.

"The whole point is that he was never there."

"Then where was he?"

"He wasn't anywhere."

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"Andy isn't real."

"Of course he isn't real, he's a character in a movie."

"He's not a character, he's a theme."

Niles was getting extremely frustrated. He gave up on trying to understand. Finally, he said, "Fine, let's do the fucking scene."

Steve set everything up and gave Niles the hammer. When Steve shouted, "Action!," Niles swung at the box. It cracked open. Niles hit it two more times. He then peered inside. Like Steve said, there was no Andy. The box was empty. Well, it was not entirely empty. There was a letter, at least it would be a letter when Steve would get around to writing it. For now, it was just a blank piece of paper. Steve instructed Niles to read the letter. Niles didn't know how much more he could take. Breaking free a person who wasn't there, reading a letter that's really a blank piece of paper, it was all bullshit. Once again, Niles simply did what he was told.

Niles and Steve wrapped up all the shots by nine. Steve figured he still had time to run over to Quinn's to get her testimony. He was so glad she was not talking to J.R. There was a time when they were always together. He really didn't feel like running into J.R. at Quinn's.

He arrived at Quinn's house a little while later. She was quiet, Steve didn't know why. He asked her if she still felt up to doing the testimony, she told him she was.

"It's kinda hard to talk about Andy. I'm not sure what I should be saying. I mean, I can make this uplifting or I can make this honest. Andy wasn't always a ray of sunshine."

Steve smirked as Quinn said that. She was doing great. Her testimony was going to be as good as J.R.'s.

"He distanced himself from people a lot. We didn't notice it. We should have. I should have seen it. If I knew about it then, I probably could have done something to prevent what's going on now. There were a lot of things, others and I never noticed. Andy would hurt himself. He never ceased to have an excuse as to you why his arm was all cut up."

"Okay, what are you doing?" Steve asked as he shut off the camera.

"I'm giving my testimony," Quinn said, very defensively.

"Where did you come up with what you were talking about?"

"I told," J.R. said, walking in from the other room. "I told her what do say."

"Why would you tell her to say something like that?,"questioned Steve.

"Well, this video is your suicide note, isn't it? Or is more your 'cry for help'?" J.R. said back to him.

They were all quiet for a moment. Quinn broke the silence when she calmly asked, "Steve, can I see your arm?"

"You two don't know what you're talking about."

"Then why don't you tell us? Fill us in on what's going."

"Steve, please, just let me see your arm."

Steve felt like he was backed into a corner. They were teaming up against him. He couldn't do anything but get angry. "You want to see my arm, here's my arm," he shouted as he pulled up his left sleeve. There was no bandage on it. J.R. and Quinn saw what he had been hiding for so long. Tiny, little incisions running up and down his arm.

"Are you even going to try to explain it? Are you going to say that you walked through a thorn bush?," J.R. asked.

"I don't have a story to tell you."

Quinn wanted to know why he would do such a thing. She couldn't understand how and why a person would do what he was doing. He explained it the best he could, "It took the pain away." J.R. shot back with some comment about that being stupid. Quinn then asked him to leave. She needed to speak with Steve alone. Steve and Quinn were able to speak very calmly with each other.

"How long has this been going on?"

"You really don't want to know."

"Why not?"

"Because if you had wanted to know, you would have seen it so long ago. You're only seeing now because J.R. told you about it. You don't care about me, or how I am."

"That's not true."

"Of course it's true. No one gives a shit about me."

"Is that why you're doing this, to get back at us, because we didn't have time for you?"

"You are so full of yourself! This isn't about you, this isn't about J.R., this isn't about Kathie, none of you."

"What's it about then?"

"You really don't get it, do you?"

"Obviously, I don't."

"It's about me. I'm unhappy. I hurt. I never stop hurting."

"And cutting yourself helps the pain?"

"Yes," Steve whispered, now beginning to cry.

"Steve, you need help."

"I don't need your help."

"How does your movie end?"

"What?" Steve was thrown off guard by that.

"How does it end? Does Andy get out of the box?"

"Andy was never in the box."

"Where was he?"

"He wasn't anywhere. Andy was never real. He was created by the people who remember him. That's why it was so important that each person make up their own story. Everyone has an Andy, someone to aid them through a troubled time. That much was apparent from J.R.'s testimony. It was about how he acted towards Kathie, during that time when they weren't talking. He was able to put it all in perspective when he described the actions as if they were of another person."

"You think that helped him at all?"

"He came to your house."

