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August, 2001

Viki sighs, looking at the sad young woman in front of her. Try as she might, she just couldn't come up with the right words to comfort Téa.
Téa stands still, staring straight ahead. "You know...every day I wake up, and I think today is gonna be the day....today I'm gonna hear from him...I'm gonna find out where he is...but it never is Viki....and I just keep waiting."
Téa is silent for a moment. She steps back and hops up to sit on the counter, leaning her head back against the cabinet.
"People tell me...just move on...it's been almost three years...you're better off without him...let him go. But....I don't want to move on...is that bad?" she looks questioningly at Viki, who's sympathetic look spurs Téa on. "I mean...I'm not unhappy. I have a beautiful son...a great job...a beautiful home. I miss him....that's the only bad part...that I don't know where he is. People think that just cause I don't have a man in my life...I'm miserable. But I'm not. I can't move on...not when I don't know what's happening with Todd. And...if I ever do find him....I really wanna try to work things out. I mean....look Todd and I were not always the happiest couple....but...no matter what went on between us...it was REAL. You know? Even back when it was just a business deal...I somehow knew I belonged with him...that we were supposed to be together. They say there is one person for everyone...well he's mine...and I think I'm his too. That feeling...connection...it's so deep....so special...so intense....it feels better than anything I've ever felt...and also it sometimes it hurts worse than any pain I've ever suffered. But it's REAL. And I'd rather be alone than settle for something less with someone else," she finishes quietly.
Viki walks over to her, placing a hand on hers. "I think you know exactly what you want, and what other people say shouldn't matter."
Téa nods. "I know...one of Todd's best lessons to me....to Hell with what other people think," she says, grinning wryly. Her head is bowed down, and her eyes catch her wedding ring. She hadn't worn it for a while after Todd left, after he had sent it back to her. But as she got closer to the truth about Todd...and when she found out about Jason...she had put it back on...it somehow made her feel connected to him..even though she had no idea where he was.
"Carlotta asked about the divorce again."
Viki nods. "And?"
"And, she got the same answer she's gotten for the past three years...I'm not getting one," Téa says, looking at Viki. "I know she means well, and is just trying to look out for me....but I can't do it...I just can't. Not with his son lying upstairs...not with so many things up in the air."
Viki notices Téa's eyes misting up with tears. She gently squeezes her hand.
"Téa, wherever he is...he loves you very much."
Tears spill over onto Téa's cheeks. "Viki....I'm so scared. What if he's not okay...what if he's all alone somewhere...and he doesn't know who he is," her voice breaks as she voices her last, greatest fear, "what if we never find him?"
Viki reaches out and hugs Téa. "You have to believe we will....believe he'll come home..to all of us."

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Viki had left a little while before, and now Téa is sitting up in the room Starr is sleeping in...watching her. She couldn't love her anymore if she were her own child. She knows how much Starr misses Todd...and how confused she is by everything. Téa reaches out and touches the little girl's hair, smiling at the sight of Starr clutching Fred. It had been Starr that finally had led Téa to really believe in Todd's illness. About a month after he had left, Téa had forced herself to sit down and listen to the tape. Something in her gut had told her that things with Todd weren't exactly as they had appeared on their wedding night. It was Todd's disregard for Starr on that tape that had nailed it for her. No matter how much trouble he was in...Téa knew Todd well enough to know that Starr always came first. The voice on that tape couldn't have been Todd....some might have been....but at some point he "switched"...and someone else took over. Since he had been gone, she had done a lot of research on DID, talking to Viki and Tim Lange...and she was more convinced than ever that her husband was indeed ill.

Finally, Téa sighs, and stands up. She leans over and gently kisses Starr's cheek. She walks out and heads towards Jason's room. Walking in, seeing him curled up on his little bed, she feels her heart break. She couldn't believe he was two years old today. She remembered his birth as a very bittersweet experience. She was happy, to finally have a child of her own....a child conceived out of the love she shared with Todd. But as the doctor had placed Jay in her arms....she had felt a wave of intense sadness wash over her. Throughout her pregnancy, she had promised herself that she would find Todd before she gave birth..so he could be there...but she hadn't been able to. She had felt so lonely, wishing with all her heart he could be there with her, holding their baby.

Téa swallows the lump in her throat, kneeling down next to Jay's bed. She lightly strokes his hair.

...the candles had burned bright in the cabana...just the feeling of his lips on her neck had sent her into a wave of ecstasy...he had been so careful...his hands slowly removing her dress....the incredible jolt of electricity when he had touched her bare skin, feeling his body pressed against hers...his warm, soft lips covering her with passionate kisses...the incredible rush when he had finally slid inside her....

Téa reaches up and wipes a tear away from her cheek. That night, that had been so beautiful...had ended in such disaster....the tape had played...they had fought all night long. The morning came...seeing them bitterly part...going off in their separate ways. She had gotten a letter from him at her suite....along with a check...which she promptly tore up. And she hadn't seen him again...only hearing from him twice..once returning the wedding ring she had thrown at him in anger...once at Christmas. Ironically, the day after she had received his Christmas gift, was the day she had found out about Jay....and the day she had become convinced that she had to find him...not only to tell him about the baby...but to make sure he was okay.

It had been a painful three years....her saving grace having been Jay, and because of her uneasy truce with Blair, seeing Starr. She gets up slowly, and walks over to the window. Leaning against it, she stares out into the midnight black sky.

"Todd....where are you?" she whispers sadly.