The streets of New York were uncharateristically quiet. Todd watches as they pass several apartment buildings, light bursting out of the windows. Families gathered together, celebrating the Thanksgiving holiday. He glances at Téa, who is staring at the road ahead, both hands gripping the steering wheel tightly.
It had been a quiet drive, with only the radio turned on low for noise. They hadn't talked much, Téa too involved in her sadness and Todd wrapped up in his own fear, anger, hurt, and worry over her. He had glanced at her every now and then, and he noticed a deep sadness about her. A sadness he didn't ever remember seeing. And her quiet, that unnerved him to no end. Téa was always full of life, her eyes always shining with some emotion or another. He just couldn't shake his gut feeling that something was really wrong.
The car slowed down, and wordlessly Téa threw it into park and turned it off. With a heavy sigh, she opens the door and gets out, her eyes filling with tears at the site in front of her. Todd follows her lead, getting out of the car, and he follows her gaze.
"Téa, I thought we were going to visit your grandmother," he says, confused as he looks at the wrought iron gates in front of them. Téa doesn't respond as she begins walking slowly towards the entrance. Todd's brow furrows as he watches her, but even though he's unsure exactly what is going on, he follows her anyway. As he sees her kneel down ahead of him, his heart twists. He continues walking towards her, the reason they were here becoming painfully evident. He stops a step or two behind her, watching her. Her head bowed, the darkness surrounding her like a morbid blanket. His eyes move to the headstone, and despite himself, swallows the hard lump that has formed in his throat.
"I'm sorry Téa," he whispers.
Her body begins to shake with sobs as she slowly runs her hand over her grandmother's name. Hearing her, Todd can't decide whether to comfort her or bolt. He begins to feel that pressing need to get away...from the 'feelings'...hers and his. He steps back, unsure of what to do.
Téa turns her head toward him, tears streaming down her face. "You can wait for me by the car if you need to," she says quietly. She suddenly felt a pang of guilt for bringing him here. Death was not an easy subject period, but for Todd it was even harder, what with Viki's recent illness. But she had needed him, needed his strength to make this trip.
Todd realizes she's giving him the out. He could get away from her tears, from her pain. But somehow, he found himself unable to move away from her. Running his hand through his hair nervously, he steps forward and sits down on the cold ground next to her. His eyes scan the headstone again, falling on the date she died. He looks at Téa.
"Was she sick? Is that...is that why you left?"
"No," she says quietly, "well she was sick, only I didn't know that until I had already come back here."
Todd nods. "What was wrong with her?"
Téa wipes away some of her tears. "She had pneumonia."
They fall silent, Todd watching her as she stares at her grandmother's grave. Her pain had caused his anger, his resentment towards her to dissipate, for the moment anyway. An ironic thought struck him...was that how it was for her? She always seemed to look past her own anger at him when he needed her most...was that what was happening to him?
"Thanksgiving was her favorite holiday," Téa says quietly.
"Yeah, I remember you telling me about all the grub she made."
Téa cracks a small smile. "She was the best cook. The best. And she always made everyone feel welcome in her home, no matter what. She had this like...gift. Of seeing the person inside, regardless of what the rest of the world said or thought."
"I think you inherited that gift," he replies. Téa glances at him, puzzled. "Come on, only people with that sort of gift can see the good in an ex-con like me. Even when it isn't there."
She turns and faces him fully. "It IS there, if you would just allow yourself to see it."
Todd squirms, uncomfortable with the direction the conversation is taking. He shifts his eyes downward. "Was she sick long?"
Téa sighs, recognizing the avoidance tactic. "No, not really. You know, she's the one who convinced me to come back to Llanview."
"How'd she do that?"
"A few weeks before she got really sick, we got the invitation to Jess and Cris's wedding. I, of course, was not sure about going," she pauses, glancing at him, "I don't know, it was just easier to imagine you hating me than to actually face it. But she said we were going, with that determination of hers. When she got sicker, I think she knew...she knew she wasn't going to make it," Téa's voice cracks with emotion, "but she told me I should still go. I shouldn't be afraid. I should follow my heart, and she knew that my heart...was with you," she pauses, looking down as fresh tears come. "I miss her so much. I feel so...alone now. I have no idea where to find any of my brothers on any given day, my parents are gone, Rosie, for all her weirdness, was still family, and she's gone. I have Carlotta...but it's just not the same. I always fooled myself into thinking I didn't want a family, that it wasn't important...until you. With you and Starr, and your family...I wanted that...to be a part of that. You don't know how lucky you are Todd. You really don't," she gently presses her fingers to her lips, then carefully glides them over the engraved name of her grandmother. She stands up, brushing herself off. "But I blew it, I know that now. Guess we are more alike than we think, I shoot myself in the foot just as much as you do," she finishes bitterly, and turns and walks towards the car, leaving Todd staring behind her.
*****
Three hours later
It had taken some doing, but Todd had finally convinced Téa to let him drive home. He could see she was clearly drained and exhausted, and being the perennial insomniac, he was perfectly okay to drive. Going home had taken a little longer due to some late holiday traffic, but strangely enough Todd hadn't minded. He frequently glanced over at Téa, sleeping soundly with her head against her balled up coat. Every once in a while, a streetlight would illuminate the tearstains on her face, tugging at his heart all over again. It was tough, this staying distant from her, especially in the face of her pain. But he had to, had to force himself to lock down his heart and keep her out. Because if he let her back in and it didn't work again, he was sure he wouldn't survive.
He stops the car in front of Viki's and turns off the ignition. Téa stirs slightly, but doesn't awaken. He turns towards her, taking the opportunity to watch her secretly. He had done this so often during their time away from Llanview. She would always fall asleep before him, and he would lay next to her, quietly, just watching her sleep, smiling slightly at the little noises or faces she would make when she was in the midst of a dream. And sure enough, being near her peaceful form would eventually help him drift off. His eyes tear up at the memory, as he reaches slowly across the seat, bringing his hand within a breath of her face, trying to fight the urge to feel her soft skin beneath his fingertips again.
He notices Téa beginning to awaken and quickly snatches his hand back. She opens her eyes, a little disoriented as she looks around.
"Are we back?" she asks groggily.
"Uh, yeah, we're at Viki's."
"Oh, right, you're car," she mumbles. She rubs her eyes, and reaches down to open the passenger side door. Todd gets out as well, walking to the front of the car.
"So..are you sure you're okay to get home?"
"Oh yeah, I'll be okay," she replies, stretching her arms up to work out the kinks from being curled up in the car.
"Alright," he says quietly, unsure of what else to say. After a moment, he hands her her keys and turns and heads towards his car. Téa watches him, wishing like anything he was coming home with her, but knowing, as she told him back at the cemetary, that she had blown it.
"Todd?" she calls. He turns towards her. "Thank you, for coming with me. I really didn't want to go through that alone."
Todd shrugs. "Yeah, whatever. And, for what it's worth, I'm sorry Delgado."
She smiles slightly. "Thanks." She tightens her grasp around the keys, still warm from Todd's hands. She gets in the car, and notices Todd watching her from his own car. She shakes her head slightly, noting his attempt at making sure she was safe.
Don't you dare try to tell there is no good in you Todd Manning.
To Be Continued...