"Because of you."

"Because he tried with you. Andy made him realize where he wanted to be. He wanted to be near you. His testimony was his goodbye to Kathie. That's how he used Andy. Everyone used Andy."

"If he's created by others, wouldn't he be there when they try to break him free."

"No."

"Why?"

"His job was done. He did all he had to do."

"This was going to be your suicide note, wasn't it?"

"I can't say I haven't thought about it."

"Are you still thinking about?"

"How could I ever leave How's Andy as a suicide note?" Steve said while letting out a light laugh. It seems like I have to explain the entire thing to everyone."

"Now that you've said all that, can you honestly say that you don't need my help now?"

"No," Steve said with a certainty in his voice.

"How's Andy" was never finished. It could never be finished. There would never be a time when Andy was not needed somewhere, but someone. Steve was right about one thing, Andy did not really exist. Everyone has an Andy, but they're not always called Andy. In Steve's case, he had a Quinn and he had a J.R., and he would never pass those two up for anything else, anyone else. Quinn smiled with a bit of reassurance, it wasn't too late for Steve and she was focused enough to help this time around. Mimi may have finished her speech, Quinn didn't hear it.

Nine

"In darkness, there is no sin. Light only brings in fear. There's nothing to corrupt the eyes. There is no vision here."

- Goo Goo Dolls

They threw their hats in the air and it was done. It was quite a site. A few hundred yellow and brown hats flying through the air. Yes, yellow and brown. Their school got screwed over the day colors were being assigned. No one cared. They had stopped complaining after their first week of freshman year. In time, they found other things to deal with. There was too much else to deal with. Being a teen was not an easy task at the end of the twentieth century. They did not see each other as high school graduates. No, a more fitting title was "high school survivor." It was over. That was it. It had not sunk in. J.R. was still J.R. Quinn was Quinn. Kathie hadn't changed. Steve was doing what he always did. Oliver could care less. Then there was Niles, calm on the outside, screaming on the inside. He was flailing his arms, trying to shout, "Wait a minute," to anyone that would listen. He was not heard because he never spoke. The hugs and the tears of people around him left him mute. Words collided in his mind. "Never again." He could not even say, "that's all for now." "For now," implied it happening once more. It wouldn't.

Niles was tired. He didn't want to say goodbye to his friends. They were all he had. He had said goodbye to too many people in this lifetime already. Now, everyone else in the crowd was doing their best to celebrate. He couldn't figure it out. Why end it here, like this? Things weren't fixed. Nothing was resolved. The state of things was not going to change if everyone was going their own ways. Niles wanted to take it upon himself to salvage these relationships. He didn't. He knew no one would listen to him. They would not want to. There's nothing he could say to Quinn. There's nothing he could say to J.R. to talk to Quinn. There's nothing he could do about Kathie and J.R. either. He still wasn't even certain what was going on with Steve, so trying something would be pointless.

Niles chose not to speak out at all. He did not congratulate his friends. He left for home. His parents were out. He couldn't imagine where they would be. He was upset they did not go to graduation with him. It was his own fault. Had Niles not broken into the school, he would have been able to wear one of those ugly brown caps and gowns. He packed up a backpack with some clothes. He then wrote a letter and placed it in his pocket. He'd need it a little later. Niles shut off the lights when he left his house. His folks hated coming home to the lights not on.

He walked to Steve's house and dropped off the letter. Someone should know where he was heading. After leaving Steve's, Niles walked to the nearest train station. Within an hour, the train arrived. He boarded it and purchased a ticket

The train was mostly empty. It was an odd hour to be taking a train. To Niles, there could not have been a better time. Niles sat near the back, placing his backpack on the seat adjacent to him. To him, there was no greater place in the world than Warren, NJ. That could be because he never left. It was his home. It was all he knew. He was prepared to know more, see more, experience more. He'd have to return eventually, he had college in the fall. Niles figured by that time, anything that could be resolved, would be resolved.

He thought of keeping a journal of his trip. He hoped Quinn might want to read it when he got back. If Steve was up for it, they could make a movie out of it. Oliver and Kathie could star. J.R. would design the poster. It would be really nice, highly unlikely, but a pleasant thought nonetheless.

The train left Warren.

Ten

"I got a letter today, an invitation, and the writing looked like you. Hello, how are you and by the way, please RSVP, I do."

