After reading all this about me and about how strongly I feel about how that (even if I'm not bi) love is true and how I support anyone in search for it, no matter of their sexuality, you are probably wondering why I think I am bi. Some of you wonder how I could know if I've never "been" with a girl yet. Been not meaning slept with, but meaning just to have gone out with or kissed one. With guys, (well actually only one guy) I've been to second base with, which really didn't disturb me, but I didn't really enjoy it either. I've never enjoyed kissing a guy (maybe I just haven't found the right one yet, I've only "got-with" two of them)... but one day I do see myself with a guy for good, it will just take a while to find the right one. But the truth is along the way in my searching if I find a girl and fall in love w/ her then I would stay w/ her forever too.
When did I start having this feeling of being bisexual? Unlike most people, who've thought about it most or all of their lives, I have tried not to think about sexuality in general till I was about 13. Of course I thought about sex, but only in the innocent ways I could and though I had attractions to certain guys, the ones that I went out with never gave me that "feeling" and I felt awful about it. I didn't want to kiss them because I knew it wouldn't be enjoyable for me and since I was just a prudey, most of the guys broke up w/me after a month or so. The first time I had a french kiss w/ a guy was at the age of 14 (i was almost 15 then) and I didn't enjoy it at all. No, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but the guy seemed to be really enjoying it/wanting more, and I couldn't wait for it to be over. Since then I've only kissed one other guy and it wasn't as long as the previous one. Well the whole feeling about being bi came in last year, with the crush on one of my teachers. It's hard to imagine how awful I felt for having a crush on someone that much older than me: ten years to be exact. I hated that feeling and for quite some time I tried to ignore how her beautiful blue eyes somewhat turned me on but then I just couldn't ingore it anymore. The truth was that this was the first person I really wanted to kiss. All I could do was stare at her face with awe. Ok, so maybe I was/still am obssessed, but she is the most wonderful, perfect, person on this earth and I can't imagine anyone not falling for her. For about 7 months after that I was going crazy about my feelings. Crying, hating myself, writing poetry about the whole thing, just litterally feeling miserable about it. It wasn't the first time I had fallen for someone unreachable, but it was the first time it was a female... and a female 10 years older than me didn't help much. During that time I surfed the net for advice places and really didn't find much help. One day I was just about to crack when I found this lady's site in one of my searches and decided to e-mail her w/ my problems. That night I went to sleep in a puddle of my tears. The next morning I went online and lo and behold a long, well thought out reply was waiting for me. For the next months I conversed with her, asked her questions when I needed help, and she basically brought me to the point now in which I have linked my two pages together... even though the links on both pages are somewhat hidden. Just recently I have been getting some crushes on other girls my age, though never any close friends, and never as much as I like that teacher. I find myself like women who are independent and know what they want. Gillian Anderson is one of the most beautiful actresses on TV today. But unfortunatly she's 10000 times more unreachable than the teacher since she doesn't know me... and she's married. hehe. Oh well, I can deal looking at the page I put together in appreciation of her beauty right now. K, so ne ways... I was afraid that my friends would freak if I told them I was bi... I just thought they had the notion that bisexuals were sluts and that they would have sex with any girl or guy they met... or atleast crush on them, (which is completly NOT true)... so a few months after I talked to the lady from the site I really wanted to tell somebody, but I was afraid. One day my close friend, we'll call her Amber, was telling me online about how she had just jerked off a guy w/ another girl (the 2 girls didn't touch each other, but they were topless) and I was like, well if she can just be so open about this, why can't i be open about my feelings? So for the next hour I hinted that I wanted to tell her something, and in the end I made her guess at it. When she found out she said she'd be my friend no matter what, and that she actually had been thinking on the lines of the same thing (now she admits openly that she is bi, BUT THERE IS NOTHING GONNA EVER GO ON BETWEEN US... we definitly don't like each other in THAT way) Well ne ways I litterally broke down into tears of happiness and it was so amazing cause I had been holding all of this inside for so long in fear and she was so cool with it. During the next 6 months I came out to about 9 of my friends, and more are finding out all the time (specially since I put the link on my other page... hidden of course) so right now I've decided I'm not going to bring it up, but if someone happens to find out so be it. I have nothing to be ashamed about. Nothing at all. These are my feelings, this is my heart, and I'm not going to let anyone tell me that I'm not really feeling these things: I know I am. I think bisexuality is more free than anything. It's free to find love in anyone. It's free to call another woman beautiful and mean it. It's free to live life to it's fullest. It's free to be yourself, inside and out.
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