- Jude

Quinn had to go right home and pack for her trip to Australia. By

the time she returned home later that summer, J.R. had already departed for college. They never tried to talk to each other again. She thought of sending him a postcard or two while in Australia, but never did. What was she supposed to say, "I'm having a great time. It sucks things did work out. I hope you're having a great summer too. Sincerely, Quinn"?

No, she moved on with her life, just as she was supposed to do. Niles got in touch with her later down the road. They did their best to maintain contact. They lead two completely different lives and their paths never got to cross. It was a genuine, but ultimately futile effort. Niles still would never forget to send her a card for her birthday every year. She never has the heart to tell him he has the right day, but the wrong month.

Eleven

"The world is scratching at my door, my morning papers got the scores, the human interest stories, and the obituary. Cradle for a cat, Wolfe looks back, how many angels can you fit upon a match? I want to know why Hemingway cracked, sometimes truth is stranger than fiction."

- Bad Religion

The story of J.R. and Kathie still had a few more chapters. Those

chapters won't be accounted for here. No, instead, this tale closes out at the start of August. There are only two characters left, J.R. and Steve. They were sitting together, just like they had that March. They've been through a lot since that rainy March morning. J.R. was painting often. He had back what he was missing for so long. He was alone, just like before, but it did not matter. Steve was doing better. He had been going to therapy since J.R. and Quinn's "intervention." He felt refueled, ready to talk on anything that would be coming his way.

"Have you heard from Niles at all?" J.R. asked Steve, knowing Niles would not be contacting anyone else.

"No. Not since his first letter."

"You ever going to tell me what that letter said?"

"Well, there was a lot of rambling. Mentioned something about looking for the Ark of the Covenant," Steve said, trying not to break out with laughter.

"I wouldn't expect any less from him."

"Neither would I," J.R. responded. He then paused. He had something to say, but wasn't sure how to say it.

"What do you want to know?" questioned Steve, knowing J.R. was holding something from him. J.R. was not all that great of concealing the fact he was something on his mind.

"How's the group session going?" J.R. asked hesitantly.

"Oh, it's going great. That reminds me, I met this girl who'd be perfect for you."

"Is this girl in your group sessions?"

"No, her friend is. The girl I want you to meet picks her up occasionally."

"And she's perfect for me you say?"

"You wouldn't believe. She'd be great for you. She's a writer, but she also paints."

"She paints? Really?" J.R. was impressed. He never had someone to talk shop with. The prospect was appealing. "Wait, you said Quinn was good for me."

"She was. She was better than Kathie was."

"How so?"

"She gave better head." Steve gave up trying not to laugh. He was in a humorous mood and did not bother trying to hide it. "Oh, wait, you never hooked up with Kathie. That's right."

"Real nice, buddy," J.R. said, patting Steve on the back.

"I gave Rachel your phone number."

"Who's Rachel?"

"The girl that's perfect for you."

"Are you fucking kidding me? Dude, I'm leaving in three weeks, I don't think another relationship is what I need right now."

"Just wait til you see her."

"What's she look like?"

"It's kinda hard to describe."

"Now you're worrying me."

"Oh, no, she's cute. Trust me, she's cute."

"Then why aren't you pursuing her."

"Because just once, I'd like to have you hook up with a person before I do."

"Fuck you."

"I'm kidding. She's not my type. She's yours."

"And she's cute?"

"Unbelievably. Great sense of style too."

"How would describe it?"

Steve thought about it. He really didn't know what to say at first. It eventually struck him. "I guess the best way to describe her is 'porno-librarian'."

"And that's a good thing?"

"You have no idea."

Rachel called J.R. later that week. She sounded harmless enough on the phone. J.R. decided to meet her. Ever being a social retard when it comes to trying to impress a person, the best J.R. could think of for the first date was a movie, followed by a late dinner at the diner. Rachel didn't mind. Apparently, that was her idea of an ideal date. Steve was right, she was perfect for J.R.

The term "rushing into things" never crossed J.R.'s mind. He was having too much of a good time. Rachel made life fun. Not that life was not fun before he ever met her, but she added something J.R. was missing for most of his life. Most of the girls in his life beat him into submission. Rachel did too, but she challenged him first. She would not refrain from being completely honest with him. She had no problem telling that she did not like a bulk of his work. J.R. knew not all his paintings were great, but no one else ever said it. She did.

J.R. fell in love easily and he fell in love often. It would be out of character for him not to. He was a hopeless romantic. He was always looking for that one true love. J.R. would never give up until he found her. He was sure he found that in Rachel. J.R. fell in love with her because J.R. falls in love, that's who was and who he'll always be.

The End.